---

---

Fairy Tales and Unhappy Beginnings

Did you break me to see if I'd break
Did you wanna know what I was made of
Big mistake
'Cause there's nothing now
That you or anyone can say
So save your breath and walk away

The Magliano Home, Kirkwood, Missouri…

"It's pointless to continue...." Rick leaned against the doorway, almost blocking Adele from entering the house.

"Pointless? As long as there's love, we can try...we must try." Her words seemed to give her solace as she spoke until she saw the look on his face.

"You...don't love me?" She was more confused than hurt, but she was hurt.

"No, Adele...I don't love you. It was fun while it lasted, but you've got your own life to lead. I'm never going to be a part of that world you live in. It may be all fairytales and happy endings for you, but not for me, dear!" The word 'dear' was almost like a slap in her face.

"What were we doing all this time? I thought...you told me we'd...what happened? Were you lying all this time?"

His silence spoke volumes. She paused, trying to hold back the tears. He stepped back as if to allow her entry into her own home.

"I think it's only fair that you keep the cat." He laughed softly; a tone and a smile that at any other time might have sent her reeling just made it all that more difficult to keep from crying.

"Thank....thank you." Another exhibition of gratitude as he allowed her to keep her own pet.

"Listen...Tell you mother and your sister and your brother that I'm sorry about it, but I guess I won't be helping them repair the roof now...you know how awkward that would make everybody. Say...why don't I have my brother Danny drop by....he's out of work and I'm sure he could use the extra dough." Adele just stood there, trying to take it all in.

"Your mother can pay me when she can for the work I did, okay?" His work consisted of him and Adele's fourteen year old brother unloading the shingles from his truck that her mother paid for.

"I gotta run... you know how it is with school." He pointed to his back pack by the porch steps. She knew that he didn't have a class that evening, but why spoil the illusion of romance?

"Yes...I ....go ahead. Give me a call when you get settled?" Even then she was thinking of his well being while all he could do was think of himself. She knew that yet one more time she had made an ill-advised choice, but her ability to pick winners was limited to guessing who was going to end up in the bonus round on Wheel of Fortune.

"B_ok_n _o_ by L_r_ __bi_n!" "I'd like to live the puzzle, Pat!" She thought as he drove off. She sat down on the porch steps and dissolved into tears.
When I woke up today

I could have sworn you were the man that would never betray
I could have sworn you were my life and my dream and my faith
But in one moment you took that all away

---

The next morning…

"Hi...Mrs. Magliano?" The young man stood at the foot of the porch steps, his hat in his hand. Almost like a Rockwell print.

"Yes, I'm Giada Magliano...what do you want?" Adele stood next to her mother as she greeted the young man rudely; they both didn't recognize the face, but the 'charm' seemed to exude from the guy, just like someone else they knew.

"I'm Danny Pearson, Rick's brother." He smiled and pointed to his tool belt and back pack lying on the ground by the sidewalk.

"I've come to work on your roof." He pointed to the house, almost as if they didn't understand the connection between the tools and the hardly-begun repair.

"Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but we can't continue with the repair just now. I've run out of money and I don't have any resources to pay you." Her anger was barely disguised as she looked back at Adele. She was disappointed that Rick had failed yet again in a commitment, but she was more upset with the treatment toward her daughter.

"Oh, hell, Mrs. Magliano...Don't worry about that. I'm here to work on the roof...someone has to make this right, and I guess that falls on me." He could hardly contain his own disappointment.

"Well, yes, I suppose you'd like to fill in, but like I said, I can't pay for the repair right now." Her tone softened as she realized Danny was willing to accept responsibilty for his brother's failure, but she wasn't prepared for what he said next.

"I think I didn't make myself clear, Mrs. Magliano. I'm going to fix the roof for free. You don't have to pay me for my time." He smiled at her once again, this time more broadly than before, revealing one asymmetric dimple on his left cheek. It was almost lost in the red thin scar that reached from his chin up the side of his face to his ear.

"We Pearsons honor our debts, Ma'am. I'm sorry that Rick was so...Mom says it's sorta built into him...takes after Daddy, I suppose. Me, I think he's just friggin' selfish."

Giada shrugged suddenly with a start causing him to remark.

"Oh, gosh, I'm sorry...I didn't mean to swear." He shrugged his shoulders in response sheepishly.

"Tell your brother no thanks." Adele interrupted. "If he's any indication of how your family treats people, then we'd rather not. No need to start something that isn't going to get finished.

"I'm sorry you feel that way, Miss Magliano. And I'm really sorry for how Rick treated you. But if it won't be too much trouble, I'd like to make up for his lack. I love Rick...like a brother." He laughed softly at the remark.

"But it's not fair...to hold my family accountable like this for his failure. I really would like to make it up. Now, I'm going to go up on the roof and take a look. It shouldn't take more than a few days if I can get some help hauling the shingles up, and a bit more if I can't. But I'm going to finish this roof. So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get to work." He actually touched his hand to his St. Louis Rams ballcap as if to tip it.

"But..." Adele went to speak and Giada grabbed her daughter's wrist softly.

"Let him go ahead, honey...I think he means it...really."

She pointed to the young man, who had already brought the aluminum ladder from the side of the house, leaning it on the porch eave. Adele followed his movement as he began to climb up the ladder. He was attractive in a very plain sort of way, if you follow me, and he seemed to be all business. She watched him as he stepped onto the ladder to climb. His pants leg rode up a bit, exposing his ankle...his titanium ankle. The next step his other ankle; an ankle decorated with red blotchy spots; scars along with a thin red line that started at his Achille's Tendon and disappeared up under the pants leg.

She stepped down off the stoop and stood and watched as he climbed up onto the roof. He put his hands together, almost in applause.

"Yep...I think I can get this done really quick. I've got a tarp in my truck that we can cover the roof with during the repairs, just in case it rains, okay? Rick said you've got a younger brother that might help me? We can start tomorrow...at least I'll start tomorrow. I don't have any place I need to be until next Tuesday, so we might even get this done over the weekend." He started to climb down the ladder. His left shin bumped against the rung, which would have been painful but for the fact that it was metal on metal.

"You folks have a dumpster coming for the debris?"

"No...like I said, we ran out of money." Giada said almost apologetically.

"Okay...we can work around that. I'll be by first thing tomorrow morning...about seven or so. Would you mind making a pot of coffee?" He didn't wait for an answer but walked up the steps with his tools.

"I'll just leave these on the porch for now, okay." He walked over and stood in front of Giada and Adele, who had returned to her mother's side.

"I'm really sorry about Rick. I hope you folks can see it in your heart to let me make amends for him." He stood silently until Giada eyed his right hand that was held out slightly. She took it in hers and shook it.

"Okay, Mr. Pearson. You've got a deal."

He smiled once at Giada and then looked just past her left shoulder at Adele, who had stepped back.

"I hope I can do the Pearson family proud. Thank you for the opportunity." Danny grabbed the edge of his cap once again before walking down the steps and out to his truck across the street. A moment later he was gone.

"Nice boy....I hope his industry matches his charm, but knowing Rick, honey, I'm not going to hold my breath." Adele nodded and looked down the street as if to follow the already departed truck. Her eyes glinted with anger and hurt as she said,

"Me neither, Mom, me neither!"

---

The Magliano house, just after seven the next morning.

Their rising was greeted a mechanical whine coming from the driveway. Adele bounded down the steps and out the front porch. A tall rude looking man in a goatee and St. Louis Cardinals baseball cap stood on the porch with a clipboard in his hand.

"Can I help you?"

"Well, if this isn't the Magliano house, you could excuse me. Danny sends his regrets. He has an
appointment he can't reschedule."

"Figures...." Adele shook her head until she noticed the very large green and somewhat muddy dumpster sitting in the driveway. She turned to see the man offer the clipboard and a pen.

"I'm sorry, but we didn't order this...we told him we don't have any more money for the repair." She shook her head and the glint of anger in her eyes from the day before came back; this time more intense and mixed with just a bit of sadness. Another letdown, she thought.

"Oh...no...you just have to sign that I delivered it. It's all paid for. Danny stopped by with a check yesterday afternoon." He smiled and offered the clipboard once again. Adele took the pen in hand and noticed the "PAID" stamp in red on the invoice. She pursed her lips in confusion before signing the paper.

"You've got the dumpster for two weeks. Tell Danny I talked to the boss, and he said the extra week is on him, okay." The man tipped his ballcap in the same manner as Danny had the day before and then got into his truck and drove off.

"What's that for?" Jerry Magliano asked as he stepped off the porch and up to his sister, who was standing in the driveway.

"For the roof...the old stuff, I guess. Say...can you help out with this?"

"Yeah...I guess so...Mrs. Pinciotti isn't going to be doing lessons this week because her daughter had a baby... over in Twin Oaks." Jerry looked down at his hands, feeling a bit uneasy. It fell to him to do all the guy stuff in the home, and it bothered him.

"Rick's brother Danny is going to do the roof...he's doing it for free." Adele almost bragged about the young man's offer even though she almost wished he'd renege on his promise; another reason to feel angry at Rick and another reason to feel insecure about herself.

"Rick was a jerk...I don't know why you keep getting involved with guys like him." Jerry had a lot more insight and understanding about relationships that you'd expect a fourteen year old to display.

"You keep going back to the same place, sis. I don't know why, but you've gotta let it go. Every since you had your operation....you act like there's something wrong.

"There is something wrong."

Jerry had a way about him...something that told his mother and his sisters that it was not only okay but expected to let him help...to fall into his arms and cry without worry. Something about him that made things safe. He was tender and wise beyond his years, and Adele never failed to fall apart...in a good way...whenever he asked her about herself.

"I think Rick just knows that things....things will never be right between us. Oh, God Jerry...I really fucked up...I should never...." Adele began to sob.

"Shhh...shhhh...you're my hero....I look up to you....every single day....I don't know what I'd do without you." Jerry patted her on the back and stroked her hair. She shook in his arms.

"Come on...let's go inside and I'll put the coffee on and make you breakfast, okay? French Toast" He almost sang "french toast," causing her to laugh through the tears.

"Ohhhhokay." She breathed deeply and sighed.

"Jerry...Am I crazy?" She cried softly as they walked up the steps and into the house.

"No more than me, sis....no more than me."

And your excuses, they make me wanna scream
I could have sworn you were the man that would never never be mean
I could have sworn you were the light in the end of the dark for me
But you proved that
It's never what it seems

Rebuilding a Dream!

I don`t know what I want, so don`t ask me
Cause I`m still trying to figure it out
Don`t know what`s down this road, I`m just walking
Trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I`m not the only one
Who feels the way I do

A few minutes later...

The car pulled up and stopped in front of the dumpster. A girl got out of the passenger side and stood at the door of the car, looking frustrated.

"I'll call you later..." She staggered a bit as she made her way to the porch steps.

"Busted! Miri...where the hell have you been?" Jerry walked up to her. His big sister and he were almost identical, seeing how she was only sixteen minutes older than him.

"Jeez, Miri, have you been drinking?"

"No...Jer...fuck...I forgot my meds...Jerry...you have to help me...Mom is going to kill me!"

"No, honey...just ground you forever," the stern voice spoke quietly from the porch behind her.

"Oh, fuck." Miri looked up and saw her mother's face. She wasn't angry, but her look barely contained her sadness.

"Honey...Watch the tongue, okay?" Miri hated it when her mother 'understood;' facing wrath was so much better than seeing her mother cry over her behavior. Guilt wasn't a part of her vocabulary but remorse was slowly creeping into her heart. She put her head down for the thousandth time, hoping that would be enough to placate her mother. It wasn't.

"I want you to come in here right now and sit yourself down on the couch. I'll be in a moment." Miri ran up the steps and into the house, squeezing uncomfortably past her mother in the doorway. Giada smiled at her warmly as she past. Why couldn't she frown or glower like most mothers?

"I'm sorry, Mommy." She said as she plopped herself down on the couch.

"I know you are." Giada said as she stepped further on the porch and greeted Jerry as he came back up the steps.

"My mother told me never to have girls. Well, I got that mostly right, I thought." She tossled his hair and laughed.

"I'm so glad that you're my boy." She smiled and walked into the house. Jerry looked back out off the porch and sighed before walking into the house.

Could you tell me what more do I need
And tomorrow`s just a mystery, oh yeah
But that`s ok

---

The Pearson house, Afton, Missouri....about the same time...

"Thanks for taking care of that for me, bro," Rick said as he sat down to breakfast. His mother put some sausage and eggs in front of him.

"Got any toast, Mom?" She nodded and walked over to the counter.

"I'm not taking care of it for you, Rick, in spite of what you may believe." Danny walked over and kissed his mother on the cheek.

"Can't stay..." He laughed as he grabbed the toast out of her hands and poured some coffee into a travel mug.

"Vinnie and I just got the compressor from Ted and we're heading over to the Magliano's."

"Maybe I should make you some lunch, honey?" Julia Pearson said to her middle son.

"S'okay, Mom... I'm taking Vinnie over to Zuber's at lunchtime to pick up some sheet music, so we'll just eat something out." Danny hated fibbiing to his mother. Well, at least the 'cover story' was true.

"You owe Adele a huge apology. You should never have started it, knowing how you feel." Danny turned and swatted the back of Rick's head.

"If anything, she…and I use that term loosely...owes your brother an apology." Julia frowned and patted Rick on the back.

"What? Why, mom? Because she didn't start out...she's a great girl, and your son...my brother is an idiot."

"Don't pick on him. I don't understand why anyone would want to do that. Just doesn't make any sense. At any rate she should have told him right from the start."

"She helped him get his GED and acceptance into SLCC, Mom! And why she did what she did is her business, not mine, and certainly not Rick's after what he pulled."

"Hey…Wait a second, bro...Don't start that shit on me. She got plenty out of it as well."

"Oh…You let her give you head…How fucking kind," Danny thought, but instead said,

"Well, I guess you're the Prince of St. Louis for that…Grow up." Not an easy thing for the middle son to tell his older brother.

"Well, it still bothers me, is all. I'm sure glad my boys turned out okay." Julia shrugged and poured Rick a cup of coffee.

"If turning out okay meant a son who was as selfish as the day was long, a cripple, and a boy who was hurting inside all the time? Then we're all set, Mom," Danny thought. He kissed her once again and actually smiled a warm smile at Rick. He loved his brother; he just didn't like him all that much.

"Where's Vinnie?" Julia asked.

"I didn't expect to be this long, Mom…He's in the truck. We'll be back at dinner time, okay?" She kissed him on the cheek and patted it.

"Danny?" Rick looked up from his eggs.

"Let me....Give me a sec and I'll come over and help." He sighed and dropped his fork onto the plate.

"I've got to run a couple of errands and there's no room in the truck right now. Give me an hour and I'll come back over and get you, okay." Danny wasn't sure whether Rick felt ernestly convicted or if he just felt embarrassed in front of his mother. Danny was willing to take either at this point, since they both would likely end up leading him to the same destination: change. He smiled once more and walked out to the truck.

"Mom can't know anything about this." Vinnie looked at his brother who just nodded.

"I mean if she finds out I'll just kill myself." Danny nodded again.

"How are you going to hide the bill?"

"I don't have to...she already knows I'm going to Dr. Phillips for depression and she won't check the dates."

"Yeah, between you and her and me, we're keeping the mental health profession busy, but at least mine is covered by the US of A. Knock on titanium!" Danny laughed and banged his leg with the hammer he pulled off the dash board.

"Just be sure you change before we get back to the Magliano's, okay. They'll certainly understand, but we don't want to alarm the neighbors." He smiled and patted Vinnie on the shoulder.

"I can't tell you what this means to me, Danny." Vinnie looked at this brother before looking out the window of the truck as they pulled out of the driveway. On a Saturday morning he was happy for two things. Dr. Phillips had agreed to meet him on Saturday mornings, and Vinnie was very glad that at 7:48am, no one would notice that Danny was driving his baby....sister to therapy.

I`m alone, on my own, and that`s all I know
I`ll be strong, I`ll be wrong, oh but life goes on
I`m just a girl, trying to find a place in
This world

---

Back at the Magliano home….

“What possessed you to stay out all night, Miri? Please…I need to know what’s going on.” Giada sat on ottoman facing the couch. Adele sat next to her sister, her head propped up on her arm against the back of the couch.

“I just wanted to have some fun. Jerry gets your attention all the time…all the fucking time, Mom. It’s like he’s the golden child and we don’t count.” She pointed to Adele.

“That’s not true….” Giada said it with little conviction; she knew that Miri was at least partly correct.

“Isn’t it? Mom…I can’t help what happened to Daddy. But you can’t be everything just for him. We need you, too.” Adele shot her a look that almost said, “Speak for yourself.”

“Don’t give me that…you even more so, Sis.” She emphasized the word “sis’ which brought.

“That’s not fair…way unfair, Miri.” Adele bit her lip and looked away.

“Oh. Fuck…I didn’t mean it that way…It’s just that we’re…Mom…you don’t even know what the fuck is going on in your own home.”

“I guess that’s why we’re sitting here right now, isn’t it,” Giada said bitterly. Mario had never been much of a father to begin with; leaving almost all of the parenting to Giada except for the strap. When she became sober enough to realize what was going on things changed after Mario abandoned them.

“It’s really my fault we’re where we are. I’m sorry for everything I failed to do, but I can only make up so much ground so fast.” She looked between the two who reluctantly nodded, but Adele added.

“I know…I just miss….I know I’m not a little girl anymore, but I still need you. I didn’t stay out all night, Mom. Tiffany’s Mom invited me over for dinner and we got talking. We just lost track of time. Check the messages…I bet you’ll find one from me.” With the confusion of the morning’s events, it hadn’t occurred to her. Giada got up and walked over to the phone. After a moment she sat down, her face red, but not from embarrassment.

“I’m sorry…I should have trusted you…especially you, Miri. It hurts me that you had to go to Christina to get some Mom time. It’s just been so hard.”

“I know, Mom, but I’m not going to get younger and smaller, and neither is Jerry. He’s got some serious problems, and you’d be better off listening to him than telling him what a good boy he is.” Adele shook her head.

“But he is a good boy…He’s everything in a son that a mother could hope for.” She looked at them both with pleading eyes; what more could they expect.

“Mom….you’re not listening…It’s not that he’s not a GOOD boy…it’s that….” Miri began to cry.

“It’s not that he’s not a GOOD boy….” A voice nearly identical to Miri’s came from the stairs, which creaked at the footfalls.

“It’s that I’m a good girl.”

Giada turned to see Miri’s twin standing at the foot of the steps, dressed in a copper blouse and tan corduroy mini over brown tights.

“That you are, sis, that you are,” Adele said as Jerry burst into tears.

Got the radio on, my old blue jeans
And I`m wearing my heart on my sleeve
Feeling lucky today, got the sunshine
Could you tell me what more do I need
And tomorrow`s just a mystery, oh yeah
But that`s ok
Maybe I`m just a girl on a mission
But I`m ready to fly

Discovering Hope!

I've always been the kind of girl
That hid my face
So afraid to tell the world
What I've got to say
But I have this dream right inside of me
I'm gonna let it show
It's time to let you know
To let you know

The office of Megan Phillips, Vinnie's therapist...."

"So tell me how you're doing today...do you still want me to call you Vickie?" Megan said as she smiled at Vinnie.

"I'm....I'm not sure..." He put his head down and started to tear up.

"Remember...we're not about judging....here you can be free to be whoever you want to be."

"Oh...okay...” he put his head down again.

"How about we just talk and we can decide about the name later, okay?"

"Okay."

"Now last time we talked about your depression. How are you doing this week?"

"Umm...I...uh...."

"Remember...there's no right or wrong answer...just how you feel and think about what you believe about yourself, okay?"

"Oh...okay"

"Are you eating...has your appetite got any better?"

"Yeh...yesss?"

"Are you still throwing up?"

"Yehh...yess?"

"I need you to be honest with me....have you been trying to vomit?"

"Nuh...no...it hurts too much. It burns every time now."

"You've probably got reflux....Did you tell your mother about the vomiting."

"Nuuhh...no...not yet." Megan shook her head internally while keeping a straight accepting face. She decided to go in a different direction.

"Did your father call you again?" Vinnie nodded and put his head down.

"Is he still asking you to come live with him?"

"Yehhhyesss." He began to cry once again.

"You don't want to go live with him, do you?"

"Mom said I owe it to him...like....he's....he's my Dad you know?"

"Are you still afraid of your Dad?" Vinnie nodded slightly and turned his head.

"Mom says he's changed."

"Do you think he's changed?"

"I hope he has."

"Because your Mom thinks he has or you trust him?" Vinnie turned his head away and gasped a sob.
Megan switched gears once again.

"What did your mother say to you last week when she was upset about you forgetting to take out the trash?"

"I should have...she's got so much to do."

"What did she say?"

"She...she was upset."

"I know that...What did she say to you?"

"You....you...you're just like your father."

"The same father that beat her and you and Rick and Danny?"

"Yeeehhhhyes."

"Do you want to be like your father?" He shrugged his shoulders and moved back against the couch as if he had a chill.

"No."

"You're just like your father, aren't you?" She poked.

"No...I'm not."

"You'd rather be someone good...not like your father, right."

"Yes." He choked back a sob.

"But you can't be good because you're just like your father."

"No...stop."

"Vickie? That's your name? Because Vinnie is just like his father, right?"

"No...no...stop."

"If you're a girl you won't be anything like your Dad?" She said, switching gears.

"Girls aren't like their Dads, are they?"

"Stop."

"If you're a girl you don't have to be mean or cruel, right?" Vinnie's eyes widened.

"What?"

"Vickie can be the good girl so that Vinnie doesn't have to be just like his Dad, right?"

"Yes....yes." He began to weep.

"But you don't really want to be a girl...right?"

"I have to be...I have to...Mom...she just won't....she wants me to."

"Wants you to what?"

"Not be like Daddy...I hate him...I so fucking hate him...."

"He hurt you, Vinnie, didn't he?" She already knew, this was old ground, but like any good investigator, she knew it was good to retrace her tracks.

"Yes...." He sobbed.

"And he hurt Danny and Rick, didn't he?"

"Yes."

"And you don't want to hurt anyone."

"No...not like him...I don't want to be a boy....I hate it...I don't want to hurt my Mom...I don't want to hurt anyone. Fuck...I hate myself...please let me die...it hurts too much....I can't....I don't want to..."

"Vinnie...it's okay...you don't have to hurt anyone...you don't have to do anything you don't want to do."

"I'm so sorry...I didn't mean to be so bad. I didn't mean to hurt my mom...she's been through so much and I'm just a fuck up....I can't do anything right..." He put his head against the back of the couch and sobbed. His face clenched and he started to hyperventilate. Megan leanedover and patted him on the back. Slowly his breathing returned to normal, but he still sobbed, almost a low wail.

"It's okay, Vinnie...you did really good...you worked hard today....you're a good boy ...It's okay." She wasn't blindly endorsing anything, but Vinnie needed affirmation. The affirmation that his abusive father never gave him; returning love with cruelty and unrealistic demands. His mother blamed all of her sons for the sins of their father.

"I don't ...I don't want...I'm sorry."

"You don't want what?" She knew, but it was important for him to voice his feelings. Anything he said at this point would probably have been timely, but he needed to understand why he felt the way he did.

"I'm so so sorry." He began to sob again. She smiled at him in a way that said 'don't worry, it's
okay."

"I don't know...but I can't be a boy." He collapsed once again as his sobs took him. Megan sat back and blew out a breath before leaning over and handing Vinnie bottle of water and pointing to the box of tissues lying on the couch beside him.

A few moments later he looked up

"Does this mean I'm not a girl?" He cringed. Some of him wanted to regain some sense of the self he grew up with, but a some of him also wanted to hold onto the new part of him that was growing into Vickie.

"I can't really say. What do you think?"

"Maybe? I wish I could be what everyone wants me to be. Am I that fucked up, Megan?"

"No...you're not 'fucked up at all,' okay?"

"I wish I did better."

"It's okay, Vinnie...you did very good. I'm so proud of you."

This is real, this is me
I'm exactly where I'm suppose to be now
Gonna let the light shine on me
Now I've found who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I wanna be
This is me

---

Seventeen minutes later…

“Dan, do you have a minute?” Megan stood at the receptionist’s desk.

“Sure, Doctor. What can I do for you?” With no one in the office on a Saturday morning besides her and Vinnie and Dan, Megan felt free to talk.

“You know I can’t violate a confidence, but Vinnie gave me permission to discuss a few things with you. Has your father been calling the house again?”

“Yeah…He keeps bothering Vinnie…wants him to come live with him.”

“I’m concerned about your brother. Have you noticed him vomiting a lot at home at night?”

“Yeah…I asked my Mom about it and she said it’s probably some bug.”

“Well, I’m concerned that it’s more than that. Vinnie told me your father threatened to regain custody; and that if your brother doesn’t agree to live with him, he’ll make it very hard on your family.”

“Son of a bitch…O, jeez, Doc. Sorry. That’s my father for you…he can’t regain custody…the court ruled that Mom has legal and physical custody of Vinnie until he’s of age, and Rick and I are both legal…you know?”

“Well, I’m worried that Vinnie might have an ulcer. I’ve left several messages for you mother and she hasn’t returned my phone calls. Vinnie needs to see his family doctor at the very least, and probably needs to see a gastro doc ASAP….” Megan shook her head and stared back at the hallway where Vinnie was just exciting the restroom. He had changed into his boy clothes.

“Vinnie…could you give me and your brother just a few minutes?” Vinnie nodded and walked past them and into the waiting room.

“I’m sorry to put it this way, but your mother has been pressuring him to move in with his Dad…I won’t go into the details, but he’ll be talking to you as soon as you leave. Suffice to say that most of your brother’s emotional issues stem from the abuse you and he and your other brother went through with your Dad. Your mom is enabling him all over again, and it’s causing your brother to be physically ill. He’s compensated as best he can, but he needs more help than just counseling.”

“What can I do to help?” Danny looked over thru the pass through at Vinnie who sat reading a Manga book he’d brought.

“I’ve written a letter explaining what Vinnie and I have talked about regarding his health for your mother. I’m sorry, but if he comes in next week and your mother hasn’t set an appointment for him, I’m going to have to notify Social Services. You remember what that was like, right? Vinnie told me they helped out when your Dad and Mom were fighting all the time.”

“Yeah…they helped, but they were like velcro…hard to shake ‘em once they get into the home.”

“Yes…they are, but they have a job to do, and your mother has to see how important this is to your brother’s physical and emotional health. If she doesn’t arrange for an appointment, I want you to urge her to consider it, and explain to her the consequences if she fails. Will you do that?”

“I’d rather not, but I will. And if she doesn't, I'll call up and make the appointment myself...don't worry!”

“I’m serious. They probably won't remove him from the home since he’s already fifteen, but they will be involved in the family until he gets the help he needs. So talk to her, okay?”

“Alright….” Danny started to tear up and Megan grabbed his arm.

“Dan…it’s going to be okay…I know you’ll see to it. You still seeing Dr. Bastien over at the VA Hospital?”

“Yep…I guess issues for guys like me don’t go away too quick.” He looked absentmindedly at his image in the glass over the reception desk, paying particular attention to the scar that traversed his face.

“Vinnie says you’re doing very good…better than anyone hoped for. I’m glad for that. Say hello to Cilla for me, okay?”

“Sure, Dr. Phillips. Doctor?”

"Is my brother a girl?" Dan took in a deep breath, fearing the answer; not the specifics, but the idea that any answer to Vinnie's confusion was long in coming.

"I can't tell you what we talked about, Dan. I'm sorry. But I think Vinnie is ready to open up to you...Ask him, okay?" Megan really didn't know the answer, but it wasn't important at the moment. The boy needed his brother's help and Megan was confident that Vinnie had all the help he needed from Dan.

---

A while later in the truck on the way to the Magliano home…

“She tell you what we talked about?” Vinnie looked out the window as the scenery flew by.

“Just the part about you being upset about Dad and moving and throwing up.” Dan tried to ease the tension.

“Wanna get some lunch? We got time before we go over.”

“I’m not hungry…I feel like crap. But I’m not gonna bail on you like Rick!” (or Daddy, he thought.)

“Okay…do you want to tell me anything else?”

“Ahhhhh…no?” Vinnie said with a laugh…

“Yeah…it was rough…like when you said you talked about your buddies and when…” Vinnie looked down at the prosthetic foot that peeked out from under Danny’s pant’s leg.

“Jeez, Vin…that must have been really hard.” Danny looked over and saw tears in his brother’s eyes. He half-smiled in sympathy, making it easier for Vinnie to talk.

“It was like throwing up with words….like when it was over it felt horrible and good at the same time.”

“Been there; done that,” Danny said as he shook his head.

“I’m not sure of everything I want…but I think I’m pretty sure I do want to be a boy…at least I think

I’m sure. Am I fucked up? I mean…here I am wearing a girl’s sweater and jeans to Megan’s and it actually felt right…but I'm not sure about being a girl….Megan says it’s really about not wanting to be like Daddy…the not wanting to be a boy part. We haven’t figured out the girl thing, but she says I’m sorta ….”

“Delayed!” Danny interrupted.

“Did she talk to you about this…that’s not fair…”

“Vin..she didn't say anything..…I’m going thru the same thing. We got beat down and fucked over by Daddy’s behavior and even Mommy’s, too. My therapist says that sorta slows how we develop emotionally. So if you’re fifteen, which you are…that means emotionally you could be as young as eleven or twelve, so it sorta fits that you might be…confused or just not there yet, you know?” Danny’s laugh was comforting.

“I went through the same thing when I was your age…never told anyone but Dr. Bastien about it until now…some boys go through it…thinking about being a girl or being like a girl. And some don’t….either way, you’re okay. I mean if you wanna wear girl’s clothes…Hell, if you actually are a girl…you’re still my sib…okay?” He reached over and patted Vinnie’s wrist.

“Thanks, Dan…you always know what to say.” Vinnie smiled at him through grateful tears.

“That’s because I figured out a long time ago that if I don’t know something…someone else will, and I ask a lot of questions. One thing though….” His face grew stern.

“What?” Vinnie feared the worst.

“You missed a spot of eye shadow. There’s a pack of handi-wipes in the glove compartment. Wouldn’t want to have to answer a lot of questions your first day on the job.” Dan laughed softly as they pulled up in front of the Magliano house.

Do you know what it's like
To feel so in the dark
To dream about a life
When you're the shining star
Even though it seems like it's too far away
I have to believe in myself
It's the only way

---

Meanwhile at the Magliano home...

Adele got up and walked to the staircase where Jerry stood. She pulled him into a hug and whispered,

"I know...believe me, Jer...I understand." Jerry turned and faced her and nodded before walking over to his mother. Giada pulled him into an embrace and looked upward as if to say, "what did I do wrong?" Miri noticed her mother's expression.

