The Secret Gift By Teek © 2021 Chapter 6 Dad

“Dr. Carol, I have been wearing dresses for a week now. I would love to keep wearing them, but you’re not going to let me, are you?”

“The testing clearly shows that you are a transgender girl,” Dr. Carol stated with a sad expression. “But, you are right. I am going to limit your dress-wearing. Hear me out, please, Suzy. I have sent in a prescription for blockers to stop your male puberty. Fortunately, it hadn’t kicked in too much yet. I will support you wearing whatever clothes you want at home and in the community, except at school. They want more than one appointment before a doctor can say the child can come to school in the opposite gender. I know you want this to go fast but getting society to accept you as female isn’t going to happen quickly.”

“That’s not fair.”

“I agree with you, but just because you still have to be Lewis at school, that doesn’t mean you have to be Lewis at other times. And, I’ll let you in on a little secret, some girls' clothes have a gender-neutral look.”

“What good does that do me?”

“You have to be a kid named Lewis at school for at least the rest of this school year. You can’t wear dresses and skirts to school, but no one said anything about other girl clothes. As long as you wear girl clothes that don’t scream girl, no one will know or complain. I also can’t stop you from telling your friends the truth. We have talked about the consequences of you going public with this. Your parents and I could try to tell you not to do it, but I learned a long time ago that we have no real power to stop you. So, now I will just give you all the information, the positive and negatives, and we will support you in your decision. You’re not a little kid anymore, so you get to make some of these decisions.”

There it was again. I wasn’t so sure this big-kid thing was all that great any longer. There definitely were some advantages to being a little kid.

“Suzy,” Dr. Carol continued. “You already know all too well that not everyone will accept you as a girl, especially if they knew you as a boy.”

“Dad.”

“Yeah,” Dr. Carol confirmed. “He still refuses to accept you as a girl. I have an appointment with him later today to explain the results of this evaluation and the decisions that were made.”

“Should I just go back to being Lewis? Will he come back then?”

“We’ve talked about this, Suzy. There are consequences to every action you take. Yes, pretending to be a boy may get your dad back, but are you prepared to deal with the other consequences of that action? Based on what your mom said, he would push the boy activities on you and probably keep you away from playing with Jilly and Mary. Those are just the things we can speculate he would do based upon his previous actions. We suspect he would push other issues too. Based upon what you have said, that is not what you want. Currently, Suzy, there is no way to get everything.”

We sat there in silence for a few minutes.

“It’s not fair,” I said, looking over at the two dolls on the couch next to me. One was a boy, and one was a girl.

“When there are negatives for both decisions, the best you can do is go with the one that you are the most comfortable with. I’ll ask you again. If no one would complain about your decision, which one would you be?”

I grabbed the girl doll.

“Which one are you on the inside?”

I immediately grabbed the girl doll, “I am Suzy, even if I have to go back to pretending to be Lewis.”

“Remember that,” Dr. Carol remarked with a smile. “Others can force you to present one way or the other. You can choose to present however you want, but who you are on the inside will never change.”

I hugged the girl doll and smiled at the doctor.

“Doc,” I hesitated for a moment before continuing. “Can I ask you some questions?”

“Sure, I told you that you can ask or tell me anything.”

“The testing you did said I was a girl on the inside?”

“It certainly did.”

“If I want to be that girl on the outside, why does it have to be so hard?”

“Oh, Suzy, I am so sorry. I wish it were easier. It would be nice if all you had to do was put on a dress and be yourself, but that is not how the world works. A doctor declared you a boy at birth, and now it is a long and painful process to change that. You found the first pain being your dad rejecting you.”

“But, you’re a doctor. Can’t you just declare me a girl and everything be okay?”

“I will declare you a girl, but that won’t eliminate your problems. It will also take time to convince others that you are a girl.”

We talked some more before Mom was called back in for the last time. An appointment was made to meet with the therapist in two weeks, and I would see Dr. Carol again in one month.

“Mom,” I asked as we drove home? “Will Dad ever come home?”

Mom just kept driving without saying a word.

