JEWEL
I am stretching and waiting for Lex…Alex to arrive. My feelings are caught up in a whirlwind of conflicting emotions. On the one hand, I really want to get together with Lexi, but I know I obviously cannot since it will be Alex. On the other hand, I am not sure how hard it is going to be interacting with Alex, knowing that he was…is?...my best friend, Lexi.

I hear Lexi talking downstairs and quietly descend the stairs to the bottom step where I can peek into the kitchen. She is in a chair facing away from me. I listen in for a minute without revealing myself and that is when it really hits me that even though it is Lexi’s voice that I am hearing, it is not Lexi; not really. Then I cannot help but smile when I hear…him…call his mother, ‘Momma’. That is something that Lexi picked up from me—something I am not even sure that Momma or Maddie have picked up on. Lexi is still in there—I just know it!

I decide it is time to make an entrance. It is going to be hard pretending it has been Alex that I have known for the last two years and not Lexi. Well, the year before her…his coma. I have not seen him since he woke up as Alex with no recollection of Lexi. As Lexi, we became best friends almost overnight and I still miss my best friend. I have talked to Momma about how to handle this and, even though she is a psychiatrist, she does not have all the answers either. I am just going to have to rely on the empathy and ‘EQ’ that she says I am so full of. I will have to feel my way through Lexi/Alex’s emotions.

I enter the kitchen and in a low voice announce myself. The conflicted look on Lex…Alex’s face melts my heart. Of course, it takes a minute for it to start beating again when I see how out of shape…he…has gotten. But I want to hug…her…for getting the hairstyle she so long wanted. What I do not know is if that is something that ‘Alex’ asked for. All that is missing now is pierced ears and Lexi would be in heaven. Well and female hormones…

ALEX
When I get turned around towards the stairs and see the girl standing there, I get another ‘flash’. Something almost comes to the surface and I am just about to grasp it when I shrink back. Another overwhelming memory comes flooding in and overshadows whatever was almost there. It is of a cowboy boot, specifically the tall, hard heel, coming down on my face. My head splits open with another headache and I moan as I slump in the chair as I cover my head with my arms. I cringe as I keep ‘seeing’ and ‘feeling’ the boot come down on my head over and over and I hear a voice, my father’s voice, saying, “I’ll teach you to listen to me. You will get those stupid ideas out of your head! You are my son, do you hear me? Do you? Answer me!

Thankfully, this time I do pass out.

When I come to, I am lying on the couch and Jewel is sitting there holding my hand. Momma and April are in the kitchen and Momma is talking on the phone, “…out cold. Send… Wait, he just came to. Alex, Hon, do you know where you are? Who I am?”

Afraid to move my head, I barely whisper, “Yes.” Jewel relays the message and April takes the phone from her and continues talking to whoever is on the other end. I leave my hand in Jewel’s and wonder at how comforting it actually is. I take my other hand and explore my face, fully expecting it to be bloody and swollen. The flash of whatever it was, was so real—but the actual memory is already fading again. My face feels fine and I try to sit up.

Momma comes over and gently pushes me back down. She asks with clear concern in her voice, “Alex, Hon. What happened. Are you feeling OK?”

I trust that my head will not explode if I move it and am proven right when I nod. I say in a stronger voice than I figured would come out, “I had this…vision…of a cowboy boot stomping my face and I heard…Daddy’s…voice berating me about something…that I was his son, or something. To be honest, I am surprised I remember that much. It has already nearly fully faded and is very foggy.”

April comes in and says, “I called off the ambulance. This seems like it is more in my territory now, anyway. She trades places with Jewel and sits right next to me. I try and sit up again and she gently pushes me back down like Momma did. “Stay laying down for a bit, please. OK? I just want to be sure you don’t have any more episodes,” she continues. “Can you tell me what triggered this ‘vision’? Do you remember?”

I scrunch up my face in concentration as if that would help. I start to feel the headache come back as I do so. Finally, I give up and say, “No. Not really. I remember Jewel coming in and having that…feeling…again. Like I was about to remember something. Something good, I think. Then…it hit me. Did…did…did that really happen? Is that how I got into the coma? Like I said, I don’t really even clearly remember the vision by now, but I do vividly remember the terror it caused. It’s a lot like when I wake up from my nightmares.”

