Linda discovers that even a tutor can learn a thing or two;
especially when love is involved
Prélude
Tony backpedaled as fast as he could. The ball jumped off the bat at an angle that sent it flying in the gap, and he was fairly sure it would end up over his head, ending the game with a long hit. He leapt at the last second and came down with the ball like a sno-cone in his mitt. He crashed against the wall. As the ball popped out of the glove he had the presence of mind to use his free hand to catch it before it hit the ground. Three outs...game over...Tigers win….
The Menendez home, Perth Amboy, New Jersey
Tony replayed his dream over and over.
In reality, the ball sailed over his head and the tying and winning runs scored. Ballgame over...Panthers win! He had slammed to the turf on his throwing arm.
He grabbed his sore shoulder. More serious than first suspected, he had torn his rotator cuff when he landed. Tendonitis quickly set in after the operation, and he found he would likely never play with the skill he had, since he couldn't even hit the cutoff man, much less reach home plate. At best, A or AA ball would be something he could shoot for. So he needed to explore other options.
"Oh fuck." Tony said as he looked over the college brochures on his desk. His Mom was trying to encourage him to look into a liberal arts school that might give him a scholarship for his piano playing. The tendonitis in his shoulder remained somewhat painful, but did little to dint his musical skills. Never the less, his Mom had arranged for a tutor of sorts, someone to help him hone the skills he already had. She had gotten the name of a very talented girl in his school who was considered to be on a par with any of the available adults in the area. So he sat in his room, waiting for the girl to arrive. A moment later he heard a soft knock at the door.
"Tony, can you get the door? I've got Skipper in the tub." Laura Menendez called out from the bathroom.
"Okay, Mom," Tony called back and ran from his room to answer the door. Opening it, he found a girl about his age standing on the porch. She wore jeans and a Forest Green sweater over a Canary yellow top. On the porch next to her sat a brown leather briefcase.
"Hi, is this the Menendez house?" The girl asked softly.
"Yes...are you Linda Piontak?" Tony responded with a smile. The girl seemed too quiet to be a tutor; like she was almost afraid of her own shadow.
"Yes," she said, holding out her hand in greeting. Tony had never shaken hands with a girl before. He reached out and shook her hand, feeling as awkward and shy as he thought she might have been only a moment before.
"I'm glad for the opportunity to help you. Is your mother at home? I wanted to thank her." Picking up her case, she smiled while looking past Tony.
"Oh, hello, Linda..." Laura said as she wiped her hands. Skipper, their Sheltie, came running out past her and sat at Linda's feet.
"I'm awfully glad you came; the school recommended you very highly. Thanks for coming on such short notice." Tony looked back at his mother as if to say, "Okay...enough already...leave us alone."
"My pleasure, Mrs. Menendez." This was a girl who would have curtsied if girls still did that. She smiled and looked around the living room, finally finding what she was seeking.
"Oh God! A Steinway Baby Grand? Mrs. Menendez…this is beautiful." Tony failed to see what all the excitement was about. Laura walked over to the piano, beckoning Linda to join her.
"Could I?" Linda was going to be helping Tony hone his already excellent skills, but she felt the need to seek permission to play.
"Of course, go right ahead."
"Thanks," Linda said, sitting down at the bench. She stretched her fingers once, closed her eyes and began to play. Reverie by Debussy played with such deft as Laura had ever seen, even when she had performed before she left the concert circuit to raise a family.
“Oh my, Linda, who taught you how to play like that?” Laura asked when she finished the piece.
“Ummm…no one.” She looked down at the keyboard, embarrassed.
“What do you mean? Are you telling me you taught yourself?” Laura’s eyes widened as Linda nodded.
“My Dad was a concert pianist. I sort of watched him play.” She almost winced, fearing that she wouldn’t be believed. Laura looked at her and smiled.
“He must be superb to produce a talent such as yours, sweetheart. Where does he play?”
“He was killed in Iraq in 2003, when I was ten.” She said which produced a frown from Laura.
Tony looked at her and felt sorry as well. “My dad died in Afghanistan about the same time. Sucks, doesn’t it?”
Tony’s remark was met with, “Tony, what a thing to say…That’s terrible!”
“That’s okay, Mrs. Menendez, I understand…it does…suck.” She bit her tongue to keep from crying. Seven years had done little to heal the pain that the girl still felt.
She smiled.
“He was so good, and he’d wait for me to catch up. He’d play a run and sit back and let me try. He never said ‘that’s wrong, but, here, Lee…’ Linda stopped in mid-sentence. “Umm, he used to call me Lee…” She looked nervously at Tony and his mother but saw no reaction.
“Every day! He never ever turned me away; even when he was practicing for a concert. He’d pick me up and put me on the bench next to him and play and stop…..letting me fill in or play counter-point.” She wiped her face with her sleeve.
“I’m sorry…I miss him so much.” She looked at Tony for sympathy and found little, seeing instead a blank expression; as if someone very hurt dwelt behind the eyes.
“I’m going to go into the family room and read for a while. If you need anything, please don’t hesitate to ask, okay?” Laura said as she stood by the door, leaving the two teens alone.
“Why don’t you play something, okay,” The girl said softly. He looked at her and nodded. Sitting down at the bench, he turned and asked,
“Does it make any difference what I play?”
“I don’t know, you tell me?” She smiled back at him, but her expression was one of almost secrecy rather than agreement. He thought for a second and began to play Chopin’s Polonaise. His fingers flew across the keyboard, every note in place, perfectly in time and nothing missed. As he finished he smiled to himself. He turned to her and she wore a half-frown.
“You don’t really care for Chopin do you?” She looked at the music sitting on the stand.
“Actually, no. I don’t really care for his melodies. Just doesn’t….I don’t know…..” His voice trailed off and he looked down at the keyboard like a child about to be scolded.
“Tony?” Linda seemed almost apologetic in her tone. The two were so tentative toward each other.
“You’re not in trouble. As a matter of fact, your playing is superb.” She smiled at him and looked at the grand instrument sitting before her.
“Then why the frown? You just said I was superb, but your face makes it look like you hated it.”
“Let’s just say I didn’t care for it. Because you didn’t care for it. And I didn’t say you were superb; just that your playing was superb.” She half-frowned again and looked down at her shoes. It was getting difficult already.
“What’s the difference? That doesn’t make any sense.” He shook his head and glared at her. It was getting difficult already.
“The playing was flawless; technically, you’re head and shoulders over almost any pianist I’ve ever heard, much less worked with.” She paused but quickly cut him off and resumed.
“But there’s no heart in your playing. You already told me you don’t like Chopin and it came out in your playing; you made no connection with the instrument or the music.’
“I still don’t understand; if my playing was flawless, then how can it be wrong?” Tony shook his head and wondered what he needed to do to impress her.
“Music is more than just notes. Say for example, you come up in the fifth inning. There are runners on second and third and one out. The time before, same pitcher, same circumstances, but the pitcher …does he pitch to you the same way?”
“No. He’s going to be more aggressive earlier, and more careful later.”
“And do you swing the same way?” She smiled, seeing he was beginning to catch on.
“No, Sometimes I’m less aggressive earlier in the game.” What’s this got to do with me playing piano?
“Well, for one, each time you get up, even if the circumstances seem the same, the pitcher and you the batter are approaching it differently, right?” He nodded and she continued.
“And if you pinch hit, are you thinking the same way as if you started the game?”
“No, I’m thinking contact….just get the run in ‘cause it’s my only chance.”
“So every time it feels differently, right?’ Tony smiled and nodded more enthusiastically.
“Each time you sit at this bench, every time you play, even if you’ve played it a thousand times, it should sound differently. Your run up the keyboard for a rondo should be different every time, since you aren’t the same person who sat at the keyboard the last time. Maybe you’re sad about something that happened that day, and the sad part of the piece touches you. Maybe you hit a triple the day before and you feel more confident. The strength and power of a piece might pick up on your confidence. It’s how you feel at the moment.”
“You said ‘the piece might pick up on my confidence?” What does that mean?"
“Music is organic….it’s alive, and the emotion of the moment plays back and forth between you and the piano…you know….symbiotic?” She smiled and saw he didn’t know what she meant.
“Like a pitcher and catcher on a good day….they work almost as one, right?
“Yeah, in tune almost?” He smiled at the turn of his own phrase.
“That’s how you need to be with the piano. You’re…”
“I’m the pitcher and I decide what pitch to throw?” He smiled.
“No, you’re the catcher. The Piano decides what to play based on the suggestions you make with your fingers. Like a curve instead of a slider; a fastball instead of a curve, right?” Tony nodded again.
“How do you know so much about baseball?” He asked.
“My dad used to take me to the games when I was little. Before….” Her memories of her father, as wonderful as they were, always brought tears to her eyes since they would always be in the past.
“I know. Me too." He absentmindedly put his hand on her arm. She pulled away sharply but said nothing.
“So….what do I need to do?” He asked.
“It’s not as simple as that. First you have to determine if you really want to make a connection with your music. If you can’t or don’t want to, nothing I can say or do will help you become a better musician. Oh you might win a competition or two, but without feeling, your music will be just well-played notes. But if you make a connection….wow!” She smiled at him and continued.
“Watch as I play, okay?” She placed her hands gently on the piano, closed her eyes and began to play Clair de Lune. Her eyelids fluttered and her mouth almost seemed to sing silently as her hands danced gently, almost like a slow waltz. She finished and her hands came to rest on the keyboard almost reverently as her eyes opened as if out of a trance. Tears welled in her eyes as she turned to Tony.
“My dad’s favorite piece. I feel him hold me as I play and it makes the pain hurt less; the loneliness goes away for awhile.” I love this piece, and in a way, it loves me back.” She blinked out a tear and smiled.
“I’ll never play with the technicality that you do. But if you connect? Let’s try something. Okay?”
Tony was becoming mesmerized. Linda wasn’t a beautiful girl in the usual sense of the word, but Tony saw just how much beauty almost exuded from her, like her soapy aroma and the wisp of a few hairs that fell across her eyes.
“I’m going to play that again. Place your hands on mine when I play and see if you can feel the keyboard talking back? You know….the piano responding to me?” He nodded and she turned her head. He looked at her profile and he noticed a slight raise on the bridge of the nose and a scar under her right eye. Idiosyncrasy can be attractive in the right context. He placed his hands on hers and she began playing.
“Right here…in this next stanza…my dad would always turn to me and wink.” As she played it, her hands sent a shudder into his, like a feeling he had never experienced. Unconsciously, he gripped her wrists hard.
“Ow…stop...oh…” She turned her face to meet his and their lips brushed softly before she pulled back.
“I…I think you get the point,” she said nervously as she stood. She smoothed the front of her jeans and turned away, her face turning red.
“Wow…you are good. My mother must be paying a lot for this, huh?
“Oh…um…I’m not being paid.” She said, glad that he had changed the ‘subject.”
“What…you don’t get paid for this? Why not, you’re excellent.”
“Did you get paid this season for playing centerfield?” She tried not to be clever, and even harder not to laugh, succeeding at neither. Her voice was soft and almost like a little girl’s.
“No…I’m in high school…I don’t get paid…I play because…”
“Because you love to, right? Well that’s why I teach piano.” She gathered her music and placed in her briefcase.
“I want you to pick three pieces out of your entire repertoire that you really like. I don’t want you to consider who would want to hear it or what it might do for a judge at a competition. You just play what you like, and we’ll start from there, okay? I want you to play each piece two times a day, and keep a journal.”
“What? Why do I need a journal?” He looked at her the way you look at the kid who reminds the teacher she forgot to assign homework.
“Three pieces twice a day, no playing Sunday. I want you to see if you notice any change, however small in the way you play each piece. Day to day….moment to moment after a while. Okay?”
Tony nodded as she walked slowly to the door. She backed up to the door, paying attention to him as he walked over.
“Thanks for coming by. Hey mom, Linda’s leaving.” Laura came into the living room and walked quickly to Linda, offering her hand. Linda shook it and smiled.
“Thank you for letting me visit. I look forward to working with Tony. He’s quite talented, Mrs. Menendez. She walked out the door and down the steps. As she got to her car, she looked back once at the house and frowned. Blinking back tears she started the car and drove off.
A short while later at Linda's house...
Susan Piontak had just gotten off the phone when Linda came through the front door.
“Laura Menendez just loves you to pieces, dear.” She said as she walked into the living room. She noticed that Linda wasn’t paying attention so she walked over and sat down on the couch, patting the cushion next to her.
“What’s wrong, honey?” Susan asked.
“I don’t want to go back, Mom. I can’t” She grabbed a tissue off the coffee table and blew her nose.
“Did he say something? What did he do?” Susan looked worried, but Linda placed her hand on her mother’s arm.
“Nothing, Mom…He’s really a nice guy.” She turned away and bit her lip. “Too nice.” She shook her head and the tears began to flow once again.
“Please, honey. What did he say?” Susan pled. Linda shook her head once again.
“Mom, I just can’t go back.” She turned her head and looked out the front window.
“He grabbed my wrist.” As soon as she said that she realized how her mother would take what she said and quickly corrected herself.
“No, not like that. You know the exercise I do with the kids, where I have them sense the notes thorough my hands?” Susan nodded.
“Well, after the exercise, he still held my hand. He was just holding my hand and I turned my head. We….we sorta ….kissed.” She put her hand to her mouth, as if she were correcting some wrong.
“That boy kissed you?” Her mother stood up quickly and started to walk to get the phone.
“No…no….Mom….stop…it wasn’t like that at all. I got startled and I turned my head and we bumped lips. Only a second.” She realized what she had said and she looked at her mother as if to plead for forgiveness.
“Oh, baby, it’s alright” Susan sat down again and hugged her daughter.
“I can’t go back. What if he finds out?” She looked down at herself and shook her head.
“Honey, we knew that eventually someone would find out; there was no way we could hide forever.” Susan’s own eyes had filled with tears. She pulled her daughter to her and hugged.
“I know…but….I didn’t want it to happen this way. Mom? He’ll figure it out and then the whole school will know.” She put her face against her mother’s shoulder and sobbed.
“I honestly don't think he'd do that." She said. "The time I talked to him on the phone there was just something about him, honey." She rubbed Linda's back and said,
"I don’t know what’s going to happen, but we’ll get through this.”
“Like I got over Jeff?” Linda said almost bitterly. “It still hurts when I think of it; like it’ll never go away.” She shook her head once again.
“Oh, god, honey, I don’t know. Jeff didn’t mean to hurt you, you know that don’t you?”
“Yes…. But it still hurt. I know he meant well, but we went and got the dress for the dance. He kept telling me I’d look good. Mom…we’ve known each other since fourth grade. I thought….but then he didn't ask me to go. He didn’t like me that way. He didn’t make fun of me, I know, but he still to this day thinks of me…you know.”
“I know. I’m sorry, Linda.”
“Maybe I’m wrong…maybe I should go back to the way things used to be."
“Oh, god, no honey. You’re exactly who you should be. You’re my daughter, and there’ll be no more talk about turning back now.
“Mom, how did you feel when I told you that I felt…well that I wasn’t a boy after all? Did you get upset…we hardly ever talked about this, but I need to know? Do you just put up with me? Am I crazy, Mom?” Her eyes seemed to plead once again.
“If you’re crazy, honey, I am too! You bring me joy every single day.” She smiled.
“But that doesn’t answer my question. What did you think?” Linda was hoping at least for a soft let down. She really couldn’t handle honesty right then, but she wanted so much to know at the same time.
“Of course I was surprised, honey. We…well for the most part; your father and I raised someone we thought was a boy. When you came to me it was…a shock, but once I thought about it I figured you knew how you felt. Maybe if it was another mother’s child I might have felt differently, but I love you."
“So you put up with this because you’re my Mom? Oh god.” She started to weep.
“No, no…..I mean being your Mom helped me understand because I already knew you.”
“What do you think Daddy would have said?” Another question that begged both an answer and no answer at all.
“He would have had a hard time with it. He was a very religious man, and something like this would have made him ask a lot of questions.” She half frowned.
“I hope he would have listened to my answers,” Linda said as she wiped her face with a tissue.
“Oh, no, honey…not you. He would have had a lot of questions to ask himself, you know? And maybe have a conversation with God? I don’t know, but I do know in the end, he would have made it work…it would make sense to him where he could still believe what he believed and still accept you. Your dad was like any other person; he was human and he had his moments, believe me, but he loved you more than anything. You do know that, don’t you?”
“Yes…I just need to know…you know?” Linda looked at her mother, and Susan Piontak looked back at her daughter with as serious a look as she could muster.
“No matter what you have been or ever will become, you are first, last, and always my baby. You are my daughter. Okay?
“Okay.” Linda hugged her mother and got up. She looked at Susan and her eyes pled one last time. Susan picked up her expression and said,
“I’ll call his mother back tomorrow. You’ve got enough to do with all your other students; that’s true enough. Maybe another time, I’ll suggest. By next spring he’ll have another tutor and he’ll have forgotten all about you, okay?’ Susan prayed desperately that she was right.
A few days later…
Tony walked down the hall at the end of fourth period. He had planned on going to guidance to talk about the schools he and his mother looked into, but as he went down C-Hall he noticed Linda coming out of the Music office.
“Hey…Linda…wait up,” he yelled. The noise of the students in the hall may have prevented her from hearing, but it was more likely her desire to fade into the crowd quickly. Tony picked up his pace and reached her just as she was rounding a corner. He grabbed her arm.
“What…oh…hi Tony.” Linda’s face began to turn red.
“I…I just wanted to tell you….well, I’m sorry you can’t work with me anymore.” He half-smiled and let go of her arm.
“I really think you’ve got so much talent, Tony. I think you’d do well with any tutor, and there are a lot of good schools that should take a look at you.”
“Oh, that’s not why I wanted to work with you. You know the other day…I wanted to apologize. I never would….I’m sorry.” He put his head down fast enough not to notice she had lowered her head as well.
“I just wanted you to know that if your schedule ever eases up...well… you know.” He looked up and Linda was smiling but she had tears in her eyes.
“Hey, I’m just as broken up about it as you are, but geez?” He laughed at this own joke, leaving Linda to cry.
“Tony, please. I have to go.” She went to step away but he grabbed her arm again.
“Just tell me you’ll call me if you get more time, okay?” Tony looked into Linda’s eyes and he spotted something he hadn’t noticed before - fear.
“Linda, what’s wrong? Did I say something wrong? Geez, I’m sorry.” Tony put his hand on her arm one last time before she pulled away and ran down the hall. Tony shook his head and walked to his next class wondering what he might have said or done.
A few weeks later…
Tony was playing some jazz improv when his mother walked into the room.
“That yours?” She asked with a smile.
“Yeah,” he said with a frown.
“Still miss her? You barely know the girl.” His mother seemed to dismiss his mood, but he noticed the smile on her face.
“I saw her at the mall today. She was picking up some sheet music at Perkin’s Piano. She didn’t say much but she did say she’s awfully sorry she can’t help you. Mr. Contini in town is a great teacher, hon. I’m sure you can learn from him.” She half-smiled and walked over to the bench where he sat. Rubbing his shoulders, she continued.
“I’m sure if you call her, it might cheer both of you up. At least you can be friends in school. Her mom said that she hasn’t made many friends since they moved here apart from the handful of kids she works with. I’m sure she’d appreciate a call, okay?”
“Mom…I don’t want to start something that isn’t going to go anywhere.” He said to her as he lazily poked at the keyboard. The jazz had morphed quickly into blues.
“So if she can’t be your girlfriend, you can’t be her friend at all? Isn’t that selfish?” She sat down on the bench, pushing him sideways. She began playing a bass line to the tune he was improving.
“Oh come on, mom. It’s not like we’re friends already. I’m sure she can find someone else’s shoulder.” As soon as the words left his mouth he regretted saying them.
“Oh shit, mom, I’m sorry. Can we talk?” She quickly ignored the expletive, since whenever Tony asked to talk, it was serious, and needed her attention.
“Sure, sweetheart. What’s up?”
“I’m worried about me. I think I’m sorta goin’ crazy or something.” He frowned and put his head down.
“Well, we always knew you were crazy, honey. You had to get something else from me besides your good looks.” She laughed and put her hand on his back and continued.
“Sounds like something really serious.” She patted his back. “Let me set the mood, okay.” She teased as she began playing an improv in a minor key, like a theme from a movie. He laughed and sat up.
“Come on, I’m serious. This is serious. Maybe the most serious talk we’ve ever had.” He half-frowned and shook his head.
“Is it okay for me to like boys?” He said it almost as if it were the worst thing to be or do, which he was convinced it might be.
“You mean like ….really like them? I suppose it would depend on you, wouldn’t it?” She continued playing softly and went on.
“If you like boys but you don’t think it’s right, you probably need to think about why you think it’s wrong. But if you like boys and it’s okay, then it’s more how you deal with other people’s opinion. Either way, it’s a very important question, and I’m sorry I teased.” She stopped playing and hugged him before continuing.
“But I have a question for you, okay?”
“Suu…sure. What?” Tony winced, wondering if he had just lost his mother’s respect. In fact, her pride in her son grew as she saw his heart. He wasn’t asking for himself alone.
“The way you acted when you found out Linda couldn’t continue teaching you; I thought you had it bad. Like with Nancy Vitrone last summer, you know? I don’t mind or not mind about who you like, as long as you’re kind and considerate. But I just thought that you liked girls, you know?” She leaned over and looked into his eyes.
“Well, that’s the thing mom…I do like girls…a lot. It’s just. Oh fuck.” This time she didn’t ignore the expletive. The look on her face evoked his sheepish,
“Sorry,” accompanied by a shrug. He continued.
“Linda is like nobody else I’ve ever met, Mom. She’s sweet and smart and really...nice, you know?”
“I know, Tony. Something about her makes you feel special.” She smiled, remembering Tony’s dad.
“Well, she is special, but I…oh fuck.” This time Laura looked at him, realizing this was more serious than she first suspected.
“What’s wrong, honey?” She asked with the look that only a concerned sympathetic mother could manage.
“I….I think Linda……” He bit his lip. He didn’t want to be right about this…He was torn enough, and another dimension to an already painful feeling was something he didn’t need. But he said it anyway.
“I think Linda is a boy.” It didn’t feel great, but it felt better than not talking.
“Oh, gosh honey. Why would you think that?” She wasn’t discounting what he said. Something about Linda seemed different to her as well; not bad or strange or wrong…just different. She wanted to hear her son because at that moment it was more about him and his conflict.
