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Strong Caution: Adult themes depicting recovery from sexual and physical abuse as a child.

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No Coincidences!

Penn Wynne, Pennsylvania…

“I’m so sorry Elaine, but we can’t keep you.”

“I thought business was getting better?” she said, trying to blink back tears.

“In some ways, yes, but more people are leaving and Greg didn’t like the trade-off.” Her dismissal was blatantly illegal, but she still had no recourse because of lack of proof. Her termination would read, “Failure to adhere to company policy,” or “Unable to acclimate to work expectations.” Lainey had been working at the store for six months and had her own loyal customers; mostly grand moms and moms. The guys stopped coming altogether save for only a few men who had no problem with the TG salesgirl. If she had been a girl or a boy, even a gay boy or girl, surprisingly, she would have been accepted. She was, however, a non-op TG, for those who enjoy terse stereotypes.

For those of you who prefer the English language instead (or any other language without super-secret codes), Elaine Esposito was a sweet, caring pretty girl with long brown hair, dark blue eyes and dreams and hopes of her own and a completely non-supportive family. Her boyfriend left her after she told him about her “condition.” She had made a commitment to herself not to have sex before marriage, and she did want to be honest before they went any further. She had hoped he would accept her, which he didn’t. She had hoped he wouldn’t hate her, which he did.

She was confused and scared already because of all the answers she never got from all of the books that were never published that explained nothing that she never got to read. There she was; no money for her side of the crowded apartment in which she was no longer welcome; no job to pay for a new apartment in which to move all of the lovely furniture her great-grandmother had given her in her will, only to have her cruddy ex-boyfriend sell it for drugs. And she came from a family where “he” was no longer welcome.

“It’s not fair,” Lainey said as Diane McPherson came from the back of the shop with a nice wine colored sleeveless calf-length dress, which would have looked lovely on Lainey, but for the negative $12.18 in her bank account. Diane ran a consignment shop that sold nice previously “enjoyed” clothing, as they say. Diane noticed the tears in her eyes; an all-too frequent sight these days. Diane had grown tired of this routine, not with Lainey, of course, but with the absolute lack of caring by her family. After being put out of her own home, she had moved in with her grandmother, only to leave when her older brother convinced Grandma to kick the poor girl out.

Later…at Diane’s Clothing Emporium…

“Sweetie, talk to me.” Diane kissed her cheek and handed her a nice lace hankie. Diane was likely the sweetest person you would ever want to meet, but even her sweetness was no match for the bitter and cruel words heaped upon this precious child by her parents ; parents who would have made a stranger seem caring when placed alongside their cold indifference and neglect.

Lainey had been prepared to fight off the tears that came quickly, but her preparations went for naught as she buried her head in Diane’s shoulder, who just stroked her hair. Diane looked upward for guidance before saying,

“Sweetheart, why don’t you come live with me? I’ve had no one to take care of for some time, and Erica’s room will probably suit you.” She held Lainey just enough away to face her and she continued,

“And I want you to come to work with me in the store here.”

“Oh, I couldn’t…It…” Lainey tried to speak, but her sobs interrupted her speech, allowing Diane to add,

“I can’t pay you much, but you won’t have to pay me anything to stay with me. I welcome your company, and you can even help me babysit my granddaughter once and a while.”

“Oh, Mrs. M…I couldn’t.” Lainey tried not to cry, but couldn’t help herself. This was not only too good to be true, but an answer to her prayers.

“I have three conditions for staying with me, however.” Diane said seriously, but her smile indicated otherwise. “First, you must call me Diane, because all my friends call me Diane. Second, you need to know that God and I love you so very much!” Lainey couldn’t believe her ears.” She had just that moment contained her sobbing only to burst into tears again. Between sobs, she managed to squeak out,

“What’s… the third thing?”

“You must pay me back ten dollars whenever you can for this dress,” Diane said as she pointed to the counter.

Diane’s home…some time later…

“If you don’t mind, I’m going to go to bed now,” Lainey said as she excused herself after the movie on TV finished. She walked over to the fridge and retrieved a can of Diet Pepsi.

“Go right ahead, sweetheart,” I’m really tired myself. I’ll get you up at 8:30 so we can have breakfast before we go over to the store.”

Lainey had been living with Diane for a week, and was thrilled to have someone who cared about her. She walked over to her bed and sat down. She took the soda can and placed it on her forehead as a makeshift cold compress for her migraine. Four extra-strength Excedrin barely took the edge off the headache. She had been having the migraines about two to three times weekly for the last six months, owing mostly to tension and poor diet. She stared blankly, trying hard to fulfill the vow she made to not feel sorry for herself, but she failed, and who could blame her.
While she was accepted into Diane’s “family,” her own family rejected her. The absolute acceptance and love of her new “mother” did little to mitigate or remove the pain of rejection from her own mother. And her boyfriend Al did not take her “confession” well; he pushed her away hard enough to bruise her. And while he “sincerely” apologized for his reaction, the loss of his friendship hurt badly enough to cause physical pain. She lay down on her bed on top of the covers, even though there was a slight chill in the room. She put her head down and held the can of soda against her forehead and cried into her pillow until she fell asleep.
~ ~ ~
Later that week…at the store…

“Hey, Diane! How are you?” April Colavito said as she walked in the store. April drove for UPS; a time-honored tradition passed down by her Dad, who drove with Diane’s husband David back in the day. Both dads were Desert Storm veterans; Tony Colavito came home to his family; David McPherson came home “A hero who gave his life above and beyond the call of duty in the meritorious service of his country,” the letter had said.

“Hey, April, I saw your team won the tournament last week. Good Job, girl.”

“Three for five with two RBI, Mrs. M.” April said proudly. To say that April was a tomboy would have been an understatement. She was very athletic, and could probably out outthrow and outhit most guys her age (twenty-six, but don’t tell anyone.)

“Business still good?” April asked as she put the package on the counter.

“I think the economy has actually helped me; people will buy the same dress here at 50% retail because they’re looking for a bargain. Thank God.” Her last expression was entirely sincere and not at all a throw-away phrase. Her faith saw her through her husband’s death and her daughter’s miscarriage and cancer.

Diane was signing for the package when Lainey came from the back room with a pile of dresses she had just tagged.

“Lainey, come meet April.” She said as she turned to accept the dresses from Lainey’s outstretched arms.

“Nice to meet you, April,” Lainey said softly. She quickly excused herself and went back to her work in the rear of the shop.

“Nice to meet you, too, Lainey.” April said. She smiled once again and said,

“There’s something else I wanted to ask you, but I forgot. I’ll give you a call, ‘kay?” With that, April smiled and walked out. Lainey stood at the back of the store watching April exit the store, feeling oddly uncomfortable. And April drove off, wondering just what intrigued her about the twentyish girl she just met.

The following day, Lainey was busy putting some blouses on a clothes rack when April came into the store. She had opened up because Diane had a dental appointment, and probably wouldn’t be in all day.

“Oh, hi, Lainey. How are you?”

“Mrs. M isn’t here.” Lainey actually didn’t try to evade the simple question, but her insecurity made her feel uncomfortable about her own presence in the store, and her answer was her way of explanation.

“That’s okay, you can sign for it.” She handed the package to Lainey, who signed the electronic pad and placed the package on the stool behind the counter. She noticed that April was wearing shorts, which delivery drivers often do. She also noticed that she noticed April’s shorts, and that made her uncomfortable and confused.

“Would you mind passing along a message to Mrs. M? I remembered that I’m having a picnic at my house…actually I already knew I had a picnic, I just remembered I wanted to invite Diane. It’s this Sunday. Oh, and Lainey? You’re welcome to come. After all, any friend of Diane’s is a friend of mine.”

April walked out of the store, leaving Lainey alone with her understandable confusion. She had been in a relationship with a guy for three months, albeit with no “action,” and she was under the impression that dating Al was what she was supposed to do, being a boy transitioning to a girl. But she wasn’t “supposed” to do anything. If she wanted to, it would probably been alright, depending upon what she really wanted or not. And if she even wanted to remain unattached, that would have been okay, since it was her life we’re talking about. But she was confused about “roles” and “clothing;” rejection by family and friends, coupled with expectations and demands by others, can lead to confusing and altogether hasty choices.

Once she was able to slow down and actually decide what she wanted out of life, her decisions would become better for her because they would be her decisions and no one else’s. And as she sorted the clothes, she remembered what April had said. “Any friend of Diane is a friend of mine.” Two words stuck out that made her day go that much better. First, “friend;” it was good to have a new friend. And second, “mine;” she didn’t quite understand it, but it felt even more special to be considered a friend of April.

“Glad you could make it, Diane,” April said as she opened the door. April was dressed in a nice sky blue halter top with khaki shorts, which set off her muscular legs nicely; almost anyone would see her and say, what a girl!” Her long blond hair was pulled back in a ponytail, revealing cute adorable ears and a slender neck featuring a nearly invisible scar from an old softball injury. She smiled as she looked over Diane’s shoulder.

“Where’s Lainey, couldn’t she come?” April said with a disappointed frown.

“I think she’s too uncomfortable; she’s shy and she’s still dealing with some family issues.” Diane said with a frown of her own.

“Her family can’t handle that she’s TG?” April said unexpectedly. Diane looked at her and her eyes widened, hoping she hadn’t said anything to embarrass Lainey when April continued.

“I sorta noticed her Adam’s Apple; you know? So don’t worry, it’ll be our secret,” April said as if there were others present.

“She’s just been so fragile since her parents and her grandmother kicked her out of their homes. And she just broke up with her boyfriend.” Diane said.

“Tell her I’m sorry she couldn’t come. I know just how she feels, Diane.” April said as she nodded and frowned again. Diane looked at her with a questioning expression and April continued.

“It was rough going for a while with me and the ‘rents, Diane. I came home from college a few years back, and Terry, my date for the evening, seemed to displease Mom and Dad; I guess that Theresa isn’t a good name for a date when your parents are expecting Terence?” She blew out a frustrated breath.

“We eventually broke up, but not before Mom and Dad apologized and accepted Terry. We just weren’t going anywhere. So here I am, free as the proverbial bird. Anyway, tell Lainey she’s welcome any time.”

April paused again in thought. She walked back into her house and grabbed a post-it off her kitchen counter, scribbled something on it, and pasted it on the front door before saying,

“Hell, let’s just go tell her ourselves!”

The next guest to arrive found this message,

“Running a quick errand, back in 10, let yourself in, drinks in fridge — April”

The deck was filled with people. April’s cousin Connie was there with her husband Kenny along with her twin cousins on her mother’s side, Marie and Toni. And some new friends from church she met through Connie and Kenny; Dr. Gina and Dr. Ben Kelly, along with their bull terrier, Rocco. Diane stood at one corner of the deck, keeping Lainey company. April walked over to the pair with Connie and Kenny and said,

“You’ve met Diane.” Diane stepped closer to Connie and said,

“I just loved your singing this morning at church.” Connie smiled in appreciation.

“And this is our new friend, Lainey Esposito.”
Lainey would have backed away, but she was already leaning against the deck railing. April leaned closer and uncharacteristically gave Lainey a hug. She went to separate but found herself kissing the girl on the cheek. Lainey’s southern Sicilian heritage had blessed her with a dark complexion that did much to mask her understandable embarrassment. April’s mixed Northern Italian and Danish heritage blessed her with an almost alabaster complexion that did little to mask the growing redness on her face.

~ ~ ~

Growing Friendship

At the store…

“Hey, Mrs. M. Good morning.” April walked into the shop with a small package as Diane was opening a box of plastic hangers. “Have a good time Sunday?” April had some friends and family over the past weekend.

“I had a great time, sweetie. Thanks for having me and Lainey over.” She put the box on the counter and walked up to April to give her a hug. UPS drivers usually don’t get hugs, at least on the job, but Diane wanted to talk with April, and she figured it would be easier to take what she had to say with a hug.

“You seemed a little…nervous when we left. Is everything okay?” April was a “lot” nervous when they left; so much so that she tried to shake Lainey’s hand and Lainey tried to hug her and they ended in a very awkward half-embrace.

April blew out a breath and looked away, trying to come up with a fib. She was never good at lying, which is actually a good thing, but she wished she could lie to Diane. “Do you think anyone else picked up on that?” She asked, hoping that the answer was no, which it wasn’t.

“Sweetie, everybody picked up on it. I’m surprised that Channel Six didn’t have a report Sunday night,” she teased. “I think the bright red on your face gave it away.”

“You know me, Mrs. M. I’ll let someone I know…like you…to hug me, but I never hug anybody, and I never gave anybody a kiss on the cheek.” She wasn’t “only” a tomboy; she liked girly stuff just as much as anyone, although she’d never admit it. And the girly stuff would never get in the way of softball or volleyball. But this was different. Even when she was with her girlfriend Terry, she never, ever showed a display of affection in public. And she really didn’t mind how she felt when she kissed Lainey, even if it was only a kiss on the cheek; it’s just that the kiss was totally out-of-the-blue, like they say. And the kiss was entirely nice; she felt something that she hadn’t felt in a long time.

She was attracted to Lainey, and it confused her. She was under the impression that since she was attracted to girls, it made no sense to be attracted to a boy who wanted to be a girl, or at least lived like one. She was under the same poor impression that she “had” to feel one way or another. And the rejection by her parents, although now forgiven and healed, still left her with a fear that whatever choice she made about her life would be wrong.

“Apart from your obvious embarrassment, I don’t think anyone would have taken notice of it.” Diane wasn’t saying this to criticize, only to reassure April that there was nothing wrong with being attracted to Lainey. In fact, it was probably a good thing, since Diane believed that both girls were sweet and caring, and actually had something in common, save for the “real” girl’s interest in sports and the “wannabe’s” interest in dresses and collecting dolls Please excuse the labels, since they’re just a way to contrast — they’re both girls after all.

Diane reached over and gave April another hug and kissed her on her neck, like a blessing. April tried to pull away, but Diane would have none of that. She held her tight and hugged her anyway.

“Sweetheart, I’ve been through a lot, and I know that life’s too short to live your life to satisfy someone else’s expectations. Stop by for dinner after work and we can talk more. Lainey’s going to be at the shop this evening, so we’ll have some alone time. I think I need to tell you a story that might help you discover what you really want.

Diane had not really lied to April. Lainey did work that evening, but closed early at Diane’s request. “Girl’s night in,” Diane had told her. Lainey closed up the shop at seven after a fairly busy afternoon. A nice lady from Havertown bought some blouses and a dark green mid-length skirt. She had a good time talking to Mrs. Giordano, a sweet grandma who Lainey knew from her old neighborhood; at eighty-five, she didn’t look a day over seventy.

Lainey loved to sing, and she got to sing to herself when she was alone in the store. She had a sweet voice; she was always disappointed that it was more in the alto/tenor range, but that’s what God blessed her with, so she tried to be thankful as she sang. Diane had said that dinner would be waiting, and she was hungry; her appetite had returned when her migraines finally abated, and she was feeling better about herself. She paused as she locked the door to the shop and wondered what April was doing right about now. She found herself thinking about April a lot, and she corrected herself almost every time for something that was really innocent and rather nice.

April sat at the kitchen table as Diane prepared dinner; fried flounder with potatoes and sautéed’ green beans. Some might think that too hearty a meal for two (actually three) women, but there I go with stereotypes again. And neither girl knew that Diane was serving some sound advice along with desert.

April was just taking a gulp of her Diet Pepsi when Lainey walked in. Both girls were surprised, as you might expect, since Diane hadn’t told either of them that they both would be having dinner together. Lainey’s Sicilian heritage did nothing for her this night, and she blushed red enough to be noticed. And as you might expect, April made Lainey look pale in comparison. Diane looked at both girls and said,

“Oh, did I forget to tell you?” She said this as she moved her gaze back and forth between the two, trying very hard to suppress a laugh.

“I hope you both like chocolate chip mint ice cream.”

Dinner was uncomfortable for both Lainey and April, despite the excellent food and bright and witty conversation, mostly from Diane. April was about to thank Diane for the meal and go home, and Lainey was about to ask to be excused. Diane looked at them as they each eyed their respective “escape” routes.

“Don’t even think of leaving, young lady,” she said and actually grabbed Lainey’s hand.

“And where do you think you’re going, my dear?” as April got up from the table. She grabbed April’s hand and then led both of them into the dining room and sat them both down at the table opposite each other. A photo album lay open on the table.

“Coffee or tea, ladies?”

April kept looking at her watch, as if she had someplace she had to be. She wanted to be somewhere else rather than sit across from the girl she was becoming awkwardly attracted to. Lainey kept looking at the clock on the wall, like Cinderella waiting for the stroke of twelve. Diane grabbed each girl’s hand and said,
“I wanted to show you something. You know, there’s no better thing in the world than friendship.” She pointed to a photo of two girls, about sixteen or so, sitting on a bench at the Philadelphia Zoo in front of a huge cage of exotic birds. Both girls were smiling as if they’d never grow any older.

“We spent the day there; we skipped class and caught holy hell the next day.” She laughed at her rare profanity and pointed to another picture. The same girls were sitting on a big rock by a lake, holding hands. Now girls hold hands from time to time; maybe if they’re scared at the movies or if they’re doing something silly. The two girls in the picture, however, were holding hands because they were in love.

“Ronni was a year younger than me, but she was so much more confident and sure about herself. It was the day before my sixteenth birthday and I had just found out that I was pregnant.” April looked at Diane and grabbed her hand. Lainey actually said, “Ooh,” like you hear when girls watch a romantic movie.

“I didn’t think I could handle it; I would never have done anything…I wanted to keep the baby, but I was so scared. Ronni told me everything would be okay, and I just knew it would be.” Diane had tears in her eyes, but they weren’t from sadness. She pointed to a family photo newly adorning her dining room wall. Diane was holding a cute toddler with lovely Asian features. Her son-in-law was leaning over as he kissed her cheek. Erica was on the other side doing the same.

“My granddaughter and her parents.” She pointed to a photo in the album of Erica and continued,

“Ronni was right; everything did turn out okay, for the most part. Erica’s my sweet baby; she still calls me “Mommy,” you know. I don’t know how we would have gotten along…oh; we never would have had to worry. I loved her father very much, and we got married just after he graduated.

“Ronni was my best friend; probably the best friend a girl could ever have. I still miss her to this day,” Diane said as she blinked back tears and continued.

“She died in Iraq when my husband David jumped on a grenade to save his platoon.” Lainey started crying, and she was joined by April, who felt embarrassed. She had made too many conclusions about what was right and what was wrong for her; again, dear readers, an observation, not a criticism. Diane leaned over and stroked April’s cheek.

“That’s so sweet, honey,” she said as she wiped a tear with her hand. She squeezed Lainey’s arm and said,

“It’s okay, sweetheart, really it is.” She pointed to another photo, the last photo of her and David and Erica taken just before he had shipped out. “This is the last photo I have of Ronni and David together; I was so proud when they left, and even prouder when they came home. Their grave markers are next to each other.”

“I just see a little girl standing next to you and David, Mrs. M. Where’s Ronni?” April asked.

“Oh, she’s right there, if you look hard enough.” Diane said with a smile even as she cried just a little more. “They’re both there, just not how you’d expect. I’m sure you might have some pictures like this, Lainey?” We can forgive Lainey if she didn’t see it right then and there; she was a very smart girl, and she would have figured it out on her own if she hadn’t been weeping into Diane’s sleeve. But April said,

“Oh, God…Mrs. M!” She was surprised, but not shocked. She grabbed Lainey’s arm and pointed to the picture; a surprisingly forward act since she still didn’t know Lainey that well and since she had decided never to touch Lainey again. Lainey looked up and wiped her tears with her sleeve. She gently touched the photo and pointed to David.

