I was in room two-eighteen when I first noticed the pain. The girls were sitting in their circle on wooden chairs, spaced about a foot apart. Kayleigh was complaining about some formal event that she’d been dragged to. The other girls were nodding in agreement amongst the discarded classroom filled with old crusty books, stacks of parchment, and the scent of old paper permeating the air. That was when I screamed; not a loud scream, more of a squeak maybe. A small exclamation to match the small pain that had emanated at the base of my pinkie finger, and then extinguished itself just as quickly as it came. The lingering effects of my indignant squeak, however, did not. Kayleigh paused her complaining while Lilliana raised an eye brow at me. Audrey never even looked up from her book.

“Are you feeling well, Lyra?” Calliope asked me. I blinked and looked at her, wondering if the pain had simply been a figment of my imagination. Surely it was! I looked around the circle, all ten girls were regarding me curiously as I swallowed and nodded.

“I’m fine,” I confirmed. “Just…I guess I dozed off for a moment.”

“Do you find me boring, then?” Kayleigh asked me. I looked away in shame. “Should we try pottery instead?”

“No, I-”

“Lyra,” Lilliana said. “Your situation is…likely not ideal. Actually, we’ve never heard of it. Perhaps we ought talk about that.”

“Never heard of…” I trailed off, looking between her and Kayleigh to figure out exactly what was being asked of me. 

“Let us skip the bush rugging,” Kayleigh suggested. “You were born a male, though you are…obviously quite feminine now, and you have been forced to deal with living under the thumb of the most controlling woman any of us have ever heard of short of the High Lady herself. How is it that you deal with that? How does she treat you?”

“Do tell us everything,” Lilliana added. “I am quite curious.”

I froze, not really wanting to say anything, but then remembered that Sheena had essentially given me permission to participate. Finally, after a brief moment of uncomposed silence I told them about my daily routine, up to the nightly inspection where Sheena reviewed the state of my skin, nails, even my teeth. The way she drilled me on etiquette, the way she berated my eating habits. The words began to flow more freely and I noticed Sage giving me an amused, almost satisfied grin as if she were more than pleased with my plight. As I finished, Lilliana gawked at me and Kayleigh shook her head. 

“Lil,” Kayleigh turned to Lilliana. “How often does your sister, mother or…anyone give you a hygiene inspection?”

“Once a fort nite,” Lilliana shrugged. “I don’t need encouragement to stay clean.”

“Right,” Kayleigh nodded, smirking. “That all sounds…positively awful. Is it a lot to deal with then?”

“I…” I opened my mouth to speak, thinking hard on those often- cold nights presenting for Sheena who meticulously inspected my hygiene, taking visual inventory of every fingernail, every bruise, every cut, every single imperfection. The feel of cold slate beneath my feet, my body trembling as she took her time to ensure I was up to her standards. What the hell had happened? How had I gotten into this situation? When had I become so submissive? I struggled to remember a time when I had been assertive; a time before Lyra. My jumbled and fuzzy memories of The Stormveil and Liminality just wouldn’t come into focus. What about the memories before that? I remembered…something. A smell. Lemons? Nothing I could latch onto; every time I caught something, a memory, it slipped away like water rushing down a drain. So finally, I spoke.

“I…”I began again. “I feel like I can’t please her. I feel I’m not enough, that I’ll never be enough. I don’t know a word or phrase to put to it. She’s what I should be but she’s what I can never be and I feel like she puts me in the know of it every time I dip bread in husproot or forget to cut my nails. I…I…I just…I’m not feminine enough for her. Sometimes I don’t even think I’m female. It’s…like I’m pretending, I-”

I stopped speaking as soon as she noticed the expressions of the other girls. Kayleigh looked to Calliope who shrugged with amusement and some of the other girls giggled. I blushed, realizing that I had said something entirely wrong.

“Now that was unexpected,” Kayleigh laughed.

“What was?” I asked defensively, ready to rise from the chair and bolt from the room.

“Even with a male background, you still react like any little sister would in this…situation. You’re more girl than I supposed,” Kayleigh looked to me with an expression that indicated she was more than a little impressed. I relaxed a little. “and regarding such, Sage had dealt with many of the same feelings, though a little less extreme, I would say. Sage?”

Sage looked at me, curling her lip; I watched Calliope raise an eyebrow and then look from her, back to me as she shifted uncomfortably.