“I don’t know…something about her face maybe….the way she talks…not what she says, but her voice…it doesn’t…oh fuck I don’t know. Am I fucking crazy? Am I gay?” His eyes started to mist.
“Why would you say that, honey?” Again, she wasn’t looking to judge or analyze her son; only to have him voice his heart.
“Be….because…I still like her. Even after knowing she might be a boy…I like her...a lot.”
“Okay…that makes sense….that you’d wonder…if that is the case, honey.” She rubbed his back and tilted her head in thought.
“Well, I know you’re no more crazy than most people, so no…you’re not crazy.” She smiled at him.
“As far as gay? Do you like labels? Is that something we taught you?” "We" being her and Tony Sr. She always included him in their talks, since she felt his presence every day, and his memory was always in the back of both of their minds.
“No…I just didn’t want to disappoint you. You know?” He wiped his nose with his sleeve.
“Honey, you could never disappoint me…no matter what. But who and what you are isn’t a matter of pleasing or disappointing me. That’s what you have to determine; it's not my call, sweetheart.”
“I don’t understand? I thought you…I don’t know what to think.” He looked at her with pleading eyes.
“Who you are isn’t up to me honey. You may have gotten your dad’s and my genes, babe, but who you are to become is up to you and God I suppose”
Tony looked at his mother and sighed. She could feel the tension leaving his body as she rubbed his back.
“So the question you have to ask yourself is this: Not what is Linda, but who is she, and is she a friend and a good person and someone you want to be with, no matter what may or may not happen between you. Can you be her friend?”
“I think so…yes.“ Tony smiled at his mother. He looked at the keyboard. He began playing a familiar tune, one of his Mom’s favorites. After a few bars, his mother joined in and began singing.
“The best is yet to come…come the day you’re mine.” She smiled, knowing in her heart that somewhere her husband was smiling as well.
A few days later at school…
Tony walked down the hall. He had just talked to the baseball coach. They finally both admitted what everyone feared all along. Tony wouldn’t be playing on the team this season, or his senior year for that matter. No arm and no power equaled little opportunity. He had thrown himself into his music almost maniacally, however, as a sort of compensation. Mr. Contini was very helpful, and Tony had offers from six schools for a full scholarship based on his audition tapes and his competition successes.
“Hi Tony” He looked up and found that Linda was standing in the hallway. Her face was a welcome sight; even after being considered for admission into several schools, he still remained disappointed about having to set aside baseball, and he could use a friend.
“Do you have any time to talk?” Tony looked at her and nodded with a slight smile.
“Sure…I’ve been trying to get a hold of you to talk as well. Let’s go outside. I’m not hungry so missing lunch isn’t a big deal” He smiled and held the door open to the courtyard next to the cafeteria.
“I’ve been wanting to talk to you ever since you said we couldn’t work together.” Tony tried to smile, but his frown was too hard to conceal.
“I know…Me too. I’m sorry, but I was afraid if I talked to you in person, I might….” Just the thought of it made her eyes mist up.
“Look…I know we don’t know each other all that much, but maybe you and I could be friends?” Tony looked into her eyes, searching for some answer regarding her withdrawal.
“My mom says she thinks I can trust you. I’m not sure, but I’ve got to trust someone. I’m begging you…please…” She began to cry. He went to put his hand on his arm but she pulled away.
“Oh god…I can’t. I just can’t.” She pushed past him and ran into the cafeteria. He went to follow her but his path was blocked by two girls walking into the courtyard. By the time he got past them, Linda had disappeared.
“Oh fuck. Son of a bitch,” He muttered to himself as he stepped into a near-empty hallway.
Linda's...
“Oh Mom…I screwed up big time…Mom?” Linda walked into the kitchen just as her mother came up the cellar stairs, carrying a box of canning jars.
“Linda, honey, what’s wrong?” She pulled her daughter and hugged her tight. Linda began to cry; Susan could feel the sobs shaking the girl.
“I was going to tell him, but I couldn’t…I was so afraid. I just wanted to be honest, but I can’t…he’ll hate me. I couldn’t bear that!” She wept.
“I know this is so hard for you, honey, but if you want to be a friend, you’ll have to be honest, even if it hurts. I know you can’t tell everybody…maybe hardly anyone at all, but something inside me tells me you can trust him.” She stroked her daughter’s hair and continued.
“But I’m not going to force the issue. Maybe the time just isn’t right? Let it go for now, honey.” She continued to hold Linda in her arms. She squeezed Linda’s shoulder and pulled back.
“Let’s just have a girl’s night in, okay…maybe watch a movie? I’ll order something from Thai Palace.” She smiled and went to walk to the phone when the doorbell rang.
“Well, that’s awfully fast service.” She laughed as she walked to the door. Opening it she found Tony Menendez standing on the front porch. Laura stood behind him.
“Hi, Mrs. Piontak, is Linda home?” Tony asked.
“Yes, she’s in the kitchen. Hi Laura, how are you?” She smiled and welcomed a hug from Tony’s mom.
“Just great Susan. I hope we’re not intruding.” She smiled awkwardly
“Oh, gosh no…come in. We were going to order out for Thai. Like to join us?” Linda heard her mother and was going to rush out to stop her when Tony walked into the kitchen.
“We didn’t quite finish our talk. I think I need to say something. After I finish I expect you’ll either say I’m the nicest guy you ever met or you’ll hit me hard enough that my mom will feel it!” He laughed, which she took as a pause. She went to speak but he interrupted her.
“No, I’m sorry, but let me finish. If I don’t say this, I’ll never get it out, okay?” She nodded nervously, her eyes still filled with tears from before.
“I like you…a lot. Probably more than any girl I’ve ever met.” He paused to collect his thoughts and she spoke.
“No, Tony…you can’t…you don’t know everything about me. I’m sorry, but it’s true.” She bit her lip and looked under the pass-through into the living room where her mother and Mrs. Menendez were talking. Susan looked back and smiled, as if to say “It’s going to be okay.” What surprised her was Laura Menendez’s nod and smile. She turned and Tony was smiling with tears in his eyes.
“I had already thought how special you were when you first played Debussy. You really started to become important to me, but when I put my hand on yours…when I felt the emotion of your playing, that was it.” He smiled again, relieved that he had gotten that far.
“I know you respect my talent and my gift to teach. If I felt I could help, I would have continued, but I’d just get in the way of your progress. I can’t teach you.”
“That’s okay. I’m all set for school. If you feel you want to or you can find the time, okay, but that’s not why I’m here.” He turned and looked out the kitchen door window, afraid he wouldn’t get out the next part if he had to face her.
“Then what? You want to be friends? You can’t be friends with me, Tony. I’m a freak. You can’t be friends with a freak, Tony, it’s not fair to you and it would hurt me too much.” She was going to walk out of the kitchen, but Tony blocked her way.
“Linda…I know. I didn’t know right away, but I know now. And it doesn’t matter. You’re not a freak. Stop saying that ‘cause it isn’t true.” He grabbed her softly by the shoulders and looked her straight in the eyes.
“Let me go, Tony. I can’t do this. I just can’t. You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into.” She shook her head and went to pull away. He held her softly but firmly.
“I know you’re a boy…okay? Oh…shit…not a boy, but you were a boy…I don’t know how to say it, but no matter…it doesn’t matter to me. I want to be a friend to you.” She looked at him and shook her head.
“No…no.no.no.no. You can’t. I’m ….”
“You’re Linda Piontak and you’re my friend…no matter what, okay?” He looked at her once again and back through the doorway to his mother. She smiled and she had tears in her eyes, matched by Susan as well. He hadn’t planned anything other than wanting to encourage her, but her tears helped him make up his mind.
“It’s okay, Linda. It’s okay.” He leaned close and kissed her. His second real kiss ever, not counting the accidental kiss they had before. Nancy Vitrone was pretty and very popular, but that kiss was selfish and meant nothing beyond the moment. This was entirely different; innocent and sweet with someone he cared about.
“No…noo...mm…mmm….ohh.”
She kissed him back softly and tentatively, her first kiss ever. She surrendered to the moment, and relaxed in his arms. A few seconds later she pulled away from him suddenly. She looked into his eyes, not fearful, but calm, and she began to weep; not out of shame or embarrassment, but out of finally feeling that she was not a freak...that she actually belonged. Laura heard the sobbing and went to walk into the kitchen, but Susan grabbed her arm and shook her head. They looked at the tender scene playing out in the other room and smiled at each other and nodded.
“It’s alright” Tony said, over and over, while holding the sobbing girl. She put her head on his shoulder and soon her sobs were replaced by peaceful silence.
“It’s alright,” he said again as he stroked her hair. He looked at her and smiled, finally feeling secure and peaceful himself.
“Yep...It’s alright.”
of Linda Piontak
Linda learns that life and music sometime collide when love is involved
The following year in the hallway by the school gym…
"Hey, Menendez...wait up." Coach Taliaferro called out from the gym doorway. Tony turned and stopped.
"Have you thought about coming out for the team?" He smiled and patted Tony on the back.
"I haven't given it a thought since I blew out my shoulder." Tony felt a twinge in his arm, but it was more out of memory than actual pain.
"Oh, I remember. We missed you last season, but hey, another year of healing, right? Besides, I wasn't thinking about the outfield. You're at least four inches taller, and we could use a first baseman. Maybe if you get noticed, those scholarships could reappear. You never know."
"Sounds tempting, but I've sorta moved on." He held up the sheet music in his hand.
"Yeah, I heard you played piano," he said and shook his head, as if Tony had admitted to being from another planet. There was nothing wrong with Coach's preoccupation with sports; it was his livelihood and his gifting as well. But being obsessed with sports did leave him unable to understand just how important music was to Tony.
"Well...just promise me you'll at least think about it, okay?" He patted Tony on the back once more before walking back down the hall. Tony stood there for a few moments thinking about what Coach had just offered. A soft voice interrupted his train of thought.
"Excuse me, can you tell me where the guidance office is?" A blonde haired girl stood eye to eye with him, leaving Tony more than a bit distracted.
"Ah...emmm... yes. It's just down the hall, make a right and then another left and ..." He saw the girl staring down the hall looking past the mob of students.
"Why don't I just take you there?" He looked at her, and she looked back with an appreciative smile.
"Thank you." She grabbed his arm as if he were escorting her to the ball. They walked down the hallway and wended their way through the crowd, finally arriving at guidance moments later. Almost as if in a Disney Channel "Original" movie, she squeezed his hand and once again looked into his eyes.
"I'm Ashley...Ashley Delgrosso. And you are?" Her smile and voice were disarming, causing him to say...
"Ashley....oh...I'm Tony...Tony Menendez."
"Well thanks again, Tony." She squeezed his arm and smiled. "You play sports?"
"Oh..nnnn...yes..I...I'm on the baseball team."
"Well, I play softball...maybe I'll see you out on the field?" She punched him in the arm playfully before rushing into the open office door.
"Ashley...." He muttered to himself before hurrying to his class.
And across the hall in the alcove of the science lab, Linda Piontak stood, crying softly to herself.
A few days later, at the Piontak house:..
The phone rang and Linda thought of ignoring it as she turned the page to the Firefly novel she was reading. She struggled with her concentration, but the events of the other day kept playing back in her mind over and over.
“Honey, can you get that? I’ve got my hands full with the laundry down here.” Her mother’s voice echoed up the stairwell from the basement.
“Sure thing.” She grabbed the phone. Tony was on the other end.
“You can’t make it tonight? Are you okay? Nancy Radler got that flu so bad that she had to go to the hospital…what?" Linda shook her head.
“What do you mean you can’t come over for practice? Tony? The audition for Julliard is in three weeks?” Linda couldn’t believe what she was hearing.
“Not going to the audition. Tony? What? You can’t be serious.” She shook her head once again. Her mother was just coming up from the basement and noticed her on the phone.
“Tony?” she mouthed and Linda nodded, but her expression was almost one of panic.
“I don’t understand? How about tomorrow?” Her face twisted into a worried frown.
“Oh…Okay…if that’s how you feel about it. Bye.” Her last words were drowned out by the dial tone.
“What was that all about?” Her mother looked at her with concern.
“Tony isn’t going to audition for Julliard. He says that he doesn’t feel ready. God, mom, he could blow everybody off the stage without even practiciing. What’s his problem?”
“I don’t know, honey. I agree with you about his talent, but you know he’s been hot and cold when it comes to commitment. Remember what I told you my old piano teacher used to say?”
“Yeah, I remember…you never let me forget.” Linda laughed and her mother smiled
“Eef your practis ist mohr impohrtant to me den it ist to you, den ve haff a problem, Ja?” She said, imitating Herr Hoffmeier’s accent.
“Honey, Julliard means so much more to you than it does to him. I’m sorry, but that’s the way it’s been all along.” She half-frowned.
“But, Mom, he’s so talented. It seems like such a waste.” Linda began to tear up.
“Honey…there’s something else going on. Tony’s backed out of things before and always come around. This is about something else, right?” Her mother smiled at her with a look that said, “It’s okay, I know you need to cry.”
“Oh, mom…” Linda ran to her mother and threw herself into her arms. She began to sob.
“Ssaaw him….wi.iith a…nother….girrrll.” She buried her face in her mother’s sweater.
“Oh…honey….” She wanted to add, “Are you sure?” but thought better of it.
“Hee…heee…and….she were…..too-tooo=-ggeeh-therr.” Her mother had learned Lindaspeak long ago when her daughter first came to her with her ‘issues,’ and that much of what she said when she cried needed time to settle before asking a lot of questions.
“Hee’s playing….baaase….bawll …..” Her mother frowned, this time with more than a little bit of anger.
“I know, honey, I know.” She actually felt as helpless as Linda, recalling a time when she failed to talk Ted out of joining the Reserves. She still felt guilty after all those years, raising her daughter by herself after Ted was killed. Tears came to her eyes as well.
“I know.” She said again as she stroked Linda’s hair.
“I knnow it’s bee…because she’s a rrree…” Her mother quickly cut her off.
“Linda Marie Piontak, don’t you dare say it! Don’t you even think it!” She shook her head, but Linda blurted it out anyway.
“She’s a real girl, mom….a rrr…” Linda once again melted into her mother’s sweater, her heart broken in two by lies and guilt and shame no child should ever have to bear.
“That will be enough. You are my daughter. There is nothing, absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are perfect to me, and you are a girl in every way that is important….” Susan began to cry on her daughters head as she kissed her hair.
The Following Week at Menendez house…
“Gee, Susan, this was a great idea." Linda had stayed home and Tony was out with some friends from the baseball team. Laura sat on the couch next to Susan, bottle of Shiraz in one hand and a piece of broccoli and spinach pizza in the other. “More?” She held the bottle up almost above her head, laughing a bit more than what she was used to.
“Absolutely, my dear!” Susan held out her glass and Laura filled it almost to overflowing. The two smiled as Susan clinked the bottle with her glass.
“To friendship!’ Susan smiled and took a sip of her wine. Her face quickly turned to a half-frown.
“I don’t know what’s up with Tony, honey. I thought he and Linda….well, you know?” Laura shook her head.
“It’s that damn stupid baseball again.” She couldn’t hide her feelings. It makes me so angry that he was just about ready to move on….he had an audition with Julliard and that coach comes and pulls him back. I mean…how many kids play baseball? And how many kids can get an audition to Julliard? You know?”
“Linda saw him with another girl.” Susan didn’t want Laura to feel bad, but she felt she had to talk with someone.
“Oh, yeah…that Delgrosso girl…She’s okay, but that’s all he talks about. It’s like he just forgotten everything important. I’m so sorry.” She shrugged and poured herself another glass of wine before putting the bottle down.
“She thinks he’s…well because the other girl is a…” Susan could hardly speak the words, but she didn’t have to.
“A real girl? Oh come on, Susan, Tony isn’t like that and we both know it. He loves Linda.” Laura shook her head defensively.
“He picked an awful way to show it then. He hasn’t called her in over a week and he’s blown off practice twice in ten days. If he’s not avoiding her he’s doing an awful good imitation.” Susan grew angry but quickly realized her anger was directed toward the wrong person.
“I’m sorry. It’s just that since Ted died, it’s been so hard on both of us. Then her gender thing came up and everything got so much more fucking complicated. It breaks my heart.”
“You’re upset with her because she wants to be a girl?” Laura looked at her with her eyes widening in surprise.
“No, no….” Susan shook her head. “It breaks my heart that she had to lose Ted….her dad…you know what I mean, right?” Laura peered at her and put her head down.
“Yeah…I know…more than I can ever say…I know.” Susan put her hand on Laura’s arm, and was surprised to see Laura pull away. She picked up a pillow from the couch and hugged it like a doll.
“Laura, honey…I’m sorry. I know it’s been just as hard on you.” She went to put her hand on Laura’s arm once again and was met with the same reaction.
“If I tell you this…you have to promise me you won’t say a word…not a fucking word.” Susan was surprised at what she mistook for anger.
“Sh…sure. Of course not.” Laura looked into her eyes, almost seeking some proof of sincerity. Satisfied, she spoke.
“Back before I was married to Tony, just before I finished college, you know? I had someone I loved very much. Thought we were going to be together forever, you know?” Susan remembered her husband Ted and nodded in understanding; at least she thought she understood.
“Her name was Carol….Carol Mangini. Music major just like me. She played the cello.” Laura’s eyes began to mist.
“She…of course there was no marriage for us back then…she wanted to live together and I was afraid even though I loved her so much. She was so hurt…she stormed out of the dorm and got in her car…..” Laura started to sob. Susan felt helpless but she pulled Laura close and held her even as the woman continued.
“Interstate…went off the road..…gone...” Laura collapsed in Susan’s arms.
“Met …Tony…he knew…didn’t care….Loved me….” Laura stopped crying long enough to look into Susan’s eyes.
“How do you manage…I’m so lonely…I feel so ashamed…so…“ As Laura wept, Susan patted her back. She kissed the woman, her friend…a sister almost… on her forehead.
“Shhhh….shhhh…..holding you….it’s okay, honey….it’s okay….shhhhh…”
Laura continued to cry as Susan rocked her in her arms. She continued to kiss Laura’s forehead when Laura turned to look at her and their lips met. Laura’s eyes widened from surprise and embarrassment. Susan looked at her and smiled, her own eyes filled with tears as she kissed Laura again. This time neither woman pulled away and they both gave into the moment. Whether it was the wine or the years of loneliness they both felt, neither could say later, but right then love blossomed and two hearts began to knit together.
A few days later at the High School Music Office…
“Excuse me, Miss Washington? Mr. Frazetta said you needed to see me?” Linda stood in the office doorway as Miss Washington sat at her desk. She held out her hand holding up her index finger, as if to ask for another minute.
“Oh, yes Walt. That’s just great…thank you! I’ll tell her right away.” She hung up the phone and swiveled her chair to face Linda.
“Linda…I’m so glad I caught you before you left for the day. I just got off the phone with a friend of mine. He’s the director of a new program at Julliard. As you know, and I’m so sorry, but they felt your audition last week just wasn’t what they were looking for.” Linda put her head down. She wasn’t surprised, but even then being turned down by Julliard remained disappointing.
“Oh, honey…no…listen…Walt is the head of a pilot program that is designed to groom students that show promise as instructors. He watched you last month when you were teaching the class when Ida Davis was out sick. He was so impressed that he contacted me. I told him how good you are.” She smiled and Linda just stared. Even if she was accepted, the cost was prohibitive. She put her head down once again, feeling discouraged.
“Honey, the program is paid for…full scholarship for the candidate. And after we talked, Walt agreed you’re the one who deserves to be there.” You’d have to provide your room and board, but this is a good start.” Miss Washington seemed to grin, causing Linda to tilt her head in a silent question.
“Honey…I’m sorry, but we have to be honest here. They’d likely have found out about your…condition” May Washington winced at the word, but she kept speaking.
“You said not to hold anything back, so they know that you’re transgender, honey.” She smiled even as the words left her mouth, which seemed incongruous until she added,
“There’s a whole set of scholarships in each discipline for transgender students, and you’ve been awarded the one for teaching. So you won’t have to worry about room or board. You might want to bring a few rolls of quarters for laundry, okay?” She laughed softly but noticed that Linda still hadn’t lifted her head.
“What’s wrong, sweetie?” She smiled and the girl spoke.
“This is so….I can’t believe this is happening for me.” She began to tear up and put her hand to her mouth.
“I want you to know that you’re very special to everyone in this department. You know that, don’t you?” Linda nodded but her hand still covered her face.
“I know this is sudden. There are no other students under consideration for this, so there’s no pressure. You can take a couple of weeks to decide, honey. I know this hasn’t been the easiest road to hoe for you, but I want you to know we’re all in your corner.
“Thank you,” was all the girl could manage before dissolving into tears.
A few days later on the field behind the gym:..
“Is that all you’ve got, Menendez?” Ashley caught the ball knee high and threw it right back at Tony. The loud slap of leather was almost drowned out by the “ow” that came out of his mouth.
“Hey, I’ve got a bum shoulder…that’s why they have me playing first..give me a break.” He laughed but Ashley just watched the ball into her glove as he threw it back.
“Aw…does the wittle baby want a bweak?” She teased. She tossed the ball to him and grabbed her warm-up jacket from the fence behind her.
“Wanna grab some pizza?” She asked as she wiped her face with her jacket.
“Sure” He said. She said grabbed his arm and squeezed.
“You ready, Freddy?” She laughed and he looked at her askance. He was feeling more and more guilty every day he practiced, and even more so in the company of this girl. He shook his head and replied.
“Ashley…I’m….I’ve got to ask you a question? Okay?”
“Sure, kiddo, what’s up?”
“Are you…do you…are you looking to…are you my friend?” He winced when he said it.
“Of course…why wouldn’t I be?” She squinted and tilted her head.
“I have to ask you a question, and I don’t want to ruin what we have.” He frowned, and she could have sworn there were tears in his eyes. He hid his face by turning sideways.
“Do you…did you…expect more out of me?” He winced again and she laughed softly
“Well, I would have expected more power out of a first baseman, but there’s always an exception." She punched him in the arm.
“No…stop kidding…you know what I mean. I mean I have a girlfriend already.” He realized it was the first time he had referred to Linda at all, and he felt ashamed. But Ashley started to laugh.
“Are you kidding me?” The question was expected, but the tone was almost jocular.
“No…I’m serious. I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. We’ve been going out for seven months, and I really care about her.” His plea was almost sad, but she laughed again.
