I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with my brother.

I think I can finally admit I've been jealous of him pretty much my whole life.

As a kid, I wanted to be able to catch up to him in school, to be competitive with him at ping pong, or play the guitar like he did.

And even when we became adults I always felt like I was not as good as him. He managed to overcome his issues and succeed at college, and get a good job as a programmer, while I failed three times to get a higher education and barely managed to get a certificate as a Nurse's Aide.

And the comparison is even worse in terms of our personal lives - he's managed to be with the same woman for more than three decades, while I blew up my marriage and will end my life alone.

I even struggle to call him, because I feel like I'm a burden, that he has spent enough time having to look after me.

All of this is not pretty, but its truth.