“I have to stop being Suzy for that to happen, don’t I?”

Again, no answer from mom.

“I miss him, and Jilly really misses him a lot.”

“I know, sweety. I know,” Mom replied. “I have told him that every time I talk to him.”

When we got home, I sat down on the living room couch. Jill tried to get me to play with her, but I ignored her. Finally, Jill just got down on the floor, coloring in one of the coloring books she got for Christmas. Grandma came over and sat down next to me. I snuggled up against her, looking at the Christmas tree.

“Doctor said I have to be a boy at school,” I said without taking my eyes off the tree.

“And how do you feel about that,” Grandma asked?

“I don’t know. If I get to be Suzy at home, I don’t understand why I can’t be Suzy at school. Maybe Dad will be happy that I am forced to pretend I’m a boy most of the day.”

“That isn’t going to make any difference Suzy,” Grandma squeezed me. “Your dad doesn’t want you to be a girl at any time. You pretending to be a boy for part of the day isn’t going to help.”

We sat there in silence for a bit, “Doctor says I can wear girl clothes and still look like a boy.”

“Easy enough to do if you pick the clothes carefully. Do you want some help going through your clothes to find some school outfits?”

Staring up at the star at the top of the tree, “That would be better than getting out the boy clothes in the garage.”

“Come on,” Grandma stood the two of us up. “Let’s go do that now. You have worn dresses every day, but I know you have some other stuff to wear.”

Before going down to my room, I went over to the Santa snow globe. I wound it up and shook it. Listening to the music, I closed my eyes, repeating an action I had done at least once every day since returning home.

“You just made a wish, didn’t you,” Grandma asked? “What did you wish for?”

“Oh nothing,” I said as I turned around and started heading for my room. “Let’s go find some outfits I can wear to school.”

“She wished for Daddy to love her as Suzy,” Jilly said from her coloring position on the floor. “She is hoping Santa’s Christmas magic combined with hers will get Daddy back.”

Coming over and hugging me, “Is that true, Suzy?”

“Figured it couldn’t hurt to try.”

Grandma smiled, “It never hurts to wish on Christmas Magic. Wish away Suzy, wish away.”

Grandma and I went down to my room and started going through all my clothes. We came up with five pairs of pants that weren’t too girly. Tops, however, were harder to find.

“If I tell the kids at school the truth, I could wear some of these tops. They’re girly but not too girly. But, the doctor doesn’t think I should tell anyone, except maybe my closest friends.”

“The doctor may have a point there. Tell you what, tomorrow we can go shopping for girl tops that are more gender-neutral. I’m sure we can get all your friends thinking you are in a Tom Boy stage at school.”

I gave Grandma a weak smile, “Thanks.”

“Suzy,” Mom said, coming into my room. “Grandpa’s back, so Grandma needs to go.”

Waking up in the morning, I smiled as I looked around my bedroom. Dolls, jewelry, cute and fuzzy pillows, along with all the dresses, made it very clear this was a girl’s bedroom. My bedroom! I never thought I would ever have a girl's bedroom. I frowned when I realized that tomorrow, I would have to go back to school and be Lewis again.

I hugged my teddy bear, “Tammy, coming back to this room every day will make tolerating school dressed up as a boy a lot easier.”

I got up and went over to my closet, “Tomorrow, I can’t wear a dress. Yes, Tammy, dresses are so much better than other clothing. I think I will wear this one today.”

After getting dressed, I tucked Tammy and Amanda in so they could go back to sleep. Then I headed to the kitchen for breakfast.

“Morning, Suzy,” Mom said as she brought a cereal box over to the table. “Another dress, I see. You do know that most girls nowadays don’t wear dresses every day?”

“I like them,” I said as I took the cereal and poured some into my bowl. “And if I will never get to wear them again, I might as well enjoy them while I can.”

Mom came up behind me and wrapped her arms around me, “I’ve said you could be yourself. The doctor has said you are a girl and can be yourself. No one is going to take away your dresses.”

“As soon as Dad comes back, they will be gone. He’ll never accept me as Suzy. To him, I will always be Lewis.”