“Listen, Menendez. You play baseball, right?” He looked at her, puzzled.
“That’s rhetorical, Tony. You play baseball…You ever heard the expression, 'bats from the other side of the plate?'” She laughed once more and stared at him. He looked puzzled until she finally said,
“You moron! I have a girlfriend! I think you’re one of the nicest guys I’ve ever known, but you’re not my type! And I’ve seen your girlfriend. I can see why she’s so dear to you! You’d be an idiot if you let her get away.” She smiled once again and grabbed his arm.
“Still want to get some pizza?” She raised one eyebrow as if to say, “you say yes and I’ll hit you again, and not so soft”
“I think I have someone I need to talk to.”
At home at the Menendez house...
Tony punched in the familiar numbers on his cell..
“Hello, Mrs. Piontak? Is Linda home? She is. I’ll be over in about twenty minutes or so, will she be in by then? Okay…Be there in a while… Love you too, okay?” He hung up the phone and turned to find his mother standing in the doorway of the kitchen.
“I’ve been such a fucking moron, mom.” Rather than correcting his language, she nodded and said,
“Yes, you have been a moron, dear child.” She laughed. “Let’s talk for a bit, okay?”
“I need to talk with Linda, Mom, and I just don’t know what to say to her.” His eyes teared up. Never one to be shy about crying, he still felt embarrassed, not for the tears, but for the shame behind them.
“Just be honest with her. She may be upset and hurt, but she still cares about you.” Laura looked away, wanting to provide courage for both of them, since she needed to tell him something.
“Baby, you know I loved your dad, don’t you?” She didn’t look at him but kept looking away, mostly out of fear, but more for the same reason he had for Linda; she just didn’t know what to say.
“I know, Mom, believe me, I know he was the best thing to ever happen to us. I miss him too.”
That really wasn’t where she wanted to go, but it was true. She came to love Tony Sr. even if he was her second choice. She had found out over their time together that he was the best person she had ever known, and not a single day had gone by since he died that she didn’t think about him.
“Honey…when your Dad and I got together, I had just come off a big loss. I had been with a sweet girl that I loved but I let her go. She died in a car accident, and I felt I would never be happy again. But then your dad…..your….” She swallowed hard and went on.
“He was so patient. He knew who and what I was but he waited. He was so kind and I’ve never ever known anyone with as much integrity and strength as him. You know? He was the best.”
“Mom, I know…” He paused and smiled before adding.
“Is this about you and Susan?” He laughed and she looked at him in shock.
“It’s not like you can hide it. You light up every time she comes over. And she can’t keep her eyes off you when she’s here.” She looked at him with widening eyes as her face began to darken.
“That obvious?” She laughed softly and he smiled again.
“Let’s just say that I might be able to go to the library some day and read ‘Tony has Two Mommies.'”
“Oh honey…You know I still love your Dad, don’t you?” She began to cry. He pulled her into a hug and kissed her cheek.
“I know, Mom, and I think that he knows, too.” He kissed her on the top of the head and stood up.
“I’ll be back later, but I’ve got to go talk to Linda, okay?” She reached out and squeezed his hand.
“I love you more than life itself, baby.” He kissed her once again and was out the door.
Later at the Piontak house...
A hard rap came at the door and Susan rose to answer it. She opened the door and Tony stood with his baseball cap in his hands, almost as if he were a stranger visiting for the first time.
“Hey, honey, haven’t seen you around here in awhile.” She leaned close and kissed him on the cheek, evoking,
“Well, gosh….MOM!” He laughed and Susan’s face turned bright red. She swatted his arm playfully and laughed.
“You brat! Linda is in her room. Why don’t you just go back there, okay?” He turned to go and she grabbed his arm. “Welcome back, honey.”
Linda was lying on her stomach on her bed, transcribing a tune she had written; her earphones prevented her from noticing Tony. He leaned closer and tapped her on the shoulder.
“Hey…I’ll get the dishes right after this phrase.”
She turned and saw that Tony was standing there instead of her mother. She quickly stood up and smoothed her shorts before stepping back and away from him. She folded her arms but then found that she was hugging herself. She looked around and spied a sweater draped over her desk chair. Tony noticed her glance and grabbed the sweater. He went to drape it over her shoulders but she shied away, so he handed it to her instead.
“Well, what brings you here.” She tried to be cold and abrupt but sounded hurt, which she was.
“I wanted to apologize.” He still held his hat in his hand, which would have been ironic at any other time. As it was, the school insignia was an unwelcome reminder.
“You don’t have to apologize. I understand, and you have to do what is best for you.” She bit her tongue and looked away. She was not ready to have him see her cry.
“That’s what I wanted to talk about. I quit the team.” He half-smiled, hoping she would at least listen to what he had to say next.
“What? I thought you wanted to play.” She wasn’t glad, even if it was something she’d hoped for. It would have been wrong on any level if he quit just for her.
“Listen. I know you were upset when you found out I lied to you, and I don’t blame you one bit. You deserve more than that, and I am sorry. But that’s not why I quit…well I did quit because of you, but not for the reason you think.” She looked at him and shook her head.
“Well, which is it…did you quit for me or not?” She frowned and looked away, feeling guilty. Even if she felt it was wrong for him to trade piano for baseball, she needed to let him be who he was.
“It wasn’t for you…it was because of something you told me when we first met.” He put his hand on her shoulder and this time she didn’t resist. She turned and faced him and saw that he had tears in his eyes.
“I stopped playing because it stopped being important; I couldn’t play with feeling because I lost the love I had for the game.” He paused and looked away. Swallowing hard, he went on.
“It wasn’t just that. I found that I missed my piano.”
“My piano?” She though. She was glad to hear that at least.
“I went for days without playing and it was like I was walking around in a daze. Last week when it rained, coach canceled indoor drills, and I couldn’t wait to get home. I played Beethoven’s Emperor…so powerful but so involved and intricate and delicate in places…I couldn’t believe it…it made me feel good.” He smiled and her face brightened a bit until he added,
“But it wasn’t just the piano I missed. It wasn’t Beethoven or Debussy or Ellington that I missed the most. It was you, Linda…you.” He put his hand on her wrist and she lifted it cautiously.
“What about Ashley? You’ve been spending every day with her. What about her?” Linda bit her lip and pulled her hand away once again. He shook his head, not at her, but at himself and his behavior.
“We’re friends…nothing more…someone I have a lot in common with, but that’s all. I promise.” He realized as soon as he said it that promise was the wrong word.
“You promised that you’d be diligent and dedicated, and you broke that promise just to impress her…I heard you in the hall.” She began to cry and turned away, leaning against her closet door. He put his hand on her shoulder and she shrugged it off.
“I can’t compete with her…you know I can’t compete, and it’s not fair to ask. Either you care about piano or you don’t.” She shook her head and turned back to him. She stepped forward and poked him in the chest.
`
“You act like this is all one big game. Do you know what a gift you’ve been given? Do you know how precious and dear your talent is?” She turned her head as if to gain strength before continuing.
“Do you even care how much people care about you? The sacrifices your mother has made. The favors Miss Washington pulled in to get you an audition? “ She put her hand to her face and began to weep. He stepped forward and pulled her close to him for a hug. She tried to pull back, but he held her firmly but softly and then he spoke.
“Linda…listen to me, please.” She looked up into his eyes and saw he was crying as well.
“I do know how much people care. I do know what a gift I have, but it’s not playing piano. Okay..it’s not only playing, but the real gift…the gift I wasted and didn’t treasure until I thought I lost it?” She looked at him and half-frowned, fearing and welcoming at the same time what she knew he would say.
“”You…you’re the precious gift I was given. I am so sorry that I didn’t tell you sooner.”
“Did she turn you down? I’m second best…maybe not even that. How can I trust you?”
“I don’t know. All I know is I love you. I fell in love with you the first time we met…when I touched your hand and we kissed that first day…I know I’ve let you down, but if I never get to tell you another thing, I have to tell you I love you Linda. I am so sorry I waited so long and I can only hope that it wasn’t too long.”
He looked her in the eye and she saw and felt and knew that he was as trustworthy as the day is long, as they say. She pulled close to him and leaned up and kissed him. Their tongues danced and their sighs and sobs mixed in a wonderful mixture of sweet and powerful music.
After a few moments Linda pulled back and turned away. She began to weep harder as Tony put his hand once again on her shoulder. She reached back and grabbed his hand.
“I can’t be what you need, Tony…I can’t…I’m not…” She swallowed hard and lowered her head.
“I know.” Tony knew it wasn’t an argument he could win, but he began to speak anyway.
“We’re different. You and me….we’ll never be like everyone else, but who says we have to be. I love you, and that’s all I want or need…nothing else matters…only you matter.”
“I’m…I can never have children.” She wept, not only for him but for her, feeling cheated by fate into becoming a pretender…she wasn’t real…only the image…the facsimile of what Tony needed.
“I know that’s important to you, and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t important to me. But it isn’t so impossible that we can’t make adjustments. And it’s so soon to think about what we can’t have, Linda…we need to think about and be thankful for what we have.” He smiled and pulled her close once again.
“And I prefer to be thankful for you. You have healed me...made me whole…made my life real and with meaning. I love you.” He kissed her once again and their tears mingled before falling to the floor.
A while later...
Tony sat at the piano picking out a few notes. Linda was standing by the piano just watching him.
“I don’t know what to do. If I accept the scholarship, that means we’ll be apart.” Linda looked sad and confused. Tony smiled at her and looked at the sheet music on the piano before saying,
“I guess I’d better get ready…I’ve got an audition in three days, and I plan on getting to attend school….” He paused just long enough to bring a smile to Linda’s face.
“…with my girlfriend!”
“That sounds wonderful.” Linda said.
She sat down next to him and began playing.
“Diana Krall?” He looked at her and smiled
“Diana Krall.” She smiled back and they kissed. He smiled and said,
“S’wonderful.”
Book Three - The Summer of Love
of Linda Piontak
Linda learns that in order to know love, she must learn to accept love. And that first means that she must learn to love herself…
Tell me the words I never said;
Show me the tears you never shed;
Give me the touch that once
you promised to be mine
Or has it vanished for all time?
Two years later, Julliard School of Music, New York City…
"Jeez, Ms. Piontak...you don't take any prisoners, do you." Nate joked and looked over the music once again.
"It's just that I know you're capable of so much more, Nate! You're my best student." Nate beamed at the complement until he heard,
"But you're playing like you don't care...and that's the biggest no-no with me!" She half-frowned before continuing.
"You have a bright future in music, Nate, but only if it is the most important thing to you besides people."
"Come on, Ms. Piontak! I'm dating Cassie; that shows I care!" He laughed softly.
"No…that only shows you care about how she cares about you. Do you put her first in everything when you're together? Is what she wants and needs as important or more important that what's on your mind?"
Nate bristled at the question.
"What's so wrong about what's on my mind? You a prude?" He half-frowned.
"I have my own beliefs, Nate, but that's not what I'm talking about." She looked at him and then back at the piano in front of them.
"If Cassie is only important as a means to an end; to keep you satisfied and happy? To look at the music as just a way of meeting people or being popular? It won't work, and sooner or later, it will all just fall apart!"
"Are you talking about the music or Cassie?"
"Yes...both, Nate. If you see music as just a way to get ahead instead of the goal? If you see Cassie as just a way to make yourself feel better? It doesn't work, and in the long run, you'll end up empty-handed wondering what happened."
"Why do things have to be so complicated with you, Ms. Piontak?” Nate laughed and shook his head.
“I thought we were just practicing here, and I get a lesson about life. Jeez, why does everything have to be so hard?”
“Because we don’t do anything important alone; there are always people involved with anything that matters, hon!” She put her hand on his shoulder and smiled.
Linda's apartment, Brooklyn, New York...
Linda sang softly to herself as she moved around the small kitchen in her apartment. Moving consisted of turning around to bump into the stove while opening the fridge and banging her knees on the oven door while getting dinner ready. It was the first time in weeks that Tony had made room in his schedule to come over, and she wanted to make it special.
"La luce che tu dai...Nel cuore restera...A ricordarci che...L'eterna stella sei. (I pray we'll find your light, and hold it in our hearts...When stars go out each night, remind us where you are...) Ow!" She banged her knees on the oven door as she forgot once again that she had left it open for the casserole she had on the counter.
Things had cooled off considerably since the middle of the semester. Between the classes she was taking and the teaching responsibilities, she had little time for leisure, but she had made a point to make time for Tony each evening, if only for an hour or so. He, on the other hand, had made little attempt to make time for her.
"Sogniamo un mondo senza piu violenza, Un mondo di giustizia e di speranza. Ognuno dia una mano al suo vicino, Simbolo di pace...di fraternita. (We dream of a world without more violence, a world of justice and hope. Each gives a hand to his neighbor, symbol of peace... of fraternity.)" She laughed softly as she thought of how much of a hand she had hoped for, even in singing the song. Their duets were sung less frequently and the alto harmony sounded odd without Tony's tenor to carry the melody.
As she placed the casserole in the oven the doorbell rang. Being careful to close the oven , she walked to the door and opened it. Tony smiled his engaging and warm "I've got something to talk about" smile at her. She kissed him on the cheek and pointed to the table.
"Oh...you made dinner?" He half-frowned; as if she had done something entirely inappropriate by being considerate of his schedule.
"Yes," She forced a smile, expecting he wasn't staying for dinner.
"I need to talk to you about something."
"Talk to you?" she thought. Not with you but to you always meant he had something important to discuss that involved him either reneging on a promise or springing something on her that he alone had decided they should do. She wasn't disappointed in her assessment as he spoke.
"I've got this great opportunity. You know how much you've been after me to start playing outside of school, right?" Ah, the obligatory "you" as a qualifier; it would be her fault if things didn't work out because it was her idea after all.
"Well, I've got a chance to play with an ensemble for the summer, right after classes end next week."
"That's wonderful...I know you'll enjoy it, honey." She smiled but his expression wasn't at all happy.
"There's just one hitch." One hitch with Tony was worth probably a hundred with anyone else. He cringed as if she were about to hit him. She'd never hit him, but he was right in anticipating how disappointed she'd be.
"It's in Europe…a tour all over the Continent. Isn't that great?" He smiled weakly as she frowned.
"Oh...okay." She continued to frown and she placed her hand over her mouth.
"You don't seem happy." An understatement to be sure.
"Tony...I am happy...for you. I'm just...we had planned on spending some time together. I haven't had much time with you as it is; and with you away all summer?" She bit her tongue; she wasn't going to cry in front of him, not now.
"You could come along? Couldn't you?"
"I'm teaching Summer School, and even if I wasn't, I don't have the money to go all over Europe; I'm sure someone is paying for your trip?" He nodded.
"Well, at least we can take a week off when I get back in August." He smiled at his solution, but she bit her lip, this time clear enough to be noticed.
"I have to be here for planning with the department as well as finish my own summer class. I can't take any time off."
"Just tell them you need some time for yourself." He smiled again
"If I don't teach, I don't get my stipend and this apartment, okay?" She was growing impatient with him, and he felt her frustration, but his response wasn't helpful.
"Well, I'm really sorry you feel that way. I mean...this is my big opportunity and you can't see how important it is to me."
"Tony, I know how important it is to you...I just...We haven't been spending any quality time together. You drop by when you feel like it and sometimes you don't even bother to call when you cancel. I'm not saying anything other than that I miss you and I don't feel like I'm important to you anymore. And feeling? It isn't feeling but reality. You have a full scholarship and room and board and a stipend for your tutoring. I barely get by on what I have. I'm not complaining, but you don't seem to appreciate how much effort I'm putting in for the two of us!"
"I try, Linda, believe me!" Tony held his arms out as if to plead his case.
"I can't compete with what you have; I put off...you know..." She looked down at her body, almost in shame. It hurt beyond words that he had forgotten about her impending surgery.
"Jeez, Linda....is it that time of the month?" Tony half-grinned at the taunt. He was completely surprised at her tears.
"That's so..." She sniffled once.
"I'm not going to cry...I'm not going to cry." She thought even as the tears began to spill onto the floor. He knew how much that meant to her...no period equals no children equals not a real girl equals not good enough....
"Hey...I'm sorry, okay. Let's try to make the best of this. You want to come out for dinner?" He used his hand in a broad gesture to point to the door.
"Tony...I made dinner for us...I've been planning this since Sunday."
"Well, I'm sorry...I forgot. Listen...the guys from the tour are downstairs waiting. You want to come or not?" He knew she wasn't in the mood for company; not after his news. She bit her lip and shook her head slowly; her anger was already replaced by a sorrow he still had yet to appreciate.
"Well, Okay...I'll call you tomorrow." He stepped closer and kissed her on the cheek before walking quickly out the door.
She ran to the window and looked down at the waiting car.
A tall attractive girl got out and gestured toward the building. He shook his head no and the girl shrugged her shoulders before patting him on the back as if he needed consoling. The car drove off and Linda followed its trail until it disappeared around the corner.
I'd give away my soul
To hold you once again
And never let this promise end
Linda slowly let the curtain fall back into place. She went into the kitchen and turned off the oven. She walked into her bedroom; closing the door behind her, shutting out the day. She looked at the pile of magazines on her bed. Modern Bride lay open to a photo spread for petite girls. She pushed the magazines aside and lay down on top of the covers, grabbing the comforter from the bottom of the bed. Covering herself she turned and faced the door; the mirror displaying her tearful face.
It was hard enough to compete in the outside world of music and school; she felt inadequate despite the assurances of her teachers and the department head. But here, inside, to compete with the pull of new opportunities and friends that Tony gained every day. And now another girl as well...a real girl? She felt incomplete, and nothing, even her surgery might ever change that. She rolled over, buried her face in her pillow, and cried herself to sleep.
I let you go
I let you fly
Why do I keep on asking why
I let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow
Broken Vow
Papa, can you hear me?
Papa, can you see me?
Papa can you find me in the night?
Papa are you near me?
Papa, can you hear me?
Papa, can you help me not be frightened
The next morning at Linda's apartment…
"Dad....Daddy?" Linda looked at her father's picture, tears falling almost like rain to the floor. The picture was in a frameless matte, yellowing and cracked. She had another in nicer condition, but the one in her hands had a finger smudge from her father's hand, courtesy of a broken fan belt on the way to the shipout-point when he departed for Iraq.
"I thought he loved me, Dad. I'm...I don't know what I did to turn him away. Did I cling too tight?" His face still smiled, of course; etched forever in time with his child in his arms and his wife by his side. A happy trio. And Mom was very happy once again, now that she had re-discovered love with Laura Menendez. She could almost see her father smiling down at the two women; Ted Piontak loved Susan more than anything, and his love sustained her for so long after he died. Maybe Linda could draw on that love as well.
"It's going to be okay, Lee, honey," she imagined him saying. He never knew the side of his son... really the entire nature of his child that made her a girl, and never spoke the name "Linda." Lee was a nice name, though; not really gender-specific.
"It hurts, Daddy…more than it has ever…Am I wrong…I should just go back to being a guy…it would be better for everyone!” The picture wore the marks of many sad tears and maybe even a few happy ones as well, and the matte absorbed the new ones that fell from her face. Her father would never again speak to her, but nevertheless, she heard his voice in her heart.
“No, Lee, honey…better for no one…” The sound in her heart quickly faded, replaced almost as quickly as the phone rang.
“Hey sweetie,” she heard her mother say.
“Hi, Mom…I was just talking to Daddy.” “Daddy” came out a bit quivery.
“I’m fine,” she said nervously and she bit her tongue softly. Her mother picked up on the word ‘fine.’
“Mommy…he…” “Talking” to her father and then having a conversation with her mother right away was too much for her, and she began sobbing. She laid the phone down for a moment and looked for some tissue. She couldn’t find any so she grabbed a washcloth from her laundry basket and wiped her face.
“Mom…he’s going to Europe…all summer…you knew? MOM! How could you….He called Laura? Oh…he just told me yesterday, too.” She sniffled before using the washcloth to blow her nose.
“No…Don’t Mom…no…you don’t have to come out…no…oh…okay. Tomorrow? Yeah …okay… Mommy …it hurts so bad….he doesn’t care anymore….I should have never…what? Okay…that’s what….Dahhhdee said.”
She clicked off the phone accidentally. Looking down at her body, she immediately forgot everything her father would have said and what her mother actually told her. She determined that being a girl was the problem. Sitting down on the couch, she picked up a pillow and hugged it like a stuffed animal and began to sob once again, this time so loud that she didn’t hear the phone ring again and missed her mother’s call.
Papa, how I love you...
Papa, how I need you.
Papa, how I miss you
Kissing me good night...
At Kellogg's Diner, Brooklyn, New York...
Tell me again
I want to hear
Who broke my faith in all these years
Who lays with you at night
When I'm here all alone
Remembering when I was your own
“No, I haven’t told her.” Tony sat in the booth opposite the ensemble’s cellist. The girl frowned and looked at him askance.
“Why not? Are you ashamed of me?” She frowned and looked out the coffee shop window before saying loud enough to be heard at the diners in the back of the restaurant,
“Tell her, Tony. Both of us deserve that, and you owe it to her as well. She’s probably a good kid, but this has gone on long enough.
“I just don’t want to hurt her feelings.” He didn’t like, but he really was nowhere near telling the truth, either.
“You already hurt her; you told me she was crying when you left. Tell her so we all can move on.” He nodded before she finished.
“You pull this crap on me and you can kiss my ass goodbye!” The girl watched Tony get up and walk out, and knew he probably wouldn’t change
In front of Linda's apartment...
“Hi, mom,” Linda hugged her mother as she got out of the cab. Laura walked around from the other side, her face already awash with tears. She shied away from Linda’s proffered hug until the girl grabbed her arm and softly pulled her into an embrace.
“I’m so sorry, honey…I don’t know what I did wrong.” Laura already blamed herself for her son’s behavior, but she didn’t raise a selfish boy; he chose that path all by himself.
“I know…I know.” The girl was hurting but true to form was the comforter as she patted Laura on the back.
“She’s been crying since Thursday, honey.” Susan said before looking more carefully at her daughter. Linda was wearing jeans and an old shirt and she had pulled her hair back in a ponytail. She wore no makeup, leaving her mother to guess the worst.
“Damn it, Linda, no!” Susan rarely swore, at least in anger, but she was upset more than she had been in years.