“I…” She began. “I became orphaned when…my father was ordered killed by Micah Lavoric, the son of Lord Lavoric, of Axock. I came to Klocby and begged for sanctuary, asylum. The High Lady gave it to me, and allowed me to work in service. But…I am nowhere near the age of majority and it wasn’t too long before a nice family scooped me up, so to speak. I have two older sisters now, both of which…well…I have never…had older siblings and sometimes it is difficult for me to know what they want. When she takes me to the events, I feel like…I’m just sort of there, standing out like a sore thumb and-”

“Events?” I interrupted, and then covered my mouth, disbelieving that I actually interrupted her. Everyone looked at me.

“Little sisters often find themselves dragged to fundraisers or social events,” Kayleigh explained, frowning at me. “the composure and presentation of a little sister is…a status…thing, you understand? No, why must I explain this, surely Sheena has used you as such.”

“No…” I shook my head. “I’ve seen her go to social…things, off campus, but she goes without me…I…I don’t…um…”

“She never takes you with her, to anything?” Lilliana also frowned. I shook my head again. The other girls began to murmur amongst themselves.

“Is…she embarrassed of me?” I asked, a feeling of humiliation began to overtake me. She did love me, right? Was she trying to hide me? The girls looked at one another, Kayleigh shrugged and shook her head.

“Perhaps,” Kayleigh said. “Given your background, she is being considerate of you, and your feelings.”

“Should such be the case,” Lilliana added. “Then you have not felt the full force of her authority. She is holding back.”

“What do you know,” Calliope nudged me. “Your sister truly loves you.”

“Er…does she?” I frowned. “I guess I’m not getting the full experience….”

“Audrey here is getting the full experience,” Another girl jutted a finger at Audrey, who, as per usual was positioned just outside of the circle, her legs crossed beneath her flowing pink and white gown. Her hair was laden with bows and ribbons, the expression on her face could have killed. Her eyes flicked upward momentarily at the girl’s mention, her lower lip curled in disgust and a low growl escaped her throat. “Oh don’t be such, you know I’m just rugging you.”

The girls laughed a bit, looking from one to another with goofy grins on their faces until finally, the meeting returned to order. 

“Do you really find it so hard to believe that someone cares for you?” Calliope laid her hand on mine, I looked to it, then up to meet her eyes.

“I never said that,” I said, my voice suddenly choked.

“You say quite a bit,” Calliope said. “for only seldomly speaking.”

The meeting concluded and I found myself walking through the Octagon with Calliope, my hand in hers, our skirts swishing against one another as we took the fifth hallway, eventually standing on the long walkway heading off of the campus. 

“I don’t know what to do now,” I admitted to her. “I have the day, I think.”

“Which is as well,” Calliope said. “We ought get something to eat.”

“I am hungry…” I admitted as my stomach growled. Calliope laughed as she heard and suddenly pulled me close to her. “I still can’t believe…”

“Believe what?” She asked as I completely failed to finish my sentence. 

“Believe that…you like me…like this, as…”

“You’re a woman to my eyes,” She interjected. “But also to my other senses. Come, I have a surprise for you.”

“A surprise?” I looked her curiously. 

“Yes,” She nodded. “Come, come!”

So I went with her, holding her hand through the winding streets and past the color tapestry of human life that raked along the cobblestones, laughing amongst themselves, shouting out, bustling about with a freedom that I couldn’t imagine. What had I been like in my other life? Before Liminality? Had I been free to do as I wished? What a strange concept it was; the idea of full freedom weighed on me because even now, as I was walking the streets with Calliope, my thoughts wandered back to Sheena. I’d neve truly asked her about leaving the campus but she’d never expressly forbid it, had she? Better to ask forgiveness than permission. An informal but somehow age-old colloquialism crept into my thought as we passed through a square centered by a flowing fountain and another swathe of people. A beggar sat at the fountain, hand outstretched and largely ignored by the passers-by, while in contrast a wealthy merchant tended to his cart opposite the low stone wall encircling the water. People jostled us as we made our way through and eventually Calliope led us up a set of shaky metal stairs, to a door that led to a long hallway lined with more doors.

“Come, come,” She laughed, guiding me down the hall. The guilt began to weigh on me; Sheena had no idea where I was, and as the hallway grew more and more narrow, I never felt farther way from her than I did right now. What was I doing? Where was she taking me? My question was answered as she opened one of the doors, leading into what appeared to be a bedroom. No, a hotel. It was a hotel. Were we in a hotel?

“I rented us this room for the day, though I suppose we’ll just use it for a few hours, at most,” Calliope shrugged. 

“What, what?” I frowned, and then panicked as she pulled me into the room, the door clicking shut behind us.

