Captivated by Love
by White Dragon
Driving beats, minimalistic sounds providing the soundtrack of another dull day in her life. How many times did she visit that club, hidden in the dark basement of an old industrial building at the very verge of the town. Her town now. She was living 8 months here now. She came here to study. Classes were OK, but the evenings were dragging endlessly in those warm and humid summer nights.
Her deep blue eyes aimlessly scanning the dark crowd another time, awaiting only the same faces at the dance floor.
Wait!
Those eyes!
Those eyes blue like the angry ocean. Electricity is shooting through every fiber of her body when their eyes met. Never had she felt anything like that.
She is the one. Her lush brown hair peeking out from under her black hooded cape. Her belly was tingling and she felt the heat rising up to her cheeks.
She is the one and I have to ask her.
I slowly made my way through the maddening crowd until I stood directly in front of her. Slightly larger than me I looked at her frozen figure for the first time.
She was still staring at me, frozen amidst the heaving mass of human bodies.
Standing up on my tiptoes all I could do was softly kissing her cheek. Something I have would have done. Not with a stranger, let alone a completely strange girl.
Yet I couldn't help it. Here and now it felt so right to kiss that dark angel in front of me.
Slowly she did unfroze still returning my gaze. A shy 'Hi' she whispered between the beats. Guided by our hearts we took each others hands and left for a quieter corner of the club. She too came here for studying. Psychology.
But what little it was compared to what I didn't knew about her at that evening. At day the busy student, at night the most sensual creature on Gaia's great earth.
She is a soul seeking for the purest and most complete emotions and sensations. She was into something I had only heard bizarre stories about. Our love evolved as we met each night, sometimes exploring each others body, sometimes one of us even being helpless to the others soft and caressing touches.
Our commitment ceremony only six months later should have been the purest of our love to each other. And it was. At our beloved place, a large flat rock, from where we often watched the sky.
Friends had prepared that special place for that warm night in August. A thick and soft burgundy sheet covering the smooth surface of the rock. Four heavy steel bolts sunken into the unmoving stone.
There we were now, two girls, so similar and yet so different, so near and yet so far from each other.
Silence... and only a light soothing melody playing in the background.
Darkness surrounding them, only lightened by the orange flicker of hundreds of candles around them. Two young women, one slightly larger than the other. The smaller one reflecting the flames on her glossy black attire the other catching any light on her matte black cape.
Kneeling opposite each other, held safely by thin shimmering steel bands.
Holding hands, gazing into each others eyes. Oblivious to their surroundings captivated only by their deep love...
So we stayed until the first ray of the dawn would loosen our chains, holding us back before committing to undying love to each other in the dawn of a beautiful morning.
--
This is my first attempt at a romance, so, I'd be happy about any comments.
White Dragon
Comments
Captivating story
This is a captivating story in the rough. A wonderful romantic story of love at first sight, with just a twist that appeals to me. You do need some editorial clean-up work, spelling and such, as well as a phrase or two that seems a bit vague or at odds. Perhaps a bit sparse in the details, but the way the story is written it mostly works. Mind you, I'd like to know more about the two girls, but I'm content projecting myself into the protagonist's role.
Let's see, a specific phrase: "Our commitment ceremony only six months later should have been the purest of our love to each other. And it was." The way it conjures up a foreboding shadow before dispelling it (or attempting to) doesn't quite work for me.
And I'm just not sure about the chains, are they metaphorical or real? Metaphorical they seem a beautiful expression, real is a bit offputting, to me.
These are just a few comments off the top of my head and are not meant to be derogatory in any way. The story grabs me by the heart. What lucky young women they are!
Karen J.
"Being a girl is wonderful and to torture someone into that would be like the exact opposite of what it's like. I don’t know how anyone could act that way." College Girl - poetheather
"Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.”
George Carlin
Since You Asked for Comments...
Thanks for posting the story. It's a pleasant and reasonably coherent read, with the softness and warmth and optimism I'd expect from a romantic story. The overall effect is very positive.
But... (you probably knew this was coming...)
