A Different Plane of Existence

By Karen Page

Edited by Angel O'Hare

Part Six

The morning dawned and Charlotte stretched as she awoke. Last nights conversation with Sally Archer and Sue Barker had certainly helped. It had given her a lot to think about but it also relieved a lot of the built up stress. Last nights sleep was the first full nights sleep since the accident. There had been no bad dreams, no nightmares and no night terror attacks.

Jasmine watched on the monitor as Charlotte woke up slightly later than normal and went to greet her before Charlotte went to have her shower.

"I believe you're leaving us today?" Jasmine said as she sat the breakfast tray she was carrying down.

"Yes," she said looking unhappily at the breakfast. "I think Kelly Baxter is collecting me at about ten."

Jasmine went over to Charlotte to give her a good bye hug. However Charlotte, still unsure of herself, pulled away.

"Its okay, Charlotte," Jasmine said not trying to hug Charlotte again. "I just wanted you to know how much you mean to the people that know you here. You've been a very brave person and I wish you find happiness."

"I don't know if I can ever truly be happy," Charlotte replied looking out of the window. "I've lost both my parents and my manhood. My life isn't what it was. But I will try to find something in my new life that I can find happiness in."

"I'm sorry but for the next few days you will need to go back to being Simon. Your neighbours and vicar don't know about your change and since you probably won't see them again then it's best you let them remember who you were not what you've become."

Charlotte thought about it for a few moments and then nodded her consent. "I was just getting used to this," she said flourishing her arms. "However I understand and agree. But I don't have any clothes."

"Your suitcase was not sent to America. While you shower I'll bring in something for you to wear."

In the shower Charlotte decided to use the masculine smelling gel. As the washed away the soapy residue Simon tried to reassert himself. In fact there wasn't much difference, just a way he looked at himself and tried to act. Though even in Charlotte mode people would have seen a man. Since there wouldn't be any electrolysis for several days Simon shaved the hair from his face.

On the bed was a short-sleeved shirt, a pair of light trousers and a jumper. These were what he was planning to wear on the way home. Simon thought about what he'd packed and it was mostly shorts and t-shirts. This was probably the only clothes in the suitcase that would be practical in the fickle English weather.

When Rachel came in she saw a confused Simon sat in the chair. "What's wrong Simon?" she asked, reverting to his male name as he was dressed in male clothes.

"I don't know," he replied looking on the verge of tears. "I really don't know anything anymore. I enjoy being Simon but I know that is probably not where my future lies. It was really difficult to decide to live a Charlotte and just when I start to get used to the idea I'm back as Simon."

"So do you feel confused?" asked Rachel sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Confused isn't the correct word," Simon replied slowly. "I feel I'm in a void not knowing where I'm heading. Things are confusing but it is more than that. Life has gone from being stable to being so unknown. I don't know if in six months I am going to be a boy or a girl. If I don't even know that, how am I supposed to decide what I want to do in life? How can I have any direction, any motivation?"

"You are only fifteen," said Rachel. "There is plenty of time for you to decide what you want to do with your life. Right now you need to concentrate on learning if you want to live as a girl or a boy. Kelly will help you learn to live as a girl so you can make a choice. You don't have to decide now, next week or even in six months time. Once you learn how to be a girl give it a chance. If you can live like that then you still have the chance of being a parent. If you can't, then live as a boy, nobody will mind."

"I bet Dr Millard would," Simon responded cattishly. "His great experiment wanting out."

Rachel didn't bat an eyelid, "No he wouldn't. The special sex change was so that you still had the opportunity to be a parent. Nobody is straight jacketing you into being a girl. If you decide you prefer to live as a man then that's what you should do. Always follow your heart not what other people want or expect."

Just then there was a knock on the door. "Please wait," called Rachel.

"Do you still want to take Kelly's help?" Rachel asked Simon.

Simon thought for a moment as he blew his nose into a tissue. "Yes," he replied. "I think I do."

"Are you okay for them to come in now?" she asked.

Simon just nodded and Rachel called, "Come in." and soon Simon was being introduced to Kelly Baxter. Kelly Baxter was a slender woman in her early forties. Her blond hair was cut into a bob and she talked about the upcoming few days.

After a few minutes chatting together there was a knock on the door and in walked all the people who had been involved looking after Simon. Sally, Jasmine, Dr Ruiz and Dr Millard marched in, followed by a rather flushed looking Sue.