“It’s his choice to be a fool,” Susan looked over at Laura who nodded reluctantly. They had talked a great deal throughout the flight. While all three of them loved Tony, it was Linda who needed their support, and not sympathy, but encouragement; she wasn’t a weak little girl, but a woman who needed to know she was loveable and important and worthy of respect.
“We are going up to your apartment and you are going to change your clothes, young lady.” Wearing jeans and an old shirt is fine, but Linda needed to remember that she wasn’t a boy acting like a girl; she was a woman, and her mother wanted to remind her of that.
“And some makeup, too,” Laura said, wiping her face with her coat sleeve. She smiled, but looking at the somewhat boyish appearance of her former future daughter-in-law caused her to burst into tears once again.
Later
“Yes.” Simple answer to a complex question.
“Is he coming over now?” Laura looked angry, and Susan looked very nervous for her partner.
“I said yes, so…yes.” Linda shrugged her shoulders and half-smiled.
“I’m going to give that boy a piece of my mind.” Laura grew agitated and jumped up, beginning to pace.
“Laura…Momma…” Linda had already begun to refer to Laura in an affectionate, family-like manner. She was family, but her role in Linda’s life would always be step-mother, she realized.
“It’s okay. I didn’t say anything, but he already knew you were coming since your phone call the other day. I don’t want this to be a confrontation. He’s going to come over here, and he’s still going to be my…bbeesstt… frrr…iend…ohhh kay?” She shook her head. She wished things were different, but she had felt for a while things were…off.
“I…I…I’mmm not going to abandon him. He’s still a part of my life… eeevennn… even though it’s pppasst.” She wanted to be strong. Her faith told her to forgive, but there wasn’t anything in her with enough strength to let it pass. She didn’t want to be angry. She wished they could still be friends, and maybe in time they could say that, but now, today…she was hurt, as much as anyone can endure without dying, and he would know, even if she spoke no words, that he had broken her heart.
Tell me the words I never said
Show me the tears you never shed
Give me the touch
That one you promised to be mine
Or has it vanished for all time
That evening...
The doorbell rang. Laura jumped in her seat with a start. Linda looked up slowly, her face red from crying. Susan calmly walked to the door and opened it. Tony smiled sheepishly and shrugged as if he knew something was wrong.
“Come on in, Tony.” Susan hugged him quickly but there was no emotion in her embrace. He walked over to Laura who just looked up at him and stared, her eyes saying everything her anger toward her son prevented her from speaking. Linda rose slowly and hugged Tony, the embrace filled with emotion, but not of anger, as he expected, but not with friendship either. It was as if she had already said goodbye even though no words had yet been spoken.
“I just wanted…I...you…” He stumbled over his words, like he were speaking at his own execution. Linda commuted the sentence.
“Tony,” she said softly as she walked over to her mother. Standing next to Susan, it almost looked as if she drew strength from her.
“Let me speak, okay?” Not a demand, a simple request, but the last one she would utter as Tony’s girlfriend.
“I should have known something was wrong a long time ago. You’ve made nearly no effort to be any part of my life for weeks. I postponed my surgery until January just so we could spend some time together, and you didn’t even acknowledge what a sacrifice that was for me. I’m not complaining, and I don’t want you to be sorry for me; I’m not sorry for myself.” She paused, hoping that she actually was growing strong enough to put self-pity and shame away.
“I’m angry with you, but I’m really more angry with myself.” Laura bristled at the remark; her son had treated this girl badly and she was almost apologetic. Her expression changed at Linda’s next few words.
“I deserve more than this. I never expected the universe, but you didn’t even give me your world. I didn’t expect riches but you didn’t even give me the time of day. I have been your best friend, and I thought you were mine, but right now I don’t think you’re even your own best friend.” His face grew red, not with embarrassment or shame, but anger.
“Well, I don’t deserve this ambush.” He looked so put upon that if you didn’t know what the truth actually was, you would have thought he was the injured party.
“Ambush?” Laura jumped up and walked over, standing toe to toe with her son.
“This girl has given you everything she has in this world, and you’ve returned her love with…” Laura tried to continue but the words were choked off as she began to sob. It was like losing Tony Sr. all over again as she realized she didn’t know the boy that stood in front of her. Susan rushed to her side and pulled her in for an embrace as Laura began to weep more than she had ever wept; even more than when she got the phone call that turned her life from wonderful to widowhood in a second; feeling incorrectly that she failed her son and not the other way around.
“Tony?” Linda’s voice was quiet but calm and firm. He looked away from his mother to see her standing by the door.
“I’ll always love you, but you need to leave. I can accept your treatment of me; you don’t owe me a thing. But you owe your mother your life, and she doesn’t deserve your anger. If you want to be angry, be angry at me. I’m the one who let this go on when I should have told you it was okay to leave, right?” Her voice was tinged with only a hint of sarcasm, but he got the point nonetheless.
“Okay…You’re right. She doesn’t deserve this…” He couldn’t bring himself to apologize to Linda, even after all of that. He walked back to his mother and kissed her cheek quickly while grasping Susan’s hand.
“Take care of Mom, okay?” He said it almost as if he believed that everyone needed a reminder to be kind but him. He went to kiss Linda on the cheek. She offered no resistance, but didn’t raise her arms to welcome his offered embrace. He looked once more at her, his face showing just how much he misunderstood her and his mother and Susan and mostly himself. He walked to the door and glanced once again at Linda, his expression the same as you might see of a little boy who was sent to his room for misbehaving; “fine…I don’t care…be that way.” With that he walked out the door and was gone.
Susan squeezed her partner’s shoulders and led her back to the couch where she sat her down. She turned just in time to see Linda begin to shake. She ran over to catch her daughter in her arms as Linda began to sob so much that her whole body began to convulse. Linda wasn’t a big girl, but her dead weight was too much for Susan and they collapsed to the floor. She held her daughter in her arms, rocking her back and forth as she cooed softly,
“Shhh…shhhh….It’s okay, I’m here….I’m here.”
I close my eyes
And dream of you and I
And then I realize
There's more to love than only bitterness and lies
Silent and quiet
Again my life
Far from these moments
I wish I was
Linda's apartment, on the phone with Tony...
Passion and truth
We were about
Before the shadows
Stole the beat of our hearts
“I’ll send the jacket to your mom…I know she wants to keep it for you…Yes…no, Tony, I don’t hate you.” Linda shrugged. Was she kidding herself? Did she have the strength? Could she be strong? She couldn’t afford not to be.
“You mean the world to me, but I can’t do this anymore. No…I mean this is a perfect example…here you are on the phone…busy again, but you want me to make room… I’ve made room for you in my heart for over a year, and you only peek in and look. You don’t want to stay, Tony, and that’s okay. But I can’t do this anymore. I can’t even say it’s wrong for you to be number one in your life, but I can’t be out of the running for the top ten. Yeah, that, too. You don’t have to believe like I do…I have my faith…but you can’t be angry with me over what I believe. Either you accept me or you don’t. No…” She took a deep breath.
“I know the next few days are going to be busy for you…no…no Tony, it’s not going to work. You can’t just come in and out of my life like this. No. Yes, I still love you.” It amazed her that after all this time, with his behavior toward her; it was he who sought approval and acceptance, despite how he treated her. He made no effort to affirm or support her, but he sought her support and approval.
“Yes, you can e-mail me…no, I can’t break away…no…no…Tony…yes, you’ll see me on line, and I'll see you in August when you get back...Yes...I love you…bye.” She hung up the phone. Shaking her head, she walked into her bedroom and threw herself on the bed and cried.
Undo this leash
You say tied
When only our fears are to blame this time
And what am I to you
Just spit it out
I'm not afraid of the words that you hide
Julliard School of Music, Manhattan, New York, Mid-June...
“Linda? Got a second? Annette Perrugino called out from the department office as Linda was getting her mail. She walked over to the doorway and poked her head in.
“Sure, anything for you.” A phrase usually said in half-jest, but completely earnest between the two girls.
Annette laid several books on the secretary’s desk before walking over to Linda. She reached over and pulled Linda in close with her right arm, hugging her tight.
“What’s up?” Linda said as they parted. Annette smiled. They had only known each other for a few weeks, from the end of the semester, actually. Annette had been hired to fill Melanie Lu’s position as an instructor while Melanie was on maternity leave. The two of them hit it off immediately despite the fact that Linda had only turned nineteen and Annette was nearly twenty-seven.
“A bunch of us are getting together on Saturday for a late lunch. You live in Brooklyn, so this will work for you since the restaurant is probably only about a mile from your apartment. Javier and Rosa and I can swing by or you can walk there if the weather is okay. You know Gobi Restaurant?” She smiled warmly.
“No, but anything out sounds nice, especially with friends.” Linda smiled back. It had been quite a while since she had eaten out. She really couldn’t afford it, but it really was something she needed to do.
“Well, I’ll call you Saturday morning to see if you’re walking or riding.” She smiled at Linda before noticing the worried frown upon Linda’s face.
“Oh, Jeez! What’s with me…I forgot to tell you, a bunch of us gainfully employed folks decided that you needed a break and what with being an intern an all, we’re treating, okay?” Linda grinned nervously.
“Okay…so long as it’s not too expensive.” She shrugged apologetically, mostly for the need to be treated, but somewhat as well for her own self.
“Don’t worry about a thing, kiddo, we’ve got you covered.”
Linda almost beamed at the playful expression, remembering her father had always called her 'kiddo.' She remained in awe of Annette, being reminded even then of what she had to deal with on daily basis. The woman walked back and went to pick up the book she had set down. She accepted the proffered help from Ali, her teacher’s assistant as he placed the books in the crook of her right arm. She wasn’t wearing her prosthesis, and her left sleeve was pinned at the shoulder. She walked by Linda on the way out of the office and grinned slightly nodded, almost like Frodo at the end of the movie; she was alright.
Annette walked out of the office, feeling relieved at her clever ‘save;’ Linda couldn’t afford to come out for lunch, and she certainly wouldn’t come if she knew it was Annette’s treat alone. She smiled and hummed softly to herself as she walked down the hall.
Linda's apartment that evening...
Linda sat on the couch, trying to fill out the grading paperwork for her last class. Grading had been struggle all week, and she gave up trying for the day, unable to see the paper through her tears. She tossed the folder on the cushion beside her before grabbing the toy raccoon on her other side. She hugged it and rocked gently back and forth, pretending her father was holding her close.
“I know it hurts, Lee, but I promise it will be okay.” She felt her heart beat in her chest as the words reverberated inside her.
“Dad…I think I made a mistake.” She wanted him to prove her wrong as she looked around the room, seeking something of his that she displayed. She eyed the picture of him standing tall in his uniform, taken the day before he died. Laying the raccoon gently on the couch, she got up and walked to the bookshelf and picked the picture up, handling it reverently.
“There you are,” she heard him say softly, his voice soft and gentle but still loud enough to be heard over Beethoven’s 7th, Movement #2. His face almost glowed, the picture glass reflecting the sunlight pouring through her living room window. She smiled and took a deep, cleansing breath.
“What should I do? This hurts so bad, Daddy…I can hardly breathe…Why did he leave? What’s wrong with me?” She wished so badly for the answer that wouldn’t come in words, but her wish was answered anyway as she almost felt his hand on her shoulder.
“There’s nothing wrong with you any more than the rest of us,” she remembered her father tell her years ago when she failed to make the finals in her first piano competition.
“We all fall short somehow, Lee. Even me.”
She had idolized her dad like so many children do, and he never disappointed her if he could help it. But he had his faults, which he freely confessed, not only to his God and his wife, but his child as well. He wasn’t perfect, but he tried to be good and kind and fair, all of which anyone who knew him would agree he did.
“But what do I do now? He’s the only one I ever loved?” She sniffled and looked deeply into her father’s eyes, seeking advice. The glint of the sunlight reflected off the glass into a spectrum of colors on the wall, the bevel edge acting as a prism. She smiled at the sight.
“Be yourself,” she remembered. The last piece of advice she received before her father left for the final time. “Be kind and love as much as you possibly can.” His smile seemed to broaden as she recalled his hearty laugh.
“I can’t be prouder than I am right now. You and your mom are so special to me, and I love you very much.” Her heart grew bigger even as she became smaller and younger, remembering the last hug she received from him, one that enveloped her like a warm blanket on a cold day. Tears spilled onto the floor, but for the first time in over a week, they were happy, safe, and confident tears. No matter what happened from then on in, she knew that she was loved and always would be loved.
Linda's apartment, the following morning....
Where do we go
Where did it all crash
When did it start to fall apart
Silence and quiet
Passion, the truth
Shadows, only shadows
Linda placed the photos in a shoe box and laid the box in the trunk by her bed. Almost reverently, she went through every picture she had of her and Tony and wrote something on the back; about thirty in all, not counting the other pictures she had in a file on her laptop. It was her way of burying the past; the relationship was over, and nothing would revive it.
She believed in miracles; don't we all, to some extent? But she also knew that as long as her connection to Tony existed; at least as a couple, her love for him would enable him to stay insensitive and thoughtless. It wasn't a punishment, but a gift to let him go. As she closed the trunk lid the phone rang.
"Oh, hi, Mom...yeah...thing are getting better...yes I'm wearing heels." She laughed softly, looking down at her feet, which sported the same old off-white Reeboks. "Wearing heels" was her mother's catch-phrase to encourage her to remember that she was a girl, after all. It really didn't matter what she wore as long as she could remember that.
"Oh...I just remembered. Tell Laura Tony left his letterman's jacket here... Yeah...I'll send it UPS tomorrow. He can pick it up when he comes home in August. No, I'm not going to...” She looked over at her fridge, which consisted of doing a 180 degree turn from the oven.
"They had to cancel the course because the professor's sister is very sick.... Yeah...lymphoma ...she's gone for the summer, and they don't have anyone to fill in....No...It’s too late to register for another class...." She reached into the fridge and pulled out the quart of orange juice and poured herself a glass.
"Well...I've got enough kids lining up for lessons, that I can fill my time and make money, so I guess it works out okay." She took a sip of the juice and made a scrunchy face. Orange juice after brushing your teeth is not a good idea.
"Yes, Mother...I'm okay...really. Well of course I'm still crying....but not as much...I promise ...no...Yes... well a bunch of the younger faculty members are going out for lunch on Saturday and they asked me along." She sighed. Despite her friends' kind offer, she wasn't really feeling ready to socialize.
"She's still crying...oh gosh Mom...put her on the phone...yes, put ...I know...you just told me that...but I need to talk to her." She shook her head. Breaking up with Tony didn't just affect the two of them, since their mothers were each other’s step-moms as well.
"Laura...Momma....please...you're a great Mom...yes....no...Yes...I'm still crying....oh gosh, Momma, it’s okay...yes...of course I still love him...I always will. Yes....Brother...that's right....no...I know...I wish it worked out too!" Her eyes began to fill with tears. The 'missing' was getting a bit easier every day, it was the 'hurt' and the 'regret' tears that still flowed on a regular basis.
"Yes...of course...why would you think that...oh I'll always love you no matter what...yes...you're my Mom, too! I love you too, Laura...okay...bye..." She breathed out a deep sigh and wiped her face with a hand towel lying on the counter.
"She's still crying? Oh gosh, Mom! Oh...okay...Tell her again I love her. What? Okay. I'll call you Sunday after church, alright...yeah...your time, not mine. I know...Mom?" The safety of her mother's voice reached across the miles and held Linda as she began to cry again. You know, the kind of safety only a parent's arms can provide; the kind that says it's okay to cry, 'I've got you."
"When does it stop hurting?" She paused, waiting her answer but really knowing the answer already. She sighed once again and stuck her tongue out slightly in thought.
"Yes...I'm sure I'm going to be alright...I just wish I knew when. I love you Mommy." Not one to be childish, nevertheless, "I love you Mommy" was an important part of their relationship; no matter how old she'd get, no matter what job she'd take or what honor or accomplishment she might achieve, to them both, Linda would always be Susan's little girl.
After all if there is no way out
If you cannot stand beside me
If there isn't love
There is only pride
I'm givin' up, I'm givin' up this fight
All I recall is the moment
Sadness is fading away
It is for passion I'm falling
but now I'm back on my feet again
I wanna rewrite the story
Not even what seemed insane
At the Gobi Restaurant, Brooklyn, New York…
"Over here," Linda heard the call from the large table; Annette Perugino motioning her over with a friendly wave. The table was crowded. Ali, Annette's TA sat next to Nora, his girlfriend. Rosa, one of the vocal teachers sat next to her brother Javier, the newest member of the faculty next to Annette. He had been teaching voice in Mexico City, but jumped at the chance to work alongside his sister.
Sandwiched between them and Annette was Melanie, late of the faculty and three weeks away from her delivery of her twins along with her husband Carmine. Rounding out the group was Annette and a man in his late twenties. He stood up as Linda approached the table, pulling his chair out from the table.
"Here, why don't you take my seat; you can talk with Annette easier that way." His voice was strong and confident, yet almost soothing, like an old family friend.
"Thanks." Linda shrugged her shoulders slightly as she sat down, looking to her right to Annette, who smiled and tapped Linda's wrist softly.
"I'm so glad you're here." Annette beamed as she looked around the table; their friends nodding in agreement. Linda followed the movement all around the table, finally turning toward the man, who smiled at her and nodded as well.
"Me, too. Hi, my name is Dave, Dave Crocetti. So glad to finally meet you. Annette talks about you all the time." Linda felt her cheeks grow warm from the attention. She wanted to say something but for some reason nothing seemed to escape her lips and her head seemed to be fixed in one place.
"Dave just got back from his third tour." Annette went to continue but Linda interrupted.
"Where did you tour? Europe?" The word "tour" was too fresh in her mind.
"Iraq." He smiled as his correction didn't make fun of her misperception.
"Ohh…" The red in her face deepened until Annette spoke,
"Dave is a conductor." Annette smiled and patted Linda on the arm.
“I met Dave when I was in rehab at Bethesda.” She eyed her empty sleeve and smiled, which amazed Linda. Annette had truly come to a peace about her loss, and was in a place of contentment that Linda could only dream of.
“I had just been flown from Germany, and I felt very alone….and this one…” she used her glance to indicate Dave.
“This one was in the bed next to me when I woke up the next morning. We’ve been close ever since.”
At the words, “we’ve been close,” Linda felt a bit crushed inside. Something about Dave had become immediately appealing. She bit her lip.
“It’s too soon…come on, Linda….” Her thoughts were interrupted by Dave’s calm voice.
“I had given up hope…like my life was over, and this one brought me both hope and joy.” He smiled at Annette, causing Linda to wince. She hoped her expression didn’t match the disappointment she felt inside. This guy was too, too good to be true and her dream was over before it started.
“I still wonder what I would have done if Annette hadn’t come along, would I even be here today?” Linda looked into his eyes and saw the embers of despair that still burned low.
“Well, I’m so glad that something happened to bring us together.” Annette looked around the table as the rest nodded in approval. Linda winced again, first at the word “us” and then at her attitude. How could she be jealous of her friend over someone she had just met? She hoped her shame didn’t show but she felt her cheeks grow warmer and likely still red.
“When I finished rehab, I found that I didn’t have to leave the service, and I was able to hook up with a medical unit back in Iraq. I’d still be in a bed in a hospital somewhere if she hadn’t made me look at myself as more than just a survivor.” His glowing report of Annette continued to both disappoint and embarrass Linda, and she put her hand to her face to check the growing warmth once again.
“I’m sorry, Dave, this is so uncomfortable, and I’m sure you get this all the time? What was your injury?” Linda asked nervously. Dave smiled with a smile that says, “Don’t worry, I’m fine,” and said,
“I’m sorry, I should have explained…here.” With that he held up his left hand, showing them that he was missing his middle, ring, and pinky fingers.
“Got shot…oh well, there goes Carnegie Hall.” He said it as calmly as someone who might be describing a new cereal they’d tried or a toaster they’d purchased at Wal-Mart. Linda looked into his eyes again, and she felt so much love for him and so much shame for herself for even thinking badly about Annette. Dave went on.
“I play...I played Violin. I was so broken; you can’t imagine what it feels like to know you’ll never again be able to do the thing you love most….I’m sorry…I presume too much….I can’t know what you’ve been through.” There it was again; such a humility…caring for the feelings of others while setting aside his own.
“I got off better than most that I met at Bethesda.” He glanced over at Annette, who just nodded and smiled and said.
“We met a fellow who lost both legs, and he was so devastated. I can’t imagine how he could cope; it was so sad.”
Annette sighed and Linda felt smaller than she had ever in her life. Here her best girlfriend had endured almost unspeakable loss and pain, never again to play piano; a concert talent that was denied.
And to see Dave in the same light? He seemed to have overcome so much; his voice was tinged with only a hint of regret, but filled with more hope than she had ever imagined would be possible in the midst of such loss. She wanted so badly to reach out and hold him, almost as much for herself as for him, as if his optimism and joy would infuse her with the same hope.
“Linda?” Dave’s voice softly interrupted her thought as he leaned closer. “Are you okay?”
“I’m sorry? What? I didn’t hear what you said.” She stumbled over the words, her face flushing with warmth once again.
“I’m okay, really,” he said softly. Linda looked around and noticed the others at the table were staring at her. She put her hand to her face and felt the tears that covered her cheeks.
“I’m sorry.” She really had nothing to apologize for, but her ever-present self-conscious criticism convinced her otherwise and she continued.
“I’m…so sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong, but I seem to be crying a lot lately.”
She had been crying a lot, but this was different. Her shame over her selfishness was only outweighed by a perceived loss of something she didn’t even have; the man in front of her was simply the most beautiful human being she had ever met, and she hated that she was so jealous of her friend and ungrateful for her own blessings.
“I have to go, I’m so sorry. Thanks, Annette, but I can’t stay.”
She tried to exit gracefully but as she stood up she spilled her glass of water and bumped only slightly into the waitress who had just arrived with their food. She walked quickly to the front of the restaurant and was gone.
Annette went to stand up but Dave put his hands out, palms down.
“I think she needs to be alone right now. Why don’t you stop by or call her later?”
Annette nodded and half-smiled; still concerned for Linda. A moment later a tall woman in her thirties approached the table.
“Hey, babe, sorry, I’m late. Hi, everybody. The Collins twins took a little longer than we expected, but they’re just fine.” She leaned over and kissed Annette hello before sitting down.
“I’m sure your bambini will come out just fine, Mel. You’ve got a great guy there to help us along, right?” She smiled at Melanie and Carmine before turning to Dave.