"Mom...It's okay...there's nothing wrong...nobody did anything wrong." Under any other circumstances she would have been thrilled that the attention was off her for a change. Instead she smiled and spoke softly to answer the questions Giada left unasked.

"Talk with him Mom...Adele and I can get breakfast going. I'll bring you two some coffee for starters, okay?" Giada nodded and the two sat down on the couch as Adele stood up. She kissed them both and walked into the kitchen, quickly followed by Miri.

"What should I call you?" Giada asked, looking into the fairly confused face of her son.

"Mommy...I don't know...I'm so ...I just don't know what's going on." He looked down at his sister's clothes on his body and grimaced in embarrassment.

"Do you want to be a girl?" She asked slowly, hoping to hear the 'right' answer while fearing the 'wrong' one. She heard neither.

"I...I don't know. It's like some days I wish I was different...like you." He became embarassed at the word different and his face began to grow warm.

"I know...not odd but like me and Adele and Miri?" She tried to sympathize. It was hard going through Adele's transition; she felt she hadn't done enough to counter her own neglect before she got sober as well as Mario's physical abuse of the whole family.

"Was it hard with Anthony...before he became Adele?" Jerry looked in his mother's face, expecting a quick answer. She sighed and looked up at the ceiling, almost calling out for help.

"Anthony...Adele knew for a very long time she was different. She maybe had some doubts, but she was convinced...and then helped me and Dr. Cruz understand that she was a girl all along...that she just needed help, you know with the right treatment and medicine and stuff...the operation was like...I'm searching for a word." She looked back at Jerry and he smiled and said,

"Completion...I think that's the word she used..." Jerry echoed his mother's sighs.

"Yes...completion. Do you think that there' something...missing, honey?"

"Sorta...like I should be more than what I am...but sometimes this doesn't feel..."

"Right?" Giada interjected, but Jerry's train of thought wasn't derailed by the pause.

"No...not right...when I dress in Miri's clothes I always feel closer to you and Miri and Adele...like somehow I belong."

"Oh...honey...you belong...you're a part of this family...we love you."

"I know you love me, Mommy, but sometimes it feels like you and the girls don't like me very much." He looked back over his shoulder toward the kitchen door.

"And when Miri dressed me up for the first time....I asked her to...please don't be angry with her?" His eyes begged.

"When I dressed up it's like I joined a club...like the club of the Magliano Girls or something....like you and me and Miri and Adele were all special...important...like I mattered." Giada's eyes widened as tears began to flow.

"Oh honey...you've always mattered. Always...I'm so sorry." It was like the two of them stood in the surf and the undertow of guilt and shame was pulling them down beneath the water. The lifebuoy came in the form of a question, bringing focus back to how and who caused what had happened in the family.

"Mommy?" Miri said as she walked into the living room with a tray with a carafe and some mugs and a creamer.

"When will we ever be over Daddy?" A very simple question without a simple easy answer except it was something that Giada had been mulling over for some time.

"Never, honey." Miri nearly dropped the tray at her mother's quick response. Giada laughed softly.

"But we get better every day." Adele and Jerry's disappointment was mirrored by Adele, who entered the living room with a tray filled with bagels and cream cheese and some orange juice and cups.

"There's something I think I need to tell you, Mom." Jerry said almost apologetically. With a sister who struggled with self esteem as a former boy and a sister who struggled with self esteem as a twin and his own issues of self esteem, Jerry actually knew his mother would understand, even if he didn't."

"I'm pretty sure of one thing." His words may have been confident but his tone wasn't as he lowered his head; once again almost feeling that he was about to let his mother down.

"This is good and all and I feel good about it…like this is who I’m supposed to be." He shrugged his shoulders and looked over at Miri, who nodded and looked at her mother as if to say...'go ahead, tell her!"

"Yes, honey...that's good...but what else...you've got that look about you." His mother smiled and he smiled back.

"I think...I think I like boys." Jerry smiled sheepishly.

“Really?” Miri laughed and stuck her tongue out at her sib.

“Okay…I know I like boys.” Jerry started to speak in nervous defense when the doorbell rang. Forgetting his apparel he rose and quickly walked to the door, missing Miri's frantic waves of caution. He opened the door. Standing in front of him was Vinnie Pearson.

“Hi…you must be Miri? My brother is getting some stuff out of the truck. He said your brother Jerry was going to help us with the roof today. Would you go get him, please?” As Vinnie smiled at the boy, his twin slid into the doorway next to her brother, having only heard her name being mentioned.

“Hi…I’m Miri…” She stopped and stared at Vinnie who stared at Jerry as everyone realized at the same moment what had just happened.

“I’mmmm….I’mmm….” Jerry stammered, trying in vain to hold back his tears before running upstairs. Giada stood up and walked to the door followed by Adele. Vinnie looked past her up the stairwell as if to follow the fleeing boy as Danny walked up the porch steps and stopped. Seeing the blank looks on everyone’s faces, he asked,

“Did I miss something?”

“Yep…you sure did, Danny…you sure did.” Adele said with a sheepish grin.

You're the missing piece I need
The song inside of me (This is me)
You're the voice I hear inside my head
The reason that I'm singing
Now I've found who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I wanna be
This is me

Sisters!

all these waves
are crashing in on me
am I just drifting in an endless sea
the sirens call out to me
enchanting creatures sing soft melodies
am I floating away
underwater whilst I begin to sway

At the Magliano home, a few moments later...

"What just happened?" Danny asked as he watched Miri bounding up the stairs.

"It's complicated," Adele shrugged as she looked up the stairs as well.

"Did my brother say something rude? What did you say?" Danny looked at Vinnie with a frown.

"I...just asked her if she'd go get her brother. Then her sister comes along and introduces herself as Miri and she just started crying and then she ran up the stairs." Vinnie said and joined his brother and Adele looking up the stairs.

"Oh, jeez....I think ...Vin...come out to the porch with me, okay? I'm sorry for the mix-up." He smiled politely at Adele before stepping back out on the porch, pulling his brother with him.

"What's the problem? All I did was ask her where her brother was?" Vinnie held his hands apart as if to plead for forgiveness.

"Vin...that was Miri's brother. Jerry. I guess if anyone would understand it would be you, huh?" Danny smiled at Vinnie while sighing.

"Oh, God...I am so sorry. Jeez, Danny, I swear I didn't know...I couldn't tell."

It was true. At almost fifteen, Jerry and his sister Miri were very close in so many ways as twins. For fraternal brother and sister twins, they resembled each other much more than most. With the little makeup Jerry had worn, coupled with his sister's clothing, it was understandable that he would have been mistaken for Miri.

"So he's dealing with the same things I'm dealing with?" Vinnie asked as he and Danny walked off the porch. He picked up a pack of shingles and began to climb up the ladder to the porch roof.

"I honestly don't know. Rick never said anything specific. Maybe this is something he wanted private. At any rate, I don't think we can count on him to help any time soon. From what you and Adele said, he's probably really embarrassed. I'll talk with his mother for a moment and I'll join you on the roof in a few minutes, okay?" Vinnie nodded and continued up the ladder while Danny walked back up the porch steps and knocked on the door.

"Oh...it's you again." Adele smiled and opened the door wider.

"I'd like to talk with your mom, if that's okay?" Danny said, stepping inside.

"She and Miri are up with my...brother." Adele had nothing to be ashamed about, but her face began to grow warm and red.

"I'm sorry, did I do something...."

"No...It's just....you're so much different than Rick." She looked down at his prosthetic leg and something inside her diffused her embarrassment. It was as if his loss mitigated her shame.

"I...we're not your typical family." Adele opened the door all the way and gestured for Danny to enter.

"I...gathered that." Danny laughed softly while looking up the stairs again. He wanted to explain how similar their brothers were, but that wasn't his place. Vinnie might or might not speak regarding his own issues. And certainly he didn't want this family to feel more embarrassed than they already were.

"Jerry is going through some serious questioning...like....like I did." Adele put her head down, feeling ashamed once again. Her recently ended relationship with Danny's brother made her feel awkward and nervous around him.

"I know. Rick told me." Nothing in his tone indicated any emotion.

"You...you know?" That Danny knew that Adele was a transsexual and didn't seem to be repulsed came as a relief, but did nothing to reduce her embarrassment further. In fact, his seeming acceptance made her feel more uncomfortable. And she lapsed quickly into old habits. She put her hand on his arm and smiled coyly, almost flirting, causing him to pull back. He was just being modest and deferring to her. She of course took it the wrong way.

"I'm....I'm sorry I make you uncomfortable. I guess you're more like your brother than I first suspected." She turned quickly and began to walk up the stairs.

"I'll let my Mom know you want to talk to her." Her voice was cold and just a bit angry. Most guys would have been disappointed or embarrassed. Danny was neither. He walked out of the house and down the porch steps to join his brother, making a mental note to write a letter of apology to the family over his and his brother's actions, such as they were in that they hurt several feelings that day, intentioned or not.

all these lives
are crashing in on me
and everyone I used to be
is it she or she or me
the painted prism from a child's dream

---

Jerry’s bedroom, a while later...

"I'm such a fool. Why do I keep doing this, Mom?" Adele sat on the floor against the bed while her mother combed her hair. Miri lay on the bed next to Jerry. She had fallen asleep trying to comfort her brother, who lay still, exhausted after a very long cry with her mom.

"You're not a fool, honey." Giada kissed the top of her daughter's head before resuming the combing.

"If you want me, I'll be honest, honey, but I'm afraid you're not going to like what I have to say." Adele looked up at her mother and frowned but nodded as if to give her mom the go ahead.

"You and I are so much alike...much more than we ever knew, obviously." She said softly with a laugh while holding up a handful of Adele's hair as evidence.

"But it goes beyond being a woman, honey. You've inherited something I never wanted for any of you children...I am so sorry." Giada returned to combing Adele's hair, this time more nervously.

"My mom was a door mat for my dad, and I picked up on that when I started going with your dad. I could never say no to him. I never did anything for myself and I did everything he asked...everything!" Giada would cry, but not now...she needed to stay focused in order to help her child at that moment.

"He told me he loved me and that if...if I really loved him I'd...." She shook her head. Her eyes began to fill with tears.

"Nothing he ever asked for....I did whatever he wanted," she repeated, almost as if she felt a need to atone for being human.

"You came along three weeks after we got married." She shook her head, not at the birth of her first child, but at the timing.

"And it was only because my dad insisted that we got married in the first place. So when you...after your surgery, I knew...I just worried ...since I always had caved to whatever your dad wanted...all the time...you'd be....I should have said something, but I was so afraid. I hardly had stopped drinking and here my son is now my daughter and I was so guilty and ashamed for not seeing what you knew all along." She bit her lip.

"It's not your fault, Mom. Everything I've done...I'm so ashamed." She closed her eyes and her vision was assaulted by memories at worst left along to die and at best in need of healing.

"Rick...he said he loved me...he said he didn't care what I'd been. But he kept asking and asking. I thought I had nobody...no chance without him....so everything he asked...."

Adele turned and buried her face against the comforter that draped over the side of the bed. She began to weep, overwhelmed with the knowledge that she had turned out exactly like her mother. Giada slipped off the bed to the floor and held her daughter.

"It's okay...baby....it's okay...it's my fault...my fault." Giada began to weep and cried hard enough along with her daughter that she shook the bed. Miri and Jerry woke up at once and both grabbed their sister's and their mother's hands in comfort.

"I'm so sorry...please forgive me...I should have done things better. I should have left your dad long ago...I'm so sorry." There was enough guilt and shame and regret and confusion to go around for all of the family, but then forgiveness and love cover shame and guilt like a warm blanket, transforming them into life and healing. The family was turning a corner, but the greatest of change was yet to come.

all these days
are crashing in on me
from one to another
memories
moments of joy and moments of pain
at this moment they're all the same

---

Meanwhile, on the porch roof...

“What do you suppose is going on with him?” Vinnie looked back at the house roof as if he could see through it into the home below.

“You know I honestly don’t think we should talk about him, Vin.” Danny shook his head.

“Yeah...I guess you’re right. I know if he’s going through anything like what I’m going through it sucks big time!” Vinnie laughed and handed Danny the pitchfork to remove the remainder of the old roof from the porch. It was going to be a big task, and not having the extra hands than Jerry might have provided just extended the job.

“You know, if you think about it, you just might be the friend he needs at this time.”

Vinnie winced at the thought. He was struggling with his own issues; he still wasn’t even sure that he was a he, despite the breakthrough he and Megan had that morning. The thought of helping someone else was akin to handing Jerry a piece of bread out of the loaf he had just discovered when he hadn’t even eaten himself.

“Jeez, Danny...let me catch my breath, okay?” He snapped at his brother, feeling overwhelmed.

“I’m just saying that I don’t think all of this stuff happening is just a coincidence. Think about it. Like I said, if anyone would understand him, you would. Don’t feel like you have to do anything; I’m sorry I put that on you, especially after this morning.” Danny put down the pitchfork and reached over and grabbed Vinnie’s arm.

“You’re my sib, like I said. You mean more to me than anything, and I’m here for you. I’m just saying that you might be here for him...okay?” Vinnie nodded.

“Can we talk?” Vinnie nearly lost his footing on the roof, stepping on a misplaced hammer while closing his eyes. Danny grabbed him and pulled him back, sitting him down on a pile of shingles.

“What’s up...Vin...hey...” Danny noticed that Vinnie had begun to tear up.

“I feel like...I am so fucked up, Dan...What the fuck is the matter with me?”

“Whatya mean, Vin? Because of what you and Megan talked about? That you don’t know who you are?”

“Not just that, but that’s a lot of it....am I queer?” Coming from Vinnie it would have sounded disconcerting, since he was a transgendered kid with a lot of questions. What he actually meant? Was he queer like in abnormal, strange...out of the ordinary, like the word used to mean.

“Yeah...I suppose you are, but then so am I. I told you a bit...but we stopped there. When Aunt Lucy moved in with us for a while between marriages she had a bedroom in the basement...you know where the pool table is now?” Vinnie nodded.

“She kept her clothes in a wardrobe Mom set up for her...she was never home and she hardly was sober when she was. I used to sneak in and borrow stuff. You know? A bra here...a slip there. She had a minidress that fit me...I was twelve...what the hell did I know? When she moved out...she took all of her clothes, and I think that part of me went with her? Like it didn’t matter any more because I figured out that’s not who I was...but it was a part of me for nearly three years...so yeah...you’re queer...and I am too!” He laughed as his last sentence brought a slight smile to his brother’s face. Vinnie spoke.

“I don’t know...today...when I saw Miri...the real Miri...she was so....like I’ve never felt before Dan.” He put his head down in anticipation of what he was going to say.

“Let me guess. You thought about Jerry, right? And you wonder if you’re...well, jeez i don’t know what to call it...gay, straight? Jeez, Vin...What can you call yourself when you don’t know what you are? You certainly don’t know where Jerry is coming from.” Vinnie frowned and looked out off the roof to the St. Louis skyline in the distance.

“Let me clue you in.” Danny said, patting his brother’s knee.

“First...don't go rushing to label yourself; folks will do that without any help. You are who you are, Vin. And second? If I had half the support you have now when I was your age? I might have made different choices.” He slapped his prosthetic leg.

“Don’t get me wrong? I still would have joined, but I don’t think I would have been in such a hurry, because I might have been joining to be a part of something rather than get away from Daddy’s belt.”
Vinnie winced at the word ‘belt’ and began to cry.

“Hey...it’s okay. We’re going to get through this...every bit of it, and I want you to know that you can tell me anything, bro. Or sis.” He didn’t laugh at the word ‘sis,’ but instead smiled and nodded.

“I don’t know, Danny. It’s like I’ve never felt before.” And it was. At nearly fifteen, Vinnie’s confusion had blossomed, unhindered by any attraction to a single sole. His fear of his father’s wrath had nearly destroyed any self-esteem he had, and a relationship with anyone, boy or girl, had been furthest from his mind...until today.

“I’m no expert, but I know enough to know that Dr. Megan would probably tell you that figuring out who you are is the most important thing you can do at this point. You’re not even fifteen yet, so relax and enjoy the ride.” Vinnie shook his head.

“I’d like to pull over at the next rest stop, Mr. Bus Driver!” He laughed but the tears began to pour in earnest. Danny stood up and pulled his brother up into a hug.

“It’s okay, Vin...It’s going to be alright.” From anyone else, the words would have seemed hollow and vain, but the tears in Danny’s eyes gave Vinnie hope that things would indeed be alright.

all these thoughts
are crashing in on me
and does this mean my restless mind will never sleep
I toss and turn just to see
and the sea began to breathe
and I can't make out what it means
am I further from the truth I seek

“It’s getting late, and I want to catch Mom before she goes to work. Leave the stuff up here except for the tools, and we can come over after church tomorrow, okay?”

A few minutes later they were down from the roof, taking off their work gloves and tossing them into the bucket in the back of the pickup. If they knew they were being watched, both brothers might have felt even more awkward than they already did, but watched they were. Miri and Adele peeked through the curtains as the brothers got into the pickup. Miri sighed and stared at Vinnie.

“He’s cute.” She poked Adele in the ribs.

“Which one?” Adele laughed in spite of her exchange earlier with Danny. There was something very different about him, even if he was Rick’s brother.

“Both!” Miri giggled.

“But the younger brother? Do you think he likes me?” This coming after a meeting between her and Vinnie that lasted all of fourteen seconds.

“What’s not to like?” Adele turned and looked once again out the window, wondering if she could ever find a way of expressing herself....would she be able to have a real relationship that honored her as well as another?

Meanwhile, Giada stood on the porch. She stepped down after waving to Danny. He got back out of the pickup and walked up to the porch steps.

“I wanted to thank you for this opportunity, Ms. Magliano. I’m sorry that our presence today was so upsetting to your....family.” He was going to say ‘son’ but thought better of it; he didn’t have any idea of what or whom Giada’s child actually was, and he didn’t want to step on any toes. She smiled at him and spoke.

“And I wanted to thank you for your generosity and your service. And I wanted to tell you to tell your brother that he didn’t do anything wrong. Jerry’s going through a real crisis and you both caught us at the wrong time. If your brother is anything like you, I’m sure he’ll understand, okay?” Little did she know how much Vinnie would understand.

“We’ll be by tomorrow after church to work, if that’s okay with you?” Danny said as he started to back away toward the truck.

“That’ll be just fine. I’ll see if I can get Jerry to come out and help, but you’ll understand if it’s too much?”

“No, problem. We’ll see you tomorrow,” Danny said as he climbed into the truck. A few moments later they were off down the street. The girls smiled at each other and giggled briefly before closing the curtains. And looking out of the upstairs bedroom window Jerry sighed, wiping away the tears with....her sleeve.

do these these tears fall from my eyes
are they real or just the rain from the skies
all these waves
all these waves
all these waves
crashing in on me

Ummm. Would You Like
to Take a Walk?

all this terror in my life
paints a picture of my soul
and fading time
hardly noticed
hardly recognized that my sight
had gone

A while later at the Pearson home…

“Hi Mom!” Danny said as he hung his coat on the rack behind the kitchen door. She looked up and smiled, pointing at the pot on the stove with the wooden spoon in her hand.

“Just in time…Made your favorite…Chili…” She smiled again. Chili wasn’t his favorite; it was Rick’s. That it was too rich and spicey for Vinnie wasn’t even a consideration, so long as Rick got what he wanted.

“Thanks, Mom,” he said as he kissed her cheek. He walked over to the fridge and pulled out the milk and poured a glass for himself and Vinnie.

“Oh crap…whole milk.” He thought. He didn’t mind whole milk, but he had read that skim milk was better for Vinnie’s stomach. He was about to say something when Vinnie walked in.

“I pulled the cover over the truck bed.” He tossed Danny the keys to the pickup.

“Vinnie…your father called again. You really need to call him back. He’s been waiting for a decision, honey…it’s only fair you let him know…He is your father, dear.” If their mother was anything she was consistent. She continued to make excuses for their father’s abuse, which continued to enable him to believe he was a good father instead of the abuser he actually was. Vinnie turned to Danny and shrugged his shoulders before walking up the back stairs. Danny noticed that his brother had been crying.

“Mom…He’s not gonna move in with Dad. It’s not gonna happen.” Danny tried not to raise his voice, but weeks of the same insistence from his mother had been followed almost immediately by his brother’s retching in the upstairs bathroom.

“Mom…I talked to Dr. Megan today.” Danny took a sip out of his glass of milk, which reminded him of the urgency of his need to explain to his mother how serious things actually were.

“Well…I don’t understand why he has to go to a stranger to talk about the family.” Danny seethed inside; angry that his mother continued to minimize her son’s problems. He loved his mother, but still remained frustrated over her enabling and denial.

“Mom…Mommy…please…Vinnie is sick…he’s throwing up every day…” She cut him off.

“Well, there’s that bug that’s going around.”

“Mom…he gets sick when he thinks about…you know.” Danny winced, feeling his own pain of his father’s blows with the belt against the back of his legs, as if he were being beaten then and there.

“Well…my father beat my brothers…” She looked at him as if to defend her ex-husband…”after all, everyone does it...it must be right?”

“Mom…Dr. Megan thinks Vinnie has an ulcer.” He frowned and put his arms out wide.

“Now why would a boy have an ulcer? She’s a psychiatrist…what does she know?”

“Mom...she’s an MD…she thinks the stress of thinking about moving in with Daddy is what is making Vinnie sick. Mom….he beat us….Rick used to laugh at him. And then he’d run away. He slapped me around enough to put me in the hospital…And what he did to Vinnie.”

“Your father isn’t like that…I refuse to believe he did that. No, Daniel…Your brother must be…he’s…. mistaken.”

because I would rather hear a lie
than to finally see all of this eye to eye
oh its the truth
it's more than I want to know

“Mom…”

“No…Daniel…He couldn’t have… I would have known…” She looked down at the floor. His glare pierced her like a laser, but had no effect. He spoke for the first time as someone who knew Vinnie’s pain.

“Mommy…he did it to me, too.” Danny’s guilt was weighing him down like a stone around a drowning man’s neck, but his deliverer cut the stone from his neck.

“He’s right, Mom.” Both of them turned to see Rick standing in the doorway of the living room. His face was etched with pain and he looked ill.

“Daddy hurt us all, and you did nothing to stop him. Nothing.”

“No…I won’t hear of this in my own home. You’re…lying.” She yelled, but her words failed to convince even her. Danny practically sobbed as he grabbed his mother’s shoulders.

“No, Mom…not now…not ever. He’s sick and he needs to get help. I won’t let you send Vinnie over there. If I have to take him to the doctor myself, I will….Dr. Megan says she’ll call social services if you don’t get him some help.”

She raised her head and began to speak but Rick cut her off.

“Danny’s right. It stops now. Dan…I’m so sorry…I….I should have said something…I thought it was just me…but then when Vinnie started getting sick…it was like it was happening all over again.” Rick turned to the wall and punched it hard, putting a hole in the plaster. His mother grabbed his arm but he wrenched it away.

“NO! Mom…I swear to God if you send Vinnie over there I will go over and kill the fucking bastard with my bare hands. I will fucking kill him!“ He turned to Danny once again. He wanted to hold onto his rage; to remain strong and in control… the head of the house. But he realized just how much he was beginning to sound like his father.

“Dan…I…I’m so….sooorrrrieee.” He walked to the kitchen table and sat down. Putting his arms on the table he cradled his head and sobbed over and over….”Mommmy…pleasseeeee….Mommy….”

Estelle Pearson fell to the floor as if she had been shot. Rick’s voice was that of a twenty-four year old man, but she heard the voice of a nine year old boy screaming in terror while she lay in her bed; her head covered to deaden the horrific bleating of a helpless child. She knelt at Rick’s feet and grabbed his head, lifting it from his arms. Her face was etched with undeniable pain and guilt.

“Ricky…Ricky…please…please forgive me…I didn’t…I am so sorry…Ricky…Danny….” She called out to her younger son. Danny walked over and put his hand on his mother’s head and prayed a quiet prayer for his mother. And standing on the steps leading upstairs, Vinnie began to shake. A moment later he lay at the foot of the stairs, blood coming from his mouth.

“Oh, God nooo…Vinnie…kid…wake up…Rick…call 911…for God’s sake….Vinnie.” Rick jumped up and pulled out his cell. A few minutes later they heard the sound of a siren and saw the gleam of flashing lights peeking through the part in the kitchen curtains. Julia had gotten up, but remained sitting in the chair at the kitchen table, almost catatonic.

“His psych thinks he might have an ulcer…and look at my Mom…she’s in shock.” Danny had a little medical training from his time in the Marines.

“Okay, kid…we’ll take it from here,” the EMT said as she leaned over Vinnie. He was breathing but appeared unconcious. And at the table Julia continued to sit, but had begun to speak softly, almost as a chant.

“I’m so sorry.”

---

At the Magliano home a while later…

“Jer…come on…sit up, okay?” Miri didn’t wait for her brother and grabbed his arms, setting him against the headboard of his bed. What little makeup he had put on earlier had either washed away or decorated his cheeks with black stripes, almost like odd camoflage. He sniffled once as she spoke.

“Hey…It’s gonna be alright…I promise…you know…twins forever, right?” He nodded his head weakly before raising his arm to wipe his face.

“Hey…none of that. Here...let me. She pulled the sweater off of him and rested his head back on the pillow against the headboard. Rising quickly, she ran into the bathroom and grabbed a wash cloth and hand towel and hand mirror off the shelf over the toilet.

“Here…wash yourself off. I’ll be right back.” She raced out of the room and was back in a few minutes, her hands filled with cosmetics.

“Now…let me do this right…” He raised his hands weakly in protest but she smiled.

“Listen…I know this is hard for you. I think you and I need to figure out just what it is that you need. Right now you’re like standing on the dock and the boat is drifting, Jer. Ya gotta get in the boat or stay on the dock, kay?” She laughed softly at her words, feeling as clever as they sounded. A few moments in her care and he was done. She picked up the mirror off his lap and held it before him.

“Pretty good, huh?” She laughed softly and turned the mirror to her own face and gazed a moment at her reflection.

“Well…we’re not identical, but no one would mistake us for anything but sisters!” She turned the mirror back to Jerry who stared wide eyed at his reflection. The difference between his boy self and ‘girl’ self was…unremarkable. It really wasn’t much of a transformation. Not because he didn’t look like a girl…he did…just not the glamour girl or cheerleader type you might read about in one of ‘those’ stories. He did look just like his sister, who was pretty in an athletic sense like Mia Hamm or Misty May Traynor.

Jerry turned away from the mirror, almost to see if the image would still be there at the return of his gaze. He turned back to the mirror and put his hand to his face. His eyes began to tear and he shook his head.

oh where are these
days going I can't say
but I have to stay

“Listen…It’s just you and me and Adele and Mom…you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. This is just a way of seeing yourself differently. You don’t have to stay this way or change, Jer.” She leaned forward on the bed and kissed Jerry’s cheek before pulling him into a hug. Her own eyes were filled with tears.

“You have looked as sad as I can ever remember lately. I don’t know what else to do to show you I care, but I do. You’re my brother…or sister…or brother…ya know? I mean Jer…what the fuck…we’ve never been normal…not with the way things went when Mommy was drinking all the time and Tony…. sorry… when Adele was taking care of us”

“I don’t know who I am anymore. I mean…I told you and Mommy that I like boys…am I supposed to like girls? Am I even a boy? What am I supposed to do…when they were here…When I ran away?” Miri nodded her head in encouragement as Jerry continued.

“I wanted to crawl into a hole and die, Mir….but part of me…wanted to stay. I’m so fucked up, sis. I don’t know what the fuck I am.” He looked away, embarrassed.

“You…liked him….right?” Miri thought of her own attraction to Vinnie and laughed to herself. She laughed to herself.

“What’s so funny?” Jerry say, almost indignant.

“O, Jeez Jer…lighten up…” She started to giggle. Jerry tilted his head in puzzlement.

“Jer…Remember when me and Violet Rubio stopped bein’ friends back in eighth grade?” He tilted his head again, straining to recall what his sister meant.

“We both had a crush on David Goldberg…the kid in the next neighborhood who used to skateboard over here?” He nodded, remembering the red-haired kid from two blocks over.

“We fought over him for a week or so and then figured out we were much more important to each other than any boy ever would be? Ya know?” Jerry didn’t know.

“Well…” She started to laugh once again.

“I never thought that my next biggest rival for a boy would be my own….sister.” She poked him in the ribs and put her hand to her head as if to flirt. She expected Jerry to feel odd, but he went further and burst into tears.

“Jerry…it’s okay…I mean it…If you like him…that’s cool…that’s way cool, ya know?” She hugged him and smiled and then put her head on his shoulder and squeezed. He couldn’t see the tears streaming down her cheeks. It wasn’t easy to give up on a boy she had just met and fallen for, but if anyone was worth losing a boy over, it was Jerry.

“Now…uummm would you like to take a walk? Just outside and just down to the corner and back. If anyone stops us and you feel bad I can just say you lost a bet with me over the Rams game last Sunday…okay? But Jerry…if someone stops us or we run into someone and you don’t feel uncomfortable? That’s way cool, okay?”

He nodded reluctantly. Part of him wanted to pull all of Miri’s clothes off and hide in the bathroom, but a little bit…maybe a big bit of him wanted to go outside where he would be free.

“Okay…sis.” He said softly as he climbed off the bed.

“Okay,” Miri said in return. She grabbed his hand and kissed his cheek.

“For luck!” She said and they both smiled at each other and laughed softly as they headed out.

there's no other place for now
whether I am here or I'm down in doubt
cause no one knows my name
they can hardly see my face
no one can hear me when I sing
friend and foe
together, forever we'll be
friend and foe
the place that drags me down will be
friend and foe and when I look up in the sky
and when I look up in the sky
the birds they know, ooh
spread your wings
now you know
I can hear you sing, ooh
It's Okay...Really!
bells i heard so
long ago seem
crystal hymns and songs I've never known
where ivy grows and stone gives way
a locket lost and a love that faded away
the broken hearts are soon to mend and
every scar of streets and where I've been

St. Luke’s Urgent Care Center ER Waiting Area, Kirkwood, Missouri…

like the sweetest nectar
the softest breeze
my heart it melts with all the beauty it sees
and highway diamonds lead to empty skies
our fears dissolve in every silent car ride

A tall blond woman of about forty-five or so approached Julia, who sat in the center section of chairs in the ER waiting area. Rick sat next to her, but Danny was over by the vending area pacing nervously.

"Mrs. Pearson? Hi, I'm Dr. Lundquist. Your son is out of surgery and in recovery. He's still under the anesthetic, so you won't be able to see him until we get him upstairs. He's had a really bumpy ride, Ma'am.' She glanced quickly at Rick before returning her focus on Julia.