She looks pensive and nods her head as she squeezes my hand. After a thoughtful minute, she says, “I know it doesn’t feel like it, but I think this is actually a good sign, Alex. Your memories are making a more concerted effort at coming back. You and your Momma can talk about specifics later if you wish, but, yes, like the salon today, you have been here before. You and JuJu used to be good friends before your coma. I thought it better to slowly reintroduce you to her in order to not overwhelm you. It seemed like as good a time as any after our discussions at the office. Maybe I was wrong…”

OK, fact one, she is creeping me out making sense and not seeming like Dr. Quack. Fact two, I like her better in this light. I sigh, “No, this has been terrifying and literally very painful. But scary as it is, I’m starting to see some cracks in whatever is veiling my memories—at least the ones I hope are good. The bad ones are certainly welcome to stay buried! It’s kind of like an occasional ray of sunshine peeking through the fog.”

I look at Jewel and for the life of me I cannot remember her. I do still have that feeling that I know her, though, and it somehow soothes me just being around her. That fact is very disconcerting but somehow comforting at the same time.

JEWEL
I smile at Alex. What he just said sounded more like Lexi and less like Alex but it is clear that it was still Alex talking. I can also tell he is confused. I wish there was something that I could do to help.

I sigh, “Alex, maybe going for a run is not the best idea right now. But how about we just go for a walk? Maybe the fresh air would do you good and I would like to get to know my friend again. A lot has happened since we were last able to talk. If you like, when we’re done—and our Momma’s are OK with it—maybe you could spend the night for old time’s sake?”

Momma jumps in, “Let’s cross that bridge in a bit, JuJu. Alex is certainly more than welcome to spend the night—we have plenty of room—but we can’t push him too far in one day. I do agree that maybe a walk would be good, though. What do you think, Alex? Are you up for it? You can change upstairs in the guestroom next to JuJu’s room.”

He gets that funny look on his face when Momma keeps calling me ‘JuJu’. Lexi actually came up with that and it stuck as my pet name. I think it struck a chord, but he again does not know why. I cannot help but wonder if Momma did that on purpose or if she was just trying to be relaxed.

He looks at Maddie and she smiles and nods her head in encouragement. He sighs and says, “Sure. A walk sounds fine—as long as we take it slow. I think everyone here knows by now that I’m not in great shape. I don’t even remember ever being in good shape…”

I take his hand and Momma lets him up. I lead him up the stairs and say, “You used to be in great shape. We would go running together all the time—among other things. I would love it if we could get back to doing that together.”

He follows me in a sort of trance-like state and I gently push him into the guestroom that is next to my room. That is where he will sleep if/when he spends the night—as opposed to Lexi who would have slept in my room with me. If he does wind up spending the night, I am actually not sure what we will do… Pajama party-style events like mani-pedis and doing each other’s makeup will not cut it. I sort of spoke up without thinking. Thankfully, Momma slowed my roll!

APRIL
I watch my daughter lead her former best friend up the stairs by the hand. My heart clinches for both of their losses. But, as bad as all of this has seemed today, it really is encouraging.

I look at Maddie and muse, “I think I caught that right? Alex remembered the salon?”

Maddie shakes her head and says, “Like he said, yes and no. It was like he knew it, but he had no recollection of it. It’s all so weird!”

I sigh, “I know what just happened was scary, Maddie, but this is really encouraging. I have long assumed that Alex’s nightmares have been his demons fighting his angels, if you will. I think that was just confirmed when he said seeing JuJu started to trigger something that seemed nice but was then overshadowed by his father’s abuse and attempts to exorcise Lexi. The fact that this happened in broad daylight with Alex fully awake—even if it was just fleeting—is a good sign. Don’t get me wrong, we are nowhere near out of the woods yet and Alex still has a very rough road ahead of him, I’m afraid. The million-dollar question still is, who will emerge from the woods…?”

Maddie wipes the tears from her eyes and sighs, “It just tears my heart apart to have my child go through this because of that bastard that I once loved very much. I just can’t believe he would do that to anyone, but especially not to his own child!” She takes a shaky breath and asks, “What do you think of JuJu’s idea of spending the night?”

I giggle, “I think she got ahead of herself. Of course, Alex can’t sleep in her room with her and what would they really do? But, if they’re still both game after their walk, then I won’t stand in the way.”

