Whispers

Part Twelve, The End
by Michelle Wilder

Mighty oaks from tiny acorns grow

(Reposted with grammatical revision.)

-----

It was the first normal morning in almost a week, except Dennis asked me if I was going to wear any of my new stuff and I said of course not, and he said why not?

“Because they’re girl’s clothes and everyone will laugh at me!”

“Nobody laughed last night, and I wouldn’t laugh at you, or tell you you should do anything that people would laugh at.” He looked really serious.

“But...”

“And you look great in all of it, and besides, aren’t you going to see Ben first thing this morning? I bet he’d like to see you in it, don’t you?”

“But...”

He smiled really nice at me.

“And if you don’t want to, it’s okay, but if you *do* want to, I’ll make sure nobody bugs you and even walk over to your appointment with you and then meet you for lunch before English?” He looked like he really wanted me to.

“How can you make sure no one bugs me?” I didn’t sound very sure, I’m sure.

“I’ll make everyone on our floor watch out for you and tell them they’re authorized to kill.” He said it all matter-of-fact, like everyone was a bodyguard or spy or something, and didn’t even smile until I did.

-

He looked at all my new tops again with me and said the white top and the tan sweater with the big white diamond pattern on the front was really, really nice and wouldn’t attract attention it was so casual, but what did he know, he was a boy.

But he thought, speaking *as* a boy, that I'd look pretty in them.

He didn’t try and make me wear the skirt, either, but he said I could if I wanted to, too, and it'd be the same. But I never could.

Then he left me to go see Jarrod and Anne he said, to get them to tell everyone that I needed to have them watch out for me.

I almost put it all away and got out a regular guy shirt, I was getting so nervous, but I was still in my nightie and suddenly I thought, if I did, if I wore my new clothes today, I’d get to wear girl’s stuff all day. I mean, for the first time ever, ever, all day.

I sat down on my bed and just thought.

The more I looked down at my nightie, the more I wanted to try. And maybe even if someone laughed at me it would still be sorta worth it, if I could?

Someone knocked at the door and I... it wouldn’t have been Dennis... and then I thought it might've still been, if he thought I might be changing, so I said “It’s okay! Come in...”

The door opened a bit and instead it was Anne.

“Morning, Bobby! Hey, aren’t you getting dressed?”

She opened the door more and slipped in and closed it.

“Is something wrong?”

She sounded worried and I didn’t know what to say.

I mean, I knew I was scared, but that didn’t seem wrong, because it *was* scary to think about going outside like I wanted to, and I *could* just... *not* do it... and it wouldn’t be scary anymore, but somehow it all seemed too important not to...

I was thinking in circles. Good circles. Scary ones.

And every time, they seemed a bit less...

I mean, for the first time ever, I *could*... I mean, what Dennis said... and I COULD! I really could.

I didn’t want to say all that, but I looked at her and tried to not sound all scared and still tell her, somehow, that I really did want to do it, and if she could help, but I didn’t know what she could do, even?

What I did was almost strech out my new sweater, I held it so hard.

“I’m scared.”

And I didn’t want to say that part.

She sat down and put her arm around me the exact same way Dennis did, but smaller, and smiled at me really big.

“Is that what you’re gonna wear today?”

I guess I nodded or something. Like she'd heard the other part instead.

“With the white shirt?” She looked over at it and I did nod.

“That’ll look really nice. Are you gonna wear jeans or a skirt or nicer pants?”

I knew the skirt looked really nice with the sweater, or at least in the store, on hangers, but I was way too scared to wear it. I hadn't even been able to try it on....

But I hadn't even considered wearing it, really, before she said that, even when Dennis...

And I had a pair of jeans and a pair of loose white pants. They were way looser than usual pants and they’d look stupid with the tan sweater. But I had a green hoodie sweater too. But they'd look wrong with any sweater... they needed a nice shirt...

-

Anne made me go and shower. She was dressed when I got back and she said the green sweater went perfect with my new jeans and the tighter white button shirt and I shouldn’t zip it up (the sweater) except maybe the middle (it zipped both ways) and it looked great that way and I should leave the shirt untucked and she ran out and brought back a pair of flats and long green socks she borrowed from Crystal that looked really nice and she said I could keep them, the socks, which were kinda the same as knee-high nylons, but heavier.

Crystal said I could have them. The socks.

But she wanted her shoes back.