“Yes, honey. My sweet Ronni and my adorable David.” She blinked back a tear and continued.
“Sweetheart. Please promise me you’ll always let someone love you, no matter what. Please promise me you’ll love someone, no matter what.” April thought that Diane was only talking to Lainey, but she looked straight at April and said,

“And that goes for you, too, young lady!”

Two very attractive but decidedly different women walked side by side up to the kangaroo exhibit at the Philadelphia Zoo; one a little older, very athletic, tall and blond; the other a little younger, sweet, and pretty and somewhat shorter. The sun was out in full force so they came prepared. The taller, older of the two wore a Phillies cap, which partially covered her blond hair, which was much longer than usual and pulled back in a pony tail, revealing the nice topaz studs in her newly pierced ears. She wore a nice silk teal halter and khaki shorts, which set off her athletic legs quite well.

The shorter, younger girl wore a broad dark blue straw hat over gorgeous brown hair. She wore a nice pink floral print midi-dress, which was just short enough to reveal the new tattoo on her right ankle; a fruit dove over a heart. The shorter girl held a guide to the exhibits in her left hand. The taller, older girl pointed to a wallaby that had hopped up to the edge of the fence. Her left hand was entwined in the other girl’s right hand.

“Ladies?” A voice came from behind. They turned and smiled as their best friend and “Mom” took their picture. Both girls put their heads together and smiled. The younger girl had not had much to smile about for a long time, and her companion was a welcome support and comfort. And the older girl had not allowed herself to smile much, but was enjoying the practice more and more each day.

“Oh, come on, you two, you can do better than that.” Diane snapped the picture just as the two kissed, much more than sisters. In fact, they kissed just like they were married, which they were, after all.

None of this should be a complete surprise, dear readers. The zoo, the store, the neighborhood? They might be located in the greater Philadelphia/West Chester area, but neighborhoods like these also exist everywhere you look; everywhere you turn; everywhere you may go. The supportive and loving and caring friend? Folks like her live everywhere . You see, they don’t just dwell in Pennsylvania. They all live in Providence — God’s providence.

Intersections

A few months later, at the store…

Lainey locked the door and pocketed the key in her skirt. It was raining, so she pulled her shawl over her head and walked to her car. Diane was home already, cooking a nice meal for her and April along with Mark and Erica and Marie. Her appetite had improved a little over the past few weeks, and she was looking forward to dinner; partly for the food, but mostly for the company of her wife, her “Mom” and her new friends.

Tim Banfield staggered to his pickup at six-fifteen that evening after two hours of commiserating with his buddies over the fate of the Eagles defense, which had taken a hit when two of their best cornerbacks both went out with knee injuries last Saturday.

"Goddam shame...stupid pre-season." Tim didn't have much to cheer for. He had just found out his overtime was cut and his wife was "nagging" him to get help. His wife was actually a sweet and entirely forbearing woman who had put up with Tim's drinking and loud behavior for years. What she wanted was simple and necessary; Tim still was dealing with the guilt over his brother's suicide, and his anger had turned inward, like it does with many. He had two ulcers and his blood-pressure was through the roof. She just wanted him to get help.

After several minutes of driving through an unremarkable neighborhood down Bowman Avenue, Tim noticed a new renovation being done on the way home. He was distracted enough by the five beers and the scenery to miss the sharp turn in the road, and his pickup careened into a tree. He had tail-spun and the driver's side door was crushed against the old oak. He was too drunk and too injured to get out of the truck. The gas tank had ruptured, and the broken chassis had scraped against a large rock next to the tree, igniting the gas and the truck was in danger of being consumed. Tim pulled in vain against the broken seatbelt latch, and he passed out, just as a woman reached in from the passenger side to pull him out.

The hospital…hours later…

Tim woke up at three-thirty-six AM, and fought back the stupor of the anesthesia to sit up. His head felt like it had been hit by a boulder. He slowly gained focus and noticed that his left leg was in a cast. He found out later that he had broken his tibia on impact. The pain in his left side told him that something was wrong; the nurse told him later that the doctor would be in to discuss the repair to his ruptured spleen. He looked to his left, and sleeping upright in a chair was his wife, who had held vigil throughout his surgery and into recovery before arriving at the ICU. He looked to his right and noticed through the partially drawn curtain a young woman resting fitfully in the bed next to his. The woman's right arm was wrapped in dressing to help with the healing of the burns; thankfully only on the wrist and only second degree. She had sustained a large cut over her left eye and a concussion when the truck had exploded, sending her into the ground as she had dragged Tim to safety.

A tall blond girl sat by her side, holding her hand and praying. She looked somewhat familiar, and he decided she looked like Kerri Walsh, the volleyball champ.He noticed that she had been crying. After that he remembered little as the pain meds kicked in and he fell back into a restful sleep.

Tim was transferred to a room the following morning. He noticed that the bed next to his was occupied by the same woman he had seen in ICU. She was sleeping quietly. The blond was sitting next to her once again, and she had been joined by another woman, dark haired, fiftyish who was stroking the woman's hair. She looked up and smiled at Tim. Had he a mirror handy, he would have seen the scowl on his face. He did, however, notice that the older woman continued smiling at him before the nurse came to give him his meds.

"Mr. Banfield, it's great seeing you looking better. Dr. Javrad will be in to see you this morning to discuss follow-up care while you continue to heal. Things are looking good."

He had actually paid little attention to the nurse as his eyes were fixed on the women to his left.

"I thought they didn't mix men and women in rooms. Why the change?"

"I really shouldn't discuss this with you, Mr. Banfield. Let's just focus on your own care, shall we?" The nurse wasn't really trying to be abrupt; she just anticipated that he might not be satisfied with her answer.

"Seriously, what the hell is she doing in my room?" He said, taking ownership of the room and preparing to exercise absolute dominion in his new kingdom. The blond turned around and looked at him with a glare. She wanted to hit Tim at that point since she was angry and upset over his insensitivity, but she bit her lip and remained quiet. The older woman looked straight at him and without batting an eye said,

"This room is as much HIS as it is yours!" Tim's eyes widened in indignation as he took in what the woman had just said.

"What do you mean HIS?" He spat. Diane McPherson was no one to be "spat" at, and she said calmly,
"I mean...my good friend here is recovering from her injuries." She smiled ever so slightly, evoking the following response.

"Oh...I get it. He's one of those..." He paused, took a breath for effect; and said, "Faggots!" By April had had enough, and it was a choice between biting her tongue right through or saying just what was on her mind, which she did.

"Shut the fuck up, you moron!" She was almost in tears, quite uncharacteristic for her, but she was highly protective of her husband.

"What did you just say?" It was patently obvious to everyone; Diane, Tim’s wife, April, the nurse, the staff in the hallway; the staff down the hallway, everyone; what April just said. She repeated herself nonetheless.

"I said, shut the fuck up you moron. This faggot, as you put it, is the girl who saved your life, you ungrateful bastard!" She turned and Diane grabbed her arm and pulled her closer. She was actually crying in front of other people; something April hadn't done since she was eleven years old. Diane pulled her into a hug and patted her back. The smile had not left Diane's face, and she looked once again at Tim before closing the curtain on their side. Tim's wife looked at him, took a deep breath, blinked out some tears of her own and said as Tim looked at her,

"I'll be at my mother's; give me a call when you're ready to come home." With that, she got up from her chair and walked out of the room.

Lainey had been home from the hospital for two weeks, and had only just that day returned to the store. Her migraines had returned with a vengeance, owing more to stress, although the concussion hadn’t help. She was met by Diane at the door, who handed her a couple of gift cards from Shop-Rite, along with a bottle of Shiraz and a hug.
“Light duty, today, sweetheart.” Diane said, pointing to the recliner sitting at the back of the store. She had her son-in-law move it from the house to the store over the weekend, so that Lainey would have some company during the day without having to miss work.

“You can supervise and look over the books for me,” Diane said, handing Lainey a laptop and a cup of Chamomile. April came in about nine-thirty with a delivery for Diane and a nice kiss for Lainey.

“I am so proud of you, honey,” April said. She had never been one for terms of endearment or physical displays of affection, but her love for Lainey had changed that. “I’ll swing by and pick you up about six or so. The coast is clear, by the way,” April said, using an old phrase. She had run interference for Lainey with the reporters after the accident. April had explained that they needed their privacy.

About eleven-fifteen, the door opened, and a woman about Diane’s age walked into the store.

“Please let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.” Diane said, and returned her attention to unpacking a box of hangers. The woman came up about ten minutes later with two blouses and a nice wool skirt.

“I just noticed this store last Friday. How long have you been here?”

Diane looked at her and wondered why she looked so familiar.

“Six years in August; we were at the mall for quite a while before that, but the rents were too high.” Diane said and tried not to stare, but the woman reminded her of someone. Just then, Lainey walked out from the back. The woman looked past Diane and said coldly,

“Eddie.” Lainey looked up and saw the woman and simply said,

“Mom.” Just “Mom,” before quickly walking into the storeroom. Lainey stayed in the back for the entire time her mother remained in the store. She couldn’t help but hear the back-and-forth debate going on between her mother and Diane, and she cried, harder than she had in months.

“Mrs. Esposito, I want you to know that Lainey has been such a help to me.

“His name is Edward… why can’t you use his name?” She said, her face turning crimson.

“Elaine…Lainey,” Diane made a point to use her name once again, “is your daughter. It is very upsetting that you didn’t even bother to visit her in the hospital.” Diane was losing patience with the woman.

“We… I…” She really had no excuse, but she tried to make one, anyway. “We’ve decided that as long as he insists on acting this way.”

“Acting… Mrs. Esposito? Your daughter nearly died saving the life of a stranger and all you can say is…” Diane didn’t get angry often. But when she did…

“Listen to me. Your daughter is one of the most caring, thoughtful people I know. She is brave… brave, Mrs. Esposito. I can’t understand how anyone… anyone can abandon their own child. She is precious to me, lady, and I will not allow you to…” The woman tried to interrupt, but Diane wouldn’t have it. She was in tears by now, but she continued.

“This girl needs her mother, and if you won’t do the right thing… If you can’t be a mother to your own child, then I will!” Diane said this and looked at Donna Esposito, waiting for an answer. When she received none, she picked up the clothing on the counter and put it in a store bag.

“I’ve changed my mind.” Mrs. Esposito said angrily. Diane grabbed the bag off the counter and walked around. She grabbed the woman by the arm, and before she knew it, Donna Esposito was standing outside on the sidewalk. Diane threw the bag at her feet and said,

“That’s okay. Fair exchange! The clothes for your daughter! And I’m the one getting the bargain!” She turned to walk back into the store, but stopped and turned once again.

“And by the way; all sales are final!” She turned again, by now crying angry tears. She walked into the store and slammed the door, breaking three panes of glass.

The rest of the day was fairly uneventful until about three-thirty, when Julia Banfield came into the store accompanied by her husband Tim. The big man was on crutches; his leg in a cast. He walked gingerly up to Lainey, who was sitting in the recliner reading her Bible. Tim stood silent and his wife gently touching his arm as if to offer encouragement.

“I… I wanted to thank you for…” His voice choked up, probably for the first time in his life, but he continued. “Thank you for saving me. I’ve been thinking….I’m sorry for what I said at the hospital. I’m sorry for what I did…” Tim was prepared to justify his behavior, but something changed as he looked at Lainey. Her face already expressed the forgiveness Tim had yet to ask for.

“You remind me of him… of her,” he corrected himself. It was awkward, almost alien for Tim to refer to Billy as “her,” but after his near-death experience, things had changed… he had changed. Tears came to his eyes as the guilt and shame of his behavior toward his sister came back like a flood and would have engulfed him but for the hand on his arm.

“It’s okay, Mr. Banfield. I forgive you,” Lainey said through her own tears. “I think if Billy was here, she’d forgive you too.” Tim had not known that Billy Banfield was one of Lainey’s best friends in high school, and Lainey had been devastated at her death. It wasn’t just ironic that Lainey was the one driving by when Tim wrecked his truck. His rescue was one of …providence.

“Mr. Banfield,” Lainey said softly, but with authority nonetheless, “you’re forgiven.” In a way, at that moment, Lainey was a part of saving Tim Banfield for the second time.

About a month later, Diane had Lainey and April over for their weekly pizza and wings. Things had settled down somewhat, but the two needed some “Mom” time and Diane was just the one to provide it.

“Who wants ice cream?” Diane called from the kitchen. The girls were sitting on the couch watching “My First Place” on cable. April waved and nodded, but Lainey didn’t respond. She didn’t eat any wings, and a slice of pizza sat on a paper plate on the table in front of her, untouched. She had little appetite the last few weeks; depression will do that to you.

Despite Tim Banfield’s apology, Lainey felt poorly about herself. You may already know this; some people grow depressed over disappointment or failure. Some become depressed over a sad event or circumstance. Very few, but still all too many become depressed over a success or good circumstance. Lainey was sad and overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy despite being regarded as a hero by people she didn’t even know; it was too painful to realize that she was more appreciated by strangers than her own family.

A few days later, Lainey and April sat on the couch in their living room while April finished a phone call. After hanging up, April looked over at Lainey with a grin and said.

“Lainey, honey, we need to talk.” It was a smiling “we need to talk,” which helped Lainey relax while April continued.

“Now you know I always use “she” and “her” when I refer to you, right?” Lainey nodded, but wondered where this was leading. “And you know that you’re my girl, right?” Lainey once again nodded, but said,

“Okay… and?”

“Well, we may have to re-think how we use a word or two…” April started to grin again, causing Lainey to say,

“What? What?” She became nervous, wondering what this was all about until April stated,

“Lainey, honey… you’re going to be a Daddy.” She smiled broadly and hugged Lainey while laughing joyfully.” Lainey pushed back gently and looked at April and asked again,

“What… what did you say?”

“Sweetie… I’m expecting…. You’re going to be a Daddy.” She smiled again. Lainey looked at her wife once again, took a deep breath… stared away for just a second and burst into tears. You will forgive the emotion of the moment. It would be nice to report that Lainey was overcome with joy; that would come much later. It would be understandable to report that she was overwhelmed by her ongoing depression. While that was part of it, it wasn’t why she wept. She buried her head in April’s shoulders and cried harder than she had in months because she was convinced that she would be the worst father in the world… ever.

The next day, Lainey busied herself about the store, making a point to occupy herself enough so as to avoid any conversation with Diane. She had not wanted to talk about the baby, but April had called Diane the day before, partly to tell her the good news, and partly for advice and prayer concerning Lainey’s response. Diane noticed that Lainey was avoiding her, so she calmly walked to the front of the store. She locked the door and pulled down the shade, but not before putting the “closed” sign up in the window. She turned and walked to where Lainey was standing, her back turned away. She grabbed her and turned her around.

“What’s wrong, sweetie?” Diane asked, already knowing the answer. She had seen the same look on someone else years ago. Lainey looked at her and realized it would be pointless to deny it, so she said,

“Oh, Mom.” Diane smiled inside at the word. “I’m so scared.”

“Honey, you’re going to be okay. You’ll be just fine.” She smiled and hugged her again before saying,

“I think you’ll be great parent.” Diane walked to the stool behind the counter and grabbed her purse. Walking to the front once again, she unlocked the door and gestured back to Lainey to come.

“I think we need to take an early lunch, sweetie. And I know just what to serve. Tuna melt with tomato, raspberry iced tea and… hope!”

New Providence

Lainey sat at Diane's kitchen table, her half-eaten tuna melt (with tomato) sitting in front of her. Diane had retrieved her photo album from the dining room and was looking through it for the one picture that would help Lainey.

To be sure, the album was filled with photos of Diane's life with her two loves. You may recall that Diane was a war-widow, who had lost both her husband and best friend in the same instant when a grenade went off. Her best friend and her husband were one in the same, and the loss left twin voids in her heart. Ronni McPherson was perhaps the best part of David; while taking nothing away from the brave man that he was, Ronni made a connection with Diane that went beyond special. And if she were here, she'd probably have said that Ronni was David all along; that David was just a name that she held at times, but that the woman she was made the person they had become, if you follow me. And as I've said on more than one occasion, Ronni (and perhaps others, even yourself) might have been born for all the wrong reasons, but she became the wonderful person she was for all the right ones. It was in this context that Diane wanted to talk with Lainey.

"Here, sweetie," Diane said. "At least drink some of the raspberry tea; I know it's your favorite." Diane said, placing a glass in front of Lainey. She was sitting at the table with her head resting on her arms. She wasn't crying, although she might as well have been for all the heartache she felt. Diane was concerned about her because of her fear about becoming a father; yes, we won't mix meanings or pronouns too much, but she was going to be a daddy, and she feared that she would be the worst father ever. Diane already knew even before she had admitted it, since she had experienced this once before a long time ago.

"Take a look at this," Diane pointed to a picture in the album. Two girls, the same two girls from previous photos, sat in the same place on the same rock, holding hands. Diane was wearing a nice lilac gauze dress, which looked even nicer enhanced by the baby-bump in front. She was about six months pregnant, and her face was full of joy and hope. Ronni, on the other hand, looked forlorn; the word was appropriate, since she looked entirely different and as if she lost her best friend. Actually, apart from Diane, she had lost her best friend. Ronni had disappeared completely; her place had been taken by David, who certainly had a right to be there. But David really didn't want to be there. David didn't want to wear jeans and a tee shirt. David didn't want to have a crew-cut. David didn't want to read magazines about fishing and cabinetry. But he did all these things nonetheless.

"He looks so sad. I thought he would be happy. Wasn't he happy about Erica? Didn't he want to be a father?" Lainey asked these questions in almost a staccato, but Diane had anticipated every one of her questions, since she had helped David answer the same questions years ago. Diane then asked Lainey a question. Now hair length is a fairly innocuous subject, but the question was perhaps the most important question Lainey would ever have to answer.

"Why do you think she cut her hair?" Diane said, even though David was in the photo. Lainey thought for a moment, as if she were answering a question on the SAT's or Jeopardy. She wanted desperately to have the right answer because deep down she knew it was her own question as well.

"I...I think she thought she had to cut her hair." No struggle, no difficulty. Sometimes we can see our own solutions in other's suffering or triumph. We may see our life as better or worse when placed in the context of another's life. And this day, Lainey found her answer in something as simple as hair length.

"Ronni was convinced that she couldn't be a father to Erica unless she wasn't Ronni anymore. Imagine taking away Beethoven's piano or Rembrandt's brush; imagine Dickens or Poe without a pen; Spielberg without a camera." Diane wasn't really trying to be eloquent, and perhaps she was a tad melodramatic, but Lainey needed to see for herself just how important Lainey was in the process.

"Sweetheart, Lainey, honey; what is it that you enjoy most in the whole wide world?"
"Really? I love....helping people." Apart from the supreme assistance, if I may put it that way, that Lainey provided when she saved Tim Banfield's life, Lainey actually loved to encourage people; she just wanted everyone to be as good and as fulfilled as possible.

"And what about Eddie,” Diane almost cringed at the spoken name; she didn't mind Eddie Esposito at all, per se; she hadn't even met him, if you follow me. She just knew how difficult it was for Lainey to hear the name she had been given at birth, since she no longer was Eddie.

"I...I don't know." She didn't know, because she never knew. Lainey never received any support or encouragement in either of her personae, and what support and encouragement she had received came from friends and new "family" who had accepted her.

"Do you want to be a Daddy, sweetheart?" A simple question, perhaps somewhat redundant, given their conversation, but really necessary.

"What do you mean?" Lainey really didn't understand until Diane asked,

"Do you want to be a mommy,” Diane’s choice of words weren't condescending; her own thirty-two year old daughter called her Mommy.

"No...I don’t" And here's where everything came together, albeit with a little sorrow but a great deal of joy.