"What's going on?" asked Simon looking puzzled.

"You have been such a good patient," said Sally. "You've had to deal with a lot of issues since that fateful Saturday morning and we all wanted to be here to say goodbye."

Simon gave a short chuckle in disbelief, "I've not been a good patient at all. I disturbed you all with my night terror and probably disturbed the patients as well."

"I would have expected most patients to be total basket cases after such loss," said Rachel, before Sally could reply. "You've had your struggles but you haven't given in. You've battled through your nightmares and come out ahead. You are looking to the future and not looking back. No Simon, you are a model patient."

"Thank you," whispered Simon, overcome with emotion at the response he'd just been given.

"Now we have all clubbed together to get you something to remember us by, and as a thank you for being so brave," said Jasmine giving Simon a small wrapped box.

Simon again looked shocked but took the offered box and fumbled to open it. Eventually he worked passed the tape to reveal a small jewellers box. He opened it to find a gold pendant.

"This is a Saint Christopher pendant," informed Sally.

"Ohh," said Simon, understanding it significance. He took the pendant from the box and, with the help of Kelly, placed it round his neck. "Thank you," said Simon as he placed it below his shirt. "Thank you all very much. I doubt I would have made it without all of your help."

"I think we'd better be going, "said Kelly breaking the silence that followed.

So at quarter past ten, slightly later than planned, a rather nervous Simon left the ward walking next to his guardian Kelly. Dr Tom Millard, Dr Rachel Ruiz, Sally, Jasmine and Dr Sue Barker gave Simon a cheerful farewell.

***

The journey to Simon's house took longer than expected. It had taken longer than anyone would reasonably expect. The delay on the M25 was normal and expected. London's orbital motorway wasn't called Europe's largest car park for nothing. However when we turned on to the M1 the crawl was worse than normal. Just after junction eight, the car ground to a halt and they inched slowly forward. After an hour, they had travelled about two miles when across on the other carriageway they saw the blue flashing lights.

"I expected an accident but not at the other side," Simon said to Kelly.

"This motorway never surprises me," Kelly replied. "If it isn't this stretch then the bit between Nottingham and Sheffield can be just as bad."

Eventually they passed the accident and suddenly they were travelling a lot faster and had managed to reach fifty miles an hour before they again slowed and eventually came to a halt. They crawled for another hour before passing a burnt out lorry occupying the hard shoulder. The fire crew were still dousing down the smouldering remains as we passed. The inside lane was still closed due to a fuel spillage.

Eventually worn out we pulled into the driveway. The house silhouetted against the dusk background looked a forlorn sight. Simon sighed as he stared at the house remembering that a few days ago it belonged to his parents. Now it was his.

"This I think belongs to you," said Kelly handing Simon the houses front door key. "The cleanup team passed all your belongings to Social Services to be passed onto you when you were discharged from hospital. I have the suitcases and all the items that were with your Mum and Dad in the boot."

Simon climbed out of the car and walked slowly to the front door. There he stood staring at the door. Kelly who was standing behind let him fight the demons that were playing in his mind. Reluctantly Simon stepped forward and placed the key into the lock. Taking a big breath he opened the door and entered beckoning Kelly to follow. The house was cool so he went to turn on the heating.

"I've got a few things for tea," said Kelly producing a cool box. "Can you help me bring in the suitcases?"

"Let's get them now and then you can tell me what we need to do," Simon said as he finished switching on the heating system.

As they stepped out of the house they were met by four policemen. "Excuse me," one of them said to Kelly. "Are you the owner of this house?"

"No she isn't," interrupted Simon. "But I am."

"Likely story," one of the police said as he shone his torch into Simons face. "You can't be more than thirteen."

Kelly noticed a neighbour peering through a crack in her curtains. "Perhaps one of the neighbours could verify who Simon is", she said.

One of the younger police officers was dispatched while Simon invited the other three officers into the lounge. Five minutes later Mrs Truman came in with the young police officer.

"Hi Mrs Truman," said Simon to his neighbour. Mrs Truman was in her early seventies, slightly plump and was the streets main gossiper.

"Simon," she gasped, "but you're on holiday in America. You aren't due back till next week."

"You know the plane crash at Gatwick?" Simon asked her.

"Yes," she replied. "Did that stop you going? May be you could go later on in the year. Where are your parents?"

