Here I am thinking that I had put my Dark Shadow away when I came out, had SRS, and began living as a woman. In the last few years I have really tried to cultivate my spiritual side and to really begin to understand more about God or who ever did this humanity thing.

Still, from time to time, I have really felt something pulling at me from deep inside; something that I have tried so very hard to put away but it is still in there waiting for the tiny spark that would trigger a bonfire in my soul. It is there lurking and sometimes I get really frightened by it.

This morning a message from someone in my past; during the lost years. He wanted me to be dessert after breakfast, and much to my relief I was able to decline. Little did he know that if he had ordered me to comply and said he was going to chain me, I'd have been lost.

I have been writing some very mild stories, but there is this streak within me that just really needs to be bound and made helpless. I often wonder if it is part of the reason that I have embraced Islam. I try to tell myself that I love Allah SWT, but there is always that little part of me that loves to be told that she can't do this or that, because it is not for woman! I could write a book on just that last sentence, but I don't understand it at all.

So now cometh Depak Chopra, Debbie Ford, and Marianne Williamson who have written a book about "The Shadow Effect". I'm gonna buy that book and read it but I really worry that it will cause me to seriously crash; like a moth to the flames.

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2010/05/13/earlyshow/leisure/...

Much peace

Gwen