CHERISHING MARY.
By
Anne Gray
Chapter 2

The movie was over, the tea was cold and I was almost content. Mary was here, but she wasn’t. I knew my love could never return but during the last couple of hours I had felt as close to her as if she was sitting with me.

There were no more tears to be shed. I had found a way to bring her close to me again. There was no rational explanation but none was needed. If dressing in her clothes could bolster my memories and ease my hurt then so be it.

Leaving the part cup of cold tea I poured myself a stiff drink and sat down again. It was no more than a few seconds after settling back in the chair when I realized I had smoothed my skirt under me without thinking.

There was no way what happened this evening, the almost agonizing beauty of what had happened in my head and in my heart, would survive if I tried to call on it everyday. That was just common sense. Just as anything good becomes diluted when overworked I had to find a happy medium or lose what I had just found.

Finishing the drink I went back upstairs and stripped off everything including the makeup. A quick shower and my hand hovered over the drawer with my pajamas then reached instead for one of Mary’s nightgowns.

Climbing into bed I was suddenly overwhelmed with the feeling of loneliness; there were still tears left.

God, I couldn’t do this by myself. I had to pull myself together. I had to talk to someone.

Gloria?

Four days later, after a series of e-mails, I flew west again.

I had booked a three hour evening session with the owner of ‘Crossroads’ and asked her to recommend a quiet place where we could have dinner. There had been some surprise at that request but, by early evening, we had settled into a booth and made small talk while ordering drinks and our meals.

She, I had given up wondering and just accepted her as female, wrapped both hands around the cocktail glass and raised an eyebrow as she looked at me. The unasked question was obvious and I started talking.
Pausing only while our meals were served and eating just as an excuse to gather my thoughts, I told her the whole story.

Gloria was silent through dessert and so deeply in thought that I held my own tongue.

“Michael, this is beyond me. I am very, very good at what I do but I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist. I want to help you but what you describe is, to me, a completely new reason for someone crossdressing.”

“Many of the clients I treat have, for obvious reasons, the need for medical advice and treatment. I have a colleague who is not just a medical doctor but also a councilor to the TS/TV community. Thank you for trusting me enough to reveal what is going on; now trust me again and go to see this doctor. If you don’t Michael what is happening could become a mishandled obsession or a crutch that will ruin the 20 or 25 plus years you have yet to live. Please!’

I knew I needed help and agreed.

Gloria pulled out a cell phone and walked away from the table only to return in a few minutes.

“I explained that I had a client with a unique problem who does not live in this part of the country; he has agreed to see you tomorrow morning.” She wrote down a name and address.

Without any feelings of embarrassment I repeated my story to the doctor and he listened, without comment, for the best part of thirty minutes. It was quiet for a few minutes then he spoke.

“Michael, I understand you do not live near here, is that correct?”

“Yes”

“I need to know where you do live and I’ll explain why. I am just one of several dozen in the medical profession who have set up a loose association to look after the needs of our transgender and transvestite community across the country. What you have told me is not something that can be resolved, or helped, without an in depth look at what is going on with you. I would like to refer you to someone within our network who you can meet with on a regular basis.”

He saw my hesitation.

“Michael — you are forgetting something in your need for keeping this private. I, and anyone I refer you to, are bound by professional doctor patient ethics; your secret is safe with us. You just have to trust us!”
I told him where I lived and he consulted a Rolodex then smiled and said I was in luck.

“If anyone can sort out what you need to do and how to handle it then Dr. West is the one with the experience and knowledge to help.”

Dr. West was a woman who, I guessed, had at least a couple of years on me. She spent our first fifteen minutes outlining her credentials and putting me at ease. Then Lianne, as I was asked to call her, settled back in her chair and asked me what was going on.

For the third time I outlined the happenings of the last few months that led up to my feelings of being swamped and overwhelmed.

When I finished she clasped her hands under her chin and just looked at me for a few moments.

“Michael, I’m not going to pull any punches, that would not do either of us any good. I am going to pose to you a very difficult question to think about before our next session.”