I couldn’t see what it all looked like in our mirror, but Anne said it looked really nice and all I needed to do was dry my hair nice, and we went back to her room and she called Patty and she did it with Anne's blow dryer and made it way nicer than I ever got it at home when I tried and she spritzed it and said all I had to do was not touch it too much and *don’t* finger-comb it.

Patty said all she really did was part it totally different and make it fuller and put some of it in long bangs, more foreward. And said I should get it cut better. Soon.

-

When I came out Dennis was waiting in the hall where the boys’ and girls’ wings met and there were like a *hundred* people there, practically our whole hall, and they *all* turned and looked at me.

I froze, and Anne bumped into me and then Patty pushed us both, and then Dennis stood up more, like taller, and smiled at me like he was going to burst and I suddenly felt like it wasn’t scary at all. Or like all those guys weren't there...

Or, even if it *was* scary, it didn't matter.

-

So a lot of us walked to breakfast together, almost all the girls and about half a dozen of the boys from the floor, and I was nervous as I could be and a few of the guys even teased me a bit, but it was more like about my having new clothes and not looking like a geek like usual... but not about me? And Dennis walked holding my hand, and he laughed at them and said some of them were just jealous.

-

Their teasing made me feel *better*, somehow, so I guess they weren’t really teasing at all. And, like, Murray had driven some of us to the hospital, I remembered, and I thanked him.

I smiled when he said he was glad I was better. I was.

-

When I got to the cashier, it was the same lady from the last week and she smiled like she usually did and I got scared, and then as she gave me my card back she smiled even more and said, “You look very nice today, dear!”

I’m sure I got red, but Anne bumpped me and told me to get a move on! and it made everything start again and seem normal and I thanked her (the lady) and I tried to smile and not spill everything.

-

We took up all of two long tables. So there were sixteen of us.

Dennis sat on the other side of the table, and Ann and Patty sat either side me and right away started asking me what I was going to do next?

They thought I should wear makeup and stuff and wanted to show me how, and other stuff, and I was trying to figure out what I thought, or should say anyway... and even if I'd ever even told them..?

And it wasn't a bad thing that they were... that they knew.

Dennis was looking at me like he does, and smiling like I was funny.

“What?” He acted like I was looking at him funny instead.

I had to think so I didn’t just say “What what?”

“How come you’re looking at me funny?”

He looked like he wasn’t, and like I was making it up.

“I was just looking at my pretty roomate...”

He grinned like it was a big joke and it felt just like the teasing in the hall, and I smiled back, because it *did* make me feel better.

“Oh, HO!” Patty shoulder-checked me and made a short laugh. Anne leaned in the other way and they squished me and laughed even more.

Just then, Jarrod came up then and pulled up a chair to the very end of the table and smiled at all of us and really smiled at me.

“Wow! Do you ever look nice today, Bobby!”

I mumbled thank you and ducked and then had to smile at him a real thanks.

He looked at Patty and Anne too, and I guess they didn’t want to act silly with him looking, or Patty didn’t, anyway, because she sat up. Anne kept leaning on me and laughing and stuff.

”Ahem.”

Everyone looked at Dennis, ‘cause it sounded stupid, but he didn’t look that way. He looked at everyone at both tables.

“Like I said upstairs, I... I mean, could everyone look out for Bobby today, between classes, and in class, I guess, just in case anyone bugs her?”

Patty and Anne squished me again, or hugged me in a squish, anyway.

-

Dennis and Beverly, the only girl on the floor taller than me, walked with me over to the counselors’ offices.

I had a list of where and when everyone was going to meet me, at least in most classes, and in English and Psych Dennis was with me, and in Bio and Calculus there wasn’t anyone, but Lori was in Bio, and I told them about her.

Intro Calc classes were really small and all over the campus and there were tons of different TAs, so I had to walk over to that class by myself and just stay where there were lots of people.

The only thing wrong was that the more everyone talked about it, the more nervous I got, thinking what could happen, or that people would make fun of me because I knew that that’s what *they* were afraid of. And I was terrified of.

So I wasn't really part of whatever Dennis and Beverly were talking about...

“Hey! Bobby!”

It was Lori, the lady from Bio. She was walking over and smiling at me and kinda packing papers and stuff in her backpack while she walked and it was all getting all wrinkled. She dropped a page in a puddle too and just wiped it on her pack and shoved it in.

“Hiya, kiddo! Glad I ran into you!”