“Your grandparents and I have told him that he is not welcome back in the house until he does accept the truth that you are a girl. Your dresses are safe.”

I didn’t believe her for a second, so I stuck a spoon of cereal in my mouth to avoid saying something I would regret.

“Morning, Mommy. Morning, Suzy,” Jill said as she came into the room, holding on tight to her stuffed koala bear Rosie.

“Morning,” Mom and I said together.

“Daddy coming back today,” Jill asked as she grabbed the cereal box? She had asked that every morning since he left.

Mom squeezed me for a second and then went over to Jill, “Princess, we don’t know when Daddy is coming back. He misses you, but he’s not ready to come back yet.”

Jilly looked over at me. I had seen that sad smile every morning, and it ripped at my heart. She says she doesn’t blame me, but I have trouble believing that when she looks at me that way. Looking at Rosie in her lap, I was concerned. Before Christmas, Rosie spent breakfast on the table next to Jilly and was usually only carried around the house at night and early morning. She is now spending a lot more time being hugged by Jilly throughout the day. When I ask Jilly if I should go back to being Lewis so Daddy would come back, she always says, no. The truth will come out someday, and I fear what that will be.

“What are we doing today,” Jill asked between bites?

“I have to go to work,” Mom said, kissing Jilly on her head and going over to the counter to get her coffee mug. “Grandma and Grandpa are watching you today. I know they are taking Suzy shopping for some school clothes, but I don’t know what else they have planned.”

“I want to go sledding,” Jill declared.

“You will have to ask Grandma and Grandpa,” Mom said, sitting down at the table and smiling at Jilly and me. “Listen, you two. It is the last day of Christmas break, and then things go back to a more normal routine. I want you on your best behavior today. We have leaned on Grandma and Grandpa a lot this last week, so I want you to be extra special good for them today. And no talking them into buying you things. The shopping trip is for Suzy to get some school clothes, and that is it.”

“Yes, Mom,” I responded before looking over at Jilly.

Swallowing her food, Jilly added, “Yes, Mommy.”

After taking a few bites, I looked up at Mom, “Can I get a new coat?”

“What’s wrong with your coat?”

I hesitated, “It’s a boy’s coat.”

“Oh,” Mom said. Looking at her coffee and then up at me, “I don’t know Suzy. I understand why you want a new coat, but we will be short on funds to pay all the bills this month. I can afford for you to get some new school clothes, but coats are expensive. Let’s just stick with the coat you have for this winter since you have to be Lewis at school.”

Money was suddenly an issue in the house. Jilly didn’t seem to understand, but I knew Mom was trying to figure out how to pay all the bills without Dad’s paycheck. I heard her telling Grandpa that she wasn’t sure how she would pay this thing called a mortgage if Dad didn’t come back. Mom was preparing for Dad never coming back, all because of me.

Feeling tears coming, I got up and left my cereal half-eaten. I didn’t want Jilly and Mom to see me crying. By the time I plopped down on my bed, the tears were coming down. When Mom came in, I was curled up on my bed, hugging my teddy.

Mom sat down on my bed and started rubbing my back, “If a new coat means that much to you, I’ll find the money somewhere to get you one.”

“It’s all my fault,” I got out through the sobs. “If I hadn’t put on that dress, we would have enough money for things. We would have Dad. We . . . we . . . we wouldn’t have to move.”

“You heard that? Oh, I’m sorry, sweetie.”

“Are you and Daddy getting a divorce?”

Mom didn’t say anything at first, “No, but we’ve talked about living apart.”

Through my tears, I got out, “Because of me?”

“No, we love you, Suzy. Your Dad and I are just not agreeing on some things at the moment.”

“Me?”

Mom continued to rub my back in silence for a bit, “I love you dearly Suzy. Dad does too. He is just having a hard time adjusting to you being a girl. We decided that he couldn’t live here or see you two until he accepted you. Hopefully, he will come around after listening to what the doctor says, but if he doesn’t, this separation will be more permanent.”

