First, the fantastic part. A friend from my trans support group had heard I was struggling with feeling ugly, and invited me to come to her house for a bit of a makeover. It was absolutely amazing what difference a pretty blouse, a new hair style, and some lipstick could make. Then she listened to me as I talked about my situation, and helped me with the memories of my rape.
Unfortunately, this led to having a revelation when I got to work - I found myself remembering how I felt during those years, and was a little surprised to discover that I had actually loved my abuser, even while he was turning me into a toy. I started to cry, and wanted to swear at someone, but finally, I remembered another truth - He had been a psychiatrist, so of course he used those skills as part of what he was doing to me, and manipulating me to love him would certainly been a part of things. . That made me feel a little better, but its clear I've still got work to do .....
ah, welll.
Comments
Even if he didn't manipulate you into loving him...
It's not at all uncommon. Unfortunate, but true... The abused often do end up developing an attachment to their abuser. That's why so often abuse cases have to be discovered by another party, because the abused would never come forward on their own, after all, they love him! :(
So don't feel bad about it, it's a perfectly normal thing while in that situation. That you're able to recognize it for what it was now shows how much progress you're making at getting better!
I do think you maybe ought to talk about it next time you go to see your psychiatrist/psychologist though.
Anyways! Glad to hear it about the makeover! Wish I could have something like that happen to me...
And for the latter... You're making it through these things much better than you used to, so just keep on keeping on girl! You can make it yet!
*big hugs*
Abigail Drew.
Love, Hate and Toys
I don't believe in hell. But sometimes I wish I did, even just for people who would do that to a child...
Dot, Abby is right. It's not uncommon at all for abused children and women (and even some men) to feel they love their abuser. Especially if it went on for a long time. And the vast majority of those abusers weren't also psychiatrists misusing their knowledge to help them control their victims. Maybe that's the way we're wired by evolution, a survival mechanism, if we feel we love our long term abuser, that lets us cope easier and put up with the abuse without destroying ourselves or something... I dunno.
I also agree you're probably making great progress if you can remember new things you've forgotten or blocked out. And some of these steps will be painful. Maybe even feel like too much to handle at the time. But you've made it this far. You're strong. Stronger than you may realize.
The makeover sounds nice. Sometimes you need the right person to show you the right things.
Angel Lisa (in cheerleader costume)
Cheering on Team Dorothy
A suggestion
It seems that you still are holding memories of the rape very closely to you. I suggest that you start referring to it as THE rape instead of MY rape so you can become more objective.