From Head to Toe 4. A lot of

What followed that conversation was a flurry of discussion about what colors meant. What different tones meant. What names had meant. What were colors anyway? I was so confused.

“Calm down, dude. To some women, this is a science. For some women, everything sets the tone with the toes. You get dressed from toe to head, so it makes sense to really put a lot of thought into toe color.

“Look, to me it makes no difference so I don’t care. Just pick a color and go with it. The bath water is starting to go cold anyway.”

“Stop worrying about that.” She motioned for me to pick my feet up and she toweled them off. She put on some pink gloves and got to work on my feet.

It was disgusting watching her go to town on my dead skin cells. With just a few heavy rubs, she was able to remove a good layer of white skin cells from my feet.

As she continued her job, we made a little small talk and I thought about colors as best I could.

“So how am I doing?” I wanted to know.

“Compared to what?”

“You know… to other dudes who come in here. I must be totally different from every other guy who comes in here.” I was cool and comfortable in my own skin… even as it was being sloughed off from my feet.

“Well, I basically think that everyone is the same. We all have a good idea of who we are and we either base our personalities around how we perceive ourselves or we base our appearance around our identity.”

“I know, but…” I paused to think about how to ask this gracefully. “Well, how do things start to change? I know that there is the basic idea that as we start to progress from toe to head or head to toe or whatever, that there are seeds that get planted and that –“

“Yeah yeah, that’s all in the brochure. ‘Seeds of growth that spring into shared roots,’ right?”

“I remember reading that.”

“Everyone does… well, all the guys do,” she said. She rinsed off my feet in the basin and after, she brought one of my clean and now slightly red feet on the edge of the bath. She got an emory board and started doing something to my toenails. Wasn’t sure. It didn’t feel good but it didn’t hurt either.

“So colors, let’s talk about colors,” she went on.

“Yes, colors. Let’s discuss colors,” I mocked. “Just choose for me, will ya? And make me look good or whatever. Well, make me look like a good guy for my girlfriend.”

“It doesn’t work that way. This is supposed to take thought and consideration. It has to be personal. It has to be you. You have to decide on what you want.”

“I don’t know how to say this, but I really don’t care. It’s just a color. Blue pink, purple, orange, white, yellow, green, gray, black, polka dot,” her head dotted up as if I said something interesting.

“Polka dot?” she asked inquisitively. “That one might be hard.”

In my head I couldn’t imagine having polka dot colored feet.

“Well forget about polka dots then… just give me pale pink. Pale pink. Just girly enough, but too girly right?”

“Well, since you love pamphlets and research, here you go.” She reached under my chair and brought out a good 25 page small booklet and handed it to me. L’Oreal Nail Colors.

I looked in it. Holy shit. What was the difference between ‘Pink Moon’ and ‘Sunrise Brunch’ and ‘Chiffon-d of You’. They all looked pale pink to me. I ignored colors that made reference to boys.

“Here’s one, ‘topless and barefoot.’” Good name,” I said. “Or what about ‘It’s raining men?’ Is that ironic or something? Ooh I like Madison Avenue Strut.”

“Those are all good ones, but again, they are not YOU.” She got up and rubbed my feet with some oil that again felt good but unnecessary.

I was getting frustrated. “Well, I don’t know what to do. Tell me what to do.”

“Ok. She got up and dimmed the lights and turned on a sound machine that had a nice sound of crashing waves. “You’re going to want to close your eyes again, but this will be quick and painless and you’ll have a color in the end, I promise.”

Sounds reasonable. “Okay, fine.”

“Okay here goes,” she paused and I heard the clicking of an iphone. I think she was reading from a script – I had read a review that mentioned that there were some guides that the staff ended up using for clients.

“Imagine it’s 3 weeks from now. You’re on vacation. It’s just you and your girlfriend. The sand is white and warm but not too hot. In fact, there’s a good breeze there. There’s a blanket big enough for both of you and picture this, there is no sand on the blanket. It’s just you and your girlfriend. She is there and smiling and wearing a bathing suit. You’re also wearing a bathing suit. And you guys are happy and a great couple. You have a mai tai in your hand a straw that you’re sipping out of. There is some lipstick on the straw but you don’t mind. The breeze is nice and it prevents you from getting too sweaty and too sandy. You start to stretch and your arm wraps around Molly and she leans her head into your chest. You share a laugh. You have what is called an intimate moment. You are relaxed. The breeze gets a little cooler as the sun starts to descend. It’s getting a little chilly and Molly notices that you’re getting cold. She can tell by your goose bumps that are showing up on your arms, your tummy, and your legs.”

I blushed a little when she said tummy. It was cute.

“She gets you a linen blanket and drapes it around your legs. It’s not a warm blanket but it’s all you’ve got from getting too chilly. You decide to get up and take a walk in the sun before the sun sets immediately. You get your light sweater you brought with you, your sunhat, and you grab your sandals, and you put them on. You look down at your feet once you get your sandals on…”

“Okay,” I say.

“What color are your toes?”

“I don’t know, they’re covered up,” I sputtered. I was confused but in my mind I can’t picture the toe color. I was getting frantic. What the fuck was wrong with me? “I can’t see any fucking color!” It was true.

“Shhh… don’t tremble. It’s ok. I’ll walk you through this.”

My heart started to race in a bad way. I think I was failing everything – that if I couldn’t do this right, then it was all for nothing. I might be the first failure. No no… commitment!

“Just keep closing your eyes, sweetheart. Ok, the sun is beginning to set and you just want to take off your sandals and walk towards the shore to say one last goodbye to the ocean before you go into your bungalow and have a romantic dinner before having sharing a bottle of champagne. You are enjoying your walk but want to take off your sandals.”

In my mind, an image starts to form.

Ok, things are getting a little nuts.