“Hey, brother mine….” Bernice Crocetti kissed her brother on the cheek before motioning for the waitress.
How could I ever feel sorry
for being stronger than I am?
I've cried enough
Over the priceless time I've lost
I've learned the going gets too tough
Now you regret love
I've cried enough
What you'll see on my face again
Is nothing but the rain
I've cried enough
Linda's apartment, later that afternoon...
The sound of “Serenade For Strings by Tchaikovsky filled the apartment, but the playful mirth and lilt of the strings were lost on Linda as she stood in the middle of the living room, crying softly.
“He’s nice, Daddy…” Linda took one last look at her father’s photo before returning it to the bookshelf.
“Who am I trying to kid; he’s got Annette…a real hero. What have I ever done? “
If Linda had actually taken stock she would have remembered all the children she had given her passion to, the ones who were playing and loving Brahms and Gershwin and Brubeck. The little girl from her neighborhood who fell in love with music just from Linda’s ‘that’s it…now you’ve got it” enthusiasm.
The kid from middle school still played soccer but gave up a hope for stardom to seek solace and fulfillment in the sound of jazz bouncing up and down and all over the keyboard. Instead, all she heard was,
“I’m no good.” She was about ready to set out the cups and saucers on her table for her pity party when the phone rang.
“Oh…hi Annette…no, I’m okay…I guess I’m just having a hard time….yeah, it’s only been two weeks … no… he didn’t call me yet….I sorta didn’t expect it. What?”
Linda turned toward her front door. She walked to it quickly and opened it, finding Annette standing there on her cell phone with a huge grin on her face. Standing behind her was Dave and next to her was a woman who looked almost familiar. She scanned the woman’s face and then noticed the resemblance between her and David.
“Sorry you had to leave. We figured you needed some cheering up, so we came over. Oh, sorry…this is my girlfriend Bernice…she’s Dave’s sister.
“Gggirl….girlfriend?” Linda stared at Bernice like she had two heads.
“Yeah…you know…a friend….who happens to be a girl.” Bernice took Linda’s comment the wrong way and Annette figured out what was going on and said….
“No, honey…I think she thought your brother was my….boyfriend.” She turned and looked at Linda with an “am I right,” expression. Linda nodded.
“Oh Jeez…I see. Well…” Bernice paused and sighed, shaking her head.
“Sorry about the attitude.” Her smile was almost identical to Dave’s as she displayed an “Why don’t we start over “look. She held out her hand but Linda seemed lost.
“Linda?” Annette followed Linda’s gaze. She was looking over Bernice’s shoulder to see Dave’s smiling face….that face.
“May we come in?” Linda nodded once again, looking somewhat dazed. Annette tapped her on the shoulder.
“Honey…Are you okay? We just wanted to let you know we care.”
“We…We?” Linda muttered as she wandered back into the apartment, her friends fairly certain she did want company after all.
Why would I try to deny it?
Most of my dreams are a mess
But what didn't kill me in fact has taught me
Life's a big game of chess
Although I believe in the future
I keep in mind all the past
Now that I live in the present
I don't care about the rest
Here I go out to see again
The sunshine fills my hair
And dreams hang in the air
And I need a friend
Oh I need a friend
To make me happy
Not stand here on my own
Moments later....
Annette led a dazed Linda to the couch before walking into the kitchen.
"I'll make us some coffee, okay, hon?" Annette said.
"Oh...okay." Linda looked up to see Dave smiling at her...that face."
"You left so quickly and you were so upset. We wondered what was upsetting you so much. Annette says you've been through a rough stretch lately." His voice was almost disarming and his smile coaxed her to speak.
"I just broke up with my boyfriend...." Her voice trailed off and she put her head down, as if it were something to be ashamed of.
"That's really hard. Annette and I broke up last year." Bernice said, her smile at odds with the statement, and certainly at odds with what Annette had mentioned just minutes before.
"Oh...yeah...that is a bit strange, isn't it?" Bernice continued, noticing the puzzled look on Linda's face.
"We still love each other, don't get me wrong. She's been my closest friend since I met her when Dave was going through rehab. That part of us will never change, but you know yourself how people themselves change? We're suited for love, just not each other."
Bernice turned toward the kitchen and smiled at Annette, who returned the smile with a nod. Bernice didn't catch Annette's slight frown or her shrug of the shoulders.
"When I got out of the service, I think I was really looking for someone to accept me. Dave of course did, since he knew exactly what I was going through." Annette said as she came back in.
"Coffee'll be ready in a few minutes, okay? Anyway, Bernice was there for me at a time when I was really down. Dave had gone back to Iraq by then and we sorta fell into each other." Annette said as she sat down next to Linda on the couch.
"Believe it or not, Bernice was my first love." Annette said it candidly, and her smile and tone disarmed any notion of disbelief, despite the fact that she was almost twenty-eight.
"My music was the world to me...to the exclusion of everything and everyone else." Annette shrugged and shook her head. Her face flashed a glimpse of guilt, but it was gone quickly as she continued.
"It took losing my music to help me understand what is really important. That and the love of two of my dearest and closest people. I think Dave showed me how to survive and Bernice showed me how to live." She looked at them and back at Linda.
"I'm sorry, you know enough about me already, dear. Dave, tell Linda about your big news."
"You mean about me and Justin? Bernice playfully slapped the back of his head as she stood up. She walked into the kitchen to get the coffee as Linda stared blankly at Dave.
“Me and Justin???” She thought, hoping it wasn't out loud.
"That, too, Sweetie, but first about the job?"
"Oh, yeah. Anyway....Linda, are you okay?" Linda nodded and continued to stare at Dave.
"Anyway, the officer who conducts the Marine Band is retiring, and they want me to take over. It means a promotion, of course, and....Linda, are you okay? Annette?" Annette turned and looked at Linda, who continued to stare at Dave. She nodded and half-smiled.
"I'm going to have to turn it down, of course. Three tours in Iraq is enough service for my country. Don't get me wrong, I loved the work I did and the position is a huge honor, but I can't continue while the don't ask thing is still in effect, even if the policy isn't. Maybe someday but not for me."
His voice was calm and he was almost childlike in his tone; like a kid who forgives his sister for some minor offense instead of someone who was disappointed and saddened.
"Justin left last month after his second tour. He's moved back with his parents for the time being, but we'll be getting an apartment in Jersey City next month." Dave beamed at the mention of his boyfriend, leaving Linda sitting in front of him, staring.
"Don't ask...." She muttered once before fainting.
Look at me standing
Here on my own again
Up straight in the sunshine
Twenty minutes later...
Linda felt like she was in a dream. She was lying in field of clover, her hair spread wide by a nice breeze. The sound of Beethoven's Sixth Symphony, the Fifth Movement seemed to be playing, as if the strings were speaking her name. She felt the soft caress of lips kissing her cheek as she heard a voice calling softly...Linda, Linda....
“Linda? Linda ...sweetie...Linda?” She looked up and saw Annette’s smiling yet concerned face.
“Wha...what happened.”
“Not eating is what happened. When’s’ the last time you ate?” Annette took a cup from Bernice and showed it to Linda.
“Vegetable Tofu Soup from King Panda...good for what ails you, sweetie. You passed out. Have you been eating?” Linda looked down and shook her head no.
“Honey...you’ve got to take care of yourself.” She looked up and Bernice smiled. Linda smiled weakly but winced when she continued.
“You just broke up with your boyfriend whom you’ve known since??? Forever?” Linda nodded.
“And you’re feeling more than sorry, right?” Linda looked at her and winced again.
“I’d be willing to be you don’t feel good about yourself...maybe even think you’re not worth the effort...second rate?”
“Where did she get that from?” Linda thought. How could she know?
“You’re not the first person to feel damaged, honey. “ Annette interjected, looking at her empty sleeve. Of course she’d say that; who couldn’t feel hurt and damaged after going through what she had. Linda once again felt very small and bowed her head.
“See, right there is what we’re talking about.” Bernice turned to Dave who shook his head.
“Dave and I still have both our mom and dad, and they love us for who we are. Annette says you lost your dad when you were a kid, and at such an important time in your life."
“How can they equate my hurt with their loss? It just didn’t make sense.” Linda thought, holding her chin against her chest. She started to quiver and tears streamed down her face.
“I’ve known you....an hour, tops? I immediately saw two things...just looking into your eyes.” Bernice smiled, but her own eyes began to fill with tears.
“You bear the weight of the world on your shoulders; like it’s all your fault and responsibility to fix everyone who’s ever been hurt, right?” Bernice didn’t wait for an answer.
“And your heart is filled with so much love, but so much hurt and doubt, honey.” Bernice turned to Dave, who nodded. She continued.
“You have to know that you’re just fine the way you are; there is nothing wrong with you, despite anything you’ve ever heard or even told yourself. And I ought to know how it feels to be on the wrong side of that, right?” She smiled and nodded not really knowing why as the tears still came.
“Your boyfriend left you because he couldn’t handle your heart, dear.” Linda winced until she heard her next words,
“Just being you made it difficult for him to face himself. He’s got to find himself, and it can’t be with you; you’ve already realized that, and it hurts, but it’s not you, honey, no matter what.” She was right, of course.
“Listen, you’re not the first trans-woman to go through this, and you certainly won’t be the last.” Linda was startled to the point of nearly spilling her soup. Annette grabbed her free hand and held it.
“I’m sorry, honey, but you needed another friend; someone who understands what you’re going through.”
No need to laugh and cry
It's a wonderful, wonderful life
No need to run and hide
It's a wonderful, wonderful life
“How...what...Annette...I told that to you in confidence....” She tried to protest, but something seemed oddly good...even right about Bernice and Dave knowing her secret. She looked over at them and Dave smiled.
“Linda Piontak, you’ve met my sister Bernice....meet the former Angelo Seraphino Crocetti.”
He laughed softly at the clever turn of phrase until he noticed that Annette held Linda in her arms once again as the girl had fainted.
No need to run
It's a wonderful, wonderful life
No need to laugh and cry
Free the dream within
The stars are crying a tear
A sigh escapes from heaven
And the world's end
Linda sat at the piano bench, her hands poised to play. Tony got up from the bench and walked around and leaned softly on her shoulder, kissing her right cheek.
“I’ll always love you....”
The soft touch on her shoulder eased as Tony disappeared. Linda looked around to see that she was in a field on a hill overlooking an array of flowers that covered hillside which led away to a beach which in turn led to the ocean. She heard the sound of seagulls filled and the hint of salt filled her nostrils with its welcome aroma.
“’Claire de Lune’, ma fille?”
The man sat beside her, rubbing her right shoulder. She looked into her father’s smiling face and breathed deep, his strong scent of cologne mixed with the salt air.
“Oui, mon pere,” Linda said playfully. She placed her left hand on the keyboard. Her eyes fluttered as she gave out a deep sigh. Had she looked over, she would have seen her father’ eyes close softly, the same deep sigh coming from his mouth. The lovely strains of Debussy came but quickly faded away as she heard her name being called....
Linda's apartment....
"Linda, hon? Are you alright?" Once again, Linda came slowing out of an odd dream to see someone ... Bernice...looking down at her.
"I'mm....I'm okay." She sat up quickly but lost her balance and slumped against the arm of the couch.
"Whoa....easy does it, kiddo," Annette said with a smile. She grabbed Linda's hand and patted it softly.
"What happened?" Linda looked around, dazed.
"I just finished introducing you to my former brother, dear." Dave pointed to Bernice, who had sat down across from Linda and Annette. Dave walked behind Bernice and started rubbing her shoulders.
"She can tell it better than I can, right, Sis?" Bernice nodded and began.
"Mom and Dad were so supportive. I had my surgery after I'd just turned twenty; in fact it was in Montreal...the place to go, huh? Mom is Canadian; my uncle Dave is a surgeon, and worked it out for me." Linda nodded.
"I had all that support, and there still are days when I have doubts...I think we all do, you know? I have a friend in Connecticut who still struggles with it nearly every day; she's the sweetest woman you'd ever want to meet, but her family couldn't accept what she'd done, and they love her as much as anyone can who doesn't understand." Linda shook her head and put it down.
"You blame yourself for your boyfriend...like it's your fault for not being complete, like somehow you got up one day and decided to deceive him."
"He wants kids....I can't give them to him." Linda's lip quivered.
"It's more than that, hon. You want kids, maybe as much as you've ever wanted anything, right? It's in us...built in; because we're women...we want to be mothers. And we can, but not in the way everybody thinks." Linda began to tear, mirroring Bernice.
"You have so much love in you, Linda." Annette patted her hand once again. "So much love for everyone, but not enough, maybe even none for yourself."
"I tried so hard to make him happy. And it wasn't enough...." Linda's voice trailed off as she looked down at her body.
"I'll never be enough...." She kept shaking her head as if to convince herself of the truth of her misconception.
"That's what I tell myself maybe every other month? Some days are better than others. I think the more support you have the better it gets, but only you can tell yourself the truth, hon."
"I'd be willing to bet you even feel guilty about feeling bad....like you owe it to someone to be brave...you're almost twenty yourself and you figure you should grow up, right?" Linda shrugged her shoulders and nodded.
Annette interjected,
"You're a beautiful woman who doesn't see what everybody else sees. Just like you figured out how much encouragement and love your students and friends need, someone will come along and help you realize that about yourself. How precious and special you are...how lovely a person you are."
"Tony is a great guy, but right now he's into his own issues, and he really has never been able to be that for you. Oh he loves you in his own way, but he hasn't been able to build you up, especially now when your own huge doubts and fears tear you down."
"He's really a good guy," Linda said, nodding her head, "I just wish things had worked out....It hurts so much." She put her head on Annette's shoulder. Bernice got up and stood next to her. She patted her on the back and spoke.
"Your loss can't be mixed together with everything else. It hurts, honey, but it's not because you're any less that you think you should be. If anything, you loss is because Tony isn't ready to be what he should be for you, and that's just how it is."
"I...I...know.....I just didn't think anything could ever hurt this much." Linda sobbed.
"It's okay, honey...let it out....get it all out....you're going to be just fine.....and everything is going to work out...I'm sure of it." Bernice looked at the girl and felt more confident than she would have ever expected, only just having met the girl, but something just felt good and hopeful.
Late August at Julliard...
“Ms. Piontak?” Linda had finished her last lesson for the afternoon, hoping to go home early. She turned and saw Nate and Cassie standing in the doorway.
“Nate...Cassie...how are things with you two?” She smiled as she noticed the pair holding hands.
“Pretty good....I wanted to thank you.” Nate beamed. Cassie squeezed his arm.
“I don’t think I would ever have appreciated my music if it weren’t for our talk. I’ve been listening to my playing like it’s a conversation with the piano, like we said?”
“He even puts his head on the piano sometimes while he plays.” Callie smiled and rubbed his arm.
“And I think I’m finally figuring it out with the rest of my life....like I finally know what it is to serve rather than expect to be served all the time, ya know?”
Linda nodded and smiled broadly.
“I don’t know if I’d even still be in school if it weren’t for you, Ms. Piontak. Thanks.” The two leaned closer and hugged Linda before Nate finally said,
“It’s like you helped me realize what’s really important. Thank you so much!” The two walked away and Linda picked up her briefcase. She walked down the hallway, and her step seemed to be a bit bouncier than usual.
“Linda?” Another familiar voice called her from behind. She turned to see Annette walking quickly toward her.
“Hi...what’s up?” She cut the distance between them in half as she walked toward her friend.
“You have time to talk?” Linda nodded as the two walked toward the office.
“I’ve a huge favor to ask. Now before you answer, you need to know that I don’t want you to feel obligated...okay?” Annette smiled.
“For you, anything, my dear.” Linda laughed softly.
“You know the benefit concert the students are putting on for Melanie and Carmine? They’ve asked the faculty to participate.” Their daughter was okay, but the added doctor bills from the unanticipated surgery had put them back severely. The students were going to pay the expenses of the concert themselves and turn the proceeds over to the couple.
“I’d be happy to play, dear, but I’m nowhere near what these kids are.” She smiled and almost automatically looked down at the floor, feeling unworthy.
“Well, that’s only part of my request, and you’re so much better than you think....I don’t know anyone who plays with as much feeling as you do. But I have something else I need help with.” Now it was Annette’s turn to look down.
“I told you anything; please....whatever you want.” She put her hand on Annette’s left shoulder.
“I need some help, and only you can help me. I want to play for the concert.... Melanie and Carmine have been my friends for such a long time, and I feel like it’s something I don’t just want to do; I need to feel a part of it.” Linda nodded, wondering where Annette was going with it until she noticed her friend looking at her left hand.
“You play left and I play right, you know?” She said it as if it were something that was done all the time. Her smile exuded confidence that it would not only work, but it just might be something special; it certainly was special enough for Linda to say,
“I’d be honored. What do you want to play? Beethoven? Prokofiev? I’ve heard the recording of your Moonlight Sonata...what would you like?”
“I was thinking of Claire de Lune?”
After a few rough patches the first six times through, the duo seemed to come together when Linda suggested that they move closer together on the piano bench. Annette shied away at first as Linda put her right arm around Annette’s waist, pulling the two closer.
“Feels like a three legged race,” Annette joked nervously. The two looked at each other as if to say, “Here goes nothing,” but the results were truly something special. Each time through seemed to be better than the time before until it was as if the two had melded together to become one. It was something so wonderful; you might almost have anticipated what happened next.
“This is so much fun, kiddo.” Annette said, unknowingly once again using the same pet name Linda’s father had used when she was little. Linda turned and smiled and noticed a look on Annette’s face that even may have caught Annette unawares.
“Annette? What’s wrong?” Linda frowned as if she had done something, but Annette shook her head.
“No, honey...I’m sorry...you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just that when I got back from Iraq I thought I had lost my music forever...and you just gave it back to me...This is the best day of my life, and I’m just...so happy.”
She put her hand to her face and began to cry softly at first, then weeping in sheer joy. Linda embraced her friend, wanting to comfort her and feel close. And it happened.
“I’m so happy for you...you deserve the best...I’ve been hoping and praying that something would bring you a blessing...I couldn’t dream I’d be part of it.”
Linda began to cry, mostly from her own healing but also from the privilege she felt in knowing such a precious friend. She kissed Annette on the cheek. Annette turned to her.
“I....I have to go....please let go of me.” Tears streamed down Annette’s cheeks, falling onto the keyboard and her hand. Her voice was nervous, but she wasn’t angry or upset; she seemed fearful in fact.
“What’s wrong? What have I done?” Linda continued to hold her friend close even as she felt Annette pull against her embrace.
“Nothing....you haven’t done anything wrong...I have.”
Annette shook her head even as Linda put her hand to her friend’s face.
“What could you possibly have done? You’re the best friend anyone could ever have. You’ve been like a sister to me.” Annette winced at the word, ‘sister.”
“No...I’ve....we can’t...I need to go.”
By now, Annette was weeping, pulling against her friend’s embrace even as she welcomed it. She turned and faced Linda and the look in her eyes was something Linda had never seen before, at least with someone else; a look of pain mixed with gladness, as if she was being flooded with more conflict than a human being should endure. The look that says, “I don’t deserve to be happy, can’t you see that?” The same look that Linda saw when she viewed her own reflection in the mirror.
“No...don’t go...stay...it’s okay.” Linda said to Annette as she kissed her cheek again; a sisterly kiss meant to console and show acceptance, but she could never have anticipated what happened next. Instead of continuing to struggle, it was as if Annette all at once agreed suddenly with what she had been telling Linda all along for herself; that she was worthy of love.
She leaned closer and kissed her; tentatively at first, as if she feared Linda would bolt from their embrace. Her lips brushed softly against Linda’s, sending a shudder down Linda’s back. Almost instantly, Linda found herself kissing back. She kissed the corner of Annette’s mouth, lingering and savoring the tears that had collected there. The salt was mixed with the taste of Annette’s lipstick, and it was likely the sweetest taste that Linda had ever experienced. She continued to kiss Annette, who took her hand and pushed it through Linda’s hair.
“I’m so sorry....” Linda began to sob....
“I never meant to....I’m so sorry...” She tried to stop, but she kept kissing Annette even as her apologies grew quiet. Both protested but both failed to convince each other and they continued to kiss until Annette pulled away suddenly. She stood up and turned to leave, but felt Linda’s hand on her skirt.
“Please...I’m so sorry....don’t go...I’m sorry.”
“I have to...I’m sorry too.” Linda sat helpless as Annette walked quickly through the door and was gone.
That evening at Linda's apartment....
“Daddy...what did I do? She’s my best friend and I ruined it all...I took something she can never... something she needed so badly and I made it my own.” Linda held the picture; her father’s smiling face looking on with his constant approval. She wanted to argue against that look but found herself more confused than ever until she heard his voice in her heart once again.
“Lee, It’s okay...don’t worry.”
She couldn’t even remember what he was trying to soothe; what pain he wanted to heal, but the words crossed years once again as she recalled the soft touch of his hand against her face, drying her tears.
“Whom did you want to please, Lee?”
She thought for a moment and a smile began to break across her face even as the tears still fell. She had wanted only the best for Annette. Her father’s touch spanned time as the pat on her back made her consider that maybe it was she who was best for Annette. She sighed, believing herself to be wrong once again. The phone rang. She picked it up quickly, failing to look at the caller ID, hoping to hear from her friend.
“Annette?” She said softly. A brief silence was quickly followed by an unfamiliar voice.
“Hello, Is this Linda Piontak?”
“Yes,” Linda said as she wiped her face with her sleeve. “Who is this?”
“Hello...You don’t know me. My name is Astrid Menendez.....” Her voice trailed off and Linda shuddered at the familiar last name, her worst fears confirmed a second later.
“I’m Tony’s wife....we have to talk.”
Free the dream within
The stars are crying a tear
A sigh escapes from heaven
And the world's end
I don't know what is going on
You turn around and touch my heart
A silent moment speaks the truth
Something has happened all at once
It should have scared me in advance
But I was falling in those eyes of yours
"Excuse me? Tony Menendez isn't married...not the Tony I know." Linda argued, but she wasn't even convincing to herself.
"You are Linda Piontak, right? Look, I'm sorry this is so abrupt, but I really need talk to you and I'd rather not say anything more until I can see you face to face. Can you meet me sometime for coffee? Starbucks near Julliard?”
"I don't know...okay...sure...why not." Linda said reluctantly. Part of her had still held out hope that Tony had changed, but now that was a moot point as far as she was concerned.
