Under Heaven, Over Hell-2

-by Lynceus

Anson begins to adjust to his/her new life as Ann, and resolve the feelings she has for not only Elisa and Celene, but her wayward parent, the Angel Raziel. Raziel explains more about the nature of the universe, including magic...and reveals a secret about the past.

Act Four: Axis Mundi

In the end, I decided on a website. A mysterious email sent after my death would be too creepy. Luckily, my parent (I mean, what do I call her? Dad?) had a book on html laying around, so I got familiar with the concept of web design.

I had to get Raziel to pay for it, but after looking at my proposed site, she just smiled and gave me a hug. Very strange person, Raziel.

So now I was sitting in front of the computer, trying to think. Raziel was in the other room, playing Persona 4 while listening to Philip Glass. Did I mention how odd she was? Still, something about 'Metamorphosis' stirred emotions deep within me.

The website had jpeg images of Celene and Elisa, and I was composing a poem, trying to describe how I felt about them. As I wrote, I discovered a lot more about myself in the process. Finally, I had to walk away for a minute.

I walked into the living room and sat down on the couch. I was slowly getting used to this new body of mine. Or was I simply becoming resigned to my fate? There were so many annoying little things. Not being able to reach the top shelf. Feet not touching the floor when I sat down. Seeing that adorable face in the mirror. And at the top of the list, female biology.

At least I was spared the worst of it, but it's not easy getting used to a vagina when you've never had one before! Raziel eventually noticed my presence, and saved her game. “Hey kiddo, you don't look so hot.”

“I'm thinking that website was a bad idea. The more I write, the more I realize I've lost. And why.”

She got up and sat down next to me, placing an arm around my shoulders. In spite of my mixed feelings about Raziel, I found myself leaning against her. “Anson, I'm sorry. I really am. You deserve a real parent. I...I know I'm not very good at this. I wish I was. I wish your mother had lived. Because you really could use her right now. She had this way of making people feel better about their lives that was truly special. I never really got along with my brother Elohim; I mean, I was pretty much the nerd Angel.”

I smiled a little at that.

“Anyways...she was the first being in all of Creation that I felt like I could actually talk to. Sometimes, late at night, I'd get into the really out-there metaphysical stuff, and when she got confused, her mind didn't shut down. She asked questions! See, Angels, we don't often ask questions. We were created with all the knowledge we would ever really need, or so we thought, and to us, the universe functioned and that was great. But Man, oh humans were something else again. Every moment of your lives, you're questioning something. Wondering why things are the way they are. And sometimes, you even come up with the right answers!”

“You make it sound like we're all a bunch of backwards savages.”

She nodded. “In a way, you are. That's the beauty of it. For the longest time, the greatest achievements of Man were, at best, interesting diversions. But the more I studied Man, the more I realized something interesting was going on here. You questioned, you observed, and you came up with ideas. Sometimes good, often bad. But slowly, you were figuring out how the universe worked. And then you started coming up with some really impressive ideas, things that never occurred to me; and remember, I'm one of the smartest things in the universe!”

“You know, that's hard to believe sometimes.”

She grinned at me. “Well, it depends on how you rate intellect. I'm only a little smarter than the smartest humans, when you get right down to it. The difference isn't in how intelligent I am, but in how much knowledge I have. Think of it like this; we're both steering boats across the lake. My engine is a little faster than yours, but my lake is deeper than yours. Quite a lot deeper, in fact.”

“Huh. So where do I fit in? I mean, I'm part Angel, right?”

She shrugged. “I honestly don't know. Not every mating of human and Angel results in a Nephilim, sometimes the traits are recessive. Uh, think Greek Mythology. Zeus had a lot of kids, right? But not all of them had special powers. At one end of the scale, you have Hercules, so strong that he earned a place among the Gods. But on the other end, you have Perseus, who only had his wits and a few magical artifacts to work with. Now, personally, I believe you have access to all the Angelic gifts. And, in fact, due to Lucifer sharing some of his..ah...her power with you, you're quite a bit stronger than you should be. Your problem is that, where an Angel is created knowing how to use all of his powers, it's not intuitive for you. You lack control and understanding.”

“That explains why you're a lousy teacher, I guess.” I paused. “Sorry, you don't deserve that. You're trying, it's just...I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water.”

“I know. But I do want to help you. Especially since the situation you're in is kind of my fault. I mean, I gave you up to foster parents, good people, mind you, but not really able to prepare you for this stage of your life. Then I killed you.” She looked away.