"Whaaa....what happened?' She looked up into Dr. Lundquist's eyes, which seemed to sparkle.

"He's got a gastric ulcer and several small ulcers in his esophagus. The bleeding came mostly from his stomach. We were able to stop the bleeding and repair the damage, but frankly I'm surprised he lasted this long without any medical attention." Julia winced at the last sentence. Rick squeezed her hand. There was plenty of guilt to go around for everybody, even if her denial had fueled the family's inaction.

"We did an exam, Ma'am, and I...." She stopped speaking, noticing that Julia seemed to be overwhelmed by the information.

"Go ahead....in fact, can you step over by the vending area and speak to my brother. I'll stay with my mom. I'm her oldest son and Danny there is the middle son." She nodded and walked over to Danny and touched him softy on the arm.

"I'm Dr. Lundquist, Mr. Pearson." Danny turned and smiled, but it was obvious he had been crying.

"I was just telling your family that your brother is going to be alright. I need to discuss this, and your mother is okay with me talking with you about it. Your brother had more than just the ulcers we found when we examined him. I'm sorry to bring up such a delicate subject at this time, but you need to know." Her expression seemed to ask for permission to continue. Danny spoke.

"You...you found...he's been....hurt." Danny couldn't bring himself to talk about the abuse, but Dr. Lundquist picked up on his anxiety.

"Both physical and sexual....I'm sorry." She frowned and looked over at Julia, who was crying into Rick's sleeve.

"I wouldn't bring it up at this point except for that he's a minor, and we've got to report this.

"There's ....." Danny whispered the remainder of his question, causing Dr. Lundquist to tilt her head.

"Yes...how did you...do you know what...." She looked at him, wanting to be kind and understanding, but she needed answers. Danny looked over at his family and used his eyes as an indicator before looking down at himself and nodding.

"You and your other brother?" She asked softly, but her face was starting to turn color. Danny nodded once again while tears streamed down his face. Dr. Lundquist looked at him and only just then did she notice the prosthetic leg. She shook her head.

"Mr. Pearson, I'm going to have to report this to social services. Do you know who did this to your brother?" She asked only as a formality; it was highly likely that whoever had molested Vinnie had abused the other two brothers. Danny nodded, and his face twisted ever so slightly.

"Someone will likely be over to interview you and your family this evening. I am so sorry you and your family have had to go through this. I'd like to see your brother in my office for a follow-up unless insurance considerations dictate otherwise, okay. Mr. Pearson???" Danny stood and stared blankly for a moment before responding.

"Yes...a follow-up...I'll make sure that takes place. When can we see Vinnie?"

"He's in recovery, and then he'll be taken to CC for at least 24 hours. When he's settled in you'll be able to see him. I'll talk to the charge nurse about letting someone stay with him. Mr.Pearson?”
She put her hand on his wrist.

“I’m sorry to bring this up…does your brother confide in you? I gathered from your reaction that you and he are close.” She looked over at Rick and Julia before continuing.

“Has he said anything recently to you about…the abuse?” She breathed out a sigh.

“No…not really…he goes to a therapist, Dr. Megan Phillips…she was concerned about the ulcer, you know? But she didn’t say anything about the other thing.”

“I’ll get her name on the release of information form…Mr. Pearson?” She shook her head. Danny’s eyes widened in concern.

“What…what’s wrong?” Danny knew the answer to the question even before the words left his mouth.
“I’m sorry to say that the physical evidence seems to point to recent activity…someone is abusing your brother…I am so sorry.” She frowned and shook her head. Danny shrugged his shoulders as if to say 'these things happen,' even though they both knew that was not true. He nodded.

"Thank you for saving my brother." Danny smiled and wiped the tears from his eyes with his hand. He noticed that Dr. Lundquist was staring at his prosthetic leg.

"A...Afghanistan...IED...3rd Marines..." He was almost embarrassed until she took the clipboard she was holding and hit her left leg, which sounded with a decidedly plastic-like thud.

"Iraq...first Gulf war...grenade in med tent...7th Marines...." She smiled with that kind of smile that only folks can smile if they've been through the same thing...known the same loss or pain; a too sad commonality. She grabbed his arm.

"Mr. Pearson...you are going to get through this...you will bring your family through this, right?" She smiled and added,

"Booyah, Marine.....Semper Fi!"

"Semper Fi,” he said with more energy than he had displayed all evening. He smiled and swallowed hard, wondering how he would keep the latest information from Rick.

where wonder holds are turned so tight
hearts ablaze our only ray of light

---

The Magliano’s neighborhood….about the same time…

Two girls stood at the end of the block, facing back toward their house. The older wore a charcoal grey hoodie over blue jeans and black low-heeled boots. He sister wore nearly an identical outfit, save for the black hoodie with the gold "Mizzou" emblazoned across the front. Both girls wore knit green wool berets, and their makeup was minimal, age-appropriate for two nearly-fifteen year old twins.

"See...that wasn't so bad, was it? Miri laughed softly. It had cooled a bit and nobody was on the street at dinnertime anyway. Jerry laughed nervously.

"So far...so...." He shook his head and stopped suddenly, noticing a figure approaching them from across the street.

"Hey...Miri...wait up." Violet Rubio yelled as she dodged a slow moving mini-van that had just pulled up to the crosswalk.

"Oh...damn...Don't say anything, I'll do all the talking." Miri said with a wave of her hand to Violet.

"You don't have to tell me," Jerry said, pulling his hood over his head.

"Hey, girl." She waved as she reached the sidewalk. Miri tried to play it low key.

"Hi Vi!"

"Hey...your mom said you were out walking. I need the assignment for Chem on Tuesday. Oh, hey Jerry...nice makeup." She didn't mock or laugh; her voice sounded way too sincere for Miri.

"What...her...no, this isn't Jerry...this is my cousin....Marie."

"Oh, jeez, Mir...that's so fucking lame...." She laughed and walked up to Jerry, pulling his hood back off his head.

"See...what did I say...Jerry...relax....you look just fine." She leaned close and kissed him on the cheek, half-whispering,

"If I weren't going with Monica Forte I'd snap you up myself. Hey...this is the 21st century, right?" She hugged him quick before turning back to Miri.

"Like I said...I need the Chem homework...call me later, kay?" Miri stood silent until Violet spoke again.

"Listen...if I didn't know your family, I would never have guessed, you know? I won't say a word, Mir...Promise!" She hugged Miri and kissed her once before running off across the street and down the block.

"Sacred Feces, Jer!" Miri said, trying to be glib, but the shocked look on her own face mirrored the startled fear etched across Jerry's face.

"I want to go home now." Jerry said quietly as Miri looked down the street following Violet's path with her eyes. Nearly a minute passed before Jerry spoke again, much louder this time.

"Miri....I want to go home...NOW!" Miri turned to watch her brother walk quickly back up the block toward their house.

"Oh...okay." Miri said weakly before shoving her hand in her hoodie pockets as she walked slowly back to the house. One last glance down the block to see Violet turning the corner to run to her own
home followed by a look at her brother walking up the steps of their porch.

"Holy Shit!"

---

Violet Rubio’s home...a few minutes later...

“Did you catch up with Miri?” Violet turned and nodded.

“She was out walking with her brother. She thinks I just want the Chem assignment.” Violet laughed softly.

“Well, it’s mostly right...we are wondering about chemistry, for sure.” Violet looked over at her sister Cindy and smiled.

the time of my life
the time of my life
the time of my life
the time of my life
let it all begin again

Reckonings!

the story's always better than the truth
so tell me what you wanna see
and i'll give it back to you

Violet Rubio’s home...a few minutes later...

“Did you catch up with Miri?” Violet turned and nodded.

“She was out walking with her brother. She thinks I just want the Chem assignment.” Violet laughed softly.

“Well, it’s mostly right...we are wondering about chemistry, for sure.” Violet looked over at her sister Cindy and smiled.

---

The Magliano home...late Saturday evening...

“You guys okay?” Adele looked into Miri’s room. Miri sat on the bed and Jerry sat on the floor, much like Adele had done that morning with their Mom. Jerry had been crying...again. His male persona was taking the proverbial beating. Miri looked up and shook her head no. Adele walked over and sat down on the floor next to Jerry.

“Hey, sweets...what’s goin’ on?” She leaned closer and grabbed his hand. “Nice eye shadow, by the way!’

“Don’t start, Del...This is too fucking hard...what did I do to deserve this?” He winced as he recalled just who was sitting next to him.

“Oh...I don’t know...maybe you’re getting psychic hand-me-downs from me, bro. I was younger than you when my struggles started. And I knew for sure that this is who I was. Anthony was the illusion and Adele was the real deal, hon. I can’t imagine what you’re going through.” She grabbed Jerry’s arm.

“I don’t even know who I am. Did you wonder about who you were supposed to be with?” Jerry shook his head and his gesture was literally mirrored by Miri as Adele noticed the dual doubt reflected in Miri’s dresser mirror.

“There’s no ‘supposed to,’ Jer...you are who you are and you’ll find you like who you like. I’m still not sure at times what I’m looking for. I think you might feel better if you settle who you are first, you know?” Jerry shrugged his shoulders.

“One thing is for certain from where I sit. You’re not all boy, I don’t think. But how much of a girl you are? What do you think, Mir?” Adele looked up at Miri who picked up where Adele left off.

“Del’s right. You gotta figure out who you are. You ever get to talk with Ms. Kalicos?”

“She was out sick last week...I got an appointment at lunchtime on Monday. God this hurts. Del...did it hurt this much when you were deciding?” Adele paused a moment before answering.

“It wasn’t so much deciding as figuring me out, you know? I was already a girl in my heart; my mind just hadn’t put two and two together.” She waited for Jerry to reply, but he just shook his head.

“Don’t worry, honey...you’ve got some time. You’re not even fifteen yet. We’ll get through this.” She said and Miri’s reflection in the mirror showed Jerry he had both sisters’ support. She knew she had her Mom’s love and support. The only person not on board was Jerry himself.

but if you tell me that you want me to be
- around, i think i'll stay
but if you bind me, i can promise
i will run with the light of day

---

In the middle of the night, St. Luke’s Medical Center Critical Care Unit...

"So what did the doctor say? I bet they...son of a bitch Danny...I'm so sorry..." Rick put his hand to his face.

"I should have said something... You and Vinnie...if I'd said something?" Danny grabbed Rick's hand softly and pulled it away from his face. Rick had never really cried for his own pain after he left his childhood behind. His defenses rarely let himself in, much less anyone else.

"Rick...we need to talk." He turned around and looked down the long hallway. Julia was lying quietly on the couch in the floor waiting room. He blew out a sigh before taking a long ponderous breath, wondering how he could tell Rick about the news.

"I mean...shit...I should have stopped him...Vinnie didn't have a cha....you didn't have a chance." Rick leaned back against the hallway wall, scraping his shoulder against the metal frame of an oil painting.

"Rick....when was the last time Vinnie was over there? Do you remember?" Danny was trying to piece together a timeline. Danny looked back down the hall, fearing his mother's awakening after a long evening. At two in the morning they were all exhausted. Danny planned on driving his mother back home as soon as she woke up, but didn't want to disturb her. Rick shook his head.

"Last year sometime?" He turned away and coughed, trying without much success to convince Danny he was still 'stoic Rick.'

"Listen...it's not your fault...If it's your fault then it's mine as well, and I'm not accepting any blame for what that bastard did. And is that all he did? We didn't know...I didn't know he hurt you until you told Mom about it this afternoon. Vinnie only just started talking to Dr. Megan...I don't know what they discussed about this, but if she even suspected it was Daddy, she would have turned him in...she has to. So none of us knew that he was hurting the others. That's the way the bastard wanted it...that's how it works. If anything, I should have said something this spring when I started dealing with it with my doc."

He grabbed Rick's hand again, but Rick pulled it away. His eyes seemed to flash and grow dim at the same time.

"That settles it...I'm going to go kill the fucker....I'm gonna..." Rick started to walk away and Danny did the only thing he could to stop him; he stuck out his leg, causing Rick to trip and bang into the wall. Before Rick could get up Danny was on him, pinning his arms between the wall and floor.

"No...you're not. We are going to talk to the social worker when she comes over at seven... You and I are going to get Mom home. Mrs. Bronstein said she'd keep an eye on her until we get home. We're going to go home...take a nap...get up...clean up...and come back here."
Rick struggled to get up but Danny leaned on him.

"He's gotten away with too much already, Rick...You're not gonna give him your future! Understand?” Danny's tone was as angry as he'd ever shown, but he wasn't angry with Rick at all. Any more resistance and Danny thought he'd have to clock his brother with his prosthetic; whatever it would take to keep everyone safe.

"You don't understand...I should have done something...I have to do something. Dan...you just don’t know! When I was thirteen? Vinnie was almost three.” Rick buried his face in his brother’s sleeve.”

“Fuck...Rick...no!” Danny cried, trying to push his brother away, but he didn’t have the heart.

“No....I didn’t..but I thought about it. Mom left me alone with him to go shopping. I don’t know where you were...but I fucking thought about it....I’m so fucked up, Dan...why would i want to do that. Daddy had stopped by then...with me...I thought i was the only one. I swear to God i never touched him, but I’m just like Daddy... I don’t care about anybody but me...”

“No Rick...you’re not just like Daddy. Cause you didn’t hurt anybody...you may have a fucking temper, but then I’m in the same fucking boat as you, right?” He uncharacteristically punched the wall. Rick started to shake.

“We gotta stop him, Danny...He can’t get away with it anymore.”
Rick's weeping began to sound almost like a seven-year old who was told he couldn't go to Disneyworld. He collapsed in his brother's arms and sobbed. And for the first time in his life, even if his anger was still nearly out of control, his sadness was not for himself, but for his brothers and even his mother.

"You have to help me, Rick...I need you to help me with this. We're going to talk to the right people and see that he goes away and never gets out..." Danny was calm and control. His grief over the devastation his father had wrought was nearly overwhelming, but he'd cry after it was all over.

and i'm telling you i don't want me to be
the worst of what i am
and i'm telling you that i'm trying to be
a golden man

---

Mid morning at the Magliano home....
Giada put the phone down and called out.

"Kids...can you come here for a sec?" A moment later Miri and Jerry walked down the stairs as Adele came in from the kitchen.

"What's up?" Miri said. Jerry was still self-conscious from the previous day's drama and winced, expecting something ...anything that would condemn him.

"Jerry? What's wrong?" Giada asked. He shook his head 'no' and she spoke again.

"That was Danny Pearson. His brother went into the hospital last night...he's doing better but he'll be in for a few days...bleeding ulcers." She shook her head, wondering like any other parent would about what would give a fifteen year old boy an ulcer. She looked over at Jerry and realized she was looking at a child with enough inner struggle to produce acid by the gallon.

"I think we should go see him," Miri said as she turned around and stared at her brother.

"We can stop by after school tomorrow; the bus goes right by the hospital...St. Luke's, right?" Giada nodded and Miri continued.

"Maybe Adele can pick us up after she gets off work? So we'll still be home early, okay?"

Adele normally wouldn't like being volunteered, but she didn't mind stopping by the hospital on the off chance Danny might be there. She still felt awkward and insulted by his behavior, but she had hoped it was just a glitch in an otherwise nice personality.

"I'll pick them up about five - five thirty. I don't mind." She turned and expressed her only control over the situation and stuck her tongue out at Miri. Jerry laughed, but his heart wasn't in it.

"I'd rather not go, if it's all the same to you." He looked over at Miri, his eyes practically pleading for a pass.

"I can't just go alone...I hardly know him. If we both go it will be nice and won't make him uncomfortable."

"Not uncomfortable? The last time he saw me he thought I was you!"

Jerry shuddered, fearing the reunion at the hospital more than anything he had experienced. He didn't know how he felt about Vinnie. He didn't know how he felt about himself. He didn't even know what he felt about himself; was he a boy? A girl... A freak? He began to cry. Adele walked over and pulled her brother to herself in a hug.

“You’re going to be alright. I promise. Tell you what. I’ll get off tomorrow and we can all visit him together. If I think things are getting too much for you or if Miri sees that? We’ll just say we have to get home for dinner and leave. But you have this chance that I never had...I’m not complaining, but if I had half the understanding and support you have? Think of it this way. He already knows you have issues; a secret revealed loses its power over you.” Adele squeezed his arm

“Besides...He’s probably so zonked with pain killers he’ll probably think you’re Miley Cyrus.” Miri tossled his hair before kissing him.

Adele thought again of how Danny might be at the hospital when they arrived. Her fear of repeating the past was being overtaken by her fear of being alone, and she had already started to think about what she would wear. But it would be what Danny decided to wear that would break the tie between risky, guilt-driven behavior and an honest relationship at last.

shoot the lights out, and you'll see
shoot the lights out, it's just me
shoot the lights out, shoot the lights out

Who Am I?

the story's always better than the truth
so tell me what you wanna see
and i'll give it back to you

The Magliano neighborhood, Monday morning...

"Do you think she'll mind?" Cindy asked Vi as they walked to the bus stop.

"I sure hope not; she's my best friend ever, Cin." Violet said as she spit out her gum onto the Parker's front lawn.

"I'm really scared, Vi...this is the craziest thing I've ever done. Well, apart from pantsing Gina Conforti in second grade. And she got over it enough to be my best friend. But this is really..."

"Crazy? Yeah, but what's the worst that could happen? That she won't like you? She doesn’t like you now...well...she doesn’t dislike you either, so either way?" Violet shook her head and stopped.

"I could ask a couple more kids? Would that help?" Violet smile until her sister glared at her.

"Yeah...so if she says no there will be more people to stare at me when I start cryin'? No...I don't think so. Let’s just leave it the way it is. Either she comes over or not, but I don't want an audience when I fucking fall apart." Cindy pouted and then started to cry.

"Gee, for a big sis, you sure are such a big baby!" Violet said, but her tone was playful and her hug belied any mean intent.

"I guess you can't help who you get a crush on, right?" She patted Cindy on the back.

"If this is what it's like in ninth grade, then I don't want any part of it." She laughed softly and rubbed Cindy's back.

"I swear, Vi...if this doesn’t work, I'm gonna join a fucking monastery." Cindy said quickly until she saw Violet start to smile. Violet started to laugh and Cindy began to turn red.

"What's so funny, Vi. This isn't funny." She pouted until Violet stopped laughing long enough to say,

"Monasteries are for guys, stoooopid." She teased.

"Well, that'll work too, since I don't seem to be having any success with girls.

"Yeah..." she replied and then shook her head.

"Cindy...it's gonna be okay!"

"I wish!" Cindy said before turning around and running back toward their house.

So when I make big mistake
When I fall flat on my face
I know I'll be alright
Should my tender heart be broken
I will cry those teardrops knowin'
I will be just fine
'Cause nothin' changes who I am

"Oh shit." Violet said as she saw her sister run up the front steps and into their home. She turned and saw a familiar figure walking in front of her toward the bus stop.

"Hey...Mags...Miri...wait up," Violet yelled down the street. She ran up to the girl and turned her around quickly with a yank of her shoulder, only to find that it wasn't Miri, but Jerry that stood in front of her.

"Oh, shit, Jer...sorry. With your hoodie up from the back you walk just like your sister."

"Thanks for the complement," Jerry said sarcastically.

"Oh, shit, Jer...I'm sorry. Hey...the other day...when you and Miri were out? I promise I won't say a thing. Our secret." She smiled and Jerry relaxed.

"It's no problem..." He turned and looked away.

"Lissen..... Miri is my best friend...I wouldn't do anything to hurt her or you or your family. You've been like a second family to me...I just wish I had a mom like yours." Violet and her sister were being raised by their dad; their mother had died when they were in fourth grade.

"My mom is sorta special, isn't she...yeah? I know you wouldn't...It's just...."

"You sorta like wearin' Miri's clothes?" Violet's face twisted a bit, and Jerry took it the wrong way.

"Forget I said anything...just forget it." He turned to walk away, but Violet grabbed his hood and yanked.

"Hey...I'm sorry..." She said as his books spilled onto the ground. He picked them up and stood red-faced in front of her.

"I'm not sayin' anything. But I wondered about you...you're a lot more like Miri....like me and my sis...like you...." She paused.

"Like a sister? Oh thanks, Vi...I feel so much better." It was more of his own confusion; everything had gotten mixed up as if his whole life were thrown into a blender set on puree'.

"I'm just sayin' you and your sis are really close, maybe 'cause you're twins and all, but I think it's nice." As they were talking, Miri walked up quickly and shouted as she walked past,

"The bus is down the block...we gotta get goin'!" Violet and Jerry looked at each other.

"We okay?" Violet asked and Jerry nodded before the two turned and ran up to Miri as she stopped at the corner.

"Hey...wanna come over for dinner on Friday?" Violet asked.

"Sure...haven't done that in a while," which was true. Violet spent most of her time at the Magliano house, since her sister had been off doing her own thing and her father was working a second job on the weekends to make ends meet.

"Okay...you can come over at six or so."

"Great...your dad gonna be there? Haven't seen him in ages...." Miri's voice trailed off as the bus pulled up to the stop.

"Nah...just me and Cindy."

"Oh...okay." Miri said as she climbed up the bus steps. Something sounded odd in the way Violet said that...like she had something to hide. She shook her head as if to shake off the notion that Violet had something to hide.

---

St. Luke’s Urgent Care Center...that afternoon...

"212...this way," Adele said as she looked at the visitor's pass. The three walked down the hallway until they reached the room.

"You two go in...I'll just wait out here," Jerry said, gently pushing Miri toward the doorway.

"Oh, no, Jer...you're not getting away that easy...you two go in and I'll wait. “Adele said as Miri began to drag Jerry gently toward the door.

"Hey, Vin, you've got some visitors," Danny said as he stood up. Miri and Jerry walked in slowly, more out of nervousness of being in a hospital than visiting a boy they both liked.

"Hi..." Vinnie said weakly. He was 'tube-free' as Danny had kidded him, save for the IV in his arm.

"Hi." The twins said in unison. Both voices were soft and a slight shade of pink had begun to cross both their faces.

"I'm gonna run down for some coffee, Vin. I'll be back but you've got company." Turning to Miri and Jerry he smiled and continued,

"Thanks for coming by. I'll be back in a bit."

He waved at Vinnie before walking out. He looked down at his watch and looked back up just in time to walk right into Adele, who was standing outside the room with her back to the door. They both fell to the floor with a thud, with Danny ending up on top looking down right into Adele's face. She frowned until he spoke up.

"Why, Miss Magliano, so nice to run into you." He laughed softly; that laugh.... She tried to continue to frown, but his smile was entirely disarming, which drew a soft laugh from her. He stood up and helped her to her feet. She pulled her hand gently, but he still grasped it, and she looked into his eyes...those kind, caring eyes.

"I wanted to apologize for what happened the other day. I seemed to have insulted you and that certainly wasn't my intent at all. I'm sorry." Danny spoke softly, and only then did she notice the warm lilt in his voice, almost as if he were crooning.

"I'm a bit shy when it comes to pretty girls, and I didn't want you to think I was being forward."

"Him being forward?" Adele thought. She looked into his eyes once again.

"I'm just a bit...sensitive. Your brother hurt me very much, and I took your response the wrong way. It's I who should apologize to you, Dan." Adele paused for a moment. She would never continue had it been someone else, but somehow there was something in Danny that drew her out, and she spoke again.

"I've had a ....tendency to be..." She was about to say immodest, but he finished her sentence.

"Engaging? Warm....friendly...kind? Inviting?" Danny was being a bit flirty himself, but who could blame him.

'No...that's very kind, but let me speak," she said, insistently but kind.

"Since...since my...you know...."

"Your surgery?"

"Why....yes...I've had a tendency to be....too accommodating."

This was way more than anyone should know, but it was like she needed to be honest to herself; almost like confessing to a priest or a rabbi or minister.

"I've... Oh...gosh...what am I doing....I'm so sorry."

"Miss Magliano...you have nothing to be sorry about...at least as far as I'm concerned. Okay?"

"Oh...okay." Adele had begun to tear up and her face was warm and red.

"Listen, why don't you go in and say hello, okay." Danny was trying to save her any more embarrassment.

"Dan...would you mind if I tagged along when you get your coffee?" She put her hand on his arm, but pulled it back quickly in embarrassment. Dan acted if he didn't notice and spoke.

"I don't mind at all. In fact, I've got about six dollars or so of change in my pocket, so my treat, okay?" He smiled at her once again. She found herself getting lost in his eyes. A few seconds passed and he spoke again.

"Adele?"

"Oh...oh yes...treat." She smiled at him and they both set off down the hall toward the elevator.

I'm a saint and I'm a sinner
I'm a loser, I'm a winner
I'm am steady and unstable
I am young but I'm able

---

While at the same time in Vinnie's room...

"Hi...how are you feeling?" Miri said. Jerry stood behind her, trying to hide. It was the first time 'he' met Vinnie, so to speak.

"Better...my doctor says I can go home on Wednesday." He sighed. It was an awkward moment for all of them. None of them knew how to relate; feelings can sometimes short circuit talking. Vinnie took a stab.

"Jerry?" He practically gasped, more so out of embarrassment than any of the procedures from the other day.

"Yes....?" He tried to sound boyish, whatever that was.

"I...I promise I won't tell anyone." What was intended to be a kind gesture added to the uncomfortable mood. Jerry turned beet red. He tried to speak, but nothing came out. Miri turned to him and whispered in his ear, hoping that Vinnie would see it as a 'twin' thing.

"It's okay...I'll talk." She turned back to Vinnie.

"We were playing a joke on my mom, and Jer sorta forgot that he was...you know...dressed up like me when you came to the door." Vinnie nodded, trying to understand. He still struggled with his own issues, but he accepted Miri's explanation until Jerry blurted out,

"I sometimes wear Miri's clothes," which turned the clarity of the moment back to blurry, even if Miri had been fibbing just a bit. Vinnie surprised both of them by replying,

"Me, too!" Vinnie couldn't believe he had just said that, but say it he did, and it was just the right thing for both him and Jerry to hear.

"Huh?" The twins said in unison once again.

"I'm going to a doctor...I..." He bit his lip. He had gone too far. Whatever chance he had of having a real friend had just flown out the window. Miri would think he was crazy and Jerry? He didn’t know what Jerry would think, but judging by his red face and shocked look, it couldn't be good. But Miri didn't think he was crazy.

"That is so cool...I think everybody should go to see a doctor." She blurted out until she realized what she had said and her face turned the same shade of Jerry's, which was quickly joined as Vinnie face began turning crimson as well.

"I....I mean....when you've got...issues....you know....problems." The hole was getting deeper by the moment, almost threatening to swallow all three of them in a pit of embarrassment.

"I have a problem....I'm not sure who....I am?" It begged a joke, but Jerry put them all at ease.

"Me too...like am I a boy? Or....a girl?" The last bit was very painful, and even at the risk of being more embarrassed, Jerry started to tear up. No one but his mother and sisters knew about that until now, and he had just risked rejection.

"Me too...well not so much lately. Megan...My doc? She's been helping me with that. But I know how hard it is. Maybe...." Vinnie scrunched down in his bed, almost afraid of suggesting it. Miri jumped in.

"Maybe Jerry could talk to your doctor? That would be great." She turned to Jerry, who by now had started to cry.

"It's going to be okay....It's going to be okay." Miri was so happy for Jerry that she started to cry. In a few seconds they were all crying; albeit for different reasons. Jerry was relieved that Vinnie hadn't rejected him. Miri was excited and happy that her brother might finally have someone who could help him.

And Vinnie? He was crying because after all that, he was more confused than he had ever been in his entire life.

I am Rosemary's granddaughter
I'll grown up how I oughta*
And when the day is done
My momma's still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy
But I've got friends who love me
And they know just where I stand
It's all a part of me
And that's who I am

You're Not From Here

I don't know what is going on
You turn around and touch my heart
A silent moment speaks the truth
Something has happened all at once
It should have scared me in advance
But I was falling in those eyes of yours

A little while later...in the hospital cafeteria...

“So…” Danny smiled and resisted the urge to touch Adele’s hand. “When did you know?” A very vague question without any introduction or explanation, but one Adele had answered more than she could remember.

“I was about eleven. My mother was looking for a dress for a wedding she was attending, and Daddy was nowhere to be found, so I got stuck tagging along; at least I thought I was stuck until we got to the store. I’d never been in a department store…the ladies’ department. I was so…my head spun.”

“The clothes, huh?” Danny was thinking of his brother’s own confusion and struggle, but his assumption was a bit off.

“No…well yes a bit, but it was seeing all the girls with their moms…it was in late May or early June, so I guess a lot of the girls were graduating middle school soon. They looked like they….connected with their moms…that they belonged there, you know?” She smiled warmly and failed to resist the temptation, touching Danny softly on the hand. He withdrew his hand but quickly grabbed his coffee and took a long sip.

“I don’t understand, Adele. My brother is going through some struggles of his own. What do you mean by connection?”

“Not like emotional, though I always felt closer to my mom. Like I identified with her like the girls identified with their moms as they shopped; doing things that meant the same to them. I didn’t feel like a boy out with my mother. It was special…like finding out I was royalty or something.”

“I hope you don’t mind me asking, but you’ve brought it up twice…”

“Why do I try so hard? Why am I so….accommodating?” She half-frowned.

“Well, since my brother was such a…and you…” He returned her half-frown with a smile.

“He wasn’t the first…obviously.” She said it as if it was obvious to him, but he didn’t know what she meant.

“I’m not sure I understand…why do you say obvious.” He smiled again, trying to put her at ease in an obviously embarrassing moment.

“I…my Dad hated me when I came out. We all got beat pretty bad, but I think…” She winced and began to tear up, almost as if her father had hit her just then.

“He singled you out because of your…condition?” She nodded and he continued. “You were punished for being yourself. Okay…I think I’m following you. Was it hard to maintain…to….?”

“I had to hide all the time. One time he came in drunk and the only thing that saved me was Mom telling him that I was Anthony’s new girlfriend…I guess I was about fourteen, and he’s looking at me thinking I’m his son’s...that’s me…his son’s girlfriend. It was so weird, and he just stood there and stared before saying something crude about ‘me’ before walking out.” She bit her tongue before taking a sip of her own coffee.

“You had to hide and your dad hated you…why do you think you…” Danny’s voice trailed off; he felt like he was being intrusive, but she touched his hand once again.

“It’s okay…I’m okay. I guess I was trying so hard to find someone who would accept me? Like a lot of real girls do…trying to get their father’s acceptance through other men.”

It became clear for Danny, but one other thing became clear as well.

“Why did you say ‘real girl’ just now?” He frowned, trying to understand her disappointment in herself.