“Come then,” She laughed. “Don’t play coy with me, the way you kissed me, the other day, we both have the same feelings, don’t deny it!”

“Calliope,” I warned, stepping backward, nearly stumbling over my feet. “I…have feelings but…the rest of me-”

“Oh you think I’m worried about that?” She laughed. “Aye, ‘twill make it even better!”

“Calliope-”

“You, are being ridiculous,” Calliope stepped closer to me, pressing a slim index finger against my chest; I flinched. “Is it then that you want to sit around waiting for your sister or your mother to dictate the dealings of your daily life?”

“Calliope,” I said quietly. “I don’t see a choice.”

“They dictate where we go, what we eat, who we love! I am eighteen years Lyra! Do you think I have not the will to know my own heart by now?” Calliope turned from me and made her way to the other side of the room, her skirt swished against the dilapidated bed as she stood before a soiled glass window overlooking the slums. She gave the scene outside a brief glance before turning back to me, arms folded, a stern look across her face. “and what of you? Will you bend to her whims, loving whom she says for the rest of your life?”

“I’m not going to lie, Calliope,” I said, warningly. “She’s a little scary. But, you know, there’s more happening here than just…her. I’m trying to figure myself out and this…no, I’m sorry Calliope, I can’t.”

“Do you truly hate me so much?”

“I…I don’t hate you!” I practically shouted. Down the hall, my shout was punctuated by the sound of a thud, or maybe a slam, who knew who else was in this motel? “You just…you have to understand, I have…I…I can’t do things because…”

“With me, you mean?” She frowned. “Is it my skin? Do you have Zlitians too?”

“My best friend is a Zlitian,” I scowled. “Don’t even…no. “

“Have I ever said to you, that the way you speak is strange?” She cocked her head at me. “You speak the common tongue, yet you use a dialect that I cannot place. “

“That is hardly important,” I snapped. “I’m not comfortable with my body, Calliope!”

“And why should that be?” She demanded. “A body is a body, is it not?”

“No!” As the words escaped my lips, I realized that I had absolutely no inclination to speak to her further. I scowled and turned on my heel, barging from the room, the door slamming hard against the wall as I stumbled out. The hallway was longer than I remembered; long, gray, worn out wooden doors on each side. Peeling paint, the smell of…good goddess what was that smell? All of the sensations visual and otherwise tore into me as I made my way back down the hall, rushing the way we’d come. How could she? Why did she think she had the right? I could faintly hear her shouting after me as I neared the end of the hall; a muffled voice trying desperately to penetrate the blanket of rage that had enraptured my waking conciousness. 

As I reached the middle of the hall I realized the stairs we’d used to gain entry were supplemental; a narrow wooden stair ran down the center, taking me to a brief landing capped by a wall that had clearly been punched through by some angry hotel patron. I took the corner, my skirt bunched in my hands as I held it away from my feet. Running. Running as fast as I could. How could she do that to me? How?

I sucked in breath after raggedy breath as my feet pounded against the floor. It hurt, badly; the flat black shoes I’d worn with my light green dress were never made for running; they were barely adequate for walking. My toes ground against the stiff fabric while the back of the shoe dug into my heel, threatening, or rather promising to leave an aching sore that would surely blister. 

The stair ended in a nearly empty lobby; a reception desk waited, a lone attendant standing in front of a wooden wall inlaid with vertical mailboxes. He uttered something of a greeting as I blazed past, bashing through the front double doors and onto a dilapidated cobblestone street flanked on either side by decaying, crooked buildings. I looked left, then right. Where should I go? How could I get back? I needed Sheena. I needed her. But wait, wouldn’t she be mad at me? My panic grew as I tried to make a decision. No way was the right way. I had to pick. I had to choose, even if it was wrong. I turned left and bolted beneath an overhang, past a brick facade and nearly stumbled against a ragged beggar, knocking his tin cup across the cobblestones. As I stumbled back, I looked down and a stunted scream escaped my lips; the man’s face was disfigured, two gaping, scarred holes where his eyes should have been. I slipped on the stones, falling backward and tumbling into a barrel-chested man clad in a stained leather jacket. I stumbled backward again, nearly tripping over my feet as the man looked me up and down.

“How much?” He asked me in a gravely voice. I blinked and stepped backward, the panic rising in my chest and invading the entirety of my reality as my head swiveled, looking for an exit. Walls. Walls. Sewer grate. Rushing water, voices, screaming, something tapping. “Now don’t be like that, pretty girl like you doesn’t wander into these slums on purpose! Bet you’re lookin’ to have some fun, I know I am!”