Curled up on my bed, I cried. Mom tried to make me feel better, but it didn’t help. Jilly, at one point, came to the room, and Mom sent her off to play. When Grandma showed up, Mom explained the situation. Grandma took over, rubbing my back so mom could go off to work. Dad wasn’t ever coming back, and it was all my fault. I wasn’t sure how to live with that. Eventually, I stopped crying.

“You want to talk about it,” Grandma asked as I sat up, hugging Tammy tight?

“Not really,” I replied without looking at her. “Not anything to talk about. I caused Mom and Dad to break up. I caused Dad to stay away from us. I’m causing Jilly to need Rosie all the time. I’m . . .”

“Stop right there, young lady,” Grandma forcefully interrupted. “If anyone is to blame, it is my son, your dad. If you don’t want to blame him when he is clearly the one causing all these problems, blame me. I raised him and taught him how to behave and respond to things. Somewhere I screwed up, for when I gave you a Christmas present that was your dearest Christmas wish, I never expected him to react the way he did. I screwed up by not pushing this issue years ago. If you can’t blame your dad, blame me, but you are not to blame for any of this.”

I hugged her, “I could never blame you Grandma. I’ve never received a better Christmas present in my life. You gave me Christmas magic, and . . . and gave me the courage to let others know I was a girl.”

“You’re such a special girl Suzy. None of this is your fault. If you can’t blame me, there is only one person left to blame, your dad.”

I thought about that.

When we finally went out into the living room, we found Grandpa and Jilly playing The Happy Little Unicorn board game.

“Do you want some breakfast while they finish that up,” Grandma asked? “Your mom said you didn’t finish your cereal.”

By the time I finished eating, the game was done. Before we headed out shopping and sledding, I went over to the Santa Snow Globe, wound it up, and made my wish while listening to the music.

We went shopping first. It wasn’t easy to get gender-neutral tops, but we found some. We went by the coats on our way out of the girl's department. I slowed down to look them all over. I just had to feel this purple one with fuzzy stuff at the end of the sleeves and around the hood. Grandma noticed and came back to me.

She let me look it over in silence before saying anything, “It’s a lovely coat.”

“Sure is,” I said without looking up.

“Have you gotten a girl coat yet,” Grandma asked? “I know you wanted one.”

“No, mom can’t afford to get me a new coat.”

Grandma looked at me and then at the coats, “Your father can, though. We will get it, and I will make him pay me back. As I remember correctly, you wanted a complete winter gear collection. Go ahead, pick some out; coat, snow pants, boots, and gloves.”

“But Grandma . . .”

“No Suzy,” Grandma corrected. “Your dad may not accept you, but he will support you whether he likes it or not. So far, he has bought you a doll and now some winter gear. I will make sure that he knows that he got you some very girly things.”

I chuckled, “Grandma, he’s not going to like that.”

“I know. That’s why they are the best things for your dad to pay for,” Grandma said with a smile.

I got that purple coat and a pair of snow pants that matched. I picked out a pair of gloves and some snow boots. Jilly tried to convince me to get a pair of boots with Princesses on them. She seems to think everything is better if it has Disney Princesses or a unicorn. I am glad they didn’t have any in my shoe size, for if they did, I suspect she would have turned on her cute little eight-year-old girl charm and persuaded Grandma to get them for me.

With my new snow gear on, we went sledding down the hill in Jacobs Park. At the top of the hill, Grandpa helped us by giving us a push, so we went faster down the hill. Grandma was at the bottom of the hill cheering us on while she stayed warm drinking hot cocoa out of a thermos. I don’t know how many times we went down the hill, but we had a lot of fun. Jilly liked it the most when the two of us raced down the hill. When Grandpa started to get cold, we left to go home for lunch.

Walking into the house, I heard the music playing from the Santa Snow Globe. Looking into the living room, I saw Dad standing there shaking the Snow Globe.

“Daddy,” Jilly screamed the moment she saw him. Within seconds, she was giving him a big hug.

I stood there frozen in my tracks.

“Hi, Suzy. You look quite beautiful today,” Dad said with a smile, as he held his arms open wanting a hug

A tear came down my face, “Daddy.”