“Well…that’s what they are…real…not like…me.” She lowered her head and began to tear up once again.
Danny resisted the urge not to get personal; he grabbed her hand with his and began to stroke it softly.

“You’re as real as any one, Adele; certainly as real as any girl I’ve ever met.” He smiled and his words turned to a soft laugh; warm and friendly as if she were the only one in the room.

“You….stop…it’s not funny…I….” She began to blush, and her face grew hot, almost as much from anger as from embarrassment. It was her turn to pull her hand away, and she grew frustrated as he held on tight, continuing to stroke it.

“I wasn’t joking. I’ve met a lot of women in my short time on earth. You are just as attractive and appealing and compelling as anyone I’ve ever met.” His voice was soothing, almost like a balm being spread over the wound in her heart.

“No…not me…you can’t….” She began to cry. She went to stand up, but slipped back down into her chair as he stood up and placed his hand softly on her shoulder.

“Don’t go, Adele…you don’t have to try with me…you don’t have to prove anything with me…you don’t have to be anyone but who you are.” He sat back down and released her hand.

“But…I’m…” She began to explain, almost as if he were oblivious to her beginnings.

“Adele…I know…remember…you were going to marry my brother…at least you…he was a fool to let you go.” Danny shook his head. He had been angry with his brother for some time over his treatment of Adele; they had almost come to blows more than once because of it. But his anger was not reserved for his brother alone.

I know you
You're not from here
I've waited for you to appear
To take my breath away
And make me weep
You're not from here
Not from this here and now
Just a touch of yours
And I fly... and I fly... and I fly

“Adele…I’m not your Dad…I can’t take that pain away. And I’m not my brother. I would never think of hurting you…” His voice trailed off. The conversation was going in a direction he felt he couldn’t control. And control was important to him…he didn’t want to lose the one thing he had gained over the past two years since he had returned from the war.

“I don’t know you well enough to care for you the way you deserve, but I will be as open and honest with you as I possibly can. You don’t have to do anything for me to care…I want to be your friend, Adele…nothing more, nothing less.” He was fooling himself, but his caution was wise for both their sakes.

“You mean you don’t want….” She looked hurt. She derived so much of her self esteem from being successful at being too pliable…too agreeable.

“Oh, gosh, Adele…no...It’s not like that.”

“I thought…I guess I’m not as real as you said I was after all. Fine, Dan…we can be friends…I haven’t been anybody’s buddy in a long time, but I can do that…we can go get a beer…maybe play some pool…stare at girls at the bar…sure…let me just turn back the clock a few years.” She stood and this time he made no effort to stop her.

“I guess I’ll see you upstairs.” She ran quickly to the elevators and pressed the up button. The doors opened up a few moments later and she stepped in after a young couple exited the waiting car. The doors began to close behind her but stopped as a hand reached in and held them open.

“Going my way?” Danny said as the car doors finally closed. Adele shied away, leaning against the far wall of the elevator car with her back to him.

“If I have to…fine.” She said it with an angry tone, but it was forced, and did little to mask her hurt. She felt a hand touch her softly on the shoulder, causing her to wince. She scooted sideways against the car wall but the hand reached around to gently turn her.

“Adele…I respect you too much to expect or demand or even want a physical relationship with you. That’s not how I was raised, no matter what my brother said or did. My mother taught me to treat a lady with respect, and that’s what I’m trying to do here.

“What? I don’t understand.” She sniffled as a teardrop fell from her nose.

“Sure…I’d love to hold you…to kiss you…to make love to you, but you’re not my wife…you’re not even my girlfriend….I don’t do things out of order. I hope I’m big enough to treat you with honor, okay, so there.”

“But…I don’t understand.”

“I know…that’s why I have to break my rule…just this once, and this is as far as it goes…for now.” She stared at him blankly, her tears still falling freely. He gathered her in his arms and kissed her. Just once, for only a few moments, but his kiss was tender and soft and sweet. And then he hugged her; a bit less than a lover but much more than a casual friend or brother. It was a hug of promise, of friendship that was destined to grow and change; for how much neither knew, but one that certainly promised to heal both hearts.

For now
I'll stand still
For now
I'll be filled by the memory of your skin
I know you
You're not from here
You don't belong to lies and tears

---

Meanwhile...in Vinnie's room...

“I guess we should let you get some sleep, huh?” Miri looked at Vinnie before turning to Jerry for agreement. Jerry nodded nervously as Miri hugged the boy and kissed him on the cheek. Miri turned again to her brother and used a head nod to indicate that he needed to say good bye as well.

“I’ll let you guys talk for a minute and say goodbye. Get well quick, okay?” She smiled at Vinnie and started for the door prompting a furious head shake “NO!” from Jerry as she passed him. She patted him on the back and shoved him closer to the bed before walking out.

Jerry watched Miri disappear before turning around to face the boy in the bed.

“Well, I guess I should get going. Thanks for telling me about your doctor…I’ll have my Mom give her a call tomorrow.” Jerry stood next to the bed and smiled awkwardly, feeling more than just a bit odd. Roles and feelings and beliefs seemed to be coming together like a new recipe his mom was trying for the first time; he didn’t know what it would be like and some of him was scared to test it out, but a lot of him looked forward to the new experience. He stepped closer, more out of fear of missing something than being brave or daring.

“Thanks for coming by…really.” Vinnie was just as confused as Jerry, and he was twice as fearful, perhaps because of the events of the last few days. Both boys felt exposed and maybe just a little bit ashamed; needless of course, but ashamed nonetheless. He reached over and tried to pull Jerry close to shake his hand; that’s what boys did, right? As Vinnie pulled his sleeve, Jerry misread the gesture. But instead of shying away, he made a bold move; the bravest thing he ever did and maybe the wisest and best as well, because it altered both of their paths.

“Okay….I gotta go.” Jerry leaned closed and remembering his sister’s gesture, went to kiss the boy on the cheek. And Vinnie, being as confused as ever, took Jerry’s gesture the wrong way, but like his new friend, did the bravest, wisest thing he ever did. He reached up with his right hand and pulled Jerry in and kissed him on the lips. Both boys’ eyes were wide open and they widened even more at the awkwardness of the moment. But neither boy pulled back, and in a few seconds were kissing each other…each experiencing their own first honest-to-goodness romantic kiss. It seemed to go on forever but lasted only a few seconds, interrupted by the arrival of a nurse carrying a pill cup and some antacid.

“Oh…I’m sorry…I’ll leave you two kids alone,” she said as all three faces grew bright red and hot.
Jerry took one look at the boy in the bed and fell in love. It wouldn’t be the last time he’d fall in love…actually it wouldn’t be the last time he’d fall in love but it was the very first time she fell in love. She had always seemed to know in the back of her mind that she liked boys, but for the first time she was absolutely sure she was a girl. She stared with wide, wondering eyes at the boy in the bed, who stared back with a blank look.

As sure as Jerry felt about his…about her feelings that day, Vinnie was just as sure that he wasn’t sure of anything but for one thing; he had kissed a girl…yes, a girl…for the first time, and he liked it. His problem…a very big problem indeed, was that he wasn’t sure about himself. Even at that moment, he wasn’t even sure he WAS a he. But at that moment on that day in that year, it really didn’t matter, because no matter who he was or wasn’t, no matter whether he was a girl or a boy…he had fallen in love for the first time as well.

The greatness of your soul
Makes me weep
You're not from here
Not from this here and now
Just a touch of yours
And I fly... and I fly... and I fly

What's Up, Mom?

Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed her face, I kissed her head
Dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make her glow
That afternoon…at the Rubio home…

“I don’t care…I just can’t. What if this doesn’t work? I’ll just die.” Cindy was sitting up in bed, clutching her knees in an almost fetal position. After leaving Violet on the way to the bus stop, she had come home and stayed in bed all day.

“Come on…it’ll be fine…” Violet said as she hopped onto her sister’s bed. Cindy turned from her headboard and it was obvious that she had been crying.

“I can’t do this…she’ll hate me for it and then I’ll never get a chance…no…I can’t.” Cindy Rubio was nearly two years older than her sister, but in so many ways, they were like twins. They had always been close, but grew even closer when their mother passed away when Vi was in sixth grade and Cindy was in eighth.

“Okay…how about this…let’s just get to know everybody…like everybody in both families. We can invite Adele and Jerry and their mom for Sunday dinner…that way Daddy can be there, too, and it’ll be more of a nice family thing. And if somehow Daddy gets talkin’ with Mrs. M and I sorta get Jerry to play some video games or listen to some tunes, you can talk a walk…Miri likes walking around the neighborhood; we do it all the time. Nothin’ serious, okay?”

“Vi…I’m so scared. `Let’s just forget it, okay?” Cindy turned away and began to cry. Violet patted her on the back.

“Okay…just you and me and Daddy…no problem, Cin…”

---

At the same time…at the Magliano home after the hospital visit…

Adele, Miri, and Jerry walked into the house as Giada looked up from her Bible to see two of her three children crying.

“Oh…honey, what’s wrong,” Giada said as Adele started up the stairs to her room. She went to speak and was joined by Jerry, who had thought his mother was speaking to him. They both sobbed,

“He…he kissed me.” Adele ran up the stairs and into her room, shutting the door loudly. Jerry followed her quickly, running into his own room. Giada turned to Miri and cocked her head.

“What just happened?” She asked and smiled while looking up the stairs.

“I don’t know, but…wow, huh?” Miri shrugged her shoulders and suppressed a giggle.

“Yeah, wow.” Giada laughed softly before walking up the stairs.

---

“Jerry…can I come in, honey?” Giada leaned into the room past the partially opened door.

“You’re already in…” Jerry tried to laugh but quickly brought his pillow to his face and began to cry.

“What’s the matter, Jer?” She sat down on the bed and pulled the pillow from him gently, revealing a very puffy red face.

“I…hheeee….I….” He stammered. She patted him on the back and spoke softly

“Slow down and take a breath, sweetheart. It’s okay.”

“I…Mom…I’m so messed up…do you think I’m messed up…I’m so messed up?” He began to rock gently, banging his back against the headboard.

“No…you’re….scared…confused…like everybody else.” She bit her lip, wondering how to help her child.

“I….kissed a boy, mom….me….Jerry…your son…I kissed a boy.” He turned and buried his face in her sweater and began to weep. After a few minutes, he had cried himself out…for the moment.

Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream
You're just like a dream

“Okay…let’s take this one bit at a time, okay?” She rubbed him on the back and continued. “One bit at a time.”

“I….I kissed a boy, mom! You must hate me?”

“Never, honey…and never for something as sweet as your first kiss. Did you like it.” He looked up into her eyes with the most shamed expression she had ever seen.

“Yeeehhhhsss. Mom…I kissed a boy.” He began to sob. She grabbed his face with both hands and held it almost arms length.

“Stop it this instant. You did nothing wrong. I’m proud of you.”

“Proooud? Whhhhaayyyyyyy?” He sobbed once again.

“Because you chose to be who you are and be kind to someone who you care for…why wouldn’t I be proud.”

“Be…becuzzzzz. I…I’mmmmm a booooyyyyy.” He buried his face between her sleeve and the headboard, bonking his head hard.

“Honey…stop….shhhh….shhhh…..There’s nothing…nothing wrong with kissing a boy….nothing.” She was almost angry, but not with Jerry. Years of abuse from his father, for which she felt responsible, had pushed her son into a box, a place that he struggled to escape. And now, when the cage was open, the poor bird was too afraid and ashamed to fly.

“Jerry…close your eyes. Do this for me, okay…close your eyes. Got them closed?” An odd question since she was right next to him, but she didn’t want him to see her own tears; at least not just yet.

“Yeeehhhhesss.” He could hardly speak.

“Now…what was Vinnie…that’s his name…you kissed Danny’s brother?”

“Yeehhhhessss?”

“Okay, honey..what was Vinnie wearing? What did he have on?”

“I…..pajamas? I don’t remember…”

“When you kissed…did you have your eyes open? This is important, honey?” She smiled as he raised his head.

“At…at first….but then…I closed my eyes…” He began to sob again, his face a mask of shame and confusion.

“Because you and he…made a connection? You…enjoyed kissing him…right?”

“Yehhhessss?” He said it in a question, almost as an apology.

“Now…what if his name were Vicki instead of Vinnie…would that be okay?” She asked him while rubbing his back, trying to show him she didn’t mind any of what he feared.

“Or what if your name were Geraldine instead of Jerome? Or what if you were both girls or both boys, honey?”

“Wahhhat? I…I don’t….I don’t understand.” Giada smiled at her child and stroked his hair.

“You’re not a boy, are you?” He had been going back and forth; his sister’s clothes did more to confuse this issue than clarify it, but she had known that these things sometimes occur with more than one child in a family. His remarks and responses were so much like Adele’s when she was going through her time of discovery.

“You’re my daughter, Jerry, plain and simple. Now you may have kissed a girl or a boy…we don’t know either way, from what you tell me. So it’s not about whom you kissed as much as it is about who did the kissing. And I think it’s become pretty apparent that Vinnie got kissed by a girl, right?”
Almost like a light going on, the whole world seemed to come alive for Jerry. Even though he continued to cry…even though she continued to cry, it was as if she was finally free to be who she was always meant to be…to be whom God intended her to be, as some might say. She eagerly nodded.

“So kissing Vinnie was good either way, since now you know that a girl kissed Vinnie. I guess it’s up to Vinnie to decide who and what he is, okay?”

“Okay….okay? What if Vinnie is a girl like me…just like me?” She began to cry again, this time softer, almost waiting for the explanation from her mother that would make things “all better.”

“What of it…you’re who you are, right? Would Vinnie’s kiss be any nicer or not nice at all if he were really a girl? Would you have liked him or her any more than you do now?” The wonder of the moment was entirely different than when her son Anthony told her about Adele…her ‘son’s’ true self. That was a chaotic moment, spoiled by her ex-husband’s angry and vicious remarks. Here, in safety and comfort, her daughter came to her; finding encouragement and hope. She felt guilty about her lack of support for Adele at the time, but they had made peace of a sort. Now she felt glad for all her daughters.

“I..I think it would be…the same.” She smiled again, wiping her face on her mother’s sleeve.

“I think so, too.”

---

A few minutes later…

"Why are you so far away?", she said

"Why won't you ever know
That I'm in love with you?
That I'm in love with you?"

“Adele, honey?” Giada felt like an Emotions Nurse making the rounds.
“Yeeaassss?” Adele looked up to see her mother standing next to her bed.

“Did you cry yourself to sleep?” She obviously had, but Giada wanted her daughter to talk about the whys and wherefores of the crying.

“Yesssss?” Adele rolled over and her mother knelt next to the bed and kissed her daughter on the bridge of the nose.

“I’m glad you found your bed in time, because it really looks like you’ve fallen hard for someone,” Giada kidded her while rising to sit down next to Adele. The girl scooted sideways and made room for her mother. Giada lay next to her, face to face, brushing the tears from her cheeks.

“He….he…kissed me, Mom…right in the elevator.” She started to choke up, but her face wasn’t sad at all.

“Why the tears, honey? You sound sad, but you look…surprised?” Adele nodded as her mother began to stroke her hair.

“He…doesn’t want to make love to me, Mom…” A statement that would have had an entirely different meaning only weeks before, she seemed almost happy that she was being rejected. Giada smiled.

“He cares too much for you to make love…he respects you?” Almost an unnecessary guess, it needed asking nonetheless for Adele’s sake.

“Right…like…I…I don’t have to do anything…he just likes me.” Truth be told, Danny was falling in love with Adele, but like would suffice for the time being.

“He doesn’t expect anything…he gives instead of takes.” She didn’t want Adele to feel condemned, but the distinction had to be made since Adele needed to move away from how she had believed and behaved; almost performing on demand.

“No..yes…he’s just such a nice guy. Oh…Mommy…what if…maybe I’m…..” Her voice trailed off as she thought of conversations past with her mother. And of course, the ringing accusations of her father continued to follow her like the bells of a leper marking her as unclean.

“You are more than just okay, honey…Remember…’fearfully and wonderfully made…” Giada quoted Psalm 119 to her children often, partly as a way of undoing the harm of her inaction and neglect when she was drinking; but even more so, as she remembered the verse for herself. “God don’t make no junk,” she remembered a preacher saying once, ironically a preacher who was against gay marriage and anything transgender, but in this case, was entirely on the mark.

“I feel bad…like he’s missing something…like he needs glasses, Mom. I mean…I …with his brother....Oh, Mommy, I’m so ashamed…what did I do…I messed up big time….he can’t…it’s not fair.”

“Honey…Danny strikes me as a man who thinks and acts for himself, no matter what. If he kissed ...since he kissed you, I think he’s looking past who you used to be. Like Aunt Chloe used to say about your Uncle Dave…when everybody else had given up on him? ‘Most folks see Dave as he is…I see Dave as he can become.’ That’s Danny with you.” Giada kissed her daughter’s forehead before finishing.

“There’s just one thing that you need to do, honey.” Adele was so used to doing things to maintain a relationship she feared one more task.

“What, Mom…what should I do?” She began to cry. Giada stroked her cheek and said softly.

“You need to see yourself the way Danny and I and your sisters…yes, SISTERS…see you…and the way God sees you, honey…fearfully and wonderfully made’” She gathered her daughter in her arms and showered her with kisses even as the girl sobbed enough to shake the bed. More healing for another Magliano child.

---

The next day…at the Rubio home….

“Hello, is this the Rubio residence,” Giada spoke softly, her voice almost sing-song.

“Yes, this is Benjamin Rubio, may I ask who’s calling? If you want my daughters, they’re out and about in the neighborhood right now…Can I take a message?”

“Oh…Mr. Rubio…this is Giada Magliano…Miri’s mother?”

“Miri… oh yes…my third daughter,” he said with a soft warm laugh.

“Have we met…after the past few years…I feel we should have met by now…but with my jobs…I’m sorry..I’m rambling.”

“We’ve met just the once…at your wife’s funeral. I’m so sorry I haven’t kept in touch. When we were going through such a hard time with my ex, you and your wife were like an oasis in a desert for my twins…you know Jerry as well?” Giada looked away even though it was a phone conversation, fearing for her son’s…reputation in the neighborhood.

“Jerry…yes…Mrs. Magliano….” His voice sounded ominous.

“Please, call me Giada.”

“Okay, Giada…Jerry strikes me as unusual…” His voice trailed off and Giada grew nervous until he continued.

“He’s one of the kindest kids I know. Did you know he actually sang to my wife…when she was at her last? Asked permission and then just calmly sang some sweet song…I don’t even recall the tune, but Maya was so filled with peace…like an angel he sang.” He began to tear up at the thought.

“There I go…rambling again. Anyway…it’s nice talking to you…what can I do for you?

“I wanted to know what to bring?”

“Bring…for what?”

“Oh…I’m sorry…Miri says that you and your daughters have invited me and my children for dinner. I know we haven’t touched base in a while, but she says Violet told her that since she and Vi are so close…well, I’m sorry, but it seems like we’ve got our signals crossed. I’m glad to talk with you, but I’m sorry to have…”

“Please, don’t…it’s okay…we haven’t had much company in the last couple of years…It will be fun…I don’t know what Cindy and Vi are preparing…do you like wine?”

“I’m sorry, Mr. Rubio…”

“Please…call me Ben…my friends call me Benny.” He laughed softly.

“I’m sorry…Ben…I’m an alcoholic…can I bring some Ginger Ale…maybe a salad?”

“Certainly…I’m sorry…it’s okay…oh…by the way…when am I having you over?”

“Sunday at two? That’s what the girls say.” She said it absentmindedly, referring to Miri and Jerry, not Miri and Vi.

“Okay…Sunday it is. I’m looking forward to seeing…your family. Thanks for the heads up…Giada.” He laughed that kind welcoming laugh once again.

“Okay…Benny…Sunday it is. Bye for now.” She almost said the ubiquitous “Love you,” but caught herself. She hit off on the phone and stared at it for a moment. She sighed and said,

“Hmmmm….Benny….”

Ben Rubio hung up the phone even as his eyes darted around the kitchen. He spotted Cindy standing in the doorway looking equally fearful and angry. He shrugged his shoulders to say if to say, “What gives.” She returned the shrug as if to say, “Don’t ask me.” A moment later she looked toward her bedroom and screamed,

“Violet!!!!!!” before running down the hallway as her sister ran out of the room and out the front door. Benny watched his older daughter run out of the house as she continued to yell her sister’s name. He laughed once again before say once to himself,

“Hmmmm…Giada…”

"Why are you so far away?", she said

"Why won't you ever know
That I'm in love with you?
That I'm in love with you?"
You, soft and only
You, lost and lonely
You, strange as angels

Heartache and Healing!

Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care
your skin your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are
Later that night...
There could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

It was nearly nine and everyone was tired from the day’s events except for Miri. She was just coming into the living room with a tray with tea and cookies when she heard a knock at the front door. Putting the tray down on the coffee table, she quickly walked to the door and opened it, finding Danny Pearson standing literally with hat in hand.

“Hi, Miri…I’m so sorry for coming over so late. Would Adele happen to be at home?”

“Sure, come on in; I’ve just made some tea,” Miri said as she opened the door wider in invitation.

“If it’s all the same, I need to talk with her?” Danny smiled and gestured toward the bench on the porch.

“Hi,” a voice came from behind Miri as Adele walked to the doorway.

“It’s okay, Mir…Just a sec.” Adele walked back to the living room and grabbed her mug of tea off the tray before joining Danny on the porch. He shrugged and his face turned red when she stepped out. He turned his glance away.

“What?” She asked as she looked at herself, wondering what was wrong.

“You forgot your robe.” He replied.

She looked down and noticed buttons of her pajamas had come undone. Her breasts, while not completely bared, were still somewhat exposed. It was then, in such a simple observation that she realized just how much the young man cared. She ran quickly buttoned her pajamas and ran to the couch and grabbed her robe. Putting it on, she turned to walk back to the porch when it struck her. He didn’t see a replica or a facsimile of a girl; he saw the woman she was, and deferred to her modesty. She returned to the porch and tried to smile and make light of the situation, but his look and reply completed the moment.

“I’m sorry. I come across as being abrupt and maybe even rude sometimes, and I don’t want you to think you’re not pretty when I turn away…I just thought…” He was unable to complete the sentence as she burst into tears.

“Oh…damn….I did it again.” He turned red as he stood, helpless before the weeping girl

“No…it’s ….it’s alright…I just…” She sobbed. Miri went to run back to the porch but Jerry grabbed her
arm softly and shook his head no.

“Oh…okay.” She knew immediately what he meant; that this was actually a good thing for both of them, and that everything was more than just okay. She turned toward her mother who nodded in agreement.

“Adele…are you okay?” That word…mere approval, which would have been enough, but the young man had just communicated to her very clearly with no room for misinterpretation or negotiation that he cared enough about her for her to be embarrassed; a silly notion perhaps to some, but a very real feeling to Adele.

“Danny…I have to …you need to know what just happened.” He leaned closer and tilted his head ever so slightly, as if it would help him understand.

“No man…no one I’ve ever been with has ever cared about my modesty. I could wear anything and it wouldn’t make a difference. I felt so….” She started to sob and he went to console her. She was starved for his embrace, but at that moment, it wasn’t the right time, and she put her hand out to stop him.

“Hear me out, okay?” She paused and collected herself.

“I…I gave myself away…I wanted so bad to be loved that I just gave myself away. The…..” Once again he went to hug her and once again she put up her hand.

“But you…you…” she stammered.

“How could I not, Adele?” His own eyes began to fill with tears. “You mean the world to me; no expectations, no demands…I care too much to put that on you.” Seeing his tears made her cry all the more as she broke down completely, falling into his arms. He began to kiss her, but pulled back. Before that moment, his retreat might have signaled rejection, but then and there, it was all about him accepting and comforting and valuing her; not about him at all.

“Mom…listen to her…” Miri practically begged her mother to go to rescue Adele from the pain, but
Giada shook her head no, ever so gently while saying softly,

“Honey…this is exactly what your sister has needed all along.’ She choked up a bit as she glanced over at the scene on the porch before finishing,

“This is exactly who she’s needed.”

Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there's a man whose love is true
And he'll treat you like the jewel you are

---

The next morning...at the Pearson home...

Danny was pouring a cup of coffee when the doorbell rang. Odd, since it was six-fourteen AM and everybody in the neighborhood always came to the side door. He walked through down the hallway and opened the front door. Two uniformed officers stood on the porch. One looked very anxious, revealing his lack of experience. The calmer and older of the two stepped forward.

“Excuse me sir, is this the Pearson residence?”

“Yes, this is my mother’s home, Estelle Pearson. What’s wrong?” Danny knew enough that police officers don’t ask for donations to the Police Benevolence fund at six in the morning. His worse fears weren’t realized, but what would have been his last choice did.

“I’m sorry…there was a shooting at your father’s apartment…” His voice trailed off as he paused, hoping that Danny would fill in the blanks.

“I…” Danny couldn’t speak. He never loved his father, for so many understandable reasons, but his face grew warm and his nostrils flared slightly as he began to cry. Years of abuse and neglect may erase respect and care, but a little boy never stops wanting his dad, even it that dad never existed.
A few moments passed and he collected himself.

“I’ve..I’ve got to tell my mother and my brother.” He opened the door further and motioned for the officers to come in.

“Someone has to stay with my mother….my brother Rick…or me…one of us can come with you.” Danny saw a very troubled look cross the face of the younger cop and he felt a chill up his spine.’

“I’m…I’m sorry…Mr. Pearson. We arrested your brother at the scene. He’s being charged with killing your father. He asked if we'd let you know and to call the family lawyer.” The younger of the two cops turned away as Danny’s face went from warm and red to cold and almost white in a second, and he dropped the coffee cup to the floor where it shattered.

“Danny? Danny….” He heard a voice calling from behind. Turning around, he found his mother standing in the hall. He shuddered once before stepping next to her, Grabbing her by both hands, he led her past the two officers and sat her down on the couch.

“Mom…we….Daddy’s dead.” A look of relief almost was followed quickly by horror as Danny explained that his brother, her eldest son, was in jail for the crime.

The pain of twenty-five plus years of neglect and abuse doesn’t go away quickly, but neither in some way for some women does the love that held that horrible alliance together. Danny pulled his mother closer as she sobbed over the loss of the only man she had ever loved.

Little girl twenty-one the things that you've already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you've got a man but he's got another plan
Only wants what you will do instead

The first kiss, the first date, the first time they made love; all were precious, but they could never outweigh the first slap or punch, and nothing would ever make the pain of knowing she had married a monster go away. She wept for her loss; of her innocence and her love, but much more in guilt over the loss of innocence of her children. Years of abandoning her escape and the salvation for her sons in the hope that things would change; a prison perhaps of his making, but one in which she held the key.

"Ricky? No...tell me he didn't. Oh, God...it's my fault...Danny....Where's Vinnie?"

"He's still in the hospital, Mom...You remember." It all came back to her; the boy in the hospital who hated to go to his father's place.

"Oh...yes...hospital...he's sick...that flu that's going around." She said it and Danny was not going to make a point of correcting her but his look betrayed his feelings.

"No...no...that's not right...ulcers...he's afraid...afraid of his father..." The look of sad recognition crossed her face and she cried out.

"Vinnie...my baby...he...your father swore he'd stop...he told me it was over....Oh God...it's my fault ...my baby..." She touched Danny's face in confusion.

"It's okay, Vinnie...it's okay..." She sobbed and started to shake.

She didn’t pull the trigger, but at that moment she felt her inability to stand up to her husband put the gun in Rick’s hand. Estelle Pearson collapsed in her son’s arms.

There could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

You're Still Not From Here

I don't know what is going on
You turn around and touch my heart
A silent moment speaks the truth
Something has happened all at once
It should have scared me in advance
But I was falling in those eyes of yours

Thirty Minutes Later....

“I’m so sorry, Danny. Don’t worry; Adele and I can keep your mother company, okay?” Giada Magliano gestured to the couch, where Estelle was sleeping.

“The doctor said the sedative will likely leave her out for an hour or so; time enough I hope for your sake to get this awful task done.” Rick’s status as a suspect in his own father’s murder meant that someone else from the family had to identify the body; everyone involved in the case knew that it indeed was Richard Pearson, Sr. that had been killed, but rules are rules.

“Danny…” Adele walked over to her mother and grabbed her arm. Danny stepped back a bit and smiled weakly.

“I’m really sorry…” She knew nothing of the family history despite being engaged for six weeks to Rick, and she hadn’t been sucked too far into the Pearson maelstrom before Rick and she split up. Nevertheless, she somehow felt responsible for Rick’s actions; as if their parting led to the shooting. And of course, like every one else, she hoped that it wasn’t Rick but another who had killed Richard Pearson.

“Adele…it’s…you didn’t do anything wrong. Nothing. I’ve got to go, and I need to stop by the hospital on the way back from…” His voice trailed off but he anticipated the obvious question…at least obvious to him.

“The hospital cut off the cable to Vinnie’s room and no one is to speak to him about this until the doctor and I meet later. They’re telling him that his unit isn’t working. This is going to hurt bad.”
“Would you like me to come,” Adele asked, stepping forward toward Danny. He put his hand up.

“No…I…we need to talk about family stuff.” Her face twisted a bit; feeling rejected once again where nothing but acceptance was offered. Danny understood right away.

“No…honey…it’s just I have to talk with Vinnie about some stuff he’s never told anybody…” Danny glanced over to the couch where his mother slept. Giada nodded and Adele looked sad and very embarrassed.

“Look…honey…the cops are waiting for me to follow them down town. We’ll talk when I get back, but you’ve got to grab onto this right now…I love you…nothing you say or do is going to change that, and believe me…I understand about being insecure and hurt, so you don’t have to apologize for questioning; you hardly know me. But know this…When this whole thing is all over, you and I should start talking about the future…the immediate future, okay?” He went to kiss Adele but realized Giada would see. He kissed her cheek instead, and Giada laughed.

“Go ahead, Danny; it’s okay. I’d be upset if you didn’t kiss her.” He took her at her word and kissed Adele like a boyfriend kisses his ‘best girl,’ before running to his pickup. A moment later he was gone. She sighed deeply and her mother hummed the tune to “I am Sixteen,” from The Sound of Music before they walked off the porch, closing the door behind them.

I know you
You're not from here
I've waited for you to appear
To take my breath away
And make me weep
You're not from here
Not from this here and now
Just a touch of yours
And I fly... and I fly... and I fly

---

St. Louis County Jail, Clayton, Missouri

“Danny…I swear to God…I didn’t kill him.” Rick put his head in his hands and sighed. Danny was so afraid that Rick was lying; even though he loved his brother he didn’t trust him, hot head that he was.

“What happened, Rick? I mean, God…they found you with the gun in your hand.” Danny shook his head, trying to understand and process so many difficult and painful emotions.