Before, Raziel had been kind of flip about the whole killing me thing, at least, to my point of view. But I could tell it really bothered her. “Hey. I'm not mad about that anymore. You didn't know. I mean, if someone killed my kid and brought them back as a zombie or something, I'd be pretty upset too.”

“Thank you, Anson. But I know you're still mad about me putting you in that body.”

I frowned. “Yeah. I am, but not for the reasons I thought. I'm more annoyed at this point. But you know, it's weird. I thought I would be a lot more freaked out by seeing someone else's face in the mirror. Where's the identity crisis? And then I realized, there was no identity crisis, because I didn't really know who I was to begin with. All my life, it's been more about other people. Making my foster parents proud of me. Helping others. Protecting others.”

I shook my head. “But who is Anson, really? And the truth is...I don't know! Which is why I don't get why the girls like me so much. Why anyone does, really. I don't have a personality of my own! I mean, unless 'nice guy' counts.”

“You do have a personality, Anson. I've seen it. You care about people, yes. To a fault, really. If someone were to aim a gun at me, you'd jump in front of me. Even though I'm more likely to survive than you are. Why? Because you'd want to spare me the pain. To your mind, it would be better if you suffered, so that I wouldn't have to. And while that's heroic, even admirable, it's not a good thing either. You need to be a hero. A protector. But you also want to be punished. That's why you went to Hell, after all.”

“But why? Why do I feel so guilty?”

“I don't know. I really don't. But I'm sure you've figured out the problem with jumping in front of bullets.”

“Uh, I get killed?”

She laughed and ruffled my hair. “Besides that!”

I nodded. “Yeah. Believe me, the funeral spelled it out for me. If I get hurt, the people I care about get hurt anyways.”

“Yes, that's right.”

“I think that's why I never acknowledged my feelings for the girls. Because I have them. I think I always have. I thought if I chose one of them, the other would get hurt.”

“So you chose to simply be their friend. But that hurt them also.”

I nodded. “Yes, so I need to make them understand why I was afraid. That I did care. And that I didn't want to destroy the love we all had for each other.”

Raziel got that look she did when she was about to say something perverted, so I held up a hand. “I swear, if the word 'threesome' comes out of your mouth, I'll kill you in your sleep.”

She laughed, and after a moment, I did too.

-

In the end, this is what I wrote:

I still remember the first day I met you both. You were so different, and yet, I could feel a connection between us. My life changed forever. I wanted nothing more than to be close to you both, to be your friends forever. But as time went by, my feelings grew stronger, and I realized, this must be love.

But how could I love one and not the other? The truth is, I loved you both, just as you loved one another. And I was afraid that to choose one, would cost us both the other. I couldn't risk that, and so I took the coward's choice; I simply remained your friend, even as you both wished our love could go further.

I hope that one day I'll learn to be strong, and share with you my heart. Because you deserve the truth, no matter what happens as a result. And that truth is this:

I love you both more than anything, and I'd do anything to be with you always.

“God, this is so sappy.” I clicked the mouse and submitted the page, and went to bed.

-

I had another strange dream. I recognized the cemetary, as I was looking down on it from above. A teen girl with reddish-blonde hair was facing off against what looked like...werewolves? Well no, more like were-dogs, actually. At least, they resembled your common mutt, except stretched out and twisted into a humanoid shape. And their eyes burned with hellish fire.

The girl, however, was a total badass. She was using a variation Sensei Kyle's techniques, I realized, but at a level far more advanced than mine. Hell, I doubt even Dan would be able to take her on! She didn't so much as dodge, as she seemed to dance, evading her opponents with such precision it looked choreographed.

Not a single wasted movement, either. I think I was in love! One of the were-things kicked a tombstone at her. Time seemed to slow down as she moved her head to the side, and I could actually read the writing on it.

Anson Carter. Beloved Son.

What the hell?! That was my tombstone!

The girl seemed a little annoyed about it as well, and she leaped forward, turning in mid-air to deliver a powerful spin kick to the were's chest, which sent him flying back. She landed slowly, as if she only had a passing acquaintance with gravity. Ok, so much for no wasted movements, but damn, that was cool!

She darted to the right, sprinting much faster than any human could. There was something eerily familiar about her, but I couldn't put my finger on it. She skidded to a halt as a robed figure with skeletal wings came into view, perching on top of another tombsone.

Karen Rose. Beloved Eternally.

Wait, what?

The girl hissed. “How dare you...get away from her!”

“Now now. I thought I would creep down into the ground, and slip into her old bones. Do you think your father would still find her beautiful?”

