Part 3

His mother was true to her word. As Jimmy's chest recovered from Dr. Brown's scalpel, Carol made some calls. The lawyer referred to her by Dr. Doyle created a new identity for Katie. He even helped Carol forge school transcripts so Katie could start high school at Gilmore in the fall.

Katie's new wardrobe had become worthy of his new melon sized breasts and his room had undergone a transformation of it's own. The walls, once stark white and covered with posters of quarterbacks yielded to a feminine shade of pink and posters of Brittney Spears. He didn't shed a tear as he packed up the remnants of Jimmy's life for the Salvation Army. He was caught up in the excitement of his fantasy turned real.

He spent hours in front of the mirror experimenting with his new make-up kit. He would lie under the canopy of his frilly bed turning the pages of 'Seventeen Magazine' and smoking Virginia Slims.

Dr. Brown had been right about his breasts being tender. The first day after the surgery had been miserable. The pain would have been unbearable if not for the ecstasy of his imagination. He had fallen in love with the idea of looking like a woman. The permanence and reality of his transition were overshadowed by the immediate thrill of the change. The mirror didn't lie. He looked fabulous! But underneath the skirt he was still a boy and still thought of himself as one.

Katie clenched the cigarette between her teeth and ran her fingers across her massive breasts. Unbelievable he thought as he pinched the nipples between his fingers. He hadn't expected them to be so sensitive and reveled in the feeling. He was on his way to becoming his own dream girl.

Nothing about his transition seemed real. It was as if he expected to wake up from a glorious dream or worse- to get caught indulging in a full-blown perversion. He hadn't closed the door and his mother's voice sounded in his ears.

"Are you checking for tenderness," asked Carol? "Or are you just feeling your self up?"

Startled by his mother's presence, he jerked his hands from under his blouse and put the cigarette out. He blushed when he looked at her. "I guess you caught me," he said.

"That's OK Honey. You weren't doing any thing wrong. You're just getting oriented to your new body. I bet you never even heard of silicone until a couple days ago. Dr. Brown did a wonderful job. You should be very proud. I know I'm envious."

"Really Mom? You think they look good on me?"

"I do," she said as she sat down on the bed beside him. She smiled at her new daughter and asked, "So tell me, why did you put your cigarette out when I came in. You hardly smoked it. That's such a waste. You know how expensive they are."

Katie shrugged and blushed. "I don't know."

Carol nodded and sighed. "I wish you wouldn't be ashamed about smoking in front of me. Do you think it makes you a bad person?"

Katie shrugged again.

Carol looked past the breasts, the clothes and the make-up. She saw an insecure boy who lacked confidence in her self. She knew he was in need of a heart to heart talk.

She pointed to the pack of Virginia Slims on Katie's quilt. "Mind if I have one? I left mine in the kitchen."

She took her daughter's silence as a yes and picked up the pack, removed two cigarettes, lit one for her self and handed the other to Katie.

"I don't understand what's wrong," said Carol. "I thought you wanted to smoke."

"It's hard to explain," he said as he took a small drag.

"This is about your fetish, isn't it," asked Carol.

The crimson color returned to his cheeks. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"I think you do, but you're too ashamed to talk about it. Dr. Doyle told me all about it. You think girls are pretty when they smoke, don't you?"

"Yeah, I guess," said Katie. He sighed and trimmed his ash over the ashtray on his nightstand. "I guess that makes me pervert- that and the clothes and the breasts."

"No Honey. You're not a pervert, but you're confused. So much has happened so fast- maybe too fast. But Dr. Doyle says it's better this way. She says the sooner you get used to thinking of your self as a woman the happier you'll be."

"Well that's just it," said Katie. "I don't think of my self as a woman. I'm still a guy. I just like dressing up as a girl."

"So you're saying that wearing girl's clothes, having breasts and smoking is like entertainment for your brain. It's just a game for you. It's not real."

He looked at her as if she'd read his mind. "Yes," he whispered. "Exactly. This feels like a dream, like I'm doing something wrong. I keep thinking you're going to yell at me and call me a queer or scream at me for smoking. It doesn't feel right. It feels good, but I don't deserve to feel this good. I'm not a girl Mom. I'm a boy. You know it and I know it." He felt a tear forming in the corner of his eye and looked away so she wouldn't see him cry.

She laid a gentle hand on his shoulder. "It's the hormones Honey. They're making you emotional. That's why you're crying. It's OK. I know it feels strange but it's normal."

"Nothing about me is normal Mom. I'm a freak."