“I went over there to…” He leaned closer and whispered through the phone. “I was going beat the shit out of him…” Rick was a bundle of emotions himself; seething and tearing up at the same time.

“I called to find out if he would be home. When he answered he was like he usually is…you know… what’s the problem? You know…that arrogant shit he started pulling when I first confronted him?” Danny nodded and winced at the same time.

“I got there and he was gone…I mean someone shot the fucker right through the heart.” Rick almost seemed disappointed, but Danny saw something in his eyes.

“Why the hell did you pick up the gun?”

“What the fuck, Dan…I don’t fucking know. All I know is that he was dead when I got there.” Dan looked again and saw something he didn’t expect to see; something he’d likely have seen had he a mirror at that moment.

“Rick…Are you okay?” Danny leaned closer to the partition.

“I…” He only got as far as ‘I’ before leaning on the table and weeping. Danny actually started to get up and remembered where he was and sat down, wishing he could reach past the plexiglass to console his brother. A moment later Rick lifted his head and began to speak again.

“Danny…I mean…for Christ’s sake…he was our father…why the fuck did he do that? Who the fuck does that to their…” He shook his head and looked up at the ceiling, seeking for the first time some solace and support from someone beside himself.

Danny closed his eyes and remembered the first time he had seen the gun...the nickel plated 45 with the ebony grip...where his dad got it he never found out. He had forgotten about it all these years; hoping to put into the past the threats...not to him...He would have been happy to die. Richard Sr. had threatened the same vile disgusting acts against the youngest of the family...The bile came to his throat as he recalled the betrayal as his father went ahead and hurt Vinnie anyway after he had gotten what he wanted from Danny. He swallowed and looked at his brother again.

“Geez, Rick, I wish I knew…and I don’t want to know. I almost don’t care why…that he did it says enough to me.” Danny started to cry. A tall fortyish looking African- American corrections officer stepped closer and said softly,

“I’m gonna give you two some extra time. His lawyer’s stuck in traffic, and I don’t want to walk him back to his cell and have to turn around…” He paused as if to consider a decision before standing next to Danny and whispering down,

“I don’t think your brother did it…I’ve been here a while, and there’s just something about the ones…he may not be innocent, but he sure as hell ain’t guilty, either. You got ten minutes.”

“Danny…what about Mom…what’s happening with her?” Rick began to get agitated, looking around as if he could actually leave.

“She’s okay. Giada is looking after her…” He didn’t want to mention Adele, but Rick knew already.

“Danny…it’s okay…you and Adele…” He left it at that.

“The doctor gave her a sedative; she should be okay…least while I’m out. I…I gotta go over to the hospital to tell Vinnie. I wish you could come.” He would have thought it was ironic that he wanted the murderer of his father to tell his brother, but he bit his lip in anger at himself when he realized how wrong he continued to see Rick.

“Yeah…I’m sorry, Rick…I do wish you were with me.” He shook his head and looked at his brother, wondering just how the Pearon family would weather the latest in a long line of storms.

“Five minutes, kid.” The man nodded and tapped his watch. Danny nodded back.

“Danny…can you do me a favor?” Danny nodded without question. Rick shrugged his shoulders and tears came to his eyes once again.

“Listen…I don’t know how this is going to play out…I didn’t do it…” Danny frowned sadly at the statement, helping Rick know that he believed him.

“Please? Tell Adele I am so sorry for hurting her and her family. The tears streamed down his cheeks and the conviction of his conscience tore his heart in two as he wept.

“It’s like I…I’m no better than Daddy…Sure…I didn’t rape her, but I might as well have. She didn’t deserve that and I am so sorry for what I did.” Rick always ‘apologized’ by describing his actions as an event with which he was involved; “I’m sorry it happened,” or “I’m sorry you got hurt.” Perhaps for the first time in his life, maybe too late, he took responsibility for his behavior.

“I will…I’m going to see her tonight, and we’ve got a lot of talking to do…about this…about a lot of things…I’ll tell her.” He nodded and put his palm against the glass, met on the other side by Rick’s hand.

“Love you, Rick…I do…” He smiled as Rick repeated the words into the phone before the man said softly,

“I’m sorry…It’s time.” Danny got up and walked toward door, only to be stopped by the man’s soft touch on his arm.

“I’ll be praying for you and your brother.” He smiled as the door opened and another officer ushered Rick’s attorney in. The man paused and handed Danny a card.

“I’ll call you tonight, okay? If you don’t here from me by tonight, call my cell tomorrow. I’ll answer if I’m not in court.”

Danny nodded as the door closed behind him.

---

St. Luke's Urgent Care Center...a while later...

“Hey, little brother.” Vinnie frowned until Danny added with a smile, “for now.”

“Hey Danny…I’m glad you’re here. They said the cable won’t get fixed until tomorrow.” Vinnie looked up at the blank screen on the wall opposite his bed.

“Yeah…I heard…Vin…I got something I’ve got to talk to you about…okay?” Danny’s face failed to hide his dread, and the boy shouted,

“Is something wrong with Mom…Danny? Fuck…Danny…tell me she’s okay.’ Danny quickly took two finals steps and patted Vinnie as he sat down next to the bed.

“No…Vin...she’s okay…don’t worry. It’s about something else.” Danny’s expression hadn’t changed.

“What…Danny...What?”

“Daddy’s dead.” The boy’s face changed from fear to shock to relief in a moment, only to be replaced by sadness. Vinnie put his head back on his pillow and began to sob. Danny didn’t want to tell him the next part, but he’d find out somehow by the end of the day. He stood up and grabbed Vinnie’s hand and patted it.

“Vin…I’m sorry I gotta do this but there’s more, and you’ll find out about it sooner or later and…”

“No…tell me he didn’t!” The boy screamed loud enough that the nurse came running into the room. Danny held his hand up and she nodded and walked out.

“Who told you?” Danny knew that Vinnie knew about Rick.

“We…we were talking yesterday after you guys left. He wasn’t sure after everything the other day…I had to tell him about me and Daddy, Rick…I’m so sorry.” He began to sob again.

“Vinnie…it’s not your fault…no, Vin…stop it.” Danny began to cry along with his brother. Vinnie looked up and his face was etched with sheer horror.

“You don’t understand. He was so upset that he started to pace up and down in front of the bed. I didn’t mean it, Danny…I swear I didn’t mean it.” He buried his face against the far side of his pillow. Danny started to stroke his hair.

“It’s okay…it’s not your fault.” A moment that Danny felt so odd about; a moment he’d recall later when things weren’t so horrific. Vinnie took his hand and grabbed Danny and pulled his hand away, yelling,

“You don’t understand…stop making excuses…that’s all we do…It’s my fault….I told Rick I wished Daddy were dead…I’m so sorry…It’s my fault.” He began crying in sheer horror, the fire fueled by misplaced guilt and shame. The nurse came in seconds later and gave the boy something through the tube coming out of his arm. A moment later he began to relax, but he still sobbed,

“My fault…it’s my fault.” Danny couldn’t take it anymore. As much as he cried all that day, he was the strongest member of the Pearsons, but he couldn’t sustain it any longer. He sat down; nearly falling into the chair again as he began to weep. He grabbed Vinnie’s hand and squeezed as the two wept as one; fearful that things would never be the same. They were right enough, but they would find out that different in this case was not only acceptable; it was just the thing the family needed.

---

For now
I'll stand still
For now
I'll be filled by the memory of your skin
I know you
You're not from here
You don't belong to lies and tears

Ever the rock, even after his understandable melt-down at the hospital, Danny knew that if he called and canceled meeting Adele, she’d take it the wrong way. She might have been stronger at that point, but she was still fragile, and Danny was too afraid to chance yet another disappointment for someone he cared about.

“Danny…oh gosh…you look…” She wanted to say, “Is everything alright,” but she knew everything, or nearly everything, was wrong.

“You must be so tired. Look…it’s late. Let me make you a bed on the couch and we can talk tomorrow, okay?”

“No…I’ve got to talk to someone…no…I’ve go to talk to you. I’ve got too much bad to talk about, and
I’m sick of bad….I’ve been wading through pain all day. I’ve got talk…I’m sorry…Please, Adele…there’s something I need to say, and it can wait, I guess but I can’t. Today hurts too much, and I need…”

“Sit down…let me get you a bottle of water…you must be exhausted.”

He would have argued but she walked quickly into the kitchen and back in a few seconds. She grabbed him by the arm and led him to the couch. Only months before even that gesture would have meant something else entirely, but she was solely focused on his needs; not for her sake to get what she wanted, whatever that was, but purely for him.

“Adele…this has been the worst day of my life.” He began.

He would recall later on that it was actually the third worst day; ranking behind the day he lost his leg and the first day of the horror that had been passed like an evil hand-me-down to him and eventually to Vinnie.

“I have to have something good to balance out all the hurt…you know?” She nodded as if she understood. Adele wanted to understand but his words still were filtered through her belief that nothing good could or should come to her, like light through a dirty window. His next words shattered the window and finally let the light shine into her heart.

“I love you. I’ve loved you since we first met. I hated what Rick was doing to you and I wanted so much to tell you that you don’t deserve that…that you didn’t deserve to be treated like you were somehow flawed. You took my breath away the first time you kissed me…the day Rick introduced you and you kissed Mom and me and Vinnie on the cheek.” Adele choked back a sob and put bit her fist.

“I wanted to grab you and shake you… and when I thought that I realized that’s what we’ve been doing all your life…guys…telling you what to do…what to wear…who to talk to. Rick told me…I know he wasn’t supposed to say anything, but he sat at the kitchen table that night after you told him about how you’d been born a guy.”

She winced and her fist fell from her mouth as she gave into the tears. She stood still and he pulled her close, not for romance or sex or his own needs, but because she needed the touch of someone who says I don’t understand but it doesn’t make any difference. The embrace that says you don’t need to run away. She went to wrest herself from his arms, all the while still sobbing. She pounded on his chest but he didn’t unlace his fingers; neither did he tighten his embrace, but his arms just surrounded her.

“You can’t love me…I’m not real…I’m a tramp…I’m a whore…” She was crying loud enough that Jerry and Miri and Giada all walked out of their rooms and down the stairs. Miri went to run to Adele, but Giada put her arm up and locked it against the bannister and mouthed,

“No, it’s okay.” Miri looked at the two and bit her lip as she realized just what was taking place. Jerry sat down on the stairs and began to cry…not because she was a girl or that she realized she was a girl or any of that. She wept because of the pain she knew her sister was releasing; the disappointments and sadness wrought by past neglect and misunderstandings. And the relief she felt because her sister had shown her in this one moment that she had a future as herself.

“You’re not a whore…you’re not a tramp…no matter what anyone ever told you or you thought you saw, you are the most beautiful woman in the world… I love you, and I…” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box.

“I bought this the day we came to fix the house… I knew then, and I hope you know now…that you see yourself as I do… and that you’ll…” He paused, and as awkward as it was, he knelt on his prosthesis and continued.

“You’ll agree to be my wife… Adele, would you marry me?” She looked at the ring in his hand and at his face. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he smiled; his eyes….those eyes…seemed to brighten. Maybe it was the moment; maybe it was the hall light, but she smiled. She reached down and pulled him to his feet. His face turned red and he looked disappointed until she smiled again and spoke.

“Yes, Daniel Pearson… I love you… I still don’t know what you see in me.” She began to cry, but her smile widened and she went on.

“But I love you enough to trust you…I have never been able to trust a man…no one…until you came along. You captured my heart the day you came for the first time…How you paid for my mother’s roof out of your own pocket. I saw your leg… You didn’t try to hide it and yet you did. You see that lack and I see only the heart of courage that caused your loss. You are without a doubt the kindest nicest person I ever met. Yes. Daniel Pearson…Yes.”

She held out her left hand and he place the ring on her finger. Miri started to applaud from the stairway and her mother went to shush her. Danny looked over Adele’s shoulder and smiled and waved as Adele stood close and placed her head on his shoulder. It was different this time… No sorrow, no pain, no bad memories. It felt good, as if his shoulder was designed just for her face.

Giada gazed at her daughter and new son and sighed. Maybe someday she’d rediscover love, but for now, she was at complete peace at her child’s happiness.

Miri stared at Danny and wondered if she’d ever find someone as nice as him; would she be loved?

And Jerry just smiled.

The greatness of your soul
Makes me weep
You're not from here
Not from this here and now
Just a touch of yours
And I fly... and I fly... and I fly

I Kissed a Boy
(and She Kissed a Girl)and I liked it!

It' s the way you love me
It's a feeling like this
It's centrifugal motion
It's perpetual bliss
It's that pivotal moment
It's, ah, impossible
This kiss, this kiss

At the Magliano home…

“Girls...while I have you all here. Apparently the dinner was as much a surprise to him as to me. Do you know anything about it?”

“Gee, Mom…no. Vi just said that we were invited to dinner; all of us.” Miri said, pointing back to Jerry and Adele in a broad gesture.” She smiled when her eyes caught the beginning red glow of Jerry’s cheeks.

“I’m going to call him tomorrow to see what’s going on. The last thing I want to do is to be intrusive. God knows that family’s been through enough.” She stopped and smiled at the irony of her statement. If any family had been ‘through’ enough it had been the Maglianos, between the abuse of her late husband and the gender issues of her oldest and ‘youngest,’ as well as her own recovery from alcohol abuse?

“As far as I know, Vi just wants to have us over; she’s been awfully worried about us.” Miri snuck a glance and noted that Jerry’s head was down. She looked back at her mother and used a sideways glance to indicated Jerry. Giada nodded and shrugged her shoulders.

“Well, in any case, unless something comes up in our conversation, I think it would be a nice gesture for us to go; they’ve been awfully kind to us over the past few years.” Miri nodded enthusiatically while Jerry looked up and offered no gesture at all. Adele sat next to Miri with her head slightly down, gazing at the ring on her left hand.

“I know this is all new to you honey, but unless Danny has something urgent to discuss, I think it would be good for you to come along,” Giada said with an arch of her brow and a glance toward Jerry, who remained nearly oblivious to the conversation.

“Sure, Mom…” Adele said, partly from feeling a new confidence, but also because Jerry needed support more than ever.

“Girls…would you mind if I talked to your sister…just some old mother-new daughter stuff, okay?” Miri smiled and grabbed Adele by the hand, helping her to her feet and quickly up the stairs.

“You can show me the ring, Sis, okay?” She teased as they disappeared. “For the hundredth time.”

---

“Jerry?” Giada sat down next to her and put her arm around the girl. She remained quiet.

“Honey…what are you thinking of?” She cupped the girl’s chin and raised it slightly. Jerry wasn’t crying so much as musing a bit; her eyes were moist, but there was a smile on her face. She looked at her mother and her cheeks grew warm and pink.

“Jerry…what’s wrong?”

“Nothing…oh I don’t know…I was just thinking.” As she described her expression, her face grew redder, almost as if she was embarrassed to continue. Giada hadn’t known her ‘daughter’ all that long, but she had known her child since she had carried her and Miri in her womb.

This kiss, this kiss
You can kiss me in the moonlight
On the rooftop under the sky, oh
You can kiss me with the windows open
While the rain comes pouring inside, oh
Kiss me in sweet slow motion

“You’re thinking about the other day?” Neither needed to elaborate. The kiss between her and Vinnie had been a touchstone in her life; a moment in time where she knew nothing would ever be the same. Softly, she began to cry, but still the smile remained.

“Mom…I don’t know what I am? But I…” She paused and swallowed.

“Go ahead, honey.” A look came across Jerry’s face and she turned her head. Giada had seen that look in all of her girl’s faces too often not to recognize; a look of pain and guilt that never should have been.

“You can say it; I’m okay and you need to talk.”

“I can’t remember a time when I liked me, Mom….Daddy always telling me I was…” She stopped once again and began to sob. Giada put her hand on the girl’s neck and massaged it softly.

“You can say it, Jerry…It’s something we both need to hear so we can let it go, okay?” Years of guilt and shame had been swept aside in Giada’s heart with forgiveness to and from her and the children, but the residual effects still plagued all of her girls.

“Daddy said he wished….” She choked back a sob, and her voice became low and nearly a whisper.

“I know, honey…I know.” Her ex had inflicted nearly irreversible damage on her and the children. She had fought her demons and was stronger than ever before, but the words he spoke, especially to Jerry, still sat on the surface like a scab that wouldn’t heal.

“Say it, Jerry, so we can face it together, okay.” She kissed the girl on the cheek, trying hard not to fall into weeping herself; the girl needed the strength that she had garnered, and only she could point the way.

“He said…he wished I was never born….that I was… wrong.” A simple word; hardly threatening or debilitating In most contexts, but to tell a child he was wrong…a mistake…a cosmic error in a way. Jerry had carried hurt even through all the wondrous and welcome changes she had undergone only in the last few months. Giada stroked her hair and whispered softly,

“You are a treasure… you have such a special place in my heart, honey…. I am so glad that I can hardly find the words to tell you how much you mean to me. God didn’t make a mistake, honey. He made a blessing.” Giada thought for a moment, wondering what she could say to bring the girl hope and understanding. It was then she realized that her off-hand comment about mother and daughter was true; it was the first time they had been brought together as mother and daughter.

“Mom…I feel so strange…like there’s something so different but it doesn’t feel bad…but it should feel bad…like I should…”

“I know, honey. I am so sorry for that.” Giada pulled her close and kissed her cheek, her own sobs beginning to mix with her daughters in a sad duet. Minor keys were all too frequent an expression in the Magliano concerto.

“You spent so much time feeling like a bad boy…like you failed, right?” Jerry couldn’t even speak at that point and nodded weakly.

“You were asked for too long to be what you weren’t. You couldn’t be a boy because you never were, do you understand?” Jerry had placed her face in her mother’s bosom and her sobs shook Giada to her core.

“But you don’t know what it’s like to be a girl because no one ever showed you how. “ Giada caught herself and stifled a sob; her own guilt washing over her like a wave as the undertow threatened to pull her under. She remembered a talk the two had had only a few years before. Her confession to her children had brought weeping and laughter and tears and smiles as they had shown her unconditional forgiveness. She held onto that like a lifepreserver.

“I want you to remember this, honey.” She pulled apart from the girl and looked her in the eye.

“You are a blessing to me and your sisters. No matter how you find yourself…whatever paths you take…”
Jerry knew immediately; her mother’s expression told her that she could be whomever and whatever she knew to be…and that included with whom she chose to be. And whatever they were as well.

“You’re in love….the first love you have ever known, honey. There’s nothing wrong at all with it…nothing wrong at all with you or Vinnie. Nothing wrong with who you are and nothing wrong with who Vinnie is or may become.” Giada shook her head and the tears flowed.

“I am so sorry it took so long to tell you, Jerry. Please forgive me?” She put her right hand to her mouth and bit her index finger to keep from falling completely apart; she was the parent, and she didn’t need her daughter to feel responsible for her pain. God was more than sufficiently dealing with that, and would deal with her daughters’ hearts as well.

“It’s okay…Mom. “ The girl looked once again into her mother’s eyes and Giada could see that it WAS okay…more than okay as the final vestiges of her loving son gave way to the new life of her loving daughter.”

“Oh, Mom…..” The girl pulled her close once again as the two sobbed in each other’s embrace; one more victory for the Magliano family.

---

On the phone with Ben Rubio the following day...

“It would seem that the girls have something cooked up; they won’t talk, and now they’re hardly talking to each other. I’m sorry. It might be too uncomfortable for you, and I certainly would understand if you beg off for Sunday.” Benny said.“Oh, no…it’s fine. Girls do that all the time, but I don’t need to tell you.”

Benny felt oddly relieved at her words. He swallowed hard before continuing.

“Vi told me about Jerry. I wanted to let you know I understand.”

To deny his perception would have been disingenuous and do a disservice to her daughter.
She sighed.

“Thank you; to say it’s been an interesting few months would be an understatement. I’ll talk with Jerry, but thank you for being so kind. You and your wife were so nice to my children when I was…”

“You don’t have to say anything else, Mrs. Magliano. We all have our things we deal with. I’m just glad that it seems we’re all coming out of the….”

“It’s been awfully dark, but it’s gotten so much brighter than it had been.” She hadn’t meant to be so personal with him, but her guard was already down. Tears came to her eyes.

“I’m sorry…”

“No need, Mrs. Magliano.” He said softly. She wanted so much to correct him, thinking,

“Please, Benny, It’s Giada.” She left it unsaid as he continued.

“The girls are really looking forward to you and your girls coming over.” That phrase, ‘your girls,” served to ease her nervousness; she knew that Benny was a good man. He was a great father from the evidence of Violet, and he certainly must have been a great husband, from what the girls had told her. She sighed, a bit louder than she had meant, and he spoke one last time.

“Listen, Mrs. Magliano. Your children mean a lot to my girls; they meant a lot to my wife, and they mean a lot to me. Whatever Jerry needs to do…it will be okay. We support her in this, and I want you to know we want it to be a nice time for you all. I look forward to Sunday and your visit.”

“Okay…Sunday it is. Thanks again. Bye.”

She hung up the phone wondering if she was reading more into the single word, ‘your’ than she should.
Still, from what she knew, no matter what he meant, he was a kind and decent man. It will be a nice, non-threatening afternoon. No implications or expectations other than enjoying good meal with friends.

“Mom?”

“Oh, hi, Jer…how are you, honey?” The interruption was almost welcome since she really didn’t need to deal with the complications of a budding infatuation.

“Okay…was that Mr. Rubio?”

“Yes…as a matter of fact, it’s good that you’re here. I needed to talk to you about
Sunday.” She hoped that everything would be alright; the child was already wound very tight, and she worried that the attention; even well-meant and kind, would be too embarrassing to her.

“Okay…” She went to the couch and sat down, followed quickly as Giada sat down next to her.

“Mr. Rubio knows about you…about YOU,” she nodded as Jerry’s widened.

“OH….what…Vi must have told him. Mom…I feel so… I don’t know…out of place?” She pouted at her inability to describe her feelings.

“You’re between two worlds right now, honey, and you want to know which way to go?” Giada took a stab and the girl winced at little; not at the statement, but again feeling inadequate about her ambivalence.

“Honey…just know that you’ll be among folks who love you, no matter who shows up, do you understand?”

“Yes…” She put her head down and shuddered ever so little, but Giada noticed.

“What is it, honey? Are you okay?” Jerry lifted her head and smiled through the tears.

“Yes…I just remembered something, Mom…something that you just…well, thinking about Mr. Rubio?”

“Yes?”

“Miri and me were over at their house….I think this was when Adele was trying to figure things out…? Anyway, it was right after Mrs. Rubio died. I was I think eleven…? We were in the girl’s room, and they were using me…” Jerry started to laugh softly.

“What’s funny, Jerry?” Giada knew it was a good memory.

“I didn’t realize at the time…it’s funny now, but it didn’t feel funny then…but it didn’t feel bad, either.”

“What, honey?”

“Miri and Vi and Cindy were dressing me up like their personal Barbie…like I was a girl…like I was a girl.” The moment caught up to her and Jerry began to cry.

“It’s okay, honey…it’s okay.” Giada grabbed her hands and began to stroke them softly. She began again,

“Mr. Rubio…you know it was just after Mrs. Rubio died?”

“Yes, honey, I know.”
“He was walking past the room and he looked in; like he was checking up on us or something. Well, he looks straight at me and I thought I was going to die. He stares at me for a moment…then…”

“What, honey?” Giada feared the worst until Jerry continued.

“He smiled…like the smile was just for me and he says, ‘You girls having a party? I’ll go get some soda and some cookies, okay?’ ‘You girls…’ It was like he knew…I didn’t even know, Mom?”

“I see...” Giada hadn’t meant to be selfish, but she lapsed into musing about the coming weekend and how special it might prove for all of the family. This man was growing very, very big in front of her, and she shook her head once again to banish any romantic notion that was trying to invade her heart.

“You think about what you need to do for yourself; everyone there will be supporting you honey, but I think you already know what’s best for you, right?”

“I do, Mom…I’m just afraid…being a girl in my own house is one thing. But out there?” She pointed in the direction of the front of the house.

“I don’t know…I’m just so scared.” She began to cry again and Giada pulled her into herself.

“It’s okay…you’re almost like a little girl…not going on fifteen, and you’ve got a lot of catching up to do. I promise there won’t be a pop quiz or a test other than the ones you put on yourself, honey. Just take it as it comes and try to remember how much God and Miri and Adele and I and your friends all love you, okay?”

“Okay, Mom…” She squeezed in between sobs before falling back into her mother’s arms and weeping loudly. Miri came running downstairs and screamed.

“What’s wrong, Mom…what’s wrong? Is Jerry okay?” She had heard the sobbing even before the sound reached her room, the connection between twins, I suppose. Giada looked at Miri and smiled.

“Everything is just fine, honey. “ She patted the couch on the cushion on her other side. Miri walked over and sat down, her eyes beginning to fill with tears. She didn’t know why she was crying, but she knew it was part of being a sister, a twin, a daughter, and even more than ever, a young woman in complete empathy with the girl sitting on the other side of their mother. She looked up into Giada’s face and her mother smiled and repeated softly,

“Everything is just fine.”

---

At the Rubio home on Sunday after dinner...

The three Magliano girls and the two Rubio girls held court at the Rubio house hold.

“What was it like?” Cindy smiled and leaned closer. The girls were sitting in a circle on the bedroom floor.

“It…” Jerry’s face grew warm and she turned toward the wall.

“It’s okay…we’re all girls here.” Vi said softly as she touched Jerry’s shoulder. She turned and faced her sister and Vi and Cindy and continued.

“It was…just…nice.” There were few words in the girl’s new dictionary. She had been used to other things meant for other people; a girl in a boy’s body in a boy’s world. So she had few ideas of how to explain how she felt.

“It looks special…your face…it lit up when you said nice,” Adele said. “You never have had anything like that happen…and it was like you said…just nice.” Adele sighed. Her first kiss had been rough and accomodating and altogether painful. She was thrilled that Jerry’s first kiss had been tender and kind and brand-new.

“It was nicer than anything I’ve ever felt…” She paused but the sweetness was lost in sorrow and guilt.

“What’s wrong?” Miri asked with her hand gripping Jerry’s tight. She thought she knew, and she learned a moment later her instincts were right on.

“I don’t know…who kissed whom?” Jerry began to cry.

“You kissed Vinnie, right…or maybe Vinnie kissed you. What’s the difference?” Vi looked puzzled until Adele answered, probably from experience.

“She’s not sure if she kissed a boy or a girl, am I right, Jer?” The girl turned and nodded and began to cry. “It’s okay, Jerry. It doesn’t make any difference.” Cindy said; her own experience, perhaps limited to fantasy and dreams alone, spoke softly.

“It…it is?” Jerry had forgotten just whose house they were visiting.

“I kissed Tommy Mileki when I was seven,” Vi said. It was fun…but it wasn’t the kind of kiss you just said. But when I kissed Monica for the first time…just nice.” She used Jerry’s words.

“Vinnie is who Vinnie is…he…she? Vinnie just doesn’t know yet. But you know who you are, honey. And that’s the most important part.” Miri smiled and wiped away her sister’s tears with her hankie.

“No matter how Vinnie turns out, nothing will change how special your kiss was. It doesn’t matter to anyone but Vinnie who Vinnie is. You’ll be okay. Just remember that you both probably don’t know what you like at this moment, so the kiss is what it is…the first of many…maybe between you two…maybe with others, but you’re both blessed with that first moment.” Adele said softly.

Never before then had she felt like a big sister. Always the interloper; even in her own home…even after the surgery, she had felt like the boy pretending to be a girl. But now, faced with her sister’s needs, she realized just how much all of them had changed. Their mother may have given birth to a girl and two boys, but she had three daugthers.

Jerry looked at the girls and smiled. She had her own moment of discovery, and she felt she had arrived, in a way, at womanhood. And the girls, of course, knew she had as they showered her with hugs.

---

Meanwhile...

“It’s been an odd and a bit painful journey for the girls, but between counseling and my efforts, I hope they’re coming through okay.” Benny said as he offered Giada more tea. She shook her head no.
“No…to the tea, Mr. Rubio…not to what you said. I don’t know Cindy well, but Vi has been such a good friend to Mir and Jer….they just adore her.”

“Thanks, and please, call me Benny or Ben, okay?”

“Well, just as long as you call me Giada…Ben?” She smiled and hoped she wasn’t blushing. She was.

“It’s really like the children supported each other. Between my loss and yours….” He paused and shook his head.

“I’m sorry…I presume too much…please forgive me.”

“No worries…it’s true…even though we were divorced, it still was very painful to learn he had died. Like all the things we ever hoped for had died, and when he died too, they would never be resurrected.”

“Wow…that sounds so hard…”

“When your wife died I felt so bad about not reaching out to you…” She had felt uncomfortable about being single and reaching out to a married man who was soon to be widowed. Even in the midst of his own pain he had made room for her twins, and that spoke volumes to her…perhaps too much even now.

“You had so much of your own sadness to deal with. And what’s past is past. We’re here, now, and things are good. Oh, I’m sorry; I’m speaking for you again.” Benny blushed.

“It is good. I have three lovely daughters and you have two equally beautiful girls.” She leaned across the table and patted his hand instinctively, causing them to flinch at the same time.

“Yes…lovely.” Benny said as he looked at the woman before him. Perhaps viewing a woman in that way for the first time since his wife passed, Benny was entirely taken, as they say, with Giada Magliano.

“Oh…yes…” She nodded, not even realizing what she was agreeing to.

“Okay, you two…get a room.” Vi said as the girls came walking into the dining room.

“Anything for desert?” Cindy asked as she sat down next to her father.

“Oh…we’ve got some ice cream, and….”

“Relax, Dad…I’ve got it from here,” Cindy said. She kissed her father on the cheek before walking into the kitchen.

“Okay…Ice cream it is.”

---

On the Rubio porch later that evening...

“It was nice that you and your girls came over. It was fun.” While he made it his goal in life to see his daughters well adjusted and happy; it had been a long time since he had fun.

“Well, it was nice, Ben. Thank you for inviting us.” She laughed and he joined in at the joke. She leaned closer to him and kissed him lightly on the cheek; a gesture she immiately regretted as they hurriedly pulled apart. She didn’t say ‘sorry;’ that would have been more embarrassing. Instead she called into the house,

“Girls, it’s time to go.” A moment later Adele and Jerry came walking out with Vi close behind. In the front hallway of the house, Cindy leaned against the wall, trying her best to act nonchalant.

“This was fun…it was nice to get to know you more…I spend so much time with Vi I forget sometimes about you, and I’m sorry for that.”

Cindy shrugged as if to say, ‘no worries.’

