January 15 2001
Ariel handed Rylee a plastic bag the moment they crossed the threshold into Amber’s apartment; Rylee looked at her questioningly.

“Get dressed,” Ariel said, nodding toward the bag. “Your wig is in there, get it on, put some makeup on.”

Rylee still looked at her, and then moved her gaze toward Amber who had stepped from the tiny kitchen, out to the main living area. She was still dressed in her plaid pajama bottoms with a tight blue t-shirt that read ‘Pound Puppies’. Amber crossed her arms, and Ariel gave her a quick glance, nearly shuddering at the ice-cold glare she shot Rylee.

“Get dressed, now,” Ariel said firmly. Amber looked on, the glare still set firmly across her unsympathetic face. “I don’t want to talk to Ryan, I want to talk to Rylee, so go be Rylee.”

“You should really do what she says,” Amber’s voice was stiff, her statement short; she was keeping a lid on her anger, but just barely. Rylee scurried off toward the bathroom, the bag of clothes in her arms.

“Out here,” Ariel snapped, stopping Rylee dead in her tracks. “We’re all girls here, come on.”

Ariel crossed her arms, mirroring Amber as she glared daggers at Rylee who consequently turned three shades of white before nodding and stepping toward the center of the living room. The two of them waited less than patiently as Rylee shrugged out of her baggy male clothes – a pair of worn-out blue jeans and a red tee – and into the contents of the bag which consisted of an orange sundress with ties in the back that dropped down to just above her knees, and a thin black cardigan which she quickly pulled over her arms. With the wig in place and rudimentary makeup applied, Ariel ordered her to place her male clothes in the bag and hand them to her. Rylee obeyed and looked nervously toward Amber, who had up to this point remained silent.

“Give it to me,” Amber said, reaching around Rylee and snatching the bag out of her hand. Amber watched her walk toward the kitchen, a cabinet slammed, and then Amber returned, taking up her position behind Rylee. She cleared her throat and then spoke as evenly as she could probably manage. “Let’s get to it.”

Ariel paused for a moment and then gestured to the dark-green sofa, giving Rylee a non-verbal instruction to sit. Rylee looked at her with both confusion and fear set into her expression, but she moved toward the couch, smoothing out the skirt of her sundress as she took a seat. As Rylee sat, Ariel reached into her pocket and withdrew a piece of crumpled looseleaf paper; she maintained eye contact with Rylee as she unfolded it. Rylee still looked to her, questioningly, and then, little by little as Ariel spoke, her resolve and complacency began to crumble.

“This is a note,” Ariel informed her. “That you wrote to Amber’s sister.”

“Amanda,” Amber said quickly. “Let’s use her name.”

“Amanda,” Ariel said, nodding in agreement. With each word, she witnessed her sister’s face falling until her eyes seemed to focus on her knees. Ariel commanded her to look up, which Rylee managed to do with great difficulty. “Do you know what this note says?”

Rylee nodded, her lips slightly parted, her body trembling as Ariel smoothed out the paper to make it more legible. She gave the note a quick scan and then looked up, meeting Rylee’s eyes again as she bit her lower lip and then looked to Amber who gave her a harsh, prodding look in return.

“Where did you hear this shit?” Ariel demanded. “I know it wasn’t from mom and dad, and it wasn’t from some TV show; I know what they let you watch.”

“I…um…” Rylee’s words were shaky, her body was tensing up, and her head began to shake from side to side. “I…I-”

“Look at you!” Amber suddenly stepped forward, her words like a blunt instrument, slamming into Rylee. Ariel watched as a tear formed in the corner of her sister’s eye and slid down her cheek. “You’re over there shaking! You know it was wrong! You knew it was wrong!”

“Do you have anything to say?” Ariel asked her, giving Amber a glance of warning as she waited for Rylee’s response. “Rylee?”

“I’m sorry,” Rylee said at nearly a whisper, her eyes dropping again.

“Look at me,” Ariel instructed, handing Rylee the note as she did. “Keep your eyes on me, and read that note out loud.”

Rylee’s trembling became even more apparent; her hands clenched the paper, nearly tearing it in half as she looked from it, back to Ariel, and carefully avoided glancing in Amber’s direction.

“You scared, Rylee?” Amber demanded, stepping closer. “You fucking should be.”

“Everything you said to her in that note,” Ariel said pointedly. “You’re going to say to me, your sister, and mean it.”

“I…I can’t,” Tears streamed down Rylee’s face as she looked away, squeezing her eyes shut and whimpering. “You’re my sister!” Her voice cracked on the last word.

“Amanda is my sister,” Amber said angrily. “She’s been nothing but kind to you, even before you knew she knew about you, and you do this?”

“Here’s what’s going to happen,” Ariel asserted. “Rylee, you’re going to rewrite that note, as many times as it takes to fill a one subject notebook-”

“And you only took up half the page,” Amber reminded her. “So write it twice per page.”

“And when you’re finished, I’ll let you stand up and say it to my face,” Ariel gritted her teeth and focused a great deal of her energy on not screaming at Rylee.

“This isn’t fair!” Rylee suddenly exclaimed. “You’re not mom and dad, you can’t punish me!”

“Do you want mom and dad to punish you?” Ariel raised an eyebrow. “If you think that’d be better then be my guest, but you’re going home in that dress.”

“Nooo!” Rylee moaned, shaking her head violently from side to side. “I’ll do it! I’ll read it!”

“Write it first,” Ariel nodded to Amber, who came forward with a dark green, college ruled notebook and dropped it on the coffee table in front of Rylee. “Absorb every single word. I want you to understand what you said.”

Rylee nodded tearfully as Ariel dropped the scrawled note on the coffee table for Rylee to copy off of. Then, quietly, she stepped back, observing as Rylee sobbed quietly and began to copy the note, word for word, line by line into the single-subject notebook.

Amber waved Ariel over toward the kitchen, immediately pressing the ‘vent’ button on the exhaust overhead. The hum of the fan filled the kitchen, and Amber handed Ariel a can of Pepsi from the fridge. Ariel leaned against the counter, her finger on the silver tab of the can as she focused momentarily on the floor, and then slowly looked up at Amber who stared daggers into her soul, subtly shaking her head.

“Enough?” Ariel asked nodding toward Rylee over on the couch.

“Not even close,” Amber nearly growled. “That’s my sister.”

“Yeah I know,” Ariel nodded, staring back at her just as intently. “She won’t tell my parents, right?”

“You know she has to be punished, right?” Amber’s tone had a severe edge to it; she gripped her own soda can, turning it over in her hands and maintained eye contact with Ariel.

“We’re punishing her now,” Ariel said simply, popping the can’s tab with minimal effort.

“It’s not enough,” Amber replied.

“Then we’ll do more. I’ll ground her,” Ariel shrugged. “I’ll make her stay with me every waking moment when mom and dad aren’t around.”

“You really think she’ll listen to you?”

“She won’t like the alternative,” Ariel looked over at Rylee who was now shaking, struggling to keep her pencil against the paper. “Look, I know this is a lot but-”

“Don’t treat me like an idiot,” Amber snapped. “I know what’s at stake here.”

“Okay but she’s-”

“Your dirty little secret,” Amber snapped, then looked over her shoulder to make sure that Rylee hadn’t heard. “Your little sister needs to behave before she starts affecting everyone around her. Hell, Ariel, she already is affecting people. You wanted to go to college, she put a stop to that, didn’t she? Now she’s sexually harassing my sister! What do you plan to do about that?”

“If it happens again, we’ll have Hayley talk to her. For now…this should be enough,” Ariel said, resolved. Amber shook her head.

“Hayley’s on vacation.”

“Yeah, people come back from vacation,” Ariel pointed out. “Look, Amber, it’s hard for me too, I’m learning as I go.”

“Better learn fast,” Amber shook her head and glared first at Ariel, then at Rylee who seemed to have all but forgotten them. “If this happens again-”

“It won’t,” Ariel insisted.

“And if it does?”

“It won’t.”

Amber opened her mouth to speak again; Ariel ignored her walking along the counter to exit the kitchenette and took a sharp right turn into the living room. She sat on the seat across from Rylee and roughly pulled the pen from her grasp. Rylee looked up at her with red, swollen eyes, lips trembling as she tried to work up the courage to speak.

“Read it to me,” Ariel gestured toward the paper. “And say it to me, your sister, like you mean it.”

Rylee shook her head, trembling harder. Ariel locked eyes with her, holding her gaze for more than a minute before speaking again.

“Couple things you need to know, Rylee,” Ariel said. “You’re not a man. Men write this kind of shit. And women? They can be the most cutthroat bitches you’ve ever met but when push comes to shove, we’re there for eachother. You get what I’m saying?”

Rylee nodded slowly, eyes aimed at the coffee table; a few stray tears splashed against the wood. Ariel threw a sidelong glance at Amber who stood off to the side, arms crossed, expression stern. Ariel closed her eyes and let out a sigh that heavily paralleled the sound of a deflating balloon. She pursed her lips and finally leaned forward, taking Rylee’s hand. She gripped it tight, placing her other hand beneath Rylee’s chin, pressing upward and forcing her to meet her eyes. Ariel watched her silently for a moment, then squeezed her hand and spoke as Amber looked on.

“You’re in trouble, Rylee, but not the kind of trouble you’d get in with mom and dad-”

“Bigger trouble,” Amber remarked, drawing a quick, emotionless glance from Ariel.

“Big sister trouble is way worse, but it’s not going to be all bad.”

“I…it isn’t?” Rylee frowned.

“We’ll start with the basics, and go from there,” Ariel explained. “You’ve been lazy, lately. When you come home from school, in that two hour gap before mom gets home? You’re in my room, you’re dressed as Rylee, and you’re going to be quiet. Do your homework or read.”

“I can do that in my room,” Rylee said quickly, to which Ariel shook her head.

“When we’re alone, your room is off limits. You have everything you need in mine.”

“You’re grounding me?” Rylee frowned.

“You’re lucky I don’t pop you over the head,” Amber snapped. “Take your fucking punishment.”

“Yep, grounded,” Ariel confirmed. “But Rylee-”

Rylee erupted into another sob, looking away from her sister and toward the front window; Ariel tightened her grip on her little sister’s chin and drew her attention back where it belonged.

“Rylee,” Ariel said, more adamantly this time. “You’re a little shit, but you’re also my little sister and I love you. I’m doing this because I love you, even if you don’t understand it. What you are going to understand is that you’re not their daughter. You’re my sister and I say what happens next. Got it?”

“Yeah,” Rylee sniffled, dragging the edge of her free hand across her red and swollen eyes, nodding profusely. “I…I’m sorry, I wish I weren’t so stupid-”

“Stop,” Ariel said sharply, cutting her off. “‘I’m sorry’ is good enough. Any more and you’re using your guilt as a weapon. Understand?”

Rylee shook her head.

“Saying you’re stupid is just asking me to disagree to make you feel better,” Ariel explained. “Focus on what you did, don’t try to draw attention away from it.”

“Called out,” Amber said, tersely.

“We’ll get you straightened out, Rylee,” Ariel assured her, keeping a hold of her hand. “But don’t you ever fucking do this again.”

---

January 16, 2001

“Well, great news,” Ariel waggled the handset of her transparent, acrylic phone at Rylee who sat cross legged on her bed. “Mom’s working late, and Dad’s snowed in.”

“Snowed in?” Rylee frowned, looking up from the bed. She was wearing one of Arie’s older dresses, this time a light blue one with short sleeves, a shallow neckline, and ties in the back. Ariel had put her in a reddish-blonde wig that didn’t quite match her natural hair, and had adorned it with a blue clip-on bow that went with the dress. Rylee shifted uncomfortably and immediately looked down, her eyes focusing on the cover of a ‘Babysitters Club’ book Ariel had handed her to pass the time once her homework was done.

“You know how it goes,” Ariel shrugged and turned away from her desk, sitting sideways in the chair. She crossed her ankles and leaned forward, dropping the handset onto the receiver as she did. folding her hands together, she smiled softly at Rylee. “Dad works in another city, and mom has some parent-teacher meeting. I think she’ll be home around eight, maybe.”

Rylee looked nervously at the digital GE clock beside Ariel’s bed, which glowed ‘4:18’ in a dull green. Mom usually got home by six; Rylee looked over, toward the window and through the cracks in the slatted blind. The bright white of snow was just visible, and the roar of wind drove the point home. She looked sheepishly toward Ariel and pursed her lips before looking down again; Ariel nearly shook her head, still unable to get used to how timid Rylee was in comparison to ‘Ryan’, the male personality that was slowly dying. She fidgeted, rubbing her white stockinged feet against the comforter until she finally worked up the courage to speak again.

“Um…so…if they’re coming home late I-” Rylee began.

“You’re still grounded,” Ariel said quickly, cutting her off. “We’ll make dinner, though.”

“Um…I…was…” Rylee stammered, looking at Ariel and then quickly looking back down at the comforter. “Could I get on the computer?”

“And do what?”

“Um…play a game, maybe?” Rylee began to stiffen, her words less than certain.

“Nah, we’re going to have some quality sister time tonight,” Ariel said, decidedly. “We’ll make dinner, maybe watch a movie, or talk.”

“Talk about what?”

“Why you did what you did,” Ariel suggested, resisting the urge to grin widely as the color drained from Rylee’s face. “Or maybe we could look at apartments. I got an apartment guide; we’re going to look at somewhere farther away.”

“Apartments?” Rylee perked up a little. “Like to…move?”

“Mhm,” Ariel nodded and raised herself slightly so she could turn the chair around to face Rylee. “Once you turn eighteen, we’re getting out of here. I have some money saved up, we’ll get a studio, like Amber’s if we have to.”

“Won’t mom and dad be mad?”

“Probably,” Ariel nodded. “We’ll do it fast though, so they can’t do anything about it. We’ll leave most of your stuff here.”

“Can I bring my books?” Rylee frowned.

“Yeah, some,” Ariel said as reassuringly as she could. “Your interests will probably change though, I think. I don’t know. Maybe you’ll stop reading horror novels and read some romance.”

“Do I have to?” Rylee frowned. “I like my books.”

“You really need to read more girly stuff,” Ariel explained. “I can’t teach you everything, and books are a good way to learn. You really need to read more girl authors.”

“Does…being a girl mean I can’t like boy things?” Rylee frowned again. “I…kind of like some things. Like Star Trek, and um…the computer games I play sometimes?”

“I like Star Trek,” Ariel shrugged. “Do you like the Babysitters Club books?”

Rylee nodded.

“What about the other shows we watch sometimes?” Ariel smiled slightly. “Gilmore Girls? Dawson’s Creek? Roswell?”

“Yeah of course!” Rylee managed a nervous giggle. “Roswell especially! They’re all reruns, though.”

“Yeah, wait till I show you Laguna Beach,” Ariel smirked. “But, do any of your guy friends watch those shows?”

“No,” Rylee frowned. “I wouldn’t even talk to them about those. Like…Devin only wants to watch scifi stuff. I like Battlestar Galactica but…”

“You have really girly interests, little sis,” Ariel smiled again. “And you’re happiest when you’re Rylee, so liking a few scifi shows or whatever isn’t going to change you and it isn’t going to make you a boy.”

“Okay but Hayley says-”

“Hayley’s teaching you to be like her,” Ariel said sharply. “When we move away from here, you need to learn to be you.”

Rylee paused to contemplate that for a moment, shifting into a different position. She stretched her legs out for a moment, then dragged her knees to her chin until Ariel shook her head. Red-faced, Rylee lowered her legs and in compliance with Ariel’s continued stare, she straightened her skirt, pulling the hem of the dress below her knees and using her palms to straighten out the wrinkles. Ariel, in the meantime, rose from the chair and lifted Rylee’s backpack from beside the bed. Rylee watched her as she set it on the bed and unzipped it, scrunching her face as she sifted through the contents.

“This is a mess, Rylee,” Ariel pointed to the backpack. “We’re going to sort this out later.”

“It’s fine, I can find everything in-” Rylee spoke, then fell silent as she saw Ariel’s stern expression.

“Yeah I know, grounded,” Rylee muttered.

“It’s not a punishment, it’s common sense,” Ariel scooped Rylee’s homework off the bed and placed it in the appropriate folder before zipping the backpack and setting it down. “Keep your stuff organized, it’s better for you. You’ll be happier.”

Rylee let out a long exaggerated sigh which was cut short with another look from Ariel and a subtle shake of her head. Rylee fell silent and waited patiently as her sister took the book from the bed and returned it to the squat bookshelf situated beneath her bedroom window. Rylee’s head was on a swivel as Ariel walked back around the bed and picked up a few articles of clothing from the floor, which she tossed into the hamper near her wardrobe. Her eyes met Rylee’s as she continued to tidy up and then looked away for a moment, toward the door. She gestured to Rylee to follow her and they stepped through the doorway, out of the bedroom and into the hallway leading toward the living room.

“We’ll heat up the casserole from last night,” Ariel told her as they plodded along, down the hallway and toward the dining room.

“What if mom comes home?” Rylee asked in a nervous tone as Ariel led her into the kitchen. “I don’t want her to…”

“See you like that?” Ariel glanced back. “She won’t, you’ll be changed long before she comes in here.”

“Maybe I could like…put some pants on?” Rylee suggested, and Ariel could sense the fear in her little sister’s voice. It wasn’t just the embarrassment of being caught, it was something else entirely. Father’s anger, mother’s cruel, calculating punishments, all of it would be magnified ten times over.

“There’s a plan,” Ariel reminded her. “Do you have clothes set out in your room?”

Rylee nodded.

“Pants, underwear, shirt?”

“Yeah,” Rylee nodded again.

“Remember: First thing, you wipe the makeup off. Then you get dressed. Simple, right?” Ariel looked at her, eyes demanding confirmation, which Rylee gave with a terrified nod. “Great, let’s warm up this casserole.”

“I’m not really hungry,” Rylee remarked. Ariel smiled.

“You haven’t eaten all day,” Ariel reminded her. “Nerves or not, you’re going to get something in you.”

“Okay,” Rylee said timidly; she watched Ariel pull the nine by five casserole pan out of the refrigerator, and Rylee helped her scoop it onto two medium sized plates.

“You okay?” Ariel asked what, in hindsight, was probably a stupid question.

“Kinda?” Rylee’s voice trembled a little. “This is all still weird.”

“Weird how?” Ariel moved toward the microwave.

“You’re like a different person,” Rylee explained; Ariel folded her arms and leaned against the counter. “Different from how you were back before…before all of this, you know? We didn’t…really talk before this and I didn’t know you , I don’t think. And now we’re just…together and I’m kind of scared, but I feel safe. That sounds so stupid.”

“It’s called being a younger sister, Rylee. It’s my job to look out for you, even if I have to be a little controlling, understand?” Ariel drew a nod from Rylee and then continued as the microwave whirred behind her. “I know our relationship was kind of rocky at first-”

“Rocky?” Rylee’s eyes widened, one eyebrow raised as she gawked at Ariel.

“Okay, I was kind of a bitch,” Ariel admitted. “But I grew. You need to grow too.”

Rylee groaned, drawing a warm smile from Ariel, who pulled her into a quick hug.

“How long do I have to do what you say?” Rylee asked, her voice nearly a sigh.

“You mean the grounding? Probably a few months,” Ariel shrugged.

“No I mean…”

“Always, Rylee,” Ariel stared at her, dead in the eyes. “Always.”

---

January 19 2001

“What do you mean, Amber?” Ariel demanded, suddenly standing up from the bed where they’d both been sitting. Had she not been so shocked by what she’d heard, she might have clenched her fists, she might have screamed, she might have done anything other than standing there, utterly shocked. “You can’t!”

Amber looked up at her friend with solemn eyes and gave little more than a pathetic shrug of apology as she stood, walking to her bedroom window where a harsh wind pounded the frame. Beyond the glass, snow flakes fell steadily; a winter wonderland forming. Amber looked out the window for a second, and then returned her attention to Ariel.

“It’s her choice,” Amber said softly.

“I’ll talk to her,” Ariel insisted. “She can’t-”

“Your little sister sexually harassed mine,” Amber reminded Ariel. “And look…Ariel…she’s a girl, through and through, don’t misunderstand me, but I…she has to face consequences, you get that, right? She doesn’t get a pass just because-”

“She’s not getting a pass!” Ariel’s voice nearly turned into a shriek before she managed to compose herself and take a breath. She resumed speaking at a much quieter level. “She’s not getting a pass. I grounded her, remember?”

“Grounded,” Amber scoffed. “And what does that mean, coming from you?”

“What is that supposed to mean?” There was a sharp edge to Ariel’s voice as her glare intensified.

“I mean, how can you punish her? What’s going to make her listen to you?”

“She’s listening just fine,” Ariel said as evenly as possible. “Look I-”

“And what’s she going to learn? That if she fucks with people she gets to spend some time with big sister, and then all’s forgiven? Fuck that, Ariel. This is my sister!”

“You know my parents,” Ariel reminded her, her voice barely above a hiss. “You know what they’ll do! What happens if someone talks about her being Rylee?”

Amber fell silent, her eyes shifting to the right as her lips pursed and the room stilled, the argument temporarily quelled. Ariel stared hard at her, her eyes eventually widening. Ariel’s lips parted slightly as the question began to form in her mind. What have you done?

“Amber,” Ariel said, her voice steady. “No one talked, right?”

Silence.

“Amber,” Ariel said again. “Did anyone talk?”

“Mom,” Amber said finally. “Mom…was worried about her.”

“Worried?” Ariel shook her head. “What do you mean worried? What’s there to be worried about?”

“She…she doesn’t really believe in the whole trans thing,” Amber explained. “When Rylee came over, mom was…well she was kind of humoring her. I mean, she thought it was okay for her to play dressup but she doesn’t really believe-”

“What did she do?” Ariel’s voice grew quieter, her expression becoming more stern, almost stone-like.

“She was on the phone with your mom like an hour ago,” Amber said. “I…I don’t know what all she told her, but-”

“You bitch!” Ariel shrieked, taking a deliberate step toward Amber. “You fucking bitch!”

“Ariel I didn’t do it!” Amber took a step back, her hands now in a defensive posture, ready to block a blow if needed. “It was mom-”

“And you didn’t stop her!” Ariel hissed. “You let it happen?!”

“What was I supposed to do?!” Amber suddenly screamed. “How do you want me to stop my mom from making a phone call?!”

“You do whatever it takes! She’s my little sister!” Ariel reminded her. “You…you…you…”

“Amanda’s my little sister,” Amber reminded her, her voice quiet. “We have to protect her too. Or did you forget?”

A flurry of curses, spat from Ariel and deflected by Amber followed as their voices continued to raise. Ariel, in her growing fury finally shoved past Amber, moving toward the bedroom door.

“Where are you going?” Amber demanded as Ariel grasped the brass handle, turning it with a click.

“Where the fuck do you think?” Ariel demanded, turning around to glare at Amber again. “I’m getting my sister the hell out of this place, before Dad kills her!”

“Ariel, you should stay here,” Amber objected. “It-”

“You and me? We’re not friends anymore,” Ariel spat; Amber’s hardened expression drooped, her mouth opened slightly, then closed.

“Ariel, I didn’t do it,” Amber said quietly.

“Yeah? And you didn’t stop it either.”

---

The ride home was a crawl despite how hard she pressed the accelerator. Ariel barely registered the scenery beyond the windshield of the car even as it raced past her in an ethereal blur. Thoughts swirled in her head, and each bump and jostling of the car only served to fuel her rising anger.

Amber had told.

No, Amber’s mom had told. Linda. That fucking bitch!

There were factors at play; Amber’s little sister, did she deserve some justice? Well, yes, Rylee had sent her that disgusting note, or more like shoved it in her locker at school. Ariel shook her head – what did it matter? The car blazed along a backroad; over a low bridge and nearly scraping the guardrail before Ariel adjusted the wheel slightly to the left, skidding over the solid yellow line. She cursed and whitened her knuckles against the wheel as she reminded herself to pay attention. Yes, Rylee was in danger, yes, this was bad, but she couldn’t help anyone if she were stuck in a ditch or even dead before she got there. With that in mind, she eased off the accelerator and watch the speedometer needle drop as she neared the intersection. A quick right turn and she was in the home stretch, and soon enough, she found herself sitting in front of the wrought iron gate. Climbing out of the car, she walked hurriedly to the keypad, tapped in the numbers, and waited as gate slid smoothly to the left.

“Please don’t be home,” Ariel muttered, switching off the ignition and stepping out of the car. Of course Rylee would be home, it was a Friday night. Where else would she be? That was a whole other thing, wasn’t it? Rylee. Up until this point, only a few people knew that Rylee even existed and that was what allowed her to exist. He would take it from her. Both of them. In this world, you are who you are, until someone makes you become something else, and Ariel realized with a sinking feeling that mom and dad would extract it from her, rip it away, force her to be Ryan. She wasn’t Ryan. She never had been.

We’ll just drive, Ariel thought to herself. I’ll put her in the car and we’ll just drive. We’ll hide somewhere until Haylee gets back from her stupid vacation. Why was Haylee gone? What the hell kind of vacation was so important? She hurried across the gravel, toward the laundry room door and found it unlocked. Inside the laundry room it was dark; both the washer and the dryer sat in silence and the only sound came from the heating ducts overhead. Ariel hurried past the water heater closet, hanging a left into the main hallway. To her back, the upstairs leading into the addition where the family’s ‘game room’ and their parent’s bedroom was located. Straight ahead, Rylee’s and her room on the left, and the dining room which sat concealed behind a portion of wall. She cautiously walked along the wall, trailing her fingers along the faux wood paneling as she had seen Rylee do hundreds of times before. Just at the edge, she stopped short, wondering what she’d find when she rounded the corner. It was late; Rylee should be in bed asleep. Could she wake her up? Could they sneak out? She paused to listen, but her question was quickly answered by her Mother’s voice from around the corner.

“Ariel, is that you?” Mother called out in an almost pleasant voice. Ariel cringed, suddenly realizing what it must be like for Rylee to hear that voice. It was funny to think how quickly someone who loved, someone who was supposed to take care of you could become the enemy. Ariel swallowed and pushed around the corner, meeting the eyes of both her parents now seated at the table.

“Hey,” Ariel said as casually as possible, aware that her tone was guarded. She approached the table slowly, flashing a partial smile to them. “I just got home, how was your day?”

That was stupid. When had she ever asked how their day was?

“We just got a really interesting phone call,” Mother’s voice began to elevate, deploying that tone she used when she was about to win an argument. It was her ‘gotcha’ tone.

“Oh?” Ariel asked as innocently as possible, even though she knew at the bottom of her heart that the game was up. It was over.

“From Linda,” Mother said, almost smugly. “You know, your father and I had been wondering why you’ve been spending so much time with Ryan.”

“He’s my little brother,” Ariel said, as if she still had a chance. “Aren’t we supposed to-”

“What were you thinking, Ariel?!” Father suddenly shouted, standing and slamming his open palms against the dining room table.

“Calm down, honey,” Mother said with a hint of warning in her voice.

“You took him outside like that?! Where people could see him?! Don’t you care about our reputation?!” Father completely disregarded mother’s warning, and as Ariel’s eyes flicked to her momentarily, she could see she’d given up all semblance of control over the situation. Father’s rage was absolute, now.

“What reputation?!” Ariel shrieked. “You mean with the stupid church?! Is that all you care about? Why don’t you try listening to us for once? You just talk over us and-”

Ariel shrieked as Father’s open palm made contact with her face; pain radiated from the center of her cheek, outward, until the enter left side of her face stung and her eyes began to water. The impact sent her stumbling backward, tripping over nothing and tumbling to the floor. She slammed against the carpeted floor, bringing one of the kitchen chairs down on herself in the process. As she lay there, she made eye contact with Ryan who had stepped from his room and was peering around the corner, his eyes wide in shock.

“You took my son outside, dressed like a little fucking fairy!” Father continued. “What are you trying to turn him into?!”

“Dad!” Ariel said angrily, working to raise herself from the floor. Her efforts were momentarily halted as father snatched the fallen chair and hurled it toward the floor; it impacted the carpet next to her head, the wood cracking.

“You’re going to get out of this house, and you’re never going to see him again, do you understand me?!” Father roared again, this time bringing his fist down on the table. “Or do I need to drive the point home?!”

He struck her again as she tried to stand; blood trickled down her forehead, obscuring her vision as Ryan looked on.

Stay in your room, She thought as her mind swam. Don’t come out here. As if Ryan…Rylee…could hear her.

Something hard came down on her hand; the honing steel from the butcher block; father had retrieved it from the kitchen and was wielding it against her. A ragged scream erupted from her lips as bone cracked and white spots dotted her vision.

She tried to push herself up from the floor; her fingers screamed out in pain and she dropped back to the carpet with a thud. Her eyes found Ryan’s again. No, Rylee. Her hand was clamped over her mouth; she’d fallen to her knees in the doorway.

“Run,” she mouthed to him; he responded only by shaking his head – hand still clamped over his mouth. “Run!”

“I love you,” Rylee mouthed back, tears running down her cheeks.

Father had her by the hair now, but Rylee had shrunk back into the shadows, presumably heading toward her bedroom window. Ariel found herself hurtling back toward the table, her head slamming against its surface, and a futile cry as Mother stood by. All of a sudden, father looked toward the bedroom where Rylee had retreated. Had he heard something? Ariel cringed, bracing herself as her face went numb, and her vision warped between momentary total blackness, and a skewed, blurred vision of the world around her.

“Mom!” She gasped as Father barreled down the hall, heading toward Rylee’s room.

“You should leave,” Mother said simply as Ariel lifted herself from the table and tried to choose between cradling her broken hand, or her face. “You brought the devil into this house.”

“The devil?” Ariel said in a raspy voice as Father rushed back down the hall and toward the front door. “I brought the devil? There’s only one devil here and it’s you!” Ariel screamed the final part of the sentence. “Only the devil would treat their children like this!”

“Clean yourself up,” Mother said, coldly. “Then get out of this house. And you’re never to contact your brother again.”

“Mom,” Ariel said almost shakily. “Mom, listen to me-”

“No!” Mother shrieked, raising her hands as she stepped away from Ariel who had now placed a hand against her forehead, attempting to stop the bleeding amidst a rapidly forming headache. “I rebuke you! I rebuke you, Satan!”

“Mom-”

“Satan! Satan! Satan! In the name of GOD I command you, leave this house!” Mother’s eyes were wide, her lips pulled into a tight snarl as she glared at Ariel. Ariel began to back away, toward her room. “Where do you think you’re going?!”

“To pack a bag,” Ariel said. “You want me out? I’m out.”

“And you think you’re going to take the things your father and I bought for you?”

“You didn’t buy my clothes, or my car,” Ariel pointed out.

“You’re under our roof,” Mother snapped. “Everything you own belongs to us.”

“Pretty sure that’s not how it works,” Ariel muttered, taking a stumbling step backward. She glanced toward Rylee’s room, and then back to mother. The front door opened, and Father stepped inside, roaring that he couldn’t find ‘Ryan’ anywhere.

“This is your fault,” Father said accusingly, as if he were reminding her of something. “I told your mother, told her and told her that you shouldn’t be allowed to spend so much time with him.”

“And I vouched for you,” Mother said angrily. “I vouched for you and you still planted stupid, evil ideas in his head!”

“Sick ideas,” Father said, echoing the sentiment.

“Sick?!” Ariel lowered her hand, fingers balling into a fist as she glared at her parents. “You have a beautiful daughter! She’s kind, she’s curious, she’s happy, she’s nothing like the boy you raised. And you’d rather her be fucking dead than be happy. That’s the sick part. You’re sick, not me!”

“How dare you use that kind of language in this house!” Mother shouted.

“In the Lord’s presence, no less,” Father added

“The Lord?” Ariel looked around. “I don’t see him here, unless you mean that stupid fucking painting over there on the wall. Stop talking to the picture mom, it can’t fucking hear you.”

“You shut your mouth,” Mother took a step forward. “Don’t you blaspheme in this house!”

“Get out,” Father said stiffly. “Before I pop you again.”

---

February 8, 2001

Ariel fought the bitter cold as she climbed out of her blue Cavalier, a purple scarf wrapped around her neck, just above the collar of her gray peacoat. Her hands felt numb, even inside the nylon gloves as she closed the door and stumbled across an icy parking lot toward the roadside diner. It was a small spot, probably meant for truckers and travelers rather than the average diner, and Ariel was greeted by a blast of warm air as she stepped through the glass door, the entry bell ringing in her wake. She wiped her feet on a thin rug and surveyed the interior of the tiny restaurant. It was maybe half the size of the average ‘Bob Evans’, with two rows of tables set adjacent to a bar that ran the length of the restaurant. The atmosphere was cozy, homy even, but Ariel had no intention of staying here for long. She moved quickly past the tables and took a seat on one of the leather bar stools, drawing a few glances from the other patrons.

A gruff, older man in a faded denim jacket sat at the the other end of the bar, facing her and nursing a cup of coffee, and a younger man in a green John Deer cap watched her with hungry eyes as she ordered her own cup of coffee and eyed it eagerly as the waitress filled it.

“You look like you’ve been through it, sweetie,” The waitress said as she topped off Ariel’s mug. Ariel stripped the gloves off of her hands, shoved them in her jacket pocket, and wrapped her hands around the warm ceramic mug. The waitress was a middle-aged woman, deep lines around her blue eyes, and thin blonde hair pulled into a tight ponytail.

Ariel realized that the woman was probably right – she’d been on the road for more than a month, sleeping mostly in her car, barely finding anywhere to shower and eating where she could with the funds she’d kept in savings. The funds for the apartment she and Rylee were supposed to share.

“Yeah,” Ariel agreed quietly. “I’m okay, though.”

“What are you doing out here?” The waitress asked. “This is kind of out of the way.”

“Yeah, it is,” Ariel forced a laugh. “It’s charming, though.”

“Well we appreciate the compliment,” The waitress smiled. “I’m Jeanine, what’s your name sweetie?”

“Ariel,” Ariel said, taking a shallow sip of her coffee and wincing as the hot liquid brushed her cracked lips. “I’m from Woodhaven.”

“That’s a fair ways away. You in some trouble?”

“Someone I know might be,” Ariel said, looking at the waitress, Jeanine momentarily, and then looking down into her coffee cup, staring at the reflection of the overhead lights in the deep black liquid. Steam vapors licked her face as she took a shallow breath and then returned her attention to the conversation. “I’m looking for my brother.”

“Your brother, huh?” Jeanine nodded, and then walked to the older man, refilling his coffee and then returning to Ariel. “Older?”

“Younger,” Ariel corrected. “He…ran away from home.”

“You call the police?”

“Parents did,” Ariel nodded. “But I don’t trust them.”

“You only get one set of parents, hon,” Jeanine said, a word of warning in her voice. “You oughta work things out with them.”

“I think we’re past that,” Ariel shrugged.

Jeanine nodded and walked off to serve a new customer, taking their order for the house special. Ariel glanced in the at direction, looking at another gruff, bearded man who had taken a seat three stools down from her. She looked back at her coffee, tracing the outline of a stain on the white countertop with her index finger as she considered the last month. She’d started at Woodhaven and driven first to a rest stop a few miles out of town, along the freeway. She’d shown Ryan’s picture, but no one had seen him. She’d stopped at gas stations, rest stops, convenience stores, truck stops, and at a few of them, she’d gotten lucky. A few gas station attendants, fast food workers, a bell-ringer for the Salvation Army, all had seen Ryan when he’d stopped for a cup of water, or to grab a few of the complimentary crackers from the salad bar of some no-name restaurant. He hadn’t said much, and he’d looked sickly, at least from what she could gather. She knew he had no money for food, and he had nowhere to stay, and she shuddered to think of where he…no…she was sleeping. Questions. So many questions and Ariel had answers to none of them. The one thing she did have, was a direction: West. Rylee was heading west. Ariel didn’t know why, or how exactly, but through countless stops, hundreds of miles, dozens of tanks of gas, sleepless nights in the front seat of her Cavalier, the direction had never changed. It was always west. And so, Ariel would go west.

“Who did you say you were looking for?” The gruff, older man asked from the other end of the bar. Ariel looked up slowly, meeting his eyes with uncertainty. Her first instinct was to tell him to ‘fuck off’, but she quickly quelled that potential knee-jerk reaction. After all, this guy could know something, right? “Your brother?”

“Yeah,” Ariel said, her voice nearly caught in her throat. “His name is Ryan.”

“Skinny blonde kid?”

Ariel perked up, her eyes wide. Did this guy know something? No, he could be making it up. How many ‘skinny blonde kids’ were there? Millions? It could be a lucky guess. Ariel decided to err on the side of caution, but her shocked expression had likely already given her away.

“Do you know…something?” She asked cautiously. The man shrugged.

“Buddy of mine,” He said, gravel in his voice. “Said he picked up a kid hitchhiking west of Piedmont. Looked to be sixteen, maybe 17.”

West. Rylee was still going West.

“Your friend picked up a kid?” Jeanine said loudly, raising an eyebrow. “Don’t he know that’s illegal?”

“Where was he going?” Ariel asked, ignoring Jeanine’s outburst and judgemental tone.

“Ole Huck was going down 40, towards Nashville,” The man shrugged. “Haven’t talked to him since then, don’t know where the kid got off.”

Ariel felt the excitement begin to rise up inside her. She had more confirmation. West. She had to keep going west. Rylee was out there somewhere. She was still out there. Still alive.

“If he’s a kid, oughtn’t we call the police?” Jeanine placed her hands on her hips, and Ariel noted that the conversation had drawn the attention of the other patrons at the counter. Some who were nodding in agreement with Jeanine.