"You want to be a daddy...yes?" Diane asked, already knowing the answer.

"Yes...I want to be what I’m supposed to be." Lainey began to cry. Now what would cause her to cry, dear reader. Perhaps you've asked yourself these same questions, or something like them, in your lifetime. Perhaps you've cried tears of grief even before you have experienced the loss. And perhaps you have had a friend or loved one who helped you understand that your tears were premature. I certainly hope you have.

"Sweetie,” Diane’s eyes were filled with tears; as much for the memory of her love for Ronni as for the love of this dear child before her.

"You don't have to stop being Elaine Esposito in order to be the daddy. Do you understand?" She paused before continuing, choking back her own tears even as she wiped the tears of her friend.

"Ronni cut her hair because someone, several people in fact, told her that David was the father and that she needed to step aside. They meant well, but they didn't know that if Ronni stepped aside, David would die inside, and Erica would have been left with a caretaker instead of a father. Ronni was my best friend and lover; David was my best friend and lover; to separate them would have been death for both. You can't deny who you are, sweetie, no matter what anyone says. Lainey will make an excellent father because Lainey is who you are." Diane remembered the joy on Ronni's face when she learned that truth, and the same look of peace and joy swept like a refreshing breeze across Lainey's face. The two women held each other and wept tears of joy.

"I can be a daddy?" Lainey said quietly as her weeping subsided.

"You already are, sweetie. You already are. And here’s the best part, honey. You can be a mommy, too."

What's in a Name?

April and Lainey sat on the couch. Erica had some errands to run and Mark was still at the studio going over arrangements with the band for the second CD. Diane had invited the couple to dinner along with her daughter and son-in-law; ostensibly for a nice evening in. It would be a nice evening, but not at all how they expected. A knock came at the door, followed by Erica's voice,

"Hey, Mommy, we're here," She poked her head in, Marie asleep in her car carrier behind her on the front step. April got up and opened the door wider and gave Erica a nice hug. Displays of affection, while still unfamiliar for April; were becoming at least more frequent and comfortable. She had been under some impressions about how a girl like her should behave, and much of what she thought she had to do was no longer an issue of "have to" and more of what she actually wanted or preferred.

"Mark got held up at the studio, but he'll be here later for desert." Erica said and smiled at her mother with a conspiratorial grin. April noticed the expression, but just figured it was something they did; daughter to mother. She regretted having little relationship with her own mother despite the reconciliation that had taken place months before. Her mother and father loved her and had grown to accept Lainey, albeit awkwardly, and they were still working on displays of affection like their daughter. Lainey stood up and walked over and hugged Erica and moved Marie's car carrier to where she had been seated on the couch.

April was about to close the door when she realized she was at the risk of being rude by closing the door in someone's face.

"Oh, gosh, I'm sorry." April said as she widened the gap to allow the woman on the front step to enter. She didn't know the woman, but she looked familiar. "Are you Maired? Mark's sister, right?"

The attractive redhead smiled and said softly, "Yes." She held out her hand and shook April's hand while saying, “You’re the "tall" one, so you must be April; that means the "short" one must be Lainey. I'm glad to finally meet you." She wasn't being rude; she and Lainey kidded each other about their decided difference in height, and Diane must have told Maired about their banter. You may recall that April resembled Kerri Walsh and Lainey favored Ally Sheedy.

"Oh, sweetheart, I'm so glad you could come; I don't see you that often, and I've missed you ever so," Diane called out from the kitchen. Dinner's just about ready, so why don't you ladies have a seat. Erica, honey, would you come help?"

"That's okay, Mrs. M. I'm already up," April said and walked into the kitchen. Diane had wanted to talk with Erica alone for a minute to "finalize" the evening, but no matter, she already had in mind what she wanted to say.

"I'm sure he'll be here any second," Diane said. Mark was expected for desert, but would have a hard time attending on such short notice considering he was already at the table drinking tea. You do recall that Maired and Mark are the same person, dear reader? She usually didn't venture out often for social events, but her presence was needed this evening if Diane's plans for a great evening were to come to pass.

"Mommy, you are just the best cook in the universe," Erica said. She called her mother Mommy all the time; a habit born in childhood that happily transitioned to the present. April and Lainey had become adopted daughters in a sense by Diane, and while they felt accepted, neither could bring themselves to use the endearing term. Lainey called Diane Mom once and a while, but April still had trouble with the term, using "Mrs. M." or the occasional "Diane."

Years of neglect and rejection by both sets of parents had hurt them to the point where they still felt tentative about their acceptance; like a dog or a cat that's been abused but still skittish even after being adopted by a nice family. April still felt the hurt of rejection of her former girlfriend by her parents, and the implied rejection of her as well. Her mom and dad finally had a change of heart and asked for and received forgiveness. But April still functioned as a rejected child; she still had a hard time accepting hugs and kisses from loving friends and her new family.

And Lainey, God bless her, had no one in her own family to turn to. You may recall that she came to live with Diane because she had been ostracized by her own family; her older brother actually talked her grandma into kicking her out. Her parents never acknowledged her marriage to April; bad enough that their only son "insisted" on living as a girl, but to marry a lesbian on top of it.

Lainey, unlike April, accepted affection wholeheartedly. She clung to folks nice enough to hug her, and a kiss on the forehead or cheek would evoke tears; she wasn't "weepy" as some might say; years of rejection caused her to relish acceptance with utter and joyful abandon, and her tears were those of happiness and peace. Nevertheless, both women were struggling with their new-found acceptance, and happily were about to gain an opportunity to be thankful once again.

"How have you been doing?" Erica smiled at April and pointed to her "baby-bump," which was about seven months along.

"Pretty good, actually." I exercise every day, and we go for a walk after dinner every evening." She looked over at Lainey and noticed that she appeared uncomfortable. Lainey was struggling with the absolutely understandable confusion of being a nice lady who was also about to become a father. She was torn about what to do about "herself" despite her long talk with Diane about her own experience with Ronni, her lover and alter-ego of her husband David.

Ronni had come to be such an integral part of David that she was torn in the same manner as Lainey was now. Diane had helped Ronni come to a place where she knew she didn't have to "die," in order to fulfill her obligation as father to her son. Please understand that these words and phrases, as confusing as they may sound, are important as a means of helping explain just where Lainey was at. You may have even felt exactly like Lainey.

Diane had made a point of arranging the dinner table so that Maired was sitting between April and Lainey for a reason, which became apparent after Erica said,

"Lainey, sweetie, Mommy tells me that you're worried about being a good father." Lainey was horrified. Erica and Mark already knew about Lainey's fears; she had shared them after church a few weeks ago. They even prayed about it, asking for peace and discernment. But to say something in front of Maired, whom she had only just met? Her face reddened and she was about to get up and retreat somewhere away from the table when Diane said as she gently grabbed Lainey's arm,

"Sweetie, it's okay, she already knows, and it's okay." She pulled Lainey closer and kissed her cheek. Lainey had already begun to cry and Diane tasted the salt of her tears. Lainey was crying softly but bitterly and out of embarrassment and shame, but that would change. Erica reached across the table and grabbed Lainey's hand.

"Honey, I know you'll make a great daddy. I just know it because you are brave and kind and tenderhearted and the best friend anyone could ever have. You remind me of Mark a lot, you know. While Eddie no longer existed, so to speak, the part of him that still existed inside needed to hear that it was okay to be Lainey, even as a father, as odd as that sounds. She was anxious and felt that Erica's words weren't for her. She couldn't be a daddy, much less a good one.

April wanted to console her spouse, but felt entirely helpless. She reached over, nevertheless and put her hand on top of Erica's, which still held Lainey's hand. Both women were struggling with acceptance as a couple, and were so scared for more than the usual reasons over the impending birth of their daughter. They felt that "they" couldn't be good parents; April hadn't even had the energy to speak about it up till now, but Diane had sensed it. Her next words helped to utterly destroy their fears and doubts.

"I know you'll make a great mommy, April. And I just know you’ll be an absolutely great mommy as well, Lainey, because you are just like Erica said; just like Mark...Isn't that right, Maired?"

April and Lainey looked at Diane and Erica and then turned to the woman between them. Both women bore a look of puzzlement and wonder as their eyes focused and refocused on Maired. April swallowed and put her head down on her arms, weeping softly while desperately hoping that what she just heard was true. Maired leaned over and covered the weeping girl with a warm embrace. She kissed Lainey on the face and her own tears mingled with the frightened child.

"Yes, honey, it's okay...." Maired said softly, over and over, not as a mantra, but as a blessing from someone who knew at least in part how the woman was feeling. April put her head on Maired's shoulder and wept the hardest she had since she was a little girl; a little girl who was never accepted by her own parents. She looked over at Diane who was crying; everyone was crying by now, but they were no longer tears of fear and confusion; doubt and rejection had been banished forever by love and acceptance.

But Diane wasn’t through since she had one more surprise planned for the evening.

“I know you want to take care of your family, sweetheart. I’ve talked it over with Erica and Mark, and we want to help. April was only just then wiping the tears from her eyes. Lainey hadn’t stopped crying, and Diane was rubbing her back.

“You have been such a help to me at the store, and I’m blessed for your friendship. We’ve decided that you and April and the baby need something more secure, now that April can’t work.” Diane related the conversation she had the day before with Erica.

“I think it’s a great idea. Mark is back full-time at school, and we’re okay. Marie will never want for anything, and our house is paid off, so I say go for it. We’ll pray about it, of course, but I know what Mark will say. Please, Mommy, go ahead.” Erica did talk and pray about Diane’s plan, and they came to the conclusion that it was the best thing they could do.

“Sweetheart, would you reach over on the buffet and hand me those,” Diane said, pointing to some manila envelopes. Like another mother you may remember, Diane had labeled the envelopes in order. She took the envelopes and handed them to April, and asked for them one at a time.

“Lainey, April, we’ve prayed about this and we want to help you and the baby in every way we can. I don’t have much money, and that would only help for a while, anyway. What I do have I want to share.” With that, Diane pointed to the first envelope which read, not surprisingly, “Open me first!”

She took the envelope from April and handed it to Lainey, motioning for her to open it. It contained some legal papers completed by their friend Gina’s uncle Tony, who had completed the documents on behalf of Lainey. The papers were a petition to the court to have Lainey’s name legally changed to Elaine Marie Esposito. Lainey looked at the documents and then at Diane who just nodded and smiled.

The second document emended their marriage certificate to read the same. Almost like a lovely Christmas, April and Lainey would have been completely satisfied with the thoughtful gift, which not only addressed a legal matter but recognized and stated once and for all for everyone that April was married to Lainey. She began to tear up, but Diane put her hand on Lainey’s arm and simply said,

“You haven’t finished opening your gifts, sweetheart.” She pointed to the next envelope in the sequence, which she had April open up. In it, the title to Diane’s house had been amended to include April and Lainey’s names. She smiled as the couple looked at her and each other and then at Erica and Maired, who both nodded and smiled.

“I’ve got plenty of room, and there are enough bedrooms for the baby and any other Esposito that may come our way.” And even that would have been enough for Lainey and April until Diane finally said,

“We still have a small mortgage on the property, and I know how hard it is to pay for something that is so expensive with a retail job.” She smiled once again and opened the last envelope herself and handed the papers to Lainey. The document was a change in her corporation, and included a new partner, Elaine Marie Esposito. Erica held Maired’s arm and reached over to pat April on the hand.

“Mark and I have relinquished all claims to Mom’s estate regarding the business and the house. We want you to consider it a belated wedding present and a down payment on our shower gift.”

To say that they all cried would be an understatement. Surprisingly at first glance, but not really surprising at all, the one who cried the most was the one who had cried the least in her lifetime. Everything she thought she knew about others and herself vanished in an instant as April finally got to the place of believing in herself. No more guilt, no more condemnation; nothing to hinder her relationship with Lainey

April’s Mom and Dad completed their reconciliation with April by throwing the couple a belated bridal shower, and it was awkward for her Dad especially seeing how there were two brides. In the end though, forgiveness and acceptance from and to each other brought peace to April’s family.

It would have been wonderful to report that Lainey’s family reconciled with April and her, but sadly, they never did, and they deprived themselves of the company of two of the sweetest women you’d ever want to meet. Their bitterness kept them from enjoying the love of their daughter and daughter-in-law even as they withheld their own love. They felt they were right, but what did that gain them? It was sad, but their choice, so mores’ the pity.

And one last thing; loving mothers often bestow upon their children written blessings, as we have seen with other loving parents. April learned that her friends and family considered her a valuable friend and daughter and worth more than any fortune. She was a blessing to everyone but especially a blessing to her spouse and child, according to her Mommy Diane. And Lainey also received a card that unforgettable afternoon. It was a few months premature, but we’ll forgive her friends that mistake. It was a lovely card with a picture of a baby’s hand in the hand of a parent, and on the inside it simply read,

“God bless you, Elaine, dear child. Happy Parent’s Day!”

You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
On a back bruised, nearly broken
I'm crying out to you

Rite-Aid…Ardmore, Pennsylvania

Katlyn finished her shift at the drug store and stepped into the rain. It was going to be a long walk home and she had forgotten her umbrella. A car pulled up to the curb and the guy inside didn't look very happy.

"Get in...Now!" He said with a scowl. Katlyn stepped back onto the sidewalk and began walking. The guy in the car followed her slowly down the block and stopped just on the corner of the intersection, cutting her off.

"I said...NOW!" He pounded his fist in his palm to threaten. She started to turn away, but thought better of it, as if getting into the car now was better than being confronted at home. She opened the car door, and was just about to get inside when he grabbed her wrist and pulled her in roughly, hurting her wrist for the second time that day. She was about to apologize, sadly since she had nothing to be sorry for.

“I’m sorry, Johnny.”

He cut her off with,

"Shut the hell up, you whore." He slapped her hard in the face with the back of his hand, causing her lip and nose to bleed.

"Don't ever...don't you ever make me wait again." He said to her. Putting the car in gear, he peeled out, leaving her tote back on the sidewalk. The drive home was quick but painful as he used his free hand to continue to twist her wrist. He pulled the car up to the curb under a broken streetlamp. No moon and lots of clouds and a broken street lamp equal no witnesses, although there were some in the neighborhood who heard this go on night after night. It was like a version of Kitty Genovese, the girl in New York who was murdered when the neighbors ignored her cries for help. No murder here, but week upon week of abuse that no reasonable person could have failed to hear. He walked around to the passenger side and yanked her out of the car, pushing her up the steps to the apartment. Once inside, he seemed to calm down....like before a storm. Katlyn tried to plead with him.

"I'm sorry, Johnny. They kept me late 'cause Delia was sick and didn't come in. I wanted to get off early, but Mr. Martinez had a family emergency so I had to close up” A perfectly reasonable explanation which shouldn't have been necessary in the first place, but she tried so hard to please him.

He grabbed her by her long ginger colored hair and threw her roughly onto the couch.

"I really don't give a damn about Mr. Martinez, and that bitch Delia does this all the time." He hit her again, this time on the shoulder, where it wouldn't show...much. Grabbing her again by her hair, he threw her to the floor and said once again.

"Don't ever make me wait again, you little bitch." She only just then started to cry, which showed a great deal of resolve considering how much abuse she had already taken that day from this bastard, but he just said,

"Shut up and get over here." He started to undo his pants, leaving her to look up at him with fear. He wasn't removing his belt for sex; that would come later. He just wanted to show her who was boss. She knelt in front of him as blow upon blow from the leather strap rained down upon her back. He found that she was more eager to please if he softened her up.

Katlyn had actually forgotten how to pray. God was so far away from her that she felt no one could help. Maybe she deserved what she got. After all, she wasn't a good girl...Hell; she wasn't even a girl, if truth be told. Actually, if truth be told, she was a girl since Joey had long ago decided to be herself, and Katlyn was born. Her Dad hated her and she had nowhere else to go, so maybe life with Johnny was her lot in life. She wept silently since her tears usually evoked more beatings and even worse afterward. She had given up any hope for a nice life, but providence had something else in mind.

Diane’s Clothing Emporium

"Good morning, Louise. How are you today?" Lainey smiled and walked over to give Mrs. Carlucci a hug. She was more confident and sure of herself, and was becoming more comfortable treating the customers as friends rather than be fearful. All of Mrs. M's...correction; Mrs. A's customers usually came for more than just the odd new skirt or blouse. They came for company and friendship, born out of Diane Alluccio's hospitality and warmth. A new dress might be accompanied by a cup of tea and sympathy, so to speak. A sale of a nice sweater might also include looking at pictures of grandchildren or a graduating daughter or son. Lainey loved people, and now, feeling more secure about herself, was enjoying and having success in welcoming and making her clientele feel at home. Mrs. Carlucci's expression meant tea and sympathy, whatever garment she eventually settled on.

"Oh, sweetie, I'm not well at all...at least I don't feel very good. Katlyn came over yesterday to pick up some of her clothing and she was...." Louise Carlucci was not given to crying openly, even among friends, but she put her hand to her face and began to weep.

"He's hitting her again, isn't he?" Lainey said. With that a figure…actually two figures emerged from the storeroom. April was holding little Diane in her arms, and despite the lovely scene of mother and daughter, her expression was not pleasant.

"That bastard...why can't...She needs to leave him." April and Lainey knew Katlyn from the neighborhood. She had been practically best friends with Lainey throughout high school. They had sort of joined a mutual persecution society, since both Lainey and Katlyn were transgender. Katlyn had the love and support of her mother, but her father had turned his back on her from the beginning of her confession to them about her true self. He had kicked her out of the house, and she had gone from friend to friend, with much support but few resources. Unfortunately, she ended up moving in with a guy who ostensibly supported her, but turned out to be abusive. She was caught in the cycle of abuse, and found it almost impossible to escape.

"I'm going to go over to the drug store and talk to her." April said, handing Diane to Lainey. While Lainey was gaining confidence, April already had a way about her that would hopefully convince Katlyn to end her relationship with this guy. Her life depended on it, and April and Lainey both wanted to help.

"Since Mrs. A moved over to Michelle's, we've got plenty of room. I think she would be safer if she moved in with us?" She looked at Lainey, who nodded enthusiastically.

"I'll be back in a little while, honey. She kissed Lainey and baby Diane and hugged Mrs. Carluccci before hurrying out the door to her car.

“Please, April….I can’t talk. He…” Katlyn tried to speak, but the words got stuck. Johnny didn’t permit her to have any friends, and communication with anyone other than him or his cronies brought beatings.

“You’ve got to leave him, Kate…there’s nothing you can do that will ever please him, and he’s going to hurt you even worse if you stay. Come stay with Lainey and me. There’s plenty of room and we always like company. You’re so good with little Diane whenever you come over, and she loves you, honey. Please…I’ll be back over here at closing to pick you up. We’ll figure out a way to get your stuff later, but you need to be safe. You’re too important to treat yourself this way. Lainey and I love you, honey, and we want you to come live with us…okay?” Their conversation was interrupted when Katlyn looked out the front door of the store and saw Johnny’s car parked in front.

“Leave now…It’ll only be worse for me when I get home tonight if he sees me talking to you.”

April had just about enough of this, and she decided to take things to the next level. She walked out of the store and up to Johnny’s car. He looked at her as if she had two heads; probably because no one approached him; he was always in charge and always dictated what was what. Not today, thankfully, and never again...
“Hey…you know who I am?” Johnny had no clue, but he ventured a guess, anyway.

“You’re the bitch who’s been talking with Katie….what business is it of yours?” He actually thought getting out of the car was a good idea. He opened the door and stood up face to face with April, as if challenging her. She smiled, almost sweetly before saying,

“You, jackass, are going to leave my friend alone. You are not to touch her, talk to her, even look at her. If I find out you are doing any of those things, you will regret it.” She smiled sweetly again, a trick she had learned from Diane Alluccio, her benefactor and business partner. Smiling sweetly was disarming and gave the other person a false sense of security; which was exactly the posture Johnny had adopted.