“I’ve got your number saved in my phone…I’ll call you tomorrow.” She tried to sound angry and icy, but it just wasn’t in her, evoking Astrid’s response,
“And Linda…for what it’s worth, I didn’t know about you and Tony…and I am so sorry you had to find out this way.” She hung up as Linda said to herself,
“So am I.” She tried so hard not to cry, but the residuals of love don’t fade as quickly as the relationship and she began to weep. He hadn’t changed at all, she felt, and likely never would. But he had changed, and for the better, much to the benefit of everyone he knew, including himself, as Linda would find out eventually.
Julliard…three days later….
I know you
You're not from here
I've waited for you to appear
To take my breath away
"Annette?" Linda called down the hallway as she spied her friend...no, that wasn't right...much more than just a friend...walked away from her. She brushed past several students with an urgency that almost forgave the rudeness of her path. Annette turned around, feeling the touch on her shoulder. She tried not to wince, but wince she did. She smiled awkwardly, acting as if she hadn't seen Linda when both of them knew she had.
"Oh...hi." She said softly even as she tried to step side-ways to avoid Linda's touch.
"Annette...please?" Linda tilted her head, trying to read Annette's expression.
"How are you?" Annette said almost automatically, as if the moment they shared the other day had never taken place.
"How am I? You ask me how I am?" Linda wanted to be angry; it was almost as if the whole day together had been a dream, and she wanted it so badly to be real.
"I don't know how I am. I can't even think straight. You don't return my calls; you walk away when you see me." Linda bit her lip as tears came to her eyes. She felt abandoned; more over she felt rejected. But the look in Annette's eyes convinced her otherwise.
"What did I do to push you away? I'm sorry if I hurt you. It wasn't something I ever thought I'd do, and I would give that all away if I knew you didn't hate me." She gasped as Annette pushed her hand away while grasping it tightly.
"Hate you....I don't hate you. Let's just leave it at that...okay? I've got to get to a meeting, and I can't talk right now. I'll talk to you, okay?"
Annette pulled away abruptly and walked quickly down the hall, leaving Linda to wonder how things would ever be the same. She didn't realize that things would never be the same again between them, but that wasn't necessarily a bad thing, which she would discover shortly.
And make me weep
You're not from here
Not from this here and now
Just a touch of yours
Linda’s apartment that evening….
Linda sat on the couche; her legs tucked uunderneath her with phone in hand as she spoke hee mother.
"Mom...I'm so confused. I don't know what to do, and it's so hard...it's almost like Tony all over again, but it feels even worse in some ways because I didn't expect it and now it's gone." Linda heard her mother talking to Laura.
"No, Mom, I haven't talked to her or Tony since she called....it's too hard...what? Well, she didn't go into anything....He hasn't called you either? How's Laura...Yeah ...I can understand how she feels...no, I take that back. I could never understand how she....Yes...well, Mom, it's not like I'll ever be a mother, you know...I'm sorry...I didn't mean to ...okay." She paused while Susan got Laura to the phone.
"Yes...of course....No...What? That's nice of you to say...I know you're not just saying that...it's just that I don't have any hope, Laura...no hope at all." Linda began to mist up at the thought of never having children; the sore point sticking her right in the heart once again.
"Laura...okay, Momma, I wish it were different....no, she's pushing me away... she's pushing...not leaving.... she's....oh gosh, I never thought of that....Pull harder? How do I...well....I do love her, but I don't....it wouldn't hurt as much? I don't know, Laur...Momma, I just don't....Okay...okay, I promise to try...what could happen that could be worse, right? Okay...I love you so much...." She held the phone in her hand waiting for her mother to return.
"She's so...I 'm so glad you found someone to love...yeah...like an angel...Mom... I'm.... I'm afraid... yeah....just like that....no...It’s so....like nothing I've ever felt. I don't want to start something...it's already started? I guess so...Mom....I wish you were here....Yeah...I talk to Daddy all the time now....you too? What about Laura...oh...I understand...she still talks to Tony's dad too? It doesn't stop, does it....maybe when I get off the phone with you...yeah, I'm sure he'll be glad to hear from you, too. I love you too, Mom...I hope it does...yeah...I know...I love you....okay...I'll call you tomorrow."
Linda hung up phone and walked over to her bookcase, picking up her father's picture once again.
"If you're the best friend you can be, Lee, things usually work out."
"Dad...she doesn't want to talk to me...like somehow we're both doing something wrong."
She recalled a similar talk she had years ago; how Lee was being treated by his best friend Jeff, who had started ignoring him over an argument they had regarding matchbox cars.
"Be a friend, Lee, that's all you can do. I promise everything will work out somehow."
"Okay, Daddy, I'll try. Mom says hi.” She laughed softly and then stared at her father’s smile once again, which brought a feeling of safety, which in turn evoked,
“Daddy...I miss you so much," she began to sob as she sat down on the couch. She remembered his last words to her, a phone call the night before he was killed in action.
"I miss you too, Lee...more than I can say. Give Mommy a hug for me and know that I love you." She put the picture against her bosom and wept.
And so
Fear was gone
I knew there was nothing else
I'd ever want
Julliard…the following day…
Linda walked into the practice room and found Annette sitting at the piano. She walked over and stood next to the piano as Annette started to get up.
“You can have this...I’ve got to go.” Annette looked up as Linda put her hand on her shoulder.
“No, you’re not going anywhere, and neither am I.” She pushed down and prevented Annette from getting off the bench.
“Stop...I can’t.” Linda noticed that Annette’s eyes were very red, probably as red as her own, and she spoke.
“At least tell me why...you owe me that much after the other day.”
“I...This is wrong....it can’t be....I don’t...” Annette began to shudder and tears flowed down her cheeks.
“What? Don’t what, Annette? Don’t what...Deserve? You don’t deserve what?” Linda bit her lip to keep from crying. She needed to know for Annette’s sake as well as her own.
“Shhh...Shouldn’t be here...should have died....not fair.” She looked at her stump which stuck out from her short sleeve; it was as if the disfigurement were the better part of a deal she had struck unknowingly.
“What’s not fair? Let me in, Annette.” The woman shied away from her; Linda detected shame and guilt, and she needed to know why.
“I should have died....Megan....she was engaged....almost through with her tour.” Linda sat down on the opposite side of the bench and looked into Annette’s eyes; guilt mixed with sadness mixed with relief.
“When we got in the Hummer; I insisted riding shotgun... she sat in back....We weren’t even supposed to be there....supply convoy got mixed up...turned the wrong way.” Annette’s eyes begged forgiveness, but it wasn’t from Linda she sought her absolution.
“We ran over an IED....the blast sent me out the door and into a pile of hay....I sat up and it was gone...the Hummer was blown to bits and Megan was gone...and Juan and Bennie, too. I...” She looked again at where her left arm once had been and began to shake violently.
“Should have died....she was supposed to be in front....her wedding....I should have died.” Linda pulled her close and stroked her hair as she sobbed, convulsing enough to shake the bench.
“No...No...Not your fault.” Linda said softly in Annette’s ear.
“It happened...not your fault, honey...don’t cry...please...it’s not your fault.” Linda began to weep, maybe more than she had ever cried. She cried for the girl who died...she cried for Annette...she cried for Tony...not for herself other than that she realized if things had been a little different that day, she would never have even met the love of her life.
“You deserve to live because you survived. You lost so much that day, but you survived, and I am so glad you did. I love you.”
She pulled Annette into a kiss; not amorous or romantic in the truest sense, but romantic in that it was the purest expression of acceptance and love that she had ever expressed, and it was almost sacred. Annette surrendered to the love of her best friend; the love that would heal wounds too deep for a surgeon’s scalpel; wounds that while unseen did more damage to Annette than any other harm would or could do.
“I don’t deserve you.” Annette sobbed.
Linda didn’t want to be abrupt or dismissive, but she couldn’t bear her love repeating a lie that her guilt and shame had spoken. So she kissed her again; this time amorously and romantically. She was a child becoming a woman becoming a lover; perhaps a wife, and she kissed Annette like there was no other way to demonstrate their love. Linda left her childhood behind as she became for Annette what Annette was becoming for her as well; she had found her partner...her mirror image; opposite and yet alike as well.
Just a touch of yours
And I fly... and I fly... and I fly
I can't get used to missing you
And yet Annette also grew that day as well. Just as Linda attained a measure of maturity, Annette regained a measure of her lost innocence and childhood. Where a moment before sat a younger woman, inexperienced and filled with doubt and another woman sat, older and wiser and doubtful in her own way; now sat two women, equal and certain and secure in one solid and tangible thing; their love for each other.
“You...you really love me?” Annette said it as if she feared Linda would say no.
“Yes...oh yes.” She kissed her again, this time with less urgency; the guilt and shame faded away as both realized that they were lovable and truly loved. She kissed her with a tenderness she had never ever known she had; as a lover instead of a student. She kissed her mentor who had become her beloved. And Annette treasured and savored the kiss, from her own beloved; no longer ashamed, but filled with pride and joy for the first time in her life.
That afternoon…at Linda’s apartment…
Chopin's Nocturne played softly in the background as they sat on Linda’s couch.
“I bet you think I’m being silly.” Annette said. Linda shook her head no.
“I...I think it’s sweet.” She shrugged her shoulders slightly and smiled.
“Okay...but only if it’s okay with you?” Annette asked and Linda nodded with a big grin.
She picked up the picture from the couch and held it out so they could both see Linda’s father smiling at them from beyond the past.
“Mr. Piontak....Oh gosh...this is so...” She looked at Linda once again who used her eyes as if to say,
“Well, go ahead, he won’t bite.”
“Mr. Piontak,” Annette said softly as her eyes began to mist.
“I love your daughter....and I wanted you to know that if she’ll have me, I’d like to ask...” She hesitated again, but not out of embarrassment. She still felt a bit guilty and unworthy; a habit which would fade away, but slowly and only with Linda’s help.
“I’d love to marry your daughter.” A mean feat to accomplish, even in as progressive a state as New York, but since Linda was on the near side of her surgery, she was still legally male, and as such no barriers prevented their marriage. Just the one, most important detail remained. Linda looked at her father’s face; once again seeing those loving and accepting eyes, remembering something her father once said.
“Don’t forget, Lee. Try to put others needs above your own. If everybody did that, we’d all be much happier people, right? I trust you, and whatever you want in life, if it brings joy to you and blesses someone else, you know I’ll be behind you, okay?”
“So...what did he say?”
Annette wasn’t being disrespectful or patronizing at all; she knew that Linda would know what her father would say if he were there. Linda’s broad smile and happy tears said it all, and the two embraced, giggling and laughing in excited joy.
She held her father’s picture again, and his presence seemed to fade; the photo looked more like an old picture than it ever had even as her father seemed to retreat once again into the past. She knew then that while she’d always have the love of her father, every bit of acceptance and affirmation sat beside her, and she’d never want for either of those again.
I know you
You're not from here
You don't belong to lies and tears
The greatness of your soul
Makes me weep
You're not from here
Not from this here and now
Just a touch of yours
And I fly... and I fly... and I fly
Tell me, tell me how you knew about my heart
You see, see the things that no one else could see
I thought, I was doing fine until you turn my life around
With everything you'd find
Deep inside I thought that I had died
Starbucks near Lincoln Center, several days later...
Linda arrived fifteen minutes before ten, wanting to get a seat that would allow her to scope out the competition, despite the fact that there was no longer any competition. In fact, the girl she was about to meet was her new...sister-in-law. She sat back and sipped her cranberry juice as she waited for the new Mrs. Menendez.
A tall girl walked into the shop. She looked very determined, very pretty and very tall. Was it the girl she had seen Tony with all those weeks ago? Linda stood and went to greet the girl, who just walked by and waved to some friends in the back of the shop. Linda shook her head and sat down, laughing softly to herself. She looked over at the clock on the wall behind the counter but turned as she heard,
“Hi…Linda?” The girl smiled and sat down. She was only a bit taller than Linda, and apart from her blond hair, was fairly nondescript. And not the girl she thought was the girl she had seen.
“Hi, I guess you know…I’m Astrid…” Linda waited for the “Menendez,” but the girl just continued.
“I’m going to get a coffee, you want?” Linda nodded.
"Dark, no sugar?"
Astrid got up and walked over to the counter as Linda sat dumbfounded. She had thought that the girl would have been the one she had seen the day Tony had told her about the tour. The girl returned a moment later and sat down once again. She looked away, as if she were trying to gain some courage.
“First off…I want to apologize before we go any further. You never deserved the way you were treated and I am so sorry.”
“Typical,” Linda thought. Tony was letting someone else fix his problem.
“Well, it’s alright now.”
Linda lied. It wasn’t alright. She was in a wonderful relationship with Annette, but the fallout from the hurt over Tony’s behavior still hung like a cloud over her head, even if it was slowly but surely dissipating in the breeze.
“No…it’s not. You didn’t deserve the way you were treated after all you had been through together. I…I’m so sorry.”
The girl’s eyes were filled with tears, which threw Linda off. She had set out that morning wanting to be angry, but the girl was making it very hard.
“Listen…why did you want to meet me? You didn’t have to talk with me at all; it’s really Tony’s responsibility…and where is he anyway?” Astrid looked out the window once again before answering.
“I wanted to tell you how it all happened…try to put some sense to it…context. And Tony’s not the only guilty party here. He had...well, he had split with the cellist from the ensemble and...We both knew when we got married that you two had plans… we just didn’t count on falling in love.” It was like a line out of a Diane Lane movie, and Linda was disappointed that she was the victim of the whole charade. Linda wasn’t a victim at all; in fact, there were never any victims, which she was going to find out.
“I guess you had to say something since Tony’s in Europe?”
“Tony is here…the tour was canceled at the last minute. We live in Queens.” Astrid’s tone was more relaxed, but she still was misty-eyed.
“Whaaa…what?” It was Linda’s turn to look out the window. Astrid reached over and touched Linda’s wrist softly. Any resolve that Linda had in remaining angry went out the window as she took note of the girl’s tears once again.
“We got married two weeks ago. You have to know neither one of us wanted to see you hurt in any way, but we were so self-centered…so into us that we lost all perspective.” Her words weren’t so much an excuse as a confession.
“I’ve been after him to call you…just to talk to you, but it’s just too hard.” Linda couldn’t understand that other than reluctance, why anything would keep her best friend from at least acknowledging what had taken place…no, what he had chosen.
“I don’t understand. You said you live in Queens…why hasn’t Tony tried to contact me.?”
“You have to understand that he’s simply so sorry; so ashamed of what he did…like he can’t face you.”
“So you’re apologizing for him?” Linda bit her lip, feeling disappointed once again that Tony didn’t have the decency to talk to her face to face.
“I’m only speaking for myself. It’s really up to Tony to talk to you. I’m only sorry that he can’t.”
“How can he not talk to me?” Linda thought.
“You look familiar…you in the ensemble? Didn’t I see you in the cafeteria at school?” Linda looked askance at the girl who shook her head.
“Oh, no…I don’t play an instrument. I sing…occasionally. And I’m not a student. I studied voice until I ended up with polyps and an esophageal ulcer. I graduated from CCNY a few years ago with a BSN.” She smiled, looking much more relaxed and at ease.
“You’re a nurse?”
“Yeah… Brookdale, right around the corner from your neighborhood. You really don’t know who I am?”
“No…but you look so familiar.” Linda smiled and tilted her head in thought.
“We share a commonality besides Tony, Linda. We’re so much more alike than either of us would have known.” She nodded and smiled as if to say, “hmmm???” Linda still looked almost clueless.
“I go to a support group at St. Jerome’s Episcopal, but I went to the support group at Julliard until February since I knew folks there from before I left for CCNY. That’s where we met.” She smiled again and a look of recognition crossed her face. Linda only attended one support group; a group for transgender women. Astrid nodded.
“My last name is Nilsson. My birth name was Anders….it could have been Lars or Ulfie…hell, what else would you name your Swedish-Danish son?” She laughed softly and patted her wrist once again.
“So we have a lot more than family in common. I hope that we can at least get along for Laura’s sake.”
Linda winced at the mention of her step-mother’s name. How could she even think about being family with this woman when she was hurting from the slight. She sighed out of frustration before asking,
“I don’t understand? If you’re not a part of the ensemble, how do you even know Tony?”
She asked the question as if Astrid had crashed a private party. Astrid frowned and tears came to her eyes once again.
“You know how Laura’s family has a history of heart problems and such?” Linda nodded, wondering where Astrid was going, but she could tell by the look on her face that it wasn’t any place safe.
“I work at the Stroke Center at Brookdale…Linda….Tony had a stroke right before the tour was to have left; he’s been rehabbing since the beginning of summer. Linda…oh God, I’m so sorry…” Astrid had nothing to apologize for at this point, but she felt guilty nonetheless at not having spoken to Linda sooner.
“He’s recovering better than anyone could hope for…only a bit of a problem with some words, but he’s gotten so much better that the doctor is confident that he’ll be back to normal, speaking wise by next spring.”
"He's changed so much...you wouldn't know it from the outside....maybe...but something broke inside of him...he's so kind and caring. There's something that left...whatever you want to call it...selfishness... ego? I don't know, but he's like reborn...and maybe me too?"
Her voice trailed off as she looked out the window, which seemed to be more of a safe distraction than a source of strength for either woman. When she turned again she was struggling to not to cry, and failing miserably. Linda looked in her eyes and knew immediately what she was trying to say.
“No…Oh God no….oh no.” Linda grabbed both of Astrid’s hands with her own. She leaned across the small table and placed her forehead against Astrid’s.
“Tell me…tell me he’s going to be okay…tell me….” She sobbed as Astrid shook her head no.
The two women drew the attention of an older couple sitting at the table next to the window. The wife looked at her husband and rolled her eyes and shook her head. Her husband just dismissed the two with a wave.
“He’s going….going to be able to use his left hand…eventually.” Astrid said haltingly after swallowing hard.
“But….”
She shook her head again before placing it on her arms on the table, and Linda began to weep softly, partly out of compassion for the woman before her, for the love that once was and the true deep abiding love that remained for Tony, but so much more for the shame of feeling so selfish and small; she knew from the look on Astrid’s face that Tony would never play concert piano again.
Linda's apartment that afternoon...
(You make me believe) When I thought that love was gone, all gone
(You make me believe) And you prove that love was strong, so strong
(You make me believe) 'Cause you touch inside of me
Something I would never have believed
Until
Until you conquered me
Annette heard the muted sounds of Beethoven's 7th, the moving passionate and sad second movement...Annette knew something wasn't right...something sad and sorrowful filled the apartment along with the music.
“Hi…kiddo? Linda?” Annette called at the doorway. Even with their relationship, Annette honored Linda’s space. Poking her head in, she spotted Linda sitting on the couch, rocking slowly as she sang softly to herself.
“Honey? Are you okay? How did your meeting with Astrid go?” Not too good, she thought, by the looks of it. Linda looked up and smiled.
“Oh…hi…o…okkkkay.” Linda began to sob softly.
“What’s wrong? What happened?” She hesitated asking any more questions, and sat quietly while rubbing Linda’s left arm.
"They've been married....two weeks....hardly knew each other....they met...." Linda paused and shuddered.
“Tony had a stroke…..he had….he can’t….ever.” If anyone would know how Tony felt, it would be Annette. She pulled Linda close and kissed her cheek.
“Oh, God no, honey….no…” Annette said softly. Linda began to sob harder and Annette just softly repeated,
“Shhhhhh….shhhh,” while stroking Linda’s hair.
“I’ve been so wrong….I’m so….He was my best friend…and I’ve been so angry since he left.” Annette knew that the anger wasn’t out of jealousy…well perhaps some. Even she knew how tangled folks can stay even after they move on and find new love.
“I know honey…it’s okay….it’s going to be alright.”
You say, you can our future
In my eyes
You say, you can break the chain that always ties me there
Teach me how to fly again
You make my life complete
The love you give to me
Deep inside I know that this is right
If any other human being had uttered those words, they would have rung hollow, but from her lover, they rang loud and crystal clear. It still hurt, more than any other pain that Linda had ever experienced, and it was a good pain, since it was focused outward in disappointment and sadness rather than her tears and sadness of the past.
“You must hate me…I don’t deserve you.”
Annette had heard those words out of her own mouth enough to finally have realized how untrue they were. She pushed Linda away slightly and looked in her eyes.
“That’s a lie from hell, Linda…stop it. You and I are one…we were meant for each other. If I deserve to have your love…then you deserve mine…always.” She pulled Linda into her and kissed her, tenderly… softly, as if she were treasuring her as a delicate flower, easily bruised and broken.
Linda returned her kiss with her own. She looked at Annette and saw only acceptance; an acceptance that she only recently began to appreciate. And then she looked away slightly to her right. Annette was wearing a light blue silk sleeveless top, which was very pretty, but also revealed Annette’s shortened shoulder stump. The limb, such as it was, still bore the scars of both injury and healing.
Linda leaned closer and began to kiss Annette’s shoulder, softly kissing each scar one by one, as if it were a sacred task. Annette shuddered as nerves were provoked by feelings long thought dead. It almost felt ticklish…that feeling you might have if you’ve ever cut yourself deeply and the touch of the fabric of a trouser leg or sleeve scraped over the long healed scar.
“S…stop.” Linda looked up and Annette had begun to sob. Not out of sadness, but out of sheer exhilaration from being accepted and even adored despite her disfigurement. She had seen only a lack, but Linda saw beauty….
“I love you so much.” Their words came almost simultaneously, a duet composed and scored with pain and sadness, but more so…ever so much more written by the joy and love they had for each other.
I was lost
I thought I would always be alone
I thought I could make it on my own
But you...
Changed my life
Now...
Everything I thought my life could be
Changed the day you conquered me
Reprise – Conquered
Tell me, tell me how you knew about my heart
You see, see the things that no one else could see
I thought, I was doing fine until you turn my life around
With everything you'd find
Deep inside I thought that I had died
The Menendez apartment…
The doorbell rang twice. Astrid went to get up to answer it, but Tony shook his head.
"No...No..." He struggled to speak; the words were no longer slurred, but it took him a bit longer to say them.
"Honey...she loves you...she never stopped loving you." Astrid walked to the door and opened it, hugging Linda and Annette.
"I'm glad you came...." She took a breath and then turned to find Tony had walked out of the living room and was sitting at the kitchen table. It was almost as if he were a kid trying to play hide and seek.
