I find that I am struggling with guilt in regards to my rape. I had a moment of clearity in my counsiling thursday, when i realized I actually missed my attacker after i stopped seeing him. This, coupled with the fact that i experianced pleasure on some level during my attacks has really thrown me, and I am having trouble wrapping my head around it. Sigh.
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Ah sweetie ...
I wish there was something I could do to help you. Just remember rape is of the mind, spirit and body. The body might become stimulated, but that does not mean terrible wrongs were not done to the rest of you. I pray you find peace.
You did nothing wrong then.
and the feelings that you have are not uncommon; they stem from the attackers control over you. You have nothing to be ashamed of; and your counselor will make that clear if they haven't already, since every bit of this was out of your hands. Write me if you need to talk. My prayers with you.
She was born for all the wrong reasons but grew up for all the right ones.
Con grande amore e di affetto, Andrea Lena
Love, Andrea Lena
For a good story with possibly some explanations for you..
Try going to http://www.beyondthefarhorizon.com, or http://storiesonline.net, and look for stories by 'shadow of moonlite'. One of his main characters (it doesn't become really clear until close to the end of the first book) has similar problems with rape and abuse.
BW
I'll get a life when it's proven and substantiated to be better than what I'm currently experiencing.
Don't know what to say
Don't know what to say really.
But you got to remember that when small much of our focus is on how to please 'grown ups'.
And a grown up is expected to reciprocate that trust by helping you. Sadly some fail, too many in fact. And those that fails can hurt you terribly. And whatever physical pleasure you might have felt have nothing to do with that betrayal of trust involved here. If this happened as young, then it definitely comes down too trust, to expect a child to handle that situation as you might have done as an adult, that's just not possible.
I remember speaking with a African guy in a pub. He had been a political prisoner in some African country. There they mixed young with old, and some of those young ones got severely abused by the older ones. What shook him was not so much the abuse, even if that was bad enough, but the way the young ones seemed to accept it. I said the same to him as I say to you now..
When you're a child you want to please, it's a natural thing for a kid, and sometimes, the only thing you can do, with no one there to protect and care for you.
It's not your fault, it never was.
The guy doing it have a long journey in hell before he ever becomes a real human being.
Don't ever mix what you think you could have done, if it happened now, with that boy being abused, even if he still lives inside you.
As for gender and sex, that's another issue :)