Maddie smiles and nods, “I sort of thought the same thing. Do you mind if I go home and take care of some things while they walk? You can just text me when I need to come pick him up—or bring pajamas.” She actually giggles. The first one I have heard in quite some time. Maybe there is some light at the end of this tunnel…

I nod and say, “Of course, I don’t mind! Go! I will feed them lunch when they get back and we’ll see where it goes from there.”

I nod towards the stairs in warning as I see them descending and say, “Don’t you look ready to enjoy the day, Alex! Those are nice workout clothes and check out those shoes!”

ALEX
It is all so surreal. I know this hallway but I can’t remember why. Jewel…JuJu? Why does ‘JuJu’ sound so familiar…no, so personal, like I had something to do with it? She pushes me into the room that is next to hers and somehow I know that this is ‘wrong’, that I should be going into hers.

I pull the exercise clothes out of the gym bag that Momma had pushed into my hand as we were ascending the stairs. I shake my head at the quandary of the rooms. This room does not feel ‘familiar’, but I could almost describe hers—like it is on the tip of my memories. Was I her boyfriend? That would not make sense, we would barely have been twelve back then and I can’t see Momma condoning anything like that.

I undress and put on the workout clothes. I grimace at the running shoes. They are a bit on the wild side, but they are the right size. The fact is that is always something of a challenge with my small feet—I am still a guy’s size four and these are actually a girl’s size five-and-a-half. Momma has small feet and I must get that from her—she is only like a shoe size bigger than me. While these fit perfectly, they were not my first choice of styles. They are really colorful and splashy. They also do not seem overly ‘manly’, but they were what was available in my size and they are still better than the boy’s options that I could have chosen from. I finish tying them and neatly fold my clothes and put them in the bag.

I look in the large mirror on the backside of the closet door and shrug. I am not sure what to make of myself. Fact one, the clothes themselves are the usual guy’s workout stuff. Fact two, I look like a fat blob in them. Fact three, my face, hair, and shoes seem off—like they do not fit the overall image the clothes normally would portray. Maybe this whole ‘appearance’ thing is getting to me—the incongruence bothers me. I just cannot say that I believe that losing the fat will make that incongruence go away. The problem is, I am not sure why it seems the clothes are somehow…wrong…

I hear Jewel knock on the door and ask, “Alex, are you OK?”

I sigh and say, “Yes, I’ll be right there!” I close the closet door and go out into the hall to find her waiting just outside the door. I smile wanly and say, “Just psyching myself up for ‘exercise’.”

She smiles and says, “Nice shoes! Let’s go!”

I blush as we descend the stairs only to have April tag onto the humiliation. She laughs at the look on my face and says, “Look you two, Maddie has some things to take care of, so you go on your walk. JuJu, you know the rules on safety and where you are allowed to go—and where not. Alex, I have discouraged your Momma from discussing too much of your past because I didn’t want to stress you or somehow make you think that you were remembering things you weren’t. I know that has been stressful in and of itself, but I think you’re ready to have a few questions answered.”

She looks pointedly at Jewel and I can tell some sort of unspoken communication is happening as she says, “JuJu, I trust you to know what questions to answer that Alex may have of his former very good friend. I can trust you, right?”

Jewel nods and April looks at me, “And Alex, I trust you won’t push JuJu into an uncomfortable corner, OK? It’s up to her what she answers and where she draws the line. Maybe, just maybe, this will open up that fog a little bit more and let the sunlight stream in a little brighter. I just want it to be the sun and not a fake light. We can’t force the sun. Does that make sense?”

I look at her and want to say something smart back at her, but the thing is that it does make a weird sort of sense. I say, “Yes, April, it does and…” I realize what I just said and blush. I correct myself, “I’m sorry, I meant, Dr. Smythe. I…”

She cuts me off with a fierce hug and says, “No, it’s fine if you call me April, Hon. You used to all the time. I was just waiting for you to feel comfortable enough to do so, again.”

I am stunned. I had not even realized that I had somehow gotten comfortable with it. But as I think about it, I realize that it is less that I had gotten comfortable with it but had just slipped back into something that felt right…like my comfy clothes. The ones Momma had gotten rid of…

I smile and hug her back. I say, “OK, April, I promise to not push. I can’t promise to not want to, though.”

She finishes her hug and says, “Fair enough. Now, all of you—scoot! I’ll phone or text, Maddie.”

Momma hugs April and says, “Thanks! You’re a life saver!” She whispers something else in her ear that I cannot hear, but April blushes at whatever it is. She smiles and whispers something back and it is Momma’s turn to blush. I really do not know what to make of it and I can tell that Jewel is as clueless as I am.