Carol lifted the cigarette to her lips and hallowed her cheeks as she searched for the words that would comfort her daughter. "This must be so hard," she said. "I was born a girl. I had my entire life to prepare myself for womanhood. You've only had a few days. Your head must be so jumbled with boy thoughts. You're looking at this and feeling as if you're life is happening to a boy. Am I right?"

Katie nodded, sniffed, dried his eyes, and took a puff from his cigarette.

Carol handed him a tissue. "Your mascara is running. You'll have to do your make-up again before we go out."

"We're going out? Where?"

"We're meeting Bobby and one of his friends from church at Antonio's. You like Antonio's. I thought maybe you'd like the chance to show off your new breasts in public. I know I would if they were mine?"

"God Mom. I don't want Bobby to see me like this. He'll laugh. And I sure don't want to his friend to see me."

"Bobby won't laugh Honey. Who do you think gave me Dr. Doyle's name? He's fine with this and he wants you to be happy, just like I do. And as far as his friend goes, so what? He'll never know. He just thinks he's meeting his buddy's girlfriend and her daughter."

"I'm not sure if I did the right thing Mom. I know I'm weird but being a girl is a lot different than just dressing like one. I've never been like a girl for more than a couple hours and now it's been like five days non-stop."

"You need to quit thinking of your self as being 'like a girl' Katie. You are a girl, and very soon you'll be a woman." She leaned in and hugged her new daughter. "I'm so proud of you Katie."

Tears welled in his eyes as he caved under his mother's embrace. "How can you say that Mom? How can you say you're proud of me when I'm such a freak? Look at me. I'm a boy with boobs and they're huge boobs. I'm wearing make-up and smoking cigarettes. How can you say you're proud of me?"

"I'm proud of you because you're my daughter. The cigarettes, the boobs, the make-up and the clothes are all a part of being a woman. Any mother would be pleased and proud to have a daughter like you Katie. Believe me. I know because I've wanted a daughter like you my entire life. I want you to be as happy as you've made me. Will you let me help you to be happy?"

Carol gasped as her chest collapsed under the pressure of her daughter's hug. Katie looked liked a girl but was still as strong as a boy. It was her turn to cry when she heard the words, "I love you Mommy," whispered in her ear.

*****

Katie closed his car door and waited for his mother to come around so they could walk up to restaurant side by side. He finished his cigarette and crushed it on the pavement beneath his sandal. "How do I look," he asked? "Are you sure this purse goes with my dress?"

Carol shook her head. "I told you a hundred times before we left. You look beautiful Katie. You're absolutely stunning. The purse is black and goes with everything. Besides, with that cleavage of yours, you could be carrying a greased pig and no one would notice. Now quit worrying about what you look like and let's have a good time."

Katie stood behind his mother as she checked their reservations with the hostess.

"Mr. Rogers hasn't arrived yet but we can seat you. Follow me."

Carol and Katie followed the hostess as she led them to a booth in the smoking section. "If you'll be seated, I'll have the waiter take your drink order and I'll show Mr. Rogers and his guest to your table as soon as they arrive."

Carol thanked the hostess and took a seat.

"Did you see the way those men in the front were looking at you when we walked in?" asked Carol, as she removed a pack of Virginia Slims and a lighter from her purse.

Katie blushed. "No. I didn't see that and I wouldn't have wanted to either."

"Get used to it Honey. You're a beautiful woman, and how should I say this politely? Your figure is especially striking."

"I'm so nervous," said Katie. "You don't know how weird this is for me. What if they laugh at me?"

"He's not going to laugh Honey. Have a cigarette and calm down."

"What about Bobby?"

"It's OK Sweetheart. He knows you smoke. Go ahead and have a cigarette. It will make you feel better. Besides, don't you want to put on a show for the men?"

Katie removed the cigarettes and lighter from her purse and lit one. His Mom was right. The smoke went a long way toward soothing his pulsating nerves. "What do you mean about putting on a show," he asked?

Carol gave him a look of surprise. "Are you serious? You should know better than anyone. Lots of guys like to see pretty girls smoke. They think it's sexy. Isn't that why you started?"

Katie was puzzled by his mother's question. "I don't know. I don't think I ever thought about it like that. Are you saying I'm not the only the only guy that likes to watch girls smoke?"

Carol laughed. "Of course not Honey. But remember? You're not a guy. The shoe is on the other foot now, so to speak. You're the girl who smokes and guys look at you now. Can't you see? They're looking at you now."

"You mean Bobby likes it when you smoke?"

"Duh," said his mother, sounding like a teen rather than an adult mother.

"I don't get it," said Bobby. "He doesn't even smoke. I thought he was some kind of health nut that ran 50 miles a day and ate trees for breakfast. Doesn't it bother him when he kisses you?"