“You stopped cross dressing when you met Mary because you thought that if she found out you would lose her. Now she is gone and you have started dressing again. I’m sorry, Michael, but this is very critical to any progress we might make. Are you now exploring dressing again because Mary is gone and you can’t chase her away now or does it really help you to hold on to a part of her? You have to be brutally honest with yourself. Think about it and I will see you next week.”

Over the next few days I tore myself apart. The thinking behind Dr. West’s question was obvious. Was I using Mary’s loss as an excuse to start cross dressing again?

After five days of sleepless nights, half eaten meals and, maybe, too much to drink I again found myself leaning against the door of the walk-in closet. Staring at the hangers of clothes, the shoe racks along the floor and a few hats and purses on the shelf I closed my eyes and again tried to sort out my thoughts.

“I was thinking of my wife Dr. West. The happiness we had together, the almost scary way we could finish each other’s sentences or know what the other was thinking. The clothes were secondary but they are a means to an end. That end is staying connected with my love of the last thirty years — Mary. Does that answer your question?"

“Yes Michael, it does and well done. You know that question had to be answered first. Now for the next one, how far do you want to take the cross dressing? Are we talking full time perhaps where Michael disappears? You need to give me some parameters so I know what we are working towards. It might seem that I am making you do all the work but until I know your goals I can’t plan a course of action.”

“No, not full time or any where close to it. It’s hard to explain but I think I can almost feed off getting close to Mary to support me, as Michael, while I try to pull my life back together. I do want to be able to pass in public because I don’t want to be housebound when I’m dressed. What about one or two days every other week?”

“That’s hardly practical or feasible Michael. I’ve met very few in the TV community who can turn everything on and off like a light switch. The occasional professional impersonator might manage but I don’t think it is an option for you.”
You want to be able to ‘go public’ but not from your house so what did you have in mind?”

“I was thinking of buying a condo with a private entrance. I could move what was needed there from the house and set it up as a lease to my ‘sister’ who travels a great deal”

“I suggest you go ahead and find something suitable but that you lease it to maybe a distant cousin, not a sister. Once that is in place then perhaps plan on eventually spending one week a month dressed. But first I’m going to suggest, at the very least, you spend one complete month en femme until you feel comfortable. You have to find and develop your female character and get so used to it that it becomes second nature.”

“You’re going to need help to continue developing that feminine persona. Believe me it’s not just the clothes and makeup and, Michael, it is not something you can do by yourself.”

We knew I could not keep flying to the west coast so, after asking my permission, Lianne made a call to Gloria and flipped on the speakerphone so that we could have a three way conversation. I stayed out of things while she explained the situation. Gloria asked me few questions and confirmed what Dr. West had told her before she asked for a few days to think about our request.

Lianne suggested we call her again in a week when the next session was scheduled.

The next week was a busy one as I contacted agents setting the hunt for a condominium in motion. Entering Lianne’s office for our weekly session I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw Gloria standing beside the doctor.

“Please come in and close the door Michael then I’ll explain. Gloria called me three days ago with an idea to help you and solve a problem she has. It’s a bit complicated so I asked her to fly in for this session and explain it to you herself. I hope you don’t think I have violated your trust.”

I walked over to the coffee tray thinking hard. “I consider Gloria a friend, even though I’ve only known her for a short time and she knows my story so no I am not upset. What’s the idea Gloria?”

“Thank you Michael. Like you I had someone close to me involved in a car accident several months ago. Unlike you it did not result in their death but is tragic none-the-less. Nancy has worked with me since I opened Crossroads as a makeup and hairdressing expert and became as close to me as a sister. She lost both her legs above the knee.”

The room was very quiet, as Gloria seemed to collect herself and then continued.

“The case is before the courts and her lawyers have already turned down a very large out of court settlement; they expect the final decision will be in the millions. That, however, will take time and Nancy needs desperately to occupy herself to take her mind off things a little bit.”

“My idea is that I will pay for Nancy to fly here if you will agree to arrange a place for her to live and provide a small weekly salary to tide her over. In return she will tutor you until you are completely comfortable passing in public.”

