Chatting with Angels

Chapter Two ~ Never List

By Sasha Zarya Nexus

Would Bernadette be prepared for the news that Kathy had an angel visit about her friend Monty?

It was ironic that on the same morning following the angel visiting Kathy in her dream that I was engaged in making my ‘Never’ list. For me it was all the reasons not to transition fully since every time I had made a move in that direction, I had been slammed down. It started with the statement:

It would not be wise for me to transition fully because I would:

Never get my Daddy to be proud of me as his daughter.
Never be able to walk in high heels without wobbling
Never get my Momma to believe I’m not mentally ill
Never get my hair to grow out long enough for a girl’s cut and always wearing a wig.
Never get my youngest brother quit promising his favor and withdrawing it even when I met his conditions
Never be able to find a cosmetic to cover my dark beard shadow
Never get my other brother to understand that agree to disagree doesn’t work when its about identity
Never find a pretty long sleeve dress with sleeves long enough to fit me.
Never have one of my cousins reach out to me in love me even being trans.
Never be able to apply my makeup in less than 2 hours for me to be presentable.
Never have an aunt to see me presenting as a female and want to have her picture taken with me.
Never have pretty thin girly arms instead of ugly hairy muscular arms
Never have started a family of choice with new sisters on the same journey as I with only death being able to part us.
Never have my blah male perpetually slicked down hair making it appear a mousy brown dyed a bright red
Never be able to avoid being disavowed completely by my immediate birth family
Never be able to train my deep bass voice to sound like a real girl’s voice
Never have the courage to be my true self in front of my friends
Never be able to sing like a woman for my self to hear.
Never be able to go to any type of church as my true self.
Never be able to sing as a woman in a group.
Never have my ugly hairy masculine feet be pretty smooth, rounded and feminine
Never get to sing in a choir in the alto section and accepted.
Never get the muscular bulge from my shoulders and have nice rounded ones which actually might need shoulder padding to look good in a skirt suit or dress.
Never get to sing a solo performance in church as a woman.
Never get nice rounded b cup breasts to grow on a feminine chest.
Never get asked out by a man on a date
Never get a nice rounded tushy and rounded hips
Never get a heart shaped box of candy on valentines
Never get all my beard removed and get rid of the beard shadow
Never get to be the princess in make believe and have frogs turned into princes with my kiss.
Never get to be confident passing with no makeup at all with my face being like any other woman’s
Never get to fly on a airliner to a family gathering hundreds of miles from home
Never learn to relax and walk naturally as a woman with women and fit in,
Never get past being told that The One hated me to look at the bible for myself
Never once growing my hair down to shoulder length in a girl’s cut be willing to get it cut into a short girl’s cut for charity and to help a friend,
Never know from the depth of my soul that The One loves me just as I am as the child of The One.
Never be able to have friends to accept me if I always appeared as a woman with them.
Never get a man to love me and take me as his steady girlfriend.
Never have friends who could not tell by looking at me for my past and needing to reveal to them who I had lived as before.
Never have the courage to start counseling and hormones.
Never have the courage to change my name legally and successfully transition on the job.
Never complete my one year RLT and be eligible for SRS
Never have the money or insurance to complete my SRS
Wow! As I looked back over it that was quite a list. I totally realized that I had a lot listed to hold me back from trying to be my true self. But a flash of insight let me know that it was possible for me to transition if this became my “I’ll transition even if I never …” list!

Ring! Ring! Kathy picked up the call fortunately not having removed the headset yet. ”Hello! This is Kathy.” Kathy wondered who could this be? She also wondered if Monty's ears could be burning?

“Hi, It’s Monty. How are you and your computer doing today?” I hoped that my work would hold since Sarah's computer seemed to break down when she needed it the most.

“Hi Monty! We both are doing fine. I turned him on and put him thru his paces and he performed beyond my expectations. You did a wonderful job, Monty. Thanks so much for the help!” Somehow she felt a sense of peace engulf her being. God was going to give her what she needed for this.

“I'm glad everything is OK with your baby. I had the day cleared just in case I had missed something and you still had problems.” I sighed with relief that I had gotten it right.