The girl's body shook with rage. She rose off the ground, and six wings, burning with flame, sprouted from her back. Holy shit!

The demon-thing, or whatever it was, seemed to have the same opinion. “No, it cannot be! You're nothing, a pathetic half-breed!”

“Give my regards to Luci when you get to Hell. If she lets you live that long. Calz Vonpho Sobra Z-Ol Ror I Ta Nazps!” There was a flash of light, and to my amazement, the demon's body fell apart, cut in twain, the remains burning.

The girl turned and faced the dog-demons. “Ta Nobloh Zien Soba Thil Gnonp Prge!” She thrust her hands forward, reminding me of Ken or Ryu throwing a Ha-Do-Ken in Street Fighter, and sure enough, a sphere of incandescent flame surged forward, and the demons burned to ash.

Her wings faded, leaving tiny embers floating upwards, and I saw the back of her shirt was totally burned away. She fell to her knees, sobbing. I wanted to reach out and comfort her but then...

-

I woke up to find Raziel standing over me, looking concerned. “Anson? Are you alright?”

“s'ann now, isn't it?” I mumbled.

She brushed a stray bit of hair out of my eyes. “Well, in public, yes.”

“Yeah...” I frowned.

“Hey, don't look like that. If you want me to call you Ann, I will.”

“I...no it's not that. I had another stupid dream. Hey, does Calz Vonpho Sobra...”

Raziel's eyes got big and wide, and she put a hand over my mouth. “Woah! Hold up, where did you hear that?!”

I mumbled something, and she took her hand off my mouth, looking sheepish. “Ah, sorry about that, go on.”

“It was in my dream. Some girl said these words, and cut a demon in half or something.”

“It means, 'The Firmament of Wrath, In Whose Hands, The Sun is as a sword'. Referring to God, of course.”

“What language is that?”

She sighed. “Enochian is what humans call it. You see, magic was never meant to be wielded by humans. It goes back to what I was trying to say before, about humans ability to question things, and apply Reason.”

She sat on the edge of my bed. “As you may recall, we weren't very impressed by humans at first. Oh eventually you got up to some rather nifty things, but it was still nothing we couldn't easily replicate with our powers. And then you split the atom, unleashing the very Fires of Creation.”

She shook her head. “No Angel would have even conceived of doing such a thing. It's a pure act of destruction, plain and simple. The others were confused, but that's when I started to grasp God's intention for humanity. If you don't destroy yourselves, that is.”

“Uh, wait, weren't you just talking about magic?”

She ruffled my hair. “Sorry, I do tend to jump around a bit. Think of the universe as a complex computer program. God wrote it, and he gave Angels the Keys that...well, let me simplify things. Warren Ellis, a comic book writer, once compared magic to cheat codes in a computer game. And you know what? He's very close to the truth. God wrote cheats into the source code of Creation. Ways to warp or violate things.”

“Woah, so those words, are a cheat code?”

“Sort of, yes. You input the commands, and you're allowed to temporarily do things the game engine wouldn't normally allow. Now, Angels know what they're doing, we were made to. Some time ago, in human prehistory, some of my brothers went down to Earth and, among other things, shared Magic and Astronomy, and other things with humans. This is why the early civilizations had such advanced knowledge, you were given a head start. God wasn't too pleased about it.”

“And magic?”

“Well, there are two problems with magic. The main problem is, you're hacking the source code. If you don't know what you're doing, you can cause all kinds of problems. System stability is lost, or it could crash, or you get a result you didn't want.”

“Woah, woah, woah!” I sat up. “Reality can blue-screen?”

Raziel chuckled. “Yes, yes it can. Not everywhere, mind you, but yes, a bad command could make the local reality around you freeze up. Forcing a soft reboot, if you will. This can cause all kinds of minor havoc, as you can imagine. So obviously, humans weren't meant to have that power.”

“Huh. What's the other problem?”

“You can become too much like God.”

“Uh...”

She held up one finger. “Let me think...ok. This is just my theory, mind you, but I think I'm on the right track. Humans were designed to think like God. When God came into existence, He had all the same kinds of questions you lot have. What is this? How does it work?”

She licked her lips idly. “The problem was, when He asks a question, he gets the answer. Instantly. So it wasn't long before He was able to create the universe and all that. And then He created us. You know, to do the little stuff. Clean house, take out the trash, and so on.”

“Wow. How glamorous.”

Raziel chuckled. “Well He had some deep thinking to do. It wasn't long before He became lonely. But we were poor company, we didn't ask questions, for the reasons I mentioned. He wanted to talk with a mind that was like His own. But even He couldn't create another God. Or so I assume.”

