Author's Note:
Dedicated in loving memory to our brother and our friend, Tim, AKA Zotz Mein, AKA Kagguh, taken from this earth far too soon and too young. We'll miss you more than words.

~ Zoe and Ashleigh

It was never, or at least never intended to be, any secret that I struggled with my spirituality for a long time, and the events leading to my becoming Robin full time made things more chaotic and confusing, not less. Moreover, the only spiritual friend I had was Jenn, whose beliefs were, let’s face it, hard to pin down at the best of times.

Sometimes she was the cool friend full of little quips that just made you smile, and other times, it was like she was someone’s really old grandmother reborn - she knew what you needed to hear before you did. Not gonna lie. She scared me a little on more than one occasion.

I was thinking about death a lot, lately, and what happens when we die. Really, I never stopped thinking about it ever since Mom’s big accident. But I had especially been reflecting on it lately. It was hard not to, knowing how many had died in the very walls we were renovating for our fundraiser haunted house thing.

Most famously, a year ago I helped organize a memorial service for a girl I didn’t know. Everyone asked me at the time, why I put so much energy into it. At the time, I told them that it was to help my fellow campers, but to be brutally honest? I was doing it for selfish reasons, and didn’t want to admit it - not even to myself. I was bracing myself.

I was going through the motions, leaning on Jenn’s traditions and spirituality and trying to cope with the fact that my mom, for all I knew, lay dying in a hospital half a world away, and there was nothing I could do about it. To others it was a memorial, giving them the chance to say goodbye to a girl who had impacted their lives more than she could ever know. For me, it was a practice funeral, and I felt horrible once I realized that. But I didn’t know who to talk to about it.

I brought it up with Dr. Ketz of course. Unlike Jenn, she really was someone’s grandmother. She was also a professional, but somehow her advice just didn’t help me like I had hoped. She told me that it was perfectly natural, that we all develop coping mechanisms when we think we’re faced with death.

That part I understood. That was science: that was brain chemistry. I got brain chemistry, believe me. When your brain and your body are at odds you spend a lot of time learning things on more reliable sites than just Wikipedia.

On some level, the fact that Mom woke up, almost to the hour after that memorial service, shook me to my core, spiritually. A Jedi, if they existed, would say there’s no coincidence, only the Force. That’s the easy answer, in science fantasy or in reality - ghosts did it. But life’s never that easy. It’s easy to ignore, which I had done for a hear and some change.

I worked my butt off, always moving, always doing something, from basketball to cheer to Kempo to volunteering, I was always moving, and no one understood why. I sure didn’t. These were the kinds of things that were increasingly distracting me lately. I didn’t think anyone else noticed. My grades were up, the construction was going by amazingly thanks to all the community outreach.

Ever since we learned that Kris and Mary, the legal owners of the old asylum and descendants of actual residents, were planning to leave our work up and pay professional actors after Halloween, to run the place year-rounds, we made the collective decision to cordon off one small area as a break room.

The younger girls like Amanda and her cousin Danielle painted the walls a pleasant, soothing dark blue color, and we brought in some lovely fake flowers that didn’t really have the desired effect. Coupled with the darkened room and the horrors that awaited on the other side, it almost felt more like a funerary meeting room.

Maybe that was just a side effect of where I was mentally, lately, but I could just picture the folding chairs all in rows for the family rather than the folding tables and padded chairs we had there now, a casket where the coffee counter with donated espresso machine stood. I was getting myself a double shot when I heard the door open behind me.

Jenn walked in, and I laughed a little. She had flecks of red paint on her face and in her hair that looked like blood. I knew it was paint because I had helped her carry two fresh cans into the “red room” an hour ago.

“I know,” she said, grinning. “I look like one of Nikki’s victims.”

“I never understood goth before,” I said. Jennifer giggled.

“You’re dating the high Queen of Darkness, and you never understood it? I’m sensing a ‘but’, though,” she added knowingly as she fired up the espresso maker.

“But I’m beginning to appreciate it,” I answered after a sip of coffee. “I think maybe I always did on some subconscious level.”

“I won’t tell Nikki,” Jenn laughed. “She’ll be measuring you for corsets.”

We sat down at the table, and a comfortable silence fell over us for a moment before Jenn said, “You know it’s weird, but with those flowers, this sort of feels like a funeral visiting room.”