She was smiling way different than when we were in the lab, like then she was a grown-up and I was a little kid, and now like I was a friend.

“Who’re your friends? I’m Lori, Bob’s lab partner in Bio.” She looked back and forth at us.

“Hi, Lori. This is Dennis, he’s my roomie, and Beverly, she’s on our floor. And I like Bobby better?”

I was going to introduce her to them when I remembered she just did, and that all I knew was her name anyway.

She kinda turned our way and we all started walking again.

“Beautiful day, hunh? Have you looked at the lab for this Thursday yet?”

I figured she must've meant me. And she sounded like it was about something less-than good.

“Um, no... I’ve been really busy... is it hard?”

"Oh, yeah..." She smiled and nodded. So it was, but it wasn’t too bad.

“I just glanced through it so far myself, but yeah, it looks hard. Prob’ly an hour just to set up and two to get results, and maybe three or so to write up.”

She still smiled like it wasn’t really bad, even twice as long as the lab was supposed to be.

“So we both better have it read ahead of time and figured it out or we’ll never get finished in time. And unless we get together and split the write-up work it’ll take forever to do that too.

“Soooo... Angela, Connie and I are getting together right after the lab to do the results and write-ups and they invited you too. We’re over in Sigma Phi house on the Crescent. Interested?”

There were about two dozen rooming houses and frats and stuff on Alumni Crescent. And sororities too, I guessed. It wasn't far.

Beverly leaned over and asked what class it was? She made a face when Lori said.

“I took that with Benson last year and only barely managed a B. You have to really put in the hours. He didn’t even care how hard the labs were. You really should hook up with them.”

-

We arranged that I'd meet Lori an hour before the lab, to prepare, and she’d come by the rez about six-thirty after the lab and we’d walk over to the sorority house.

She waved bye until Thursday after I promised to read the lab. Twice.

Beverly said, “She seems nice. How’d you end up as lab partners?”

Dennis laughed at her. “What, like she wouldn’t rate a nice lab partner?”

Beveley laughed too, but I was kinda thinking too hard, I guess.

-

Ben was ready when we got there a bit early and Dennis had to go, but Bev said she’d wait for me and do some reading.

Dennis gave me a big hug and even kissed my hair when he left, and totally enbarrassed me in front of Ben.

-

“You look very nice.”

As soon as we sat down in his office Ben said that.

I looked down at myself, at my sweater, mostly, I guess. I liked it in the store and it was the only thing that I asked Mom to get me especially. She picked out everything else.

“Thank you.” I kept looking down.

“Did you do your own hair?”

He was smiling when I looked up again and I’d forgotten that Anne and Patty did my hair different and was kind of embarrassed that I thought it was the clothes he was noticing.

“No, Anne, this girl... the proctor on my floor? and her friend Patty did it for me this morning.” I thought that I had to tell him how much Anne really helped.

“Anne said I should wear this sweater, too.”

“Is it hers? It really suits you.” He looked really interested and I relaxed a bit.

“No... I went shopping with my mother yesterday and we bought some stuff, and I picked this out myself... and these jeans... and kinda white khaki pants? and Anne loaned me these shoes to go with the jeans, or I think they’re Crystal’s...”

I ran down after that. Except then I remembered.

“And Dad bought me these beautiful diamond studs but I don’t have my ears pierced yet but I’m going to get them done for free ‘cause it comes with the earings. They’re really beautiful...” I looked at my sweater again and played with the bottom zipper pull.

“He bought me some books too...”

-

We ended up talking for almost an hour about Dad and Dennis, instead of me. About Gary too, and Barry.

He wouldn’t say, or didn’t, anyway, but I thought he thought I was gay, and that was why. Which made talking about Dad really... wrong. I didn’t tell him that, when I thought of it.

Near the end we talked about how I was feeling inside, about cutting and depression, and all the weekend stuff, too. But Ben thought I was going to be okay, he said.

And I had to see him the next day, again.

He said the weekend and all last week were really serious, but I knew that.

He said I was doing really well, too.

-

Beverly was still waiting in the main room when I finished and she walked with me as far as the other side of the quad and then she had to go over to the Arts Complex and I had to head to Calc in the portables and she said bye and be careful and gave me a little hug.

-

As soon as I turned to walk, and couldn’t see anyone I knew, I got cold.

Frozen cold.

I just stood there and couldn’t walk, or move, even.