His outstretched hand reached toward me, I screamed and turned on my heel, immediately tripping on the hem of my dress and tumbling forward, slamming against the stones and splashing into a puddle; the stench of putrid water permeated my dress as I flailed and tried to regain my feet. I was vulnerable, I was just…me. There as no Sheena, no Jen, no Calliope; I was out here alone and there was no one to save me. I hadn’t felt like this, so helpless since the day I’d stood naked before Sheena and Kayla. The day I’d made the decision that would change my life forever. I hadn’t been him, I’d never been him, but I didn’t know how not to be him. She’d save me, she’d loved me, and now I’d betrayed her!

I felt a hand grip me from behind, fingers dug into my shoulders as I was jerked backward, thrown onto the cobblestones, my head slamming into the rock. Pain shot and seared through my head as a scream escaped my now bloodied lips. I could feel my arms pinned behind my back as I struggled and screamed.

“Oh do shut the bitch up!” I heard the man growl.

“Aye, don’t fret so,” I heard the voice of a woman. I jerked my head to see her standing there through blurred vision; she was Sheena’s age, maybe a little older. Black hair, soot-soiled face, a white kerchief bound in her hair. “She’ll shut her mouth soon, sure as the fen glows or she’ll be in a world o’ pain. You understand so, right girlie?”

The woman reached forward and patted my face, a twisted grin on her lips as I sobbed and squirmed against the man’s grip. 

“Let me go!” I screamed as I kicked my legs, hitting nothing but air. I barely managed to get another scream out before a fist connected with my jaw and my world blackened before I could get another sound out.

As the world faded and was replaced with the unforgiving embrace of unconsciousness, I felt rough sand rugging against my cheek. I groaned; my body felt stiff; every muscle beneath my skin screamed in agony as my labored breathing went in cadence with the lapping of waves against rocks. I was him again, I could feel it. I could sense it as I opened my eyes to behold the darkness of night. As I managed to crawl up to my knees, I fell back onto my haunches and screamed in pain, my voice barely audible over the pain that was racking my body. I could feel my limbs healing, bones cracking as they snapped back together. A laceration on my left arm fused back together, my twisted ankle snapped into place and I let out a sigh of relief as the pain subsided. 

“No,” I whispered. “I’m not him, I can’t be him, I can’t be here!” 

Was this a memory? Why was I here? 

“I…cannot be him! He’s dead!” I screamed voicelessly. 

“Do you want to be free?” A voice asked me. I started and fell forward, my hands digging into the sand and sharp rocks as I sputtered and coughed. The voice had come from a figure in front of me, walking toward me. Dark, black almost. A shadow. “Well? Would you like to be free?”

Before I could answer, the scene faded, and I found myself lying on a cold floor, my cheek to the stone in a dark room. A cellar maybe?

“Up with you girl!” The woman from before snarled. She was standing over me, the folds of her gray dress swishing about the stones in front of me. “Come come, do not make me right you myself!”

Slowly and carefully, I climbed to my feet, my face felt bruised, my limbs were spent and sore. We were in a small room, a table on the other end placed diagonally to a small fireplace. Orange flames danced and teased the darkness, partially lighting the woman’s face while leaving the other half in darkness; a specter in the darkness.

“What you think we can get for her?” The barrel chested man asked, from behind her. 

“Aye, we’ll sell her to a work house,” The woman nodded as she gripped the side of my face, forcing my mouth open so that she could inspect my teeth. “Should fetch thirty, forty.”

Work house? What was that?

“What you think of that girl?” The woman laughed and then slapped me, open palm. I fell to the floor, sprawling, banking my elbows and letting out a pained shriek. “Aye you’ll spend your days cutting cogs or working on a line. But for now, off with that dress, it’ll fetch a pretty shilling it will!” 

At her insistence, I shrugged out of my green dress and stood there shivering, whimpering in nothing but my shift. The man bound my hands behind my back and threw me to the stones. The woman laughed and planted a kick in my side, pain racked my body as sobs erupted from my mouth. What had I done? She would never find me here, I was going to die and she would never know what happened to me? I was such a worthless sister. As I laid there, shivering, crying, shaking, I felt a hand encircling mine, the fingers interlaced with mine.. I opened my eyes slightly, but no one was there. 

You are brave, A voice said to me. Whose voice? Who was talking? You are brave Lyra Rossi. Stay brave for a while longer.

A while longer. 

A while longer.

“Just let them kill me…”