“Even so, I’m awfully glad we came today.” Miri leaned closer and went to kiss Cindy on the cheek. Whether by design or by accident, the girl turned her head and their lips met. They kissed for only a few moments until Miri pulled back, her face hot with embarrassment. She shook her head slightly, more over her own feelings than the moment but Cindy took it the wrong way.

“I’m…..I’m so sorry.” She pushed past Miri and ran down the hall. Miri watched her enter her room before turning around and heading out onto the porch. She pushed past her mother and nearly knocked Jerry down as she ran down the steps.

“What’s that all about?” Jerry asked. Adele looked at Mr. Rubio and her mother before looking past them into the open doorway.

“I think I know…we’ll talk about it when we get home. Thanks Mr. Rubio…thanks Vi…see you soon.”

“You’re welcome,” Ben said as they walked off the porch and down the street toward their car.

“You’re welcome.

---

That night at the Magliano home...

“Miri, honey? Can I come in?” Giada asked at the doorway to her room. She looked up from her pillow.

“Yes….please, Mommy…” Miri hardly ever used that word. It was serious even if it was normal.

“What’s bothering you, honey?” Not what’s wrong, or what’s the problem; it wasn’t a problem other
than that it hurt bad, and she was fairly sure that Adele’s take on it was right on.

“I…I kissed Cindy.” She began to cry again, and Giada sat down on the bed beside her. She leaned over and tosseled her hair.

“And you didn’t like it?” A question already obviously answered, from a mother’s perspective.

“No….I did.” The girl dissolved into sobs as her mother patted her back.

“I know, honey, I know.”

---

And at the Rubio home...

“It’s all your fault…if you hadn’t invited them.” Cindy sobbed and tried to shrug off her sister’s hug. Vi draped herself over Cindy and hugged her anyway.

“It’s okay…I know her…she doesn’t hate you.”

“I know she doesn’t hate me, Vi…that’s not why I’m crying.”

“Then what is it?” Vi winced in antcipation; they had had too many conversations already for her to forget what was in her sister’s heart.

“What if she…doesn’t love me?”

“I don’t know, honey….I don’t know.”

This kiss, this kiss
It's the way you love me baby
It's the way you love me darlin'

Healing Happens

You might as well have been tied down…
tied down to a rail road track
You might as well have been pushed off
Niagara Falls in a paper sack
You might as well have been locked out
pushed down or held back
You might as well have been subjected to
something that you could not hack

St. Luke’s Urgent Care Center…the following morning…

“Mr. Pearson?” Natalia La Rue, the night nurse, called from the nurse’s station as Danny walked on the ward.

“Yes?” He shuddered as he noticed the urgent and disturbed look on the nurse’s face.

“We had a problem last night with your brother.” She said, touching his arm. He turned quickly to face Vinnie’s room and she grabbed his wrist. “He…started having memories…” She looked over at the room before continuing.

“He’s okay...Dr. Jacobs ordered a sedative and the neuropsych doc and he are going to be dropping by about nine or so." Danny started to step away and she gripped his arm, but her tone was soft; almost soothing as she spoke.

“Vinnie told me a bit about what happened to him…and you and your brother. I’m sorry to have found that out for the sake of your privacy, but I know what you and your brothers are going through…you know?” She glanced down at herself quickly in indication before continuing.

“Last night he started calling out in his sleep; very agitated. When I got to the room he was lying flat on his back asleep, eyes closed with his hands outstretched as if he was trying to fight off something.” She bit her lip as Danny winced.

“There’s more….he kept yelling ‘Daddy…Daddy.’”

“You know that my father was murdered…my brother is the chief…the only suspect at this point.”

“Yes…but that’s what I want to talk to you about.” She kept looking over at the room. She pulled Danny sideways so they were still a distance from Vinnie’s room, but could look into it from the side hallway by the family area; almost as if she was keeping a vigil or even more so, being a sentinel.

“He stopped for a few seconds and began to cry…then he said…’” she stifled a sob.

“’Daddy…he’s hurting me!’”

“Yes…I know…my father…you just said that.”

“No…not my Daddy is hurting me!” She shook her head in frustration. Danny looked once again into Vinnie’s room. Natalia shook his arm and said finally,

“NO…not ‘my Daddy is hurting me’ but Daddy….HE’s hurting me!’”

“What?” Danny knew what she was trying to say, but his words begged for her to be wrong,

“He was crying….over and over…I’m sorry, but it wasn’t just your father.” She led Danny to the family room to sit down, but kept an eye on the room.

“He was awake by then, and started crying to the point of hysterics. After he got the sedative, he calmed down. Dr. Jacobs felt…” She sighed and nodded.

“Dr. Jacobs felt a strong enough sedative to keep him calm and sleeping through the night was necessary. We tried to reach you, but your cell didn’t receive any messages.” Danny quickly pulled out his cell phone and noticed he’d run out of minutes.

“I’m sorry…I just lost track of everything.” He shook his head before looking through the glass back at Vinnie’s room. At that moment he saw a tall man dressed in scrubs enter the room.

“Isn’t Dr. Jacobs coming later?” Danny said as he stood; the hair on his neck started to rise.

“Why yes, he’s taking a break since it’s his long shift.”

“Son of a bitch…” Danny brushed past her as gently but quickly as possible. As he approached the room he heard Vinnie screaming. Picking up the pace, he sprinted to the door, finding the man standing over the bed with something in his hand.

“Hey, what the fuck are you doing?” He yelled as he halved the distance between him and the man in a single stride. The man turned and a look of panic crossed his face. He had a syringe in his hand, which he quickly dropped as he tried to push past Danny. He had at least seven inches in height on Danny, but his adrenaline hadn’t kicked in and Danny’s had. A second later Danny was on top of him, hitting him in the face with his fists.

“Mr. Pearson…Mr. Pearson…Danny!” He heard someone calling from behind as if out of a fog. A moment later two large hands pulled him gently off the unconscious figure on the floor.

“We’ll take it from here,” the Security Officer said as he and another officer picked the man off the floor and bound the man’s wrists with zip-ties. Natalia stood behind the man, breathing heavy and crying. The day nurse stood next to her holding her and talking softly in her ear. Danny stepped back and saw Vinnie lying sideways on the bed, throwing. He rushed over.

“Vin…Vinnie?” Danny shouted as his brother turned over, his face white and crusted with vomit. He looked up and saw Danny and began to sob. Danny strode quickly to the bed and pulled Vinnie up into a hug. The boy was limp and sobbing softly,

“Why, Daddy…why.” Danny looked at his brother’s face and finally lost it; every bit of hurt and anger and sadness and pain came flooding back to him and he began weeping alongside Vinnie in a horrific duet of shame and hurt.

The day nurse motioned for yet another nurse and mouthed, “Call Dr. Jacobs…” while she handed Natalia over to her. She then walked over to Danny and Vinnie, putting her hand on Danny’s shoulder.

“Mr. Pearson…why don’t you sit down next to the bed, okay?” She lowered the safety rail and Danny leaned over onto the bed and wept harder than he had ever as the nurse just shook her head and blinked out her own tears.

But you’ve been rescued, rescued from the dark of the night
You’ve been rescued, taking heed of the light
It ain't no accident when you repent
You get rescued!

---

St. Louis County Jail…that evening…

“Are you okay?” It was Rick’s turn to be concerned, and he was; likely the result of the wake-up call he had received from his conscience.

“I’m…I’m alright…not great…but alright.” Danny said, blinking back the remainder of the tears he cried on the way to the jail. Things would get better over time, but all three brothers and their mother would be dealing with the horror that had visited the family.

“How’s Vinnie holding up?” Rick actually decided in mid-sentence to say ‘Vinnie’ instead of ‘little brother,’ wanting to be serious and caring. Something so small and really unnecessary for anyone else was a huge step for Rick who was becoming more human moment by moment.

“The doctors are encouraged. They think my being there when he was attacked will help him feel safer, but it’s so…I mean what did he ever do to deserve this?” Danny put his head down and began to weep. Rick tapped on the glass, earning the glare of the correction officer by the door. He pointed to Danny’s downcast figure and the guard nodded.

“Danny…it’s not just him…or me….look at what he did to you…The bastard drove you to leave…we had it easy.” Rick shook his head and bit his lip. If merely meant merely getting molested, then he was right, since Danny took more beatings than the other brothers combined from where Rick sat.

“You would have never enlisted. Fuck…you were going to go to fucking college….” Rick looked down thru the plexiglass partition at Danny’s leg; the prosthesis covered by some jeans.

“I’m such a fucking waste of flesh…at least you were there to save him.” Rick began to cry. Too much guilt and shame shared by too few siblings over acts committed upon them by someone who was supposed to take care of them…treasure them. Danny looked up and sighed.

You might as well have been hanging
upside down from the treetop of a broken branch
You might as well have been chased down
a mountain by an avalanche
You might as well have been turned off
stepped on or held back
You might as well have been shipwrecked
shot down by a surprise attack

“No…Rick, please. We all need forgiveness and we all need to love each other…and Mom…now more than ever, okay? I love you, and we’ll get you out of here…I swear it.” Danny looked away, trying to gain some composure.

“Oh for Christsakes, Danny…my lawyer called. The fucker confessed. The fucker caved after he got caught…couldn’t argue with a fucking syringe with potassium chloride and his fucking prints. He and …I’m not going to say it…I’m sorry.” Rick’s eyes began to tear once again; his own memories of betrayal and hurt reaching into his heart.

“Rick…I…It’s okay…he’s fucking dead and gone…he can’t hurt us anymore! The guy and…they hurt Vinnie…and two other kids in their neighborhood. The bastard owed the fucker money and he got popped for it…they matched the prints on the magazine to the guy…I’m getting’ outta here as soon as they process the papers.” Rick stopped and started to shake and weep.

“Danny….if he hadn’t killed Daddy…I fucking would have…I would have killed him if I had to do it with my bare hands…I’m so sorry….I’m so sorry.” Rick put his head against the glass and began to sob.

“Ricky…please…I woulda been there right next to you….I hated him…not for what he did to me…fuck…after Afghanistan? You lose a body part and things get clearer. I hated him for what he did to Mommy and you and Vinnie…especially Vinnie…” Danny thought about Vinnie’s talks with him and the whole issue of gender. Did he have a baby brother or a baby sister? He thought better of it; Vinnie needed to sort that out, and if Rick was to know anything, it would have to be from Vinnie, not him.

“I am so sorry, Danny…please forgive me…I couldn’t bear it if you hated me still.”

“Ricky…no…don’t I don’t hate you…I love you…You’re my brother, okay?” Danny put his palm against the glass and Rick did the same; almost but not quite touching, which ironically paralleled their real life.

“Hey, Pearson…get your hand off the glass…we hate to have to clean it.” Rick shuddered at the remark by the Correction Officer until he turned to see the man pointing at the door where his lawyer stood with a paper held above his head; smiling a very toothy and satisfied smile.

But you’ve been rescued, rescued
From the dark of the night
You’ve been rescued, rescued
From the dark of the night
It ain’t no accident when you repent
You get Rescued!

Life Takes a Turn for the Nurse!

Jealous of the girl who caught your eye
One of my darker days
When you looked at her where was I?
Shoulda been in her place
Here I am
All alone imagining what could have been
If I had been there

Sunday morning at the hospital…

Danny walked to the nurses’ station with a calm look about him; belying the turmoil the whole family was feeling from the previous day’s events. A familiar face smiled and greeted him.

“Hi, Mr. Pearson…Danny…” She sighed and turned to Patty, her day replacement.

“I’m heading out, Patty, okay?” Patty nodded and Natalia stepped around the counter and grabbed Danny’s arm softly.

“Do you have a minute before you see your brother?” Danny looked at her hand on his arm and back at her.

“Sure.” She led him into the family area and sat them both down on the couch.

“What’s up,” Danny asked, trying not to look too nervous. Natalia was an attractive woman; that was certain. He worried about what she wanted even as she began to speak.

“I wanted to tell you how much I admire you…how brave you were with your brother.” She started to blush, which was like a yawn to Danny, and he began to blush as well.

“He’s my brother…I had to save him.” He said it almost nonchalantly as he looked over at Vinnie’s room.

“Oh…that’s not what I meant. Of course you’d save your brother. That’s the type of man I would have
expected you to be, especially in light of your service.” She hadn’t meant to, but she focused on his prosthetic leg that was exposed at the ankle. Her face darkened even more, but she continued.

“I meant when you sat next to your brother last night and held him and cried. I don’t know if you realize this, but you were sitting there like that for nearly an hour. Most men wouldn’t last ten minutes…maybe even less.” She put her hand on his arm and he pulled away slightly at her touch.

“This has affected you, hasn’t it,” he asked, trying to change the subject, but his question was indeed part of the topic for discussion, so to speak.

“I’m a survivor. A few years ago, I was attacked outside. I was doing an evening shift, so I got off at one or so…in the morning.” She began to tear up. Danny wanted to hold her but felt awkward and a bit more nervous. He grabbed her hand and held it.

“My ex couldn’t handle it…he…just couldn’t, and he left…So I know about how hard this is. So yes, Danny, you were brave in my book.” She smiled nervously and stood and Danny followed.

“I don’t want to keep you, but I had to tell you that…your family needs you and I know that they’re in good hands.” She hugged him and kissed him on the cheek. At that moment, another familiar face stood at the doorway to the family room, looking nervous and a bit upset.

“Danny?” Adele didn’t want to be jealous, but with her history of insecurity, coupled with the scene she’d just witnessed, who wouldn’t.

“Hi, honey,” Danny said; feeling trapped and rescued at the same time. He looked at her eyes, which were beginning to fill with tears. Turning to Natalia, he stood motionless, searching for words. He hadn’t meant to lead her on, had he? He bit the inside of his cheek and his face began to darken.

“Adele?” Natalia said with a grin. Adele stared at Natalia before smiling.

“Natalia…gosh…” She leaned closer, almost inspecting Natalia before stepping closer and hugging her tightly.

“So this is the guy you’ve been telling me about?” Natalia laughed softly as she turned and looked at Danny, whose face had lighted only somewhat.

“Yep…this is the man I am going to marry.” She stepped back before holding her arms open in welcome.

“I’m sorry?” Danny didn’t mean to be confused, but it was confusing none the less.

“Natalia is sister to one of my best friends….was…” She sighed.

“My brother and Adele…when she was Anthony…were good friends. He couldn’t handle the change, and they haven’t talked since. And when I was hurt, Adele was one of the few people I could talk to.” She looked at Adele and smiled.

“I’m sorry if I left you with any other impression, but I can see how it would look, Danny. You are a very attractive guy and I can honestly say that if you weren’t attached? But I could see in your eyes how…” She paused for a second.

“You were worried about hurting me…” She smiled. Adele stepped closer and hugged him.

“I’m sorry for mistrusting you. You’re the best thing to happen to me in my whole life, and I am so sorry.”

It was more than Danny could take. Between all of the things that had happened in the past week and then this, he just shook his head and put his hand to his face; almost shamed at the tears that streamed down his cheeks. He had been strong for everyone except himself and it took a silly misunderstanding to get him to feel for him for a change. Adele pulled him closer, stroking the back of his neck.

“It’s okay…honey…I’m here.” She spoke softly in his ear. Natalia stepped back toward the door and waved, mouthing silently,

“I’ll be outside, honey, okay?”

Adele nodded and Natalia walked out of the room.

Jealous of the one who won your heart
They say it's a perfect match
She's gonna get to be where you are
And I don't get better than that
She'll say you're fine
Whisper words I wish were mine

---

The Rubio house…that same afternoon…

“That certainly was a lovely meal, Mr. Rubio.” Giada said.

“Please, call me Ben.” Benny said softly. He blushed a bit, causing Violet to speak up,

“Jeez, fellas, get a room!” She looked away and smiled but shook her head and looked down.

“Ohmygod!” She thought as she looked back. It was almost like watching a movie; even to the point where everything seemed to be going in slow motion. Her father and the girls’ mother were trying very hard not to make eye contact.

“Cindy…hey!” She whispered to her sister, using her eyes to ‘point’ to the couple sitting across the table from each other.

“OHMYGOD!” Cindy mouthed silently. Jerry picked up on the look and stared at Ben before doing the same ‘eye-pointer’ with Miri who just put her head on her hand on the table and sighed.

“Hey, who wants to play Barbie with me?” Violet said, pointing to Jerry with a grin.

“Hey…that’s a great idea, sis!” Cindy said as she chewed the scenery in her best theater voice.

“Dad, can we be excused?” Violet asked. Benny lo0ked nervous; he hadn’t planned on spending any one-to-one with Giada; at least not so soon. Giada smiled and patted Jerry’s hand.

“I think that’s a great idea, girls, what do you think, honey?” She looked at Jerry.

“I don’t know if I’m ready for that.”

“Oh, come on, Jer…it’ll be fun.” Cindy said.

“Yeah,” Jerry said,” but for who?”

“For whom, sis, for whom.” Miri teased, grabbing Jerry by the hand. In a moment the three were running down the hall, pulling Jerry along. A moment later the silence grew ‘loud’ and Giada looked at Ben and smiled.

“Are you as nervous as I am?” She smiled and looked back at the hallway, as if the girls would return any moment.

“I don’t know. Did you put salt in your iced tea like me?” He laughed nervously and she smiled once again, reaching across the table to grab his hand.

“Sounds like we’re both a bit afraid. Let me say this before we go any further. My children have been through hell, and if it weren’t for you and your wife, I don’t know where we’d be right now. Even after she passed, you gave them such strength. And there’s hardly a man I know who would welcome Jerry into his house considering what she’s going through. No matter what happens? I would love to get to know you better, Mr. Benjamin Rubio, okay.” She smiled again and he sighed before answering.

“When my wife died, I wondered what it was God was trying to tell me, you know? I’d been as good a husband and father as I knew, and it felt like he just took her away. But I remembered what a great woman she was and a wonderful person. I wanted to be as good as I could be, and her death pushed me forward instead of pull me back…does that make any sense?”

“Of course…you showed Jerry and Miri that when you took care of them when I was in rehab; and you didn’t even know me. You and I have had things happen to us…a lot of what happened to me was my own fault.” Benny went to argue but she put her hand up.

“It’s true, Ben…my kids suffered because I drank. I drank to forget. I drank to feel better…I drank not to feel…you know. When I got out…it was like being given a second chance. To be a mother. To be…”

“A woman?” Ben took her hand gently into his and rubbed the back of it slowly. He was running on something; a fuel to emotion that he hadn’t felt for a long time. He wanted to pull back; to take it slow; to be cautious, but something, maybe everything in him said this was right. If not the thing itself, at least a look at what could be. He squeezed her hand and smiled.

“We’ve got nothing to be worried about or ashamed. If you don’t mind, I’d really like to see you again.”

“I think I’d like that, Benjamin Rubio, I really do.” Giada said with a big smile.

“Please, call me Benny.”

---

At the hospital…at about the same time…

“Thank you for everything, Natalia.” Danny said. Adele hugged her and smiled.

“I’ll call you…” She pointed to the ring on her finger. “I’ll need some help, you know?” Natalia smiled.

“Thank…thank you, Natalia,” Vinnie said weakly. Natalia stooped down, not to talk to him like a child, but to meet him face to face as he sat in the wheelchair.

“You call me tomorrow, and I want you to call me after you talk with your therapist, okay. I care about you. After all, you’re almost family.” She kissed him on the cheek and stood up. After the all exchanged several hugs, Danny hit the button to the elevator and a moment later the three were gone. Natalia stared at the elevator doors for a few moments before stepping back.

She was very attracted to Danny, but he was taken; and in good hands, she thought. It was more of feeling alone again; with no love or comfort on the horizon. While she remained somewhat cordial with her ex, he had remarried. So there she was; expending too much energy on someone else’ problems and hurts like many folks in health care do. And no hope of finding someone. Yet.

You know I'd fight the good fight
If I thought I'd change your mind
But if she makes you happy
I would leave that dream behind
Man, she better treat you right
And give you everything
Cause at the moment she doesn't
I'll be waiting in the wings

That's Okay; We're All Girls Here!

I'm strong
But I break
I'm stubborn
And I make plenty of mistakes
Yeah I'm hard
And life with me is never easy

At the Magliano home…early Sunday evening…

“We’re going over to the Pearson’s to welcome Vinnie home. You ready to go?” Miri walked through Jerry’s open door to find ‘him’ sitting on the bed, undoing in just a few moment what Vi’s and Cindy’s work had done in several hours. Between the two of them, the Rubio sisters had worked magic that afternoon, and both twins looked like models; not the super models you see on cable or in catalogs, but the pretty ordinary girls you might see in a Kohl’s or T.J. Maxx flyer. But no longer.

“Jerry…what the fuck.” Her eyes widened in surprise, which quickly turned angry as her brother sat on the bed, an awkward doppelganger to her newly acquired sister. What little growth had taken place over the past several weeks was lost as Jerry had done a quick number on his head with the clippers,
leaving him looking somewhat punk but very sad.

“I’m…I’m sorry…Mir…“ He threw himself backward onto his pillow and stared at the ceiling.

“Why, Jer….?” Miri ran to the bed and sat down. Her anger had quickly faded, only to be replaced by a sad frown.

“He…Mir…I’m so confused.”

“Whaddaya mean?”

“Vin…I don’t know how I feel because I don’t know what I feel?” He turned away, looking at a long abandoned baseball glove hanging off his clothes peg on the closet.

“I don’t understand.”

“He’s…too much like me. He may be a boy, but he…Oh, shit…” He put his arm over his eyes and began to cry.

“Jer…what do you mean? I don’t understand.”

“If he’s a girl…what does that make me?” He looked at her and she understood, even If she didn’t agree.

Someday
When we're at the same place
When we're on the same road
When it's OK to hold my hand
Without feeling lost
Without all the excuses

“So…you can’t be a girl if he is?” She sighed. She wasn’t so much angry as frustrated. “Jerry…” She began, but shook her head. She grabbed his hand in both of hers and rubbed them gently.

“You and I have been closer lately than any other time in our lives…I have never seen you so happy and so ...relaxed…like you’re figuring out who you are. You get that right, and it doesn’t matter if Vinnie’s a girl or a boy or a Cylon….You’ll fit the way you’re supposed to. Come on.”

“I can’t…it hurts too much…Mir…it’s like when my shoes didn’t fit in second grade. You know?”

“Yeah…things were changing too fast for your clothes to catch up. Is that what’s happenin’?”

“Not my body….my heart is changing, Mir and it hurts…maybe even more than when Daddy was hittin’ mommy….you know…this hurts more because I feel like I have to be something for everybody. It was nice that you did that today…you and the girls…but I don’t even know who I am. You’re asking me what mascara I like and I don’t even know if I’m supposed to wear mascara.”

‘Jerry…stop…you should be wearin’ mascara, but it’s not about makeup…it’s not about who you like or don’t. It’s about who you are. And you know you’re a girl. You do, right?” Miri was almost pleading, not for Jerry to make a decision, but to feel okay about the one she had already made; feeling okay about who she was no matter what anyone else felt. Miri had never felt closer to Jerry and yet she had never felt this helpless either.

“I…I hate me.” He put his hand over his face and sobbed.

“NO…no…..no.” Miri lay down next to Jerry on the bed and began to sob alongside her erstwhile sister.

“Don’t…please, Jer…please don’t...” The two clung to each other, as close as they could, just like the times when they were little and would hide in their bedroom closet when their father would get into one of his raging moods.

“How about a new name….maybe that will help.” A voice came from the doorway. Adele had returned from the hospital to get ready for the welcome home for Vinnie over at the Pearson’s. She knelt down next to the bed and began to stroke her sister’s hair. The new one. Miri looked up and smiled through her tears.

“I could have chosen Antoinette…you know? But I needed a change from the past…that name would have been all wrong because it still would have been Daddy’s name. But you…Geraldine? I don’t think so.

“What about Willa, after Willa Cather?” Miri said, citing their mother’s favorite author; “Oh, Pioneer” being her favorite book. Jerry shook her head no; being slowing brought back into membership in the Magliano sorority of four.

“I know…how about Rina, after Rina Decker…you know? Faye Kellerman’s family of detectives?” Even though all the Magliano women were big mystery fans, a mild shrug from Jerry set that choice aside as well.

“I know…how about….”

“How about Elena?” They looked up to see Giada standing in the doorway with a tray with a tea pot and cups. She smiled as her daughters nodded one by one until Jerry looked at her. She was almost apologetic as the last vestiges of her male self held on. Giada walked over and placed the tray on the desk before kneeling down next to Adele.

“I loved my sons more than life itself. I had to let Anthony go so that Adele could live. I have to let Jerome go now, honey,” she said softly as she stroked Jerry’s face. Adele put her head on Giada’s shoulder and began to cry. She put her hand on her back and squeezed her neck gently.

“It’s okay, baby…it’s okay.” Miri smiled at her mother and did the same for Jerry, who looked at her mother.

“Me…named after Aunt Elena?” The honor was too much for the girl to take in; their favorite aunt gone all too soon over in the war that spared Danny Pearson. She put her head down and began to weep, but reached over and grabbed her mother’s free hand, squeezing.”

“And now we are four,” Giada said as tears streamed down her cheeks. “And now we are four. Giada Bettina, Adele Marie, Mirella Elizabeth, and now Elena?” She waited for the newest woman of the Magliano family to speak.

“Elena Fiorella…after Nana, okay?”

“Okay”

To figure out, to love
I'm jaded but oh so lovely
All you have to do is hold me
And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be
If you'll trust me, love me, let me
Maybe, maybe

---

Meanwhile…at the Pearson’s home…

“Whatddaya mean, you don’t want a party.” Rick was still Rick, and was a bit impatient with Vinnie. It was very understandable that Vinnie was reluctant to receive company so soon after returning home from the hospital. The week’s events had been exhausting to say the least, but he was really worried about a specific visitor.

“I’m not ready!” He said, looking at the front door as if the guests would be entering right then and there.

“Nonsense,” his mother said as she walked into the living room. She was doing much better with both her oldest and youngest at home once again.

“These are your friends.” She paused, remembering her tendency to dismiss her children’s feelings.’

“Vinnie…I’m sorry for ….” She began to tear up, remember as well that she had pressured him into spending time with his father.

“Mom…don’t.” Vinnie said it softly, not as a rebuke, but as permission for her to forgive herself.

“It’s okay. I…I just.”

I'm confusing as hell
I'm north and south
And I'll probably never have it all figured out
But what I know is I wasn't meant to walk this world without you
And I promise I'll try
Yeah I'm gonna try to give you every little part of me
Every single detail you missed with your eyes
Then maybe
Maybe, yeah maybe

“Mom…Vinnie and I need to go upstairs for a bit…you recall our conversation about him seeing the therapist.” Danny stood over Vinnie behind the couch and squeezed his brother’s shoulder.

“You mean….the…girl thing?” She said it with reluctance; not because she didn’t want to deal with Vinnie’s gender issues, but because it was all too new, and one more new thing to deal with in a week of new tragedy and new hurt. Maybe the last thing she needed was new confusion.

“Mommy…I’m not even sure. I just know I have to see if this is who I’m supposed to be.” He pointed to the stairwell, as if it was leading to change. She nodded, almost as if she was sending him off to camp.

“Okay.” She smiled. “Don’t be long.”

The doorbell rang; company was an hour early.

“Oh…that should be Adele. She’s coming over early to help Vinnie.” Danny walked to the door and greeted his fiancé’ with a kiss before ushering her in. She went immediately to Estelle and gave her a big hug. As she pulled away, she kissed her on the cheek.

“Thank you.” Estelle said, looking at Danny. “You’ll make him very happy…you already have.” She stepped back and noticed Rick standing at the kitchen door. He turned away; blushing a bright red. Danny smiled at her and nodded.

“Rick…it’s okay…really.” She touched his arm and he went to pull away. She grabbed his wrist and said softly,

“Ricky…it’s okay…I forgive you.” It was too much for him to handle even if it was a great thing. He smiled at her and nodded, receiving, he felt, what he never deserved. Which is probably as it should be, but never the less, he smiled at Danny before walking out the back door. Adele looked at Danny who just nodded and smiled again.

“He’ll be okay…he’s not used to being human, is all.”

“Adele?” Estelle said softly.

“Yes, Mrs. Pearson?”

“Please, call me mom or something like that?” She smiled weakly.

“Okay…Mom works for me. What can I do for you?”

“When you go upstairs to help Vinnie…you know…get ready? Can I help?” Adele hugged her future mother in law and smiled, saying.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” She grabbed Estelle’s wrist and began walking up the stairs. Danny put his hand on the banister and she turned around and shook her head, saying,

“Girls only, silly”

I don't want to be tough
And I don't want to be proud
I don't need to be fixed and I certainly don't need to be found
I'm not lost
I need to be loved
I just need to be loved
I just want to be loved by you and I won't stop 'cause I believe
That maybe, yeah maybe
Maybe, yeah maybe

---

Soon after…

The doorbell rang, and Giada stepped inside, hugging Estelle as Miri and Elena walked in; the first time ever that they had worn matching outfits outside the home. Adele walked over and hugged her sisters, making sure to pay special attention to the newest member of the Magliano household. Estelle looked at Elena and smiled nervously; once again out of an unfamiliarity rather than discomfort. Adele stepped back and smiled at everyone, including Rick, who had returned after a long and ponderous but necessary walk.

“May I have your attention, please. Madames’ et’ Monsieurs….for the first time anywhere, may I say it is with extreme pleasure that I introduce to you, Miss Victoria Estelle Pearson.”

As she spoke, a pair of feet came into view on the stairs. Slowly a figure descended the staircase, revealing a girl of about fifteen. She wore a grey top over a teal pullover, with blue jeans and flats. Her hair was short and her makeup ‘chaste’ as her mother put it, but there was no mistaking it; she was a fairly pretty girl indeed. She stopped at the third step from the floor; more out of nervousness than fashion sense. Rick whistled and began to clap, causing the others to follow suit. One by one, each of them hugged her as she stepped into the living room.

“I don’t understand this at all, baby, but I want to," her mother said softly and kissed her on the cheek.

Miri practically bounced over to her and hugged her, picking her up briefly before putting her down again with a big kiss on the lips.

“You look great….” She nearly shouted, adding with a whisper, “welcome to the club.” Finally, one last figure remained in the back of the group. The two stepped closer to each other. They hadn’t seen one another since ‘the’ kiss in the hospital. Elena had begun to shake just a bit until Victoria grabbed her by the hand and led her into the kitchen alone.

“You…you look….wonderful.” It was the first time ‘Elena’ had spoken to anyone other than her family. Tori, for that is what she came to prefer, smiled and laughed softly.

“You do too…I’m so glad you could come.” Miri and Giada had done their best to repair Elena’s ‘deconstruction’ with a hasty makeup job and a wig that they had at home.

Miri stood in the kitchen doorway, unable to contain herself. She turned to Adele and grinned.

