I've been doing one of my famous thinking sessions today, and thought about my mother, how I've been handling her death, and how my family have been handling it. Up till now I've been avoiding thinking about it. It's been painful to think about the memory of watching her take her last breath, or about her in general. I've been avoiding spending time at home as much as possible, as her presence still lingered there long after. My sister comes up to me on a weekly basis and asked me how I was doing, and I've told her I've been avoiding it. My old man has been keeping himself busy, but has broken down often crying. We've otherwise have become well, stagnant. Trying to collect the bits and pieces that dropped, pretending everything is normal.
I don't know, though. I'm trying to move on, but I feel kinda heartless. I know there is nothing more to do for her, but at the same time, it feels...empty. and I've been wondering why. Then it hit me. Not one person in my family is happy. We've been avoiding the subject. We've just...hid our pain. Snapped at each other when it got to be too much, and forgot about why we're fighting moments later. No one's really moved on and picked up the pieces that were left behind.
Now, 2 months and a day later, has made the decision to move on completely. Stop avoiding the subject. I don't want to forget her, but at the same time, I don't want to hurt anymore either. But I've realized something. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Emotionally, I don't think I could take another death so close to home anytime soon, but for right now, I can deal with this one, and move on with my life. It still hurts, and I'll never fully heal the hole in my heart. It feels right to move on, but at the same time...I don't know. it just feels heartless to leave her behind like that.
Comments
No
You are not leaving her behind. She still exists, in your memory and your heart. You can take her forward with you. Perhaps when you and other members of your family are together you can start working her into your conversation. Remembering the happy times, and even the not so happy times.
My family was the same way for awhile after my father died. Then, we started thinking of things. "Hey, remember the time when you were in high school, and mom let you use the Ford to deliver your paper route 'cause it was snowing and we wouldn't make it to Christmas Eve services otherwise. I'll never forget the look on Dad's face when you came home with the right fender all smashed up! That was something wasn't it?"
Just little stuff like that allows you to bring that loved person with you wherever you go. It's a start.
Karen J.
"Being a girl is wonderful and to torture someone into that would be like the exact opposite of what it's like. I don’t know how anyone could act that way." College Girl - poetheather
“When a clown moves into a palace, he doesn’t become a king. The palace becomes a circus.” - Turkish Proverb
Leaving her behind?
You are not leaving her behind. She or her memory will remain with you, just as my beloved Aunt remains with me. I still weep when I think of her gentle passing, since she made the decision to refuse treatment and allow herself to die from the effects of the stroke and heart attack that felled her. She always said she was a tough old bird, and she was, passing at 90 1/2 years of age. She was my second mother, had no children of her own so selected me to love in that way, and it took me months before I smiled and joked with friends, but though I miss her nearly everyday, I recall that she was prepared to die rather than live as a helpless stroke victim, unable to speak above a whisper or swallow food. I try to celebrate her life and the many years of love and laughter we shared. Yet on the anniversary of her death, I was snappy and depressed without realizing why, and could only overcome that by realizing it and thinking of her as she would want. I still miss her after 15 years, and always will so long as I live. But I honor her by living my life as a tough old bird, just as she did.
Survivor guilt is a very common thing when we have poured so much into trying to help someone we love, and we find it hard to let it go. Carrying that load is not what your parent would have wanted for you. I hope you can learn to be at peace, and dwell with your memories of happier times rather than the circumstances of her death.
CaroL
CaroL
Mother's death
Kitten
You are not being heartless, that is called getting on with life. I lost my mother in 1982 at 60 years and 4 months of age. I was unfortunately not able to be there when she passed and it still hurts.
Then to top thing off Mothers birthday was May 14 which means every few years her birthday and mothers day fell on the same day. When those roll around it really hurts, But I pray for her and talk to her because I know she is watching over me.
Melanie
Think About What She Would Want
Think about what she would want. Remember what she would say to you at different times in your life when you were having a problem. As hard as it is, What would she want you to do? You can take comfort in knowing that she isn't in pain anymore. My heart goes out to you and your family and I understand how hard it is. I admire you for having the courage to begin to move forward. You won't forget her, but your memories of all the good times will become a treasure to you. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think of my grandparents and smile at some of the funny things they said or did or the wonderful things they did or advice they gave me at certain times in my life.
Hugs,
Jen
Your mother would want you to get on with your life
I know how it feels to lose your parents. I lost both and they were both too young. My mother was just 54 when she died of a stroke, but she lived every day like it was her last. She gave love and laughter and would have been disappointed if I didn't move on to raise the grand daughter that she had just met. She would have been proud of the grandson she never met that sang with the San Francisco Opera. Opera was her greatest love, and everytime he sang I would shed a tear thinking about her and what she would have felt. The thing though is she would have been disappointed if I didn't move on with a smile, knowing her life had ended and I wasn't following the lessons she had taught me, smile, love, and respect everyone you meet. I'm sorry for your loss, but make your mother proud. Go to your family hug them and then give them the biggest smile you can and tell them this is for Mom, Arecee
Certainly ...
... you are doing what needs to be done and what, I'm sure your mother would have wanted. My own mother died in 1944 when I was 4 and I still remember the loss I felt when I eventually discovered she wasn't coming home (after the funeral - that's the way it seemed to be done then). Of course most of the time I don't think of it and carry on but the memories linger. I know my father thought of her even though he remarried.
Since then, I've lost a lot of friends and family, including my father. That's inevitable. All of them hurt to a greater or lesser extent but I try not to ignore that they ever lived when I'm talking to their closest. Every time I pick up a tool in my workshop that belonged to him, he's remembered. Someone once told me that the worst thing to happen after their husband died was that friends avoided mentioning him for fear of upsetting her. So don't forget her; don't pretend she never existed and don't avoid entirely talking about her when the occasion arises. Two months isn't very long; it will get easier, much easier, but it will never go away completely, nor should it.
Robi
Thank you. It still hurts,
Thank you. It still hurts, but I can't wallow in the self pity forever. Thank you for your kind words BCTS.
I used to be broken, I used to be lost. Unsure of what I was, until he found me...
Never be afraid to push yourself to new limits. While you might not see the path, you will be amazed at what you can achieve.