I shook, like shivering, and thought I could go back to the room, or not move, or if there was a bench I could sit down...

“Bobby?”

Beverly was beside me and touched my arm and I looked at her and didn’t know if I should say anything, but then I really started to shake for a second.

I grabbed at her arm and was almost crying, I was so relieved... but I didn’t know why.

It was only like thirty seconds she was gone. Less.

-

Beverly took me back up to counseling and said it was okay if she blew off a class or two. I didn't say anything. I was trying to figure out what happened.

We had to wait about ten minutes. I had a hundred thoughts.

-

Ben looked like he was mad at me or something, but I don’t think I can really tell what he thinks most of the time.

He said he was going to call another counselor in if it was okay with me? and I nodded, but I really didn’t want to. But he said he really had to.

Ms Harbison, Rachel, she said, came in just a few minutes after, and I wasn’t really very polite, I guess. She sat down on the little couch beside me.

“Bobby?”

I was still scared at what happened. If Beverly hadn’t looked at me before she went in the Tucker Building... I don’t know what.

“Bobby?”

She was a bit louder and I moved and looked at her. “Are you okay? Do you need medical help?”

I looked again when she said that and she was really worried, and I woke up, or stopped thinking so hard, I guess. Ben was worried-looking too.

“I’m sorry. What?” I knew what.

“Sorry. I mean, no. I’m okay, I think. I was just thinking.” I knew that sounded stupid, but it was right.

”I think I almost had a panic attack.” I said it at Ben, like it was a normal thing, or that he would understand.

“Right now? Here?”

I guess not.

“No, I mean outside, when I was alone, I think I was almost like... Saturday, like I could feel getting that scared...” I got quieter.

“But?” He was quiet too.

“I didn’t, when Bev came back. I was scared, but I didn’t.” I shivered a bit at how it felt, though.

Ms Harbison leaned over or something.

“Bobby?” She was looking at my eyes. I nodded what?

“Do you need to do anything?”

“I...” Anything? I looked at Ben and he was waiting too and I looked back at Ms Harbison and I knew Beverly was waiting outside.

“I...”

I started to cry, even if I didn’t know why. Ms Harbison gave me a hankie and I wiped my eyes and nose, but I was just crying.

"A man... a man followed me when I was alone, at the mall and he... touched me... and then... "

I didn't say it very clearly, but they understood.

-

It took a long time.

-

They thought I wanted to go home back to Mom and Dad, but I meant home with Dennis, and they thought I needed to go in the hospital, like I was at risk, but I was just scared by my memories and hadn’t even thought of that.

Like the memories weren't *real*, like thoughts... anymore?

And they thought it was because of my new clothes, or because I was doing things too fast.

But after we talked, I was sure it was because I was alone. Because It felt like after the first time I ran away and was alone, and he followed me.

Because it felt just like that, for some reason. But, really, it *wasn't* like that at all.

-

Even after all the explaining what I thought and what it felt like, they were still scared for me.

“Can I ask a really important question?” Ben sounded like it was a bad one, but I nodded.

He thought for a few more seconds.

“What are you're most afraid of? Right now?”

He leaned way over towards me, like as close as he could, like if he wasn’t in another chair our knees would be almost touching. Ms Harbison was really still.

I thought for a long time. It was a hard question. Not like scary in a movie... or accidents...

It was something the man had said. And Carol.

It was like a little bit of the cold I'd just felt outside.

“When..."

A memory

Right then

"If Mom, or Dad... or Carol...” I had to think harder...

“... left.”

I was holding my own wrist, really hard.

“If they left me.”

I started to cry and I pushed my thumbnail in hard and tried to stop it.

“If they stopped being... even on the phone... or... to see me...” I looked at Ben.

“If... if... Carol said I wasn’t... her... brother...”

I had to let go so I could hold on.

-

I remembered a time when my sister said ”freak,” when a cross-dresser was on a TV show.

I'd never felt worse. Ever, in my whole life.

I remembered she said he was stupid looking or something... She'd looked at me weird, too.

I remembered I almost ran away right after she said it, but not so she could see, and I couldn't talk or think, and as soon as I could that day I tore up all my stories and drawings and threw out my stuff, and stopped everything.

For a long time. A long time.

I started cutting after that, about a year later, when I didn’t have anything else. I was around thirteen or fourteen, because I never made up stories again until after that, after cutting the first time, for over a year.