“No problems here! I know you love spending Saturdays playing with your niece. I won't need to take you away from her, even though you know I love to have you around. Since I won't have to baby-sit, I've got some errands that I need to run.” Kathy reflected that she had a feeling that her computer would be fine for a while so she could adjust to what she needed to be to Monty. Kathy resolved to not tempt fate and ask him to upgrade anything for a while.

“Jessica, my niece, is going through a phase where her anxieties and emotions seem huge to her. I have no clue about what she's going through. I'm supportive and help her to see that even though her emotions are real that the conclusions she's drawing about them may not be.” I wondered if it had anything to do with Jessica entering puberty.

“That's exactly what she needs right now. She's lucky to have you for an uncle!” Kathy observed with amusement that there would come a time when Monti won't be clueless when she has the experience, herself.

“Well I'd better let you get to your day and me to mine. Bye, Kathy.” I went to find what my niece was doing.

“Bye, Andy.” She hung up the phone and removed the headset. Sarah thought, "I guess I had best get out on my errands before the phone rings again! She changed into a blouse and slacks and brushed out her hair. She picked up her purse and car keys. Kathy was relieved to know that she would have help dealing with the prophecy now.

I found that Jessica was eager to come visit in my room. We loved to role-play together with each of us taking on characters from our imagination. Sometimes it fit better with the situation that they were role playing if I took on a extra female character.

Jessica never seemed to mind and in fact she thought that her uncle was 'cool' that he spent so much time with her. It amused Jessica even more that I would use a feminine voice when playing a feminine character to keep her different from my other character.

Jessica was the only one in the family that I would let my guard down around. The woman within myself had been repressed so much and thoughts of revealing her were consumed with guilt. I truly believed that Monti could be kept locked away in a quiet corner of my brain never to see the light of day. Monti crept out thru the cracks but only in other ways since she would not be allowed to wear a dress even now.

I started to recall the one person in this life who brought real joy to my heart, Kathy. I saw her dark auburn hair that framed her face and tumbled in curls down to her shoulders. I saw the hint of mischievousness in her green eyes that I could lose myself within. I saw her cute turned up nose as an ornament above her mouth with the red full lips that was always smiling and giggling. Her rosy cheeks never needed makeup as did none of her face since her great beauty was such that using makeup would only diminish her natural look.

Kathy was the girl of my dreams. If I, as Monti, grew up to be like her, then it would be my dream come true. I was back again from the brink but it was a war that I was not winning. I feared what might happen in the future.

Kathy told me about how she woke the next morning with a start glancing at the clock on her nightstand to reveal that it was only 6 AM. She picked up the remote to turn on her TV and change it to the weather channel. It was Saturday morning. She marveled that such a supernatural experience could have happened in the space of a single night and there still be time for her to have received one of the best nights sleeping of her life.

Kathy dressed for the day in her traditional sweats for the cooler months for staying around the house. She brushed her fiery auburn hair full of natural curls into submission. While she knew how to be stylish when it called for it, away from work she dressed for comfort.

She was a ground breaking business woman who ascended to the pinnacle of her industry well before the old boys network had been broken. The glass ceiling was so thick that it seemed impossible to break. While it had taken her being 10 times as good as any man better, even that didn't seem to be a full use of her abilities. She balanced business and a full set of social engagements.

The only chink in her presentation came because she had to use very expensive alternatives to cosmetics due to numerous allergies. She came to prefer the fresh face look if at all possible. She was used to being a role model for numerous women. The prospect of being a role model and mentor to the one person who she thought would break her jinx of being left at the alter was a bit much to take.

Kathy told me how she wondered if she would ever get used to knowing things that most others don't know. She reflected that she's been trusted to being the holder of prophesies and also to act at the proper time concerning people close to her. She sometimes had to be careful of using her knowledge for fear of interfering in the normal course of things and worse yet causing a paradox. Fortunately her interest in Science Fiction had done much to prepare her for her tasks.

It amazed her that she had not freaked out as she should have done having been witness to such a supernatural revelation. She reasoned that the Angels had a calming influence on the person receiving the message or else the message would be lost in the enormity of it. Another lasting influence appeared to give the listener the serenity to digest the message in little pieces as they were ready, instead of being overwhelmed by everything at once.