I got lost at the start. Do people really go to a dance club to study? Maybe psychology, I guess, as some sort of field test. But that doesn't explain the other person. (That issue may just be me; I'm an unsocial type who's been to a bar maybe four times in my life and I've barely been on a dance floor since high school. But it did strike me as odd.)
Structurally, this story either needs a lot of cleanup or some clarification: the story changes more than once from present to past tense, and between third and first person narrative. (Either that or it's changing POV from one woman ("I") to the other ("she"), but the action at the club doesn't seem to me to work right if that's the intention.) If there's a reason for those shifts, I'm not finding it, and at the very least it's not helpful as I try to follow along with events.
I'm not exactly sure about the bondage element. As I read it, they're both in chains, waiting for a friend to come by at sunrise and release them so that they can consummate their relationship with each other. Is that correct? I realize I'm clueless about this sort of thing, but the "BD" in the header suggests to me that one of the two protagonists, probably the one in black with the cape, is the dom here, and chaining her up too doesn't sound consistent with that.
Since you don't bring up the point, I assume that you're telling us that if there's a TG element here, it's not relevant to the relationship. Fair enough, and I suppose we don't need to know the details to appreciate the action. But on this site, without "non-TG" in the header, I think the questions that it does bring up may be hard to avoid: has the "I"-character completed SRS? If not, did the "she"-character know that the "I"-character was TG when they first met? Was she looking for a TG lover, or simply willing to accept love without worrying about the genital details?
I realize that a paragraph of exposition on that would be out of place in this kind of vignette. Still the "one [young woman] slightly larger than the other" may identify the TG character, but doesn't tell me what I think I ought to know to fully appreciate the situation.
Sorry to go on at relative length, and if you feel it was impolite to post this publicly, feel free (as of course you are under the site rules here) to remove it. My intention here isn't to tear down the story, which does carry a very positive vibe. But IMO it needs work, and your note that this was a first attempt and your request for comments made me think this was appropriate. If I was wrong, please kill this and let me know.
Eric
As I understood
She came to town to study. So it's simply a slightly ambiguous passage.
I don't think it is that much a matter of friend coming - after all such things are supposed to be used with a precaution - that in case of emergency one can free instantly. So I thought it was made with some kind of a light-sensitive switch or something. And the emergency way out? Likely the bonds were mostly superficial (described as thin in-story) and were easily breakable in case of need.
And the story was wonderful.
Faraway
Big Closet Top Shelf
Where you can fool around like you want to and most you get is some bemused good ribbing!
Faraway
Big Closet Top Shelf
Where you can fool around like you want to and most you get is some bemused good ribbing!
Thanks, Faraway...
That does help...
Eric
For me, it was nice story of
For me, it was nice story of love. Narration also is interesting, this is well writen story.
Captivated by Love
The tags are very confusing.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
nice to see
You're trying to do something a little different and the basics here are great. But... I get the feeling you may not be a native English speaker so you get lost slightly with some word choices and sentence structures. Some are missed or slightly disjointed. Sort of like a series of polaroids laid out and loosely connected. Great idea yet it misses slightly, sort of a Hockney painting with pieces missing. You leave a little too much to the imagination of the reader to connect things or alternatively you don't tie it up at the end. More detail for each pic/vignette or at the ending, as is it doesn't quite hold together. It doesn't need a lot just a few more words here and there to clear up the confusion. The bondage elements for example are too subtle it's either love as a bond or something more, again a little confusing. Deliberate? Maybe, but still confusing.
This all might be the simple excitement of getting the story down and then rushing to post, hey I get that. A lovely idea that doesn't quite make it but it's close.
Kristina
CAPTIVATED
LOVE YOUR STORIES and ALL OF YOU ... THANKS FOR THIS WONDERFUL GIFT >>> She was CAPTIVATED by LOVE and I am CAPTIVATED by your writeing talent and style ... LOVED this story ...
LOVE YOUR STORIES and ALL OF YOU ... THANKS FOR THIS WONDERFUL GIFT >>>