Two of my siblings have been supportive to me to the extent that they tolerate me and don't call me a faggot. Still, neither of them ever get the pronouns right, though my younger brother is trying. I think that both of them just see me as stark raving bongers mad.
So, my older brother lives alone about 100 miles from me. He is an irascable old fart, but he does not do his temper bit with me because he knows that I would cry and leave. I did spend some time with him at thanksgiving for his benefit, not mine and almost got up and left a couple times because of his pronoun problem.
He wants me to go down there at Christmas, and while he is nice enough, I simply don't want to face more of his pseudo acceptance. I have other people in my life who absolutely accept me, so not having him in my life would not hurt me.
So, is there a moral high ground here? Should I just let his stupidity just go just like water going off a duck's back. I don't know what to do.
Gwen
Comments
Relatives
I have one brother who, after many years of friendship, visiting each other on holidays, etc, expressed a desire to kill me. In fact, he wished he had done it 25 years ago so he'd be out of prison and free to pursue his life Apparently, I somehow ruined his life when he was 7....about 53 years ago.
It was easy for me to tell him to stay away, not to contact me and,if he did so I would contact his local police, my local police and the FBI with the emails from 5 years ago.
I feel a hole without him but need to feel safe. I am nowhere near transitioning or anything else. Just living a normal hetero life with a wife and grown kids and grandkids.
You don't need this kind of thing. Spend the holiday with people who respect you. If he doesn't like that, tell him your needs and see if he can meet them on a less emotional day than Christmas.
On Christmas, I only want to be with the ones I love and who care about me. Please think about doing the same
I wonder?
Feeling as you describe him, why would he even want you to visit? I do the family Christmas thing as minimally as possible, mostly out of respect for my mother. When she passes, it will likely be the last time I'll see a couple of relatives. I think the moral high ground here is to take the path of least strife. Spend the holiday with the people who are special in your life. Make them, you (and likely your brother) happy.
KJT
"Being a girl is wonderful and to torture someone into that would be like the exact opposite of what it's like. I don’t know how anyone could act that way." College Girl - poetheather
"Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.”
George Carlin
The solution is easy
Don't go.
Nancy Cole
"You may be what you resolve to be."
T.J. Jackson
Well...
Unless I'm mistaken, how about that you don't celebrate Christmas anymore??
Huggles
Don't alienate your relatives
unless you have to do so to protect yourself, which does not seem to be the case.
On the other hand, in the western world, this is the season to be with your family and friends, people who love and respect you. So do that. If your blood relatives make you feel uncomfortable, or they are uncomfortable with you, it's better that you are not with them, so that everyone can enjoy the holidays. Be with people who are comfortable with you, and with whom you love and respect.
Your siblings may in time become more comfortable and accepting of you, and they may not. Just make sure that you are making an effort to help them become more accepting of you. It is, after all a two way street. Bridges are easy to burn, much harder to build.
So if you aren't going to be with your siblings, be sure to excuse yourself politely. They may be offended anyway, but you have no control over that. The high ground in this case is to take the course that would minimize strife, without trying to take on the emotional baggage of those who cannot see you for who you are.
My thoughts are with you as you consider your choices. God be with you.
Hugs
Carla Ann
Visit only relatives who accept
... that is my opinion. In my case, I don't think there are any I either:
1) Care enough to visit or
2) know they want to get to know me
So in my case, I have not visited any of my relatives for Christmas in 9 years now.
Kim
I have no idea
How to even begin to deal with any of that. My sis says she accepts me and she has the pronoun issue, but it isn't public since we mostly IM. If it were done in front of family who didn't know I would freak. If they did I probly would too.
Despite all my own issues, it does bother me a little that she still calls me her little brother when I never have been that, really. For myself, I figure that's just my hangup.
I think about it after we talk and yeah, it bothers me. I think what your brother is doing would bother me enough to bring it up and have an argument about it if necessary.
Still, my very few holiday memories were at hubby's parents house, having some semblance of a family holiday gathering, and I treasure that. If you have a chance of some decent relationship with your family and even just something of that family gathering, grab it with both hands and hang on!
People die and chances to do it over pass away with the years. I couldn't presume to tell you what to do, just remember, and remember that life is fleeting.
One alternative
You mentioned half way through your blog:
"I have other people in my life who absolutely accept me"
Is it too late to invite yourself over to one of theirs? If you could, you could honestly say to your brother that you're already committed to visiting someone else (just omit the fact that you booked it after his invitation arrived!)