Simon looked at Kelly who nodded. "My parents and I were in the terminal building when it collapsed. They both died and I was very badly injured. I've just got out of hospital. This is Kelly Baxter; she is my guardian for a few months while I fully recuperate."

"Oh you poor thing," said Mrs Truman flinging herself at Simon. "If there is anything I can do please let me know."

"Just keep it quiet," Simon said knowing full well that most of the town would know in under half an hour of her leaving. "Ms Baxter will be assisting me to go through my parents belongings. After that, I will probably sell the house. I thought about renting it out but every time I hear about the house it will remind me of what I've lost."

With Mrs Truman and the police satisfied that the house was not being burgled they all left. As soon as they were out of the house, Kelly just folded up into fits of giggles. "Was she real?" she gasped between giggles.

"Oh yes," Simon replied. "You daren't do anything wrong on this street as Mrs Truman would have your parents know about it."

After a light meal, Simon and Kelly went to tackle the paperwork. Simon pulled down a big cardboard box from the top shelf of his deceased parent's wardrobe. Inside were details of the house mortgage, life assurance policies, savings policies and lastly there was a will. There was even a policy to cover funeral expenses.

"It looks like your parents planned well," said Kelly as she wrote down the information onto a pad. "It looks like tomorrow we need to notify a few people about their deaths and see a solicitor about the will"

Simon gave a yawn and glanced at the clock. It was nearly ten. Travelling always wore him out. "Its getting late and I think I should probably go to bed soon," Simon sensibly said as he stifled a second yawn.

"I think you're right," replied Kelly as she started yawning. "Today has been a long one."

"Did you come from your home?" asked Simon. "Actually where is it we are going to?"

"I was at a small school called Hayfield Hall which is not far from here," she replied. "It is a relatively new school, about four years old, which helps children who don't fit into mainstream education. A lot are transsexuals. The school lets them express how they want to be, not how society expects them to be. I sometimes help out there."

"Is that were I'm going?" asked Simon wondering what the people would be like.

"No," Kelly answered, "I'm taking you to my home in a small rural part of Gloucestershire. While Hayfield Hall does have a lot of psychiatric staff to help the children with dealing with being transgendered it was decided that you have a lot of other issues to deal with."

"Let me show you were the spare bedroom is," said Simon staggering to his feet and then helping Kelly up. When he knew that Kelly was okay he bade her a good night and for the first time since being home opened the door to his old life.

As he flicked on his bedroom light, all his history came flooding back. On the shelf next to his bedroom window were trophies from rugby; a game he knew he would never play again. His sheets were masculine. In fact the whole room screamed of the one thing he had lost. His manhood.

Over the last few days Simon had been gradually introduced to some of the feminine things. While he hadn't had chance to fully appreciate any of it, the sudden jar back to being in a masculine room reinforced his loss.

Simon left his overnight bag untouched in the corner of his room and donned an old pair of pyjamas he hadn't packed for America. There hadn't been time to go through the suitcases; that would wait till tomorrow.

Simon couldn't sleep. How was tired but every time he closed his eyes he remembered the black of being trapped in the rubble. In the hospital he felt safe. The hospital smell constantly reassured his tortured body that he was safe. Now that reassuring smell was gone and with it went peace from the accident.

After an hour of tossing Simon got up and went to the kitchen to make himself a mug of hot milk hoping that it might help settle his tortured mind.

Kelly who had been listening to Simon toss had been waiting for him to offer herself as help. When she heard him go downstairs she knew this was a good time.

"Hi Simon," she said as she took a seat to watch him prepare the warm milk.

"Would you like some," he asked as he poured the warm milk into a large mug.

"I'll just have some water," she said.

Simon passed her a glass of water and sat down next to her encasing his large hands around the mug.

"Couldn't sleep?" asked Kelly.

"No," Simon replied staring at the table wondering why Kelly was there.

"Worried about the funeral?"

"Not really. Not looking forward to it but it something that must be done."

"You know you don't have to attend?"

"I know. But I want to. I think I need to. I hope it will be the beginning to the end of this nightmare. Since leaving hospital I haven't been able to sleep. I'm tired but every time I close my eyes I'm back buried in the rubble talking to Mum unaware that she is slowly dying."

"What were your parents like?" Kelly asked as Simon took a sip of his warm milk.

"Wonderful. They were always loving and kind. They encouraged my rugby playing but they were firm that if my school work slipped they would not let me play or train," Simon's words trailed off and looked thoughtful. Suddenly he jumped up saying, "Stay here. I'll be right back."

