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You can call this a RANT!
I just don't know how it happens! I went through my entire transition while a member of this site, so anyone who has been here as long as I have know that it killed me! I'm not bringing myself down by going back over the whole damn debacle! AGAIN!
Why did I not kill myself entirely? Well, this morning I am wondering why I didn't! Look Sisters, this transitioning is like jumping into a black hole. Most of us lose every single thing that we valued. You won't find me telling you to do it.
And, for me it's over, and every single time I have to talk about it again, well it is like re-breaking myself again. Look, I am really really sorry that when you start your transition that it hurts like hell, and people shit on you. What, you thought you'd be different than me? OH GOD, I wish!!!! Really, I do wish that people would have a better experience than mine, I really really do.
So, I am with you as much as I can be but I can never be as supportive as I want to be, or that YOU want me to be. What, you think I can fix the hurt? What, I am not GOD, and lets face it, this appears to be one battle that GOD is not vitally interested in.
So, last night someone wants me to look at the Transgender Day Of Rememberance stuff. I woke up this morning wanting to drown myself in Lake Erie, but the damn thing is not cold enough yet.
Look, girls, some of you need to figure out that just going over and over things again and again just makes you more miserable than you already are. OH, don't think I don't care, but emersing myself in this crap all the time just sucks the life out of me. I'm sorry to be selfish, and I'll help you as much as I can but there will be a time when I won't be there for you. It's not because I don't care.
Gwendolyn
Comments
Yeah, and-
Then you move on.
I don't really know anything about you Gwen so take this with a grain of salt if you don't own any of it. I've been around it for a long time and in many communities around the country. Also having once been a provider to the community I have known many. Sometimes you need to be fluffed up and sent on your way, others you need to see the cold light of day.
Yes, it is a stereotypical country western song, most will lose everything, it will suck big time for awhile, maybe a long while. I try to remind each one I meet in early transition to remember how bad it is at their worst possible moment, how badly you wish you could just end it, end your life, make the pain go away , the anguish and torture of your incongruity. Really get in touch with that pain and then file it away. You are gonna need it for total recall down the road when life seems to suck so bad later in transition or maybe years down the road post-op.
Now tell me, is the suck you are on about now anywhere near as bad as the suck that drove you to do this to yourself in the first place? It seems that so many late transitioners put off and marginalize their lives until they'd either kill themselves or make a deal with the devil. Memory seems to be in short supply when you get almost everything you ever wanted and there was no planning on what you were going to do with your life beyond that moment. This new plateau becomes the new suck if you do not put some of that incredible energy and resourcefulness into your new life that you put into transitioning in the first place. Come on, we should be able to walk on water after getting this far. Look what you overcame to get here. You had to be a driven person to do this.
Some people do it then get on with the rest of their lives. Some get stuck in the gender ghetto and can't seem to claw their way out. Others seem happy there and never seem to leave. You certainly are not going to become a better woman in a peer group of others trying to do the same. You can only become a better tranny. Yes it is comfortable and supportive. It is even necessary for initial survival for some.
This is a war in our soul and like any war you need an exit strategy, a vision. You also need flexibility and be prepared to act on it an dfollow new dreams. Like I said I used to be a provider to the community then a new opportunity came along and my partner asked me "do you want to keep doing that or do you want to do this?" I took the new adventure. There are still moments when life sucks. I suspect they would have sucked just as bad if I had not transitioned, life just has sucky moments so why heap it all on guilting ourselves because we did this thing? If you get bitter and negative about it then everything you observe will be though a bitter and negative filter. Get in the moment, stay in the moment and deal with life as it comes to you without the judgements we brought with us. Its hard, I have trouble with it too but I work on it.
You changed your life to get this far, you can change your future if you put half that amount of energy into it.
Absolutely
I agree entirely - oh and drowning is very messy.
Angharad
Angharad
Water
..and I would be harpooned if I tried it. You have a personal message.
You Owe It To Yourself
Gwen, you owe it to yourself to take care of number one first, YOU. Do what you have to do to protect and nurture yourself. If you can't do it alone, reach out for help.
There is no requirement that you bleed yourself emotionally dry in order to help others, or to participate in "a cause" or to dwell on the painful path that got you here, or to throw yourself down a well of depression.
Live your life as best you can, with all the positivity and internal contentment you can find. If you haven't got the capacity to deal with the reminders or hurts of the past, well don't! Nobody will think the less of you.
Know that you are loved and appreciated, and that things will get better with time.
i wish i had a magic wand hon
to make your hurt go away. Know that I would like to be there for you, in any way I could. please take care of yourself, and seek professional help if you need it, (and it sounds like you do) Hugs.
Rant what you want dear
... but as the old saying goes, nobody is indispensable. It sounds like it is time to move on and find your own bliss, I really hope you do.
Winning the transition means winning the real life thing too. Me, I plan on sampling other things in life while still remaining true to myself as possible. I am middle aged and the clock is ticking for me, and maybe for you too.
Go find happiness, the trans community will go on without you and if you decide to come back, you will be welcome.
Kim
It's okay, Gwen.
You should not be asked to jump back in to a place that you found painful. Let them know that you aren't comfortable past a certain point, or whatever. It's truly laudable that you want to help, but set a limit, or be clear on how far you want to go. Anyone who can't handle that needs to be referred to someone else. We know you're not super-woman (uhm, or are you?), so it's all right to feel frustrated.
Wren
*sighs*
I look at your blog. I look at so many stories by others, where the proverbial train wreck happens. I think about my life, the past few years, and I fear that I too will destroy other's happiness.
Then, I look at some others, who have successfully transitioned (Heck, one is an Obama appointee. Others are Doctors, Lawyers & University Professors, and more. And, I see hope.
One one point, I do agree. The decision to transition is NOT one to be taken lightly. As long as it didn't change who I am, I'd do almost anything to not be transsexual. (Note the almost.) However, my wife and I've agreed that anything requiring cramming Annette back into a box or eliminating "her" would also change me - in a way neither of us would want. So, I think we (it's not - despite many folks statements to the contrary - at least in my case, a solitary decision) are in it for the ride. Do I wish it were over? You better believe it.
My wife AND I have agreed that a transition is coming. The question is not whether. It is only when. By mutual agreement, it's going slow - hopefully to make it as "un bumpy" as possible... (Eliminating facial hair, losing weight and improving my voice are all things that will smooth the bumps...) Fun? No. Do I get frustrated? Yes. Do I wish things were going faster? Yes... Do I fear for the future? Yes...
Anne