Even if no one is hurt, even if the other car looks like it lost a fight with a brick wall while the only damage to yours is a piece of styrofoam from the other car's front bumper wedged into the rim of your rear wheel.
Especially if you're transitioning (as I am), already 24/7 but some of your documentation shows your new name, some shows your old one, and none shows the correct sex. Hey, I only changed my name legally a week ago.
Especially especially if your license tabs expired a month ago. (I never got a renewal notice, I swear! OK, I probably did, and it got lost in the shuffle when my soon-to-be-ex moved out. Luckily I had my iPhone, noticed the expired tabs, and was able to renew them on-line while we waited for the police. Handy.)
Especially especially especially when the foul-mouthed, rude, and quite probably heavily medicated woman driving the other car asks you, in all sincerity and apparently in utter lack of grasp of the impropriety of her question, "Just tell me, are you a man or a woman? 'Cause I'm standin' here sayin' 'he,' and I'm sayin' 'she,' and I ain't believin' either one."
I took this picture of myself a few hours later, trying to see what was confusing her:
I mean, OK, I'm over six feet tall (186cm), fairly flat-chested (36A), with somewhat narrower hips and broader shoulders than most women, and I wasn't wearing any makeup, but still. I was even carrying my purse at the time, fer cryin' out loud! How much more of a hint do you need? Tell me honestly--am I deluding myself about my "passability?" No, wait--on second thought, don't. If I am, I think I'm happier not knowing.
I haven't been having problems with my voice contradicting my gender, at least not lately, but I suppose under stress it could have been the problem.
I told her, with a hurt expression, that it was an incredibly rude question to ask anyone, but she just shrugged and repeated, "So which is it? He or she?" I guess I can take solace in the fact that when I gave her a dirty look and answered, through gritted teeth, "She," she accepted it without further question. And her twenty-something son who was in the car with her, and a friend they called to come get them in case their car wasn't drivable (it was), and the shopkeeper who came over to ask if I was all right and if I needed any help, all appeared to take me at face value without any sign of seeing or hearing anything amiss. I did, ironically, hear the son at one point shouting obscenities at some "damn hippie" down the street for flipping his long hair out of his face "just like a f***in' girl," but decided it wouldn't be prudent under the circumstances to berate him for his misogynistic/transphobic/homophobic comment. Still, I'd like to know what about me was unconsciously striking the woman as "off." Was it just the height, or the voice, or... something else?
Oh well. I just have to accept that I will probably never know.
After an hour the police hadn't shown up, so I called them again and was told they'd been diverted to higher priority calls and it could be another hour or more before they could spare anyone for a non-blocking, non-injury traffic accident. So on the dispatcher's advice, we just exchanged insurance information and went our separate ways. So at least I escaped without having to show my inconsistent documentation along with my court order for a name change. Small favors.
Comments
Glad to hear you're ok
As a verteran of faaaar to many road accidents I'm glad you escaped your fender bender unscathed,
As to your comment about passablilty, I think you pass extremely well. I'd be a very happy bunny if I could look as good as you do.
Huggs
Sam
Passability
Well, Justme,
I doubt I will be the first to say this but, i wish I looked as good as you do. All I could think was, 'god, she's gorgeous. Why can't I look as good.' I know for a fact that I don't pass well but I don't let it get me down. I just act like nothing is wrong and people take the queue from my actions. Don't let the old biddy get you down. She probably would have had a hair up her bottom regardless of who it had been involved in the collision. Just keep doing what you're doing and don't let anything faze you. Just act like nothing is wrong and people will take you at face value.
Goldie
Graduate of Dr. Meltzer's Finishing School for Girls. Class of 1995.
Sounds like she just had a
Sounds like she just had a bug up her butt. ;) You look better than I do, and I never have any trouble passing.
I had kind of a similar experience a few months before I went full time. I flipped my car (It was a really slow gentle roll, really, I wasn't hurt). I was wearing a sports bra to conceal my breasts and male clothes, though my hair was quite long. I was so shaken up that I was in danger of passing out, so I was lying down until I calmed down. Everyone thought I was a girl until someone finally asked for my ID. Everyone got kind of quiet after that, but they didn't saying anything.
Pretty cool how you were able to renew your registration on site like that!