Simon returned with three thick photograph albums and placed them reverently on the side of the table away from the drinks. "These are what we called our remembrance albums," he said. "They are a catalogue of each of our lives. Strange why we always called them remembrance albums as I suppose that's what my parents ones are. Mine I presume is a remembrance of the time I was a boy."

The first album Simon opened was his mothers. "This was originally started by my grandparents and when she was old enough she added photographs herself."

Simon and Kelly looked at the first album for two hours. The early photographs Simon had no recollection of, being before he was born and they were both reliant on the information pasted next to them. As they leafed through they saw a happy picture of Helen expecting. She looked totally radiant and happy that Simon gave a slight sigh of happiness. Kelly just sat back and watched Simon as he looked at pictures of his pregnant Mum and afterwards her holding her tiny baby. Tears started to trickle down his cheeks.

"You'd love to be a parent," said Kelly quietly recalling a conversation she'd had with Rachel regarding Simon.

He just nodded his soul bared open. "This is the way forward," thought Kelly as she held her young charge.

"Why?" she asked as Simon gradually regained some composure.

"The thought that I'd be able to help a child grow, to tend its needs, to protect it, help it find its way in life. There are lots of reasons," he said, the wonder in his eyes sparkling in the tears yet to fall.

The tears had drained Simon of his remaining energy and he started to drift to sleep in Kelly's comforting arms. Simon, however, was far too big for Kelly to carry to bed so she helped him up and escorted him upstairs her kind comforting arms still around him. Kelly tucked him into bed just like his mother had done ten years ago and sat in his room till he went to sleep.

Back in her room, Kelly pulled out a thick file with Simon and Charlotte Turner written in large writing on the front. She took out a pad and paper and added her recent observations regarding Simon. This took a good hour. Just as she settled into a deep sleep, she was awoken to a loud scream.

Kelly didn't bother with her dressing gown and rushed in the dark to where she thought the door was. Unfortunately she didn't have her bearings and when she opened the door ended up with a face full of clothes. "Oh yeah," she thought, "that where the wardrobe is."

After eventually finding the door, Kelly grabbed a small bottle she kept in her bag for situations like this and rushed into Simon's room. He was sat upright tears steaming down his cheeks.

"I'm here," said Kelly clambering onto the bed to comfort Simon. Just before she climbed on she saw that Simon was shivering with fright and pulled the end of the duvet around him. Once on the bed Kelly held Simon tightly and talked comfortable words until the shaking diminished.

"That was horrible," he uttered trying to get the nasty taste out of his mouth.

"Have a sip of this," Kelly said offering the drink.

Simon gratefully took it and rinsed the contents round his mouth before swallowing. "Gahh," he uttered. "Thanks."

After Simon had taken a few sips Kelly decided to tackle the issue, "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked.

Simon remembered the time he'd shared his nightmare with Jasmine and it had helped. "Thanks, I'd like that," he replied.

"I'm glad that you're able to accept help," she said. "So tell me about your nightmare."

"I was reliving the accident. I was in the terminal building watching the plane land and taxi towards the gate. Mum and Dad were alive and we were all excited. Then it happened all over again. The plane crashed and the building collapsing all like it did less than a week ago. It felt like I could feel the mortar rain down on me and I screamed. I don't know if the scream was in the dream or not."

"Well you screamed out loud, which woke me up and probably the neighbours as well."

"Sorry," Simon said. "Are you sure you want me to stay?"

"Of course," Kelly replied. "It might take a bit but you will get over it. The important thing is that you don't bottle up your feelings. Talk to me about them. A problem shared is a problem halved. Now go and clean yourself up and then we'll get you settled."

When Simon got back into bed he lay down but didn't look very settled.

"Frightened to sleep?" Kelly asked as she tucked him in.

"A little," Simon replied giving a slight shudder.

"Well according to your notes you only ever suffered one nightmare per night. So going on past performance you should be okay. What about when you were younger. Your notes said you suffered night terrors until you were seven. Did you only get one attack per night?"

"I think so."

"Then you should be okay," reassured Kelly. "Tomorrow is going to be a long day."

Kelly sat in a chair and watched Simon fall asleep. When she was sure that he wouldn't wake she went back to her own room hoping and praying that Simon would sleep through."

Simon awoke just as the day was dawning. The long shadows of the night shortened as the safety of the sun sent its first rays of light shooting into the room. Simon had survived another night of torturous dreams.

During breakfast Kelly explained today's plan, "There are two major things we have to do today. Firstly, we need to get the will sorted. The will should mention the type of funeral your parents wanted."

At nine Kelly leafed through the yellow pages and rang some of the local solicitor offices she eventually found one that sounded competent and was able to see them at ten.

The will basically said that if either parent died then the surviving one got everything. On the event that both died then everything was inherited by Simon and placed in trust till he was eighteen. There funeral wishes were outlined at the top of the will. They would like to be buried after a church funeral service.

***

"Hi, Simon," said Allan Roberts the local vicar.

"Come on in," said Simon opening the door wider and introduced him to Kelly, "This is Kelly Baxter, she is looking after me for a few months."

"I'm Allan Roberts," he said offering his hand to Kelly. "I heard about Simon's loss and came to see if I could help."

"Come on through," said Simon taking charge. "Kelly was going to ring you tomorrow morning. We only got the will read today and it said that my parents would like a church funeral followed by burial."

"Would you like a drink?" Simon asked as all three of them went into the lounge.

"Black coffee, no sugar, please" replied Allan.

"Do you want me to make it?" asked Kelly.

"I'll do it as I know where things are," Simon replied ushering the other two to sit down. "What do you want Kelly?"

"Coffee with just a splash of milk, no sugar please."

"I'll be back in a jiff," Simon replied disappearing into the kitchen.

Simon returned a few moments later carrying a tray with two mugs of steaming coffee and a glass of orange juice.

"Would you like me to officiate at the funeral?" asked Allan.

"Please," Simon replied. "I think Kelly has on her list to speak with the funeral director tomorrow." Kelly, who had sat back to let Simon deal with the issues as he had want to, just nodded.

"Well give me a ring tomorrow with the details but I have availability most mornings during the week. Now how are you coping? I saw the pictures and never dreamt that it was you they were digging out of the rubble."

"I really miss my parents," replied a subdued Simon. "I don't know what they did for God to take them so early in there lives and cause me so much medical issues. They were good people and we attended church most Sundays."

Allan put down his half drunk mug of coffee and gave Simon his full attention. Kelly also sat more upright and watched the exchange, ready to intercede if required. Simon was struggling to keep his emotions in check.

"God operates in mysterious ways," said Allan. "Why does he allow war to kill so many people? God gave us the freewill to operate as we see fit. God didn't make the people turn on their mobile phones that made the plane crash. He however gives people gifts such as the ability to help heal to the doctors."

Kelly had moved forward and was sat right next to Simon.

"Your parents were good people Simon. They brought you up well and asked for forgiveness for their weaknesses before God. I am sure that they will have both gone to Heaven to live a new everlasting life."

"Oh," was all Simon could say. His eyes started to well up and he just looked into his drink.

"Would you like us to pray for your parents?" Allan asked.

All Simon could do was nod. Allan moved next to Simon and placed his left hand on Simons back.

"Lord, please watch over Helen and Chris. They were unfortunately taken from their loving child who now mourns his loss. Helen and Chris were both loving parents and good Christians. Please take them into your loving arms and accept them into Heaven where they can live in everlasting peace. We ask this in Jesus name. Amen."

Simon and Kelly both uttered "Amen."

The little composure that Simon had vanished and the emotions that had been building up pushed to the front. The tears again started as the vicar said, "Lord, please watch over Simon. His loss of his parents at this important time of his life is particularly devastating. Please comfort him and guide him to see joys that his future life may have. Help him recover from his injuries and provide guidance and wisdom to Kelly and all the other people that have helped and will help him in the future. We ask this in Jesus name. Amen."

Simon couldn't say anything as he remembered his parents. He remembered their love, their patience, their kindness and their compassion. He remembered when he was six and had fallen off his bicycle and had been carried home by his father with Simon in one arm and the bike being carried in the other. Simon's father repaired the bike while his mother tended his wounds and shock.

The words of comfort spoken by Kelly and Allan were oblivious to Simon as he sank deeper into his memories. Memories of a happy childhood were the predominant memory that invaded Simon's troubled and tortured mind. His parents. His loving parents. Gone. They were not in the lounge. They weren't there to take his pain away. They could never comfort him and say they loved him. They were gone.

Simon grabbed hold of Kelly and wept.