Merritt McGraw, born as the Great Depression begins, loves being a girl, but his loving mother fears for his future in the world before "crossdressing" or "transgender" was even in anyone's vocabulary. The story of a sweet boy in a difficult world.

(The story thus far: Merritt Lane McGraw was born in 1929 to a single mother, Evelyn McGraw, who finds refuge as a live-in maid and nanny for a wealthy widow and her two daughters. Soon she finds herself trapped by the lesbian affections of her employer and she sees her son being treated as a girl by the widow and her family. The boy seems to grow more and more girlish and Evelyn worries about his future, though she truly finds him so dainty and pretty. Can she escape and make her son more boyish and better equipped to meet the challenges in an era when boys had to be boys?)

Chapter 7: The Break

Her break came one afternoon as she helped Mary in a kitchen while Viola entertained her bridge club friends. They were preparing to serve tea and cakes to the eight women when Mary stopped cutting the cake and looked at Evelyn: “I know you like that boy in the library, Evelyn.”

Evelyn who had been steeping the tea, reddened. “We went to school together,” she said simply.

“He's a nice young man, my Michael tells me,” Mary continued.

“I think so, Mary, but what can I do. Viola keeps me tied up here, and I can't get to see him.”

Mary developed a twinkle in her eye. “Listen girl, I think we can help. Michael has had coffee with your Bob Casey a couple of times when he's in town and he misses you, dear.”

Evelyn beamed. “He does?”

“Oh foolish one, of course he does. Who could not like you?”

“I'm a nobody, and Bob is so smart. He works in the library.”

“You're a smart girl, Evelyn. Don't sell yourself short, but anyway Michael and I have an idea.”

“Oh?”

“Do you want to leave here?” Mary began. “For good?”

“I suppose, but where would I go? I have no money.”

“Maybe back home to your mother and father?” Mary suggested, knowing the estrangement that had occurred due to her father's dislike of his only grandchild's girlish nature.

“Oh, I don't know, Mary.”

“Your mother would welcome you back in a minute, I'll bet.”

“Yes, she would, but dad would be hell on wheels about Merritt. The boy'd be miserable.”

“Honey, you've already begun to prepare him for school, to become more like a boy, and he's doing fine. Michael has been playing catch with him and having him help wash the limousine. There's a boy there, I'm sure.”

The idea was that on the next weekend, just three days away, Viola would be traveling to Chicago by train for a major tennis tournament. Then, Evelyn and Merritt could make their escape.

*****
The plan worked to perfection. It was arranged that Mary and Michael would plan to leave the estate for a free weekend to visit her sister in Green Bay. That would leave Evelyn free to slip out and return to her family. Her mother had been happy to receive word that Evelyn wished to return home and persuaded her husband to agree to the arrangement, even going so far as to pick up Evelyn and Merritt at the Buckner Estate.

Thomas McGraw, her father, had mellowed, it seemed, as he picked up the two. Mary's luggage was sparse, attesting to her own modest wardrobe; Merritt's included only his few clothes, plus the new dress given him by Elizabeth, a doll made of rags and fire truck, purchased by the O'Hara's as a going-away gift.

“Why not take the nice clothes Viola bought you, dear?” Mary asked.

“I don't want anything of Viola's. I don't want to be accused of stealing.”

“Oh she wouldn't do that,” Mary said.

Remembering the jealous rage her employer had over the knowledge that Evelyn had met Bob Casey, Evelyn was indeed worried over repercussions.

“Glad to have you coming home, honey,” her father said, kissing her as she joined him in the front seat, placing Merritt on her lap.

“How's my boy?” he said, examining Merritt closely.

“Oh he's fine daddy, looking forward to starting school.”

“You have him dressed so neatly, just like Little Lord Fauntleroy,” her father said. “Looks like we'll have to get those knees dirty for him.”

“Now daddy, please don't start,” Evelyn said. “See he brought his favorite toy, a fire truck.”

It was a lie, of course. Merritt's favorite toy was the ragdoll that she had tucked away, hidden from sight in the luggage.

“I see you bought a car, finally,” Evelyn said, remembering how the family never before had a car.

“You know your dad is back at work now, in the front office, and doing pretty good. Wear a white collar and everything.”

“I'm so happy for you daddy.”

“I never owned a car before, and it took some work to learn how to drive it,” Thomas McGraw said. “It's a Buick. 1930. Used, but I got a good deal.”

The car lurched forward as he let out the clutch and began to move out of the drive, and back to the family home. The sudden movement startled Merritt, who clutched onto his mother, letting out a quick whimper.