I missed them so bad... I used to read them over and over and even dream them.

-

The man in the mall was after that. He called me a freak, too. And if I ever told anyone...

I never felt worse, in my whole life. And I couldn't tell anyone.

-

I knew that Carol was going to hate me and not see me anymore. She'd said... that. It was what she meant.

But we'd talked... just the day before... and she knew that I dressed, in her things sometimes, even....

And Mom and Dad said she knew even before I went to university, and she still hugged me then and looked sad when she was leaving...

and she said goodbye.

I told them I didn’t know what that meant. I mean, that I was just sure she would... not like me... and that she still even cried a bit when she left. And I knew those didn't make sense, together.

And how I *knew* she wouldn't have if she already knew I was a freak.

But she did.

-

Ms Harbison left, she said to make a phone call, and came back after about twenty minutes while Ben and I talked about my stories that I used to write about me, as if everything was different, as if I was never a boy.

He asked if they were different when I started writing them again, the ones I'd just thrown out that summer.

-

When she came back Ms Harbison had a big folder and took out some papers.

“I just talked with your mother and she gave me permission to talk to you about some of this.”

She looked at one page and then looked at me and was really serious. I waited because I didn’t have any idea what.

“Your sister said this to me on the phone, six weeks ago.”

She looked up at me, I think to see if I was listening, and then she read.

“He’s been in my clothes since he was about four or five and I guess I used to think he was gay, but I think he’s a girl, a transsexual, maybe.”

She looked at me again, still really serious, and looked at the paper again.

“He gets really scared if people talk about anything like crossdressers or homosexuals around him, so we don’t.” She looked up again.

“These are from a long conversation we had.” She looked at some other pages and read again.

“We all know he cuts, or slashes or whatever, and I know Mom says it doesn’t mean he’s trying to kill himself, but it scares me so much I can’t stand it.”

She looked right at me for a second and then read again from the same sheet.

“If he could be happy I’d give him all my clothes and I don’t care if he’s a girl, or gay or anything. But I’m so scared he’s going to kill himself, and I can’t help him. I'm afraid to even talk to him and maybe make it worse.”

She put the papers back in the folder.

I just listened, and watched, and tried to fit it together. The stuff I knew, and Carol said, and that they were the same, and how I couldn't believe them, almost.

“She loves you.”

I looked at Ben. He smiled a little.

“And she knows you dressed in her things, and probably was trying to say something about that to you back when you were watching that show you remember.”

I closed my eyes for a second.

“But perhaps... because of that man, and what he said... you were too scared to listen clearly? Yesterday?”

He sounded so right.

-

I understood what they meant, I thought. I knew...

“So this is all... really about me... just... hurting myself? All this?” I felt my eyes fill up when I had my next thought.

“Dennis too?” And Mom and Dad...

Ben made a noise and I looked up, even if he was blurry.

“No. That's *not* why you're here. And Dennis thinks you're...”

He blinked and looked at Ms Harbison and then at me and was dead serious.

“He likes you.” He smiled. I think at how he sounded like before. But he's talked to Dennis...

“He said that?”

“He said that.” He nodded.

He was serious again. And he knew all about what I thought.

“And none of your friends in residence volunteered to help a depressed student. They just said that they would be supportive of gay or transgendered residence-mates. Except Dennis said that he would like to have a gay roommate, because of his friend. And when we called him about you, from what we could pass on, he said he thought he’d like *you* as a roommate.”

He looked at me and spoke really clearly.

“What everyone is trying to do, including your parents and sister and friends back home, is keep you safe - while you find yourself.”

He smiled at me and Ms Harbison.

“And Dennis, to use his *own* words, loves you.”

-

They both though all the *change* was the problem, and bringing up a lot of old feelings that were like... the opposite of what I thought I *should* feel, but that was normal...

They said I was adaptable and flexible and other psych words, but they meant they didn’t know exactly how long, but I’d start to get better. Not panic.

And if I could have someone with me *all* the time I probably wouldn't panic again, but that was impossible, so I had to at least try to remember what my family *really* thought about me and that I wouldn’t be abandoned or hated or stuff like that.

And my friends. And Dennis.

I still had to go to see Ben every day for a week. And they'd see if I could change some classes or drop one or two, and still not lose my grants. So I could maybe have a little less stress.

And I should call home. And talk to Carol again. They didn’t say I had to, but they said I’d feel better. That it'd help erase the wrong ideas I had running around in my head.