Dozens of questions tumbled around in my head. I looked at Lianne and she just nodded slightly.

“Have you talked to Nancy about this idea?”

“No, but I think she will agree. She’s going stir crazy confined to the wheelchair.”

“How old is she and is she married?”

“She’s in her mid forties and was divorced ten years ago.”

“She doesn’t have any ‘hang ups’ about cross dressers?”

“I told you she’s been with me at Crossroads for years.”

“Why is she still in a wheelchair and not fitted with prosthesis’s?”

“It’s an insurance thing. They are waiting for the court decision. It will force them to pay but, in the meantime, they are playing their usual delay at every turn game.”

I thought I heard a muttered ‘bastards’.

“Dr West?”

‘If I didn’t think the idea had merit I would not have invited Gloria to join us today Michael.”

“OK Gloria. Talk to Nancy and let me know immediately if she agrees because I’ll have to change my condo search for something that is wheelchair accessible. After that we need to get down to the details.”

Several very hectic weeks later I had purchased, not a condo, but a fairly secluded bungalow and arranged for a contractor to install the necessary ramps and grab bars. A couple of the inside doorways were widened and I bought some basic furniture. I also took out a short term lease on an SUV equipped with a chair lift

During this time I dressed one or two evenings each week and felt revitalized as I gradually emerged from what Dr. West had told me was an almost dangerous case of depression. The weekly sessions continued as she helped me understand what was going on inside my skull.

Finally, I moved most of Mary’s clothes to the bungalow and stocked in some groceries. Two days later Gloria arrived with Nancy.

She was a lovely pixie who had short hair that was an almost white blonde with a fringe that fell across her forehead drawing attention to the most amazing pair of blue eyes. There was sadness in those eyes, understandably, but they held mine firmly as we shook hands.

“Hello Michael I hear that we can maybe help each other; I hope so.”

I took them on a tour of the house and made some notes as they suggested things that were needed. Things like a dressing table with makeup mirrors and a full-length mirror that could be mounted on one of the doors. In the kitchen Nancy asked for a microwave because, when I was not around, the stove would not be practical for her to use.

After a couple of hours of chatting and discussing our plans Nancy glanced at Gloria and said, “I am quite comfortable with Michael and the set up here and I’m sure we will get along. If he feels the same way then let’s do it.”

Gloria looked at me with a smile and a raised eyebrow.

“I agree with Nancy so why don’t you head home and let us get to work.”

After she had left I took Nancy’s suitcases to her room and then went to a local second hand furniture store and arranged for them to deliver the dresser and mirror. The microwave and other things on the list went in my SUV and I headed back to make dinner.

As far as the other house I had arranged for a maid service to go in once a week while I was supposedly on a month long cruise. They would look after any problems and the security service would check it regularly.

Nancy and I had a quiet dinner and, although she handled the wheelchair easily enough, she promised to call me if she needed help with anything.

“Michael, in the morning we will start so please come to breakfast dressed as you think is appropriate and we will take it from there.”

I was up early and spent over an hour getting my makeup and hair done. Over the one piece body shaper I put on a slip that nearly reached my knees and then a crisp white high necked blouse and a rust coloured skirt and black pumps. Feeling a little bit proud of my efforts I followed the smell of coffee and said good morning to Nancy.

“I have a couple of questions. What do I call you is one? And the second is when was the last time you saw a woman making breakfast dressed like that and wearing 3” heels?”

I just sat down and stared at her then sipped on the coffee she slid in front of me.

“The secret to dressing, and being passable, is to look natural and as if you belong in any given situation. You are dressed for the office but you are in a kitchen. I want you to go and take off all the makeup except for the eyebrow pencil and a touch of lipstick. Then find something to wear that fits what I have just said.”

Wearing a simple sweater, a pair of slacks and flats I came back to finish my coffee.

“How about Marie? Your wife is a silent partner in this right? You are not attempting to bring her back by trying to be her so Mary is not an option. You are trying to explore your feminine side because it brings you closer to her memory; am I correct?”

“Yes and Marie would work because most of my identification is just with my initial M.”

