Previously

“Yes ma... Helen. I’ve never had a relationship before and I don’t have the beginnings of a clue how to go about it. I’m too scared to even talk to her when we’re not on shift together. I’m afraid I’ll do something wrong, frighten her, maybe hurt her by mistake. I might be better coordinated but I’m still… This…” he gestured at his own bulk.

“Just… go talk to her. We’ll deal with rewriting the rules later but for now there’s no rule on this ship against you two having a relationship. There’s so little happiness left in this world Jimmy… we have to hold every scrap of it dear. “

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And now…

Mikhail lay there trying to take his mind off the maddening itching but the only distraction he could find was the other occupant of his ward. He tried not to stare at their face, so innocent, beautiful and wide eyed, even beneath the rapidly yellowing bruises. He had heard the doctors and nurses discussing the tests they were running on the person he now knew was named Stacy and had enough medical knowledge to understand what they were talking about. He was also intensely aware that to his mind and quite obviously to his physiology the gender status of this person mattered not even a little. Discovering that they were actually 19 had eased his conscience quite a bit though, he was beginning to wonder if he was one of those people who were attracted to children.

He was unaware that Stacy was sneaking quick glances at him and trying to figure out why she(he?) found his face so fascinating. She tried to memorize the planes and angles that made up the image which draw her eyes and made her pulse quicken. As she lay there with her eyes closed she suddenly had a realization. Her father had always told her she(He?) was a boy and having no real reference she had taken it at face value… after all she did have the parts boys were supposed to have.

She could no longer think of herself as a boy, as a male. She wasn’t quite sure when or how that had happened but maybe it was the fact that she finally admitted she also had all the parts girls were supposed to have. She didn’t resent her body for being both things, had no desire to change it… but within her own mind and soul she was female and she was suddenly quite clear about that. With that realization came another… That what she was feeling toward Mikhail was attraction, sexual attraction.

It was another of those things she had no personal reference point for, never having actually experienced it. She had been waiting for him to say something but he still had not spoken to her, nor her to him. With a sudden surge of determination she broke the verbal stalemate.

“I would scratch that itch for you if I could Mikhail but I’m afraid we are in the same boat on that level. The doctor said it should only be another day before we can switch to removable braces.” She waited for a response. “I would like to be able to see your face better” she paused and then forged ahead “I find it a quite attractive face.” She was sure her blushing would catch the sheets afire.

“You need to get your eyes checked.”

“Ah, finally the mystery Marine speaks! Tell me, Mikhail, if I said I saw a face that was just a bit too angular to be called classically handsome and a nose that belongs on a man half again his size, would you deny I am looking at you?”

Mikhail had to take a moment to decide whether or not he should pretend to be insulted but truth won out. “No, that is a fair description. I cannot fathom why someone as beautiful as you could consider such a face attractive though.”

“Because you have lovely lips and a kindness that shows in those astonishing eyes. Maybe I have no real idea why. Does it matter?”

“I don’t suppose it does, no. How are you dealing with… finding out about yourself?” Mikhail winced, sure he’d been rude.

“Its ok to ask. Do you mind if I call you Misha?”

“Not at all. My sister called me that when we were little. It has… very pleasant memories attached to it. In fact I think I would prefer if you called me by that name.”

“Misha, then. Its ok to ask, I have been thinking about it a lot. My father raised me to be a boy and I never thought any different until now but its like the rest of me is here now somehow. I was less than half a person and now I think I am becoming whole…”

“Do you have a preference of pronoun?”

“She/her, etc… In my mind I am and I think always have been female but I have no desire to change my body. I am apparently both, and that thought doesn’t bother me. I am afraid it will cause some difficulty in finding someone to love however.”

“If I am any guide, I do not think that will be a problem.”

Stacy didn’t reply to that and they both fell into silence.

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Sarah Masters had just finished eating and made her way back to her quarters. She took a quick shower and was just toweling her hair off while dressed in a comfortable warm robe, enjoying the time to relax for a few minutes. She poured herself a double shot of ship’s vodka and settled in to review some specs on her proposed upgrades to the weapons systems when the admittance chime from her hatch rang through the compartment.