"Don't believe every thing you see on TV. Sure, smoking bothers some guys, but lots of men find it attractive. Now I want you to do every thing the way we talked about. Remember to keep your cigarette in front of you. It's important to emphasize how you hold it. By holding the cigarette by the filter, it makes your fingers look longer and accentuates your manicure."

"Like this?" asked Katie as he demonstrated his technique.

"Yes. That's perfect!"

Katie took a deep puff from his cigarette, being careful to do as he was taught. "Wow," he said. "This sure is weird. I didn't know girls had so much to learn. I always thought it just came natural to them. I didn't think they really practiced things."

"Well," said Carol. "A lot of things are instinctual. But then again, a lot of things are learned over time which is why you've got some catching up to do."

"Don't look now," said Katie, "But here comes Bobby and his church friend. Are you sure it's OK for me to smoke here? What if it bothers Bobby's friend? I thought church people were kind of weird about things like smoking and drinking."

"I guess we'll find out, won't we?"

Bobby leaned over the table and kissed Carol on the cheek. "Hey girls," he said. "This is my friend I was telling you about." He turned to his companion and said, "George, this is my girlfriend Carol Higgins and her daughter Katie. Girls, this is George Hathaway."

George extended his hand to both ladies and greeted them by name. Bobby sat next to Carol and George sat beside Katie who couldn't help but notice George's eyes following his breasts as he pulled out his chair.

Carol took a deep drag from her cigarette. She smiled when she did so, holding the smoke in her lungs longer than usual before exhaling gracefully toward the ceiling. "I hope our cigarettes aren't troubling you George. Katie and I can put them out if our smoke bothers you."

George laughed and told them that if smoking bothered him, he would have divorced his wife years ago. He told them about his family. He and his wife had a 16-year-old son named Brent who would be a junior next year at Gilmore High School.

"What a coincidence," exclaimed Carol! "Katie's going to Gilmore next year."

"Oh really," asked George? "What subject do you teach? Maybe Brent will be in one of your classes."

Katie blushed. "I'm not a teacher. I'm only 13. I'll be a freshman next year."

George choked on his water. "You're kidding? You're only 13? She's kidding isn't she Bobby?"

It was Bobby's turn to laugh. "She's only 13 George. Girls mature much faster these days."

"You're telling me," said George! "I'm sorry. I don't mean to seem so surprised. But you look much older Katie. I guess the cigarette threw me. You smoke like such an adult. Have you had the habit long?"

When Katie didn't respond immediately, Carol came to his rescue. "The little devil has been sneaking my cigarettes since she was 11. I tried every thing to get her to quit, but girls will be girls. They're in such a hurry to grow up and be women. What can I say, like mother, like daughter," she giggled.

*****

Carol was bursting with silent pride as she watched her daughter blossom during dinner. The shy longhaired boy she had once caught wearing her clothes and sneaking cigarettes was gone. In his place sat Katie, beautiful, elegant, sophisticated and mature.

Katie had passed his first test.

"Excuse me," said George. I probably shouldn't ask, but do you have a boyfriend?"

Katie blushed. Why would a man who was old enough to be his father ask if he had a boyfriend? Was he coming on to him? He was married. He was supposed to be a Christian. Didn't he hear Bobby tell him he was only 13? Just the idea of George or any other guy being attracted to him made him sick to his stomach. But it wouldn't be polite not to answer and Katie knew this.

"No, but I don't think my mom would let me go out with you either. I'm only 13."

It was George's turn to blush. "I'm so sorry," he said. "You must think I'm pervert. I wasn't asking for me. I was asking for my son, Brent."

George took out his wallet and showed Katie a picture of Brent as Katie smiled politely. His mother hadn't taught him how to handle awkward situations and he was winging it. After all, this was Bobby's friend and his mother would be remiss if he offended this guy.

Carol reached across the table for George's wallet. "Oh I just love pictures. Let me have a look."

Thank God, thought Katie. His mother would get him out of this. There was no way she'd let him go out on a date. He'd asked her before, back in his boy days and she had always said no, saying he wasn't old enough to date girls. Well if he was too young to date girls then he was definitely too young to date boys.

"He's a hunk," exclaimed Carol! "Don't you think Brent is cute Katie?"

Katie took a puff of her cigarette and exhaled. "Yeah Mom, he's real cute. But he wouldn't like me. He looks like such an athlete and Mr. Hathaway said he plays football and wrestles. He'd hate me cause I smoke."

"Nonsense," said George. "If any guy didn't want to date you because you smoke then they should have their head examined. If it's OK with your mother, and you of course, why don't the two of you go to Six Flags tomorrow."

