OK, so I was up rather late last night watching a wonderful little anime series called Sister Princess, about a boy who fails his high school entrance exam, due to a computer glitch, and is exiled to an island paradise. Upon arrival, he discovers he has a quite large family of sisters (12 in all) he never knew existed. So I was wondering if I could put a spin on the story, and see what would become of it if the characters had been all born male, and as a warped sense of punishment, they had been transformed -- slowly -- by the island into the girls they now were. Here's my take on the story so far. If it garners enough interest, I'll continue.
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It Can't Be True...
Wataru Minakami looked at the test results with horror. There just HAS to be some mistake, he thought. I've NEVER failed at ANYTHING in my life. I LOVE school, and have ALWAYS striven to do my ABSOLUTE BEST. It can't be true...
But the results were in his hand, in black and white. He, Wataru Minakami, was on the fast-track to the best high school in Japan, Nada. In fact, he had already shipped most of his meager belongings to Hyougo Prefecture. He had been looking forward to a brand new life in Kobe -- one that would take him far beyond the boundaries of Kouzushima, the small fishing village of his birth, about 110 miles south of downtown Tokyo.
He had thought his acceptance guaranteed, and didn't even bother trying for any other school. Imagine his surprise when the results were posted on the bulletin board, and his was, sadly, lacking. It can't be true, he repeated to himself. I'll just go to the administrator's office. Surely. he'll be able to fix this...
With renewed confidence, and a spring in his step, Wataru headed down the hall. The administrator's door was ajar, so he lightly knocked before introducing himself.
"Sumimasen, kouchou-sensei," he said, using the most formal honorific he knew to properly address the headmaster.
"Hai. Nani ka irimasu ka?" he asked, before rising.
I bowed before him, and began in English. "There's been a mistake, sir. My name's not on the acceptance list, as it should be. Did something go wrong?"
"Indeed, Wataru-kun. It seems like all your answers on the test were misaligned, forcing the computer to score them incorrectly. As an honors student, you know how critical making accurate marks are."
"Can nothing be done? Perhaps a re-test, Sir?"
"You know the tests are only given out once a year. There's nothing I can do. You'll have to be a ronin, then re-test when the opportunity becomes available next spring."
I bowed again, and quickly left. One thing I DID NOT want to do was have the headmaster (or anyone else for that matter) see me cry. And all because of a stupid computer error...
Wakaru trudged slowly out of the ceremony hall, thinking to himself. Being a ronin meant he would be a year behind all of his classmates. Why, oh why didn't I test for more than one high school? At least then, I wouldn't be in this mess...
Wataru eventually made his way back home. His father, always away on business, had hired a manservant to take care of Wakaru's needs until his graduation -- today. He had never really knew his mother, as Jeeves had always seemed to be there whenever he needed anything -- food, clothing, money, or even a shoulder to cry upon. When he opened the door, Wakaru saw his faithful servant standing in the alcove, with a relieved expression on his face.
"Master Wakaru," he stated, rather good-naturedly. "It's a pleasure to have you back. Congratulations on completing your schooling. Your father has left me explicit instructions for you."
Handing Wakaru a bank card and a map, he began.
Your father sends his regards. He also informed me that on the event of your graduation, I was to give you this bank card. Your trust fund is on it, and every month, one of your father's agents will be depositing a generous stipend on it, to meet your needs -- whatever they may be. The map is to help you find your way around your new home -- Promised Island. These gentlemen will take you to your new home -- and new school. Good luck, Master Wataru. It has been a pleasure serving you."
With that, Jeeves turned to leave, just as two burly gentlemen accosted me. One threw a hastily-packed and overflowing suitcase at me, and they both dragged me to the back of a waiting van. They threw me in the back -- rather roughly -- and soon we were off down the beach highway -- and my new destiny.
~~~---===o.0.O.0.o===---~~~
Thanks to everyone for taking the time to read, possibly like, and, most of all, COMMENT
*Kisses*
Haylee V
Comments
Did You Want Critical Feedback...
...or just whether people would read the story? I'm going to take my chances and give the former.
If I'm reading it right, the set-up here seems counter-productive if the idea is to get him to the island. Turns out the whole computer error thing didn't matter: his father was about to send him away and put him in the island school whether he passed the test or not. After the test glitch, all he's losing seems to be a year of out-of-school time that he didn't want anyway.