“You can do that,” Ariel said quickly. “But I’m going to keep going.”

“Now sweetie,” Jeanine said with a warning tone. “You don’t look so much grown yourself, you can’t be a day over eighteen! Don’t you know how dangerous it is for a young girl to be gallivanting across the country all by her lonesome?”

“Jeanine, if it were your kin out there you’d go to the ends of the Earth too, wouldn’t you?” The old man said, shaking his head. He took a bite of his eggs, chewed thoughtfully and looked to Ariel. “You oughta be careful though.”
“Thanks for the advice,” Ariel muttered.

“I can give you ole Huck’s number,” The man said. “He’s got one of those cell phones.”

Ariel gawked at him, taken completely offguard at the notion of talking to someone who had not only seen Rylee, but had driven with her. How long had it been since she’d found a real, genuine connection? She hastily agreed, and the man scribbled a phone number down on the back of a business card for her while Jeanine looked on.

“It’s foolhardly,” Jeanine said, shaking her head. “You’re more like to run into a pack of crazies out there than to find your brother.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Ariel said, laying some money down on the counter. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

---

April 18, 2001

Road. Trees. Signs. The glow of street lamps, the constant hum of the engine, the vibration beneath the floorboards of the Cavalier. These were the sights and sounds that kept Ariel company as she drove ever westward. Her brief phone call with Huck had revealed that Rylee had gotten off near Pigeon Forge. She’d wanted to head north from that point, and so Ariel would take Route 75, north, toward Lexington.

Her cellphone sat silent on the seat beside her, the battery dwindling. Fast food wrappers, discarded cups, and other garbage filled the passenger side of the vehicle, and Ariel herself was far worse for wear than she wanted to admit. Hotel rooms too costly for her, and showers were out of the question unless she wanted to use a truck stop. So far, she hadn’t seen any that looked particularly appealing. The road stretched on before her; winter was fading into spring and with it, her hope for the future faded as well. College, jobs, careers, all of it was melting away. Everything that she had worked for, every single plan she’d had for herself was blowing away, like leaves on the wind. God dammit, Rylee. She shouldn’t blame her little sister, it wasn’t her fault, but Christ, how was it that one girl’s gender orientation affected everyone around her so profoundly?

She pressed her foot down on the accelerator, merging onto another highway, passing another intersection, another small town. Glowing fast food signs and the flood lights of gas station canopies had become a welcome sign as of late; they were the little contact with civilization that she maintained. She pulled over, taking a sharp right into a Sunoco gas station, filling up her car and showing Ryan’s picture to an exhausted clerk who simply shook his head.

Inspecting herself in the rear view mirror, she found a nearly unrecognizable face; dark circles seemed to have formed permanently beneath her eyes; her hair was matted, skin dry and cracking. Her hands tightened around the steering wheel and a tear slid down her cheek as her knuckles whitened. At what point should she give up? When should she admit that Rylee was lost for good? Three months. Three months she’d been on the road and she was already at her limit. Her right leg ached and cramped constantly from pressing on the accelerator, her eyes blurred every time she looked out the windshield toward the open road. Her world had opened up and narrowed at the same time; her entire existence consisted of lonely street signs, dark highways, wide open freeways, and the thoughts swirling around in her head. She longed for her bedroom, she longed to have a future. She longed for certainty. But, the obsession burned within her. The need to keep going. She had to find her, she had to find her sister. Rylee. They could be a family again, just the two of them.

There was $500 cash in the glovebox, and in her bank account, another $200. How much longer could she hold out? How long until she spent it all on gas, or food? How long until the Cavalier’s engine sputtered and died, leaving her stranded in the middle of nowhere? She would walk, if she had to.

She pulled out of the gas station, taking a right and pulling into the parking lot of an old church. She needed to sleep, but first she needed to walk. With some difficulty, she pulled herself out of the driver’s seat again, flexing her aching leg and raising her arms over her head, stretching out her body.

Her clothes felt lived in, and her body felt filthy. How long had she been wearing them? How long had it been since she’d showered? She brushed a strand of hair out of her face and rubbed her scalp before walking around the cavalier and toward the old church. The tall stained glass windows were dark and the oversized wooden doors loomed ominously in front of her. She walked up to them, a question forming in her mind; it was a friday evening, and sometimes, she knew people used churches as shelters, right? Maybe she could use a pew.

To her surprise, the door opened, and a hesitant step through the entryway placed her inside a fairly large narthex. A short walk down an eerily dark hallway led her to the glass double doors of the sanctuary which still had a few glowing emergency lights just barely illuminating the rows of pews that led up to a pulpit flanked by what looked to be two projector screens. How long could she sleep here? Would anyone come in by morning? Did it matter? It was a god damn church, right? She made her way to the pew closest to the door – at least she could make a quick exit, if she needed to.

The pew, even with its thin padding was far more comfortable than the front or back seat of the cavalier. She laid down, allowing herself to stretch out, wiping the raw skin of her face with the back of her left hand. Hundreds of thoughts filled her mind as she stared upward at the pain white ceiling, rendered a shade of cream by the unobtrusive emergency lights lining the walls of the sanctuary. How had this happened? Rylee. They’d both been betrayed. Anger flashed through her mind as Amber’s betrayal fell heavy on her mind. Her childhood friend, the person she’d trusted the most hadn’t raised a hand to stop it. Rylee, the girl who had just come into existence a few years ago. All of it had led to this moment – a moment where she found herself without hope, without friends, without anything but a direction. West. Then north. That was all that mattered.

Soon enough, she found herself in a dreamless sleep.