Before Katie could say no, his mother told George that it was a wonderful idea. As Katie struggled to keep his food down, his mother and George decided on a time. George was so happy, he insisted on paying for the entire meal. He then told them that he needed to cut out early and apologized.

Bobby followed George with his eyes as he left the restaurant. He then turned to Carol. Katie noticed the perplexed look on his face.

"What in the hell were you thinking Carol? How could you set up Jimmy on a date with my friend's son? Have you gone out of your mind?"

Thankfully a voice of reason had penetrated the madness of his mother's world.

"I didn't set Jimmy up on a date," said Carol. "I set up Katie. I think she and Brent will have a marvelous time."

"But what if he finds out I'm a boy. I can't do this Mom. He'll find out the truth and when he does, he'll beat me to a bloody pulp. Why are you doing this to me? Brent is huge. He'll kill me!"

"Not only that," added Bobby. "George and his family go to my church. I'll be ruined. I'll never be able to show my face again."

Unalarmed by their stress, Carol lit a cigarette and calmly exhaled a stream of smoke. "Well I guess Katie had better be convincing then." She looked at Katie and laid her hand across his. "Don't be scared Honey. This is exactly what you need. Dr. Doyle said so."

"But Mom, I don't want to go out with Brent or any other guy. I thought you understood that."

Carol smiled and gave her daughter an understanding look. "Dr. Doyle said you'd be apprehensive about dating. But she assured me it would be in your best interest and I agree with her. This is for your own good Katie. Like it or not, you're going out with Brent tomorrow.

*****

Katie lay on his bed and stared into the darkness. His mother had lost it. She had turned his thing for women's clothes into a death wish. He had argued with her on the way home from the restaurant but she had refused to budge.

The rules were simple. Pretend to have a good time and don't let Brent discover the truth. Katie cried him self to sleep.

*****

She stood in front of his mom with his hair tied back in ponytail. He was wearing a pair of cut-off jeans and a red halter. For the first time since getting his implants, he felt like an exposed milk cow. "Can't I wear something that doesn't show so much skin," he asked?

"What? And have a heat stroke? It's going to be close to 90 degrees today. Besides you look great. Put this on your waist," she said handing Katie a pink nylon fanny pack. "You don't want a purse getting in your way. You can use this to carry your cigarettes and make-up."

"I don't feel too good," said Katie as he strapped the pack around his waist. "Maybe we should do this another day. I don't want to get sick on the rides."

"Non-sense, you'll be fine. You're just nervous." She stood back and lit a cigarette as she admired her daughter. "I can't believe this. My little girl is going on her first date!"

The doorbell chimed and Katie shuddered. He wanted to crawl under the couch.

"Stay right there," commanded Carol. "Don't move. I'll get the door."

Katie stood his ground as his mother opened the door and greeted Brent.

Carol knew by the look on the young man's face that he wasn't looking forward to taking a 13-year-old girl on a date. He was just following orders from his father. His look of apprehension vanished when he stepped inside and saw Katie. His eyes opened wide and a telltale bulge in his pants appeared. 13 or not, he was smitten by Katie.

Katie smiled at Brent and looked down shyly as his mother had taught him. He wasn't flirting though. He was in fear of his life. Brent looked like a larger version of the boys who had taunted him in middle school. He was a muscle bound jock. Needless to say, Brent was probably the kind of guy wouldn't have given him the time of day if he were meeting him as Jimmy rather than Katie.

He was a good-looking guy, standing six feet tall. He looked to weight at least 180 pounds. His biceps quivered when his arms moved. Katie knew that one false move on his part could cost him his life, or at the least- total humiliation.

Carol helped with the introduction and kissed Katie on the cheek. She warned Brent about driving too fast and told them to have a good time as she closed the door behind them. She rushed to the window and watched approvingly as Brent opened the car door for Katie.

She sighed and took a drag from her cigarette while praying that she was doing the right thing by forcing the date on Katie.

*****

Under normal driving conditions, the ride to Six Flags takes about 30 minutes, but construction on I-285 had slowed traffic to a crawl. Brent was nice enough, but she was so nervous about being with him and it felt like ages since her last cigarette. She looked around the car as he talked about wrestling. Brent looked like a wrestler and Katie would do every thing necessary to avoid his grasp regardless of whether it was loving or hateful.

The ashtray on the car's dash was pulled out, but it was impeccably clean. Apparently Brent didn't allow his mother or anyone else to smoke in his car. Katie fidgeted in his seat as he made up stories of imaginary people he knew to pass the time. He looked out the window at the other cars trapped on the highway. He needed a cigarette. The worse Brent could do was to say was no. And that might not be so bad. Brent didn't look like the kind of guy who appreciated second-hand smoke. The more Katie thought about it, the more she liked the idea. His mother said he had to go on this date. She didn't say Brent and he had to hit it off. It wouldn't be his fault if Brent hated smokers.