While I sat and wondered how she had so perfectly read my thoughts, Nikki and Allie came in from a donut and bagel run, setting their confectionary treasures near the espresso machine. Nikki brought me a bear claw, no flecks of paint in sight, just some fake blood clinging to the underside of her fingernails.

“I can’t believe this place opens tomorrow night,” Nikki said. She looked over at Allie. “Hey is that thing stocked?” she asked, pointing to the little, diminutive refrigerator in the corner. I hadn’t even noticed it. It wasn’t a true mini fridge, at least not the little square boxes I pictured them being. It stood about 4 feet off the ground with rounded corners.

Jenn spoke up, “I threw some sodas in last night - Pepsi, Coke, Mountain Dew,” she paused to grin and then she and Allie said in unison, “Red cream soda.”

Everyone giggled, even me, as Nikki got up to grab herself one of the laatter. She cracked it open. “I never appreciated these things until I met Robin.”

“Hey,” Allie laughed, “I like them too.”

“Yes,” Nikki teased, “But you like pineapple on your pizza. There’s no accounting for taste.”

“That’s Jenn’s fault,” Allie laughed. Jenn gave her a winning smile.

“I was just telling Robin how the break room feels like a funeral parlor with those new flowers. I guess lilies weren’t the best choice.”

“Yeah,” I said laughing. “I thought it was just me. I’ve had death on my mind a lot lately.”

I suddenly wanted to sink into the floor after I said that because my friends, being my friends, immediately circled the wagons and came closer.

“I don’t mean like that,” I said and shook my head. “I mean... Well for awhile now. Ever since that first girl scout camp, almost losing Mom and everything.” I tried to shrug it off. “It’s just been in the back of my mind.”

“No, I get it,” Nikki said. “That’s kind of what drives a lot of people to go goth, or to “find religion”, for that matter - searching for answers, or for some comfort. For me it was a very real desire for a very long time, to just stop existing. It’s okay to not be okay.”

“Being honest,” I sighed, “I already talked to Dr. Ketz about a lot of this, but it’s just... It doesn’t help, you know? But I don’t think religion can help me either - no offense guys.”

“None taken.” Jenn smiled, “But you should try them out anyway. Maybe you’ll find the answers you’re looking for.”

“Hey, isn’t Maryanne over in the dental room?” Nikki asked, looking at Jenn.

“Oh hey, yeah,” Jenn said. “She was greasing the hydraulics on the mannequin nurse that jumps out at you from the blind corner.”

“Who’s Maryanne?” I asked, glancing between them.

“Reverend Maryanne Sullivan,” Nikki said. “She’s the pastor at a little church near Jenn’s house.”

Jenn nodded. “She’s very down to earth. You’ll like her.”

“Yeah,” Allie spoke up at that, “She’s not the Hellfire and Brimstone type. She subbed my AP biology class a couple of times back in eighth grade, and you’d never even know she was a reverend.”

“I guess it can’t hurt to meet her,” I said hesitantly. If all three of them spoke up for her, how bad could she be? So I went to go talk to her. “Hi.” I spoke up.

“Ah you must be Robin?” a woman in her early to mid twenties asked, I had totally thought she’d have been much older. I half-nervously offered her the peace offering I had brought - an ice cold Mountain Dew from the break room fridge. “Oh, I like you already,” she laughed

I laughed a little. “Jenn’s idea,” I said as I helped her move the nurse mannequin back into position. “You’re Reverend Maryanne right?”

“Yup, and to bust the elephant in the room right now, I’m not one of those you’re going to hell type Reverends.” Maryanne giggled. “Actually you’ll more likely hear someone around here calling me The Professor,” she added jokingly. “I’ve got a Doctorate in Theology, which by the way isn’t the study of christianity mainly, but the study of all religions.”

“And a Masters in Biology,” Trina said as she walked past carrying some empty paint cans. Say what you will, but that girl had amazing hearing.

“That too,” Maryanne laughed. “So, what’s on your mind?”

“Just some questions that I’ve been thinking about, but I’m not sure if Religion can help me..” I sighed. “But I’ll try anything at this point. I’ve been... I don’t know, struggling with things for a long time now.”

Maryanne nodded, and walked over to the door’s wall taking two chairs that were leaning against it, unfolded them as she brought them back over. “Have a seat.” she smiled at me. I took the chair facing away from the creepy mannequin strapped to the dentist chair.