“Who the hell are you to tell me….” That was all he got out before she grabbed both of his hands, and used leverage on his wrists to bring him to his knees, a fitting posture for someone who had abused the sweet girl who stood inside the drug store, cowering with fear.

“I don’t usually tell people this, since I’m not too proud of it. My uncle is Ricci Colavito…you do know who that is, don’t you, you moron?” She never used her very distant connection with her uncle, but she figured, what Johnny didn’t know would hurt him!”

“Yeah…I know who he is” Johnny gasped as she continued to apply pressure to his wrists.

“If you ever wish to see…how old are you?”

“Twenty-seven….ow…ow. Twenty-seven.” Johnny was almost screaming (please pardon the expression, it’s only something that would embarrass a jackass like him) like a girl.

“If you want to see your twenty-eighth birthday, you will leave her alone. Do I make myself clear?” To reinforce her point, she didn’t give him any time to respond and applied more pressure, which did evoke an almost animal-like moan. “I said; do I make myself clear?”

“Yeeeess.” He managed to get out before she shoved him up against his car door, banging his head.”

“My friend and I are coming over this evening after she finishes work. You will not be in the apartment when we get there, capiche?” She rarely tapped into her Italian roots, but she thought it was funny, so she said it anyway. Johnny nodded, and got back into his car. While some might be foolish enough to challenge her once out of her grasp, Johnny knew her uncle’s reputation enough to decide to adhere to her instructions, and when Katlyn and April went over later to pick up her things, he was nowhere to be found. What the idiot didn’t know is that there were two Ricci Colavitos in the Philly area. The businessman with connections of dubious distinction, and his cousin Richard Colavito, who was a deacon in a church in the Penn Wynne area, but Johnny didn’t need to know that, did he?

When death like a Gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek your face

It had only taken them an hour or so to get Katlyn moved in. Her possessions, such as they were, were meager. She had some clothes and an old broken CD player along with some CDs and a few books.

She spent her entire first day with April and Lainey offering to do all the housework. She was not unwilling to accept their charity; she was unable; such an effect that the constant abuse by different boyfriends had upon her. Michelle and Diane had offered to take her out to the mall to shop; nothing special from their point of view, just some shoes and underwear and such. The afternoon promised to be relaxing as they and Lainey and April and baby Diane would go out to Olive Garden for an early dinner. Katlyn's response was to run to her room and lie on her bed and cry for over an hour. She was so overwhelmed with the generosity; like eating too much food after fasting for days, it was just too much for her to handle.

She was straddling the gulf between fear and faith. She wanted to believe that God loved her, and these lovely people were trying so hard to help her understand and accept that. But look what Johnny had done to her; look what her other two boyfriends had done to her. And look at what happened when she was little; she had never told anyone about how she had been abused and raped and treated like property; that would come in time.

"Girls" like her, both genetic and otherwise, if you will allow me that distinction only briefly, are considered sluts and whores because of their behavior. But no one acts that way out of a mere choice; nothing horrific begins in a vacuum. Girls and boys act out sexually all too frequently because their innocence has been stripped away brutally by someone older and stronger and bigger than themselves; whether or not they are "girls" or "boys" if you follow me. Subsequently, many of them seek approval and validation for their own sad existence in the only way that had proved to satisfy the one who was supposed to validate and encourage.

Katlyn was no exception, and she had moved from abusive relationships quickly as she outgrew her "usefulness" with her abuser. And since she had no other point of reference than the abuse, she continued to grow more and more reliant on the one thing that kept her in bondage. Her behavior had an entirely sad but understandable explanation, even if she didn't understand herself.

She was in a prison, not of her own making, but she never knew she had the key to her own jail-cell. Even in the safety of her new home, she was a twenty-first century Repunzel, seeking relief from the tower of guilt and hurt. Like a damsel in distress, she needed to be rescued. But her deliverance would be different than the lovely stories of the past. This damsel in distress was about to be rescued from the prison of Shame, not by a knight in shining armor; not by a Lord, but a Lady! But instead of letting down her hair, like Repunzel, this poor girl needed to let down her defenses and let God and her rescuer in to encourage and heal and love.

Diane Alluccio spent most of her days going back and forth between her consignment shop, which was being ably managed by her new partners, April and Lainey, and Michelle's new Gallery and Studio, which opened to little fanfare, as her patrons resided back in Wilmington. Her transition from Mikey to Michelle brought not only personal change, but a new direction in her work. She still worked in water-color and occasional acrylic, but her approach was more spontaneous and alive, and those who followed her work considered her new approach to be the finest of her career. All that to say, the Alluccio's were beginning to establish their own routine, and Diane was more involved with her new love, which is as it should be. However, she still wanted to help Katlyn, so she reached out to the ones she knew could provide Katlyn with the help she needed.

"She's been beaten physically in at least three different relationships, and I don't think any of her sexual behavior is consensual at this point." Diane told Gina, who sat in their kitchen. "She needs help so bad, sweetie, and I thought that you could refer her to someone who could help."

The Kelly home….sometime later…

Gina had been praying for when the inauguration would come, and this day seemed to be the opportunity to explore something she and Ben had discussed and prayed about ever since they returned from their long weekend with the Kiernans (see The Secret Redux). They talked about Ben's ministry and where it was headed, and the decision they arrived at did not come lightly, since it impacted them personally as well. In the end, they arrived at two parallel conclusions, both of which would be life altering, but entirely necessary.

Just as some couples wonder if the female persona of the husband or boyfriend is spending too much or too little time in the home; Gina and Ben had to decide who would be more effective in the community at large; the community being those hurting children and adults who were conflicted and in pain over their "orientation," as if that were an adequate description or definition of the broad range of the transgender experience. They also needed to decide how much of the relationship would be affected should Ben's "focus" shift professionally.

Gina loved her husband; every bit in every way, and nothing was going to change that. The two would be enjoying each other’s company as husband and wife in their own lives. Professionally, however, things were about to change. Ben had declined to stay at the middle school at the end of the school year; they had a wonderful staff and new personnel with great attitude and talent would ensure that the teens had all the help they needed. Ben's inheritance from his estranged father provided him with the resources to take his ministry to the next level. He would be working full time to counsel and encourage; more time to support and display acceptance and healing through counseling. But the "how" was about to change. Uncle Tony Sorrento, whose name sounded more ominously like a Capo or a Don, was actually a gentle soul and a damn good lawyer. He worked and got some things arranged, completely legal and ethical, so that Ben now also had credentials that certified "Dr. Kathryn Agnes Kelly" to be a qualified counselor among several different non-professional credential agents.

All that to say; Gina arranged an appointment for Monday at four-thirty in the afternoon for Katlyn Carlucci to have her first counseling session with Dr Katie Kelly. Now I did say that this modern Repunzel was going to be rescued by a Lady, didn't I. But Dr. Kelly wasn't her rescuer. Dr. Kelly would almost be like the narrator of this tale, which would have been fanciful and romantic at first if not for the brutality and shame of Katlyn's abusers. No, the rescuer in question was someone from another friend's past; she would arrive in the midst of this narrative entirely due to providence.

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through
valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

Harvest

But I fear you aren't listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger
For a faith that assures
The office of Dr. Katie Kelly…

“Perhaps let’s just introduce ourselves. I’m Dr. Kelly, but you can call me Katie, yes?”

Katlyn sat on the couch across from Katie, who was counseling as Katie for the first time. Katlyn was even more nervous than she looked, and responded simply,

“Okay.”

“And you?” Katie wasn’t trying to be glib; Katlyn was just too nervous to volunteer any information, so whatever would be learned would come from answering direct questions, and even that might be too difficult at first.

“Katlyn…Carlucci.”

“Now we can’t have two Katie’s here, can we? Do you mind if I call you Katlyn? It’s such a nice name.

“Okay.”

To some, Katlyn’s answers might be excruciatingly slow, but Dr. Kelly understood her reluctance and fear. No one, absolutely no one had ever asked her how she felt, what kind of day she was having, how was she doing, what was on her mind. Her last relationship was the worst, and because of that, she would likely be slow in answering even benign questions. She might answer questions if Dr. Kelly were more directive; but that would be counterproductive, since one of Dr. Kelly’s aims was to help Katlyn gain her own voice, so to speak. She needed to feel safe, and that only came with trust, which would only come when Katlyn realized that Dr. Kelly valued her as a person.

“I want you to know first off a few things that might help our relationship. First, you need not answer any question unless you feel safe telling me the answer. Second and I think this might be very important; there can be no wrong answers, sweetheart. You will be thinking and feeling a lot of things as we talk, some of which you’ve felt for a long time. I might help you explore your answers, but only you can and should determine what is right for you, yes?”

“Okay,” she said. She put her head down and clenched her jaw against her neck to keep from shaking.

“Third; nothing you say to me is going to be shared with anyone else unless you give me permission.” She smiled and pointed to the Bull Terrier sitting on the couch beside Katlyn.

“I have Rocco’s word that he won’t say anything, either.” Katlyn laughed only just a little.

“I consult with my wife, Dr. Gina Kelly from time to time, and I might ask her to help me clarify something we have discussed, but only so I can help you better and only if you say I may.” She smiled again, and Katlyn seemed more relaxed, so she continued.

“Fourth; and I hope you’ll be able to accept that this is the most important part of our relationship. My ministry begins and ends with an abiding trust and faith in God, and if you are to take away anything from our time here, at least I pray it will be that He loves you very much. I will try to help you see yourself as you were created; as someone entirely worthy of love and respect. Does that make sense to you?”

“I’m a whore! Why would God love me?”

“Katlyn, is that how you see yourself? Do you think you’re a whore?” A bit brusque, but still reflecting her own tone, which helped her to continue.

“Yes…yes. I must be!” She began to cry; guilt and shame were trying desperately to crowd their way into this new relationship, but Katie said,

“Did someone tell you that you were a whore?”

“Yes,” she said through her tears. She was weeping by now, her shoulders heaving from the heaviness of the sobbing. Rocco jumped up in her lap and nuzzled her cheek, licking away her tears.

“Someone you trust?” Katlyn nodded, unable even to speak at that point.

“Someone you respect…someone you love?” She nodded again, wiping her tears with her sleeve.

“So, since someone you trust and respect called you a whore, you must be one, is that right?”

“Yes…yes…it must be…he said so.”

“Who said you were a whore, Katlyn?”

“MMmmy ddad.”

Normally, Katie (and Ben for that matter) would have slowed down, but this one word uttered by this one important person was the crux of the matter.

“Did he say why he thought you were a whore?”

“Yes,” she said and began sobbing once again, causing Rocco to once again give her more attention. Under some circumstances, this might be considered unprofessional, but Rocco’s attention was one small way that God was providing a demonstration of unconditional love for this sweet, damaged girl who had been bound up by the expectations and conditions and demands of others.

“What did he tell you?”

She thought for a moment, but instead of answering the question, she collapsed in tears, burying her head in the bolster of the couch, as if by covering her face, it would cover the undue and underserved shame that precipitated her father’s rejection and distain. She couldn’t speak, but her memories overwhelmed her like a torrent.

While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands
To cover the fatal cut

“It’s really okay, Joey. Your mommy and daddy don’t mind. And you know they wouldn’t lie.” Joey’s namesake, Joseph, his father’s younger brother, was sitting on Joey’s bed. Joey was standing in the middle of the room, wearing one of his sister’s party dresses.

“It’s a game we can play. Just you and me; a special game; I promise I won’t tell anyone.” The layers of deception were being formed, almost like bricks carefully and skillfully put in place by a master mason. The next brick was put into place.

“Now you can’t tell anyone either, then it wouldn’t be our special secret.”

“But…” Joey began to say, but his uncle cut him off with soft words.

“Really, Joey, It’s okay. Your mom says she thinks you’re pretty. Don’t you want to make your mom happy?” Joey would have done anything to make his mom happy. His father was a gruff impersonal man who rarely gave his son attention, and his mother doted on him and his sister both.

The wall of secrecy grew higher as Joey’s uncle built up the lies by mixing them with just a little truth.

“Remember Halloween? She said, just look at my little Girl Scout.” The incident was meant to be entirely silly and fun, they had thought, but his uncle was like a hawk looking for a stray field mouse.

“Do you know what little girls do to be nice?” Joey wouldn’t have known; no child would. His uncle took him by the hand and led him to the bed. Evil became sugar-coated that day, and many days and months to follow. What started out already horribly as innocence lost continued as the child became twisted and warped, through no fault of his own.

It was a nice summer day when Marco Carlucci came home in the middle of the afternoon when his boss let everyone go early after the company picnic. He came home to find his son dressed in his sister’s clothing. He was reaching over to unzip his uncle’s pants, when his father yelled. Joey’s uncle feigned sleep, and acted as if he was horrified and disgusted by the boy’s behavior. Marco believed his brother and beat the child with his belt until welts appeared on his legs.

“You little faggot; you whore!” The words echoed throughout the house, but not loud enough to drown out the wailing of the poor child. And like we’ve seen elsewhere, the crying was loud enough to startle the neighbors, but not nearly important enough for anyone to intervene.

Over quite a few sessions over the next few months, all of this came out, along with Katlyn’s history of promiscuity. This is not a harsh indictment of the girl, only an observation of behavior that is not uncommon among children who have been sexually abused. And perhaps her behavior could also be explained by her need to find someone, anyone who would accept her.

The three recent men in her life were anything but accepting, using her and abusing her without care for her needs. It was almost as if she were a piece of furniture or an appliance to be used in the running of the household. And as we’ve noted, she continued the behavior because it was the only pattern she had. Rejection followed by demands with promises of acceptance, only to be met with more rejection, prompting more obeisance and loss of self.

“Can you see how they used you?” Katlyn and Dr. Kelly had discussed this the last time they met, and it was a jumping off point for what they would talk about that day.

“They never really cared for me.” She wept, but her tears were not overwhelming as before. In fact, some anger was mixed with the sorrow of rejection. To be sure, she would not be healthy unless she became angry; even if she needed eventually to release that anger; it needed to be acknowledged first.

“Dr. Kelly…Katie…can I ask you a question?” Katlyn looked as if she were going to recede into the couch. Katie nodded and Katlyn continued.

“How were you able to forgive your father for what he did to you and your mother?”
Katie had briefly shared her own story, and how she forgave her own abuser. Katie had never been sexually abused like Katlyn, but endured the verbal and physical abuse of her father as both her Katie persona and her other self, Ben Kelly.

“I wasn’t able to.” She said; which caused Katlyn to squint in unbelief. “I needed to accept forgiveness for my own part for my hate and my resentment of my father before I was able to forgive him. I acknowledged my own problem first.

“But it isn’t fair” She said, her face growing red with anger.

“No, sweetheart, it wasn’t fair at all. What your uncle did to you, what your father chose to believe about you; no, it wasn’t fair. May I ask you a question?”

“Yes…” She looked askance, as if the question would be painful, which it actually proved to be, if only momentarily.

“Has hating your uncle or your father made you feel any better about yourself?”

“But….”

Katie leaned forward and said softly and with as much love as she could manage,

“Are you any better, sweetheart, with all that bitterness and anger inside? Do you see how much hold…how much of a slave to your uncle you still are? Can you let go, honey?” Anyone can ask anyone anything, but words only have meaning when the questions are asked by someone who actually cares about the one who answers more than the answer itself. Katie’s eyes were filled with tears as she held the girl’s hands in hers and continued.

“As long as you hold onto your bitterness, you cannot have the means to grasp what God has for you.” She was rubbing the girl’s hands like your mother might if you’ve been left out of a party or a game with friends. Solace and comfort while still holding her accountable. No one had ever challenged Katlyn before; sadly, her sole comfort for years had come from misplaced pity instead of understanding and encouragement. In this one moment; perhaps too unrealistic for some to accept, Katlyn saw her own need for forgiveness, as well as the need to forgive, and she wept as she began to release her resentment and bitterness.

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

To say that she was healed would be folly; it wouldn’t take forever, but some things only heal with time. Forgiveness sometimes comes in spurts and waves; a recollection of a hurt followed by a vow to let go. A long-forgotten memory resurfaced only to be released. And all opportunities but still choices. With this choice to forgive the unforgivable, her healing; such as it was; had begun. And she was about to discover that with her healing came restoration, and from an entirely unexpected source.

At the store…

A tall dark haired woman entered the store. Lainey immediately felt intimidated, and who wouldn’t? The woman was strikingly attractive and very athletic, almost a darker version of Lainey’s wife April. She was, in fact, April’s former girlfriend Terri, and she had come to the store to renew old acquaintances.

“Does April Colavito work here?” Terri said with a smile. Lainey wanted to shout,

“Esposito…her name is April Esposito,” but she still was shy in some ways, and just smiled and said,

“Why yes she does. Are you a friend of hers?” Lainey tried ever so hard not to sound jealous or possessive, but she did anyway. She was surprised by Terri’s next words.

“OH, gosh…you must be Lainey.” She smiled and walked up to her and hugged her, and said, “I’ve heard so much about you. You’ve got quite a reputation.”

“Reputation?” It had been months since Lainey had saved Tim Banfield’s life, and she thought most people had forgotten it by now. Actually, that wasn’t Terri’s intent at all.

“Everyone I know that knows you and April says that you are the sweetest girl they ever met. I can see why.” Terri smiled once again and hugged Lainey. “I’m so glad that April found someone so special…she’s a great girl, and she deserves the best.”

Lainey felt ashamed that she had assumed the worst about April’s old girlfriend. She was about to start to cry, which happened frequently when she was embarrassed, but a soft sound came from behind, interrupting her thought.

“OOoooh…this must be your baby,” Terri said as she looked past Lainey to where baby Diane sat in her booster seat behind the counter. “May I?” Terri said, and before she could answer, Lainey watched at Terri scooped up little Deedee (to avoid confusion with Diane Alluccio, her and April’s benefactor and business partner.

“She’s adorable…she takes after April with the hair, but she looks just like you.” She was about to gush out more compliments when April came into the store with Katlyn.

“Hey girlfriend, how’s by you?” Terri said and rushed over and gave April a big hug. April felt somewhat awkward until Terri said,

“I was just telling your beautiful bride what a cute baby you two have. I am absolutely so happy for both of you.” April was surprised. While they were not angry when they ended their relationship, it still remained a sore spot since Terri never really explained why she was leaving. She had come to the store, seeking out both April and Lainey to renew acquaintances, and would eventually provide an explanation to April for their breakup.

And though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down

“Oh, I’m, sorry, this is my friend, Terri O’Hara.” April said to Katlyn. “And this is our friend Katlyn Carlucci. She’s staying with us and has been a welcome addition to the family.

Katlyn tried to back away, but Terri embraced her like a long lost friend. She tried not to, but she felt odd inside, as if something were trying to come out. Actually, it wasn’t something trying to come out as much as something coming down; her guard was coming down, an altogether good and wholesome process started with the counsel that she was receiving from Dr. Kelly. Her imprisonment was almost coming to an end, and this Rapunzel was about to be rescued by her Lady in cotton armor.

Explanations and New Beginnings for Old Friends and New

And though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down

Dinner was simple that evening; pizza and wings and some wine. Diane and Michelle stopped by and picked up Deedee so the girls could catch up. April had not realized just how angry still she was at Terri's parting, but after dinner, the conversation turned to more serious things, helping April understand.

"April and I lived together for about two years; most of that time without the help and support of anyone other than ourselves. My parents still are not speaking to me, despite what I've been through since April and I broke up." Terri looked directly at April as if to say, "If you only knew." She continued.

