By Andrea Ribeiro
Thanks To Stanman63 for editing!
Synopsis:This chapter deals with a suicide attempt. I personally would avoid writing about suicide, but this story has been haunting my dreams for over a week now and I believe it is begging to be written. This first chapter is quite heavy and dark, but I promise the next ones will be a lot lighter.
.
Here I am, lighting scented candles in the bathroom while I wait for the tub to fill. Tears streak down my cheeks, very soon it will be all over. No more pain, no more suffering. The tub fills up and I add some of my mother’s jasmine scented salt baths, slowly enter it, soaking my body in its warm water, I reach for my father’s razor, take a deep breath, close my eyes and cut my wrists.
It’s done. Now all I need to do is to wait and the pain will go away. I think to myself.
I try to relax while the blood slowly pour to the tub water, and I start to think about my day and how it led me to this moment.
The day started pretty normal, I woke up, got dressed, had my breakfast and cycled my way to the school. Arriving at the high school things started going sour. You see, I’m a 15 year old high school sophomore, but I look younger and I am one of the shortest boys in my school. Heck, most of the girls are taller than me. I am the favorite target for the school bullies, specially Tom Arnold, the football team captain. He has bullied my daily ever since I started high school, beating me up and stealing my lunch money, and today wasn't different.
As I get closer to my locker I see him waiting for me, I try to turn around and run away, but one of his friends appear from behind and grabs my arm, and pushes me inside the boys bathroom.
“Hey faggot, where is my lunch money?” Tom asks me.
“Your lunch money? It's my money.” I spat back a him, tired of the constant abuse.
“No, you sissy faggot, its my money, so give it to me or I'll beat you up and grab it anyway.”
“I don't have any more money this week you moron, you already stolen everything I had for the week.”
“Don't lie to me freak!!! Give me my money or I'll beat the crap out of you.”
“Go ahead, I don't have it and you always beat me up anyway.” I say holding back the tears and trying not to look scared.
The next thing I know I'm falling down to the floor after he punch me on my stomach, trying to get my breath back. Then he kicks me a few times and then start throwing my things out of my backpack looking for the money I don't have.
“Where is it, Freak? Where is the money?”
“I... I t.told you I don't have any.”
He then kicks me one more time and say “Let's go guys, we don't want to be late for class.”
I stay down a few more minutes crying before I was able to put myself together. I get my things and go to my homeroom class.
As I open the door, Mr. Jameson, my homeroom teacher looks at me and say “Nice for you to finally join us Mr. Heart, do you have any excuse for being late again?”
“No, sir. I’m sorry sir.”
“Sit down Mr. Heart, and I don't want to see you late again.”
“Thank you sir.”
After that the day went on slowly, being tripped on the halls between classes or shoved on the lockers doors by Tom and his cronies. At the end of the school day, things got even worse.
When I go outside to grab my bike to go home, I want to cry again. My bike is destroyed, bent wheels and the frame broken. I want to scream and cry but I hold myself because I see Tom and his friends on the other side of the street pointing at me and laughing their asses off.
I decided to walk home as I don't have money for the bus, luckily its only 2 miles.
While I walked home I kept asking myself why did he hate me so much, what did I do to him, why can't he leave me alone?
Finally, I got home and went to my room. I check the time and see that I have at least one more hour alone before my sister gets home from her practice and my parents from work. I then reach my closet and remove fake bottom where I hide my other clothes. I pick up my blue floral sun dress, a pair of panties and a padded bra. After I get dressed I brush my hair and look at the mirror. Looking back at me is the real me, a pretty girl, with shoulder lenght dark brown hair and blue eyes. She smiles back at me and I feel the stress starting to subside.
I lay down on my bed for a bit thinking about my life and whats soooo good about it. I have an older sister that avoids me like the plague, a distant mother that doesn't know how to deal with me and a father that keeps trying to “man me up” every chance he gets. I start crying and after a while I ended up sleeping of pure emotional exhaustion.
I wake up with my father screaming “WHAT THE FUCK YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING???”
Oh crap...“D...daddy?”
“YOU FREAKING FAGGOT!!!! TAKE OFF THAT FUCKING DRESS RIGHT NOW!!!”
“N...no.”I say without thinking.
“WHAT??”
“I said no daddy, this is who I am. I am a girl.” deciding its time to finally stand up to myself.
“YOU ARE NOT A GIRL YOU DAMN SISSY! NOW TAKE OUT THAT FUCKING DRESS RIGHT NOW!!”
“NO!!”
He then launched at me and rip my dress and bra out, I never saw so much rage in my father’s eyes. I saw them him making a fist and I closed my eyes and started to shake waiting for the punch, but it never came.
I then opened my eyes and saw my father turning around and waking towards the door saying “I can’t even look at you right now. Tomorrow I’ll take you to the barber to get a crew cut and enroll you at the military school. I’ll make you a man even if it’s the last thing I do and if I ever hear about you wearing girl clothes again I’ll beat the crap out of you.”
