'So this guy walks into this bar…’

By Trashy Trisha

Author’s Note: My apologies to all but I couldn’t resist!!!

So this gentleman walks into a cabaret. He’s gorgeous and extremely well dressed. He literally reeks of money. Walking over to the bar, he looks around at the surroundings. Everywhere his eyes travel he sees beautiful T.V.’s, T.S’s, C.D.’s, and D.V.D.’s. The barman walks over to him and asks if he’d like a drink.

“Sure. In fact, I’d like to buy all of these lovely ladies a drink as well.”

A thunderous chorus of ‘thank you’s rang out and air kisses abounded as if it might have been L.A. or even Encino. This story, in fact, takes place in a wondrous mystical city of Detroit. So the barman proceeds to pour all the ladies a drink to their tastes. As soon as they are all set up, AND before he can propose a toast of sorts, a little person (dwarf, midget, and shrimpy are politically not correct and I certainly wouldn’t want to offend) appears from out of thin air, runs up and down the bar, and knocks every single drink over!

“Don’t worry about him. Set them all up again!”

The barman looks at the gentlman for a moment eyeing his clothes, his extremely meticulous grooming and decides to do as asked. He begins to set the drinks all up again. BUT!!! The moment he does so, the little person appears again and once again knocks them all down.

“Don’t worry about him.” The gentleman says with a smile. “Set them all up again.”

The barman now eyes the gentleman quite suspiciously.

“Listen!” He said with some small degree of anger. “I don’t mind doing this all night but who’s going to pay for all of this?”

“Have no fear!” The gentleman laughs.

The gentleman pulls a HUGE wad of hundred dollar bills out of his pocket (the ‘ladies’ simply thought he was glad to see them) and peels off twenty of them. The barman’s eyes light up with glee as he removes them and once again begins pouring out the drinks.

The moment he’s finished, AND, much to the chagrin of all present, the wicked little person (and this is NOT to imply that ALL little people are wicked) appears and runs along the bar knocking over every single drink!

Well, the barman had more than enough. Quite angrily he throws down his bar towel and asks in a loud gruff voice:

“Okay, that’s it! I’ve had it! What is the story! What the hell is going on with this little person?”

“Well, I was walking along the beach one day and I found this brass oil lamp at the water’s edge. I tried to clean it up a bit when suddenly a genie appeared. The genie said that I would be granted three wishes because I freed him from his brass prison. My first wish was unlimited wealth and ‘poof’; I was rich.”

“Okay, so what was the second wish?”

“I said that I wanted to be surrounded with very salty Bettys (great looking ladies). Now, aren’t these ‘ladies’ all gorgeous?”

The barman looked along the bar as the ladies glared back at him quite intently. The barman, looking at them and thinking of his pocket, had little choice but to agree.

“Yeah, I guess you got that one.”

“Wait!!!” He said turning to the blond on his left. “What is your name dear?”

“My name is Bess.” She answered very demurely. He turned to his right and asked the same question of the beautiful brunette.

“Oh, my name is Liz.” She said with a coy smile, eyes down cast. The gentleman again inquired the name of the woman standing directly behind him.

“My name is Elsie.” She spoke with a throatiness that smoldered and a smile that blinded.

“And you?” He pointed to the red head next to Liz.

“Beth.” She responded breathlessly. Turning back the other way he pointed to another blond.

“Oh, my name is Ramona.” Wouldn’t you know it! There’s one in every group!

As the gentleman pointed to his left and his right, all the lovely respondents gave their names and, except for Rrrramona, all the names were variants of Elizabeth! Betty is also a variant of Elizabeth! Explaining this to the barman, the gentleman then said;

“Wait! This gets better!” He rolled up his sleeve. “Lick my arm.”

The barman looked at him quite askance.

“No way! That’s very gay!”

There suddenly was dead silence in the entire cabaret. Everyone glared at the barman and one could feel the animosity begin to arise. But the gentleman kept his cool.

“To paraphrase Rene Voltaire; once experimentation, twice pervesion.” And he held his wrist out again.

The barman, mulling over what the gentleman said, and thinking of his gratuity bucket, licked the gentleman’s wrist.

“What do you taste?” Inquired the gentleman eagerly.

“Nothing.” Replied the barman.

“Now lick Bess’s wrist.” The barman licked her wrist.

“What do you taste?”

“Salt?” The barman’s eyes bulged as he licked his lips.

“And taste Liz.” The barman complied.

“I would prefer that a bit lower dear.” Liz said with a wicked smile.

“Salt again!” The barman was quite surprised.

“Indeed! They all will taste like that.” The gentleman thought for a moment. “Except maybe Ramona. There is one in every group you know.”

“So you got your second wish. What was you third wish?”

“Well, I asked for a twelve inch prick!” The little person appeared on the gentleman’s shoulder. “And here he is!”