“It was absolutely a wonderful shock when April's mom and dad "came around." Her mom actually wrote me a letter apologizing for her and her husband's behavior. I don't know what she expected, but I phoned her shortly after that and thanked her. By then, we'd broken up and April was back with her parents for a while before she struck out on her own. I didn't talk with April for some time, and I left the impression that I was angry." She again looked at April and she half-smiled, but there were tears in her eyes.

April was still so upset that she missed the visual clue entirely and said,

"What was so bad that you couldn't talk to me all that time? What did I do? What did I say?" She wasn't entirely self-centered at that point; it was completely understandable that she would want an explanation. What she heard next made her feel small and ashamed, though it wasn't Terri's intent.

"Honey....I didn't say anything because if I had, you would have insisted we stay together, and as you see now, it wasn't what was meant to be." Terri looked over at Lainey and smiled. "You've been blessed with a wonderful family, and I couldn't be happier for you. But if I told you what was going on you would have stayed with me and then we both would have regretted it. I am sorry, because I know now that keeping a secret from you was unfair. It should have been up to you to decide what to do with what I had to say, and I know now you would have handled it okay. Can you forgive me?" She looked at April again and she started to cry.

Lainey reached over and held her hand while Katlyn, the newbie in the group, felt entirely uncomfortable and typically left out. It wasn't anyone's intention to leave her out, and she would discover she was included in the foursome for a reason that was to bring comfort and release to someone other than herself.

"What is it?" April almost demanded an answer, but it wasn't so selfish; she was truly concerned about her former lover's well being. It had to be something serious.

"What is it...Terri, what is wrong?" Her voice softened and her mood changed to where Terri felt she could continue.

"I found out just before we broke up that I had breast cancer." She grabbed a paper towel from the table and wiped her eyes, but it wasn't entirely helpful since she couldn't stop crying. She was joined immediately by Lainey, who wasn't a cry-baby as some of her friends had suggested; she was a very sensitive girl who wanted the best for everyone and was unconsciously following the Biblical command to "mourn with those who mourn." She grabbed Terri's hand once again and squeezed it. She raised Terri's hand to her face and began to kiss it in comfort.

Again, Katlyn felt left out, but not out of the choice of the others; she just didn't know what to do to help. April by now had become so embarrassed by her own behavior that she turned bright red and burst into tears. Once again, for April, a reaction that was becoming more and more a part of her own transformation, once impervious to pain; almost invulnerable, she was becoming the sensitive caring woman that she had always been meant to be. She stood up and walked to Terry and put her arms around her.

"I....m...so....so...rry, Terri. Oh. God...I'm so sorry. Please forgive me? I didn't know." Her perspective had changed, as had everyone else's as Terri's confession helped everyone, Katlyn included, see just how blessed they were. After several minutes, everyone was exhausted from the sheer emotion of the moment. Terri grasped each woman's hand in turn and smiled, weakly but sincerely and continued.

"I'm okay...for now." She smiled weakly again, and April, Lainey and Katlyn completely understood the "for now." Cancer doesn't just go away; it can hang on tenaciously for years, leaving its oppressive presence as a vague but too easily recalled reminder of our mortality. Terri explained that she was cancer-free for months, and the doctors, as we have seen with others' situations, remained "hopeful."

"Is there anything I...we can do?" April asked. Quite often, in situations such as these, people ask this question, not actually expecting an answer. They mean to express sympathy or empathy or whatever else might be natural, but there usually isn't much one can do after the fact. Today was different.

"Actually...yes." Terri said, this time smiling with more strength. She looked at Lainey and April and even Katlyn and said,

"Can I...do you have..." She started to mist up, as if asking for help after such a debilitating and devastating time was shameful or embarrassing. Anyone who knew Terri knew that she was entirely generous and thoughtful herself, and often to the exclusion of her own safely and well being. She was actually going to stop talking altogether when Lainey said,

"Whatever it is, yes. Do you need a place to stay? Can we help with anything? Whatever...it's yours." Lainey was enjoying new success in an area that we have already seen Katlyn was working on as well; she was gaining her own voice. Of course, April would gladly have offered anything, but it was important that Lainey be the one to offer; it gave her confidence in her relationship with April, if you follow me. She looked over to April for approval and received an anxious, if somewhat embarrassed nod. April didn't need to feel ashamed anymore; Terri's words had demonstrated her understanding and really there was no need to feel ashamed. They were friends, after all. The three women were bonded in a commonality of which Katlyn had no connection. That was about to change.

"I used up almost all of my savings; my bills...the operation..." Terri began to cry, more out of relief than fear, as April stroked her hair. Lainey would have felt jealous only days ago, but now felt confident and good about herself; she was going to be able to help someone, which always made her feel good. But she was also sure that her relationship with April had changed; as Lainey had grown stronger and more secure.

"You can stay as long as you need; don't worry about a thing." April was crying again, but more out of relief than embarrassment. Hearing that her friend was okay was great, but knowing that she and Lainey could do something for her made things a whole lot better than moments before. The three women felt relieved and things seemed to get better until another voice spoke up, softly and with great emotion.

"I'm so sorry....You must have been so scared. And no one to help or talk to." Actually, Terri had gotten some help with a cancer support group and her church helped her with some of her bills, but Katlyn didn't know that. And this was a transformational moment for this shy, frightened and insecure girl, since it was the first time since all of her abuse started so many years ago that she was capable; yes, actually able to care about someone other than herself. She got up and did the only thing she knew how, even if it felt awkward and uncomfortable. She moved closer and by her body language almost appeared to be asking permission, and she hugged Terri. She kissed Terri's hair and cheeks, her tears mingling with this stranger’s; her new friend, as she wept not for herself, but for the first time in her life for someone else. The guard was now down, and her own rescue was at hand.

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

Harvest

Quite some time later…

In almost a year, Terri and Katlyn had changed from welcome guests to almost family; actually Lainey felt Terry and Katlyn were like sisters, along with her wife April, these women had served to take the place of the family that had rejected her. Both had gained strength to recuperate from their own ordeals. Terri was a breast cancer survivor who had been symptom free for nearly two years, and her health had returned. While Lainey and Katlyn were homebodies, April and Terri actually had both returned to a long-dormant passion, and they were one-two in batting in their softball league.

Katlyn still worked part time at the drug store, but spent a lot of time at home cooking and sewing and such. She had learned to cook from her mom; one of the few things she could point to from her past that she was proud of.

Non si comporta in modo sconveniente, non cerca il proprio interesse
Love's ways are ever fair, it takes no thought for itself

Between her counselor and her friends, she had become more confident, but even after all this time with more and more success, she still harbored doubts about her own life choice, which would have not been a surprise for a "girl" like her under the best of circumstances, but as a recovering victim of both physical and sexual abuse, her doubts and insecurity were ever-present, despite the encouragement she received. One huge issue that confused and caused her doubt was her choice of persona. To be sure, she was a girl...it was the manner of how to be a girl that she questioned; frequently she felt out of place, even among friends. She did not despise her own body, if you follow me, like some girls do. That's not to say they're right or wrong; they just are sure about how they feel, and Katlyn wasn't.

She still felt self-conscious and even ashamed at times at her appearance; again, not entirely unheard of. She wanted to be a girl, and she certainly wanted to look like one, but every time she viewed herself in the mirror, especially "up top," she was brought to tears.

It was late afternoon, She didn't expect anyone to be home. April had decided after much self-debate, not to return to UPS, and instead assumed much of the responsibility of the financial end the store, with Lainey and Diane still handling the customer interaction. When not at an occasional play date, Deedee still spent a lot of time at the store with her parents. Terri had finally finished her degree, and was working at Second Chances Animal Shelter and Veterinary Hospital as a Vet assistant. So Katlyn was completely surprised when she stepped out of the hall bathroom after her shower, only to come face to face with Terri, who was standing in the hallway in her own robe, expecting to take a late afternoon shower before dinner. Katlyn's robe had fallen open, and she felt naked and exposed. She looked into Terri's eyes, and found herself less anxious as Terri smiled. Then she looked down at herself and began to cry, mostly out of embarrassment for the moment, but somewhat out of inadequacy as she considered her "lack." Not at all feminine, she was boyish and "flat," leaving her to feel not at all like the girl she had become.

Terri looked at her and picked up her anxiety and shame immediately. She smiled once again, saying nothing, but her eyes began to mist up. She reached over and held Katlyn's hand. Then she took both their hands and placed them on Katlyn's chest over her heart. She took her other hand and stroked Katlyns cheek while continuing to smile and cry. She lifted Katlyn's chin and kissed her cheek, and said,

"It's okay, I understand." Katlyn's expression was one of wonder and sadness; she didn't understand why Terri would cry. She was about to find out, and this moment, like others we've seen, would be transformational for both women.

La caritá  á¨ paziente, ᨠbenigna; la caritá  non invidia; la caritá  non si vanta, non si gonfia
Love is never tired of waiting; love is kind; love has no envy; love has no high opinion of itself, love has no pride

Terri took her hand off Katlyn's chest. She opened her own robe, revealing her own lack. She took Katlyn's hand and placed both of their hands on her own chest over her own heart. A chest that was no longer feminine, but flat and scarred. She took Katlyn's other hand and placed in on her own cheek. She leaned forward and kissed Katlyn once again on the cheek and said softly,

"It's okay, we're really not so different, are we?" She kissed Katlyn once again on the cheek and closed her robe. She smiled once again through her tears and walked into the bathroom and closed the door.

La caritá  á¨ paziente, ᨠbenigna
Love is never tired of waiting; love is kind

Lainey and April came through the front door with Deedee in tow. The smell of tomato, basil and garlic filled the house, and April noticed a big pot simmering on the stove. It was quiet, and the house almost seemed unnaturally peaceful; not in a bad way, certainly, but uncommonly peaceful, like something wonderful had taken place. Lainey tapped April on the shoulder and pointed into the living room. Terri was sitting on the couch, her hand resting on Katlyn's brow, as if she had been stroking the girl's hair. Katlyn lay in Terri's arms, awake, and she had been crying, but these weren't tears of sadness or confusion or doubt. These were tears of joy, of wonder, of hope, and finally, of love.

Four events were marked with great excitement later that month. Michelle and Diane celebrated their first wedding anniversary, surrounded by loving friends and family who rejoiced in the renewal of their love. Deedee celebrated her first birthday. April and Terri's softball team won the league championship. And Terri O'Hara gave her hand in marriage to Josephine Katlyn Carlucci, who had returned to using her given name, Joey. After all, when combined, Joey and Theresa mean God will provide a harvest, and provide a harvest He did indeed.

Or dunque queste tre cose durano: fede, speranza, caritá ; ma la piá¹ grande di esse ᨠla caritá .
But now we still have faith, hope, love, these three; and the greatest of these is love

Il mio Tesoro, il mio sorellina
(My treasure, my little sister)

At the store…a few weeks later…

Lainey stood behind the counter. Diane was just turning the open sign around to face the outside when a tall young man stood at the front door and knocked rather sharply. Diane turned with a start at the noise, considering how impatient the young man must be.

“Just a moment, I’ll get it,” she said as she opened the door. The young man stopped and looked at Diane with an apologetic shrug and half-grin.

“I’m sorry to be so impatient. I won’t be but a moment,” he said politely. Diane looked at him somewhat askance as well as up; he was very tall. His humble tone was surprising enough, but she noticed he looked familiar. She turned and looked back at Lainey, who was standing in front of the counter with a shocked look on her face.

“Eddie…gosh, I’m sorry, I don’t know your name.” The young man walked briskly up to Lainey and gave her a hug. Standing there next to her, Diane finally made the connection. Lainey looked as if she were about to cry, which wouldn’t be altogether uncommon for her; she had an undeserved reputation as a cry-baby with some, a reputation sadly placed upon her by her family. She looked up into his eyes, her own eyes filled with tears of sorrow and joy. Noting her expression, the young man pulled back and burst into tears.

“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,” he kept repeating, while Lainey actually only cried just a bit. She patted the young man on the back, who Diane now realized was Lainey’s younger brother.

“It’s okay….Tommy…it’s okay.” Her propensity for crying came really only at appropriate moments; belying her reputation. Lainey had been sensitive and caring all her life, a quality not only lacking in her own family, but a part of her that was sadly rejected by them as well. It seems that she wasn’t the only sensitive member of the family; at least for this moment.

Tommy Esposito was 6’4” and looked as if he could play almost any sport. Even at sixteen he was being courted for early acceptance in a slew of schools for baseball and basketball in the Philly area and out-of-state, but that wasn’t what interested him, and certainly at this moment, not why he came. Tommy was the only member of Lainey’s family that actually kept contact with her. When she decided to live full time as Lainey instead of Edward, every single member of her family rejected her. Her older brother Bobby actually convinced Lainey’s grandmother to turn her out when she moved over after being rejected by her parents and older brother.

Tommy was only twelve at the time, and never understood why they hated her so much. His father actually went through the pitiful motion of disowning Lainey, and forbade any other member from contacting her. Tommy sent her a note now and then, but pressure from his parents influenced his contact, for which he hated himself. He was a nice boy, sensitive as it were, atypical of some athletic types you might think of. And he felt entirely ashamed, not only of his family’s treatment of his sister…yes, he alone accepted that part of Lainey entirely, but he felt the shame because he provided tacit endorsement of their treatment of Lainey by pulling back from his relationship with his sister to preserve peace in the family.

Diane watched the exchange. The last time anyone from Lainey's family had been to see her was months before her marriage to April. The family stayed away from the wedding and Lainey's parent hadn't even seen Deedee, their granddaughter. They were set in their ways, and rejected Lainey's gender, insisting that she could only be accepted if she returned to her male persona, Edward. She recalled how she had "adopted" Lainey after her mother rejected her once and for all time. Diane observed as Lainey rubbed Tommy's back. He was at least a foot taller than his sister, and yet she was the one who consoled him. It was touching, if altogether sad that he had been so influenced by his parents that he had enabled their anger and hate toward April and Lainey to the point of ostracizing the couple and their granddaughter. What Tommy said came as a complete surprised to Lainey and Diane both.

"I....I want to come to live with you. I need to get out of there." He started crying again, this time so much that he could hardly stand, and Lainey walked him over to a chair to sit down.

"I know I don't deserve....I...." He broke down and wept unashamedly, but it wasn't only because of his remorse over his part in the way the family had shunned Lainey and April. Tommy had a secret that was tearing him apart; a secret that he had shared with no one.

"I can't stay like this...it's...oh, Eddie (we'll forgive him, he wasn't calling Lainey by her boy name out of spite, he was just used to four years of not knowing who Lainey really was.) I....I don't want to be this way, but I can't help it. I can't do this anymore; I can't be this anymore." He broke down and wept again, this time so hard that he sobbed almost to the point of physical pain. Lainey had never seen anyone cry like this; even on her worst days after her family rejected her, even on her worst days ever, she never cried like this. She was standing over her brother, who had fallen to the floor at her feet; desperately seeking forgiveness and her permission...

"Oh my God, is that...?" April said as she walked up to Diane. She had just dropped Deedee off at the Kiernan’s. They had planned on going out to dinner for a change, and Erica and Mark were happy to help. By the looks of things, it didn't seem like they'd be going anywhere that evening. Diane leaned toward April and said,

"Yes, it's Tommy," she said, fully recognizing the irony of the statement. Since Lainey's family avoided them like the plague, April had never even met Tommy. She walked over to where Lainey stood over her brother. Leaning closer, she gave Lainey a hurried kiss and looked down at Tommy, who still wept at his sister's feet. April had changed in the nearly two years since she and Lainey were married; at one time she would have walked out of the store, not wanting to be a part of the emotion. She had put up a wall that friends, new family and God had torn down, and now did something that even surprised her wife. She knelt down and put her hand on Tommy's shoulder and said,

"Honey, it's okay. I think I understand; Lainey and I forgive you!" Nothing profound, but charged with emotion as her words were accompanied by her lifting Tommy to his feet. Even at six feet herself, she had to reach up to Tommy, but she stood on her tip-toes and kissed him lightly on the cheek. She remembered how horrible it felt when her own parents rejected her. They had since reconciled, but the pain in this boy's face prompted her to recall how she was increasingly put in situations where her own healing acted like a balm to others.

Her best friend and former love, Terri and Terri's wife Joey both had been encouraged by April. And now, her brother-in-law..odd, she'd never met him and yet that's what he was, her brother-in-law needed her help. He looked at her with relief and his expression grew only somewhat calmer; he remained upset and crying. I suppose some of his tears were from his feelings of acceptance and forgiveness, but he remained sad because he had something he needed to tell his sister and her wife, and perhaps even the nice lady who stood next to the girls, rubbing their shoulders.

"I remember another young one coming here months ago, feeling rejected and alone and scared." She squeezed the nape of Lainey's neck before kissing her and whispering,

"You do remember, don't you sweet heart?"

Lainey thought for a moment. Again, some folks thought she was entirely too emotional, and some of her old friends and even her family felt she was not bright. Her slowness came at one time from her fear of rejection and her family's rejection. She hesitated to say anything fearing that she would be laughed at; teased, from her own family. But she was a very intelligent girl who had only blossomed when she stepped away from the neglect and hurt of her family. She looked over at Diane, who nodded in agreement.

Diane had seen the same look on Tommy's face as that of several of the people in her life; she spoke of her own first love, Ronni (In reality David, her late husband and Erica's father.) She recalled the wonder and delight when her daughter introduced her to Maired, her son-in-law's alter ego. She smiled and nodded again when she spoke of the first time she met Lainey. Lainey nodded and smiled back in recognition, which April noticed and acknowledged as well. And Diane remembered the first time she saw her own wife Michelle when she came into the store, as if by accident, but more by providence, of course.

Lainey nodded once again and stepped toward her baby brother, 6'4" and imposing. His weeping had subsided somewhat, giving Lainey the chance to ask the most important question Tommy would ever have to answer.

"What's her name?" She smiled at her brother, who looked at her quizzically until Lainey rephrased the question.

"What's your name, sweetheart?" She placed her hand on Tommy's cheek and smiled. Her brother's countenance changed, and instead of the tall, handsome athlete with the world at his feet, another, less imposing figure stood quietly, and said in a soft sweet voice,

"Taryn...my name is Taryn."

Tommy sat at the kitchen table at his sister’s house, surrounded by six women; seven if you count his baby niece Deedee, who was tugging on her uncle’s sleeve.

Please excuse the following descriptors of masculine pronouns, nouns, along with Tommy’s given name. Lainey and April and Diane had only just learned about Tommy’s secret. They closed the store early; if ever there was a family emergency, this was it.

Michelle, Diane’s wife, met the girls at the house after closing her gallery early. She finally sold her first painting (all of her other work had been done before she transitioned from her male self to Michelle). The painting was a spectacular acrylic of two sisters holding hands. The sale brought in more than enough to close early, but she would have left early even if she hadn’t sold anything.

She was new to the “grandmother” business, having been a father and grandfather for many of her fifty-two years, and the grandchild she saw most was really an adoptee; the daughter of her wife’s two friends, Lainey and April. But Diane needed her support and wisdom, since Michelle had gone through her own experience of family crisis when her older daughter Barbara rejected her younger daughter Charlie, whose partner Beth was a post-op girl, as if that should have made a difference. But Michelle was first and foremost a caring and insightful parent, and she would provide Tommy with her own perspective.

“There’s four bedrooms, and only two are being used by April and me and Deedee.”

Terri and Joey were still recovering financially from their own setbacks, but they still lived with April and Lainey more because of their friendship and the continued healing they received from their friends and new-found faith in God. And the two girls were married less than a year, making them newlyweds.

“So you must come live with us,” Lainey said. Lainey had never really had been given a chance to be a big brother to Tommy when she lived at home, so she quite understandably and deservedly relished the idea of being a big sister.

Everyone in the room apart from Deedee of course had experienced the same ostracism that Tommy feared, and all of them were prepared to walk with him through his conflict.

Michelle stood over the boy, her hands firmly on his shoulders. What she said next almost sounded like fatherly advice, but really while she had been a good father to her own daughters growing up, it was by being a supportive and loving parent. The fact that she was wearing cream-colored slacks and a mauve sleeveless top also belied any perception or hint of her former male self.

“I’m sorry to say, but the one good thing in all of this is probably going to be the most painful. Since they disavowed Lainey for daring to assert her own self, your mom and dad will likely treat you the same way. They probably won’t resist when you explain why you want to move over here.” Her words sounded harsh, but she massaged Tommy’s shoulders as she began to weep softly for this poor boy.

Diane stood up and walked over to Tommy. She had noticed he hadn’t eaten a thing during dinner; she noted that he didn’t look at all healthy. She wondered if he had an ulcer (he did) and he looked as if he had lost a considerable amount of weight recently.

She kissed Michelle on the cheek softly and took Tommy’s hands in her own, gently urging him to stand up. Not to be crude, but you may remember being so sick that the only thing that helped was to throw up; vomiting out whatever made you sick. It felt horrible, but keeping it in felt so much worse. Tommy had been crying almost non-stop from the time they arrived at the house until dinner; almost three hours. But he still needed desperately to get some things out, which would be coaxed out gently by the firm hug that Diane gave him. She kissed him repeatedly, evoking painful tears which came in cascades down his already tear-stained cheeks to mix with the loving tears of someone he had only just met.

You probably know someone like Diane. A word or a gesture that would seem almost meaningless from someone else coming from Diane would provide the permission you didn’t even know you had sought to talk; to cry; to confess…

She patted the boy repeatedly on the back as years of shame and guilt flowed like a torrent of water through a broken dam. And while he obviously hadn’t changed physically, his true self slowly began to emerge; the frightened girl they had only met just hours before.

“Taryn, honey, it’s okay. I know it hurts, sweetheart. It’s okay, you can let go.” She rubbed the newly-transformed girl’s neck; much like your mother might have done when you came home after being hurt by a bully or if your friends had said unkind words.

Lainey stood up by her sister, which would have appeared almost ludicrous, because her “little” sister stood almost a head taller than her and was not at all dressed as the sister she actually was.

Taryn looked at Lainey with almost pleading eyes and said haltingly through her sobs,

“Why did you go away, why did you leave me?”

Lainey grabbed Taryn’s hand, thinking back to that fateful day; a day that changed each sister’s life forever, although neither had any control over what happened, both before and after Lainey’s abrupt departure.

“Edward, listen to your father; he only wants what’s best for you,” Eddie’s mother said.

Eddie sat on the back deck of the house. His face was red with undue shame and too many weeks of crying. He tried to tell them, but no one would listen.

“Mom…it’s not like that. I’m not who you think I am…I’m Elaine.”

“Do not use that name. I forbid it.” She said it with sternly with an almost regal air, as if she held sovereignty or magical power.

“You are our son, and the sooner you accept that, the better everyone will be. And what does Carla think about all this…what do her parents think?” Helen Esposito was more interested in image. Truth be told, Carla really didn’t care if Eddie wanted to be Elaine, since she and Eddie were best friends; never really boyfriend and girlfriend; more like best girlfriends. But Carla wasn’t the real issue.

“Either way, it’s not right and you know it,” she snapped.

Some folks might have some strong opinions about what is right and what is wrong. That wasn’t the issue here either. That was a debate best left to someone else. The issue wasn’t even that Eddie wanted to lead his life…her life actually as Elaine. The issue was how her parents’ friends and fellow church members felt. What would ‘they” think? Frankly, a lot of people really never gave it much thought or care, and more people cared less about it anyway.

So here we have a seventeen-year-old girl being rejected by her parents; not even for what they actually believed, but for what someone else might say. It really wasn’t about Elaine; their middle child, the honor student in high school, and possibly one of the kindest, most sensitive kids you’d ever want to meet; a lovely child, caring and compassionate, forced to choose between her family and her sense of self.

Mrs. Esposito glared at her daughter, seeing only a disobedient and ungrateful son.

“We’re leaving in an hour for your grandmother’s for dinner. Your father says that if you put on something decent you may accompany us. If you don’t change, he wants you to be out of the house by the time we get home” Her voice was cold and emotionless.

“What do you say, mom? How do you feel about it?”

Years of velvet tyranny had turned his mother into almost a cipher who parroted everything her husband had to say. With no opinion of her own any longer, she rose from the steps, turned and began to walk away, simply saying,

“He’s my husband.” She looked back at her once again and said, “One hour.”

The family gathered at the front door, preparing to leave. Bobby, the oldest, wore slacks, a knit polo shirt, and a windbreaker. Mr. and Mrs. Esposito both were dressed in their Sunday finery. And Tommy, the youngest, wore his favorite Phillies jersey over a red Phillies tee shirt and jeans. Tommy looked back in surprise at the couch. Elaine looked up from her crossword magazine. Her long brown hair was pulled back in a ponytail, revealing opal studs in her newly pierced ear lobes. Her burgundy cowl-neck sweater covered the bruises on her neck where Bobby had hit her only hours before. She wore a long denim skirt with a tattered fringe and brown cowgirl boots.

She tried to smile bravely, for brave she was. Her apparel had sealed her fate in the familial sense and she waited to be rejected; her fears borne out by the words her father uttered just moments ago.

“You made your choice, Edward. Now you may enjoy the consequences of your foolishness. You have sown the wind, now reap the whirl wind,” Her father took scripture out of context and used it to fatally wound, rather than heal his relationship with his daughter. Born in the hills outside of Palermo, Salvatore Esposito had come to America in his teens, making his mark in business and succeeding, but at the cost of his family. He was a driven man, and he treated his family like a cruel taskmaster would treat an employee.

Tommy stood at the door, wondering why his brother would defy his father like this, but there was something inside of him that cheered for Eddie. It was as if he was the only sane one in the family. Tommy would be torn apart from his own doubts and fears, but that would come later. He watched as his father stood in front of Eddie, looming over him more like an adversary than a father, but that was exactly what he was.

”By the time we get back, you will have had enough time to pack your things and leave. If I find you in the house when we return, I will call the police and have you arrested for delinquency and trespassing. I expect you will have left, and you need to know one thing. As of this moment you are no longer my son.” Her father sought to evoke some sort of response; he wished to make his daughter cry, and he continued, this time in Italian.

“Vi sono morti per me. Spero che lei putredine nell'inferno.
You are dead to me! I hope you rot in hell!"

Elaine didn’t know what he said, but by the tone and the almost evil look on her father’s face, she knew it had to be a curse. Mr. Esposito glared at this brave sad girl once again, who sat on the couch, unable to fight back the tears her father had hoped for.

Non accetterá² mai vi. La vostra madre non saranno mai accettare che. Ho solo due figli ora. Non ho una figlia, solo una prostituta che si la famiglia!

I will never accept you. Your mother will never accept you. I have only two sons now. I have no daughter; only a slut who dishonors the family.

He glared back at her before walking out the door, calling, “Three hours!” He stepped into the night, leaving this precious child to weep sad tears alone, scared, fearing what her future held.

Ascolta cosa sto dicendo, Dio…considerare miei pianto
Listen to what I am saying, God…consider my crying….

Taryn listened while Lainey gave the short version of her departure, evoking more than a few sobs from everyone. She remembered that day when she came home to the empty house, feeling like a part of her heart hand been ripped from her. Her father feared no "rebellion" as it were from Tommy’s brother Bobby; as they were almost completely of like mind. And his mother Helen did exactly as she was told. Tommy was a different story, however.

"Do you see what has become of your brother?" Tommy's father stood over him in a menacing way, just as he had to Eddie only hours before.

"You must know; you are never to speak to him...bastardo...He is no longer my son...no longer your brother." Salvatore Esposito made Tommy promise not to have contact with Eddie (please pardon the interchangeable nouns and pronouns; this was the only name known to the family.) Over the next four years since Tommy had lost his brother...his best friend, actually, they had little contact. Word of Lainey's whereabouts came infrequently and Tommy tried to write whenever he could.

Once, Salvatore had found out that Lainey had sent Tommy a birthday card. He ripped it up and Tommy was beaten for his part, not by his father, but by his brother Bobby, who we already know was of like mind with his father. Marks left in inconspicuous places and beatings brutal enough to inflict pain but soft enough to preclude any need for medical attention; these, coupled with threats and curses, destroyed whatever self-esteem the boy had. He felt as if there was no one to turn to.

Al mattino, o Signore, si sente la mia voce;
al mattino i laici mie richieste prima che voi e attendere in affidamento.
In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice;
in the morning I lay my requests before you
and wait in expectation.

And now, how could he finally do what he wanted most? He was convinced his own life would be forfeit if he had even hinted at his longing to be....to exist happily as Taryn, with friends who would love and accept her. How could he when his family ruled his life.

And because of his talent; his absolute mastery of sports, his prowess doomed him to a fate worse than death; a lifetime of denying the beautiful child inside. Every glimpse in the mirror, every "way to go, TOMMY, nice hit, TOMMY, good shot, TOMMY;” these all relegated his true self further and further into a premature grave.

Every moment of every success, every win, every hit, every goal; these all doomed Taryn to limbo, a place with no escape; no hope, where dreams were destroyed and wishes unanswered as Tommy grew stronger and faster and taller; as he became the chosen one in the family, Taryn wept more and more, feeling like she would never be free; never be happy. For a while, she was actually bitter and angry at Lainey, jealous of her "freedom,' not knowing that for most of their estrangement, Lainey endured her own private hell of rejection, doubt and hopelessness.

But almost miraculously, Taryn learned of Lainey's marriage, hearing about it through a callous, disgusting remark from a teammate, who naturally believed that Tommy hated his brother, not knowing Taryn loved her sister. Sadly, Tommy did nothing to change his teammate’s perception, allowing him to believe the worst. Taryn thought of going to the hospital to visit her sister after she saved that man's life (Providence Part 3), but the thought of the beating she would receive, the hatred and the invectives that would spew forth to act as venom to her soul; she stayed away, adding not only to her sadness over her loss, but to the mounting guilt over her abandonment of her sister. She kept away from the only person who actually loved her, as if they had never even known one another; adding to her guilt and shame.

Ma che tutti coloro che rifugiarsi in voi essere lieti; li mai cantare di gioia.
But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy

"I'm sorry; I didn't know...I'm so sorry." Not simultaneously, but both sisters confessed and forgave each other over the next few days. Lainey welcomed Taryn with open arms, like the father welcomed the prodigal son, overjoyed and filled with peace.

No longer feeling guilty for the estrangement with Lainey, Taryn nonetheless was weighed down with guilt and shame over another secret that was too hard to bear, but almost impossible to confess.

Salvatore Esposito kept his own secret, which was not secret at all, since inside his own home, his wife knew of his countless affairs; his infidelity almost worn as a crown of sovereignty, his arrogance a scepter of power, his cruelty the orb of authority. It mattered not to him that his wife was neglected; she had no strength or standing to protest. But she had power nonetheless, and she wielded it in a twisted, horrible way; feeling justified through her own pain.

Words can and will describe things that we find disgusting and cruel but will remain unspeakable. This author has seen it elsewhere, with other children and other parents. Helen Esposito was no longer loved in any way by her husband, so she instead used another in his place to fulfill her own needs, feeling that her own pain and rejection had somehow given her the right to commit evil. Tommy became more than a son and less than her child as she used him the way her husband used one of his whores. (This author feels badly about using that invective, since so many women start out in that manner because their own innocence was ripped from them in the very same manner as was Tommy’s childhood.) And he felt powerless, overwhelmed with shame; more shame than anyone should be asked to endure, but his parents held all the power.

Taryn had held onto this secret, feeling disgust and shame almost too much to bear, but revealing the secret would tear the family further apart. Guilt plagued her from the time she got up to the time she went to bed, from all sides. The athlete came to a place where he could no longer produce; the hero had no strength, no desire, no will of his own, and every night the tall handsome boy retreated to his bedroom, seeking solace and comfort in his other self. The two were unable to resist the evil in that household. Taryn wept for Tommy, as it were, even though it was unbearably painful to withstand the assault on him while denying her true self. But the nighttime of her own tears of guilt and shame she shed were far better than any moment lived as the boy she no longer was.

Pianto maggio scorso attraverso la notte, ma la gioia proviene al mattino.
Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning.

I will watch you in the darkness
Show you love will see you through
When the bad dreams wake you crying
I'll show you all love can do
All love can do

All of the women gathered around Taryn in prayer, feeling helpless themselves after hearing what this poor girl had endured at the hands of her family. They had listened as Taryn had recounted the nearly four years of abuse she had suffered, and wept with this girl. Something was needed to relieve the tension and lift the mood; not for themselves, but for this poor girl.

Without even being asked, Joey got up from the table and turned to the crowd of Taryn’s new friends and family and said,

“I think we need to have a party to welcome Taryn home.” She bounded into the kitchen and started by putting on the kettle for some tea. She had baked a cake for dinner, and looked quickly, finding some birthday candles. She called from the kitchen,

“What are you guys waiting for? Let’s get started.”

April and Terri looked at each other; teammates in so many sports over the years, they almost thought alike, and came to the same conclusion.

“We need presents.” They both ran to their respective bedrooms and started looking through closets and dressers. April stood just a tad shy of six feet, while Terri stood well past six-two. Between them, they had just the right things for Taryn. You may recall Tommy stood about six-four, and would have been sorely pressed to find clothing to fit, so it was fitting that she had come to the right place at the right time as her real self. Michelle and Diane excused themselves as they left to go home to get some things as well. Lainey just looked at her new sister and smiled.
Taryn had finally been able to stop crying after the ordeal of telling her story, which turned from arduous to freeing and healing as she received the love and acceptance of the women. She looked at Lainey with wonder. She had only seen her sister twice in four years, and even at that, it was as her male self. This was the first time that the two sisters were together, and she couldn’t get over the excitement, now that the sorrow had passed, if only for the moment.

After about forty minutes, all the women were together again, making preparations for a coming out party like no one had ever seen. Boxes were piled on the buffet on the far wall, decorated with an odd assortment of Christmas and birthday wrapping paper. The table was set with tea cups and cake plates and utensils, with an impromptu centerpiece of a bowl of lilac petals hastily but gently pulled and added along with some mint sprigs for color. Diane stepped next to the two sisters and said,

“We had a little contest, and Terri won.” Diane smiled and lifted Taryn/Tommy out of the chair. Still clad in her boy clothes, she needed some help in getting ready for the party, and Terri won the privilege. Diane handed the girl off to Terri, who walked out of the room with the girl in tow.

“This is so cool,” Joey said, having never been to a party in her life. She had been abused and hurt and finally treated like an object for most of her life, and well into her early twenties had never had anything special done for her. The delight over someone else’s joy was a testimony to her own healing, as she had never participated in giving of herself anything voluntarily. She was excited, and she scurried between the kitchen and dining room getting the refreshments in place. A few minutes later, two figures appeared once again in the hallway, but one looked brand-new; evidence that life can and does get better with the help of friends and family and God. Terri stood next to her new friend, tears in her own eyes over the wonderful transformation with which she had helped.

“Ladies, for the first time anywhere, I give you Taryn Anne Esposito.” She gently tugged at the hand of the girl next to her, pulling her into sight. Taryn stood there, transformed. Of course, the clothing had changed her appearance, but the ability to be herself, wearing something that made her feel good about her self; total and absolute metamorphosis from old to new, like a caterpillar into a beautiful butterfly.

For the lights will take you
Through the night to see
All love, showing us all love can be

Where a strong, good looking shy boy once stood, there stood instead a lovely, sweet and attractive girl. She wore a dark green corduroy mid-calf skirt, complements of April. Terri contributed a nice cream-colored button down blouse along with a pretty dark wine-colored brocade jacket. Michelle had provided some nice dark brown boots, and Diane had given her a nice set of pearl clip-on earrings and a matching gold necklace with a single pearl. Her hair was dark brown, almost but not quite auburn and it fell in soft curls to caress her shoulders. And her makeup was simple but suited her. Her lips were slightly glossy and almost wine-colored as well. She wore just a hint of mascara and her eye shadow set off her dark green eyes and complemented her decidedly Sicilian complexion, which mirrored her older but smaller sister’s lovely face. But the best part…the part that made everything come together in such a heart-rending but delightful way was her smile; a smile that had not seen the light of day for almost three years. She stood in front of her new friends and family and felt for the first time...in her life that she belonged, accepted and loved.

I will watch by the night
Hold you in my arms
Give you dreams where no one will be
I will watch through the dark
Till the morning comes

Terri stood back and looked at her once again. The women crowded around her, showering her with hugs and kisses and more hugs, all in wonder at the transformation. Even little Deedee marveled at the sight of her brand new aunt.

Terri looked at Taryn and a thought came to her. An answer came to her for a question that had almost plagued her for nearly two years; the kind of question that would arise from time to time. She looked at Taryn’s beautiful hair, remembering the first time she had seen it herself, adorning a Styrofoam head in a wig shop she had visited soon after she had lost most of her own hair during her chemo. Her own hair had grown back long ago, and she couldn’t help but think from time to time why she had bothered to keep the wig, since she no longer needed it. At one time, she might have attributed it to absentmindedness or a perhaps an unwillingness to let go of the painful reminder of her own ordeal. But she had been healed long ago, not just from the cancer, but the bitterness and anger toward God over failed relationships and devastating illness. So why had she kept the wig. And it came to her, like a gentle reminder of grace and restoration; she had kept it for such a time as this, as it says somewhere.

Taryn’s hair would grow eventually, now given "permission" to assume the length she chose rather than the image someone else had of her. But for now, today, it provided a special gift to her that added something restorative and wonderful to an already wonderful day. Her own loss and subsequent healing had been a way to be healing to another, and it was no accident.. And Terri marveled at the girl's name as well, being an afficianado of word and name meanings. Here, in April and Lainey's house stood a new girl, free from the bounds of evil and fear, the girl stood in a place (Es posit - Esposito) of innocence (Taryn) and grace (Anne) Coincidence? No...another wonderful example of providence.

I will guard you with my bright wings
Stay till your heart learns to see
All love can be

All Love Can Be - James Horner & Will Jennings
The party lasted until after midnight. Lainey had taken Deedee to put her to bed and they had both fallen asleep in the mommie’s bed after only a few minutes. Diane and Michelle helped Joey clean up before leaving themselves, and Joey went to bed soon after that, leaving Terri and April with Taryn

“What about school, Taryn?” April asked.

“School year ends in a week, and we’ve just got finals.” She smiled weakly, finding little solace in the finality of high school, despite her happiness over her new found home. “They’ll figure out something to screw this up…I just know it.” She reached up and pulled off the wig Terri had given her

“Who am I kidding.” It was absolutely sad to see her lapse into her boy mode as she stared blankly away from the two new friends.

“What’s wrong, sweetie, I thought you’d at least feel safe over here?” April asked, surprising herself with the term of affection. Even after being married for two years, old habits died at least slowly, and it was still a struggle for her to express emotion, even something as a term of endearment, as they call it.

Taryn didn’t feel guilty about abandoning baseball; her health had deteriorated significantly to the point where her performance as Tommy had been noticed by everyone important, including his father. His mother no longer found “him” attractive, which was a blessing and a disappointment, as crazy as that sounds. Children of abuse often feel rejected when the abuse ceases since it is sometimes the only connection, as twisted as it is, that the child has; when the abuser moves on, feelings of relief may be sadly overshadowed by the feelings of abandonment. Taryn was overjoyed and relieved even while there remained an indescribable mixture of guilt and loss for Tommy.

