I stood outside the GAT house, leaning against the railing and staring at the far off stadium lights. Football season would be starting any day now and you know, while I wasn’t a big fan of the games themselves I couldn’t help but be addicted to the energy. The screaming fans, the crudely drawn paper sighs, and oh god, the after-parties. I couldn’t tell you how much I was looking forward to getting completely smashed at the DEM house and waking up with a random stranger, especially after the events of the last few weeks. I felt like I’d destroyed Audrey and sold my soul to Derringer’s company but you know what’s strange? I didn’t feel that bad about it. Okay, maybe Audrey, but the other thing? Not so much. Maybe my parents had pushed me too far, maybe it was time to become the monster that they’d always imagined me to be. Maybe that was okay.

“What are you thinking about?” Audrey asked. I nearly jumped out of my skin. She was sitting on the steps, three feet from me and I hadn’t noticed her. She was presenting male, well, sort of androgynous, but you get the picture.

“Audrey what the hell are you doing? When did you get here?”

“I’m here a lot, if you didn’t notice,” She shrugged. She had her feet set on the steps with her knees close to her chin; her arms were wrapped around her denim covered legs.

“I was…actually thinking about you,” I admitted. “Everyone’s been kind of worried about you. What happened with Tri Pi?”

“You mean you’re worried because you just left me there for like two days?” She smirked. I rolled my eyes and shook my head. She was becoming really, really aware of the things that were happening to her. She wasn’t the scared little girl I’d met in my room a few weeks ago, that was for sure.

“Yeah,” I said. “What happened at Tri Pi when I left you there?”

“Mostly just hung out,” She shrugged. “I played my game, worked out some transition things-“

“Transition?” I raised an eyebrow. “I talked to you about transition the other day and you said-“

“I think I’ve changed my mind,” She interrupted me. “I mean…we all know I want to be a girl. I just…think it’s time to start pursuing it, you know? Before I get old and wrinkly.”

“I have SO much to do before I get old and wrinkly,” I sighed. “How are things going with Chastity? Have you talked to her?”

“You pretty much sunk that like the Titanic. You know, if the Titanic were sunk by a nuke.”

“I’m really sorry about that,” I stared off into the distance, toward the stadium lights again, allowing my eyes to lose focus for a moment. I closed my eyes, finally and concentrated on the cool night air gently rubbing against my skin. Somewhere in the distance, crickets chirped, and I could hear the sound of someone screaming inside the DEM house. That was normal.

“What’s done is done,” Audrey said dismissively. She wanted us to think she was okay, but I didn’t think she was. I really didn’t. “Hey is Tiffany here? I kinda have a bone to pick with her.”

“Get in line,” I snorted. “But no, I don’t think she’s here. I think she went to hang out with Shawn.”

“The DEM president? What’s she doing with him?”

“What isn’t she doing with him?”

“Ew.”

“Preaching to the choir, lady,” I sighed and looked back toward the house. I needed to get inside, I needed to get some homework done, I needed to get ready for tomorrow, I needed to do so many things. I didn’t want to do any of them.

“How’s the play going?” I asked. I kind of wanted to know about that, but mostly because we were using it for charity hours. Maybe I was being a little selfish right now.

“I’m a girl, you know,” She said suddenly. I blinked and turned to look at her. Where the hell had that come from? “I’m a girl, like you. I look…hideous on the outside. I feel like I’m never going to be good enough. People look at me and this is all they see. They just see…this horrible, ugly boy and they had no idea what’s below the surface. There’s so much more to me that I can’t tell Mason, that I can’t tell anyone. You know, when I go out to the mall or anywhere, I see girls wearing these adorably outfits and I know that if I were…a girl on the outside I could walk up to them and say ‘Hey I love your top, where’d you get that?’ or…just…talk to them…like a girl. But I can’t, Aleah, because I look like this. I’m…a girl in here but that’s not what matters to people. Nature is cruel, Aleah. Sometimes the caterpillar never really becomes the butterfly.”

“Audrey…”I trailed off. I really didn’t know what to say. She smiled sadly and stood, walking off into the night.

I walked over to the steps where she’d been sitting just a moment ago and sat down on the steps where she’d been a moment ago. I could feel my eyes beginning to water as I came to the realization that I was failing once again. I couldn’t help her. I didn’t know what I was doing. I sighed.

“God help me Jayne,” I said, staring up at the sky. “I should tell her to fuck off and live her life but…It’s just…she reminds me of you, and I want you with me.”

There was no answer. There never would be. I was alone. I was the monster. So be it.