“Enter.” She responded to it without thinking and the hatch slid aside to reveal James Bosphors standing there with a Ficus tree which had been exquisitely bonsaied and woven around itself. She motioned him inside, admiring his gift and exclaiming about the time and effort it must have taken to coax it into such beautiful simplicity. It wasn’t until she was staring at how his smile made the corners of his eyes crinkle that her gaze fell on his collar and she noticed the new insignia.

“You finally got your proper rank back! I’m so happy for you James… everyone thought it was so unfair, the way you were treated because of that worthless little piece of shit admiral’s son.”

He stared at her in surprise, still unable to bring himself to speak.

“I was only a year behind you at the Academy James. We all knew you got fucked over for saving Reynaud’s life and yet you still covered for him. We all knew why you did it and admired you for it… But no one grieved when his helmet popped open on an EVA.”

“I did.” James thought about just leaving those words out there but from the expression on Sarah’s face he felt he needed to explain. “He should never have been at the academy in the first place. Oliver was an artist, with the soul of an artist, being forced into a military mold he wasn’t suited for. He was brilliant but not in the ways that being a naval officer requires. Remember he was in sickbay for a week after that little incident?”

Sarah nodded, amazed at the depth of emotion in the large man’s voice. “It wasn’t the incident that did that, it was his father. The man beat him unmercifully for failing to live up to his own standards of absolute perfection. Came all the way down from the Octagon to do it… and it wasn’t the first time. He was absolutely miserable so it wasn’t a surprise that he decided to end it one day. I might have done the same in his shoes.”

“So I grieved for him, and felt guilty because I should have been able to help him and I couldn’t. I was his squad leader and he was my responsibility… I failed him. I understand why everyone felt the way they did but I couldn’t say anything… he’d begged me not to. Best I could do was fudge the report and make it look like the sealant collar was faulty… save a little bit of honor for him.”

James hadn’t realized he was crying until he felt a finger wipe the tear from beneath his eye. The tender gesture was followed by a surprisingly strong hug from the much smaller woman.

“I feel guilty now, that I thought of him the way I did…”

“It wasn’t anyone’s fault. His father poisoned that well long before we came through those gates. The only guilt there is his father’s for doing that to him and mine for not being able to save him.”

“I don’t think any of that guilt belongs to you James. His father was a monster. Now come sit, and tell me what you came here to talk about.” She led him over to a loveseat that barely managed to contain both of them and busied herself pouring him a drink while refreshing her own.

When she handed him the glass he just held it, looking at it like it contained the answers to the universe. It was a long moment before he was able to speak. “I’ve been dealing with this problem for the last while now. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you about the rules around fraternization and that sort of thing… but I have fallen in love with you Sarah.” She tried to speak and he hushed her.

“You know me well enough to know that I could never do anything about it… but that has changed now. The captain spoke to me a while ago, said the rules have to change… and she ordered me to come tell you this, how I feel, and that if you want to we can…”

His words were cut off as a pair of lips met his own with a gentle touch. “Stop talking James. If you’re still in that uniform in 30 seconds I’m getting a pair of scissors!”

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Jeff was, as had become his normal routine, running through the ship, trying to tire himself out enough to sleep. His mind was a whirl of thoughts, conflicting emotions. He couldn’t seem to sleep without dreaming of the girl he had helped to rescue, the girl he had learned to his immense relief was 19 rather than the… much younger.. she had looked in his brief glimpses of her. The other things, the rumors that he heard… maybe they were the reason why in his dreams she wasn’t only female, why she was more. None of it explained to him why he found those ideas so bewitching. Sure he’d had girlfriends, once or twice, even had a relationship with a woman and another man so it wasn’t like he was hung up on his sexuality or anything. He realized as he became aware of his surroundings that he was approaching sickbay and slowed, taking a few moments to slow his breathing and wipe the worst of the sweat off with a towel. Before he realized it he was standing at the entrance to the ward she was in and staring at her face. Before he could move she spoke to him.