“So what, he made humans...wait, I think I get it. We asked the questions, but we had to do things the hard way. Trial and error.”

“But eventually, you'd end up on a level close to His own. With a complete understanding of how the universe works. The problem is, if you can just hack the universe, you don't need to really question anything. Why figure things out, when you can just do it with magic? Even worse, you really can't figure out how things work. Ok, drop an apple, it falls. Then some jerk comes by and says a few words, and it floats up into the air. You'd never figure out how gravity works!”

“But that's not how it happened. I mean, most people don't even believe in magic.” I suddenly thought about Celene, who did believe.

“It's not a bug, it's a feature.”

I blinked. “What?”

She grinned. “Humans are supposed to rely on Reason. You're built that way. So it's a rare mind that can really wrap itself around the concept of magic, and do anything with it. You can do everything right, but if, at some level, your brain is saying 'oh come now, this magic stuff is just plain silly', it'll never work.”

“So those words are, the commands for the universe program?”

“Pretty much, yes. Humans, being an inventive lot, have figured out other ways to meddle with things, but Enochian is one of the better ones. Mostly because it's a very close approximation to the language of the Elohim. So the universe recognizes it. God actually tried to stamp out the knowledge a few times, He felt it was too much of a temptation, but by the time Dr. John Dee got his paws on it, God had long since stopped micro-managing His Creation.”

“So wait, anything I say in Angelic, it happens?”

“Heavens no, dear boy! Let's assume the Creator isn't dumb, shall we? Only He has that level of access. But there are a lot of things you can do.”

“So you're going to teach me magic?”

She frowned. “I..I'll have to think about it. I need to get ready for school.” She got up and walked out of the room quickly. I got up as well and followed her.

“Raziel.” She didn't pause.

“Dad! Stop, please!” She froze and turned.

“...Dad?”

“Well, that's what you are, right?” I looked up at her. Angel's can't cry, but I could tell when they were upset. And Raziel...my Father...was very upset.

“Oh Ann...it's just...” She wrung her hands uselessly.

I hugged her. “I'm sorry. If it hurts that much, you don't have to. But I'm here for you, ok Dad?”

“I..I didn't think you'd ever acknowledge me.”

“Hey, didn't we have this discussion? I don't hate you.”

She ran her fingers through my hair. “I know..but I didn't think you loved me.”

“Well, I used to have a crush on you...”

“Silly girl. You know what I mean.” She called me a girl. Oddly, that didn't bother me so much.

“Tell me what's wrong.”

“Come with me, and I'll explain on the way to school.”

-

For reasons I won't get into now, I found myself at odds with my brothers in Heaven. Something wasn't right, and I'll just say; I wasn't the only one who went rogue. The orders we were getting from Sandalphon and the Metatron, the highest-ranked Angels, were confusing. God had been silent for a long time, and now, he was giving commands that made no sense.

God doesn't speak to us directly, he hands down his commands through our captains. At any rate, I came to Earth looking for Tabris, the Angel of Free Will. I'll talk more about Tabris later, all that matter now is, he's important, and I knew he was living among humans.

I'd trailed him to the College here. And there, the trail ended. That he was somewhere on campus, I was certain of, but he could be a student, faculty member, even a lowly custodian. It was a long shot, but I enrolled as a student, hoping that if I waited long enough, he'd show himself.

Just because I am the Angel of Knowledge doesn't mean I know everything; human knowledge expands every day. And more and more, humans are reaching into areas that Angels quite literally, fear to tread. Like genetics, for example. The whole concept of modifying what God created shakes me to very core. However, unlike my brothers, I am also fascinated by it.

Well, anyways, you get the idea. Taking classes was not nearly as boring for me as you might think. I drove my guidance counselor up the wall however, as I was constantly changing majors. Once I learned everything I cared to about a subject, I was quick to move to a new thing. I wasn't bored, but I didn't want to become bored either. It meant I wasn't going to graduate any time soon, but that wasn't really the point.

I mean, what was I going to do with a degree anyways?

Everything changed when I met Karen Rose. She wasn't the prettiest girl on campus, but she was brilliant, and as I said before, I found her questions fascinating. We met in Professor Clay's Anthropology class; I'd taken it as a lark, since a lot of what the Professor was discussing, I was present for. It amused me to see how much humans got wrong about their past.

Although, the Professor did surprise me more than once with his insight, but that's neither her nor there. Karen soon became the entire reason I was there. We became study partners, and then friends. We'd have long talks into the night. I think I finally realized I was in love with her the night she told me she didn't believe in God.