"Are you OK," asked Brent? "You're moving around like you have ants in your pants. If you're too cold I can turn the air conditioning down."

"No, it's not that," said Katie. "I just didn't know there would be so much traffic and I really need a cigarette."

"Oh yeah, my dad told me you're a smoker. You're welcome to smoke in my car. I don't mind. My mom smokes so I guess I'm pretty used to it."

"Are you sure you don't mind?" asked Katie as she unzipped her fanny pack and removed a pack of Virginia Slims and a lighter.

He assured him that he didn't mind so Katie lit up. In one way he was relieved to be smoking but in another way he was disappointed that Brent hadn't protested.

"Wow! I can't believe you're only 13," said Brent as he navigated the car through the slow traffic. "You look so much older. When my dad said he wanted me to go out with a 13-year-old girl I freaked. I told him I wasn't a baby sitter. No offense you know, but I'm still freaking. I never knew a 13 year old whose parents let her smoke. Hell I don't know anyone my age whose parents let them do it. I think that's so cool that you're mom knows and she's OK with it."

Katie smiled and exhaled a lungful of smoke. He had never dreamed anyone would ever approve of him smoking cigarettes much less compliment him for it. "My mom's real cool about a lot of things. What are your parents like?"

"They're pretty strict. They'd kill me if they ever caught me smoking. I guess that's why I think it's so cool that you do it. My dad didn't even say anything bad about it when he was telling me about you. It's weird you know. I'm 16- three years older than you, but I feel like you're a grown-up cause you look and act one like one. My dad said he thought you were a teacher when he met you."

Katie laughed. "Yeah, that was pretty funny."

"I'm serious Katie. You're the first girl that smokes that my parents ever let me go out with. I liked a few girls that smoked but I could never ask them out because I knew my parents wouldn't go for it. They're usually real weird about things like that. They're always thinking that people are going to be a bad influence on me or something like that."

"So I guess that means you've never kissed a girl that smokes before, huh?"

Brent blushed. "No, but I always wondered what it would be like. My mom smokes and my dad kisses her all the time so how bad can it be?"

"Real bad," said Katie as he exhaled another lungful of smoke. "I'm surprised your parents are still married. My mom dates a guy named Bobby. He was the guy your dad went to dinner with when he met me. He doesn't smoke and he's always complaining about my mom doing it. He hates to kiss her and he's always trying to get her to quit but she can't because she's addicted and so am I. You'd be a lot better off if you listened to your parents and stuck to girls who didn't smoke."

"I am listening to my parents," said Brent with a shy smile. "And they wanted me to go out with you. My mom even let me borrow one of her lighters so I can light your cigarettes for you in the park, if that's OK with you."

Katie returned Brent's smile. He was so dopey. But he heard himself telling Brent that he would like that.

"Cool!" said Brent. "I've never lit a girl's cigarette before, but I've seen my dad do it for my mom a lot."

Several minutes later Brent was exiting I-20 and turning left on Six Flags Parkway. After parking the car, they caught a tram and rode it to the entrance where Brent paid for their tickets. When they were through the turnstiles, Brent asked him what she wanted to ride first.

"I wouldn't mind riding the Scream Machine," said Katie as he placed a cigarette between his lips and searched the fanny pack for his lighter.

"Here, let me," said Brent as he fumbled with his borrowed lighter.

As Katie accepted his light, a little girl and his parents walked past them. "Look Mommy, that boy is lighting that lady's cigarette like Daddy does for you. Does that mean they're in love."

The mother shushed the little girl and pulled on her arm.

Brent and Katie both blushed. "Thanks for the light," he told Brent as he allowed the smoke to float past his lips.

Brent returned the lighter to his pocket and proudly took Katie's hand as they began their walk through the park. He kept one eye on Katie's breast and the other on all the jealous guys who were leering at them.

Katie's breasts bounced with the rhythm of his steps. He found it took some coordination to smoke, walk and bounce at the same time. He was self-conscious about walking through the park holding a boy's hand. He felt repelled and excited at the same time.

Brent was obviously thrilled to be in his company. And why wouldn't he. He had no idea that Katie was really a boy. As far as Brent was concerned, he was holding hands with the hottest girl in the park. Katie shook his head in disgust as he thought about the ruse. Brent looked so happy just to be with him.

