a fantastic day, but a tough night

First, the fantastic part. A friend from my trans support group had heard I was struggling with feeling ugly, and invited me to come to her house for a bit of a makeover. It was absolutely amazing what difference a pretty blouse, a new hair style, and some lipstick could make. Then she listened to me as I talked about my situation, and helped me with the memories of my rape.

Unfortunately, this led to having a revelation when I got to work - I found myself remembering how I felt during those years, and was a little surprised to discover that I had actually loved my abuser, even while he was turning me into a toy. I started to cry, and wanted to swear at someone, but finally, I remembered another truth - He had been a psychiatrist, so of course he used those skills as part of what he was doing to me, and manipulating me to love him would certainly been a part of things. . That made me feel a little better, but its clear I've still got work to do .....

ah, welll.