Hillbilly Love in the Computer Age (a translation)

by Jennifer Sue

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When I started this concept, my intent was to write the story in text messaging. Unfortunately, I don’t text so I was done before I started. The tale morphed into this.

If there are any authors out there conversant in texting, I encourage them to write a short texting story.

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June 10, 9pm

Jerry Lee, you won’t believe what I did tonight! I saved a cute girl! She was going to jump off the bridge to the road right in front of one of those big double-long trucks that run on the inter-state! She was standing on a wall dang near the middle but I ran up and grabbed her before she could jump. She was crying and struggled a bit at first but then hugged me sobbing her heart out. The dress she was wearing was ripped and bloody. Some dumb ass went and beet her up! When she was done crying, I asked her who did it to her. She said it was her stepfather! I told her to call the shariff but she wouldn’t. She said she won’t go back home eother. When she tried to get away from me I held her tight and kissed her right on the lips! It was my first kiss and I got a boner! I made sure not to let her see it. Anyway, I told her tp come home with me and she did it!

Mom was pissed off at what her step-father did to her but understood why she didn’t want the sheriff involved. Ma sent me off to my room while she helped the girl clean up. I’m writing this while they’re in the bathroom. I hope I get some time alone with that cute girl tomorrow. I’ll write yo then and tell you what happened.

Your Friend,
Jim Bob

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June 10, 10pm

Jim Bob, you are so lucky! I wish I could find a cute girl to bring home.

Hey, did you hear what happened to old man York? Somebody went and shot him dead! They think Billy Joe did it because no has seen him since then. I wouldn’t blame Billy Joe one bit on account of how old man York beat him all the time since his mom died. I think someone shot old man York and took Billy Joe because there is no way he ever got the guts to kill anyone. The sheriff has lots of people looking for Billy Joe but I don’t think they’ll ever find him.

Keep me posted on the girl you found. Do you know her name? She sounds mighty good.

Your friend,
Jerry Lee

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June 11, 9pm

Jerry Lee, I didn’t know the girls name until this afternoon but she’s real cute! She was helping mom with breakfast when I came down this morning. She was wearing one of Mary’s old dresses. She’s looking good in it, better than Mary even though she doesn’t have much up top yet. She was too embarrassed about how I saved her to even look at me. The little bit I saw of her face was black and blue from the beating she received. Mom sent me out to do my chores right after breakfast and told me not to come back until dinner. I never even found out her name!

When I came in for dinner, the girl still wouldn’t look at me. She and mom seem to be hitting it off though. I guess mom misses having Mary around since she got married. I did find out her name is Sally Jo. I reckon Mom figures I’ll try to jump Sally Jo if I had a chance. I’d do it too! Mom sent me right back outside once I finished eating. I went down to the swimming hole skinny-dipping. I sure wished Sally Jo was with me! I got back just in time for supper.

I talked to Geaorge when he dropped off the mail. He said old man York had a hole blown clear through his chest. Whoever did it must have used both barrels at the same time! He said you could put your hand clear through him!

Dad said the sheriff thinks Billy Joe did the deed because it looked like old man York had been beating him again. Lucky Billy Joe got knocked into the cornerwhere the shotgun sat and he grabbed it and shot old man York. He said there was a lot of blood from Billy Joe about the room. After dad said that, Mom and Sally Jo got real quiet.

I don’t know if you know, but Billy Joe is my 3rd cousin twice removed. We are related though mom. I bet she would have kept old man York from beating on poor Billy Joe if she were still alive.

Anyway, after we were done eating, mom told dad to take me out to show ne new chores! I was real pissed bit knew enough to keep my mouth shut.

When I asked dad what was up with mom and Sally Jo he shook his head and told me not to waste my time trying to figure out women.He said to smile and do what they say since we’re going to end up doing it after they chew us up and spit us out. He said it’s just easier doing it when they ask and avoid being chewed up. The dad showed me how to put in new fenceposts. I have to go aroundall the pastures and fix the fences. That’ll take me weeks! I’ll be out sweating all summer while Mom and Sally Jo stay in the house! It almost makes me regret saving Sally Jo. But damn she is cute!

Your sad friend,
Jerry Lee

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June 11, 10pm

Jim Bob, matbe that girl is more trouble than she’s worth. I think most girls are trouble. My mom is on me all the time to work while she and my sisters stay in the house while I’m out sweating just like you. My dad said da saam thing your dad said about women. It just ain’t fair! Men are supposed to be the ones who are the bosses. It says that right in the Good Book! When I said that to Dad he laughed. Said that’s in the bible just to keep men from getting angried.

Your friend in sweating
Jerry Lee

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June 14, 9pm

Jery Lee, sorry about not writing the last couple of days but mom’sworking my butt off! Dad isn’t any help neither because if he sides with me,then he’ll get in trouble. Most of Sally Jo’s bruises are healed and she’s looking even better. She looks familiar but I can’t place her. She keeps looking at me and giving me this cute this cute little half smile. Dang if it don’t give me a boner! She knows it too because she giggles when she sees my pants pushing out! Dang but I want to jump her bones! I might get a chance, too! Mom told us tonight at supper that Sally Jo’s going to be living with us from now on! Mom saaid she is my 3rd cousin twice removed. That means even though she’s a relative, she’s not close enough to keep us from getting married. I know we’re only 13, but we could get married once we become 14 if my mom and dad sez ok. Mmmm, just thinking about lying in bed next to Sally Jo every night makes me hornier than a bull in a heard of cows.

