Be careful what you wish for and always read...

 
Martin Conners was walking on the beach one day when he came across an old oil lamp, just like something out of the Arabian Nights. Martin picked it up and shook the sand off of it. It looked very old and was quite tarnished. Martin carried it home with him and decided it would look nice on his shelf. He soaked the lamp in warm soapy water to get all the dirt off than he began to polish it. As soon as he rubbed the lamp, a plume of smoke shot out of the wick hole. Martin dropped the lamp in surprise and jumped back.

A man wearing Khaki pants, leather loafers and a Ralph Lauren Polo shirt, appeared. He was wearing Oakley shades and had a nice tan.

"Greetings Oh Great One" he said. "You have freed me from the lamp and I must grant you one wish. What does your heart desire?"

Martin was sure this was a scam by one of his friends; he started looking for a video camera hidden in his apartment.

The man looked disgusted and said, "You're not looking for a camera are you? What is with you people, can't you trust your eyes? I just appeared out of a cloud of smoke and you immediately think it's some kind of a trick. Give me a break. Look, do you want your wish or not because I got people standing in line for my wishes, you know?"

Martin stopped looking and listened to the stranger, “you seem awfully impudent for a genie," Martin said.

“Number One, I am not a Genie. I am a wizard. My name is Fred. A rival wizard trapped me in this bottle. Actually I lost a bet on the Super Bowl last year and so I'm stuck in here for 3 more months. If someone finds the lamp and rubs it, and I know it’s corny, they get a wish. I don't have to be nice about it I just have to grant your wish, can we get on with it, I have a life also."

"How much of a life can you have living in the lamp", asked Martin.

"I don't live in the lamp, that's just what I have to say when I first come out, its part of the spell. I live in Burbank and I write screen plays for a living. Look I didn't ask you a lot of personal questions, I just asked you what your wish was, snap it up, let’s go okay?"

" Is there a limit to what I can wish for?"

"No, anything goes except I won't kill or help you kill anyone."

"Can you make someone fall in love with me?"

"Yes, I said anything goes, can we do this while I'm still young, please?"

"Okay, I just want to do this right, anything except killing someone huh? Okay here goes, I wish..."

"Wait, stop, I forgot to read the disclaimer", Fred said.

"Disclaimer?" asked Martin.

"Yeah, there was this lawsuit last month and part of the settlement was I would read this disclaimer before granting any future wishes. My lawyer drew it up. Here goes listen carefully:

"In consideration of your act of kindness in freeing Fred the Wizard from the lamp, you have been granted one wish. This wish may take any form except that which will or may cause death to another human being. You as the wishee are responsible for the wording of the wish. Any ambiguity in the phrasing of said wish may result in a less than satisfactory outcome of your wish. An attention to detail is cautioned as wishes may not be canceled, revoked, changed or modified in any way once the wish has been granted. Void where prohibited. Okay, got that?"

"What happened with the wish you granted that got you sued?" Martin inquired.

"A man wished to be rich beyond his wildest dreams." Fred explained, "I granted that wish and turned him into the richest person on earth. It's not my fault that person is a teenage girl. She got all upset about the sex change thing and hired a fancy attorney who sued me. The attorney found a few other people who were unhappy with the wishes I granted and the court ruled in the girl's favor."

"Wait a minute," Martin said, "a court of law actually heard a lawsuit about a wish?"

"Hey, this is California." Fred pointed out.

"So what else did the court award her?"

"Actually, nothing." Fred said, "I met the specifics of the wish as I always do, she just hadn't been specific enough. Of course, she really doesn't get control of the money until she turns 24. If she doesn't get happy with her new body by then, I may have to dodge some hit men."

"So if I don't make my wish specific enough, you aren't to blame, is that it?" asked Martin.

“I can't elaborate on the disclaimer, I can read it again if you want though." Fred offered.

"No, I think I got it, here is my wish, I want a completely new life. I want to be a woman, a young attractive woman with a normal female body, height 5' 7", weight 120, breasts 36c cups, brown hair blue eyes, pretty, not beautiful. I should be 24 years old with a college degree. I also want to be a good girl, not a prostitute. I want to be heterosexual and have the true, unconditional love of one man that I also love unconditionally. I want a full house of kids. I want to never have to worry about having food on the table, a roof over my head or clothes on my back. Can you do that?"

"Not a problem, are you ready?" asked Fred.

Martin nodded and everything went black. When Martin woke up he was in bed. He threw the covers off and jumped up. He was in a small plain room. Martin was wearing a long flannel gown that he quickly pulled off. He looked down at his new body: slim abdomen with wide hips, smooth curvy legs, and plain white panties with a flat crotch. Firm full breasts, just the right size. He looked for a mirror and found one in the small adjoining bathroom. She (for Martin was now a woman) had brown hair that just covered her ears, she had bright blue eyes and was truly a pretty woman. Martin was ecstatic. His wish had come true. He was a little puzzled by the simple room and the single bed. Maybe she would find the man she loved and be courted and then married. That would be perfect. Just then there was a knock on the door. Martin pulled her gown back on and opened the door. A nun in a full black habit was standing there.

"You must hurry Mary Kate, it is almost time. You must get dressed."

"My name is Mary Kate," she thought. "I must be getting married in a Catholic Church today, that is why I am here."

" Mary Kate" promised to hurry and closed the door. She opened the door to the closet and found not a wedding gown, as she hoped, but a nun’s habit. Then her "memory" kicked in. She was taking her final vows today to become a member of this order of nuns. It was a teaching order and she was a schoolteacher. As such, she would always have a "full house of kids". She had one "man" in her life, Jesus. As a nun she was "married" to Him. Her order took a vow of poverty so she would never worry about food or shelter or clothing, the church would provide everything. Sister Mary Kate had to admit; every condition of the wish had been met.

Fred finished the final drafts of his "Touched by an Angel" script. It was a heartwarming tale of a pretty girl who finds true happiness as a Catholic nun schoolteacher. Fred chuckled over the shock the young man who found his lamp must be suffering right now. The disclaimer hadn't spoiled Fred's fun at all. Now if he could just get that attorney to make a wish.