I then fell down shaking and crying. “My life is finally over, I can’t be a boy, I won’t EVER become a man.” I thought to myself.
A lifetime later, or perhaps just a few minutes, I have no idea, I felt numb and out of desperation I went to my desk and started to write a note.
Dear mom and dad,
I’m sorry I can’t be the son you wanted, but I can’t be a man, I am a girl and always have been, but I know that you’ll never allow me to be myself and I can’t live a lie anymore, I rather die than become a man.
I can’t deal with the pain and loneliness anymore. I hope someday you find in your hearts to forgive me.
Your loving daughter,
Joan.
I’m starting to feel tired now. I hope it won’t take long.
I hear a voice calling me.
“Johnny, are you in there?”
It’s my mom
“Johnny, please answer me.”
I’m so sleepy now....
“John, there is something wrong, Johnny isn’t answering.”
“JOHNNY, OPEN THAT DOOR NOW!!!!”
“Open up sweety, I just want to talk to you, please.”
“Get out of the way,I’m going to open the door, that fucking bastard will learn his lesson”
I then hear loud banging on the door and the door suddenly is forced open.
Through my sleepy eyes I slowly look at the door and see the shocked look at my parents faces.
“JOHNNY!!!” My mother yells and runs to me.
“I’m going to call the emergency, you keep him awake, don’t let him sleep.” my father says.
“Oh, god Johnny, stay with me.”
“Mommy?”
“Mommy is here sweetheart.”
“I’m so sleepy, Mommy....”
“Don’t sleep honey, help is on the way. Please stay with me.”
“I.. I love you Mommy.”
“I love you too sweety, please stay with me.”
“I’m sorry Mommy, I’m so sleepy.....”
“No sweety, don’t sleep, stay with me, please.”
“I.... love... you... Mommy.....” I tell her before the darkness engulfs me and I hear her screaming voice sounding far far away....
“JOHNNY!!!!”
To Be Continued...
Comments
Joan - Chapter 1
Why didn't any student or teacher help Joan? Were the scared of the bullies?
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
Been there
It's a place I inhabited for some years. I am still trying to work it out, but at least I am still here. Lucky.....
Beautigfully written
ALISON
'but I could not stop crying.I have seen too much of the same in my lifetime.If it would only bring bigoted people to their senses.But congrats on a good first chapter.
ALISON
I am concerned
Whenever I read a story like this I am always concerned for the author. More so today when one of my favorite writers has taken down all her stories from this site.
(Nancy Cole)
Your story has been writen in pain that is quiet clear. But I want to remind the author there is a community out here who cares. I do not know where in the world you may live but here in cyberspace for what it worth you have a home.
CHAPTER 1
This story touched me --- this is 2010 and i have alot of TG friends who are the best funniest, honest, talented, caring, interesting, positive people I know and I love them. People should be able to live their lives (as long as it is not hateful) and this chapter had me in tears cause Joan is a person its her life and she is beautiful and should be allowed to grow as she is ..... ty for this its reinfoced me into knowing I support you all who has to go through this unecessary predjudice.
nice post
I love your posting to the author of this story.:}
I am Trans Sexual myself and am really happy to see such a posting as yours!
I am also very happy that our world has become so much more accepting of us.
My mother was the first to accept me for who I am which was something that brought me to a waterfall of tears of total happiness. Her friends also accepted me whole heartedly and to top it off they all asked me what took so long to start my transitioning, WOW!
What amazed me even more was that the rest of my family, Aunts, Uncles and cousins all accepted me for who I am which totally amazed me and still does.:}
I am an in home care giver for the elderly and the handicapped in south west Oregon and have been living as Vivien for nearly six years now and doing wonderfully well for the most part.
The only troubles that I had was a retired minister and his wife but that ended soon as they ended up booted out of their home so they had to leave and leave me alone but I wasn't the only one they picked on as they casued trouble for everyone which told us all that they were two very unhappy with themselves so they wanted company. Guess what? They didn't get any company from anyone!!
I am so lucky to live in the area that I live in and am so lucky to have so many friends who are accepting and caring. My landlord is also accepting and also a Baptist Minister who is really nice and honest. Who could ask for more?
Vivien Tena' Britton
I didn't realize....
that there had been a video camera present in my parent's bathroom.
"Here I am, lighting scented candles in the bathroom while I wait for the tub to fill. Tears streak down my cheeks, very soon it will be all over. No more pain, no more suffering. The tub fills up and I add some of my mother’s jasmine scented salt baths, slowly enter it, soaking my body in its warm water, I reach for my father’s razor, take a deep breath, close my eyes and cut my wrists."
Except for the fact that it was my straight razor not my father's, and the scent was eucalyptus.
Interesting character name as I found out a little further on, given my own name.
Excellent story, and way too true to life in this chapter.
Katharine Erica Hart
"While the rest of the human race are descended from monkeys, redheads derive from cats."
Kate
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes." William Gibson