Your friend;
Jim Bob

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July 14, 10pm

Jim Bob, I’m starting to think you’re pulling my leg. There ain’t any girl cute enough to be wanting to marry her at our age! We have a whole bunch of wild oats to sew! We can’t allow ourselves to get tied down! Snap out of it you horndog! If you don’t, Ill come over and take her from you! You know I’m better looking than you so she’s bound to fall for me.

Did you hear anymore about Billy Joe? Bobby Ray old me he went with undertaker Martin to get old man York. He said it looked like old man York was making poor Billy Joe dress in his mom’s clothes and making him do the deed! Can you imagine that! Being made to dress like a girl so you step-dad can screw you! No wonder Billy Joe’s been so queer lately. The old bastard made him that way. I wouldn’t blame Billy Joe if he did blow that hole in him.

Your Freind
Jerry Lee

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Jun 15, 9pm

Jery Lee, you better not be coming bye to try and steal Sally Joe. If you do, I’ll blow a hole clear through you like happened to old man York! She’s My girl! I saw her first and I was the one who saved her life! She’s mine so you stay away from her! In fact, I’m not going to talk to you about her anymore!

George told me even the hounds couldn’t track down Billy Joe. They lost the scent at the bridge I found Sally Jo at. The sheriff thinks he snuck down to the inter-state and hitched a ride. Since I found Sally Jo at the same bridge the same night old man York got himself killed. The sheriff talked to her and mom to see if she saw anything that night. I was sent out to slop the hogs while they were talking so I don’t know what they said.

Your friend
Jim Bob

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June 15, 10pm
Jim Bob, you’re my best friend. I’d never try to take your gal. I was just funning you. That girl really got you by the balls and I bet they’re real Blue too? Don’t get mad, but I’ve been wonderingwhy Sally Jo was trying to jump of the bridge when you found her? If she’s so close to your house, why didn’t she just go there!

It’s real strange about Billy Joe being missing. I don’t think they even looked for him any more! I guessw they think old man York got what was coming to him. I sure do! That old bastard deserved to die!

Your friend
Jerry Lee

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June 16, 9pm

Jerry Lee, I asked dad the same thing about Sally Jo not coming right to our place. He said she’s ashamed by how her stepdad beat her and ripped her dress and that she’s afraid we might send her back to him. It was only when I stopped her that she figured out we’re good people.

I found out what the sheriff asked Sally Jo yesterday. It was about Billy Joe. She told him she saw him heading down to the inter-state. Something bigger happened though, mom got the sheriff to arrest Sally Jo’s step-dad for abusing her. He stopped by today to give Mom legal papers so that Sally Jo’s now a legal member of our family. She’ll be starting school with us in September and she’ll be in our grade.

I’ve been thinking that settling down with Sally Jo may be not a good idea after all. Don’t gety me wrong, I’d still jump her bones any chance I got, but that girl never shuts up! Yak Yak Yak all day and all night. Dad says a lot of girls are like that.

Your friend
Jim Bob

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June 16, 10pm

Jim Bob, I’m glad to see you’re wising up about Sally Jo.Your sister being older then you didn’t talk much to you, but my sisters are like Sally Jo, Yak Yak Yak! I’m glad I have to work outside becaus it gets me away them!

Your Friend
Jerry Lee

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June 17, 9pm

Jerry Lee, you’re my best friend. You have to promuse on your mom’s life to keep a secret I found out about tonight. I won’t tell you if you don’t promise.

Your Friend
Jim Bob

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June 17, 10pm

Jim Bob, I swear on my mom’s life to keep your secret. You know I’ve never told a secret to no one.

Your Friend
Jerry Lee

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June 18, 9pm

Jerry Lee, I’m going to trust you. You better never tell this secret. The other night when I told you about Sally Jo yaking so much, after I sent the e-mail to you, I snuck out my bedroom window onto the roof. Real quiet like, I snuck over to the domer windo in the bedroom Sally Jo’s using so I could peak in side while she’s undressing. I know it was naughty, but she’s just so cute I couldn’t help myself. Anyway, when I peeked in she was buck ass naked! I got the biggest boner ever! Her back was toward me and she’s got a real cute ass! But I fell off the roof when she turned around. Dang if Sally Jo didn’t have a pecker! Sally Jo is a boy! You know, one of those transsexuals!

Luckily I landed on the big lilac bush so it broke my fall. All that happened was I got scratched up. I had to climb up the old tree at the end of the house to get back in my bedroom. Today, mom was really pissed when she saw how busted up the lilac bush was but none of us knew what happened. Well, I knew but I sure wasn’t going to say anything!

All day today I’ve been looking real close at Sally Jo. Then it hit me like falling through the hole into the pit under the outhouse. I figured out why Sally Jo looks so familiar. Sure, she’s my 3rd cousin twice removed, but that’s because she’s Billy Joe! He’s been hiding right here the whole time! But Jerry Lee, you know I ain’t one of those fairy guys. I’m a real man and I like girls! See, that’s the thing, even though Sally Jo really is Billy Jo, she’s a real girl even if she got a pecker. I ain’t ashamed my first girl kiss was from her either. You’ll see when school starts. By then she’ll be so girly no one’ll ever know except you and me. She’s still gonna be my girl. If you tell anyone, I’ll do to you what she did to Old man York.

Your best friend or your worst enemy
Jim Bob