“What have you done?!” I screamed at the people who had put me in my distraught state.

They were both startled and then the doctor looked at me confused and he started talking. “Well… huh… we disinfected your bruises and installed your newly arrived prostheses into your leg and your arm.”

What they were talking about? Prostheses? I didn’t have one of those did I? I looked at my arm that had been damaged and I was startled by the almost futuristic sight. How didn’t I noticed that when I woke up? They had said I had one of those in my legs didn’t they? I tried to move muscles of my leg who had gone missing during the incident and by doing so I moved my sheets letting me see my new metallic appendage.

“How did you...” I was interrupted by the nurse.

“Get it here? Well as soon as we phoned your mother and told her about your incident, she ordered us to get some measures done because she was going to get one of her friends to produce you prosthetic limbs as soon as possible. You got quite lucky ma’am, it entered the country in the last commercial flight this country will get for a while. With the war there doesn’t risk to have many commercial flights coming here. ”

I was confused “War?”

“The incident you were in was the spark in the powder keg that lead to a civil war ma’am. The villagers spread the word that the government was helping enemy foreign fighters through the West and things degenerated from there. There is a civil war going on right now and as soon as we deem you fit enough e we will be sending you and your daughter back to your country.”

Here again that word daughter, I had been sidetracked and I had forgotten to ask about Céleste. What the hell had happened in the last week?

“You keep saying that Céleste is my daughter, but he is or at least was male.” I said trying to understand if my suspicions were true.

The doctor answered that question. “We took care of that problem, ma’am. When trying to identify your daughter we called your mother called who told us that she had a granddaughter named Elizabeth. We called the embassy to make sure of that and they told us that they had her as boy named Céleste. We were confused by all of this, but your mother was very insistent about the fact that she was a girl named Elizabeth, so much in fact that she got the embassy to change her records to Elizabeth Céleste Flannagan, female. She also said that she got them to send the papers to your country right away in case they screwed up again. She asked us why were so confused about the sex of a little girl and when we told her that her grandchild had both sets of genitals and that she had damaged the male ones, she told us to get rid of them because she had only heard of her as a girl.”

My head was hurting… If I had well understood my mother had confused Céleste with the girl I was supposed to adopt and thinking that she identified as a girl she proceeded to ask the embassy to change Céleste papers. Afterwards seeing that she was intersex the surgeons thought it would be a good idea to just get rid of the damaged male parts. Alicia didn’t tell me about this part of the Nameless problem. Did she even know about it? Was Céleste ok with essentially being a girl now? I had to ask the nurse and the physician.

“How did Céleste react to the removal of her… you know…” I asked blushing.

“She was surprised about it but she didn’t seem to be displeased. I would have expected her to be more excited to be a normal little girl now. But I guess she already saw herself as a normal girl just with extra-bits. ”

How was Céleste really feeling inside? Was his reaction genuine or was he simply too confused to act angry or sad? I hadn’t really had the time to talk to him and the only interaction that we had that showed him to be even a little bit feminine was when he or she told me about his or her name. Did the name mean that Céleste was a girl? That would be convenient as I had a room ready for the Little Elizabeth. I would have to change it for the boy version of Céleste because I didn’t know of many little boys who liked pink. Or would I? Perhaps the boy version of Céleste would be Ok with having a pink room? I didn’t know much about intersex kids? Would they be more Ok with androgyny? God this was confusing! I will have to have a discussion with him.

When Dr. Okiro told me that I was now a girl without the extra parts I was confused. I wasn’t supposed to be a girl. Thomas told me that me that being a girl was dangerous and that because of that I had to be a boy and fight anyone who said the contrary. Why? I don’t know, Thomas told me that I would understand one day and that I would be thankful for his sage words. I still don’t understand why he said that… and anyway being a girl didn’t feel bad. Or at least it didn’t feel that bad inside because on the outside… OUCH! Walking was hard and I honestly would prefer to just stay in my bed and try to learn how to use my arm. I have this fancy new metal arm now and it makes me feel powerful. I am not very good at using it, so I can’t do precise stuff but Mrs. Cyr-Lavallée, the nurse from my new country, told me that I would eventually learn to when I went to a ki…ki… I forgot the word, anyway, to someone who teaches you how to use your new metallic parts. Anyway, my new grandmother had sent the metal arm for me and Mrs. Cyr-Lavallée told me that I will have the chance to meet her soon because we would be flying soon after Mrs. Flannagan wakes. Flying… I have never done that before… How can those huge metallic birdy thingies do that? I really want to learn how they do that. Where was I? … Oh, yes the nurse told me that this country wasn’t safe for me or my mother and that we would be going home. Home… It was strange thinking about home… How did a home feel? I never really had a home until now… I would just follow Thomas around, because he was my family, and he would just follow whoever would give us food or a place to sleep. We never really stayed at the same place for long. In a way I felt at home wherever I was with Thomas… I miss Thomas…I really miss him… I would love to have my big brother coming home with me…
I started crying and I lied down in the hospital bed closing my eyes.