-

Ms Harbison gave me a small hug. It felt like she practiced them.

She wasn’t a really huggy person, but Ben was.

I never knew I was, before. I wasn't before.

-

Bev got a note like mine that was sort of an excuse for missing classes all afternoon. And her morning one. And mine for all day.

The secretary said at least we wouldn’t get penalized for missing, but we still had to make up the work. He was really nice and said he thought I looked lovely and Beverly called me a shameless flirt and he laughed.

She said we should eat lunch in the student union because we were already there anyway and she chose and we ended up in the same fancy restaurant where I went with the grad project people.

The same guy was at the door and sat us and I noticed something that I didn’t before. He wasn’t gay.

Well, maybe he was gay too, but what I could see was really, he was feminine.

And when he smiled at me, just like before, it was just a really nice smile and I smiled back.

Bev looked at him after he left and then at me and asked if I knew him? I just said I was there for lunch before, and he just seemed like a nice person.

I even said "person".

-

Ben and Ms Harbison said I should tell Dennis and Jarrod and Anne about trying to not be alone for a while, like Dennis hadn't already figured *that* out...

But I told Bev, too, while we waited for our food, so I could ask if she could walk back to rez with me and she smiled at me like I was totally stupid and said of course!

-

I told her about Carol and Barry and Jan and everyone and she said they sounded nice and she asked about Barry and if we talked much, before and I really didn’t know if we did.

I thought about it. We hung out, and did things, and sat around a lot, and talked... Maybe a lot. Not as much as with Dennis...

“On...”

I looked at her and she was all thinking.

“On the phone? In Jarrod's room, when you and Dennis were on the phone to... Barry and Carol?”

I nodded and waited, ‘cause I could tell she was trying to say something right.

“You guys talked like...”

She thought again, a pretty long time. She looked at my hand where she had it, and then at me. Bev talks slow, like thinking about each sentence.

“Y’know, all the girls on the floor think you’re both adorable.”

She smiled at my face.

“Because *you're* just like a girl.” She squeezed my hands.

“And Dennis treats you like that, too.” She grinned even more.

“It’s so sweet...”

-

The waitress came with our burgers and when she went away Bev started grinning again so much I couldn’t stop either.

“Stop it!”

I wasn’t really mad or anything, but she was being creepy. Well, not really *creepy*, but I didn’t want her to, or at least I didn’t want to talk about it.

What she said.

She told me *all* the girls who weren’t going with someone had tried to get Dennis to go out but he mostly hung out with me, and that made him even more special? She grinned again after she said that.

“Really?”

I think I was kinda amazed he was that... whatever... attractive, I guess.

“Yes! He’s like the nicest guy ever!” She really meant it.

“But he’s, like, like... plain? I mean ‘cept for being a jock, sorta? I mean, he’s...”

Dennis just wasn’t really good looking, I meant. I didn't mean he looked bad, 'cause he didn't, he looked great... I thought... but I thought girls liked...

“Earth to Bobby?” She smiled real, like no grin.

“He’s not a model, he’s a guy?” She made eyes. “And he’s a keeper, you can bet on that. Whoever he settles down with will be one lucky girl.”

She looked at me like I should have figured all that out, I guess.

“But right now the only one he talks about, or goes out with, special..?”

I figured it out.

“Is... me?”

She nodded big.

“Is you.”

-

She said we didn’t have to talk any more about it if I didn’t want to, ‘cause I think I stopped talking.

Which was good, the not talking about it, ‘cause I was thinking too hard.

What Bev had said, and what... everyone said...

We still ate, and even talked a bit more, too, but not about that, about Dennis. I still thought about him.

-

When Dennis touched me it was like the exact, exact, perfect opposite of the mall.

-

I was definitely gay. I was thinking it, figuring it out. Even if I was transgendered, I was gay. ‘Cause I liked boys. And my stories all used to have boys in them, like princes and knights and Robin Hood and all that, and I liked Gary. And Dennis... and Barry. But all of them totally different. Especially Dennis.

I didn't even know if having boy friends was gay, really.

I couldn’t figure it out for sure, all of it, them... But *I* was definitely gay.

-

While we were walking back to rez, Bev figured out I was thinking about something, I guess because I was out of focus. Or because I'd been on autopilot for the last half hour.

“What’s going on in there, girl?”