-oOo-
Then perhaps in the new year you could write to your brothers and say that, as much as you love them and you'd like to remain on good terms, their inability to use the correct pronouns is upsetting and could endanger your relations with them. Obviously make the language as non-threatening as possible, while still getting the message across. Some people need things spelled out in black and white for a message to sink home, as for them it causes more long-term impact than verbal communication alone.
--Ben
As the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handers are in their right mind!
Dealing with family
I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters, all anywhere from 17 years to 6 years older then me. They all have the pronoun issue. But they also can't seem to use my legal name either. I changed my name in 2002 and have been fulltime since then.
My parents have the same problem, but they are trying to get it right, especially after my mother witnessed a not so mild break down I had recently, and after I explained how much their continued use of my old name and wrong gender hurt me and how much it made me want to hurt myself.
I don't interact that much with my siblings so I usually let it slide when I do have to talk to them for what ever reason. I see my youngest sister much more often, and I've let her know it really bothers me. She has been getting better, but hasn't taken any action to correct her children who still call me uncle and he.
Christmas has always been a rough time for me. I was raised LDS and our family Christmas traditions always felt oppressive to me. Now I will sometimes go to a family Christmas event, but for the most part I avoid them, and pretty much any family function. They are just too painful for me to deal with.
Michelle
An interesting question.
I am not sentamental in the least and I certainly don't go where I am uncomfortable. I say screw him and his pronouns.
Mea
Either way
You owe it to yourself to do what is best for you at this point. Sometime soon, however, it might be helpful to contact your brothers in some fashion and explain to them in no uncertain terms how much it hurts not to be accepted. You are who you are now, not the person they remember when you were younger, and certainly not who they believe you to be. You define who you are, and it is entirely appropriate for you to say so. If they can't accept that, it's on them, and the consequence of their behavior is that they, not you, will be responsible for any break in the relationship, since it isn't about you rejecting them, but that you cannot handle any further rejection...it's not right. Perhaps an appeal to your younger brother, since you say he's making an effort. Either way, do what is best for you at this time. You already seem to anticipate guilt over not attending, so you probably need to determine what is more stressful for you, as you've already explained elsewhere how difficult it is for you in the midst of strife and discord. And everyone who suggested that you spend time with folks who actually care about you, Gwen, not someone you used to be but who you are now...that advice is absolutely correct. What is upsetting you is that you don't feel accepted by people you care about, and you've already had to deal with that in your life. Take care of yourself first, dear!
She was born for all the wrong reasons but grew up for all the right ones.
Possa Dio riccamente vi benedica, tutto il mio amore, Andrea
Love, Andrea Lena
sad
It's sad that you all can't fully be accepted by you family,and your all have my honest Condolence and prayer.But some of your should also understand that even the most loving parents or other family member could have difficulties understanding it.For them it could be their stupidy and Intolerance,but also could be their shock and fear of unknown.Maybe they are just uneducated about transgenderism,maybe some of your could save and maybe reconnect with you families.Try talking to them,explaining thing about tg,show medical dokumentation,ask for family Psychological Consultation.Or simple with peace and calm tell them all you felings.And if this all will have no effects on them,then how Meaghan Tracey write,screw them!Your are good,intelligent people who deserve true friends who will stand by you no matter what.
It might not be stupidity
But simply habit. These people knew you when you were growing up, so from their earliest years the impression that has formed in their brain is of you as you were at that time. When they think of you, that memory of you supplies the pronoun and out it comes without much filtering along the way.
The fact that you are not there all the time also makes a difference. If you lived with these folk or worked with them every day then they would interact with you sufficiently often that they would soon learn to train their mental image of you to correspond with the way you want it to. Because you don't there is little incentive for the memory to be updated.
Don't automatically assume that because someone says 'he' or 'him' that they are doing it maliciously (although of course some might). More often, it is likely to be due to intellectual laziness.
Penny
Forgiving...
...is always good for the soul - Nelson Mandella.
One has to love to be loved. And, sometimes love hurts. Please, don't let bitterness, disappointment, and heartbreak be a wreckingball for the bridges to those you love and who once loved you.
Womanhood is not for sissies my friends. A woman may have tender emotions, but deeep down she is strong. Use that strength to fortify yourself and to reach out to those you hold dear. Use that strength and your love to break through the barrier of seemingly invincable ignorance that surrounds us. As has been said, life is fleeting and opportunities to make thing better pass all too quickly.
And, that's my two cents worth (all the rest went to a new wardrobe).
Linda Jeffries
Too soon old, too late smart.
Linda Jeffries
Too soon old, too late smart.