“I guess that settles gender, huh?” Adele nodded and smiled as the two girls stood facing each other, speechless.

“Mir…please!” Elena turned to her sister and shooed her away from the door. She turned to Tori, who shuddered a bit before grabbing her hand, pulling her in for a kiss, a beautiful first girlfriend kiss that was witnessed by Miri, who was leaning into the kitchen once again.

“And that settles orientation!” She laughed. The two girls stopped kissing long enough to close the kitchen door.

Estelle began to cry softly and in moment felt an arm around her shoulder. Giada smiled at her and blinked out some tears of her own before hugging yet another one of her daughter’s future mother in law. Miri went and sat on the stairs and smiled. Danny turned and kissed Adele before they all walked into the dining room. And Rick smiled and sighed before walking out the door again for another long walk.

To figure out, to love
I'm jaded but oh so lovely
All you have to do is hold me
And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be
If you'll trust me, love me, let me
Maybe, maybe

What Just Happened?

What if I told you it was all meant to be
Would you believe me, would you agree?
It's almost that feeling we met before
So tell me that you don't think I'm crazy
When I tell you love has come here and now

The Office of Megan Ferguson…

Everything changes, but beauty remains.
Something so tender I cant explain.
Well I may be dreaming but til I awake..Can we make the dream last forever?
And I'll cherish all the love we share for a moment like this.

“I don’t know what I should be talking about first.” Vinnie looked down at the floor. Rather, it was Tori this morning as the girl sat on the couch dressed in her femme mode.

“First off, who do you want to be today?” Megan was being intentionally provocative by asking an unanswerable question.

“That’s just it, Meg…I don’t know who I’m supposed to be.” She put her head down once again.

“What ‘should’ you be doing? Who are you ‘supposed’ to be? Those are tough questions for me and I’m almost forty-three. It must be hard for you to fit into a mold, huh?”

“I…they were really nice on Sunday…don’t get me wrong, Meg, but…I’m still trying to figure this all out.” She used her hand in a broad gesture.

“Sounds like you feel pressured.”

“Yeah…and…” The girl looked away and began to tear up.

“What’s going on right now…this moment?” Megan leaned closer and looked at the girl with a welcome expression, her voice almost a request rather than a direction.

“I….I feel….” She bit her lip and looked at Megan. The expression on her therapist’s face was accepting, but the girl felt anything but accepted.

“I…” She put head down and shook it.”

“We’re all about acceptance here; no judgment, right?”

“I…I…” She began to stammer as the tears flowed freely.

“Listen…okay.” Megan was almost speaking in a whisper at that moment. The girl nodded but shrugged and sighed in doubt.

“You have nothing to explain to me. Whatever it is you’re feeling…you don’t have to worry.”

“I…feel….Oh God….why do I feel this way?” She turned away once again and began to cry harder. Megan gave her the time she needed. After a few moments she turned back and her face was almost a mask of grief, but it went beyond that.

“I miss…I miss Daddy….why the fuck do I miss him? He….It’s not right…this is so fucked up…” She put her head down.

“You feel guilty because you miss your father?”

“I should hate him…I do hate him…but I love him, too. It’s not right….I should…”

“You feel like you should hate the man who hurt you….Do you remember what we talked about last time?” Megan leaned closer. The girl needed to see she was accepted no matter how she felt or what she expressed.

“Ye…Yes….” She was almost apologetic, as if the question was part of a quiz she needed to pass.

“What sometimes happens with girls and boys who are hurt like you were?”

“They…” She put her hand to her face; almost to hide.

“They what?” Again, a soft request with a half-frown; the ‘I understand’ look that she needed to see.

“They…they miss…” She began to sob….”They….miss…the…attention.”

“That’s right…because that’s what?” It was old ground, but a territory yet to be reclaimed by the child as her own.

“It’s….the only attention…?” Again, an answer seeking approval; the girl was still dealing with the shame of her own actions, even though they weren’t her actions to begin with.

“Yes…so when it stops…even though they hate it?” Fill in the blank.

“They miss it?” A sad frown accompanied by the warm flare of nostrils and the odd feeling in the back of the eye that says, here it comes.

“So…what happens.”

“They…feel bad that they….” Megan nodded yes, ‘you’re on the right track.’

“They feel bad that they feel good….that they….I miss Daddy…This is so fucked up…I’m so sorry….”

“Tori? Honey… You don’t have to apologize to me…right?”

“N…no….”

“So…you miss your father even though he hurt you…right?” The girl choked back a sob and nodded reluctantly.

“And you feel guilty about missing him even though he hurt you, right?” Another nod.

“Did you have a choice, Tori?” She wasn’t trying to push her toward one persona or another, but the words and questions needed to be personal and accepting, and the girl was in femme mode.

“N…no….”

“And you miss him…but it still…what, Tori…how does it feel right now?” Another invasive probe, incapable of being soft and painless no matter how the question was asked. Megan took a deep breath as the girl met her question with silence.

“Tori…you feel bad about missing him…but there’s something else…right?” Of course there was, and the girl needed ‘permission’ to open up about it.

“I….I can’t say… I don’t want to talk about it.” She turned away, almost angry, but it wasn’t with Megan.

“Okay…you don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to talk about.” The girl was slowly regaining control of her life, and nothing was as important at that moment; Megan’s words gave the girl the freedom she needed.

“Well, I don’t want to talk about it.” Assertive; almost contentious, but it was necessary for the girl to establish her own boundaries. And in doing so, she opened them up at the same time.

“Okay…we can talk about something less threatening.” The word was provocative, but it put a description to the moment.

“Okay…I ….” The girl looked in Megan’s eyes and once again saw the acceptance she needed; the safety of no rejection; the security of no judgment or shame. The look gently pulled away the shell of protection the girl had built.

“Why do people have to…the…it was…”

“What, Tori…what people?”

“Danny….I know he meant well.” Megan knew where this was going. Danny hadn’t said anything to her, but the look on his face when they arrived was enough to see there was more than one Pearson child that felt guilty.

“But he…” Two words, but two very important words. The girl pointed to herself again.

“On Sunday…Adele…you know…Jerry’s sister.” She winced at the name.

“Your party…I see.” She didn’t, and intentionally said it anyway.

“You don’t see….he had no right.”

“What did he do, Tori?”

“He…he asked Adele and Mom…they made me up…” She looked down at herself.

“And that upset you?” The emotion was apparent, but the girl needed to identify it for herself.

“Nobody…I didn’t want to have any company…I wasn’t ready.” She put her head down again and began to shake.

“You weren’t ready for whom.” Not what…it wasn’t an event, but a deeply personal moment about someone else.

“Jerry….I wasn’t ready for Jerry to see me….like this.” She looked at her chest.

“Because? You didn’t want Jerry to see you….”

“She’s a girl, Meg…I’m …”

“You feel she shouldn’t have seen you because?”

“If she’s a girl…then….” The girl continued shaking slightly; a tremor that caused her shoulders to bob up and down as she began to weep. Megan sighed, wondering if she should press further, but the girl answered her question for her.

“I have to be a boy…right?” Tori or Vinnie or both? What to do… a dilemma for the girl since she had been controlled all of her brief life. The shoulds and have to’s were rearing their ugly heads once again as the girl sobbed.

“But I ….Meg…what am I going to do. I love her.” Of course, it was a first love; a teen love that was precious even if it likely wouldn’t last in that way…but it was still tearing her apart.

“What do you ‘have’ to do, Tori?” Again, putting the ‘ought to’ and ‘should’ and ‘must’ together while identifying her as the girl she presented gave the girl an opening she stepped through in her own defenses.

“I have to be a boy….and I don’t want to be a boy…but I love her and she’s a girl…right?”

“She’s a girl, yes.” Megan looked away, seeking some solace and understanding that the girl could apprehend.

“But who are you, Tori? Who did you say you were?” Of course she knew…they had talked about this very thing in their last three meetings. A simple complexity?

“I’m…” She was reluctant to speak; if she identified herself, she’d have to make a choice…from where she sat.

“Go ahead, Tori…it’s okay…remember…no judgment…no NEED for judgment, right?” The girl wiped her face with the sleeve of her sweater.

“I’m Tori…” The tears continued to stream down her face as she looked down at herself, almost a cruel metaphor as she shook her head.

“And being Tori is what, honey?”

“A good…a good thing?” Again, seeking permission.

“A very good thing, right?” The girl nodded, less out of reluctance, but still unable to trust herself.

“And who is Jerry?”

“What?” It wasn’t about Jerry, was it?

“Who is Jerry?”

“I don’t know…she’s….” The pronoun was all important, even if she had already forgotten the girl’s new name.

“She’s what?” Not who, although that was all important as well; just not at that moment.

“She’s a girl?” Almost a silly response, but again, the girl needed to identify how she felt and what she believed; not another’s beliefs but her own.

“And you love her?” The word ‘right’ was almost implied as Megan’s question was friendly and inviting and accepting.

“Ye…yes?” The girl put her head down slightly, still expecting the judgment and condemnation that she had grown up with to be present at that moment.

“And is that a good thing or a bad thing?” Megan stressed the word ‘good’ and purposely trailed off as she finished the question.

“A good thing?” Tori’s answer was only slightly emphatic, but her tone was beginning to change.

“What do you think?” “YOU”

“A good thing.”

“A good thing.” Megan echoed softly and smiled as the girl broke down and sobbed, but out of relief finally instead of shame.

Megan breathed out a relieved sigh of her own and smiled once again.

“A very good thing, Tori, a very good thing.”

Some people search a lifetime for a moment like this.
Some people search forever for that one special kiss.
I cant believe its happening to me.
Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this.

Sorting Things Out

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word A few weeks later, the Magliano neighborhood…

“I think Elena is a nice name, Jer...it...sorta fits.” Vi said as the four walked from the bus stop. Miri remained quiet and Cindy actually walked several yards behind Miri and Jerry and her. Vi looked back at her sister before turning again to Miri.

“You comin’ over this afternoon?”

“No...I...I have homework...maybe...maybe tomorrow, okay?” She said quickly as they stood in front of the Magliano home.

“Since when has homework been a big deal? I bet you had all of it done before last period.” A wince and a downcast look told Vi all she needed to know. As she paused, Cindy had caught up with them and was going to walk past them without comment. Vi reached out and grabbed her sleeve, turning her around.

“Fuck it, girls...you two need to talk, even if you hate each other.” Vi knew that was a patently false assumption as she laughed softly and shook her head at Jerry as if to say, “Yeah, sure!”

“I...I have to get going...” Cindy protested, but made no headway in her walk home as Vi held tightly onto her sleeve.

“Nope...not now...you’ve got to talk. Me and Elena here are gonna go inside and talk about makeup and clothes...sorta help her catch up.” Jerry was dressed in boy mode, and something inside him made him blush even as his heart nearly skipped a beat at the mention of his new girl name.

“I...” Jerry stammered as Vi grabbed his sleeve and the two ran up the porch steps and into the house, leaving Cindy and Miri looking at each other, dumbfounded. After a few moments, Cindy spoke.

“I...I’m sorry about the other day...Vi set us up. I swear to God I didn’t know she had that planned.” She put her head down and sighed.

“S’ok...I guess girls do that sometime...you know...check each other out? Vi is...” Vi had been in a dating relationship with her girlfriend Monica Forte’ for nearly a year, and was as serious as any 15 year old girl can be, even if she was a bit more mature than her age.

“I know...I...I don’t want you to feel bad...I didn’t mean anything by it. I’m sorry.” Cindy lifted her head only long enough to talk. A few moments of silence filled with anxious thoughts.

“Why are you so sorry?” Miri thought. “Was it...am I so fucked up...am I so bad?”

The years of abuse from her father hadn’t only affected her mother and her sister Adele. Miri was as insecure as both of them, and was only surpassed in that area by her brother/sister. Meanwhile Cindy looked away, almost seeking a way of escape other than pushing past the girl on the sidewalk.

“I wish she’d stop talking,” Cindy thought. “I can handle this if she only stops talking.”

“God...I hate this...this sucks so bad. I wish she never kissed me.”

Miri looked up at the front door, hoping for a rescue from her mother. No one stood waiting to come to her aid. The two stood awkwardly for several moments until almost at the same time, they both tried to squeeze past the other, but with the predictable dance in the middle of the side walk.

“Sorry...you go first...” Cindy said nervously.

“S’ok...you go.” Miri countered. More moments of awkward silence and no movement at all when suddenly the two began the dance once again; this time with very different results. Cindy moved to her right and Miri moved to her left; just one step made the difference as they collided and fell to the ground nearly entangled.

“Let go...let go of me.” Miri protested. The more they struggled the more they seemed to get tangled, leading to.

“You let go...” Cindy said, almost angrily, but more out of frustration, being underneath the girl whom she had kissed only days before. Miri went to push up off of her, arms on either side of Cindy. The grass was slick from an afternoon shower, and her hands slipped, causing her to fall back on top of Cindy. She went to push off again, but instead of grass, her hands found Cindy’s shoulders, putting them face to face.

“Stop...get off me.” Cindy was crying at that point.

“Okay, okay...I’m trying. Give me a hand.” Miri snapped. Cindy took her hands and placed them on Miri’s shoulders and went to push up, but her shoulders slipped on the wet grass and her arms gave way, causing Miri to land on her with a thud as their lips met.

“No...no...please...please don’t” Cindy cried as Miri said,

“I’m trying....” Although with their lips together it sounded more like, “Mmmummmhhhmmm”

“No....nnnnoooo....mmmmm” Cindy’s protests turned to a soft coo as they kissed, this time with intent and with no disappointment or embarrassment or shame at all.

“I’m sorry that I was...sorry.” Cindy said as their lips parted, still crying. She started to shake. Miri rolled off of her and stood up, offering her hand. Cindy lay back on the grass and sobbed.

“I’m so sorry...I didn’t mean to be...I’m so sorry...’ She covered her face with her hands and continued to weep. The rescue that Miri sought earlier finally arrived as Giada came running down the porch steps.

“Cindy...are you okay?” She knelt down next to the prostrate girl as Miri did the same on her other side. Giada gripped the girls hand and pulled her gently to a sitting position.

“Ohh....Mrs. M...I’m...I’m okay,” she said as she looked at Giada. Turning to her other side she came face to face with Miri once again and burst into tears.

“Okay, you two...what just happened here?” Giada asked as Jerry and Vi came back out onto the porch.

“I’m pretty sure ‘they’ happened, Mrs. M,” Vi laughed as she and Jerry nodded. Giada turned back to the two and found Miri staring quietly into Cindy’s eyes. Cindy was still crying, but wasn’t nearly upset as she had been, if at all.

“Yep, Mom...it looks like ‘they’ happened, alright.” Jerry said, happy for once not to be the center of attention.

---

The Pearson home the same day…

Just because every thing's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are as you head off to the war
Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light

“Are you sure about this, Vinnie?” Estelle sat opposite her child on the couch while Rick brought the two of them some soup and biscuits. Vinnie...or rather, Tori nodded.

“Mom…you do remember Adele…right?” Rick referred to his former and his brother’s present fiancee’.

“Of course…but…” She shook her head and began to tear up.

“Mom…you didn’t do anything wrong. Vinnie is being who he…hey, I’m sorry. Tori is being who she was meant to be, like Dr. Megan said. We talked about this in therapy the last two times.”

“Mom…I’m okay. Megan says that for the time being, around home is probably best for us all since I’m still figuring things out and this is not the thing that’s …” Tori stopped in mid-sentence, realizing what she was referring to. She tried to forget the horror inflicted upon her and her brothers by her father, but the memories were still as invasive as ever, and would come up at the worst possible times.

“Hey…Tori…you okay?” Rick rushed over to his sister’s side.

“Ricky…Mommy…..nooo….”

The girl began to sob and fell into her brother’s arms. Rick held her close and let her cry. There was nothing to do but ride it out, almost like a storm that would quickly pass, even as it almost always left the girl shaken; the same storms that both Rick and Danny had weathered. Rick had it easiest, he felt, since he was well past the nightmares and the memories seemed to be fading. His biggest problem was the guilt he still felt over his helplessness in preventing the abuse from being passed to his brothers.

The girl shook almost violently in his arms, the moments of pain and betrayal as real as if they were happening then and there. Estelle began to weep at the sight of her son’s sadness. She struggled with Vinnie’s gender issues, feeling somehow it was her fault that the boy was so confused.

“You should just take off those clothes…that’s why he hurt you, I bet…” She blurted out, meaning to fix things as she always did. This was unfixable; at least in the immediate sense.

“Mom…shhh…..please.” Rick tried to quiet her down. Tori was shaking more than he had ever seen, and he was having a hard time holding her up. He gave way to the moment and lowered her to the floor and rocked her in his arms. It was the bravest thing Rick Pearson had ever done, since no one would ever know that while he was comforting his ‘new’ sister in her pain he was reliving his own at the same time.

“If he never wore that…his father….” Estelle was almost hysterical. Rick turned around and tried hard with little success to temper his words.

“Mom…shut up…would you please just be quiet…you don’t know what you’re saying, and it’s upsetting her even more. She’s got enough to deal with, and she doesn’t need this on top of it.

“He’s not a girl…it’s my fault...I should have stopped his father…I should have stopped him…I knew and I didn’t do anything.” No one ever would have accused Estelle of enabling her husband, but there it was, right in front of everyone for all to see.

“I should have stopped him….oh dear God…I am so sorry.” She was practically screaming, and Rick was torn between comforting his sister and dealing with his mother’s guilt and shame. Anger and sadness and fear mixed together and he couldn’t handle it anymore.

“Mom…would you just sit down…please…” He turned and found that his shirt was wet. Tori had gotten sick, and there was blood everywhere. He laid the girl on the couch and pulled out his cell and dialed 911.

---

St. Luke’s Urgent Care Center ER Waiting Area, Kirkwood, Missouri…

Now, we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes

“Rick…what in God’s name?” Danny blurted out as he and Adele hurried up to Rick in the waiting area of the ER.

“The doctor is pretty sure it’s the ulcer. They’ve got him upstairs in surgery right now.” He turned to Adele and nodded, saying,

“Your mom is with my mother right now. Dan…she’s…we’ve got to get her some help.” Rick looked at Danny and began to cry. The facade of uncaring and nonchalant was lying on the ground in pieces as he struggled to contain himself.

“What..Rick…what?” Danny put his hand on Rick’s arm to get him focused. Rick turned away for a second and then turned back.

“She knew…Dear God, Danny…she fucking knew…the whole fucking time, and she didn’t do a damn thing. What the fuck, Danny….why didn’t she do anything?” His face was a mask of grief and shame. It was as if he was transported back in time; a little boy lying helpless on a bed, calling for his mother…the mother who never came…never answered.

“Rick…come on…she maybe suspected…she even said that when Vinnie went in the last time…the bastard was pretty good at hiding it.” Danny shook his head.

“No…you don’t understand…she said if he never wore… the clothes…like she knew what Daddy was doing? Vinnie never told anyone about the clothes before except for Megan and you, and …it wasn’t because of that…Daddy hurt…both of us and we didn’t have that going on….but Vinnie…you remember even when he was little, he was always going into Mommy’s closet…and she said…I should have stopped him…not Vinnie…Daddy…she fucking knew he was hurting us…not just suspect…she fucking knew!”

“God, Rick…I don’t know…maybe she was scared…maybe Daddy was hurting her too…Rick…he told me he’d kill Vinnie if I talked…what did he say to you?”

Danny was grasping at straws at that point. Both brothers were awash in shame and guilt over the fear that their brother…their sister? She was lying on an operating table fighting for her life for all they knew and both Danny and Rick felt responsible. The one who actually could lay claim to it no longer lived; maybe the most fortunate of all from where they stood, since as far as they knew he felt no pain.

“Stop…stop it…” Adele shouted, causing the several folks in the waiting area to turn their heads. The security guard came over and put his hands up slightly.

“I’m sorry…I know this is hard for you, but if you can’t control yourselves, you’ll have to step outside.” Danny nodded and grabbed Rick by the arm and walked through the entry to the sidewalk with Adele following.

“Rick…Danny…please…let it go…for now…if you can’t let it go all the way, let it go for now. Tori needs the two of you to be strong. Please.” She stepped closer and put her hands on both their arms and squeezed.

“I’m….I’m sorry...you’re right.” Rick blew out a breath and wiped the tears from his face with his coat sleeve.

“We’ll sort all of this out…we have to be strong, like she says,” Danny nodded at Adele and smiled weakly.

---

Back in the waiting room…a few minutes later…

“Danny…Mr. Pearson? I’m Nancy Lundquist…you and I talked the last time your brother was here.” Danny nodded and she continued.

“It’s an esophageal ulcer that the endoscopy missed when your brother was here last month. I’m sorry, but sometimes even the camera doesn’t pick it up. It could have been very small and gotten worse…even in such a short time. He’ll be in recovery for a while and then up on the floor. You can see him up in his room in a while, okay?” The doctor wiped her brow with her cap and sighed.

“I know you folks have been through hell these past few weeks. I’m fairly sure things will be improving soon. I’ve talked with the psychiatrist on call and he’ll be by to discuss some options regarding medication to deal with the stress the boy has been under.

“Why didn’t you folks figure this out before? What the fuck is wrong here?” Rick blurted out, almost in his usual character, but he quickly followed his words with a head shake and he spoke again.

“Oh, shit…I am so sorry…I know you’ve done your best…this isn’t your fault.” He was about to finish when Danny interrupted him.

“Rick…it’s nobody’s fault…leastwise nobody still breathing! I hope the fucking bastard is burning in hell right now! And that bastard in jail…” Danny’s trailed off and he began to weep, putting his head on Adele’s shoulder.

“I’m so sorry, honey…I’m…”

“I know…it’s hard to forgive when it keeps happening…like he’s still alive and hurting you all over again.”

She shook her head. Flashbacks were an all too common part of the Magliano family as well, with the memories of the beatings she and her sibs and her mother had endured at the hands of her father invading their household on a frequent basis. She knew that it wasn’t going to be easy, but she seemed to be a bit further down the road than either Dan or even Rick.

“It’s going to be okay, honey…I swear to God…I know this hurts, but it will get better.” She held Danny close and reached over and grabbed Rick’s hand.

Dr. Nancy Lundquist patted Danny on the back and said quietly,

“Hang in there Marine…we’ve got your back, okay?” She smiled at Rick and Adele before walking back through the ER doors.

---

That evening…in the Family Area upstairs…

“Listen…I’m going to take Adele home and check in on Mommy. I’ll be back as quickly as I can.” Danny patted Rick on the back. He looked up and nodded. Adele leaned down and kissed Rick on the cheek.
“Hang in there, okay?” She squeezed his shoulder and smiled before stepping back.

“I’ll give you a call when I get home. I talked to Giada, and Mommy’s sleeping. She’s going to stay there tonight so I can come back here. I’ll be back and I’ll get you some clothes so you can change, okay?” Rick nodded weakly and smiled.

“Yeah, I don’t think this shade of red is my color,” he said with a soft laugh. Vinnie’s blood had soaked through to his tee, and he had thrown his outer shirt away after Vinnie was settled in.
“Danny?” Rick bit his lip and frowned. “I don’t understand…” It was as if the whole Pearson family was undergoing change, with little brother certainly leading the way into his own transformation into their little sister. But Danny, too, was changing, as he was becoming more confident and secure about the future. The biggest change, however, was happening to Rick, as he was moving rapidly to maturity and selflessness unlike anything he had ever known.

“I don’t understand either, but I know we’ll get through this…we’ve got each other’s back…right?” Danny said it, not as a question, but as an affirmation of the work he had seen take place in Rick over the last several weeks. It was like he finally had a big brother to look up to. He kissed Rick on the cheek as well and in a moment Rick was all alone.

A few minutes later, a vaguely familiar voice interrupted Rick’s quiet, accompanied by a soft tap on the shoulder.

“Mr. Pearson? Mr. Pearson?” He looked up to see a vaguely familiar face to go with the pleasant voice.

“You don’t know me…I’m sorry to interrupt…your brother…he’s out of recovery and in his room. If you’d like to go sit with him he’s over across the hall in room 317. I’m Natalia la Rue…I’m his nurse, and I’ll be helping take care of him. Do you have a few moments before you go over?” She smiled and Rick smiled back weakly. It had been a very long day, but it seemed to get better in an instant.

“Sure…my name’s Rick…I think I saw you before…” He put his head down and shook it.

“Yes, I know…I’m glad for everyone’s sake that your name was cleared…I was here…” She looked across the hall to the room where Vinnie had nearly been murdered by his abuser. She shook as the memory came back to her. Rick stood up and looked at her.

“Are you okay? Can I get someone to help you?” He smiled at her and she shook her head.

“I believe that’s my line, Mr. Pearson. I’m sorry. It’s just that your family has been through so much the past few weeks. Anyway, what I wanted to know…the ER said your brother was admitted…how do I put this delicately…” She paused and Rick spoke.

“I know…my brother…he’s been seeing a therapist for a while now, even before the abuse issue came to light…well as far as we know…he’s dealing with some issues, and he and Megan..his therapist…oh shit…” Rick stammered for a moment and his face grew red.

“I’m sorry…please forgive me…” He said it softly, a request instead of his typical demand; another evidence of change.

“Her name is Tori, and after school’s finished in June, she may be…well, nothing has been decided other than that she’s now our sister, as crazy as that sounds.” He smiled nervously.

“Oh, I understand. Adele…” Natalia paused, not wanting to bring up a sore subject since as Adele’s friend had known about Rick’s horrible treatment of her. She continued.

“I’m aware of the whole gender issue, Mr. Pearson.” She immediately became defensive and stepped back.

“If you like, I can have Dr. Phillips call and discuss this with your attending doctor. Megan’s been seeing the family the past couple of weeks for the whole…” Rick put his head down and his face grew red once again. Natalia looked at him in puzzlement. The man in front of her wasn’t anything like she remembered from her talks with Adele. Can someone change that quickly? She remained cautious and backed up even further.

“That would be helpful. Dr. Jacobs is the psychiatrist, and it would be very helpful for …Tori?” She tilted her head in question.

“Yes…Tori…short for Victoria…thank you.” He smiled. A smile? A thank you?

“For what?”

“For thinking to call her by her name. That’s very kind of you.” Rick smiled again. The charm was there, but something about him was oddly attractive. Maybe the deceptive kind of charm that got her friend into trouble in the first place; misplaced trust for sure. She wasn’t about to fall for that.

“No problem. If you need anything, we’ll be at the nurses’ station, and I’ll be over to check on her in about an hour. I’m sure you two need some time alone.” Natalia went to walk away when Rick spoke one more time.

“Miss la Rue?” She turned at her name.

“Thank you.” This time the charm wasn’t there at all. Not that he wasn’t charming, per se, but that there was something actually humble about his look, as if he was truly thankful.

“She’s my kid sister, and I’m really glad…especially now that I’m figuring out how much she actually means to me…” He began to choke up…

”Real tears?” she thought.

“I’m very glad that she has someone looking after her that understands her. It’s about time she began to have a good life, and she needs all the help she can get, so yes, thank you, Miss la Rue.”

Natalia had backed out of the Family area and was in the hall already when Rick stepped past her and walked across the hall. She was surprised that he didn’t make a fuss or flirt, which was entirely alright with her. But something in her was almost disappointed as well. She followed his progress across and down the hall until he disappeared through the doorway of Tori’s room.

“Real tears…wow….!”

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye
More Sorting!
I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in
This world

The Rubio home…

“Daddy…can I talk to you?” Cindy stood at the doorway to the kitchen; Vi stood behind her almost pushing her toward their Dad.

“Oh…of course.” Benny put down his paper and motioned for her to come over and sit down next to him on the couch. He looked over and Vi nodded and smiled and went down the hall.

“Are you…do you and Mrs. M?” She put her head down, as if asking her father about his relationship with Giada was something to be ashamed of. He cupped her chin with his hand and raised it.

“Hey…no secrets. Okay?” She nodded.

“Yes…we’ve started to see each other…nothing spectacular…we grabbed a sandwich and went to the park today.” He smiled at the thought.

“You and Mommy used to go to the park all the time. Don’t you feel…” She put her head down again.
“Honey, of course I do,” he said, anticipating her question. “Your Mom meant…still means the world to me, okay?” He turned away slightly, feeling awkward and at a loss for words.

“No…Daddy…I know you still love her…doesn’t that get…in the way?” Cindy sighed. She picked up the photo of her mother and her father that was sitting on the end table next to the couch. A visual reminder of what still remained.

“So far…a bit, yes. Giada…Mrs. M? She’s been really good about that. She understands, especially with you and Vi…that your mother is always going to be a part of this home…and she accepts that.”

“But what about you, Daddy. We’re the kids…she’s gonna be the step-mom.” She paused, waiting for a denial or argument, but Benny offered none.

“It’s okay, Daddy. I just want to know. Am I the only one who hears her voice.” She looked down at the picture in her hands and began to cry.

“No…no, sweetie…I think about her and she talks to me, you know?” He smiled as tears came to his own eyes. Carefully, he took the picture from her hands and held it out, pointing to his wife.

“See the jacket she’s wearing…sorta long for July, you know? You were almost seven months along, and she didn’t want her mother to know. Grandma thought we should have waited to get married, and when she got pregnant, we just worried what she’d say. The day after this picture was taken…your grandmother said, ‘why are you wearing such a jacket in this weather…it’s not good…too hot when you’re pregnant.’” He laughed at the thought.

“She knew?” Cindy stared at the photo, realizing for the first time that she was a part of the picture.

“She had a way about her…your mother, too. Could always sense stuff before I ever said anything. Not that I’d ever lie to her, but if I did, I bet she would have figured it out. She even said…’Benny, I bet she’ll be tall and lithesome.’” He looked at Cindy and smiled.

“’Cynthia…that’s her name…she’ll be so graceful…like a swan.’ And she was right.” He kissed her on the forehead and looked again at the photo.

“There isn’t a day goes by where we don’t talk…like when I’m getting ready for work. Or even when I’m driving us to church…reminding me to be especially thoughtful with Mrs. Eisenberg or to make sure you girls still say your prayers.” Cindy shrugged and started to cry again.

“Honey…what’s wrong, isn’t this a good talk?” Benny pulled her close and put his arm around her.
“She’s worried, Daddy…” Benny looked up and noticed Vi standing again in the doorway. He smiled at her and patted the cushion on his other side, squeezing over a bit to make room on the couch.
“Why would you be worried, honey?” Benny cupped her chin once again. A look he had only seen once before had crossed her face. When she was seven and had lied about stealing some money out of her mother’s purse. The guilt and shame were more than enough when coupled with her mother’s look of disappointment.

“What’s wrong? Cindy?”

“I promised Mommy that I’d be a good girl and grow up and….” She paused and looked at the picture, waiting for her mother’s voice.