I heard her, and I guess I woke up, but I looked up at her, and I had to ask.

“I think I’m gay...”

Or say it, anyway.

She looked at me like she was kinda surprised I said that.

“You like girls?” She really looked like she was serious. I guess she thought I meant I was bi.

“I guess, sorta...” I looked at her more.

“But not like *that*, really...”

She just looked more serious.

“Then how are you gay?”

I guess I thought how to say it clearer. More clearly. Then I figured out what she meant.

“If I like boys...”

She looked at me like I was stupid.LIke it didn’t make sense. What I said.

Or maybe, if I was transgendered, like a girl, like transsexual, then I wasn’t.

Except I was a boy, or was one... really.

“I’m a boy, so if I like... like boys... like, that... like, *sex*...” I had to whisper, so I could even say it.

“Then that’s *gay*...”

I thought about what I said, and it still was right. I looked at her to see what she thought.

She was thinking too. But not bad stuff. After a few seconds she nodded.

“Ok, I guess I can see that...” Then she smiled a bit silly and waggled her head.

“But I think you’d be way gayer if you liked girls.”

“I would not! If I liked girls I’d be all normal like Dennis... or Gary!”

“So *they’re* all normal and they still treat you like a girl... even if you say you’re a boy?” She smiled weird. “That works... how?”

I just looked at her like she didn’t get it and she smiled at me like I was being stupid again or something, but not mean.

“I don’t think you *can* be gay, really...”

Or she was still thinking about it.

“If you like Dennis or Gary, then it’s like... I mean, it’s the girl in you, right?” She looked at me and kept talking.

“And if it’s a girl you like, well you’re still like a boy, so you can’t be gay then either.”

She stopped, like that was all. But I'd already thought all of that.

“What if the boy part likes boys too, or the girl part likes girls..?”

Bev walked some more. We did.

“Then you can’t *not* be gay, either... if the, if your... boy part and girl parts are both always... there, I guess?”

I hadn’t thought it that way before. I wondered why...

“... bi, really. You have to be... Even if you're only attracted to one sex, you’re *two* yourself.”

She said it pretty quiet, but it was pretty big idea. Yeah...

“I guess...” I smiled at her like she was smart.

“Hey, Bev? I think I’m bi.”

“Ya think?!” She laughed way more than it was funny, but I was still pretty glad she did.

After about another ten feet she walked closer and grabbed my arm.

“So? Gary, hmm? He’s that tall guy..? He’s cute! Have you been out yet? What’s he like?”

She was kidding me, but she still made me blush all over.

“I just *said* Gary! I didn’t mean him especially! And we haven’t been out or anything and... he...”

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t even remember everything she just said. I didn’t even really remember *saying* Gary.

Besides.

“Ok, ok.” She stopped asking and stuff, but she kept hold of my arm as we walked up the rez steps.

“What about Dennis..?” She held the outer door open for me.

“Dennis?”

“Yes, Dennis? Your roomie? The totally nice guy we were talking about? The one who likes you?”

“I know who he is! I mean, what about him?” She got her key card out of her pack while I peeked in our mailbox. I thought about how Ben said he said he loved me...

“That’s what I asked.” She pulled the door shut behind us ‘cause sometimes it caught. Jarrod said we had to be careful about that 'til the fixed it... She turned around and faced me, close.

“Are you, ummm... romantically interested in him?” She didn’t take my arm, but she was that close again. Bumping noses. Waggly eyebrows.

I had to hide how red I got. She took my arm again and headed upstairs.

He’d said all that about no sex, and I thought that was good too, but I still thought maybe he was like in my old daydreams, like he liked me that way. And what he told Ben.

The hallway was echo-y. Dennis wouldn’t be there, and I thought about the alone thing...

I didn’t want to ask Bev again, but I was afraid of how it felt too.

She opened the door and it was her room and I never even noticed us going there. Past ours. Mine.

“I’m gonna try and catch up a bit on my sociology reading. Wanna keep me company?”

I thought that was a great idea, and ran down to our room to get the first bio lab.

And think.

-

I thought. I thought a LOT. I brought over my pillow and laid on Patty's bed (after Bev said everyone did) and held the lab notes like I was reading, and thought.

I was gonna call Mom and Dad that night. And then try to reach Carol.

And maybe Barry, too. Again. Too.

I was gonna talk with Dennis. Before bed.

I was gonna have to talk with Gary, too, I guessed... Or I could just wait and see if Ben was right...