"Tony, come on...this is important. For all of us." Astrid looked at Linda as if to say, "What should I do?" This was all new to her, being an only child who had been rejected long before her transition; her parents were indifferent and would have ignored and neglected her even if she hadn't changed.
"I think I can help..." Annette's voice trailed off as she walked quickly into the kitchen. He really had panicked; Tony was sitting at the table sobbing with his face buried in his arms resting on the table.
"Hey...it's okay." Annette's unfamiliar voice surprised Tony. He looked up to see Annette looking at him sympathetically, and she put her hand on his shoulder.
"Whatever it is, we're all here for each other. Like it or not, no matter what you think should have happened, it didn't. And no matter how disappointing things turned out; no matter how angry you are at yourself? We're family, and we're not going anywhere." Annette patted him on the back before continuing.
"I'm going to see if there's any tea, and maybe we can sit down here and talk, alright?" She nearly whispered it as she patted him on the back once again. He looked up and noticed her face was kind and accepting; something he felt he didn't deserve. And then he noticed that her left sleeve was pinned at the shoulder.
"Tea is in the cabinet right over the stove. There's an electric kettle on the counter." Astrid pointed as she stood back. Annette seemed to be taking charge, but not taking over, it that makes sense. For someone she had just met, Astrid was amazed at how comfortable she felt around Annette. A few moments later, the quartet sat at the table, almost enjoying an uneasy truce in a war that should never have been declared.
"Linda? I wanted to apologize to you while you're here and apologize to my husband" Astrid looked at Tony and tears began to fall.
"I wanted so much to fix things...that's what I do...I'm a nurse...I can't stand to see people hurt. But I was wrong in speaking for Tony. It wasn't my place for either of your sakes to say anything other than my own regrets. And I'm so sorry for my part."
"I've been thinking about that day ever since we talked. I'm not angry with you, but I was upset; I should have stopped you right then and there, so it's partly my fault for not speaking up. But you're right; Tony needs to speak for himself." As she said the last few words, she turned and faced Tony as if requesting his reply.
"I pushed you away...over and over....I kept telling myself it was all your fault, but it wasn't. I was so wrapped up in what I thought you wanted that I didn't ask you. I was so afraid you'd leave me that I pushed you away. But you didn't have to leave, either. You never took the time to tell me what you wanted or needed. I spent weeks waiting for you to change, when I needed to change; and I have. I'm not the girl you remember; just as you're not the boy I fell in love with.
"Linda….I’m…so….sorry…” It was painful to watch him struggle with just a few words. He took a breath, strengthened by Astrid gripping his left hand.
"You…deserve…better…:” She was tempted to forgive him right then and there, but like a caterpillar, he needed the resistance of his struggle to continue his change. Anything less than allowing him to speak, as much as a struggle as it was, would be a disservice to all of them.
"Please…forgive……me?” Astrid turned her head and began to weep. Yes it was painful, but the smile than began to grow on Tony's face was indication that he was glad that he had to be there, as difficult as it was.
"Tony, as God is my witness, I forgive you." It wasn't an emotional act; it couldn't be for it to be real; she was still hurt over the years of friendship he had cast away so carelessly. She was still disappointed in her own lack of self-esteem that led to her fears. Both needed to have the other accept them; they were joined forever by their parent's marriage and now, even if things weren't as they felt they should have been, they still could be something wonderful.
"Please forgive me," the voice came from beside Linda. Annette put her hand on Tony's and Astrid's.
"I was so angry that you had hurt Linda; I was so protective; even before we knew we loved each other." Tony looked at her without any understanding other than that it was more than a gesture. Annette truly wanted forgiveness and reconciliation. Astrid grabbed Annette's hand and squeezed, her tears welling up in her eyes once more.
"I am so sorry for hurting you." The words were still slow, but came incredibly from Tony's mouth.
"You were…my…best…friend." He put his head down and wept, not out of shame, though he felt ashamed. He mourned the loss of something special that he would never have again; a trust that was violated beyond complete repair, and the realization that he caused the death of that trust and care overwhelmed him.
"I love you....I always will....nothing will change that...ever. But we're happy now...all of us, for what it's worth. And I am sorry for my part, too. We can sit here and apologize all night long, but it's time we let it go." Linda's voice was calm and measured; she seemed to exercise an authority like nothing anyone could remember, including her; it surprised her, but came as no surprise to Annette, who believed in her even before she believed in herself.
"I have a suggestion, if you're willing." Annette looked over at Linda, seeking permission for what she was about to say. Linda didn't know what it would be, but she trusted her future wife, and nodded in agreement.
"We have to....well, we want to, but in order for this to work, we have to get married before Linda has her surgery. With a tentative date of February 20th, we talked it over with Susan and Laura. If you would like, I...." She paused and looked at Linda, who smiled and nodded again, knowing where Annette was going with it.
"Maybe you'd like to attend at our wedding? I mean not just come to it, but be witnesses?"
Astrid looked at Annette. Here was the day of a lifetime for both Annette and Linda, and they were willing to overlook...no, that wasn't right. They were willing to set aside any hurt to bring peace to the family.
"You mean....stand up for you?"
"Yes...I think it would mean the world to Tony's and Linda's moms, and it would help put the past behind us."
"I'll have to think about it." Astrid shook her head. Each of them felt that the hurt of the breakup was healing; would their presence hinder or help Linda and Annette. For that matter, would it help her and Tony.
"I...I....don't...deserve....it." Tony shook his head. And his words were filled with truth and conviction; he wasn't playing martyr. He truly felt that he didn't deserve to share in the celebration because he still felt guilty.
"No...you don't. But can't you see. This is where it all started, and it has to end here. You and I are going to feel badly, but you and I have so much now." She certainly wasn't minimizing Tony's stroke; the recovery would still be long and hard, and just like the death of their relationship, Tony needed to mourn the death of his gift. But just like the death, there was also a resurrection of sorts for both of them.
"Astrid loves you. And Annette loves me. We're happy...all of us, when it comes down to it. Yes, we have our struggles, but we're strong and we have those who love and care for us."
"I feel that I've been blessed beyond anything I could ever have imagined....and I'm not second best, do you understand?" Annette stared at Astrid, who looked away in embarrassment.
"I noticed that when no one was talking....every time....Tony looked at you, Astrid...and he wasn't looking for an answer or advice or pity or help. His eyes just loved the heck out of you!" Astrid turned to see her husband's steady gaze; Annette had seen something very special, even if it was birthed out of pain and disappointment, Tony's love was sincere and true...truer than anything he had ever held dear. Not baseball, not piano, not Linda. Astrid was loved by her husband.
(You make me believe) When I thought that love was gone, all gone
(You make me believe) And you prove that love was strong, so strong
(You make me believe) 'Cause you touch inside of me
Something I would never have believed
Until
Until you conquered me
"You seem to have forgotten something," Astrid laughed softly with a nervous laugh.
"She's got the same look for you that Tony has for me....she just loves you so much. When you talk she hangs on every word..." Annette nodded. She didn't need a reminder, being confident already that she had truly met the love of her life. But she turned to Linda and smiled, as much for her sake just to see those loving eyes again.
"Astrid?" Tony's voice was soft and clear. He smiled at her, the left side of his face cooperating with a decreasing reluctance, it seemed.
"I love you." He raised his left arm with difficulty to her face and touched her cheek. It was the first time he had been able to raise his arm that high since he started therapy.
"Been pr…practicing."
He smiled and she threw her arms around him, kissing his cheek and sobbing. Their emotions weren't what brought them to the place of forgiveness. Their choice to forgive was simply an act of their wills that was closely followed by their feelings. Acting "as if" with the desire to see things change, they decided that their family was more important than any hurt, regardless of how understandable and even justifiable anger and resentment might have been. There was enough hurt to go around for everyone. But there was more love to go around for everyone.
Astrid looked into Tony's eyes and saw something she hadn't seen before. It's been known to happen that a stroke victim will undergo personality and behavioral changes; often for the worse. But on that rare blessed occasion, a change comes over someone and they become more patient and understanding and giving and caring. Tony left more than his talent for baseball and piano in the emergency room. He left selfishness and entitlement and lack of care as somehow finally the things that mattered were embodied in the three people who sat at the table with him that night.
I was lost
I thought I would always be alone
I thought I could make it on my own
But you...
Changed my life
Now...
Everything I thought my life could be
Changed the day you conquered me
A few years later....
"Okay...class? Who would like to tell me who their favorite composer is?" The teacher looked out over the fifth grade music class and smiled. A girl in the second row raised her hand.
“Mr. Menendez?”
"Jessica?"
"I like Brahms...he's almost romantic...like his music alone tells a story."
"Cindy?"
"Prokofiev....Peter and the Wolf...a lot of fun!"
"Andrew?"
"Tchaikovsky! Very powerful..."
"Sean?"
"Please don't laugh? The guy who wrote the Peanuts music...you know?"
"Vince Guaraldi. You like jazz a lot, don't you?"
"Yeah...I like the way it feels?"
"Anybody else?"
"Debussy...Clare de Lune." The teacher turned to the doorway to see a familiar face; two in fact as the women came into the classroom and hugged him.
"Kids...I can't tell you how cool this is, but you're about to be blessed with one of the finest pianists I know." He smiled at the woman closest to him and laughed softly.
"My sister." He smiled at her again .
"Want to play? Anything you like!"
"Mr. Tony? Is that Linda Piontak? Your sister is Linda Piontak?" The girl looked down at the Mp3 player she wasn't supposed to have and held it up.
"I've got her Rachmaninoff sampler right here!"
Annette stood next to Linda and held up her own Mp3 player.
"Me, too."
"Maybe if we clap hard enough, maybe she'll play something for us?" He said and the children all began clapping.
"If you clap even harder, maybe she'll give us a concert during sixth bell in the auditorium," Annette said, poking Tony in the arm with her right elbow.
Linda smiled and nodded to the children. She walked over to the piano, but not before kissing Tony on the cheek.
"Mom and Laura are flying in this afternoon. Astrid says that she'll pick them up and we can meet back at our place for dinner, okay? And tell Little Tony I've got that Chopin CD he was looking for." She smiled and sat down at the piano.
Looking over at the children, she smiled one last time before looking ahead. Her eyelids fluttered a bit before they closed as she set her hands softly on the key board and began to play.
A few minutes later, the principal came into the classroom and stood with her arms on her hips.
"I know it's almost that time of the year, but you know how the school board is." Tony looked over at her and shrugged his shoulders. He half-frowned until she smiled at him and said softly, almost as an aside.
"Oh what the hell!" She raised her hand and pointed two fingers at Linda as if to say,'engage!" And Linda started up with another rendition from her Christmas album, Oh Tannenbaum.
Fin
div align="center">
Bonus Story
<
There are so many of us who find we can have faith that moves mountains, just not faith for our own sake. We see the best in others while seeing so little of worth in ourselves. Life can be hard when you’re stuck that way, but Bernice was about to find out that someone had faith in her.
Outside
This room
No one ever sees the whole me
Only stronger side
But inside
This heart
There is much to know
About me
Words can not describe
Previously, from The Summer of Love of Linda Piontak...
“Sorry you had to leave. We figured you needed some cheering up, so we came over. Oh, sorry…this is my girlfriend Bernice…she’s Dave’s sister.
“Gggirl….girlfriend?” Linda stared at Bernice like she had two heads.
“Yeah…you know…a friend….who happens to be a girl.” Bernice took Linda’s comment the wrong way and Annette figured out what was going on and said….
“No, honey…I think she thought your brother was my….boyfriend.” She turned and looked at Linda with an “am I right,” expression. Linda nodded....
“Your boyfriend left you because he couldn’t handle your heart, dear.” Linda winced until she heard her next words,
“Just being you made it difficult for him to face himself. He’s got to find himself, and it can’t be with you; you’ve already realized that, and it hurts, but it’s not you, honey, no matter what.” She was right, of course.
“Listen, you’re not the first trans-woman to go through this, and you certainly won’t be the last.” Linda was startled to the point of nearly spilling her soup. Annette grabbed her free hand and held it.
“I’m sorry, honey, but you needed another friend; someone who understands what you’re going through....”
“How...what...Annette...I told that to you in confidence....” She tried to protest, but something seemed oddly good...even right about Bernice and Dave knowing her secret. She looked over at them and Dave smiled.
“Linda Piontak, you’ve met my sister Bernice....meet the former Angelo Seraphino Crocetti.”
.hr>
Community United Methodist Church, Jackson Heights, New York, New York...mid December...
“That was about as lovely a wedding as I’ve seen in my lifetime….for a ten minute service…” Dave kidded as Annette and Linda stood at the back of the church receiving the ‘guests’ for the hastily thrown together wedding; Dave and Justin his boyfriend, Linda’s mom Susan and her step-mom Laura; Tony, her best friend and now step-brother and his wife Astrid as well as several of the faculty and friends at Julliard.
Annette was glad that Bernice, Dave’s sister and Annette’s best friend (and former lover) was able to attend. Sajid Sharma was kind enough to arrive a day earlier than his projected delivery date, so Bernice was free for the service.
The ceremony was hastily arranged to coincide with the Thanksgiving break at school along with an available church. The pastor of the church was kind enough to donate her services and the use of the fellowship hall, but Dave and Bernice insisted on giving the woman a generous gift anyway.
“Who’d have thought?” Bernice kidded with her best imitation of Gilda Radner’s Rosanne Roseannadanna. “It’s always somethin…” She laughed softly and poked Annette in her left shoulder; likely the only other person besides Linda who could get away with such a personal touch in such a tender place. Annette winced only a little as the light touch sent a mixture of slight pain and ticklish energy coursing through the pinned sleeve of her wedding dress to the stump that lay underneath.
Both she and Linda had settled on buying a couple of antique gowns they found in a consignment shop. It was ‘on the cheap,’ as they say; not just to be frugal, but because they wanted to be focused on the day and the relationship and not the pomp of the circumstances, so to speak. They took the money they would have spent on a big wedding and a honeymoon and put it in the bank for a ‘rainy day.’
“I…”
Annette looked at Bernice and half-frowned; tears had begun to fill up once again for the umpteenth time since the service had concluded. This time they were personal, but not for the day and certainly not for herself. Bernice nodded. Just as Linda had moved on from her relationship with Tony to find live with Annette, Annette had done the same with Bernice. But there still would be places in each other’s hearts for…forever, it would come to be. Bernice still had feelings for Annette in no small way, but it had been an established fact for perhaps too long a time that she and Annette were never ‘meant’ for each other.
“I’m going to go over and talk with Pastor Martinez, sweetie,” Linda said, kissing Annette lightly on the cheek. She stepped even closer and spoke softly.
“Go ahead…it’s okay…really.”
Linda kissed her once again before walking away. The girl had developed almost a sixth sense regarding her new bride, and the words became an unexpected permission to do and say what even Annette had failed to realize was necessary until that moment. Annette turned back to Bernice, whose eyes had been fixed on Linda as she stood with the Pastor. Jealousy and envy would never ever be a part of who Bernice was, but hopeful longing for what someone else might enjoy or experience was to be expected. She sighed and wiped more than a few tears from her eyes.
If you look
If you really read between the lines
You will see
This is just a disguise
A disguise
“Hey…kiddo…?” Annette said with a laugh, but it wasn’t a tease. More over, it was as personal a connection as the two still maintained now that Annette had found another love. Bernice would harbor no doubts or regrets about their decision to part, but instead felt more alone than she had ever felt before; even in a crowded room with her best friend in front of her. It was time to let go; she knew that. And while it was time, it wasn’t comfortable at all.
“I’m sorry, but I always cry at my former lovers’ weddings.” She looked away; feeling more than a little small and petty.
“It’s okay, Niecy…really.” Annette put her hand on Bernice’s arm, which the woman pulled away.
“I’ll never stop loving you.” Annette regretted the choice of words even as they left her mouth. Bernice smiled through the tears and grabbed Annette’s other hand, facing her.
“I know….I’ll always love you, too. And of course, we’ll always have Staten Island.” She joked once more, but the pain of knowing that it never would have worked out was almost too much to bear. Annette was the most beautiful human being Bernice had ever known, and it was a grief almost too much to bear knowing that she would never be with her. She was thrilled for Annette and Linda; just very sad and feeling so hopeless for herself. Annette compounded the emotion of the moment by drawing the woman into one last kiss. Kissing the bride on a reception line is an acceptable practice, but no one ever said it was always the best idea. Bernice pulled away and pulled out her cell phone.
“I….I’ve got to go. The Feingold baby is early,” she lied. No text or call; just a quickly devised fib to aid a quick retreat. She gave Annette a semi-air kiss before waving while backing out the front door of the church. She walked to her car quickly; barely able to see in front of her as the tears clouded her eyes. She hit the ‘unlock’ on her remote and got into the car and practically slammed the door; not out of anger but out of shame and frustration.
Taking a look beyond these eyes
It'll take you right around my heart
I feel
You should know
That I'm not unbreakable
It's hard for me to show the other side
Telling you but it isn't lie You
You know
That I'm not unbreakable
She was about to start the car when a tapping came at the passenger side front door. She looked over to see a very sympathetic face; Dave had followed her down the block to her car. She nodded and hit the ‘unlock’ a second time and he got in.
“I…” She went to speak but choked up. He smiled an understanding smile and sidled as close as the center console would allow and put his head against hers. He reached over with his right hand and pulled her into his left shoulder as she began to sob.
“I know, Niecy…I know. It’s going to be okay.” As okay as it could be; assurances from brother who has lost the ability to play violin to a sister who felt inauthentic on a nearly every-other-day basis tend to ring truer than most.
“When will…Davey…it hurts so much.” She shook in his arms. Despite her encouragement to others about bright and hopeful futures, Bernice could see nothing but lonliness and heartache in her own tomorrows. Every single person at the wedding besides her had someone to go home with. Other than her cat, there would be no one at home to cuddle with or hold or even argue with or frown at. Life seemed to be one big disappointment lately, and there seemed also to be no change in that routine on the horizon.
“I’m so sorry, honey.” That one word…’honey.’ Dave had called her that even before she had even thought to reassess her gender perception years ago. Big brothers never call little brothers ‘honey,’ do they? Dave seemed to know even before she did that the former Angelo Crocetti was destined from before birth to be a woman, and that life would never be ‘common-place’ for either of them. At that long-cherished term of endearment, Bernice disolved even more into her brother’s arms as she wept uncontrollably.
“Shhhh….shhhh. It’s okay, honey….and it will be okay,” he said as he stroked her hair. He noticed movement out of the corner of his eye and looked up to see Linda and Annette standing by the car door, silent; Annette’s face etched with the tracks of tears. He smiled at her and nodded as if to say, ‘don’t worry, I’ve got this. It’s okay.’ She nodded back and the two walked away.
It really wasn’t okay at the moment, but as he said, it would be.
,hr>
I'm scared and frightened
Who will give this soul asylum
Protect me beyond these walls
Can't stand this breaking and falling
All of these mistakes I'm making
Finally crystalise
Hope Women's Medical Center, Jackson Heights...later that week...
“Dr. C? Inez called and said she’s running behind. Should I just go ahead and reschedule her; it’s pretty late, and there aren’t any other patients.” Liz called from down the hall. Bernice looked once at her watch. No plans meant no urgent need to go home.Dave and Justin were house hunting in North Arlington, so dinner would consist of marginally satisfying pizza and a bottle of wine to go along with whatever was available at the Red Box at the Stop and Shop.
“No, that’s okay. Let her know it’s fine. I’ve got nowhere to go tonight since baby girl Schmidt came a day early…I believe her name is Heidi, of all things.” She laughed; wondering if the first word out of the baby’s mouth would be ‘grandfather!’
“Do you want me to stay? I’m in the same boat as you. Maybe we could send out for dinner, though. I worked through lunch thinking I’d be going out with Jimmy tonight, but he got called into the Firehouse at the last minute to cover for one of the guys.
“Yeah…whatever you’d like; you fly, I’ll buy!” Liz didn’t need to ‘fly,’ since most of the places the girls at the practice like delivered.
“Your wish is my command, Madame!” Liz laughed at her own take on a French accent. Her parents actually grew up speaking both Lao and French. She spoke the language fluently, but her playful nature lapsed occasionally into what her parents considered almost profane; fake French.
“Doctor C? Bernice? Come quick.” Liz shouted from the reception area. Bernice ran quickly down the hall and into the waiting area to find Inez Cristobal doubled over in one of the chairs. Her blue scrub pants were darkened by a rapidly growing stain of blood.
“No time for 911. I’ll get my car up front and you help her to the curb,” Bernice said hastily as she ran out the front door.
Taking a look beyond these eyes
It'll take you right around my heart
I feel
You should know
That I'm not unbreakable
It's hard for me to show the other side
Telling you that it isn't lie You
Do you know
That I'm not unbreakable
New York City Hospital, Flushing, Queens, New York....
“I’m sorry Inez. I am so very sorry.” Bernice had lost babies before, but none as tragic as the little girl who would never see the light of day. Hope Cristobal was lost as Inez suffered a ruptured uterus; something that no one could have foreseen. Some things happen for no apparent reason in first pregnancies, much less one that was nearly seven months along. It was triply tragic since Inez lost the only baby she would ever have. But the saddest part of it was that her boyfriend, the little girl’s father, had been killed in action when his helo crashed just outside Kabul two days after he returned to Afghanistan for his second tour.
Bernice looked out the window and sighed deeply. It had started to snow and the white flurries swept past her view like so many lost opportunities in her life. While she had felt the need to be ‘herself’ since childhood, part of her was angry that she had never saved any ‘material’ from her old life; a just in case of a snowy day. But she never really did want to sire a child. Bernice never despised her body before she transitioned from Angelo; it was more of a mutual understanding between her and her gender that they just didn’t suit each other.
But wanting children was ingrained in her from the start; baby dolls and stuffed animals when all the other little boys played with ‘action figures’ and toy guns. Well, mostly, since Jimmy Carpentiere had joined Angelo in a quickly disbanded girls club when at five the two were discovered in Jimmy’s mother’s closet trying on shoes. The idea of being a mother once was just a tease to her; the odd looks she’d get followed by resignation when Angelo was the only one available to babysit his cousin’s kids. The interesting thing is that like nearly every woman the boy ever knew, there was a resolve and strength usually reserved (in misconceptions at least) for men.