Home was going to be with Mrs. Flannagan, would she like me being a girl? Would she be afraid? Would she say that I was an abomination like in the first orphanage where I went? Would she let me here? I didn’t know what she would do, but I would have to accept it because I couldn’t really run away in the state I was in.

I didn’t really know how to feel about what my mother had done. On one hand: she had good intentions, it sounded like she had accepted Céleste, and she didn’t know any better. On another hand: she might have caused a lifetime of emotional damage to Céleste. I needed to call her to arrange some kind of help around my house because even If I had these fancy new prostheses I would still be tired for weeks and I would need re-education to deal with my new limbs. Céleste wouldn’t be able to help me in any way or form and I would need to take good care of … her? I decided to just roll with the female pronouns as it would be less confusing with dealing with my mom, who I wouldn’t talk about her mistake until I had conclusive proof that Céleste felt like a boy.

I asked the nurse if she had a phone I could use to call my mother and she brought me one. I then proceeded to phone my mother’s cellphone as she was probably overseas. I rang about three times and I was about to abandon when she answered back.

“Hello?”

“Hi, mom?”

“Oh, Mira, how are you and my new granddaughter doing?”

“Fine…” I went silent for a few seconds and then I restarted talking “Mom… I will need help at home I am not really in a state to do anything right now.”

“And whose fault is that?” She said in a slightly accusing tone.

“Huh…Mine I guess? But I still would do it, by coming here I saved a life. A child’ life. So it was worth it.”

Or at least I hoped so… This whole prosthetics things would mean that people would treat me differently than otherwise…

Mom talked back. “You still don’t know if it was worth it, you didn’t even spend half a day with your child yet, you have been in bed for the last 5 days.”

“Mom, it doesn’t matter how Celeste might act in the future, I took hi…her in and she’s hopefully going to stay with me until she is at least 18.”

“And if she’s turns out to be a terrible person what would you do then?”

Her question, as rightful as it was, made me angry, so I uttered my next sentence full of wrath.

“Céleste is not terrible, mom! If you dare imply that again, you are not invited to ever meet her.”

My mom’s side of the line went silent for a minute.

“I am sorry Mira. What I just said was out of line,” her tone implied guilt, so I just let it go.

“Anyway, mom, I need a favour.”

“You need a hand?” She said trying to lighten the mood. Her pun was slightly funny I admit it but this wasn’t a good time to joke around.

“Mom, I’m going to need someone at home to take care of the house, Céleste and I guess… me.” Saying that last part made me feel so weak and useless… I had always been independent and self-sufficient. I started working as soon as possible because I didn’t want to depend on my mother to buy me stuff. I would always try to do everything by myself because I could and still can handle anything. And even though John made enough dough for me to not need to work, I still couldn’t resist the need to make my own money. I took some loans made some clever investments and then lived lavishly from my funds and not his… I tried to do everything myself, this adoption being proof of that, and now I needed someone to take care of my household and me… Ah…Look how far I’ve fallen.

Mom answered me in an avoiding tone. “You know that your sister, your dad and I are overseas, right?”

I knew about my twin, Marie-Ève, and my dad being in India, but mom?

“Yes, I do know about Marie-Ève and dad, mom. But you? Aren’t you supposed to be at home?”

“I am in Florida for a business trip. Looking at few facilities a friend of mine as bought.”

“Ok, mom but I just need you to post a job offer online and hire someone as soon as possible. Céleste and I are getting discharged as soon as they judge us ready and we would need someone to be at the house for us.”

“Can’t you do it yourself?” She asked again trying to avoid any responsibility at all.

“Mom, I don’t have a computer nearby and even if I did I am not in the right state of mind to conduct an interview.”

My mom seemed to go silent for a while. But I could her whisper to someone.

“I have already sent a prostheses couldn’t you take care of the house with that, you usually always try to do every by yourself,” She said in a very suspicious way.

She normally hated the fact I was independent it drove her nuts normally… What was happening? I didn’t want to cause a scene, so I ignored it.

