From the pen of Delia Gruntfuttock...

...Delia, the eldest daughter of J. Peasemold Gruntfuttock,
self-proclaimed King of Peasemoldia

Idly meandering through some posts on a forum recently I found a little gem of a posting from Aardvark on the topic of the shortest TG story.

    "I like The Anonymous Bastard's version of the shortest TG story ever written: 'He became she.'"

Since the topic of my PhD research was 'Short TG stories' I, naturally, spent some time discovering the life and writings of Anonymous Bastard.

I hope, perhaps, that you, dear reader, may enjoy a brief sojourn whilst I explore the shortest of the short TG stories genre. But before I do, let me tell you a little about the person that is - Anonymous Bastard.

Anonymous or `Nony - as he is known to his friends - is today somewhat of a reclusive figure. This is partly caused by his intense dislike of authority and in part caused by his own rather odd fashion sense.

Whenever he ventures out in Greenwich Village, the masses usually vocalize their protest against his bizarre clothing choices;

    “Hey `Nony! No”,

they chorus - usually with some considerable feeling.

Over the years this has had quite a depressive effect on his personality, as perhaps you may imagine.

An odd episode I recall, was one of `Nony’s early forays en-femme. If I remember correctly, it was his choice of skirt; made of dried spaghetti stitched to a canvas belt - worn as a hipster, you understand - that caused all the brou-ha-ha.

The sight of his hairy navel was bad enough, but what `Nony didn't realize was that whilst standing at home the skirt was fine, it just became much less so after sitting for a while on a Central Park bench.

He was arrested for indecent exposure. A complaint was made by a group of Italian tourists disgusted at the inappropriate use of their national dish. They assumed he was making a racist slur against them, by mooning, as he was, through the pasta. But I don't agree. I accept his claim that he was re-tightening his bootlaces.

His defence attorney tried to get the jury to believe that `Nony had incorrectly computed the pasta’s Modulus of Elasticity. Hence the spaghetti had all broken to pieces, when when subjected to the inordinate stresses and strains generated between `Nony’s posterior and the park bench.

But the pasta skirt didn't wash with the jury. In fact it didn't wash with anybody. He was sent down for thirty days. The irony of all irony was that his first meal in the slammer was spag-bol. I guess it stuck in his craw that night.

It was whilst in prison that he penned 'He became she'.

He sent the manuscript to his sister, including a note complaining that he had forcibly become his cellmate's bitch. Publication and a measure of literary success followed his release.

'He became she' set new standards of TG brevity whilst still fully engaging the reader with the angst storyline. However, I found it fairly run of the mill. Yes, it was short, but there were so many more stories like it already published. It didn't tell me anything I didn't already know.

When the sequel, "She became he", came out a few months afterwards, I was immediately taken by the pathos of the reversal. Apparently his probation officer has suggested the theme and of course a talent such as `Nony's just picked it up and ran. It immediately went to the top of the Short TG Story list and stayed there for several weeks.

But, after that, all Bastard's stories became rather formulaic; don't you think? 'He becomes me,' and later, after his probation was over, 'She becomes me', simply failed to excite. 'He becomes it' did have something to say about the modern obsession with GRS, but largely failed to engage the average reader.

'I became her; she became me,' whilst not the shortest story, by a long chalk, was certainly heralded as a plot-line with an exciting, refreshing brevity for those well into the body-swap genre.

'I came all over her,' released last year, appeared to be Anonymous Bastard's brief foray away from his usual TG fare; it simply exploded onto the Summer's holiday paperback market. Some said he had become pornographic and was simply catering to the lowest of tastes. But it sold very well.

Many booksellers reported that a high proportion of copies of the hardback edition suffered by having their dust-cover stolen. Most probably this was because the highly erotic jacket artwork left nothing to the imagination, even though the well-crafted text did. However, the resulting cover-less version is now a highly sought after collectors item. In my experience almost everyone wants it bare-back. I am not sure why?

Anyway, all that is by the by; let me return to my theme of the best short TG stories.

The briefest erotic story, for general audiences, I have ever found in all my years of extensive research is Ida Gonightly's 'I came.' Having re-read it many times, I still suspect her of plagiarizing Julius Caesar's reported address to the Roman Senate in BC 47.

Caesar, commenting on his affair with Zela, is reported to have said, "Veni, vidi, vici." 'I came, I saw, I conquered.' By modern standards one might assume Caesar suffered premature ejaculation, but it was two thousand years ago, maybe things were different then? But anyway Ida's story, partly because of plot-line deficiencies; partly because of suspect originality; is not my favourite

However, a variation of Caesar's offering certainly manages to still speak to us across the millennia. It must be a candidate for everyone's Short TG Story list. Contemporary Roman transvestites took up Caesar's story and re-worked it into a delightfully succinct and camp version - at least in the original Latin. I often look it up when I need my spirits lifted. It is not clear who exactly penned the changes to Caesar's original text, but I like to imagine it was one of `Nony's forebears. It remains a favourite to this day.

For many years, legions of transvestite-Romans marching into battle, wearing those oh-so-fetching little leather mini skirts, carried, emblazoned on the standards of the Roman legions, beneath SPQR - Senatus Populus que Romanus - 'The Roman Senate and People', the immortal and, for me, the best short TG storyline ever; 'Vesti, vidi, veni.' 'I dressed, I saw, I came.'

Cambridge Romano-Anglo Press

Copyright CRAP 2007

Delia posted this years ago as a blog item for another purpose; she believes it stands well on its own.