“Don't be scared, honey,” Evelyn said, holding him tightly. “He's only been in a few automobiles, Daddy.”

Her father shook his head, as if to indicate he was upset with the boy's fear, signifying the lad was on his way to becoming a sissy, afraid of everything. But, he said nothing, and Evelyn clutched her son firmly, as the car lurched and moved haltingly out the drive and onto the road.

*****
Viola was furious when she returned home on Monday and was told by the O'Hara's that Evelyn had left with Merritt, not leaving word of where she was going. She blamed the two of them for allowing the young mother to leave the estate, but her main concern was the loss of Evelyn as her nightly lover. She had been enthralled by the young woman's naiveté and soft innocence, her smooth unwrinkled flesh and the light hair surrounding her pussy.

Since her daughters had been gone for the weekend visiting an aunt, they knew nothing, and Beth in particular was devastated, missing the young boy she loved to dress and engage as a little girl.

“Mommy, I want Merry,” the 13 year old Elizabeth lamented. “Do you think she took her new dress, mommy? The one I gave her?”

“Yes, honey, I think she did, 'cause it's no longer in her room. She took her ragdoll, too.”

“I love Merry,” the girl said.

The two girls and their mother had taken to calling the boy “Merry” and referring to him as “her,” a practice they curtailed only in recent months as Evelyn urged them to as she hoped to groom the boy into accepting more boyish behaviors. Now, with Evelyn gone, they reverted to the practice of denying the boy's gender, recasting him as a girl.

“Can I go visit Merry?” the girl asked.

“We'll see, honey,” her mother said. Viola's anger grew as she realized what a joy it was to have little Merry in the house. The girlish boy brought so much cheerfulness and seemed to bring out an almost maternal or sisterly instinct in them as they played with him, often dressing him in frilly frocks of the daintiest of mannerisms.

Viola questioned Mary closely, accusing her of being a part of the plot that permitted Evelyn to leave the estate.

“You ungrateful wretch,” she thundered at the cook. “I rescued you and your no-good husband from the unemployment lines and this is how you reward me. I oughta fire you both.”

“I'm sorry, Miss Viola,” she answered through her tears, finally admitting she had encouraged the young mother to leave with her son.

“She was unhappy here, Miss Viola,” the cook continued.

“How, why? Unhappy here?”

“I don't know, but I know you loved her but she was unhappy. That's all I know.”

“Oh posh,” Viola answered, her own face breaking into tears. She would miss the sweet love sessions with Evelyn.

“But you always have me, Miss Viola,” Mary volunteered.

“You?” her employer shot back. “No one can replace my Evie, but, yes, I have you!”

With that, she approached Mary and the two soon were in deep embrace, both crying heartily. Mary dreamed of returning to the bed of her employer, something she had been missing since Evelyn's young comely self had entered the household. Perhaps Mary figured with Evelyn gone, she would be able once again to leave her husband alone in their marital bed and pitter-patt into Viola's ornate bedroom for passionate love-making. It was an arrangement that Michael approved of: he had his own freedom then to visit his own secret friend, a burly mechanic from the Ford agency.

Chapter 8: A New Role for Merritt

Grandpa McGraw seemed pleased to have his daughter and her son living in the family home again. Evelyn and Merritt shared her old bedroom, which still retained much of it’s teen girl character, even though her parents had been using it largely as a storeroom for extra books and clothes vthat had overflowed from other rooms in the house. The room still had the pink and white curtains and bedspread, as well as two stylistic pictures of little girls in pigtails.

“I’ll teach your son how to catch a ball and use a bat, too,” he boasted over the supper table on the first night that Evelyn and her son were home.

That proved to be a challenge, but thanks to Mike O’Hara’s occasional instructions in catching and throwing a ball, Merritt had some acquaintance, but little skill with the athletic act. To his credit, Grandpa McGraw proved to have a high degree of patience as he took the boy into the family's tiny backyard, and began tossing a battered old softball to the child. As the lightly tossed ball came at Merritt, he fought it rather than trying to catch it, and after several sessions finally got the hang of catching the ball by cradling it in his tiny hands and bringing to into his waiting hands.

His throws were something else, though, and Grandpa McGraw was near to losing patience as the boy's return throws were pathetic tosses that ended at his grandfather's feet, or scooted to the left or right, forcing the man to labor to retrieve the ball.

“That's the way a girl throws,” Grandpa McGraw said at one point, referring to the short-armed throwing mannerisms and the elbows.

He tried to demonstrate the proper throwing method, but it seemed not to work. The boy's awkward throwing method continued, finally causing Grandpa McGraw to give up the effort after a few weeks.

The baseball experiment ended within the second week of Evelyn's return home. The “catch” sessions normally were held after supper most nights in the still sunny evenings, and Grandpa McGraw on this particular night his grandfather tossed the ball a bit too hard and too high, hitting Merritt smack in the nose. The boy burst into tears and ran into the house, finding his mother at the kitchen sink, doing dishes.

“Mommy, mommy,” he sobbed, wrapping himself into her apron, crying profusely.

At the moment, Grandpa McGraw entered, and Evelyn turned on him, asking in a sharp tone: “What happened, dad?”

“He missed the ball and it hit him in the nose, Evelyn,” he said. “He's all right, there's not even any blood.”

“But, he's crying, daddy?”

“He's not hurt,” her father insisted.

Roused by the crying, Evelyn's mother, Patricia, entered the room, scowling at her husband. “What did you do now, Thomas?”

“Nothing,” her husband protested. “He got hit by the ball, that's all. Boy's gotta have a few scrapes in his life.”

“I warned you against pushing Merritt too hard,” his wife said. “He's just a little boy.”

“For chrissakes, he's not hurt, and now he's wailing like a girl for just a little hit on the head.”

Hearing all this, Merritt clung even more tightly to his mother, who finally knelt down to bring the boy into her arms. She rose, cuddling him in his arms and holding him.

“I'm going to take him to our room and get him to quiet down,” Evelyn said.

She left the room, hearing her mother admonish her father: “Now Thomas, no more baseball for that boy until he gets older. Understand?”

She took the boy into their room, laying down on the bed, the lad still in her arms. His crying soon ended and Evelyn dried his face with a damp towel.

“Mommy,” Merritt said finally. “Can I have my doll? Please, mommy.”

Evelyn hesitated for just a moment, retrieving the ragdoll from the drawer where she kept it, hidden from her parents, in fear the boy would be in for more ridicule. The boy's face brightened immediately as he held the doll, cradling in his thin arms. “I love you, little Nancy,” the boy said, addressing the doll by the name he had given it some weeks earlier.

His mother smiled as she looked at the boy, so dainty as he curled up in the pink coverlet, cuddling his ragdoll. He was so pretty, so feminine.

*****
Two days after the baseball incident, on a bright Saturday afternoon, the doorbell rang, at the McGraw household. Rushing to the door, with Merritt skipping at her side, Evelyn saw the Buckner limousine at the curb. Merritt saw the same car, and he knew it well.

“Mommy, mommy, it's Michael's car.” Merritt always described the Buckner limousine as “Michael's car,” since it was always the chauffeur who drove it.

Yes, Merritt was right. Michael was standing by the car, and Evelyn looked through the small square window at the door to see Viola standing there.

“Oh my,” Evelyn said to herself. “I don't want to see her now.”

“Mommy,” Merritt said excitedly. “Open the door, it's aunty Viola. Maybe Bethie's there.”

Reluctantly, Evelyn opened the door, realizing that she and Merritt were alone in the house, and that Viola must know Evelyn was home.

“Yes,” Evelyn said, opening the inside door, but leaving the outer screen door latched. “What do you want?”

Viola stood there, holding the hands of her younger daughter, Elizabeth, who held a gift, wrapped in pink paper with blue bunnies on it. “Bethie,” as Merritt called the girl, had an apprehensive look on her face.

Merritt crowded in front of his mother, yelling gleefully, “Bethie, Bethie. Let them in mommy.”

“I have a gift for Merry,” the 13-year-old girl said, using the girlish name she had given Merritt.

Viola said: “Bethie insisted, Evie, and I hoped you'd want to see us again. I cried when you left, and, really, all of us did, Bethie especially.”

“I guess you better come in.”

The gift was a new Shirley Temple doll, which was still the rage among all little girls a year after its introduction. But it was expensive, maybe $5 to $6, which was out of the range of most families during the Depression.

“We can't accept this,” Evelyn said flatly when Merritt finished opening the gift. “It's too costly. And, Viola you were kind to Merritt and me for a long time, but I can't accept this.”

Holding tightly onto the curly-headed doll, Merritt looked at his mother: “Why not, mommy?”

Tears began to fall from his eyes, as Evelyn tried to take it from his clutches, but the child squirmed away and stood next to Elizabeth and her mother, both seated on the sofa in the living room. “Let Merry play with Shirley, Miss Evelyn,” Bethie pleaded.

“Let the children play, Evie,” Viola said. “We need to talk.”