I can see the look on your face; but she had a very logical argument. I won't go into it at length now, but the core of her argument revolved around the contradiction of a benevolent deity who was also unknowable. Man has questions, but God gives no answers. All humans are told is, to have faith.

Faith must have a foundation, you cannot trust something that refuses to let itself be known. Would you trust a bridge if you couldn't see it? Of course not, even if you could feel it, you'd move cautiously, constantly wondering if you were about to step into a chasm.

Even a voice saying “if you fall, I will catch you” might engender some trust, but you are given nothing! So, her conclusion was simple; if God was unknowable, he could not be benevolent. And if he isn't benevolent, then there's no reason to believe in Him at all, save out of fear.

And your mother, Ann, was a very brave woman. I personally saw her stand up to a man who towered over her by at least a foot, and never give an inch of ground. Needless to say, I was fascinated, and I soon forgot all about Tabris. I started to think that this human girl was onto something; the answers I had longed for. The reason for it all.

I was content to simply be near her, but she had other plans. As I found out, the night she kissed me, but...that's another story. More than once, I had to use my powers near her for various reasons. I thought I'd been careful, but Karen was very observant.

Finally she confronted me, and basically told me that if I didn't tell her the truth about me, then there would be no future for us. I...couldn't bear the thought of a life without her. So I told her the truth. I admit, I did take a bit of pleasure out of her reaction that God was real. But of course, that simply raised more questions.

Like you, she asked me to teach her magic, and I...I did. I became her mentor in all things metaphysical, as she became mine in all things physical. Ahem. I had stressed upon her the importance of not using magic lightly, and the consequences. But when she..

-

I blinked. Raziel had parked the car, and simply stopped talking. “Dad?”

She shook. “Ann..this hurts so badly. I miss her so much. Can you imagine it? God was the center of my existence. For eons. And somehow, she had managed to displace my Creator. She became everything to me. I was no longer an Angel, but something else. For the love of a human.”

I reached over and took Raziel's hand, squeezing it. “Let it out, Dad.”

She nodded. “When your mother became pregnant, I became very worried. A Nephilim hadn't been born in a long time, to my knowledge. And your kind, they were never supposed to exist in the first place, so...there was a chance that your mother could miscarry, or that carrying you to term could cause her great harm. Or that you might not even resemble a human...not all Angels are human in appearance you understand. I tried to explain the dangers to her, but she...she was so stubborn. 'I am going to have our child', she said.”

Raziel took a deep breath and let it out. “I could refuse her nothing. But there were complications. And you were about two weeks due when your mother collapsed. I rushed her to the hospital. I didn't need the doctors to tell me what the problem was, however. She was bleeding internally. She..she made me tell her the truth. That you were going to die, and unless they terminated the pregnancy, she would die as well.”

“...no...she didn't...”

Raziel nodded. “Yes. 'I will have this child, Ray'. That's what she...called me. 'Don't you see? This is the ultimate expression of my love for you, to give the world a child that is both of us. A child who has grown in my body! Ray, I taught you love, but you can never understand this, a Mother's love. You know what must be done.' But damn me...I couldn't.”

Raziel slammed her fist against the steering wheel. I heard something crack. “So she did. Noqod Zamran Micalzo Od Ozam Vrelp Lap Zir Io-Iad. Thy servants, show yourselves in power and make me strong. A strong seer of things, for I am of Him that liveth forever.”

“So Mom...used magic to make me live.”

Raziel nodded. “And sacrificed herself. Now you know. Why I fear teaching you this. Because you are her son. Because I know you will one day do the same thing, to give up your life to save another's. And I...I don't know that I could lose you, too.”

I cried then, and we clung to each other. I understood, now, why Raziel couldn't raise me herself. Even now, I reminded her of Mom. Of the pain of losing her. Finally, when I could cry no more, I looked at my parent. “Father. It wasn't your fault.”

“Wasn't it?”

I shook my head. “No. It wasn't your fault. She made her choice. Isn't that what it's all about? The ability of humans to make choices? She knew the risks, she knew that she would hurt you. But she would rather be dead, than to lose something she loved. You...or I. I just wish I...”

“Shh, Ann. I know. I'm a poor replacement for her. Especially since I left you alone for so long.”

“But Father, I get it. I know why you couldn't bear to be near me. The pain was so great for you. But you watched over me anyways. You were never far from me, were you? It wasn't your fault...but if you need forgiveness, then...I forgive you.”

Dad ended up being very late for class. But I don't think he cared one bit. We had finally become a family.

To be continued...