When they are done whispering, Jewel and I follow Momma out the back door. I watch her get in the car and drive off, then I follow Jewel down the driveway and to a park that is once again something I know but cannot remember.

JEWEL
I quietly lead Alex through the park and to the trailhead. Our city is in the mountains and has an extensive walking, hiking, and bike trail system. Large sections are rated as safe for children to use during the day because of the activity. Those are the sections we are allowed to use.

Once we get on the actual trail, I take off at a moderate pace up the slope. I look at Alex and say, “Tell me if we need to slow down—or speed up!” I grin.

He says, “Likely! This is OK for now. I really do want to get into better shape. I can’t really explain why I have gotten into this shape or have just otherwise let myself go. Getting my hair cut today was an experience. I had forgotten what it was like for it to actually feel nice. I’m not sure about this style, but at least it’s clean and taken care of.”

I giggle and say, “I think it looks very nice, Alex. I can remember a time when a style like that is all you would talk about. So, you didn’t ask for it?”

He shakes his head and says, “No, but it seemed like Joyce was driven in a certain direction. I guess she would have known about my…former…wishes. She just said it was cutting-edge for a boy. To be honest, I can’t really say I like it—any more than I can say I dislike it. I absolutely have no recollection of wanting it. I certainly wouldn’t have asked for it. As a matter of fact, I was going to ask for it to all be buzzed off. But, now at least I know why it isn’t bothering me more than I would have thought it would.”

I look over and picture it loose and hanging down in the manner that Lexi would wear it and ask, “So, you’re going to leave it?”

He laughs—almost giggles—and says, “Well, I guess I’m stuck with it for the next two weeks until my next appointment—unless I buzz cut it myself.”

I pale and exclaim, “You wouldn’t! Would you…?”

He laughs again and I get the feeling that is something almost foreign to him anymore, which is a sad comparison to the once happy-go-lucky Lexi. He shakes his head and says, “No… I’m wise enough to not chance the ire of my Momma! You know us Irish red heads! I’ll give it a chance and see how it feels in two weeks. I can always get Joyce to shorten it—it’s just hair. The main thing I’m worried about is school on Monday. There’s this girl, a ‘mean girl’ as your Momma calls her. I just call her a bully. She will have a hay day with this. She’s the whole impetus for this ‘appearance’ thing, but the fact is I’m fairly confident the hairstyle will backfire on me. Cutting-edge for a boy is code for mean-girl fodder in my estimation.”

Mean girls—how I hate them! But they usually pick on other girls. I wonder if this one somehow picks up on ‘Lexi’. I press a little further, “Why do you think that? What does she have against you?”

He walks a little in silence, then finally says, “I honestly don’t know how it all started. After I came out of my coma, I didn’t go to school for a while—I just studied at home. It wasn’t hard, since I was way ahead of my grade-level anyway. When I went back, Momma thought it would be best to start somewhere else…fresh… Someplace I wouldn’t continuously strain to try and remember and stress over. By then, I had already gained most of this weight and she just sort of latched onto me from day one. She mostly makes fun of my gynecomastia and that I should wear a bra. Now, with the hair…”

He drops the sentence and seems worried. I feel his pain and think about it. A somewhat obvious solution comes to mind. I ask, “What if you did?”

He stops dead in his tracks and looks at me. He gives me a very intelligent response, “Huh?”

I stop and say, “I’m serious! We could put you in a sports bra that wouldn’t be visible—unless you want it to be, of course. That just sort of depends on how bold and in her face you want to be. We could either compress your…”

He resignedly adds, “Man-boobs…”

I continue, “Your ‘man-boobs’ down—or we could boldly show that you don’t take her seriously and have the bra show. Sort of in her face, you know. It all depends on your level of confidence and whether you want to let her bully you.”

He gives me a strange look and starts walking fast up the hill as if trying to outrun the thoughts. Finally, more than slightly out of breath, he huffs, “I think you’re crazy. The fact is that couldn’t work…” After a few seconds and major panting, he wheezes, “Could it?”

I say, “Trust me, I know mean girls and have to deal with them all of the time. I go to a private school and well over half of the girls there qualify. My skin got toughened up a long time ago. I learned the best way to take the wind out of their sails is to mock them in a way they don’t get. Like in your case…if they mock you with the taunt of wearing a bra. Mock them back by wearing one. They will of course escalate and you will have to escalate back. It becomes a bit of a game of chicken, but so far, I have always won. I can’t say it’s the best course of action for you to actually wear a bra, or not, but it would certainly throw that girl for a loop, I guarantee it!”