“Honey, there’s a friend of ours we think might be a help to you. She’s first and last a terrific lady who has been through a lot of the things you have. And she doesn’t charge a thing. April planned on calling Katie Kelly in the morning. But she had another call to make as well, one that would help Taryn sort out some other things as well.

“Jerry? This is April Colavito; I’m a teammate of your sister Joann.” April played on the same league softball team with Jerry Davis’ sister, who was a superb shortstop and terrific friend. Jerry was the Athletic Director at Central High School, but more importantly, Jerry had connections through his cousin with the University of Science of Philadelphia. After a few minutes of explanation, April asked the following;

“She’s a terrific kid and a great student. Despite all the stuff she’s been through, she’s been able to keep up her grades. Because she won’t be attending any of the schools she had offers from, she’s left out in the cold, since she’s no longer playing sports, and in her present “form” she’s likely not to be accepted anywhere under any other circumstances." Taryn was at a crossroads that didn’t include much of what she had accomplished when she was still Tommy Esposito, so she was literally in academic limbo unless Jerry could help.

“I’m not promising anything, April, but I’ll see what I can do.” Jerry hung up the phone and scratched his head in wonder. A few years ago, his belief system would have precluded any consideration, much less assistance for a transgender student. Getting to know a young man who had helped his sister and his dying nephew (See Salvation) had changed his mind about a lot of things. He still didn’t understand or even accept some things about the whole transgender “thing,” but getting to know his starting shortstop as both Danny and Paula had changed his perspective. He had become so broad-minded and accepting that he concluded that he didn’t have to understand anything in order to behave like a decent human being. He called his cousin and had a long talk.

A few days later, Taryn was sitting at the kitchen table studying for her last final. Because of her unique situation, she had been allowed to reside out of district, since she was only one week away from graduation. She had been ostracized by most of her external support system, having become the laughing stock of her former teammates after she left the team. And several of the coaches in the league had even joked and made crude remarks at the last league meeting, prompting Coach Davis to walk out, but not before telling off his colleagues. Some of the coaches actually called to apologize and one even went so far as to write a letter of apology to Taryn herself. Without the pressure to continue on the baseball team, Taryn had become much more relaxed and at ease. She had found a new friend in Joey Carlucci, Terri’s wife, who reached out to her, being the closest in age to the girl.

“There’s a man at the door who’d like to talk with you, Taryn.” Joey called from the living room. Fearing the worst, Taryn rose from the table and walked with dread into the living room, where she saw Joey and April and a man and woman she hadn’t met. Jerry Davis stood next to his cousin Ruth, who smiled at Taryn warmly.

“Jerry tells me you’re a good student without a school home for the fall. I looked at your grades, and looked into some resources we have in reserve. If it’s okay with you, we’d like to offer you a full scholarship for the fall. Your grades are outstanding, and your sister-in-law filled me in only in a general sense with what you’ve been through. I think USP and you will be a good match, young lady, so how about it?” Taryn was on the edge of her emotions most of the time, despite a few weeks of working with her new counselor, but years of abuse just don’t go away magically.

Healing takes time and support and understanding, and Dr. Kelly had encouraged her in so many ways, and had put her in touch with a transgender support group for teens that met at her wife’s high school. But nothing could have prepared the girl for such a gift of grace. She had given up hope of attending college, at least for the fall term, and to have such an offer. April was becoming quite observant and sensitive, and walked over to Taryn to embrace her as she wept. It was good that her crying was more and more a reflection of relief and joy, as opposed to the years of unbearable sorrow and grief in her parent’s home.

Jerry couldn’t resist; he wasn’t teasing by any means, but his point of reference with the girl harkened back only a year ago, when her former male self had destroyed all hopes for a state championship for Central with a long two-run homerun in the semi-finals.

“You really spoiled my day….” He stumbled over his words, not really knowing how to address the former all-star, who stood before him, clad not in jeans and tee-shirt and letter jacket, but in a denim skirt and maroon cowl neck sweater. Her hair was beginning to grow, and the girl no longer appeared like the baseball player she used to be, but as a pretty young woman on the verge of entering college.

“It’s okay, it’s Taryn,” she said, as she dried her tears with a hankie. “Everybody’s getting used to me this way…even I have trouble some times.” She stepped toward Jerry and gave him an awkward hug, still fighting back the tears. She smiled and said,

“Thank you so much…this means the world to me. I had given up hope that anything good could ever happen to me and now I know that no matter what happens I’m going to be alright because I know God loves me.”

A few days later, Terri and Joey were sitting in the living room with Taryn, who was enjoying the end of finals. She had decided that she wasn’t going to walk with her classmates for graduation. Her parents were no longer speaking to her, which hurt and helped her at the same time. So the only ones who actually cared about her graduation were her friends and her sister and sister-in-law. They planned a party for the weekend, and the three were making plans when a knock came at the door. Terri rose from the couch and walked over and opened the door. Standing on the front step was a tall handsome man, about twenty-six or so, and he looked vaguely familiar.

“Is this the Esposito house?” He asked. He appeared anxious, and he kept looking back toward the street, as if he wanted to leave.

“Yes, can I help you? Lainey and April aren’t here right now, but they should be home soon.” Terri was about to encourage the man to return later when Taryn let out a sob, which evoked the following.

“Tommy…is that you?” Almost a statement rather than a question, and even odder, a welcoming gaze, as if the man knew her, which he did.

“Bobby…what are you doing here?” Taryn asked, trying hard not to cry and trying even harder not to run to her room.

It would almost have appeared rude when the man stepped quickly past Terri and walked up to Taryn. She cringed, expecting the worst, but she saw that he had tears in his eyes. He stood quietly for a moment, as if he were trying to look inside himself for courage or something to help him speak. Finally he said,

“Tommy….I’m so sorry. I….you and Eddie….” He almost choked on the words. As with other times, we may forgive him for the names; he had never even known what Elaine’s name was, and he never took the time to get to know Tommy as Taryn, despite pleading and weeping. He had participated in the abandonment of both of his sisters, and had been a brutal accomplice to his father’s abuse of both as well. Even more horrible, he knew what his mother had done to Tommy in the evil secrecy of her abuse to his brother/sister. Nothing could have atoned for his actions; nothing excused or would ever remove his complicity and inaction as his parents both visited evil upon his siblings. Nothing that is, except what Taryn had to say.

“Oh God, help me….Bobby…what….” She swallowed hard, and choked back sobs and said, as calmly and sincerely as she could,

“I forgive you.” It made no sense. Bobby stood by when Elaine was beaten, even choosing to hit and abuse Elaine, and was the instrument that drove her, not only from her own home, but the rest of the family as well. Bobby knew what unspeakable acts occurred when his mother demanded Tommy’s attention, and he stood by as well when his father rewarded Tommy’s failures…less than perfect plays on the baseball field or the basketball court were met with beatings and cursings and neglect and disdain. Why? How could she forgive? But in Taryn’s mind, in her heart of hearts, after receiving so much grace and acceptance and love from her new-found home, how could she not forgive?

“I’m sorry…please forgive me.” The words came once again, but not from Bobby, but from Taryn. “I’ve hated you for so long…I am so sorry….I know what Daddy did to you…what Mommy did to you.” Taryn…Tommy wasn’t the first or even the second victim of his mother’s selfish evil. Elaine and Bobby both suffered the beatings of their brutal parents; Elaine and Bobby both were scarred and tainted by their mother’s perversion. And Taryn had judged them; just as much as her teammates had judged and condemned her, she had judged and condemned both her siblings. She had sought and had received forgiveness from Elaine, and now it was time to make amends with her older brother.

She wept unashamedly and held her arms open in welcome and request, and her brother collapsed in her arms. The two shared too much pain, an evil commonality that only time and forgiveness and restoration and love would heal. It started then, and it continued as Taryn looked up to see Lainey and April standing at the doorway. Lainey's sobs were almost belied by the smile on her face; a seemingly incongruous expression but for the joy of seeing her brother and sister together. As you have heard all along, bitterness and anger and unforgiveness are destructive and serve no purpose but to delay any hope of restoration. All three siblings stood together as their friends looked on in wonder and relief.

And April, who came to know the release of tears; the healing of tears….April wept for her wife, knowing the pain she had been through. She wept for Taryn, coming to love her sister-in-law as if she was her own flesh and blood. And she now wept for her brother-in-law, who, like the prodigal, had come home, humble and seeking restoration and forgiveness.

Grace isn’t earned. It can’t be bought or bargained for. No trading or bartering, grace is bestowed by the giver to one without consideration of merit or favor. Bobby didn’t deserve forgiveness. For that matter, Taryn and Lainey didn’t either. Truth be told, no one deserves forgiveness; otherwise it wouldn’t be a gift. It wouldn’t be as precious if we could say, “This is mine…you owe it to me.” My own parents never deserved my forgiveness for all that I had endured. And I never deserved forgiveness for my part, since I had done things in my life that mirrored their faults and weakness. But we forgave and received forgiveness.

So what became of the ones who started this all, you might ask. The better question would be; what became of the children who received it all. The story is ongoing, like all of the stories I convey. Taryn and Lainey and Bobby tried to reach out to their parents to forgive and ask for forgiveness. Forgiveness from the abuser? How fair is that? What did they do to deserve that?

But the children also harbored bitterness and hatred in their own hearts. Understandable, yes, absolutely. Justifiable? Perhaps, but as with their own relationships, all three found that the only thing their hatred toward their parents did was to keep them enslaved to the abuse and pain they sought to relieve. So they forgave. It would be wonderful to report that their efforts were received, but everyone has the right and opportunity to make choices, no matter how tragic the outcome might be. Helen Esposito died of a heart attack shortly after Taryn entered her first year of college, still refusing to accept her daughter. Salvatore Esposito suffered a stroke shortly after that and passed away with all three children at his side, never waking to see their love despite his hatred; their forgiveness despite his bitter neglect and abandonment.

Life can be unfair…we believe in that, we see that every day. But really, it’s not what happens to us that defines who we are. It’s what we do with the time we have. It’s not, “Was someone kind to me?” It’s “who can I be kind to?” Justice is always served, whether in this lifetime, or perhaps beyond. And for the Esposito family, it’s more about restoration. Taryn — Innocence, Elaine — bright light, Robert — bright fame. There's an old saying, perhaps you've read it or heard it. "What was meant for evil, God meant for good." Oh, and before I forget, little Deedee gained something else when the family reconciled. Her new absolutely adorable if very infrequent…Aunt…Roberta!

A Christmas of Providence

So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young

Michelle and Diane’s home…

Diane sat at the edge of the bed. Outside the bedroom window, she noticed it had started to snow. Christmas Eve snow…quaint and comforting at another time, but not tonight. Michelle lay resting after a long day.

“What stage of grief am I in today,” Diane asked herself sarcastically. Michelle’s chemo was going as well as could be hoped for. “I don’t really care at this point.” She thought…”what difference does it make as long as she’s okay….How many times do I have to go through this?” Her daughter, her son-in-law, her friends…all had battled cancer. She’d lost her first husband, who was her best girlfriend as well in instant in Iraq years ago. And now to lose another husband? Oh, some might wonder, since Michelle lived as a woman full time, but that was just part of who he was. He hardly had any energy to paint, and several of his pieces languished in the studio, incomplete. The surgery promised hope; nothing was left as far as the doctors could tell, but one never knows.

Diane kissed Michelle on the cheek and whispered softly….”I thank God for you….and I’m not letting go…” She knelt beside the bed and began to pray.

The O’Hara-Carlucci apartment…

“It’s okay….really honey….oh Joey…don’t cry.” Terri sat on the edge of the bed, trying to console her. Joey was in the midst of HRT…it was actually coming along well. It was what she had noticed the past few days that had her sad. But not for herself.

“I think you look lovely…really, sweetie,” Terri said, stroking Joey’s hair. Joey was inconsolable.

“But what ab….about you, Ter? What about you? This isn’t fair.” Joey burst into tears and fell back onto the bed, burying her face in the pillow.

Terri looked down and her robe was open. She made especially sure to wear the wine colored robe with the soft lace filigree on the bodice. Very pretty…she had hoped it would compensate…. She saw the scars had almost disappeared, finally losing most of their color after five years. She stared her chest and tears came to her eyes…It was almost like The Gift of the Magi, but too ironic again by half. She had forgone the opportunity for breast reconstruction to help pay for the hormones that Joey was now taking in anticipation of her eventual reassignment surgery. And now …after a few months, Joey’s breasts had begun to grow, almost like a girl in puberty, sweet and brand new.

“How can I keep this up when you….” Joey sobbed into the pillow. “This is enough for me…we have to get you…you know I don’t mind …please tell me you know that.”

Terri rubbed Joey’s back and shoulders and said softly through her own tears,

“I know, honey….you just want me to feel better…I do feel better. And it’ll all work out eventually. Everything works out eventually…I’m okay….honey…”

Joey was still weeping when tender hands began to turn her over ….she felt soft lips begin to kiss her breasts…new feelings both inside and out emerged as the two women embraced. Awkwardly and tenderly at first, Joey kissed Terri’s face, her tears mingling with her wife’s to form a bittersweet union of sadness and hope.

Tender, gentle hands caressed Joey’s breasts while their mouths met. A night of passion? Perhaps not…An evening of exploration and sweet love instead. It was ironic but in an absolutely wonderful way. Joey so wanted Terri to be healed completely, and in a way, it was Joey’s love for her that was providing the healing, just as much as if a surgeon were repairing her breasts, Joey’s devotion to her wife had helped to bring Terri’s inner healing to near completion; and who is ever completely healed?

Joey kissed her wife’s breasts…to some they might appear mal-formed or incomplete. She would never suckle the baby that grew inside of her; a miracle of wondrous proportions. The tenderness and sensitivity of the scars had given way to an almost numbness, but Terri had gotten used to that. What remained so special…each time they came together…was the gentle and almost reverent way Joey loved her. She felt the kisses by the scars; the sensation lay in her mind and heart rather than on the skin, although some feeling remained. She felt Joey’s tears wash across her chest, almost like a torrent as Joey continued to kiss her wife’s chest, even as she wept.

“I love you so much, Ter….You are my life…you rescued me…I was lost…you found me…I was broken…dear God you saved me…”

Joey moved up and began to kiss her wife’s neck and shoulders, biting and nudging and kissing softly. Tenderly, with so much love and wonder and thanksgiving, Joey turned her attention to pleasuring her wife. Soft, gentle hands caressed Terri’s body, once again touching her chest as if it were made out of fragile crystal, wanting so much to love and afraid of hurting or leaving her uncomfortable. Her hand moved further down until it found the soft mound. She softly ran her fingers through the hair, almost combing it with her nails. Gently she massaged her, touching carefully at first, then with increased but still gentle attention. Her head slowly lifted away from her lover’s face as she brought herself lower….kisses brought sensitive areas awake as she moved down Terri’s body. A small patch of skin, awash in feeling amidst the numbness, came to life with an almost spark…Terri moaned as her lovers hands gave way to kisses and licks…a tenderness of a different kind; responsive, eager, ready…she stroked her lover’s cheeks as tears flowed like a cleansing river after a storm as tension and worry and sadness vanished in a final, wonderful moment…

Another time, perhaps, and Terri would have felt guilty and even selfish. Joey was no longer responsive…she was sensitive in areas she had never really taken note of before, while old familiarity gave way to indifference as she moved closer to the final change. But here and now, Terri knew that what they just experienced was for Joey’s benefit as much as her own…Joey needed to feel important and that she was unselfish and loving and caring. Just like a birthday rather than Christmas Eve, only one would receive a gift that night, but the giver felt alive and happy and whole for the giving, as much as if witnessing a friend open a pretty package and being overjoyed at the look on their face.

Terri held Joey in her arms as the girl wept out of relief, the tension of the day melted as she kissed away Joey’s tears. Years of feeling unimportant and insignificant were replaced by feelings of belonging…and that Joey was discovering that she could love just as much as be loved. Terri wasn’t much of a singer in her own eyes, but her voice was sweet and kind and gentle and loving. She sang softly…”you are so beautiful…to me”

The Esposito home…

The Espositos had looked forward to this Christmas…April was in her fourth month…a boy this time. It would have been wondrous and special but for the fever DeeDee had, which was thankfully coming down and the house hold was awake even at two am. Lainey sat on the couch, holding her daughter, waiting for her to fall asleep. Not a nice way to greet Christmas, but that’s the way it goes.

DeeDee finally drifted off, her temperature finally under control. At least they were spared a trip to the ER on Christmas Eve. Lainey walked over to the recliner where April had finally fallen asleep as well. She looked forward to tomorrow, if nervously. Her sister Taryn and her brother Robert were coming over for dinner. Taryn was on winter break after her third semester at college. Her girlfriend had her own family in Scranton to visit, so Taryn would be coming alone. Robert had called at the last minute. He would be coming after all, and he had a mysterious announcement to make. Lainey was exhausted, but the presents still had to be put under the tree. Time enough to rest tomorrow afternoon, but for now….She leaned over and kissed April on the lips, which caused a soft purr from her wife.

“Merry Christmas,” Lainey whispered softly as she covered April with a comforter before turning her attention to assembling a cute pink tricycle.

Athens Diner….

Colleen McGuire sat across from her boyfriend at the diner. They had already talked for about an hour, and it was past midnight, so Christmas had come, and still was nervous and scary.

“Bobby, please, would you stop talking for just a moment”

At any other time, likely with anyone else, hearing her boyfriend list her qualities one by one would have been wonderful. But she needed to tell Bobby what was weighing heavy on her heart. She stared at him, wondering how God could bless her with such a man. He was open and honest…he was not shy about admitting his failures. She knew everything about his family, their struggles; their heartaches.

Bobby had finally been reconciled to his sisters after years of estrangement, and his relationship, while growing closer every day, still remained tentative, despite their complete forgiveness.. Colleen was absolutely sure that Lainey and Taryn would accept her after what she had to say. She wasn’t sure at all about her boyfriend.

“Bobby…honey…I love you so much. The last few weeks have been so special. You’ve been patient with me…and I love you all the more for that. But we have to talk…you have to hear what I have to say.”

Tears began to fall as she tried to continue. She looked out the window of the diner and noticed it was snowing. Christmas Snow…she thought of Suzanne Somers’ character on “Three’s Company”… how odd that would come to mind. She wiped her face with a napkin, took a deep breath and continued.

“I’m not who you think I am….I’m so sorry, I didn’t want it to get this far without telling you about me. I love you more than anyone I’ve ever known, but it’s too much to continue. I want to love you, no matter what, and it might mean giving you up.”

Bobby looked at her and smiled softly, his own eyes beginning to mist.

“Colleen…there is absolutely nothing you could say to me that would change how I feel about you…nothing. In fact, I had something I wanted to tell you, and I think now is as good a time as any.”

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small jewelry box. Standing up, he walked around the table and knelt on one knee. He looked up at her and smiled, but his gesture was met with more tears.

“Oh God, Bobby…I’m so sorry…”

Colleen got up and ran out the door to her car. She was so nervous, that she couldn’t find the slot for her key. She fumbled for a moment until she felt a hand touch her shoulder gently. She turned around and Bobby was standing there, tears in his eyes.

“Colleen….honey…I love you.”

Tenderly he brushed the snowflakes from her face. He drew her into himself and kissed her gently, as if to make the unknown pain go away. She felt herself let go; she wanted to resist for his sake but for hers as well. She dare not allow this to go any further, but his kisses only made her plight more difficult as she gave into his tender attention and kissed back. Their tears mingled as they held tight, neither wanting to let go for fear of having to face what Colleen would say.