It blew his mind to think he was hanging out with someone like Brent. Any girl in his school would die to go out with him and Katie strongly suspected that was the case at Brent's school as well. He noticed the looks they were getting as they walked through the park holding hands. Even though Katie was really a boy, he knew Brent was good looking and the nasty looks he got from the girls without dates proved his theory. They hated Katie for being with Brent.

Oddly enough he began to loosen up and became almost at peace with the idea of being with Brent. He had never considered himself to be the talkative type but there he was being a chatterbox as they waited in line for the Scream Machine.

So far Brent had been the perfect gentleman. He had lit Katie's cigarettes and held his hand and had hung on every word Katie said. This day was turning out nothing like he had envisioned the night before. He was actually having a good time.

The train pulled up to the gates signifying their turn. Katie got in first and Brent got in beside him. He lifted his arms as Brent reached across his lap for the seat belt. A slight rush went through his head as Brent's elbow touched his breasts. He wondered if Brent had done it on purpose and kind of hoped he had.

Brent pulled down on the metal lap bar trapping them inside the car. The train lurched forward on its track. People screamed and raised their arms. He felt Brent's arm come across his shoulder and pull him close. His arms felt so strong. He wanted to melt and felt foolish for thinking such thoughts. The train began its ascent up the first hill. It's ancient gears clanked and groaned. Katie felt the excitement churning inside him as their car reached the top of the hill.

Katie screamed as their car plunged down the track. His breasts, victims of gravity, bopped him on his face. He screamed and so did Brent whose arm never left his shoulder as the train raced up and down the track. The wind whipped his ponytail causing it to smack against the nape of his neck. The speed of the train, the wind in his face and Brent's heavy arm on his shoulder felt exhilarating. When the train screeched to a halt they were both screaming and laughing with everyone else and once again, Katie felt Brent's elbow brush against his breast as he undid their seatbelt. He also felt his lips against his cheek. It was brief but intentional. He said nothing to discourage him as they got off the train and made their way up the wooden ramp to the pavement.

The rules prohibit smoking in line while waiting for the rides and Katie's lungs were parched and in need of nicotine. He thought about his craving as he reached in the fanny pack for his cigarettes. He was grateful to his mother for insisting he take along two packs for the date. With his mother's encouragement he had become quite a heavy smoker over the past couple days.

Katie looked at Brent playfully as he accepted his light. When the cigarette was lit, he thanked Brent and seductively exhaled in his face. Brent inhaled the cloud of second-hand smoke and kissed Katie directly on the lips. Once again, Katie didn't discourage him. He took Brent's hand and walked along the pavement beside him.

Jimmy Higgins would have been dead meat if he had blown smoke in Brent's face. But he wasn't Jimmy was he? He walked along the pavement with a cigarette in one hand and Brent's hand in his other. Their arms swung in unison as they walked. He was having a great time with Brent and it disturbed him when he thought about it. After all, despite the breasts and clothes, he was still a boy when it was all said and done. He brushed off the thought, telling him self it didn't matter and it wasn't his fault. He hadn't asked Brent out. He had begged his mother not to make him go. But she had forced this on him. He was just trying to make the best of a bad situation.

It was easy to rationalize his behavior as it applied to his situation. However, try as he did, he could not rationalize his feelings. He had to let Brent kiss him but that didn't mean he had to enjoy it or look forward to it. What did that say about him as a person and as a boy? Katie didn't want to think about it.

The hard truth was this. He was having the time of his life. Being with Brent was wonderful! Never had so much attention and respect been lavished upon him. He made Katie feel like a princess. How could something that felt so right be so wrong? Again he found himself trying to brush away the thought and just enjoy his time with Brent.

"Do you want a Teddy Bear," asked Brent?

"What?"

"A Teddy Bear. I'll win you one if you want," he said pointing to something that looked like a big thermometer with a bell on top.

Katie stood back and enjoyed her cigarette as Brent traded a guy $5.00 for a big sledgehammer. He couldn't help but feel proud as he watched Brent's biceps ripple under the weight of the heavy hammer. He gripped it like a baseball bat and swung it up and over his shoulders. The sound of the hammer hitting the board echoed forcefully and disk sailed up the tall vertical measure ringing the bell. He did it two more times and called Katie over to choose a stuffed animal as a souvenir of their day together.

Katie ground the cigarette beneath his sandal and walked up to the display. Brent looked so proud to have won a prize for him. Katie pointed to the pink rabbit with long floppy ears. The guy gave it to Brent who exchanged it with Katie for a kiss that he willingly gave.

The rabbit came with a carabineer clasp and Brent used it to attach the stuffed bunny to the back of Katie's fanny pack. The rabbit bounced against his ass as he walked. It looked strange but it freed his hands to smoke and hold Brent's hand.