“You’ve been a good girl. God couldn’t have blessed me more than he did when you and Vi came into our lives. I’m so proud of both of you. What’s wrong?”

“I…promised Mommy I’d marry ….I’d…” She put her head on his shoulder and began to weep.

“This is about you and Miri, right?” He asked softly.

“How can I marry someone I don’t know…how can I be a good girl.” She hadn’t meant to say that in light of her sister’s presence. Vi looked over at her and frowned, but she wasn’t upset with Cindy.
“She’s worried that you’ll be disappointed if she doesn’t marry a boy.”

“I’m sorry, Vi…I just don’t know what to say…I don’t think…”

“Oh, hell yes you do, but it’s all okay…because in your heart…I know you don’t…”

“Listen, you two. Please.” Benny squeezed their shoulders.

“You love who you love. All I care about is if the person you meet is gonna make you happy or not, right? Your mother loved you…she still loves you. When you were little you and she used to talk about marriage all the time…you know that we didn’t even get married in a church until you were six. And you were four.” He looked back at the picture. You’ve forgotten part of what your Mom said.” Benny began to blush and tear up once again.

“’Now, Cindy…just promise me one thing, okay?’ She was always making you promise to do stuff…she wanted the best for you.” He turned to Vi.

“And you! Anyway, she went on…’Cindy…if you fall in love, promise me you’ll marry someone just like your father.’” He laughed and they looked at him in puzzlement.

“She wanted you to marry someone who would be as kind and considerate toward you as I was to her…I know in my heart of hearts that it wouldn’t make one bit of difference for either of you. I know you and Monica…” He turned back to Vi.

“Have known each other since Brownies…best friends…Your Mom said to me when you two were ten…Now mind you this is when we lived in Iowa…she said that you and Monica would be more than just friends some day, and look at the two of you.” Vi’s eyes widened and she was caught between a smile and a frown. She began to cry.

“I miss her so much…” The tears were bittersweet and came like a cloudburst.

“Me too, baby…me too.”

“What did she say about me, Daddy. I don’t want to be…I want to...”

“Honey…you couldn’t disappoint your mother if you tried. She looked at you when you were born and said that you’d make someone very happy someday.”

“But what should I do, Daddy. I’ve never felt this way before.” At nearly eighteen it was almost a surprise that Cindy had never had any type of relationship before other than as a friend to many.

“It’s not a matter of should, Cin…it’s about being fair and considerate and sweet and kind; just like you’ve always been. Miri is a great girl…we’ve known her since she was in sixth grade, and she’s just about the nicest friend you two have except maybe for her new sister.” He laughed softly.

“So it’s okay if I see her?” Cindy shrugged and lowered her head, as if she had asked for something impractical or, even worse, selfish.

“Of course. She’s practically part of the family already, honey.”

“But wouldn’t that be like dating my sister?” Cindy shook her head.

“No, honey…not quite.”

“Daddy?” Vi tugged on his sleeve and he turned again to face her.

“Yes, hon…what?”

“Do you love Mrs. M?”

“I…” He paused and looked at the picture in front of him once again.

“Daddy…Daddy, please?” Cindy took the picture from his hands and held it out once again. She nodded at Vi who nodded back before saying,

“I think Mommy would feel good about her…you know. They were friends, and you both love us and Miri and Jerry and Adele…I think Mommy would say it’s okay.” Jerry turned back and forth between his daughters, both of whom had tears in their eyes and bright smiles on their faces.

“It’s okay, Dad…okay?” He smiled again and looked back at the picture, seeking approval. The same smile that graced each day for them from dawn until evening and blessed them with love seemed to smile at him and the girls once again.

“Okay.”

I don't know what I want, so don't ask me
Cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road, I'm just walking
Trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one
Who feels the way I do

---

Meanwhile…in Tori's room at the hospital...

“Rick? Mr. Pearson?” Rick looked up to see Natalia standing at Tori’s bedside.

“I know it’s going to be a long night; the coffee in the break room beats the vending machine hands down. Here’s a cup and some half-and-half; we’re all out of sugar. Sorry.”

“That’s okay, I take it with no sugar…don’t like the sweetness in my coffee. Thanks. That was very kind of you.

“She was calling for you when they brought her up from recovery. She was in and out before she settled down just before you and your family got up here.” Natalia looked over at the sleeping girl.

“We’ve got her all to herself for now. I think it’ll be okay, but we’ve managed to ensure that she’s not rooming with a boy…for her privacy.” Rick nodded and shook his head slightly. Only a few days before and it wouldn’t have been an issue. Now? Well, he was going to try very hard to wrap his head around the fact that there were now only two men in the family.

“There’s some leftover pizza in the break room if you’re hungry. I know this has already been a long day for everyone, and we want you to know that we’re here for your sister and everyone, okay?” She smiled and went to leave the room.

“Natalia?” Rick called out. He paused.

“Okay, here it comes…the pass…” she thought until he said quietly,

“Thanks for the coffee.” He put his head down and began reading a dog-eared paperback he produced from his back pocket. She walked out of the room and began to whistle softly to herself; a habit she had meant to try to lose, but soothing in a pinch as a musical self-medication.

“Either he’s really, really good, or he’s really changing.” She thought as she reached the nurses’ station.

---

A while later…

“I dropped Adele off over at our house. She’s going to spend the night over there with Mrs. M to keep an eye on Mom.” Danny said as Rick changed into a clean shirt in the lavatory.

“I’ve got to run out for a few minutes. If …if she wakes up, tell her I’ll be right back.”

“Where you going?” Danny asked, his head cocked.

“Just tell her I’ll be right back.”

“Rick…don’t go doing something…” Danny’s voice trailed off.

“Oh, jeez, Danny…I’m not an idiot. The Wal-Mart is open until 9:30…if I hurry I can just make it.” He said quickly as he rushed out the door. As he walked past the nurses’ station, Natalia called out. He paid her no heed and kept going.

“Well…I guess that proves me right…shoot…” Natalia put the folder she was holding back in the upright file and shook her head.

---

Later…

“I’m sorry you got left in the lurch, Mr. Pearson.” Natalia looked over at Tori, who was stirring.

“Ricky…Ricky?” She called out.

“Ah…he had to ….” Danny began to say when a voice spoke from the doorway.

“Run an errand.” He laughed and stuck his tongue out at Danny playfully as if to say, ‘see, I told you I’d be right back.’

Walking over to the bed, he smiled down at Tori and pulled a bundle out of the bag he was holding.

“I guessed at the size, since you haven’t changed much.” He produced a pair of pink flannel pajamas suitable for a young woman; short sleeves with satin trim.

“Medium, but I can return these if they’re too small.” She shook her head.

“Now don’t go getting misty on me, but I got you something else. I know things haven’t changed that much, but I figured there was some catching up you might need doing so I got you two other things.”
He pulled a St. Louis Rams Jersey, but the new kind that was tailored for a young lady. Tori started to tear up

“I’ve been meaning to give this to you since last week, but it got lost in the pickup. I hope you like it....You do still like the Rams? I mean if you want something else?” She beamed at him and he shook his head and laughed softly.

“And just in case you get lonely, like I said, to help make up for lost time,” he said again as he reached in one last time and pulled out a soft brown stuffed dog. If the jersey had started her crying, the dog sent her over the top and she burst into tears.

“I hope you don’t mind…I mean you haven’t been a girl…well you have…but….well, you know what I mean. I mean...the dog...hell, you're gonna be sixteen soon..this is probably stupid.” He shrugged his shoulders almost apologetically until she spoke.

“It’s….it’s because you cared enough to try….I’m….well, I’m not a little kid anymore…I never got to be a little girl….but it’s that you cared, Rick. This is the nicest thing you’ve ever done for me….” She began to sob, but she wasn’t upset at all. Rick pulled up a chair from the other side of the room; Tori was still the only patient in the room. He looked over at his old sib/new sister and breathed a sigh of relief. And Natalia looked at Rick and smiled as she shook her head in wonder.

“Real tears...wow.”

Got the radio on, my old blue jeans
And I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve
Feeling lucky today, got the sunshine
Could you tell me what more do I need
And tomorrow's just a mystery, oh yeah
But that's ok
Maybe I'm just a girl on a mission
But I'm ready to fly

Doubts

Life is what you make it
At least that's what they say
Well I think I'm gonna make it
Fulfill my dreams one day
I feel this fire growin' deep inside of me
I'm so inspired knowin' that it's my destiny

Two Weeks Later...the Magliano home...

“Mom…you got a moment?” Miri called from the kitchen.

“Sure, babe. What can I do for you?” Giada was hoping for the mundane; the boring; the routine. Instead she got involved and complicated.

“What should I do about Cindy?”

“Let me ask you this? How do you feel about her?” Giada walked in and sat down at the kitchen table.

“I…I don’t know, Mom….she’s cool and all that, but I’m not sure.” Miri put her head down.

“Are you afraid of making a mistake?”

“Well…yeah, but it’s…Oh, jeez, Mom…I just don’t…” Her voice trailed off.

“You’re afraid you’ll get hurt?” Miri turned and faced Giada; the reluctance was evident in her face.

“You saw what happened to Adele with Rick…I don’t ever want to hurt like that.” She looked away and Giada touched her arm softly.

“You don’t want to get hurt like I did with your Dad.” Miri turned back and nodded as tears fell from her chin.

“There are no guarantees because that’s the way things work. If we could just demand our way; have someone love us no matter what they felt or even how we felt, it wouldn’t be love. It would be exactly like the control your Dad had over all of us…over me.” Giada sighed at the thought; her choice to stay with her late ex-husband had devastated the whole family.

“But it’s our life and even privilege to give our hearts to someone else; you see that with Adele and Danny. And what a blessing, right?”

“That’s just it; will I have the same thing with Cindy that they have? Will it be just like that; new and wonderful?” Miri paused.

“Why does she like me? Me of all people. She’s smart and she’s popular? What do I have?”

“Miri…honey…We don’t choose who we fall in love with. We can choose to give ourselves to someone else, but the heart sometimes makes choices no one can understand; some good and some not so good. With Cindy…she sees something in you that you don’t see in yourself. That’s such a blessing, honey.”

“She is kinda cute.” Miri began to blush at her own words even as the tears pooled a bit under her nose on her upper lip.

“I think you and she will find out how this will go. You’re still young honey, and there’s plenty of time.”

“This won’t last, will it?” Her voice sounded more fearful than skeptical. She sighed heavily and Giada hugged her.

“Well, you Aunt Margo fell in love with your Uncle Angelo when they were in middle school. It sounds like you do have some opinion about where you two are headed. I’m confident that you know deep down how you’d like to see things, and I know you’ll make the right choices, okay?”

“Okay…. Mom?”

“What, honey?”

“Do you like Mr. Rubio?” Miri’s left eyebrow arched ever so little and her lips pursed into a thoughtful grin.

“Yes, honey…very much.” Giada smiled and nodded. Miri laughed softly before mimicking her mother,

“It sounds like you have some opinion about where you two are headed.” She stammered a bit over the last few words before bursting out laughing.

“Funny… You may just get to find out how things are going. He and the girls are coming over for dinner on Sunday.”

'Cause I'm a believer
I know that I can make it
No matter what they say
So I'm a believer
The future is now
It starts today
(I keep my head up)

---

A few days later at Megan Phillips office…

“So, would you like to tell me about yourself?” Megan nodded and smiled and pointed at the girl sitting on the couch; not to be rude, but to remind the girl that it was ‘she’ who sat before Megan and not her usual male self.

“My name…I chose it because it sorta reminds me of something that Mom told me…that nothing that has happened to me holds me…you know?” She tilted her head and almost squinted. Megan nodded in agreement.

“Like who I am and who I choose to be…the person I decide I’m going to be and who I decide to care for…that’s where I win…not what Daddy did to me or my sisters or Mom. So Victoria…Tori for short?” She blushed and Megan smiled.

“I think you made a great choice, Tori. Now…tell me a bit about what’s going on lately, okay?”

“You mean with Jerry….Elena? Oh shit…I can’t keep track of this… It’s all so new, Megan. I wonder sometimes if I’m screwed up.”

“That doesn’t sound very ‘Tori’ like; especially after what you just said. Let’s back it up a bit, okay?” Tori nodded but she turned her head away and began to cry.

“You’re so used to having others…especially when your Dad was around…others telling you who and what to be. And with what your Dad did to you? Has it been difficult?” Megan knew that it had been more than difficult; the girl had gone through anyone’s idea of the worst possible horror and yet she was strong and growing. Tori didn’t turn back, but nodded.

“It’s been terrible, and you’ve been hurt in so many ways. And all this coming at the same time as learning about yourself. Do you think maybe you’re being hard on yourself?”

“I…Megan…what if I’m this way because of what Daddy did to me?” She winced at the mention of her father, even though the words came from her.

“Well, Tori, almost anything is possible, but you know that. Do you remember what we talked about the last time?”

“Yes….” She hesitated, almost fearful of making a mistake. It was painful to believe that her gender identity may have arisen from her abuse, but that was a mistake that she and so many others would make…the belief was twisted and turned around, like a child blindfolded and hitting a piá±ata, but it was she who was being hit…and hurt…over and over.

“Let me remind you, okay….this is what you said…I’ll even read my notes, so I don’t get it wrong, alright?” Tori nodded silently, but for the soft whimper of crying. Megan hardly ever made physical contact during a session; not just for ethical purposes, but also because she didn’t want to ‘guide’ her patients into anything. They needed to arrive at their own conclusions. Here, though, she made an exception. She reached over and tapped the girl’s knee softly and sat back once again.

“Tori…listen…this is what you told me…’I..I don’t really remember much….I was about four or five and Mommy had gotten her wedding gown out to give to my cousin Tara. She was holding it up and then she put it back in the box….And Tara took it away.’” Tori…you were crying when you told me this.” Tori didn’t respond.

“’I started to cry…Mommy…why did you give it away…I want it.’” Tori sobbed at the hearing of her own account.

“We already know that your father didn’t start hurting you until you were nine….when they were separated for the first time and you visited over there, right?” Tori turned around. Even after death, her father still threatened.

“He had no right…it was….Oh fuck…why, Megan…why me?”

“I don’t know, Tori…I really don’t, but we do know for sure that it wasn’t your fault, right?”

“Ye…yes.” She hesitated. Even now, almost a month after her father’s murder, she still had doubts.

“You were nine, honey….he was an adult…right?” Tori nodded, almost reluctantly, as if it was somehow her cross to bear. But she did nod.

“And you were a girl in a way already, weren’t you?” Megan stressed the words girl and already.

“Ye..Yes…Yes!” Almost an epiphany; they had discussed this several times, but the idea finally was beginning to take hold.

“So you ‘aren’t’ a girl because of the abuse, are you?”

“No…” Still hesitant.

“Your father hurt you after…after you had already figured out who you were, not before. He didn’t make you a girl, did he?” She knew the answer, of course, but it was critical for the child to answer the question.

“No…I was a girl because…” She paused, looking at Megan for approval. Megan offered none other than respect; again, it was important for her to decide for herself what she believed.

“Because why, Tori?”

“Because…I was made that way?” Megan just looked at her with a half-smile, trying not to reveal
anything.

“He….he hurt me because he wanted to….I was a girl….I am a girl.” She began to cry once again, but they were not tears of embarrassment or shame, but anger over the loss and grief and pain that her father had caused. She began sobbing; her fists clenched and her eyes squeezed tight. Megan sat quietly as the girl wept until she was spent. Megan reached over and tapped the girl on the knee with a box of tissues.

“Why…Megan?” The girl asked the same question, she thought until Tori added,

“Why was I made this way?”

“I don’t know, Tori. You talk about your faith a lot. What does your heart say…deep inside, what is your heart telling you?” Megan smiled.

Tori sat back and looked away, blinking out tears that came quickly once again, but these were tears of release and relief. She bit her lip in thought before finally answering.

“I don’t know why….but it’s like I’m supposed to find out…like …a journey…like I’m going to learn…and…” She hesitated once again but caught herself.

“No…I am going to learn who I am…and that I’m okay.” She smiled and began to cry again, more out of exhaustion than anything else.

Minutes passed before Megan spoke.

“Tori…I think you did great today…you’re so brave to face this…I’m so proud of you. Now remember what we talked about during the week, and I’ll even write down what you said.” Megan put pen to paper and wrote out the words Tori had spoken, underlining the words, “I’m okay.”

“Next week, same time?” The girl smiled and nodded.

Everyday I'm waitin'
Tryin' to find the patience
So close I can taste it
But sometimes it's so hard
But I'ma keep on pushin'
And I'ma keep on fightin'
And I'ma keep on tryin' because I've come too far

---

A few minutes later...in the waiting area...

“Oh…hi!”

Tori’s eyes lit up at the sound of a familiar voice. She turned around and found that Jerry was sitting in the waiting area with his sister Adele. While the boy was still wearing ‘his’ clothes, there was no mistaking that Elena, the child’s new persona, was Megan’s next patient.

“You…that…you’re pretty.” Elena blushed as Tori smiled at the complement.

“You…you are too.” Tori said and Elena looked at her own clothes, wondering how pretty a St.Louis Cardinal’s Sweatshirt and jeans could actually be. Her face darkened even more.

“Just wait until we get home, sweetie,” Adele said with a smile. I think Dr. Phillips might agree?” Megan nodded at Adele.

“She might agree that it’s time you started wearing ‘your’ clothes outside the home instead of Jerry’s.”

“Well, it’s time for our appointment. I’ll see you soon, Tori, okay?” Megan said once more before she and Elena went into the office.

“Adele?” Tori smiled and sat down. Adele followed and replied,

“Yes, honey?”

“Was…it…is it hard?”

“To be the way we are?” Adele purse her lips and half-smiled. She put her hand on Tori’s shoulder.

“Yes, honey…very hard.” Tori’s eyes widened in surprise.

“But it’s worth it, since it’s just us being ourselves, do you understand?” Tori nodded slightly but she seemed confused.

“We are who we are…you know…like it says…by the grace of God, Tor…So it’s all good, even when it isn’t. And believe me, I know.” She sighed but shrugged her shoulders slightly as a hand gently squeezed her shoulder.

“She does, Tori…and you’ll know soon…We’ll all be here for you and for Elena. Okay?” Tori looked up to see the approving smile of her brother Danny. Adele reached over with her left hand and squeezed her fiancé’s hand.

“All of us! We’re family, you know?”

'Cause I'm a believer
I know that I can make it
No matter what they say
So I'm a believer
The future is now
It starts today
The future is now
It starts today

All in the Family - Finale!

Baby,
now that I've found you
I won't let you go
I built my world around you
I need you so,
baby even though
You don't need me
now

Two months later...the Pearson front porch...

Baby, baby,
when first we met
I knew in this heart of mine
That you were someone I couldn't forget.
I said right,
and abide my time

“Please tell me you know?” Natalie tilted her head and stared at Rick.

“That you care? Of course, but there has to be more than that; my strength is at an all-time low, which is good.” He looked away.

“You’re not as much of a jerk as you used to be?” Rick nodded, believing Natalie was serious.

“Damn it, Rick…you’re getting help. You’re seeing a therapist, and you…well, you have a lot to overcome.

“Yeah, compensation…” He laughed, but it wasn’t funny at all. In trying to prove his manhood after being the first of his father’s victims, he went out of his way. Add to that his own propensity for selfishness, and he was a relationship accident just dying to happen. And he struggled to see any improvement even though Natalie and others kept telling him how much he’d changed.

“The bottom line is I don’t want to hurt one more human being…I don’t want to get close enough to inflict that kind of pain to someone I care about.” Rick shook his head and his nostrils flared slightly; his face grew warm and his eyes welled.

“See, there’s what I’m talking about! You told me that you only cared about yourself…that you couldn’t change, but you have… you care so much about how I feel that you’re willing to let your past screw up the best thing to ever happen to you. You are not going to leave me, Richard Pearson, do you understand.” Natalie’s tears matched Rick’s as she stared him down, almost like playing chicken, but with the stakes much, much higher. Fortunately for both of them, Rick flinched.

“Oh, God, Nat…I love you so much…I’m so sorry…” He choked up. Natalie crossed the distance between them and jumped into his arms, showering him with kisses as they both hugged.

“Now that I’ve found you, Richard Pearson, I won’t let you go…ever!”

Spent my life looking
for that somebody
to make me feel like new
Now you tell me that you want to leave me
But darling, I just can't let you

---

St. Louis County Courthouse...a few days later...

Baby, baby,
when first we met
I knew in this heart of mine
That you were someone I couldn't forget.
I said right,
and abide my time

“I’m so….” Giada looked at Benny and smiled nervously.

”Enamored? Entranced? Enthralled?” Miri poked her mother in the ribs and Giada swatted her arm playfully

“Scared! Me too!” Benny smiled back as the clerk produced the marriage license.

“I’m sorry that….” Miri put her head down. A hand reached over to grab hers, squeezing it gently. Cindy smiled at her and then at her dad and new step-mom.

“We’re lucky…Iowa is just next door. Maybe things will change.” Things always change, but Miri held little hope that Missouri would be changing their State Constitution any time soon.

“Maybe some day... but I just don’t see it. It doesn’t seem fair that we can get married and yet our children?” Giada shook her head.

“It’s okay, Mom… we can dream and we can think and plan and look forward to being with each other, no matter what.” Cindy turned and smiled at the clerk before pulling Miri in for a long kiss. Would it last? They had only just turned seventeen and sixteen, and childhood romances in the best circumstances rarely endure.

“I’m with you,” the woman behind the counter said quietly as the girls separated.

“My partner and I got hitched in Massachusetts when she visited her folks. I only wish the rest of the country would wake up.

“Maybe some day.” Benny kissed Miri and Cindy before grabbing Giada’s hand. He pulled out a box from his windbreaker.

“This was my mother’s, Gee….As God is my witness, you make me very happy, and you’ve made my family complete once again. I love you and your children, and I know you love Cindy and Vi just as much as your own. I know it’s a big step for both of us, but I know this is the best thing for us all.” He pulled his new bride in for a kiss and the girls applauded and whistled. The occasion called for some boldness, Giada’s youngest child by seventeen minutes, Elena now instead of Jerry, joined in the applause. It was the first time other than to therapy or a family gathering that she had dressed as herself.

“Mr. Rubio? I…I mean, Dad?” Her voice was tentative and almost fearful, but Benny’s disarming smile broke through the caution.

“I’m…I’m so glad Mom found someone who cares for her…thank…thank you.” Benny didn’t find it at all necessary to receive thanks from his new step-daughters, but he welcomed it just the same. Adele, Miri and Elena all hugged the newest member of the family as their new step-sisters continued to cheer. The clerk interrupted with a very loud whistle.

“Okay, okay, you’re having way too much fun, folks. Let’s just take it outside, shall we?” Everyone turned around and stared in shock until she added.

“We’re the ‘Show-me State,’ after all; maybe your children can show the world that Missouri isn’t as backward as some might believe, you know? Y’all have a wonderful afternoon, okay?” She smiled and the group smiled back as they exited the office.

“Latino AND Italian? What a combo.” Violet laughed as they walked down the steps from city hall.
“So…spice is the variety of life as well, huh Mom?” Miri said, but her words fell upon hard-of-hearing ears as Benny and Giada kissed once again.

“Get a room!” Cindy said and then thought better of it and kissed Miri. Elena and Adele looked at each other, perhaps for the first time as the two sisters they had always been meant to be.

“I feel sorta left out, how about you?” Elena asked, feeling more confident than ever about her new future.

“Well, dear sister, we are supposed to go over to the Pearson’s for the reception, and I know Tori and Danny are there waiting, so be patient. You’ve got a whole lifetime ahead of you, okay?”

---

The Pearson home a short while later...

“So…how…how are you?” Tori said with a halt in her voice.The two girls sat on the front porch. Two girls who had only a few months ago been boys; or rather had been girls who had been thought of as boys. Their relationship was still tentative; both had endured abuse as children, and while that didn’t make them who they were, it kept them in many ways from becoming who they were meant to be.

“I’m okay…I…I missed you.” Elena was shy, not because of the persona she had finally adopted, but because she was unsure as any sixteen year old might be. She was a ‘new’ girl, a ‘new’ friend, a ‘new’ girlfriend, a ‘new’ nearly everything, and she was a bit afraid of how it all might not work out much more than how it would. Tori reached out her hand and held Elena’s.

“I missed you, too. We don’t…we don’t have to do anything. I learned that we don’t have to do anything other than be ourselves. Okay?”

“Can…can I ask you something?” Elena put her head down. Even as Jerry she had always been a bit timid, but now more than ever she was nearly retreating into herself.

“Sure…yes.” Tori was stronger than ever; mostly because of the help she was receiving in therapy, but also because she was finally allowing herself the benefit of the doubt; practicing what she had just preached by being herself.

“When we kissed in the hospital for the first time?” Elena looked down and began to cry. Tori touched her cheek softly and lifted her face by her chin.

“Yes.”

“I…I didn’t ask the question yet.” Elena protested.

“You wanted to know was I a boy or a girl and were you a boy or a girl when we kissed, right?” Tori smiled; it was an expression she had rarely displayed growing up, but something she was enjoying getting used to. She laughed softly and continued.

“Yes….because we sorta were both, weren’t we.” Elena nodded at the words, and Tori finally said,
“But we’re girls, Elena… just girls….and that’s who we are supposed to be. So I have one question for you.” Tori smiled again, this time with just a few tears in her own eyes.

“Yes?”

“Can I kiss you?”

The answer was quick and silent but for a soft murmuring coo from both girls, and seemed to go on forever.

---

“You, my dear, are the prettiest girl in the room,” Danny said as he hugged Adele from behind, his arms squeezing hers.

“I bet you say that to all the girls.” She laughed softly, feeling only a bit insecure.

“You’re quite mistaken, Miss. I have never in my life said that before today,” Danny complained.

“I’ve never been in love before, and I’ll never ever have any need to fall in love again.” He kissed her lightly on the cheek.

“You sure about that? I mean, there are a whole bunch of women out there much prettier than me, Mr. Pearson.

“If there are, you’d have to point them out. I have the most beautiful woman in my arms, and apart from driving a car or fixing dinner or other such things, I have absolutely no intention of letting go.” He spun her around gently, and the levity of the moment departed quickly.

“Adele, honey, I know we still kid about it, but please listen carefully, okay.” Tears welled in Danny’s eyes as he continued; Adele went to shake her head but he said firmly but softly,

“No…before you say a word, listen, because I’m through arguing with you on this point. Every word from my mouth from now on will be positive but for what I’m gonna say right now. You are not less of a girl than anyone else. You are not less pretty in my eyes than anyone else. I may have lived only a few years more than you, but I’ve been around long enough to know you are not anything other than beautiful and precious and worth every bit of treasure this world has to offer. I love you, Adele Magliano. I’ve loved you since I caught you starin’ at me when I came to fix your roof.” She went to protest but he put his finger softly to her lips.

“Never again, Adele…. Every time from now on? It’ll be, ‘How’s my beautiful bride doin’ today?’ or ‘Why lookie here, Ms. Magliano, if you aren’t the sweetest thing this side of heaven,’ I know that sounds really corny, and maybe it is, but it’s all I’ve got since it’s right from my heart.” She looked up into his eyes and saw the most tender soul she would ever behold; the kindest man she would ever meet. And in that one moment, all the hurt and pain…all the shame and doubt of a lifetime vanished forever, finally replaced with the love of a good man.

Baby,
now that I've found you
I won't let you go
I built my world around you
I need you so,
baby even though
You don't need me
now

---

Romance along the Mississippi River didn’t start with the Pearsons and the Rubios and the Maglianos; nor will it end with them. But these three families, carried along in life by their faith and their willingness to grow and change and become transformed, will likely be as good an example of what romance is all about. Love comes in all shapes and sizes and colors and forms and such; some not as welcome as others, but maybe that's just it; the variety of these families that helps us see that love truly does make the world go round. Thank you for your support and encouragement.

---

Walk Away
Words and music by
Kara DioGuardi and Walter Afanasieff
As performed by
Lara Fabian
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qt1ygkerYfM

A Place in This World
Words and Music by
Taylor Swift, Robert Ellis Orrall,
and Angelo Petraglia
as performed by Taylor Swift
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dnMv6eRh38g

This is Me
Words and music by
Andy Dodd and Adam Watts
As performed by Tiffany Alvord
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJlu6Y8w6M8&feature=related

Waves
as performed by
Chandra and Leigh Watson
The Watson Twins
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4x05SJ2WfpA

Friend or Foe
as performed by
The Watson Twins
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VCvlExPNiuk&p=C916CE47C41B43F...

The Time of My Life
Words and Music by
The Traveling Wilburys
(George Harrison, Jeff Lynne, Roy Orbison,
Tom Petty, and Bob Dylan.)
As Performed by
Jenny Lewis and
The Watson Twins
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QXh94o7tAxQ

Shoot the Lights Out
Words and music and performance by
Chandra and Leigh Watson,
The Watson Twins
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzNOUDgmgcI

Who I Am
Words and Music by
Brett James and Troy Verges
As sung by
Jessica Andrews
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=StEWOiybGwg
*lyric changed to reflect storyline

You're Not From Here
Words and Music by
John Bettis, Walter Afanasieff,
Rick Allison, and Lara Fabian
as performed by Lara Fabian
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORUARL84jGo

Just Like Heaven
Words and music by
Boris Bransby-Williams, Simon Gallup,
Robert Smith, Porl Thompson, and Laurence Tolhurst
As performed by the Watson Twins
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ph-2HQiTjyc

More Beautiful You
Composed and Performed by
Johnny Diaz
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gl_enJrgDSU

This Kiss
Words and music by
Beth Nielsen Chapman,
Robin Lerner, and Annie Roboff
As performed by Faith Hill
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tUE6pyYU-U

Rescued
Words and Music by
Marty McCall
As Performed by
Fireworks
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gXqnuhuIiY

Jealous
Words and Music by
Brett Laurence and Shelly Peiken
As Performed by Nina Girado
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7xczqRFP-o

Maybe
Words and Music by
Kelly Clarkson
as Performed by Kelly Clarkson
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OhWUHlEfY4s

A Moment Like This
Words and Music by
Já¶rgen Elofsson and John Reid
As Performed by Kelly Clarkson
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wq5bb3FEkV8

The Call
from the Motion Picture
The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
performed by the composer
Regina Spektor
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7uoC-YTQy8

A Place in this World
Words and music by
Robert Orrall, Angelo Petraglia
and the song's performer, Taylor Swift
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ni-K9kz4r-4
Believer
By Christina Milian
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJ-dPluEl84

Baby, Now that I've Found You
words and music by
Tony Macaulay and John MacLeod
as performed by
Miss Alison Krauss and Union Station
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvKtxTsVoMo