Angela's Thoughts

 © August 2007 Janet Harris

This was going to be "The thoughts of a brain-transplant donor" but then I began to think of myself entirely as the recipient, so chose the shorter title above. I mean, I only vaguely remember being Roger and it seems a long time ago now. I can hardly believe that this new brain I have lived 55 years as Roger, since I look and feel in every way only 20 years old. The only reminder of my strange past is being unable to remember any life as a little girl.

I'll tell you a secret that I haven't told anyone before, in either life. Roger used to fantasize about becoming female. He wasn't a transsexual, being completely fulfilled as a male, or a transvestite (except for rare early experiments) but he was very curious about the essence of femininity. I think he was in the majority of males in this. They idolise females so much that the desire to be close to them, indeed inside them, can easily extend into a desire to actually become female.

For Roger, this fantasy had to be "pure", untainted by the problems of physical transsexual conversion. Thus dreaming or magic (imaginary of course) seemed the only sensible methods. He read avidly many stories of these transformations and derived even better excitement from writing them. He followed the development of brain-transplant surgery with interest but at first dismissed it as a practical way to realise his fantasy. It was only when it was suggested as a cure for his lung cancer that he accepted its potential and welcomed the news of a female recipient.

So, I feel 100% female now. I know this foreign brain (I have to keep taking anti-rejection pills) is all made with Y-chromosomes, but it has been steeped in oestrogens for over three months now and I'm sure I haven't had a single male thought since the first week. I decided immediately to always refer to Roger in the third person and to my previous brain (destroyed by cancer) as "the old Angela". Several times I've thought about taking a new female name but it would not only be inconvenient for my career but I feel it would somehow be letting the old Angela down. I'm immensely grateful to her and her family for this lovely body I now possess.

Writing this is one of the few things which remind me of my past. Usually I can just forget about it and get on with my life. I mean, I have to think about it to feel the bra-straps on my shoulders and my sensitive breasts filling the cups. I'm typing this sitting on my vagina, but I don't remember Roger's penis feeling any different, though, when I think of it, I can feel my tampon string because I'm starting my second period. Roger's penis would be swelling at these thoughts and I suppose they're exciting me a little and I just feel a bit warm down there.

I must stop just writing about myself. Roger left a loving wife, children and grandchildren. It still hurts a lot to talk about them so I may tell you more later, but no promises. The old Angela's parents and brother do not wish to meet me and I respect that a lot. Legally, I'm an adult and don't really need foster-parents but Gerard, who was an old friend of Roger, and his wife Vanessa agreed to fill that role because I felt so lost and alone at first. I asked them to treat me like a daughter and it's really nice. Gerard won't let me call him Daddy but Vanessa is honoured to be called Mum.

I got into college as soon as I could to study computer administration. I had thought I would want a completely different career from Roger but found that intellectual exercise was what I missed most in my convalescence and old ideas kept going around in my head. I don't think the advantage I have of 30 years computer experience is all that unfair! At college I often have to pretend ignorance, but I must get genuine new qualifications before I can get as creative as Roger was. At least I have lots of time for badminton and tennis which I love, though Roger never did.

Anyway, college is how I've met lots of people who don't know my past so treat me as an ordinary young woman. I've had no trouble at all in being attracted to (and enjoying being attractive to) men, nor in making friends with other girls with no sexual interest. It's great to be young and single again in some ways, though I remember Roger's marriage well and look forward to attaining such security again one day. Having said that, I have to admit sleeping with the same boy three times so far, though I won't call him my boyfriend until he shows more commitment.

So I'd better tell you about my friends; women first, that's less embarrassing. At my 20th birthday party Gerard introduced me to Judy, the only other female recipient so far. Her donor was also female though, so she was a bit wary of me at first. It was when we discovered that we'd both kept our new bodies' names that we began to get close. She had been really determined to resume her brain's old career after the operation. Since there was only a 10 year age difference, she could easily have gotten away with it, using disguise, but, like me, she discovered complete emotional identity with her new body and changed her mind. She has got to know her body's husband and family and settled with them. In some ways I envy her that but I've seen her have a lot of grief through it so I'm glad I'm just fostered and single.

I started with Judy because we have a special bond through our common experience of the operation, but her body is 32 and her brain 43 so we have little else in common. At college, however, I hang around in a group which at present is five boys and four girls. My three girlfriends are all younger than me, as are two of the boys. They are great for guidance on fashion and things and I can get away with too-mature blunders because I'm a little older than them. I've lied that I grew up on a farm and went to an all-girl boarding school to explain my ignorance in courting the boys. Jenny is my special friend. She had her hair bobbed after I did mine. Chloe and Hannah are good fun too.

My (almost) boyfriend is Greg. I used to find his best friend James much more attractive but I couldn't win him from Chloe and now I'm glad I didn't. Greg is much more interesting to talk to and I really enjoy our dates. Before him, I had a one-night-stand with John, who's no longer in our group but we're still friends with no regrets. Jenny's boyfriend is Martin while Bob, Joe and James are vying for Hannah, who's just revelling in the competition. James got me into tennis while Jenny is my badminton partner, usually against Hannah and Chloe. We've all got roller-blades and go down town to Ivy Square on Saturdays, if it's sunny. I just love being 20 and a student.

Mum and Gerard (I wish he'd let me call him Dad) are really nice with me and won't take any rent for my room so I do lots of chores for them. I should be more lazy at my age but I still feel full of energy in contrast to Roger. Mum has turned me into an accomplished cook already and I try to get most of their meals ready for them. I've got a huge savings account from Roger's estate, even after he ensured his wife and kids got most of it, so I've been able to buy lots of nice clothes. I tell my friends that my farming parents both died in a car crash but I hate lying all the time. Of course I miss Roger's family and I'm always tempted to contact them but I know the time may never be right for that. Judy feels the same about her brain's family.

Now I've got to tell you about the sex. Roger was always told by women that men only thought of one thing. Now I know that was the pot calling the kettle black, at least speaking for myself and my girlfriends. I've heard that the biggest sex organ in the body is the brain. Having had a great big male one shoved into my petite female skull, I'm amazed how completely female I seem to think and how coordinated it seems to be with my other equipment. I thought I'd have problems moving my attention from women to men but I found myself almost drooling over handsome men even on my first day as a woman. I also love to see them notice me. I'm especially proud of my legs and Mum teases me that I only choose sports that I can wear mini-skirts for.

My first lover, John, was really good in bed. He took great care to build me up slowly and that care in itself turned me on a lot. Of course I wasn't physically a virgin but mentally it was all new to me. I knew roughly what to expect, having masturbated, and was very pleasantly surprised. However, we both felt a bit embarrassed afterwards and agreed that we "might" meet again some day, knowing that friendship simply wasn't there. It gave my confidence a huge boost, though.

Greg is also a great lover. The best bit is that we can talk to each other about anything. If we start agreeing on something, we find ourselves moving closer together and usually end up kissing. It is only really the lack of opportunity that has limited our sex. He lives with his parents as well. He doesn't have funds like I have to get his own place and I'm reluctant to set up on my own. Also, he keeps teasing me that he has other women in tow, though it's been easy for me to check through my girlfriends and others that it simply isn't true. I think he's just a bit scared of getting into a relationship and, frankly, so am I. We get on wonderfully together, though.

Well, as you've maybe guessed, my shrink told me to write this. She got quite cross when she discovered I'd written "A Different Convalescence" - I should have known that she'd have lots of patients who read those websites. Now she's come around to thinking that it's "therapeutic" for me. If that means getting turned on, I have to say that Roger would have been much more excited than I am. Sure, some things I've written have made me blush, but I think I'd be better off writing a romantic novel for that sort of therapy.