I nodded to Sakiya as I sat down at the table in the quad. She was nicely dressed, as usual. Tri Pi’s fashion sense had always been a little more refined than ours, I guess you could say. Yeah we were on top of the latest trends, but every Tri Pi girl looked like they could wake up in the morning and walk into church every single day of the week, it was disturbing, or even kind of Stepfordy.

“So,” She said. “I’m going to cut right to the chase, how can I help you exactly?”

“Okay so, Gamma ran into a little problem, it started with this guy named Todd, he’s uh…an English major I think?”

“I know exactly who you’re talking about,” Sakiya nodded. “Kind of a creepy guy, was dating Chastity, not sure how he ended up with her but I’m glad she dumped him, I kind of feared for her life.”

“Yeah, well, about that…” I said. “I wanted you to know that I came to you with this because you’re the president of the LGBT club, and maybe—”

“Wait,” She stared at me. “Are you saying Todd’s gay?”

“Uh…kind…of?” I said, cocking my head a bit. “I mean uh…it’s…he’s…”

“I’m on a schedule here,” Sakiya pointed to a nonexistent watch on her wrist. “You’re going to want to spit it out, whatever it is.”

So I told her. I told her everything from the beginning. I think it took all of twenty minutes to unfold the entire tale and by the time I was done she was staring at me blankly. Had she heard what I’d just said? Any of it at all? There was an awkward silence and then, she suddenly cleared her throat and brushed her bangs from her face before speaking.

“Tiffany, do you hear that?” She asked, staring intently into my eyes with a finger resting against her chin as if she were simultaneously deep in thought.

“Hear…what?” I asked. I listened, the area around us was actually pretty quiet. “I don’t hear…anything.”

“Oh!” She said. “It’s that tree over there! It’s lamenting the fact that it had to burst forth from a seed, survive life as a sapling in this cruel, unforgiving world, and managed to defy the odds, growing into a huge oak tree just so it could provide oxygen for your mentally deficient self.”

“Excuse me?!” I demanded, slamming both hands on the table. “I didn’t—”

“You did!” Sakiya shouted at me. “You took a perfectly nor—okay you took a trans girl and you traumatized the fuck out of her! Like do you know how many years of therapy it’s going to tak…UGH! I don’t even have words for how mad I am at you. You are so…all of you are so STUPID! GAT has always had a bad reputation, I don’t know why they even allow you onto the Greek council, but holy fucking Jesus Christ on an English muffin you daft fucking prick!”

“Wow…um…I’m…sorry?”

“You’re sorry?” Sakiya raised an eyebrow. “What exactly did you think you were doing? I could understand playing a little bit of dress up. Trans girls love being helped with the whole clothing thing, and maybe you could have just taught her to do her makeup. A little pet project never hurt anyone, but you MADE her come OUT to her fucking GIRLFRIEND?! I can’t believe I have to tell you that this is wrong!”

“You know,” I said. “We were just playing it by ear, we’ve never really run into anything like this before, and Todd- I mean Audrey seems to like it with us—”

“Are you sure that’s not Stockholm Syndrome?”

“I don’t know what to do Sakiya,” I said, throwing my hands up in frustration. “Tell me what I’m supposed to do.”

“Um…did you try directing her to a therapist or maybe the fucking LGBT club? Did you try…um…I don’t know…ANYTHING but what you did?”

“Sakiya, serious, help me,” I pleaded. “Ever since we…did…that she’s been super depressed. I’m literally afraid she’s just going to kill herself.”

“Oh I’m going to help you,” Sakiya said condescendingly. “But first you’re going to do something for me, well, two things. Stand up, walk over to that tree, and apologize to it.”

“What?” I demanded. “You want me to what?!”

“Go apologize to that tree for wasting its life. Tell it you’re going to try to be a good girl, and that this Christmas you’ll give Tiny Tim the money to buy the Christmas goose. Get up, go to the tree, I’m on a schedule.”

I searched her face, trying to find anything resembling sarcasm. She couldn’t be serious, right? The longer I stared at her the more insistent her expression became. I finally sighed and stood up from the bench, biting my lower lip as I took a few steps backward and the did a full 180 toward the tree.

“I’m…sorry…” I said to the tree. I felt like a complete idiot.

“Tell it what you’re sorry for!”

“I’m…sorry that…you have to produce oxygen for me.” What the hell, this was so stupid.

“Now apologize for global warming!”

“What the hell Sakiya, it’s not even real!” I spat back.

“Okay, and then apologize for being a republican!”

“Okay…tree,” I sighed. “I’m sorry for global warming and I’m sorry for my political views.”

“Get back over here,” Sakiya sighed. I walked back toward the table, rolling my eyes as I went.

“Okay,” She said to me as I sat down. “Listen to me very closely, because this is what we’re going to do.”