Evelyn looked at her former employer with a hatred, mixed with a curiosity as to why the woman appeared at the door. Evelyn had felt that chapter of her life was ended, that her dependence upon the wealthy Viola Buckner had ended and that she was making a new life for herself and her son; she so much wanted Merritt to grow up a normal young boy and was so pleased to have taken him from the influences of the Buckner family where he was treated as a girl. She was pleased too that her own father was taking an interest in the lad and introducing him to boyish activities. She too was glad to escape the love-making that had developed between the two women, knowing it was wrong in the eyes of her church and her family customs. Yet, she recalled clearly the great pleasures she took in the caresses of the older woman.

Evelyn told Merritt to show Bethie their bedroom and that they could play briefly with the dolls while their mothers talked.

“I missed you so much, Evie, my dear.”

As Viola said this, she patted the seat next to her, beckoning Evelyn to join her, but Evelyn stayed put on the side chair across the small living room.

“I think it's over, Mrs. Buckner,” Evelyn said flatly.

“I don't think so, Evie,” the older woman said. “You enjoyed our sessions as much as I did. I could tell.”

Evelyn didn't answer, knowing she might find herself in a conversation that she'd regret.

“I didn't stop you from leaving, Evie, and I paid you everything you had coming, plus more.”

“I know that, and you were very generous, Mrs. Buckner, but I can't go back.”

“I’m not asking you too, but how will you survive? You can't live with your parents for long, particularly as Merritt grows older. And you see how his eyes lit up when he saw Bethie.”

“I'm getting a job,” she volunteered. “And I've had a date with a nice young man.”

“You mean that library clerk?”

“He's a sweet nice man, and he's smart, Mrs. Buckner. Once this Depression is over, he'll do ok.”

“He's hardly a man, Evie. He'll never love you as I do.”

Evelyn saw tears grow in the older woman's eyes; it surprised her, seeing this strong, commanding woman tear up. It was obvious that her love for Evelyn was real and overwhelming.

“I'll never hurt you, my darling Evelyn,” she pleaded. “Please arrange to come visit me from time to time. I'd so love to see you, and I know the girls would love time with Merritt.”

Remembering their love-making times, Evelyn too began to wonder if she'd also grow tears, but she was resolved to hold firm. She merely nodded in response to Viola's suggestion for frequent visits, leaving it non-committal.

“I'll call the girls,” Evelyn said, subconsciously including Merritt in the definition. “I have to get supper ready for us here.”

“OK, Evie, please give me a nice kiss before you do that,” Viola said, getting up from the sofa to meet Evelyn who had arisen from her chair to go summon Merritt and Bethie.

Evelyn let herself be taken into the arms of the older woman, and let their lips meet. Evelyn responded coldly to the kiss, but felt the urge returning to place herself into a passionate embrace. She quickly broke away, “I have to call the girls,” she said again, never realizing she called her son a girl.

The Buckners left, with Evelyn letting Merritt keep the new doll with the understanding that he must hide it in the room, away from Grandpa and Grandma. The boy nodded sadly, but understood. He was to begin acting more like a boy, he knew, but it wasn't easy.

Evelyn knew it would be hard to break from the life she knew for five years at the Buckners, but she also realized it might even be more difficult for her young, dainty son to become separated from the sweet girl he had become.

*****
“How did we get a grandson like that, Patti?” Thomas McGraw asked his wife one night as they sipped their after-supper coffees.

“Like what? He’s a sweet young boy. What d’you want? Some roughneck running around.”

“You know he’s hopeless in baseball, Patti. Have you watched me with him?

“Yes, but Thomas, he’s not even six years old yet. Don’t try to push him.”

“And when I took him fishing the other day, he got all squeamish around the worms and wouldn’t touch them, just like a girl.”

Patricia McGraw just shook her head. She was growing exasperated with her husband’s obsession to try to “make a boy” out of Merritt, as he called it.

“He’s just a very clean boy and doesn’t like anything dirty, Thomas. You ought to welcome that in a boy. At least he hangs his clothes up, something you never do.”

“Why do you have to change the subject, Patti? We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about Merritt’s future; he’s a boy and needs to grow up like one, or else there’ll be hell to pay for him.”

“Give him time,” his wife said, more sympathetically now, realizing the truthfulness of what he was saying.

Thomas continued: “We should never have let Evelyn move in with the Buckner woman. All those women in that place.”

“Oh posh. It was the best choice for Evelyn then, when no one else would take her and the baby,” she reminded her husband. “If you’ll remember, you were none to happy when she lived here at first.”