“I need re-education before using the prostheses, mom. They can do a lot but they are not fully comparable to real limbs and they don’t exactly feel the same way. Anyway, I am really tired, I bled a lot last week.”
Mom went silent again.

“Can’t you call your sister?”

She was getting on my nerves what’s so hard about what I’m asking her? I answered mom: “She is doing an excavation in India, mom. She doesn’t really have time for little old me. Dad can’t either they don’t have computers in the village where is doing is anthropological study. Anyway, what are you doing of so important that you can’t afford a few hours to lend me a hand?” I used the last bit of my sentence to remind her of the state I was in.

Before she answered I heard a man’s voice talking to her in Spanish.

The voice was deep and from the little I knew about Spanish accents, I could pin the man as Spaniard. I heard him say “Cariño, déjala, vallamos a la cama. Es grande se puede ocupar de ella misma.”
I understood cariño and cama, bed and dear. Was my mom having an affair behind my father’s back? I mean, yes, he had been gone for 6 months now but still, merde! It wasn’t a good reason.

“Who was that, mom?”

“A server, I am eating at a restaurant.”

Liar…

“Anyway, mom can you do what I asked for?”

She gave up in her avoidance. “Yes, now I have to go bye!” She closed her phone as she uttered the last word.

What was that about? Would my family split as it got a new member? I really didn’t need this. John’s death and Céleste’s were sufficient sources of sorrow and stress. Talking about Céleste I really didn’t know how I was going to discuss with … her. If the doctors were wrong and that Céleste was really a boy on the inside would he forgive me for letting this happen to him?

Mrs. Flannagan woke up two days ago and she still hasn’t come see me. Does she dislike me now that she has lost so much, now that she knows what I was? Will she be going home without me? I don’t want her to leave without me… I am dead if I stay here. Where would I go? What would I eat? There was nothing I could do…

I cried again… Like I had been going regularly since I woke up from the incident. When I dream I see them trying to kill me, so I can’t keep calm. I am scared of what is going to happen to me.

Louise, the nurse keeps telling me that everything is Ok and that Mrs. Flannagan doesn’t hate me, but I am no too sure about that. Everybody has reasons to hate me, I am pretty sure that I only hurt those who take care of me. Mrs. Flannagan got hurt, Thomas got sick and many of the people that were there to keep me safe while going back to Mrs. Flannagan hotel are dead.

Why wouldn’t everyone hate me?

I woke up two days ago and I still haven’t talked to Céleste. I am probably the lamest of mothers (mine excluded). Today, it’s the day we are going back home as well as Céleste’s birthday. I have been terrible to her, how terrible does it have to feel when the person who is supposed to be taking care of you has been purposely avoiding you?

Louise Cyr-Lavallée, our nurse, has given me a teddy bear that she had bought in NYC a few years before. She hopes that by giving it to her we might start to discuss about what had just happened. I thought it was a great idea… a really great idea… But I didn’t know if I would be able to go through it.

Louise will be our live-in nurse for a while, she wasn’t expecting to have to go home so soon and she didn’t really have anywhere to live so I asked her move in with us. She used to do physical therapy before doing nursing so that was convenient.

I haven’t really talked to her that much, but she seems trustworthy enough. Not everyone is ready to go work in a poor country for almost nothing.

Louise put me into a wheelchair. She and Mrs. Flannagan were going home and it looked like I was going with them too.

We made it out of the hospital and Louise loaded me into the car. A while later, Mrs. Flannagan is loaded in with the help of a male nurse.

She had a large box with her and she was avoiding looking at me.

I cried and she put her arms around me.

“I’m sorry, Céleste, so, so, sorry for the last two days. Louise has told me about the way you have been feeling and I want to say that I don’t hate you sweetie. I would still repeat what I did last week for you if only to make sure that you are safe. I want you to stay with me as my child and I still would want to do it even if I had to fight hordes of demons every night. I have just been so ashamed with what happened to your maleness,” Tears started going down her face.

I decided to say to truth and just live with the consequences.

“Mrs. Flannagan, its ok, I want to be a girl.”

She looked at me with tears in her eyes.

“Are you sure?”

I nodded.

“Really, really sure?”

I nodded again.

“Then I guess it is appropriate to give you this.” She gave me a box and I opened it.

There was a stuffed black and white animal in it and as well as a note that said: Sorry and Happy birthday, Céleste! From your mommy who wishes to be forgiven.

I…I…I didn’t know what to say or do. So I just uttered the first words that came into my mind “Thanks, mommy.”

She held me close to her until I fell asleep.

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