FWIW, I didn't feel the computer error part was totally clear: you're saying that he filled out the test paper wrong, rather than someone ineptly or deliberately running it through the computer incorrectly, right? There'd presumably be no reason for his father to have it done intentionally, if he had been set to send Wataru away anyway. And we don't know if Wataru has any enemies capable of sabotaging him, or for that matter whether he has any close friends, but if he did it's reasonably likely we'd have heard about it. We'd know about the enemies because he'd have tried to blame them, at least in his thoughts; we'd know about friends who were going to Nada with him because he'd be conscious of losing them or even disappointing them -- though in what I gather is a hyper-competitive Japanese context, friendship would run a distant second to achievement anyway. In any case, we do know that he was planning on a new start, which would seem to leave friends out of the picture, and it appears from what we're reading that he's a very self-centered individual. (His environment -- no siblings and absent parents -- probably encourages that frame of mind.)
As far as the writing is concerned, you switch from third person to first at least twice. You certainly have a better focus than I can as to which will better suit the rest of the story. But based on what's here, I'm guessing you plan to tell it all (even if it's third person) from Wataru's POV, without giving us any side conversations taking place out of Wataru's presence or silent thoughts about him by the people he's going to meet or people who are trying to manipulate him. If that's the case, using first person might make it seem more immediate, though of course your writing preferences also come into play there and could override that. (It does for me.)
Best, Eric
Sabotage
Eric:
Neither the manga or the anime series make clear just why Wataru ends up on the island. The reader / viewer is left to the assumption that his father holds a position of power, and thus is privy to information others aren't granted - test results are one of them. Also, the manga simply says the test was "misaligned", while the dubbed anime says "mismarked" (perhaps a translation error?) I don't have a reliable Japanese version, so I can't rightly say. I'm taking A LOT of creative license here, but am also trying to remain true to the original premise, which is, unfortunately, light on details. I do appreciate your comments, and hope the end result will be worthy of your time.
*Kisses*
Haylee V
PS: Your comments were EXACTLY what I was looking for. I didn't just want readers. I want readers that can tell me what they like (and especially DON'T like) about my writing. Don't worry about coming off critical -- you didn't.
*Kisses Always*
Haylee V
Go for it.
Um, "dragged" not "drug". (I kept thinking "drugged" as in forcing a chemical into him.) For some reason, I didn't notice the switch between first and third person until the other comment mentioned it. Definitely fix it in revision.
Definitely, go for the story. It does seem to me as if someone sabotaged his test. And having a couple goons forcibly capture him and drive him off? Sounds as if he's being sent off to some kind of WASSP-like wilderness camp, "torturing teens for fun and profit". Is the island paradise a prison of some sort? Maybe the girls weren't originally siblings, but random boys or men sent there originally. They were all turned into sisters. Maybe a reality-shift is involved, including Identity Death?
-- Daphne Xu
Not to give away too much...
...but that's EXACTLY what I had in mind. A sort of quasi-punishment (three of the sisters are there by choice, and thus, were never "transformed" - Aria, Marie, and Haruka). A fourth sister, Chikage, is there for another, much darker purpose. She is also a GG (making the total 4). As for POV / pronoun issues, these WILL be corrected, as soon as I determine just who's POV I'm using to tell the story. (I'm heavily leaning towards third-person omniscient -- an outside narrator that Wataru e-mails frequently, and perhaps the only one who REALLY knows what's going on.) As for dragged / drug, it's really a matter of dialect. Both forms are correct, but the PREFERRED form, like you say, is dragged. Guess my "Southern English" was showing a bit there... LOL. Since Grammarly didn't flag it, I assumed that it was a non-issue. But, as you ARE the more skilled author(ess) here, I'll GLADLY correct it in editing. Thanks for the head's up. And for being your usual, TOTALLY AWESOME self!!!
*Kisses*
Haylee V
*Kisses Always*
Haylee V
*Blush*
*Blush* That was quite flattering. Even though I'm still going *slow* and partly stalled in my BB sequel. So slow at writing, except for the occasional flash or quicky scene. And I seem to be running out of twist endings.
-- Daphne Xu