“Marie it is then. Now one other thing before breakfast; I don’t think it is a good idea for you to always be wearing Mary’s clothes. For those special moments just between the two of you they are fine but day to day would diminish the effect.”

It only took a few moments for me to see that Nancy was right and I said so.

“Fine then go and find Michael and we’ll visit the department store in town. Gloria gave me your measurements so I know Marie’s sizes. Just help me around and I’ll pick out a basic wardrobe for her and then we will come back here and start again. Do I need to worry about a budget?”

I told her that, within reason, money was not a problem and then went to change.

The lift worked very well and once I had her chair locked in place she arranged her long skirt to drape down to the empty footrest.

It was four hours later, one of which had been spent enjoying a lunch in the store’s restaurant, when I helped her back in the house and unloaded an armful of packages. Another hour was spent moving Mary’s clothes into a spare room and taking off labels and tags before putting our purchases away.

“Now, pick out something suitable for a women making supper and say goodbye to Michael for a while.”

For the next five days Nancy never let up and we didn’t leave the house. One hour each morning I helped her through a set of exercises she had to do. Then I stayed close by the closed bathroom door in case she got in trouble bathing away the sweat.

She had me change clothes two or three times a day and do my makeup to match what I was wearing. Nancy would set out a situation or scenario such as lunch at a nice restaurant then spend ten or fifteen minutes critiquing me. Anytime we took a rest she handed me a magazine or a book to read out loud and practice a more feminine voice.

She was positive and supportive and, with the makeup, she always showed me my mistakes and how to match it to the outfit and situation. Very occasionally I got to wear flats but usually it was heels of varying heights and Nancy kept up a constant stream of advice until I could adjust my posture and steps almost automatically.

I must admit I was very glad that the stairs to the basement had a solid handrail because for a while she had me going up and down them in high heels.

“You will not always be faced with nice flat floors Marie” was her practical reasoning.

It was around one o’clock the next morning when I woke up trying to place the sounds I was hearing and, grabbing a dressing gown, went out in the hallway. The sounds were coming from Nancy’s bedroom and as I pushed open the door there was enough light for me to see her face down under the covers with a pillow wrapped around her head; she was trying to muffle the heartbreaking sobs that I heard.

I moved to stand beside the bed for a moment unsure what to do then it was obvious what was needed.

I sat on the side of the bed, pulled away the pillow and gathered her into my arms.

“Let it go Nancy, let it out. I’m here and my shoulder is all yours.”

For a moment she tried to pull away and I was afraid that she would be angry I had invaded her privacy, but then she just went limp and the sobs seemed to tear themselves from her throat. I just held her firmly but gently in my arms.

Gradually she calmed down and I got a facecloth and towel from the bathroom to wipe her face. Holding her again I stayed quiet and felt some of the tension leave her body.

It was barely a whisper. “It was watching you practice in those high heels today and I realized I would never wear them again; it all just caught up with me. I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry about, you had me worried that’s why I came in your room; I’ll get back to my own unless you’d like a cup of tea or something.”

“No nothing but thank you Michael for being so caring.”

The next morning nothing was said but she gave me a light kiss on the cheek when I sat down with our coffee.

“Marie, you are doing very well so far but I don’t think you would be happy just yet going public. Am I right?”

There was no doubt that I had made a great deal of progress with Nancy’s guidance but, besides the obvious fear of going out for the first time, I knew she was reading me correctly. I just nodded.

“Well then I hope you don’t mind that we will be having a visitor this morning. No don’t look so scared; what day is it?”

I had to think.

“Oh God. Dr. West.”

It was her turn to nod.

“Are you all right having your weekly session with her here as Marie? I can call and change the plans if it is a problem.”

Lianne complimented me on my dress and makeup and we spent most of the session strolling in the garden. I told her what had happened the night before and was surprised at her reaction.

“Two hurt and lonely people comforting each other, I don’t see anything wrong with that. Do you think Mary would object?”

Did I?

“Mary was a very loving and compassionate person and she would not see anything wrong with what happened.”

