Dreams
By Connie Alexander

Normally I can't remember my dreams. But it seems that ever since I retired and moved up to this cabin, I've been having some strange dreams, dreams about me and my late wife Gail. I've been remembering them more too.

Last night we were walking along a mountain path, hand in hand and just like when we were young. We come to stream and we decide to sit on a rock and cool our feet in the water.

I turn to Gail and say, "I've missed you, you know."

"I know hon," she replied, "I've missed you too. But it was my time."

"It's so hard without you."

"Is that why you moved up here? You plan on ending it all?"

"Oh, I'm not going to do anything drastic." I say, "I'm too chicken. No, I'm just tired. Tired of being around people. I need the quiet."

"Tired of pretending too?"

"What on earth, or should I say heaven, do you mean by that?"

"Thomas, you know exactly what I mean." She said, "All of these years you've been living a lie. You've not been true to your nature."

"You're barmy." I reply, "I haven't the vaguest notion of what you're talking about."

"Oh sweetheart. I'm not saying this to hurt you and you can certainly admit the truth to me. And I'll give you three reasons why you can without embarrassment. First, I'm your wife, or at least I was and I still think of myself that way. We have a bond that we forged over so very many years, you can trust that. Second, I'm dead; who am I going to tell? And third, this is just a dream to you, tell me, and everything stays right here. Now please, won't you tell me? You've held it in for so long, why not let it out here. It might help you know."

"Oh Gail. You're right of course. Damnit woman, you can't even let me get my own way after you're gone. But again, you're right as rain."

"Ok then, here it goes. I've never felt right in my own skin. There, I've said it. I guess that I first noticed this when I was about six or seven. I always was more interested in playing with the girls and their games than playing with my brothers and traditional boy games. But, that could never happen. After all, boys did boy things and girls did girl things and never the twain shall meet."

"I've always hated being embarrassed. Now I know that no one likes to be embarrassed but with me it went a lot farther, there were times I got suicidal over something that anyone else would just turn a bit red faced and move on over. So, for instance, the time my eldest brother caught me playing dolls with the girls and teased me in front of everyone about it, well let's just say that I never played dolls with the girls again. It also took my folks a day and a half to find me. Boy did I get my hide tanned."

"So if something minor could set me off do ya think that I'd even try to look on the outside like I felt on the inside?"

"Tell me Tom, what did you feel you were on the inside?"

"A girl. I felt like I really was a girl. Isn't that just a kick in the head? Big 'ol ugly me, really a girl. But for all of my life I've felt that way. I still do, and there was never anything I could do about it."

"Why ever not? Heck, we even knew someone, now what was her name?"

"Margaret Grayson, back when we lived in Virginia."

"That's the one. She'd gone the whole route if I recall, had the operation and everything. You certainly could have done the same."

"No, no I couldn't. Margaret was able to pull it off. When she was done, there was no one who could have said that she wasn't born in a woman's body. But honey there is absolutely no way that I could have done the same. And if I couldn't pass, then I wouldn't; then I just couldn't do it. There was no way that I could change and not have people look and see a man trying to pass as a woman and doing a piss poor job of it too."

"There was one time, when I had gone off to college that I was rooming with a gay couple. Chuck and Jeff. Now Chuck was a drama major and loved the theater. He also did a drag show on the weekends. Anyhow, he was a wiz with makeup. Now for his show, he'd go all camp and take it to the extreme but he could also make himself up so there was absolutely no way you could mistake him for a male. I mean no way at all."

"He'd sometimes do that just to see how many straight guys he could get panting and chasing after him. And let me tell you, they would be."

"Well anyway, one day Jeff was going to have to work late and Chuck's plans fell thru so he was going to be home, and we got to talking and I finally got up the nerve to ask him if he could make me look like a woman. Actually, I think I phrased it as a dare. Well we ended up betting on if he could or not and for the entire day he worked on me. I think I was his one defeat. When he was finally done, he conceded that had I won the bet. I looked like a monkey with lipstick on. I really wish I'd lost that bet."

"That event put the last effort on my part from ever even considering a physical change. Instead, I'd just be a girl in my mind. There I could be the delicate little girl and dress and act as I wanted. On the outside and to the rest of the world, I'd remain the way I was born."

"I always hoped in reincarnation, hoping that if it was true, then the next time, I could be born in the right body."

"Damnit woman, look what you made me do, I'm crying."

Gail's gentle voice said, "Sweetie, you needed the release. You've been holding that in for far too long. Now admit it, you do feel a bit better now, don't you?"

"Yea, right again, as usual." And I smile at her.

The next morning when I woke, my pillow was wet from my tears.