“It really started last summer, after my mom’s car accident left her in a coma,” I said. “I mean, I’ve had other struggles before that obviously, but I’m actually really happy with where my life is right now, with who I am. It’s the other stuff that I’m having trouble coping with now.”

“That’s always a good thing, being happy with who you are and where you’re at in your personal life.” Maryanne spoke. “I’m sorry to have just heard about your mother being in a coma, I hope she’s okay?”

“Oh, yeah,” I nodded. “She’s doing great, except for the swollen ankles,” I giggled out. “She’s expecting.”

“Well that’s a blessing.” Maryanne nodded. “Okay so what about this other stuff that’s bothering you?”

“Okay, so lately I’ve been thinking about death,” I sighed. “Like it’s been something I’ve thought about since Mom’s accident, like I said, but it’s really bugging me lately, y’know?”

“A normal thing to think about, since we humans are mortal after all.” Maryanne winked. “Even at your age it’s normal.”

“Especially in a place like this,” I said. “I talk to the owners a lot about what happened here, getting ideas for the haunted attraction. It really makes you think after a while.”

“Yeah, Mary and Kris are good people.” Maryanne nodded. “Did you know that they both attend my church regularly?”

I shook my head. “Honestly I didn’t even know my friends did until literally five minutes ago. I guess they didn’t want me to feel pressured.”

“Jennifer comes every Sunday.” Maryanne nodded. “Nichole comes every so often, but I see her more at other events. Jennifer’s told me a lot about you.”

“Everything or just a lot?” I asked her.

“Just a lot, she says there’s some things that she can’t tell me about,” Maryanne said, “Which i’m totally cool with. I know you’re dating Nikki, which I’m really happy about. She was so excited after you started dating, it was like she was a totally different, happier person.”

“But if you’re a Reverend, doesn’t the bible say, that a woman and woman and man and man shouldn’t lay together?” I asked.

“The bible says a lot of things,” Maryanne nodded. “Mark Twain famously joked that a man could follow the bible, word for word, and lie, cheat, steal, and murder with impunity. He was right, too,” she laughed. “But as a Reverend, and not a Priest, i’m allowed to interpret the word, I don’t have a pope to tell me how to do it. You see, Robin, I believe in the spirit of the teachings - love your neighbor, that sort of thing. Not just ‘love your white male red meat eating neighbor’.”

I couldn’t help laughing at the ‘love thy neighbor’ thing, which caused her to smile too. “You know how everyone depicts Jesus as a white guy on a cross?” she asked me. “Well, not only is that horribly inaccurate, they didn’t even get the cross right. Archeological evidence has shown it was more likely an X design, like something out of a bad bondage porn movie.”

That was it. I couldn’t hold it in anymore and just burst out laughing. “This is really not what I expected.” I managed to get out finally.

“You expected some 50 year old woman, who was a prude and stuck to everything the bible says?” Maryanne grinned. “I’m also a firm believer that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar,” she winked. “But I’m really not out to convert the world. Instead, I’m here to help people along. If they find comfort with my church, awesome. If not, I’m happy to help them find where they are comfortable, be that at a church, synagogue, mosque, or a truck stop in New Jersey.”

She looked over at the door and grinned again. “I see your friends waiting to see how our meeting went. Is there anything else I can help you with before they can’t stand it anymore and bust in?” she teased.

“One of the biggest things I remember about church in California, the pastor used to say that transgender people had a special place in hell.” I sighed.

Maryanne shook her head. “The reality is, I believe, that there’s a very special place in hell for those who act as a stumbling block to others in their own blind, foolish pride. Satan, as the story goes, fell because of his pride. I don’t believe that a God who sent his only son to die for our sins, who made us as his image, could hate us for being who we are. God gave us free will so that we wouldn’t have to be perfect, whether transgender, or blind, or Republican,” she teased.

“Thanks Reverend.” I said, laughing again.

“Call me Maryanne.” she said, and I gave her a hug. “If you ever have any questions, Jenn has my private cell phone number, so you can get it from her, “Also the church doors are always open.”

“There was... one other question,” I said as I stopped halfway to the door, turning around. “Trina said you have a Masters in Biology. How do you reconcile what your faith tells you, with what science tells you?”

“Science is part of religion.” Maryanne said. “I also have a masters in Earth Science.”

“Now I know why they wanted me to meet you,” I said with a laugh. “You’re an overachiever, too.”