“Then, Marie, think of this, if it had been you who died would you have wanted or expected Mary to live the rest of her life without human companionship? Don’t answer that now; let it simmer for a while. Nancy thinks you are doing really well and I wonder if you would aim at coming to my office next week as Marie for your official ‘coming out’?”

Nancy seemed to step up the pace of the lessons getting critical to a point where I started to have second thoughts. I had somehow believed that learning to be Marie would help me relax as I came to terms with why I was doing it but Nancy was picking me apart at every turn.

After three days the tension was getting unbearable and I was losing all the confidence I had gained. At lunch that day she kept up the constant stream of comments.

“You had breakfast this morning Marie so why are you shoveling food in as if you were starving. That’s hardly ladylike.”

I just looked at her trying to see if maybe she was joking; she wasn’t. I slammed down my knife and fork and left the table. Fifteen minutes later after a quick shower Michael was back and I headed for the front door of the house.

“Chickening out Marie?”

“No. I’m going out to probably get drunk while I try to figure out where the supportive teacher I was growing very fond of went and where the bitch came from who has replaced her.”

I had enough commonsense, despite my anger, to know diving into a bottle would not solve anything so two hours afterwards I was still nursing the large scotch I had ordered.

What had happened? Everything seemed to have been going along smoothly. Nancy and I had developed a great relationship being supportive of each other when it just seemed to fall apart. My cell phone buzzing broke into my thoughts.

“Michael, it’s Gloria. I’ve just spent a long time on the phone with Nancy and she is really upset.”

“So am I Gloria, so am I; I have no idea why she’s acting like she is.”

“I do Michael and I’m going to interfere because, while I like you, I love Nancy and you are both hurting. She’s scared Michael.”

“But I have never give her any reason to fear me, or Marie for that matter. I’ve treated her with the respect she deserves and, honestly if you must know, I was getting very comfortable with her around.”

“That’s what has scared her Michael. She’s feeling the same way. She told me she likes both Michael and Marie and that you were so gentle with her no matter how you were dressed. I’ll quote her ‘a cross dresser and a cripple what could that lead to. I know I hurt him but I had to push him away because I don’t think I can stand to be hurt anymore.’ Do you understand Michael?”

I downed the rest of my drink.

“Let me see if I can sort things out Gloria; I’ll stay in touch.”

She seemed so small huddled down in her wheelchair when I came into the living room.

“I’ve talked to Gloria.”

“Oh, when is she coming for me?”

I knelt down beside her chair.

“Nancy, I’m only going to be a cross dresser maybe five percent of the time but during that time I want to be very good at it. The rest of the time I’ll be Michael. You are not a cripple. You have your brain and the ability to use it. You have your beauty, your sensitivity and gentleness. That to me does not define a cripple. Now, I have three questions for you. What would you like Marie to wear while she makes our dinner? Would you help her with her makeup? Will you make sure she is ready to visit Dr. West next week?”

The light came back in her eyes.

“I have question for you Michael. Can we have a nice stiff drink together before we start again?”

We did.

Marie ‘came out’ beautifully even if I do say so myself. Full of confidence in a navy blue power suit, 3” chunky heels, hair and makeup just so, even the voice she used to announce herself to the receptionist was just a touch husky.

Michael moved back to his home and Marie visited Nancy for just a week or so each month but Michael visited a bit more often. Then, two months later, Nancy announced it was time for her to return to the west coast and they went out for dinner.

“Nancy. The first time I dressed I asked Mary to help make life bearable for me and I believe she has. Everything that happened after that led up to me meeting you. It is just too much of a coincidence not to have been meant to happen.”

I’d like to tell you that Nancy agreed!

I’d like to tell you that we got married and lived happily as Michael and Nancy.

I’d like to tell you that, every once in a while, Marie comes to visit but just for fun.

And I can because that’s what did happen!

Oh, and at our wedding, I saw Gloria and Lianne giving each other a big high five.

We had been set up!

The End!

With thanks to Kristinals who helped me ‘close the loop’ and get the story finished after going around in circles for weeks.