“You are the one who went out to bring me back. Thank you. May I know your name?”

He found himself walking inside as she spoke. “Its Jeff, ma’am. I’m just glad we were able to get you back in, it was a close-run thing. How are you feeling?”

“A little less like a martini thanks to you!”

She laughed at his blank look, wincing a little at a twinge of pain from her ribs. “You know, shaken, not stirred?”

He still looked lost. “Don’t worry about it, it’s a line from some old spy movies. The hero spy guy always ordered his martinis that way. I shouldn’t have teased you like that, I’m sorry.” She looked genuinely contrite.

“You can tease me anytime you like, I don’t mind.” Jeff felt his face heat as soon as he realized what he’d said and turned on his heel, vanishing down the corridor without hearing Stacy’s soft reply.

“Wait…”

Hours later Stacy lay awake, listening to the sounds of breathing and machines around her and trying to understand her own reactions. She had found herself almost as powerfully drawn to Jeff as she had to Misha and it left her confused. She hadn’t reacted that way to the other men she had met since coming here so why these two? Why was she attracted to anyone at all? She knew they both knew about her dual nature and wondered if that was why they seemed drawn to her. Was she simply some sort of novelty or fetish to them? Would that always be what she had to deal with? Those and other questions were still running through her mind as she finally found comfort in the arms of Morpheus.

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Ted and Helen sat in her quarters sharing what had quickly become a regular time of discussion and a burgeoning friendship. In many ways he was the only one she could talk to about things because he wasn’t in her chain of command. Their agreement had made the clear distinction between military and civilian and even though he was serving in a quasi-military status as was his ship, it still left him as the only other ship’s captain around.

“I talked to Jimmy today. Hopefully he took what I said to heart and won’t leave Sarah’s quarters till morning…” She smiled over her glass at him.

“Jimmy? I take it there’s history between you and Bosphors then? Seems a bit young for you.” His tone made it clear he was teasing.

“Only a little bit. When we were younger he was almost like my little brother. I changed his diapers when he was little and hugged a cute bubbly kid goodbye when I went off to the academy. We hadn’t really had a chance to talk, just as friends… as much as that can be possible right now anyway… I hadn’t realized he’d had such a hard time of it. I didn’t even know his family was in Hale city when the war started.” A tear made its way down her cheek unnoticed.

“I hate this so much, that I have to be the one who has to be strong for everyone, that I can’t even grieve for people as dear to me as my own family was…”

“I seem to recall a little rant last night about how things have to change. You started that change today by helping someone who is dear to you. Did it compromise you as a Captain in any way? Do you think you will get less respect from either of them? Your crew would follow you into the bowels of hell itself if you simply asked them but just like you worry about them, they worry about you. It is clear to anyone who knows how to look that you are under tremendous pressure and you refuse to share any of it.”

“So now I’m a micromanager?”

“That’s not the right word and you know it Helen. You said it yourself, things have to change and the ways in which command responsibilities are shared has to be one of those changes. I’m not saying it has to be the sort of madhouse rockjack outfits can become but your crew are all stakeholders in this whole thing. Their efforts determine success or failure and they feel it as keenly as you. Just… acknowledge that more openly, interact with your crew more. I know you try but you have a tendency to wrap yourself in a little isolation bubble without even trying so people don’t approach you and it feeds the perception that you don’t want to be social.”

“I know I do that. I always have. I got into the habit of being alone at the academy and I suppose I never really learned how not to be again. That’s a part of what I meant about how things have to change. I was isolated because that’s the culture that was fostered there, each of us an island. I never thought that was the right way to run anything, much less a Navy… and now I have not just the opportunity but the obligation to fix that.”

“Not you, Madame President. Right now, you, as Captain, yes… but in the long run this is something so important to the future of human society that it should be decided upon by all of us. Once this war is over it all has to be rebuilt, an entire society, systems of self-government, all of it. We have the Mother of our new Solarian Republic or whatever we decide to call the thing but that’s it right now. Constitutional assemblies, elections, politics… all of it lies in the future.”