He actually giggles and says, “Her and a lot of others at school. I don’t know if I could pull that off, Jewel. Let me think about it.”

I decide it is time to push a little harder, so I nod then make a fake pouting face and say, “You know, you used to call me ‘JuJu’. Actually, you’re the one that came up with it and it stuck.”

He looks at me in surprise, “I did? And…I did?”

I giggle, “Yes and yes. I was pushing Momma to let me join a dojo and learn Jiu Jitsu. I kept pushing and pushing and you started calling me Jiu Jewel. That morphed into JuJu and I actually thought it was kind of cute. So, did Momma, unfortunately.”

He grins and asks, “So, what happened with Jiu Jitsu? It sounds like fun and a great way to get rid of frustrations!”

She shakes her head and says, “I never could convince her, but if you’re willing to go maybe we can change her mind!”

He ponders and asks, “I didn’t want to go before?”

I laugh and say, “Well…no… You were too worried about certain details of your appearance…” ‘Like breaking a nail’, I mentally add.

He gives me funny look then grins, “Oh…I didn’t want to get bruised? I guess I’m over that, now. Bruises are no big deal to me after…”

I grab his hand and squeeze it. I say, “Something like that. Look, I don’t want to force you into anything…”

He grins, “You aren’t. I mean it, it sounds like fun, JuJu!”

ALEX
We walk in silence for a bit. The fact is that I am doing my best to just breathe on this steeper section of the path. We finally come out at a clearing that has an overlook of the mountains and sitting there, all rusty and covered in weeds, is an old junk car. I stop dead in my tracks and wheeze, trying to catch my breath. The view of the mountains is awesome, but all I can think of is the broken-down car that is just sitting there. It is just like me—a shell of its former self. It is beaten up and missing the vital parts that make it go. I am not sure that it could be fixed if someone were to try. It certainly would take a lot of effort and a lot of parts. I shake my head in exasperation.

JuJu takes my hand and squeezes it. She softly asks, “Penny for your thoughts?”

I sigh and nod towards the car. I ask, “Is that a sign? It’s just like me. All beaten up and broken. I think it’s beyond repair. What if I never get my memories back, JuJu?”

It is her turn to sigh. She takes my shoulders and gently turns me towards her. She looks me straight in the eye and softly, but emphatically says, “I really believe you will get your memories back, Alex. But, if you don’t, we will simply have to make new ones. OK?”

I fight the tears that want to form in my eyes and visibly shake at the effort. I know better than to tempt the boots. JuJu just pulls me into a hug and we silently stand there for several minutes.

Finally, I nod and we start the descent back to her house.

On the way down, she looks over at me and says, “Alex, Hon, I really do love your hair. Please don’t do anything drastic?”

I sigh and say, “Well, the bangs are driving me crazy, to be honest. Why would I ever have wanted this style?”

She giggles and says, “Well, you just fell in love with the look. What can I say? I can show you some tricks on how to deal with the bangs. It won’t take you too long to get used to them. I remember when I first got mine. I hope Joyce gave you the proper products to take proper care of your hair? I am glad you are taking that seriously, again.”

I nod.

She continues, “But what about your skin? Did she talk to you about that, too? I don’t see any oiliness yet, but if that starts you’re going to start getting pimples if you don’t take care of it. You don’t want acne scars, right? You used to be really paranoid about that!”

I look over at her and almost trip over a root. I stop and say, “I haven’t really thought about it, JuJu. It’s not really something most guys typically think about. I guess I used to think differently…” I start getting a headache when I concentrate on what she is saying and quickly stop before the boots start raining down on my head again.

JuJu does not relent, though, and huffs, “Bull! Only guys that want people to think they’re all macho pretend like they don’t care. When we get home, I will be showing you how to take care of your skin. I bet your Momma still has your old products—you used to be very particular about your skin, as well as your hair. Maybe getting back into those routines will help spark some memories?”

I sigh. All of this is really overwhelming. It is like I used to be some completely different person! I shake my head and continue down the hill. I decide to change the subject as I wipe the sweat from my brow, “Maybe. Could be. I don’t really know… So, about Jui Jitsu…”