Colleen pulled away from him and finally got her car door open. Before she could act, Bobby reached in and grabbed the keys from her hand. He flipped the electric lock, walked over to the passenger side and got in the car. Handing the keys back to her, he said.

“If you want to go anywhere, you’ll have me along as company …You’re not going to leave me without an explanation. I love you…I’ve loved you since the second date, when you got ice cream on your nose and you let me wipe it off with my sleeve. Whatever it is, it can’t be all that bad…talk to me, honey…you can count on me…whatever it is…I’m here for you.”

Colleen had never felt so hopeless in her life. She put her head down on the steering wheel and began to weep. Years of frustration and doubt poured out as if a dam had burst. After a few minutes, she lifted her head. Bobby sat there, quietly, with the most loving expression she had ever seen. That might not have given her enough courage to bear any response he might have, but it was at least enough to help her say what she needed to tell him.

“I’m thirty years old, Bobby, and I was born in Austin, Texas.”

“You’ve told me that…so you’re thirty…what dif…”

She cut him off,

“My name is Colleen Mary McGuire, but it wasn’t always that….”

She saw his face hadn’t changed, still displaying acceptance and love like she had never known. Her tears had returned, but flowed gently down her face.

“My mom and dad…so wonderful…we had a period of adjustment when I was in my teens, but after a while they came to understand me…who I was…what I needed.”

“That’s great honey. Compared to my parents the Borgia’s would seem sweet and kind, but after talking to your mom….”

“Bobby…oh God this is so…Bobby….my birth certificate….baby boy McGuire…Francis James McGuire…” Her voice trailed off and she began to sob once again, her shoulders convulsing and her hands gripping the steering wheel like a vise.

She felt his hand reach over and gently grab her chin. She looked up to see that his face hadn’t changed at all. He still smiled at her with the same love and acceptance that met her moments ago.

“I don’t care, Colleen…I told you…there’s nothing that would ever change how I feel about you.”

He leaned over and began to kiss her cheek, his lips savoring the salt of her tears. Gently, his hand turned her face to his and he kissed her once again. As passionate as two lovers can, as gentle and renewing as two souls ever could, they kissed. She was surprised to feel him pull away abruptly. His hands grabbed her left hand. She felt the ring slip on her finger as he said simply,

“Colleen Mary McGuire…would you bless my life and heart and consent to be my wife?”

She held back her tears long enough to say yes as he kissed her again…and again.

The DiMaggio home…

The DiMaggio household was quiet after a few hours of hurried preparation. Joshua finally fell asleep at about midnight, and their work was done finally by three am. A Michael Buble’ CD finished as the couple finally retired for the night.

Andrea lay flat on her back, her robe open to expose her bare breasts. Betty was stroking Andrea's shaft softly while cooing in her ear. They had contemplated a full change some time ago, but while Betty loved her wife's femme persona, she still enjoyed the part of Andrea that remained decidedly male.

"Mmmm....that's nice,"

Andrea said as her lover's kisses caressed her neck. She never got tired of cuddling and the sweet soft caress of her wife's lips brushing against her ear lobe.

"Have I told you lately just how much I love you, my dear?"

Betty said as she moved her attention to her lover's breasts. She brushed her teeth against Andrea's nipples, causing her to arch her back in response, as if to move closer to Betty's lips. Betty continued to move down, kissing her lover's navel. She pushed Andrea to one side and began to kiss the outside of her thighs and rear, causing more cooing and a soft moan to escape from Andrea's lips.

Andrea put her hand on her wife's cheek, caressing it softly and she sat up, gathering her wife in her arms. She kissed Betty; first on the forehead. She turned her attention to Betty's eyes, where her lips caressed Betty's lashes. She kissed her on the corner of her eye, almost tickling her. The bridge of the nose gained special attention, as Andrea kissed her wife softly and gently. She finally turned her attention to Betty's inviting lips. Passionately, almost forcefully, she massaged her wife's lips with her own, while her hands sought comfort in the warmth of Betty's breasts.

Their tongues danced together, pushing, biting, playfully nibbling on each other's lips. Betty mounted her lover, settling down carefully, almost gently...not in a hurry, but to unite as one. No music was heard, but a symphony played nonetheless. Their ebb and flow was like the melody and harmony of a fine sweet ballad. Slowly, their movements became as one...tender yet powerful; sweet and almost aggressive at the same time. Point to counterpoint; each movement bringing the two closer, physically, their souls and spirits uniting as well, until the crescendo. Not loud and brash like cymbals, but sweet and comforting and warm, cello to violin in a blend of forte and piano. The denouement was just as wonderful; tender caress after sweet tender caress, embracing each like they wanted the moment to never end...

Betty sighed, while tears came to her eyes.

“I just love you so much…you’re such a blessing to me…I don’t deserve you.” Betty still struggled with issues of guilt and shame…she and Andrea were both victims…no…survivors of sexual abuse as children, and both fought every day to overcome the burden of self-doubt.

“It anyone deserves me…I suppose it would be you, “Andrea teased as she nibbled once again on her wife’s neck. “I’m not sure how much of a blessing I am to you, but I love you more than my own life, honey…please don’t put yourself down…you have been everything I could ever have hoped for…everything that my heart has longed for since I can remember. If anyone is blessed, it’s me, but I suspect God gave us each other for a reason…we fit…we suit each other…”

Andrea’s voice trailed off as she moved her way down to kiss Betty’s breasts. Softly, almost tentatively, she caressed each nipple with her tongue, but just hard enough not to tickle. Betty felt a strange sensation and she realized Andrea’s tears were rolling down her side, almost anointing their tender moment.

Andrea moved further down, using her tongue to softly caress Betty’s clit…slowly, very tenderly and without hurry…Betty grabbed Andrea’s hair and pushed her fingers through it. Andrea moved her attention momentarily to Betty’s thighs, where she kissed and bit ever so slightly before returning her attention to Betty’s clit once again. Her tongue moved in and out of Betty’s vagina slowly... methodically and she once again licked, quicker but not fast at all. Betty’s own back arched to greet the movement, and she began to cry, ever so softly. The nervous tension of the day was playing out even as it was being relieved by her lover’s attention to her soft welcoming mound….moments later she climaxed, weeping and laughing almost together. Her sobs were met with her lover’s own weeping as she collapsed in Betty’s arms, filled with love and compassion for her wife.

They lay side by side. Andrea held Betty in her arms as they started to drift off to a nice slumber before the night would quickly end. Their two cats, Daniel and Henrietta, had both settled down at the foot of the bed, almost spooning as well, purring quietly.

“Merry Christmas my sweet darling wife,” Andrea said quietly.

“Merry Christmas to you too…I love you”

A soft knock came at the door. Betty sat up and noticed the light streaming through the bedroom window.

A little voice accompanied another knock on the door

“Momma Betty…Momma ‘drea…Santa been here…come see.”

It's not hard to find a place that bears my name.
So I learned to leave every door unopened,
Certain all I'd find was just more of the same.

I just lived my life,
Turned days to night,
But I didn't count on you.

A few months later at the McGuire house in Austin Texas…

"Honey, it's almost time, are you ready?" Colleen sat on the divan as her sister Dana combed her hair.

"She's been ready all her life, Mom." Dana shook her head slightly in almost sweet disbelief.

"My girls... I never thought I'd live to see this day...I only wish your Dad had lived long enough to see his children grown up and married." She was going to add grandchildren to the blessing, but thought better. She remembered the events of the last two weeks.

On an Interstate Highway outside Providence

"What do you mean, you can't marry me?" Bobby was too shocked to say anything else. He could hear Colleen crying on the other end of the line over the sound of cars passing him on the highway. He tapped the receiver in his ear wondering if his phone was malfunctioning.

"I just can't...We should never have started this in the first place. I was a fool to think this would work. I'm sssso sssorryyyy."

On the list of hearts that have been broken,
It's not hard to find a place that bears my name.
So I learned to leave every door unopened,
Certain all I'd find was just more of the same.

Her weeping was quickly followed by the dial tone as she hung up.

Bobby Esposito was used to disappointment and pain in his life; his own childhood was a sad but intense testimony to the triumph of the human soul. This was different. A man who had steeled himself against the storms of life for years; a reluctant confederate in his parent's twisted treatment of his siblings, he had sought and received forgiveness from his sisters. Bobby had frequently fought the urge to give into self-condemnation, and had finally reached an awkward and tentative peace with himself.

This was different. After years of emotional paralysis, his soul had begun to move forward by the infusion of joy and grace in the form of Colleen Mary McGuire. She had brought him out of his misery and discontent with her spirt and serenity. How she’d arrived at such discord so soon before the wedding was so shocking that Bobby didn’t realize how hard he was crying until he nearly drove off the road.

Bobby rushed over to his sister’s where he was greeted by the members of the “House of Women,” as he had nick-named their home. Lainey and April were home watching a DVD with the kids. Terri and Joey had just gotten back from shopping and Joey was getting dinner ready.

“What did she say? This isn’t anything like her.” April sat on the couch opposite Bobby. She had only known her brother in law a year, and yet she felt a connection with him. With no siblings of her own, it felt good to have a ‘big brother.”

“I bet I know…” The smallest voice among them, at least among the adults, spoke up. Lainey half-smiled and shook her head.

“There’s a girl in my support group who I think is going through the same thing Connie might be going through….” She paused, almost as if she were asking a trivia question.

“She can’t have kids…” She looked into the kitchen and saw Joey nod in agreement.

“We can’t HAVE kids.” Lainey was unique in the mix in that she had chosen to forgoe any surgery or other medical intervention, and had “fathered’ the couple’s two daughters. But there was a longing that even she had expressed to April and that all the women had talked about; desire to bear children. Terri and Joey had “saved for a rainy day,” and were hoping for the resources to eventually try in vitro fertilization.

“I think you’re right, Lainey.” Terri said as she walked in from the kitchen. “It’s a really painful issue; we’ve talked about it a lot ourselves." Joey nodded and smiled at her wife.

“See, that’s the thing, I told her it’s okay if we don’t have kids. I would have thought that would have settled it.” Bobby shook his head.

“Maybe it settled it for you, but it will never be settled for her. You’ve got to look at it from more than one angle here, Bob.” April said. “She’s a t-girl, so of course the issue of guilt is going to come up.

“Guilt? I don’t understand, what did she do wrong?”

“She was not careful enough to be born in the right body; at least that’s how her thinking will play out. She’ll feel like somehow it’s her fault that she doesn’t have the ability to bear children.” April said as she got up. She tossled Bobby’s hair before walking into the kitchen.

“But we talked about this. I told her I didn’t care.”

“Oops…not a good idea.” Terri said. “Remember when you were little? When someone said ‘I don’t care,’ what did you think?” Lainey stuck her hand up like it was Mrs. O’Hearn’s fourth grade class.

“You really thought they didn’t care…like it wasn’t important,” she said. “How do you think Colleen feels?

“I’m not sure, but I’m not going to wait to find out. I’ll see you guys later.” Bobby said as he hurried out the door.

Colleen's apartment a little while later...

Colleen got up from the couch, already in her pajamas and robe. Her eyes were red and her face was puffy. She walked to the door and answered it. Bobbie stood in the doorway. His eyes were filled with tears and he turned his head sideways, looking for courage.

“Bobby…no…I told you I can’t do this.” She went to push the door closed, but his foot kept that from happening.

“Colleen…hear me out…let me say what I have to say, and then if you want to end this, I’ll …well, let me speak and then you can decide.” He leaned on the door frame and shook his head, hoping she’d listen.

She opened the door wider and he walked in. He was tempted to pull her close and kiss her, but he wanted his intentions to be clear. He loved her and her needs were important and real.

“I need to know something.” He said softly, his hand touching her arm.

“Do you love me?” He was positive that she did, but he needed her to say it. She needed it to come from her own mouth.

“More than anything…that’s why I can’t marry you.”

“I know. You don’t want to disappoint me, it that right.” His tone was soft and quiet; he didn’t want to demand anything of her and hoped that his question would help her express her feelings. Her eyes widened in recognition as she blinked back more tears.

“Yyyyes. I don’t want you hurt…you can’t marry me because I’m not good enough for you.

Again, where some might have raised their voice in frustration, he repeated softly,

“Not good enough…is that how you feel?” He smiled softly at her and continued.

“Colleen…if anything, I’m not good enough for you. You’re marrying damaged goods…I still am in recovery from my past. You’re the one who could be disappointed, but I’ll not say that. I’m strong enough to know that’s not really true for me and you need to know now it’s not true for you.

“But…but you …you need a real woman… a woman who…” She couldn’t finish and began to cry in earnest, unable to stop the flow of tears.

For so long there was no hope to believe in,
Washed away with every tear I cried.
But now my dreams are wide awake and breathing,
And I'm letting out all that I held inside.

“I have all the woman I need in you; you’re real and alive and a joy and a blessing.” He smiled at her and pulled her softly to him. He placed his hands on her shoulders and looked into her eyes.

“I know we both want kids; I know it hurts so badly for you that you can’t bear children. It makes me sad that you are hurt, but I’m not disappointed at all in you. The children you might have borne if things were different are dreams we’ll never realize. But the best dream is coming true for both of us; we have each other, and our love.”

Colleen collapsed in his arms and wept. Her shoulders convulsed as she let go of years of shame and frustration. After several minutes her shaking subsided and her arms squeezed his torso and she put her head on his chest.

I just lived my life,
Turned days to night,
But I didn't count on you.

“I need to ask one more question; it’s something we’ve discussed before, but it bears repeating, okay?” She raised her head and looked into his eyes and nodded.

“Colleen Mary McGuire…will you be my wife?” He smiled and she nodded and said softly,

“Yes.”

In the present back at the McGuire house…

Theresa McGuire absentmindedly played with her daughter’s hair as the photographer set up the camera for the last shoot. Just a few more pictures and then it was off to the church. She kissed Colleen’s cheek and her tears rolled down her daughter’s face.

“What’s wrong, Mom? “ Colleen turned back and saw her mother’s eyes were filled with tears.

“I miss your Dad so much, you know?” She choked back a sob. Dana squeezed her mother's hand and Colleen put her head on her mother's arm.

“Me too, mom. It would have been so good…so wonderful.” She sniffled and grabbed a hankie from her sleeve and wiped her nose.

“I remember the day he told me…the day he let go. I was home for the day. The first day I had ever dressed at the house. Daddy was out with his friends at the game. I figured I had about five hours of Colleen time when the door opened up and he was there…staring at me.

“’Franky,’ he said to me…and he sounded all stern. ‘We need to talk.’” Colleen looked at her mother again and was greeted with a tearful smile.

“Not exactly what you expected?” Theresa asked.

“Especially since you were wearing a calf length denim skirt and a peasant blouse." Dana laughed softly.

"My hair was still short and I was so afraid he was going to call me names.” Colleen sniffled again, more out of a sense of guilt. Francis McGuire Senior may have been strict, but he was always kind and fair.

“He put his hand on…on my shoulder and said, ‘Junior… I need to know that you’re absolutely sure about this. Is this what you really want?’ He looked me in the eye, and it was the first time I ever saw Daddy cry.’” She wiped her nose again.

“I told him it wasn’t just what I wanted…it was what I needed. And that I needed him to accept that…to accept me. You remember what I told…what …I told you hhheee ssaid?” Colleen started to choke up. She regrouped and finished.

“’Just one question then, kiddo. What do I call you?’ He said…then he said…, ‘How about Colleen, after your grandmom?’ He knew, Mom…he knew. And he still loved me.”

“Yes he did, honey, more than life itself.”

In a suite in a hotel in Kingston, Jamaica…

The afternnoon and the day and the evening and the night were a whirlwind of emotion for the couple, but especially for Colleen. She lay in bed as Bobby slept soundly. His broad shoulders accomodated her loving hands and she clung to him, wishing that the moment wouldn’t end. Truth be told, moments like this would likely bless them for years to come. She kissed his cheek and sat up in bed. Reaching over to the nightstand, she pulled an envelope from her purse; her mother had handed it to her as they left the reception. Opening it, she found the note inside was written in ink in a vaguely familiar handwriting. She unfolded the paper and read,

Dear Colleen,
If you’re reading this, it’s your honeymoon night. And I’m gone. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be there to see you on your special day. I’m so happy for you for this day; I know that you’ve found someone who cares for you and believes with all his heart that you’re the best thing ever to happen to him. Give him a hug for me, okay?

In days of old fathers would send their sons off to war. In a way, I think I sent my child off to war, you know, but the battles you have already fought are much harder, since the gains are small and not easy to see. You fought against ignorance and prejudice, and you’re on the winning side, even if you haven’t seen all of the victories yet. I’m proud of you. I have to say this in my own way; I hope you don’t mind, but it’s really how I figure out things, okay?

When you told me you were a girl, I didn’t know what to think or feel. In time, you know I began to think that if that’s what you want, okay, you’re my child. But I didn’t know how I felt until I started to write this letter. You were a great son; and I mean that even as I now understand that you were my daughter all along. But I didn’t feel comfortable or confident about my feelings; you still were somehow my little boy transformed, like I think some folks understand it.

But remembering you for the time we had, I came to realize just what a precious daughter I actually have. You’ve been such a joy to watch as you learn about yourself. When you left for college, it wasn’t a man I was sending off to learn new things about the world, but a beautiful young woman. Instead of wondering about field goal in the last second, I got to seen the winning goal in a soccer tournament. Instead of a career in accounting like your dad, I found pride in knowing that some little kid would know that it’s okay to be scared; that you’d be right by their side and helping them get better inside.

You’ve done both of us proud, dear child. I never imagined I could change enough inside to learn new things about myself and God. Praying about you was the best thing I ever did for all of us; finally knowing that you aren’t odd or a fluke, but a woman in every way because God created you to be a woman; it makes me wonder and marvel at the way things turn out. You know? The little boy who has a heart fixed even as he’s in his mother’s womb, or a little girl who is pretty because some doctor fixed her lip when she was small? And the doctor that helped your body match with your heart and soul?

Anyway, I can almost see your tears, dear child. Imagine I’m kissing them away. Know that I love you with a love that surpasses anything that could happen to either of us, okay? You’re my baby…my precious gift. It may have taken a few years to realize, but you know that I love you. And now you know I still do, even moreso if that were possible. Like I said, give Prince Charming a hug for me. And give your mom a hug and a kiss for me. Tell her that I love her but that there’s no hurry to join me; we’ve all the time in the world, okay? Love, Dad.

Colleen put the letter down gently and lay back and held Bobby as she wept.

“Ho..Honey…wh..what’s wrong? Is something wrong?” Bobby said as he woke at the sound of her crying.

“Nothing…nothing Bobby…Nothing at all.” She said as she wiped her face with her arm.

“This is the best day of my life, and I couldn’t be happier. I love you.”

“I love you, too,” he said as he turned over.

“It’s the best day of my life, too. I love you so much, Mrs. Esposito.”

“Thank you, Mr. Esposito,” she said and pulled him into her.

“Thank you.”

Now my fear of falling,
Is nowhere in me calling,
Telling me to run while I still can.
Holding nothing back now,
Seems I have at last found,
Love that makes me want to give you all I am.

The End - for the time being!

The Valley Song
written by
Aaron Sands, Charlie Lowell, Dan Haseltine,
Matt Odmark, & Stephen Mason)
as performed by
Jars of Clay
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvHMjILrSJ0

All Love Can Be
From the Motion Picture
A Beautiful Mind
Words and Music by
Will Jennings and James Horner
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rbNlyG97xlA

Happy Christmas (War is Over)
Words and Music by John Lennon
as sung by Rebecca St.James
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtRr4PqaQM0

Fear of Falling
Words and music by
Richard Marx
as Performed by Katherine Jenkins
and Charlotte Church
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gN29MaPI3qY