“That’s the key though Ted… it all lies in the future but right now I’ve got 2 of my bridge crew in a relationship and its right for them… but the old rules for navies do still have relevance. It has to be a balancing act and I have no idea where the balance lies.”

“Now you come to what I meant.” Ted grinned at her and shifted in his seat, enjoying the now fairly rare pleasure of not wearing his ersatz legs.

“Can’t you ever just say what you mean?” Helen returned his grin.

“Now what would be the fun in that? I’d be depriving myself of the pleasure of watching one of the finest minds I know pick a puzzle apart and figure out why she doesn’t have to solve it. Besides, I did say exactly what I meant, if you recall.” His grin had turned teasing.

“You are one seriously exasperating man, you know that?”

“One of my better qualities or so I’m told…”

“Just now I can think of another quality I’d prefer to take advantage of…” She leaned across to kiss him.

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Nimashet sat in her small cabin meditating upon the freight of knowledge she bore. Within her mind lay a terrible idea, one that would forever change warfare as humanity knew it. Like every advance in destructive technology before it was simply the next logical step, putting two things together to make one far more effective thing.

Hidden in the equations that made the limited artificial gravity technology available possible was the key to greatly amplifying it even though it came at a tremendous power cost. She had been preparing her paper for publication before the shadows of war began to loom over all of their lives and made such things… less important. When it became clear war was inevitable she felt justified in her decision to withhold her discovery even though she had secretly been certain someone else would follow the same apparently blind mathematical alley she had, make the same discovery.

That sense of justification had become seriously battered as she watched everything come apart while en route to another of her seemingly endless negotiations, had watched the reports of the horrific death toll and nearly lost herself in grief when she learned of the obliteration of her family in Hale City. Once she was able to be aware of anything but her loss she began to shadow the fleet which lay inert within the Saturnian system while the war raged on and ruin overtook humanity. Her carefully designed spying tools(For she was a very particular sort of diplomat) meant that she was aware of events aboard the ships, especially the “Flagship”.

What she learned sickened her on so many levels. The crews were being treated as little better than slaves, used for sexual gratification by their superiors and abused in unimaginable ways. Her patient observation had given her the determination to ensure their eventual destruction even though she quailed when she thought of the loss of innocent life that would entail. The majority of the crews were no more guilty of atrocities than she herself, possibly even less so for none of the deaths which had swept humanity nearly from existence were on their hands… their ships had never fired a shot in anger.

During that time she had taken her innocuous discovery and turned it into a monster. The energy provided by a multimegaton-yield explosion would do very little to a warship unless it was extremely close so battles in space had largely been fought with kinetic weapons and the very occasional missile that could penetrate the defensive fire created by those weapons. She created an array that could power itself from a thermonuclear explosion and generate intense fields of focused gravity, turning the bomb into a giant multidirectional Gamma ray laser(Graser). The energy transfer a ship would take from the impact of just one of those grasers should be enough to damage it, possibly severely. It still had to be fairly close, within 750,000 kilometers… but that was much more achievable than the 7,500 kilometers a simple bomb would require.

It would be enough to turn the tables, just barely. It might not ensure victory for the Hermes but it would ensure defeat for the traitors and that would have to be enough. If only her ship had a little more power available she could have used her discovery to greatly shorten the transit time to the Uranian system and thereby significantly improve the odds of something worthwhile surviving but the Universe loves irony and she had specifically chosen this ship for its low energy emissions which had required a smaller powerplant. So she meditated and worked on ways to improve on her designs so they could be put into production as quickly as possible and be as effective as she could make them. When she could no longer do either of those things she worked out, driving herself physically until exhaustion made her sleep.

Sleep was not welcome, however much she needed it. It always came with phantasms, images of Marta and their children as the bolide which destroyed Hale City stripped their flesh from their bones before their very bones crumbled and all that was left were the ghosts, begging her to tell them why she left them to die.