“I spent my highschool years and my college years in books, yes.” Maryanne laughed. “I was always searching for answers to the questions my parents, my pastor, and my teachers couldn’t answer. I’m still searching, to be honest, but I’m mostly satisfied with what I’ve learned.”

“Thanks again Maryanne.” I smiled and waved turning back to my friends.

“So?” Jenn asked.

“La ti do?” Nikki added.

“So I just learned you’re not some sort of Hawaiian goddess.” I giggled.

Jenn laughed. “Nope. I just have a Hawaiian upbringing, and a religious dad,” she teased. “Hey! You’ve never met my dad have you?” she asked, as if it only just occurred to her.

“Nope.” I shook my head. “I think I’ve only meet your mom once or twice, she seems to be a lot like you though.”

Jenn nodded. “She stays pretty busy. They divorced when I was young, but they’re still good friends. Dad’s a missionary now so I only see him once or twice a year.”

“That’s got to suck. I never meet my real dad, and from what my mom says I don’t want to.” I shrugged. “I kinda do. But he was killed in an oil field accident when I was young, so.”

“Yeah,” Allie said, “I remember you talking about that once. On the bright side he had a huge life insurance policy to take care of you and Margie.”

“Yeah.” I nodded and smiled. In the end, in his own weird way, he did care a little. “Plus I have Sensei Dad now. He’s pretty cool,” I said jokingly.

“Ash is more than cool.” Allie laughed. “So, hey Robin, since we’re on the subject of religion, and I know Nikki would never ask you herself-” Nikki glared at her.

“What?” I laughed.

“You should come with us to one of our meetings.” Allie grinned.

“I wasn’t going to ask you for the same reason we never talk about Maryanne around you,” Nikki laughed. “You’ve got enough shit on your boots. I didn’t want to make it worse. But Allie’s right. If you want another perspective on religion, you’re welcome to come to the grove with us.”

“Grove?” I asked.

“It’s a meeting place, owned by the Priestess.” Allie nodded. “It’s sort of like that sweet little camping spot we use sometimes, only less prone to flooding,” she teased. “But it’s super peaceful there.”

Jenn coughed. “What they’re trying to say, and doing a terrible job at it, is Allie and Nikki are modern pagans.”

“I didn’t know that.” I looked at Allie, “I thought so about Nikki, but not you.”

“I hide it really well,” Allie giggled. “I don’t go around calling myself Lady Lizard Princess or whatever, and chanting at the moon,” she teased, playfully elbowing Nikki.

“Not all NeoPagan or Modern Pagans are goth, or dark, or evil witches, or even wiccans,” Nikki said, nodding. “There’s a huge difference between the two religions as well by the way.” Nikki said, elbowing Allie back. “Wicca was founded in 1954, where Paganism has been around since man’s been capable of higher thought.”

“It gets confusing because there’s so many pantheons,” Allie said. “We follow the Irish pantheon because we both have a little Irish blood, plus the stories are just so cool. Like there’s a dude who turns into a fish for no reason.”

“Our Priestess talks about all of them though. She’s really cool like that,” Nikki nodded. “Even throws in some other religions into our stuff. Her main goal is education and inspiration, letting us interpret it instead of telling us how to interpret it.”

“So, I gotta ask,” I said, “How do you sneak off to these meetings without me ever knowing about it? Between cheer, basketball, and school,” I laughed.

“We go on Fridays when there’s no activities.” Nikki stated. “It helps that your Kempo is on Thursdays now,” she added. “But even then we’d go when you were winding down after school.”

“Did I mention,” Jenn said, “Free refreshments?”

“Sold,” I said jokingly. “Wait, you go too?”

“Sure, but not all the time,” Jenn said. “I’m pretty comfortable in my faith, but it’s nice to worship in nature sometimes, plus I love to support these two.”

“I’m sorry we kept this from you,” Nikki said.

“No it’s okay I totally get it,” I said, “Religion is one of those subjects that can make or break friendships at the best of times.”

“Exactly,” Allie nodded. “When we first met, you were already pretty freaked out over Linda’s accident - totally understandable by the way. Then after awhile, there just... never came a good point to talk about it.”

“Okay, folks and folkets,” Mary’s voice came over the newly fully functional intercom and speaker system, “All work teams have checked in, and we are ready for a test run! Pizza to be catered by Tony’s afterwards.”