Katie had come to understand that Brent was one of those boys his mother had told him about- the kind of guy that gets off on seeing girls smoke. In other words, Brent was a lot like him. He paused and took out another cigarette and allowed Brent to light it for him. The way Brent looked at him when he smoked made him feel sexy and he relished the feeling. He had never felt sexy to another human being in his life. So what if Brent was a guy. That didn't change the feelings he was experiencing and since he had to be here he might as well enjoy it.

It was official. Katie had become a chain-smoker. As fast he could smoke a cigarette, Brent was prepared to light another one for him. It made them both feel very grown up.

As they walked around the park, Katie spotted three boys who looked to be about his age. They were scrawny little losers like him. They were huddled together trying to light their cigarettes with a match but were having trouble with the wind. Guys and girls, both smokers and non-smokers, walked by and made fun of them. Brent, his bully boyfriend was no exception. He called them fags as he walked past them. Fags, thought Katie. That's what he'd think of me if he knew the truth. But it would be so much worse because he kissed me. He thought of all the little kisses Brent had given him that day. They had all been quick pecks for the most part. After all, they were in public. It wouldn't be proper for Brent to rape him with his tongue with all these people around.

"Look over there," said Brent excitedly. "It's the Monster plantation. Wanna go?"

Katie grimaced. The Monster Plantation was Six Flag's version of the tunnel of love. It was a little boat that floated around in the dark giving couples a chance to get it on in a "G" rated kind of orgy.

He finished his cigarette with a deep puff and ground it into the pavement with his heel. "Sure," he said. "I'd love to."

Several minutes later Brent was helping him into the boat. He sat down and put his arm around him. Katie leaned in and nestled his face against his neck. He felt so safe and secure beside him. But more than that, he felt excited. He didn't understand what was coming over him. Maybe it was the hormones. His mother told him the pills would make him emotional. If that were the case he would stop taking them immediately. Today was a day he would do his best not to repeat or remember. And then Brent kissed him on the cheek. But I'll make the best of it, he thought.

The flame of Brent's courage was fanned by the darkness. He squeezed Katie tight and buried his nose in her blonde hair. The smell of smoke clung to her and excited him. He had always had a thing for girls that smoked but had never been this close to one. And never had he been with a girl who looked as good as Katie. The fact that she was only 13 meant nothing when he looked at her breasts. Her breasts he thought. He moved his arm across her shoulders until his hand was on top of her breast. He could palm a basketball but not Katie's massive breasts. But that didn't keep him from trying. He felt her move. Was she trying to get away? His father would have his head if he found out he had behaved less than honorably with the young beauty sitting beside him. But he was thinking with his penis now and he wanted her. He squeezed her breast and drove his tongue into her mouth.

The feel of her massive breast in his hand, the taste of her smoky breath in his mouth. He was kissing an adult woman. She couldn't be 13. The kiss was sloppy and wet. All his years of wondering what it would taste like to kiss a girl that smoked were finally answered. His eyes rolled to the top of his head as he became lost in her smoky kisses. He knew he shouldn't but was powerless over his urges. With one hand still on her breast, he reached around her with his other. When he found her hand, he moved it to his groin. It was wrong but he couldn't help him self.

Katie didn't draw his hand back. He felt it close around Brent's penis. I'm a fag he thought as he rubbed Brent's erection. As disturbing as this thought was, he couldn't remove his hand from Brent's groin nor could he unlock his lips from Brent's mouth. He kissed Brent passionately as he told himself he was just making the best of a bad situation.

*****

It was past seven o'clock when they arrived back at Katie's house. Brent parked the car and walked around to open her door. Katie took his hand and allowed Brent to help him to his feet. They held hands as they walked up to the house.

Katie smiled warmly at Brent and thanked him for the date. He told him that he had had a wonderful time. And then he put his arms around Brent's neck and kissed him passionately one more time before saying goodnight. Brent asked if he could see her again. Without making a promise for a second date, Katie told him to call her and kissed him one more time before going inside, leaving Brent to walk down the drive by himself.

Katie closed the door behind him and leaned against it. His knees were weak. His emotions were in overdrive. His mother was sitting on the couch smoking a cigarette. He wondered if she had peeked at them through the peephole in the door as they were kissing. He was so ashamed of himself.

Carol knew by the look on Katie's face that he had been on an emotional roller coaster. "Come sit down and tell me about it," she said as she patted the couch.