Saless
"But it is also tradition that times *must* and always do change, my friend." - Eddie Murphy, Coming To America
"But it is also tradition that times *must* and always do change, my friend." - Eddie Murphy, Coming To America
Close encounter with a S***head....
Glad to hear you're okay ~
Sounds like you had a close encounter with someone who is not a prime example of the best of humanity, or at least one who was not at her best - you're right, it was incredibly rude for her to even ask about your gender; for her to insist/persist in the inquiry speaks volumes to her state of mind/mental capabilities,and her basic manners....
Looking at your photo, I without hesitation thought "woman" - although I know many on this forum are sensitive to these factors, your height and shoulders, etc., are really immaterial to that judgment. Nany women who are larger than the 'norm' in any number of ways, but they are all unquestionably women.
The women you had the run-in with (bad, if unintentional, pun) sounds like she's got a whole list of issues - her stupidity and her lack of manners and sensitivity should not be your problem; it's really hers. You are just another in what is no doubt a long line of victims who had to pay the consequences when you stepped unintentionally into her mindfield... sadly, and probably with her inspiration, her son appears to be laying his own....
All the best,
YW
Happiness and success are neither necessarily contemporaneous nor connected.
~ Gordon Sumner, quote from a radio interview I heard around 1990
He conquers who endures. ~ Persius
Passing is only 51% physical
I'm not attractive. I'm fat, balding with a larger than normal head size. I didn't think I'd ever 'pass'.
One day it just all snapped into place. A friend likened it to in the beginning... the clothes wear you and eventually...you wear the clothes. There is something about being sure of ones self and having the confidence, but also about not wondering if the outfit you have on makes you look female enough. There is a certain attitude that just develops after you've transitioned...
Another friend of mine is also over 6' tall. She dresses like Miss Corporate Canada and gets called sir. I am almost 6' tall... dress like a ordinary low income person that I am... and I rarely if ever these days get called sir (cept on the phone) inspite of my awful appearance.
Nobody.
Hey don't sweat it
Happened to me last year, guy smacked up my rear... the car, not... No real drama, just swapped insurance and he was ever so apologetic. I stand just under 6' in bare feet and like you have broad shoulders and slim hips relatively. I get called on the guy/girl thing now and again, sometimes guys sometimes girls, it happens. Mostly I just go about doing whatever and have no problems. I've found if your voice sounds reasonably femme that helps a lot, the rest is general attitude... well mostly. Been livin' it for a few years now and mostly things is good, so don't worry about some cranky old cow, just go with what's good for you, you'll do fine.
Kristina
GG'S Seem To Have A Built In Radar
GG's seem to have a built in radar for spotting us even if we think we have done a good job with our hair and makeup. I guess they are more in tune with feminine body language. You pass really well from what I see. I have been pretty fortunate about passing. i have only had a couple of incidents where I was verbally "read" by someone in public. Most of the time, people just take me as I am. Even after almost five years of being fulltime, it still gives me thrill when I am addressed as Ma'am, she, her or lady. How far are you into your transition? Don't worry about that lady because you look good and you will be fine.
Hugs,
Jen
How far in?
I've been on blockers for nearly a year now, estradiol for just shy of three months, and have been full time for just two or three weeks. I sort of eased into it over the course of a couple of months, and at some point (I don't remember exactly when) I got upset with myself for introducing myself by my old name when calling some business over the phone, and decided I needed to just stop doing that. And some time later realized that I was now living full time.
Thank you
Thank you all for the supportive comments and PMs. Once I manage to shake off the unpleasant emotional residue of this incident, remembering your support and reassurances will help tremendously in shoring up my fragile self-image, and will give a much-needed boost to my confidence--which, as so many of you have kindly pointed out, seems to be the key to being accepted at face value. If you're sure of who you are, the people you interact with are less likely to be uncertain about you too.
The bit that feeds my self-doubt, the bit I still have to shake off, is that I had built the core of my self-confidence around having felt as if I was coming across as female on balance, not overwhelmingly so but enough so that anyone could figure it out after no more than a few moments' hesitation--and she proved that wasn't true. So, OK, I have a more realistic self-image now; I was shaken by that, as I was by the collision itself, and maybe the two things reinforced each other, but I'll get over it soon enough. It helps to remind myself that after all, even in her eyes the scales were evenly balanced, not tipped toward male. And over time, that can only get better, right?