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Well, something happened yesterday that's got me concerned.
See, all week it was really hot, and I kept telling myself I needed a shower, but I kept putting it off, and then finally I got frustrated enough with what I assumed was procrastination, so yesterday afternoon I went to take a shower. But no sooner was I ready to step in the tub that I had what I can only consider a panic attack, and it took me a while to calm myself down enough to try again. I really had to grit my teeth to force myself into the shower, and this is why I'm worried.
I am left with two disturbing questions. The first is, what caused me to freak out so much? and secondly, considering what I've learned about my past since I started trying to process the memories of my rape, am I strong enough to handle another revelation?
Ah, well ...
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Best Panic Attack Ever
The best panic attack I ever had was in a shower. Yes, panic attacks suck. They're horrible terrible moments that strenuously exercise your courage. But this one is the best of the best.
So there I am, getting ready for work. Both room mates already gone for the day. I'm in the shower. I've prepped everything. Brought a clean towel. Have the underwear on the sink. A razor to shave. Everything is there I need to take a shower. Water is a good temp, have shampoo and soap.
Nothing is wrong. A wonderful morning.
I pull the shower curtain aside. I get in. The shower goes for the most part as expected.
I'm clean.
I'm ready to face the day.
BUT WAIT!!!!
How do I get out of the shower...
I can't leave. I can't get out.
I started pacing in the shower, all of two steps, turn around, two more steps, turn around.
For some unknown reason, my brain decided it was a good idea to dump the information on how to get out of a shower from itself.
I'm freaking out, I'm stuck in a shower.
Starting to get dizzy. Starting to hyperventilate.
Can't escape.
Then I get the bright idea to start yelling at my self.
FOCUS, GIRL, FOCUS!!! GET IT TOGETHER!!!
And my brain clicks and goes, just turn off the water, pull the curtain aside, grab your towel, and step out. It's as easy as that.
Fuck you brain... Fuck you.
I then proceeded to have a second panic attack less than ten minutes later while getting dressed.
So yeah, in hindsight this is the funniest panic attack I've ever had the pleasure of existing through.
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Psycho
Have you been watching Psycho again?