It didn't matter if he wasn't, and I didn't want to mess anything up. I liked Gary, but not like that.

-

I nearly made a noise when the door popped open, but it was Patty and she was all floppy-tired.

“I HATE calculus.” She fell on the bed beside me and cried on my leg and then looked up like it was the worst day of her life. “Did I ever tell you how I feel about calculus?”

“You hate it?”

She shook her head. “I hate brussels sprouts. I hate polka music. I hate... cold showers. Calculus, there must be a bigger word, a... a... billboard! I *LOATHE* IT!”

Bev hardly even looked up at her and didn’t seem to think anything was really wrong, from her one look.

Patty put her head back down on my leg and growled. I was gonna pat her leg or something when she sat back up all of a sudden and smiled at me.

“God, that felt good!” She looked all normal, like nothing was wrong and wasn’t ever mad, or hating, or whatever. And wiped her eyes.

“How’d the quiz go?” Bev still didn’t really look up. Patty made a little bad face.

“I did okay, I think, but it was a real bear...” She picked up her pack and dug out her calc text and a fat notebook and put them on the bed.

“It’s just so... d-darn... frustrating!” She switched from Bev to me. “Are you any good at it? I could *really* use a tutor or something? Just to make it less gobbledy-goop?”

I had to shake my head. I thought it was tougher than any of my other courses and I couldn’t understand half of the stuff so far. And I'd missed a class... and there was a quiz?

“Wanna at least study together? Please?” She really looked unhappy, and she had the same textbook.

“I’m no good at it, really...” I tried to think of something better to say for her.

“At *least* study with me? I can’t stand it, it’s... it’s just so *frustrating*!!” She sat beside me and kinda looked like I was her last hope or something. Bev still just ignored her.

“We’re not in...” I was looking at her book, and her notebook, I guess. We had the same text...

“I know we’re in different sections, but our exams’ll be almost the same, and most of our assignments’ll be out of the book? Pleeeeease??” She looked really sad. Other things, too. Pathetic, helpless.

“Please?” Bev drawled it. “She’s like this three times a week...” She looked at her like she was a huge pain, but funny too.

I looked at the book again.

“Maybe, I guess...”

“”Oh, thank you! Thank you!! You’ve saved my life!! Thank you!!” She draped her arms all over me and made a big silly hug and fake cried.

Bev looked at me like “See?”

-

We really did study.

Like, we started at the first page and went through our notes, and we made it up to about mid-September's work and I think I really did understand it better. It was like we got totally different things and when we put them together, they worked, mostly. Better, anyway.

She knew how to to the functions and stuff, and I kinda got the concepts better, like the purposes or reasons for them.

-

I thought, like if we’d done the studying like this a few weeks before, I’d have understood that...

Patty still liked to kinda explode every so often and make up bizarre curses about Newton and our profs, but even she grinned most of the time.

-

Bev had her head propped up on her hand and was smiling at us.

Patty was writing really fast, popping her pen back and forth from the line she just wrote to the one she was reading and making little happy noises and then humming, and when she finished she popped her pen tip a few times like a beat and smiled up at me really big.

I smiled at her too.

I was practicing braiding her hair in this complicated way Bev showed me that Patty liked and Bev had no patience for. She'd get up and look every so often and correct me or show me how, or when I asked.

And Patty'd look up every so often at Bev and then at me and grin like 'calculus was fun!'

I slapped her head to keep still almost every time because I lost the pattern almost every time, too.

And then Bev would laugh too. Every time. She said she was glad she skipped her afternoon classes, 'cause she learning more, there.

It was great.

-

Dennis got back a little after four and I guess saw the note I’d left on his bed and came and smiled around the door.

Bev smiled and said hi like she wanted to say more, and smiled me the rest, and Patty screamed hi and jumped up and ran and dragged him in to sit on her bed beside me and started telling him about our studying and that I was the *best* study partner ever and he was soooo lucky!

Bev started laughing and sorta pointing at me.

And I turned red.

“Speaking of studying, wanna read some more of that book after supper?”

Dennis kinda changed the subject, since that book wouldn't really *be* studying...

I didn’t care if I turned red. Or if I was bi.

Or if Bev and Patty laughed at us.

It was *good* laughing, and Dennis was smiling at me with his eyes.

----

The End

This is the end of almost the first story I ever wrote. I hope you liked it.