She had never found any thing attractive about men; again, nothing but an understanding that she and guys didn’t suit each other; neither before coming out when Angelo’s friends kept pushing him into relationships with the boys they knew. And not afterwards, when Bernice’s tastes leaned decidedly toward the femme population. She promised she would be ‘married’ before thirty, barring another idiot appeal against same-sex marriage. But nothing worked out. The closest she came was with Annette, which ended amiably but with more disappointment than she would admit to anyone; even herself.
She looked at the woman and both envied and pitied her, since she at least had life grow inside of her; no cruel taunting by a misfit body even if she lost the baby. But Bernice looked again. Even in her narcotic stupor, there was nothing that the medication would be able to do to ever remove the heartache.
Bernice shook her head, feeling so small and petty. Who was she to complain? Maybe she had it better, since she’d never feel the heartache of a miscarriage. She’d likely never have a child, so she’d never ever worry about losing that love as well. Guilt spent a great deal of time living in Bernice’s world, and it slapped her hard; the old doubts and shame about being false and inauthentic and perpetually barren. Her patient stirred enough to moan, gaining her briefly distracted attention from her self-loathing. She gazed down at the woman. Inez was almost completely under from the sedation, and didn’t see Bernice step into the hallway where she put her hand to her face and wept silently.
Now
There's no where else to hide
Nothing more to fight
Being alive
That I'm not unbreakable
It's hard for me to show the other side
I'm telling that it isn't lie
Read me you'll know
That I'm not unbreakable
You read me you'll know
That I'm not unbreakable
You read me you'll know
That I'm not unbreakable
Did I ever tell you how you live in me
Every waking moment, even in my dreams
And if all this talk is crazy
And you don't know what I mean
Does it really matter
Just as long as I believe
A few weeks later…at the office…
A petite woman sat at the desk across from Bernice. She was perhaps Eurasian or some other exotic mix. A tall woman, thirty-ish, sat next to her, clutching her hand.
“I know you’re anxious, Alice. Your first seems to be taking her time; no major developments, but she’s healthy, and that’s really what matters at this point. Besides, you already know that babies hardly every pay attention to due dates, right?” Bernice laughed and the young woman nodded. The woman beside her nodded as well, adding a warm smile.
“So, you must be excited. Just back from your tour and a new baby about ready to be welcomed into the world?” She smiled at the couple, but the girl scrunched her face a bit.
“Oh, Dr. Bernie….I’m sorry.” She looked at the woman sitting next to her.
“This is my sister-in-law, Ione….Duncan...my husband... is still in Germany.” She lowered her head just a bit and Ione smiled once again.
“Oh, gosh…sorry. I saw the wedding ring and she was holding your hand….” She began to turn red with embarrassment. Changing the subject quickly, she looked slightly away while speaking.
“Do you have any children…Ms. Stuart?”
“Two girls, Fiona is eleven and Maggie is ten. Please, call me Ione?”
“You and your husband must be proud.” Not an unusual thing to ask, but the woman winced almost imperceptively at the emphasis of the word 'husband.'
“They’re….they’re wonderful kids. Couldn’t be prouder.” She smiled, but there was a nervous squint of the eye.
“So….I’ll see you in the office next week unless …?” She struggled for the name, and Alice helped her out.
“Iris….Iris Chang Stuart.” She beamed proudly.
“Oh that’s right.” Bernice winced at her words; of course it would be right. She still measured her words carefully against what wasn’t necessarily expected.
“She’s named after someone in your family, right?
“Yes…my sister….Fiona and Maggie’s mom.” A sigh followed by a small tear that ran down her cheek. Ione bit her lip and looked away.
“Iris passed….about two years ago…uterine cancer.”
“Ohmygod.” Bernice put her hand to her mouth, wishing her words hadn’t been so abrupt; it wasn’t about her, and she wanted to be ….she didn’t know what she wanted to be, but certainly she wanted to show her support.
“I am so sorry.” Sorry for bringing it up? For her self-centered embarrassment? She sighed and tears came to her own eyes as she remembered the scene at the hospital with Inez only a few weeks before.
“You didn’t know. Iris….she…she was a fighter, and her passing was brave and even glorious in a way. She was strong for us all at the last.” The woman put her head down and put her head to her face for only a moment. She lifted her head and smiled.
“I think little Iris is going to be a fighter….just like her namesake!” Alice blinked back a few tears and smiled a very warm smile.
“Thanks, Dr. Bernie,” she said as she rose from the chair. Ione stood and smiled. Bernice reached across the desk and offered her hand. She took it gently and squeezed, shaking it with a firm grip. Bernice felt a wince of pain in her wrist; a reminder of an old hockey injury pre-Bernie, so to speak. A moment later the two had left the office and she sat back down at her desk, wondering what had just occurred. A moment later a knock came at the door.
“S’cuse, Dottoressa?” Liz stood in the doorway playfully holding up a calendar, pointing to date circled about three quarters down the page.
“You decide to break down and grace my table for Thanksgiving?”
“Oh…sorry….of course.” Her brother Dave was going to be in Pittsburgh with his partner Jason’s family for the holiday and the past year’s arrangements would be ever so awkward since her former girlfriend was now married. Annette and Linda had almost begged for her to visit with Linda’s family, but she couldn’t bear to be around Annette.
Too many good memories to miss as opposed to a bad parting. It wasn’t as if she only missed being with Annette so much as she missed being with someone. She would always love the woman, but not ever in the same intimate way of the past. Still, it was too soon after her own meltdown at the couple’s happy nuptials. And of course, Liz and her husband Jimmy and their own girls would be family enough.
“I’m looking forward to it.” She smiled and Liz smiled back with an almost conspiratorial grin. Bernice tilted her head and squinted.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Don’t give me that, Elizabeth François Carpentiere. I’ve known you since you and Jimmy and I used to try on your mother’s shoes.” She half-frowned and tossed a balled up piece of paper in Liz’ direction. Jimmy had ‘grown out’ of the being a girl thing, at least 'full-time,' as Liz would likely remind her; his own unique perspective gave him an understanding about his best friend’s change. And Liz François Dao Carpentiere had been right next to her in recovery; holding her hand through all the pain and joy.
“I just know it’s been hard on you since…well, since the wedding.” Liz reflected the half-frown with one of her own. She shrugged in sympathy and continued.
“And don’t get me wrong. I know you’re ‘over’ Annette, but you gotta know that still loving her isn’t an option…I mean…NOT loving her. I love Jimmy with all my heart, but I still have a special place inside for Leo Piccone, right? It’s just…different. You’ll get there in time, hun.” Liz smiled and patted her chest with her palm. A deft change of subject also deflected any suspicion regarding Thanksgiving dinner. She wanted to bless her boss…her best friend, and she hoped that the holiday would be the start of something wonderful.
People never tell you
The way they truly feel
I would die for you gladly
If I knew it was for real
So if all this talk sounds crazy
And the words don't come out right
Does it really matter
If it gets me through this night
At her home...a few evenings later....
Bernice sat on the couch with the laptop on the snack table in front of her; an electronic ‘thumbing through’ of the picture album of her recent life…a life that had been turned upside down by new needs by her love and new focus and direction and neglect by her. She hated herself more than she missed Annette, and she missed Annette really bad, since it was her inattentive devotion to her relationship and her distraction by her job that drew the two apart. Not that she had much of a choice. Her work was her calling…her life, in fact, as she helped others bring new life into the world. No regrets there, but perhaps a lifetime of guilty regret over the loss of her one ‘true’ love.
“She hates me…she hates me not…” She repeated the mantra as she moved each picture in file into a folder. Not to be discarded, but rather to be stored away from where she might be tempted to pine for what wasn’t meant to be. Once she finished the transfer, she moved the folder into the plug-in flash drive before removing it. She placed the drive in an envelope which she put on the mantel of her fireplace, right behind the clock in front of the large mirror.
“Keep it secret…keep it safe,” she joked, recalling Gandalf’s words to Frodo regarding the One Ring. Safe? The memories were almost unsafe in her heart, but at least the visual reminders would be far away from her in a way. She sighed heavily before returning to the couch. She hit ‘play’ on the remote to her CD player. A moment later the music began. Listening to the lyrics, all the preparation and planning to be safe from harm and hurt vanished only to be replaced by words that did more than just pull at her heart strings. They assaulted them; almost brutally, but in a way that was almost healing in its power to convince and sway and transform how she saw herself.
If I'm true to myself, nobody else can take the place of you
But I've got to move on, tell me what else can I do
Thanksgiving Day….the home of Liz and Jimmy Carpentiere….
It had begun to snow; Bernice stood at the doorway, debating to stay or to run away and hide at King Wah’s for Thanksgiving. She stepped back, pondering whether to knock on the door or ring the bell when she heard a voice from behind.
“Dr. Bernie? Nice to see you again…and out of the office.” Bernice turned to see Alice Stuart. The man next to her looked familiar and different at the same time.
“Oh….you haven’t met. This is my husband Duncan….Ione's brother? He just flew in today. And of course you’ve already met Iris.” She eyed the sleeping baby in the carrier held by the tall man beside her.
“Thank you so much,” Duncan said, giving Bernice an awkward half-hug. He had missed the birth by only a few days as his assignment kept him in Germany past the due date. She nodded and smiled before turning her attention to Alice.
“I’m glad to see you. I didn’t know you knew Liz out of the office.” She regretted the words; why wouldn’t they know Liz. But Alice explained with a smile.
“I was visiting my sister-in-law and the girls for a barbecue and she introduced me to Jimmy and Liz…they live next door.” She used her hand in a broad gesture to point to the house on her left.
“Liz told me what a fine doctor you are, and the rest, as they say, is history.” She smiled and her eyes seemed to twinkle as Iris cooed.
“Dr. Crocetti?” The name repeated with a vaguely familiar voice attached to a fairly familiar face. Ione Stuart stood on the bottom step of the front porch along with her two girls.
“Ms. Stuart? Oh….yes…” she struggled for words, since the group was growing bigger by the moment, but hardly keeping pace with her ever-expanding feelings of insecurity. Out of place, in a way. She found herself growing hot in the face, which she likely would have realized was blushing.
“Please….call me Ione.” She said it softly and with warmth she had never heard before, even from close friends and family. The woman exuded welcome and acceptance; commodities very scarce in her world, even if they were withheld from her by herself at times as well. Her face was hotter and she put her hand to her cheek, forgetting the gloves she wore.
“And what may I call you?” The question was more than just polite; the words seemed to express a calm but urgent need to know her, and she obliged, if awkwardly.
“Oh…you…you can call me.” She hadn’t forgotten her own name, but years of guilt and misplaced feelings of being out of place spoke old names as a tease….a cruel reminder of what had never really been real. Annnnn….for Angelo. Truth be told, she had always been her mother’s angel, but never really that person everyone thought they knew. Even after all these years and so much acceptance by friends and girlfriends and the love of her life, she still felt inauthentic and false, but the woman in front of her didn’t know that. She walked up the steps to the porch and took Bernice's hand gently in hers.
“Yes?” That voice…soothing and disarming; foreign….alien…unreal…but so warm and gentle that it coaxed the real woman to return from her retreat into a false past. She looked at Ione and her smile freed her.
“You….can call me Bernice.”
I will love again
Though my heart is breaking, I will
love again
Stronger than before
I will love again
Even if it takes a lifetime to get over you
Heaven only knows, I will love again
I didn't come here to find out
There's a weakness in my faith
I was brought here by the power of love
Love by grace
Thanksgiving dinner…a short while later…
“It must be so rewarding.” Ione said casually; her head was lowered as she idly buttered a dinner roll.
“Rewarding?” Bernice had heard the comments before; a nice way of connecting, since everyone loves babies, right? Nevertheless, the woman’s statement disarmed her. She nodded a bit and practically whispered the word, ‘yes.’
“I remember the moments…when Fiona was born… when Maggie was born… like they both came to us…me… yesterday. It was wonderful each time. You must find such blessings in participating in the newness of life, yes?” Bernice wanted to leave the room…the home…the planet. As difficult and awkward as it was to talk about other women’s children, something in Ione’s voice seemed to be soothing; almost salve-like on the abrasion that stung with every reminder of her own status. Easy enough for the woman to talk. She at least knew the joy…the absolute bliss of giving birth. What did Bernice have except a queen-size bed with a vast unused space next to her own?
Dinner was nice enough; the company was welcoming and warm even if she felt awkward and out of place. Everyone seemed to max out at the same time and began saying their goodbyes. Bernice wanted to hurry out; the welcome of one almost overwhelmed her and she found herself growing impatient being ‘last’ in the queue by the front door. Ione stepped back away from the group and walked toward the kitchen. As she walked past Bernice, she touched her sleeve lightly with a very well-manicured hand. A lovely hand, if truth be told.
“Why don’t you come join me for a cup of coffee while we wait? Everyone seems to be reluctant to say a quick goodbye and I’m a bit sleepy. I’ve got a ton laundry to get to. Bernice nodded blithely and allowed the woman to urge her into the kitchen with that gentle hand. She imagined someone as elegant as Ione would have someone to do the laundry for her.
“I’m sorry. I must apologize; I seem to have made you feel uncomfortable, and that was certainly not my intent. May I ask what I said so that I don’t repeat that mistake?” That disarming air; talking about what made her uncomfortable was likely more disturbing than thinking about it, but Ione’s voice seemed to coax the hurt out of her.
“I…became a doctor to help people. I can’t think of anything more helpful than escorting new life into the world.” She paused without saying the implied ‘but.’ Ione reached out and touched her arm again, sending a shock through her. She shuddered, but Ione didn’t let go. In fact, she reached over and grabbed Bernice’s hand with her other and held fast. Deep, understanding eyes gazed into hers.
“I know how it feels. When Iris and I first decided to have children, it was going to be each of us with every other pregnancy. Two for her and two for me. But I can’t…I ended up losing our first and my womb in the process. So Iris had our girls….and…” She began to mist up; both women seemed to easily draw the other out.
“She died two years ago.” Ione unconsciously looked down, leaving Bernice feeling embarrassed and sad for Ione since she had already explained about that; the frequent habit of telling someone about a loved one’s passing often getting confusing as to whom was told and when. She nodded and smiled a warm half-smile.
“I’m so sorry.” She felt more than just a commonality with Ione, even if their barrenness was for entirely different reasons. It was almost as if part of Ione died when her partner passed, and Bernice felt exactly the same way with her breakup with Annette. That old Carol King lyric about something inside dying in her as well. Ione lifted her head and tried to smile, but the tears got in the way, so to speak. She looked away before returning her gaze to Bernice; a haunting, pleading stare for understanding…for acceptance. She shook her head in resolve, convincing herself of the rightness of her next words.
“Do you mind if I kiss you?” Ione was frowning and her eyes had filled with tears. It was an odd and completely surprising request, but something deep inside Bernice came alive at that moment. As if in staring at the woman before her, she was saying goodbye and hello simultaneously.
That idea of love at first sight coupled with letting go of her first real love made her decision entirely agreeable and easy. She put her hand softly on Ione’s cheek; wanting to bless the woman as much as if she was delivering new life. She leaned close and kissed Ione on the lips; softly and tenderly, finally feeling loveable and loving after a winter where her heart lay fallow.
And Ione kissed back; tenderly and tentatively, as if by having faith in the kindness of Bernice’ gesture she might be hurt but still undaunted. A very brief moment later their lips parted; eagerly and reluctantly at the same time, as if they wanted to look into each other’s soul to gauge sincerity and truth. Their eyes met and Bernice nodded slightly, as if to say yes. Ione’s head lowered slowly as the woman felt her face grow hot. Bernice touched her chest with her palm as if to say ‘me, too.’
“I’m not ashamed. I don’t want you to think I didn’t like that.” Ione lowered her head again.
“I know. You want me to know that it wasn’t easy or frivolous…I know exactly what you mean.” Even as she spoke her own face reddened, but not for the same exact reason even if they both arose from the same place in the heart. She sighed.
“I’m not complete.” A needful completion of a confession already begun; Bernice needed Ione to know the whole story and needed to know Ione’s heart.
“Neither am I.” She patted her chest, but the gesture meant more than just belonging to the barren sorority to which neither woman had pledged. She patted her chest once more and shook her head; indicating yet another lack. Ione smiled and squinted as if to ask if that loss made a difference. She had sensed the answer already, but was more interested in not cheating Bernice than in her own loss. Bernice had seen the look on enough women to know exactly what Ione meant. She put her head down slightly, not to ignore, but to gain the courage to speak.
“I’m not a real woman.” It was the greatest truth and the biggest lie that Bernice ever told. And Ione somehow understood. She stared at Bernice for a moment, struggling with coming up with something to say. Words failed her, but her heart was completely reliable, and she shook her head no. Bernice began to take it the wrong way and bit her lip as tears came to her eyes.
“No!” It was the only word Ione could think of, but her gesture a second later clarified the moment. She gazed once more at her chest before eying Bernice up and down in inspection; no difference between the two. If one was inauthentic, then both were. And since neither woman was false, both had to be true in the truest sense where it mattered most….in the heart.
Simultaneous sighs were met by tearful smiles and a nervous cough to their left. They turned to see Liz standing at the doorway to the kitchen. Over her shoulder they saw Jimmy saying goodbye to the last of the guests other than them and Ione’s girls.
“I think your girls might enjoy a nice sleepover with Aunt Liz and Uncle Jimmy, don’t you?” She winked playfully, and the glee in her face seemed to indicate that the two had been set up. She pointed to the two backpacks leaning against the wall in the hall way. Both women seemed to straighten up, as if they had to hide their intentions. But kids have a way about them, you know, and a moment later Maggie pulled on Ione’s elbow.
“Is she going to be our other Mom? I like her.” It took all Ione could do to keep from laughing and crying at the same time. Bernice just turned a very dark red and turned her face away to keep from reacting. Fiona came over and grabbed her sister by the arm and leaned close.
“Uncle Jimmy has the new Twilight DVD, Maggie. Mommy needs time to find out, you know?” She tried to whisper but it came out louder than she intended. Maggie pointed to Ione’s face and smiled.
“I think she knows already,” her own attempt at a whisper sounded more like someone trying to shout softly; causing both women to stare at each other. It was true, however embarrassing, that Ione indeed had already decided. Almost an emotional version of an accelerated Master’s program that allowed for life experience, Ione’s heart had already moved into that place of acceptance. She stared at Bernice and smiled weakly.
“I have as well.”
“Have what?” Ione looked at her in puzzlement.
“Decided.” She smiled with a bit more resolve. Liz put her hands at the girls’ backs.
“Come along, ladies. Let’s go see if Uncle Jimmy has found the DVD. Maybe we can have some popcorn and hot cocoa, okay?” Both girls nodded and rolled their eyes as if to say, ‘we got it.” They walked casually into the living room as Liz resisted the urge to giggle with glee since her successful meal turned into a successful match.
“S’cuse. Dottoressa?” She said with a grin. Bernice looked at her and held her hands up in a small shrug.
“You can take tomorrow off, if you like.”
A short while later, at the Stuart home…
That was just a moment in time
And one we'll never forget
One we can leave behind
'Cause when there was doubt
You'll remember I said
“I never thought it would ever get better.” Their voices were mute, but their eyes said it all.
“I never had you to begin with, but there was part of me that worried I’d lose you…does that sound crazy?” Ione pled. Bernice leaned closer and kissed her.
“Love by grace? I didn’t come here to lose you?” The CD playing in the background didn’t quite seem to fit, but they both appreciated the absolute romance of the singer, and both thought of the lyrics; perhaps words that played in both hearts for the longest time for completely different and identical reasons. Either way, there was a part of each of them that learned that love in the form of romance came indeed by grace.
I didn't come here believing I would ever be away from you
I didn't come here to find out
There's a weakness in my faith
I was brought here by the power of love
I was brought here by the power of love
Love by grace
Polonaise Op. 53 in A flat major by Frederic Chopin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8QT7ITv9Ecs
Reverie by Claude Debussy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0CLYpYKHNY
Clair de Lune by Claude Debussy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlvUepMa31o
Piano Concerto No.5 in E Flat Major, Op.73 'Emperor'
by Ludwig van Beethoven
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3TiYGxOQDYw
S'Wonderful
Words and Music by
Ira and George Gershwin
as Performed by Diana Krall
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=07fgvgut1Ys
Broken Vow
Words and Music by
Walter Afanasieff and Lara Fabian
As performed by
Lara Fabian
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3TiYGxOQDYw
Excerpts from The Prayer words and music by
David Foster, Carole Bayer Sager,
Alberto Testa, Tony Renis
as performed by
Celine Dion and Josh Groban
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhxIjRO6WjI
Poppa, Can You Hear Me?
from the movie, Yentl
words and music by
Alan and Marilyn Bergman
and Michel Legrand
as performed by Barbra Streisand
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwCPAo5e_F8
Givin' Up on You
words and music by
Lara Fabian
as performed by the composer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rn5JGUy6b20&NR=1
Symphony No. 7 in A major, Op. 92
Second Movement
composed by Ludwig Van Beethoven
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgHxmAsINDk
I've Cried Enough
words and music by
Lara Fabian and Rick Allison
as performed by Lara Fabian
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gsU_1y9JXgg
Serenade for Strings in C Major
Movement #2
By Peter Ilych Tchaikovsky
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-go-FDlOMEY
Wonderful Life
words and music by
Colin Vearncombe
as sung by Lara Fabian
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFn5U1qInF8
Symphony No. 6 in F major, Op. 68
"Pastoral"
composed and arranged by
Ludwig Van Beethoven
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRg0K5rgXog
You're Not From Here
Words and music by
Walter Afanasieff, Rick Allison,
Lara Fabian and John Bettis
As performed by
Lara Fabian
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Teg8c5Ga6L0
Nocturne for piano in E flat major, Op. 9/2, CT. 109
by Fredric Chopin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--ykTqoQnqI
Conquered
words and music by
Eliot Kennedy, Gary Barlow, and Rick Allison
as performed by Lara Fabian
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSUJPrPt8Gc
Oh Tannenbaum
(Oh Christmas Tree)
Traditional
Arranged and Performed
by Vince Guaraldi
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otc3W56ns1M
Unbreakable
Words and music by
Wayne Hector, Tim Woodcock,
And the performer, Lara Fabian
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MiFMpYAA_70
I Will Love Again
Words and Music by
Mark Taylor and Paul Barry
as performed by
Miss Lara Fabian
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxnl83HD3R0
Love by Grace
Words and music by
Wayne Tester and
Dave Loggins
As performed by
Miss Lara Fabian
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kjqa_Csf29Q