Katie looked up toward the ceiling as he fought back the tears before falling on the couch beside her. He broke down and sobbed uncontrollably on his mother's shoulder. She rubbed him as he cried, telling him to get it all out and he would feel better in a moment. When his sobbing slowed down she offered him a cigarette and he accepted it. They sat on the couch and smoked without talking.

"Why are you crying Katie? Did Brent do something to you?"

Katie shook his head and took a deep drag from his cigarette. He exhaled the smoke slowly, looked at his mom and said, "No, he was perfect."

"Then what's wrong? Didn't you have a good time?"

"I did Mom. I had a great time and that's the problem. He kissed me and I liked it. I feel so gross. I kissed a boy Mom! How sick is that?"

Carol smiled and gently rubbed her daughter's shoulders. "It's not sick at all Honey. It's normal and it's natural."

"No its not! It's not normal at all, and I did more than just kiss him. I touched his penis! He was wearing pants but I still touched it."

"Oh Katie. That's normal too. Your normal and he's normal. He's a guy and you're a girl. I know you don't think of your self as a girl yet, but you are."

"I'm not a girl Mom. I've got breasts but I also have a penis and so does he."

Carol took a deep puff from her Virginia Slim as she contemplated her next words. "OK, lets think about this. You're right. You do have a penis. But tell me, did you want to stick it in Brent today."

"Gross! Of course not. I'm not gay!"

"I didn't say you were Honey. We're just talking. What about Brent's penis? Did you want him to put it in you?"

"I don't know," said Katie. "Maybe. But I didn't think about it like that. It wasn't like I wanted him to fuck me in the ass."

"That's good," said Carol. "It means you're thinking like a girl Honey. It means you're not gay."

"Really? Are you just saying that to make me feel better?"

"I love you Katie. I'd do any thing for you, but if I thought you were gay, I wouldn't have allowed this to go as far as it has. I wouldn't have spent the time or the money. I did this because you're a girl in a boy's body and I'm trying my best to make it right. If I thought you were gay, I would have loved you the same. But I would have helped you come out of the closet- that's all. This is different. Don't you see?"

Katie sniffed, took another puff from her cigarette and crushed it out in the ashtray. "I'm so confused Mom. I don't know what I am."

"But you know how you feel, don't you?"

Katie nodded as he picked up his mother's pack of Virginia Slims from the coffee table and lit one.

"Good," said Carol. "Let's have a mother-daughter talk with just your feelings in mind. Let's talk about your date but we'll talk about it like you're a natural girl. OK?"

"OK," said Katie as he took a deep drag and composed him self.

"You said he kissed you. Let's talk about that. Did he kiss you first or did you kiss him?"

Katie told his mom about how Brent had kissed him several times on the cheek and on the lips but they were like pecks.

She told him that he was using the quick kisses as a way to test the water. "He wanted to see if you'd be receptive to him but he didn't want to risk your rejection."

Carol beamed as Katie described his first real kiss with Brent in the Monster Plantation.

"And you liked it," asked Carol?

"I felt like I was floating Mom. It was like my toes curled. And all these explosions were going off in my head. I didn't want it to end."

"And that's when you touched his penis? When you were on the boat in the Monster Plantation?"

Katie nodded and took a puff from his cigarette.

"I think that's wonderful Katie. I'm so proud of you. Did it feel big?"

Katie smiled at his mother. For some reason his feelings of shame were being replaced with excitement as he thought about touching Brent's penis. "It felt a lot bigger than mine Mom. I know that isn't saying much. But it was so hard. It felt like a rock."

Carol put her hand on Katie's and looked him in the eye. "I think that's so wonderful Katie and I'm so glad you're attracted to him. Maybe someday you will be able to have intercourse with Brent like a real girl, but there are other things you can do before then."

"You mean like giving him a hand job," asked Katie?

"And even more if you'd like," said Carol. "I know you're only 13. But you've heard things and you've probably thought about them too. Do you know about oral sex?"

"Oral sex- like blow jobs," asked Katie?

Carol nodded.

"I don't know Mom. That sounds so gay. I couldn't do that."

"You have to quit thinking of your self as being gay. You're not. You're a woman and someday if you want, we'll fix your body so you'll be able to have sex like a real woman. But the important thing to remember is that in your mind and heart, you're as much of a woman as I am."

"You really think so?"

"I know so Honey. There's nothing wrong with a woman putting a man's penis in her mouth if she really likes him. You like Bent, don't you?"

"I like him a lot Mom."

"Well there you go," said Carol throwing her arms in the air.

"But what if he cums in my mouth? That could happen couldn't it?"

"If you're lucky it will. Bob and I have oral sex all the time and he always cums in my mouth. I love it and so will you! Oh Katie! Don't you just love being a girl? Isn't it wonderful?"