Sean stood for a moment, her violin hanging from her fingers. She was terrified, shocked, unable to move or even swallow for an instant of time that seemed to her to last forever. She finally lifted her instrument and almost aggressively clamped her chin down on the pad. She held her bow over her violin as though she was ready to beat the instrument, so it was a surprise when the first notes she wrung from it were so soft as to be almost inaudible.

Chapter 12

Charlie was exhausted. The emotional roller coaster she had been through the night before showed clearly on her face as she made her way to the cabin that was her home with Sean on ship and, she supposed, their home for quite a while yet to come. She couldn’t get the image of the strong man she knew as Gunnar out of her head, his sobbing as she drew his head to her breast and encouraged his tears to flow down her bosom after the glorious release of that first pent up orgasm had caused the dam which held him in check to burst with the finality of birthwaters.

She wasn’t absolutely sure she was in love with him, but she knew there were deep feelings there waiting to grow if she let them, and it scared her. She wondered just how she was going to approach this subject with Sean.

“So how was our fine captain?”

Sean was moving around the small cabin, pulling on a fresh shipsuit, an expression of satisfaction on her face. Charlie eyed her for a moment before replying, admiring her love. *How she would have loved to be like this when we were together back then.* She thought to herself. *I was so selfish to deny her the chance.* For now, Charlie was bound up in her own miasma of guilt, little realizing how her lover felt.

“Insatiable,” Charlie reflected for a moment on her thoughts of the previous night, a quick flash of heat in her core at the memory of him, the expression on his face at the moment he finally let himself go to ride the tides of sensation. “and sad. I’ve never had a man cry on me while making love to me. We spent the rest of the night talking about how guilty he felt.”

Sean turned to look at Charlie as a tear leaked from her eye. “So was he guilty about having sex with you, or guilty about his relationship with his wife going south?” Charlie didn’t respond for a moment, the single tear turning into a steady flow down her cheeks.

“Both, neither, I don’t know, I just know I feel so bad for him that he’s tied up in feeling so much to blame no matter what he does. I mean, he’s a spacer and she knew it when she married him. Poor guy has worked basically his entire life to make his ambition come to fruition and just at the moment he manages to make his dream of owning his own ship and being truly independent a reality, she goes all cold fish on him. He’s got 2 sons with her, 5 year old twins, and he feels guilty for abandoning them, even though he has given up juicy contract jobs to get back to Earth as often as possible just to spend time with them.”

Sean folded her into an embrace and let her just cry on her shoulder, stroking her back as she let it out. “You know, I talked with Leif about this last night some, and he thinks Gunnar doesn’t have a thing in the world to feel guilty about.” She shifted Charlie back to look her in the eye, raising her chin to plant a soft kiss on her salty lips. “To hear him tell it, she started seeing other guys even before the twins were born and already has another guy lined up to replace him. The poor man was so blinded by his own feelings he couldn’t believe she would betray him that way.”

Charlie sniffled a bit. “I can’t believe I’ve become so involved in all of this. I mean I was trained to be a counselor and I’m supposed to be all detached and everything. Why do I feel like this?’

“Well, it’s because you aren’t a counselor anymore.” Sean shifted them both into a spooning position, hugging her love close to her. “You’re a Caregiver now, and that means you care. You couldn’t do what we do and not care. You spent all night caring for Gunnar’s hurt soul and I spent all night caring for his brother. Do you think we could do that if we didn’t invest our own emotions, our own souls, into the men we care for? It doesn’t mean we love each other any less, just that we have enough room in our hearts to love them too.”

Charlie snuggled back into her warm embrace. “Yeah, I know all that, but damn it’s hard sometimes, you know?”

“I know baby, I know”

Neither of them had a shift scheduled that day, so they spent the first half of the day secluded in their cabin. Just after lunch Charlie emerged and took over the galley. She spent most of the time until dinner immersed in the arcana of cooking, basically being a little blonde terror to the two crewmen who had the misfortune to work with her. They learned a great deal, but not without the occasional outburst. Finally all was ready to her satisfaction and she disappeared to change for dinner with dire warnings not to touch anything.

Dinner was a first class experience with course after course of gourmet dishes transporting captain and crew into culinary realms heretofore undreamed of. It was nearly ruined at the very end as a crewman lunged for a fire extinguisher when the Bananas Foster caught fire, but Sean had the foresight to stand by the extinguisher and intercept him. After the meal, the two men standing bridge watch went back to their stations but were still watching and listening via remote.

As the remaining crew relaxed into after dinner drinks, Sean snuck away and emerged into an area that had been cut off from the main mess area by sheets hung as curtains. Charlie stood up and strolled over, yanking the curtains aside on the prearranged signal to reveal a stage with Charlie’s synthesizer set up and a dramatically posing Sean, dressed in a tight black silk dress, violin and bow hanging in her hands. There was a moment of applause and hooting from the assembled crew.

“Well boys, I figure we’ll start with something appropriate to this particular trip. Now the original version of this song was done by the Charlie Daniels Band, but a group called Primus came along and did it one better, so here goes!” She tucked her violin beneath her chin and began with a flurry of mountain style fiddling from almost a century before as Charlie took her place at the synth.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3FRtkek-Et4

The Devil went down to Georgia,
he was looking for a soul to steal.
He was in a bind, 'cause he was way behind,
he was willing to make a deal.

By the time the song was finished, the assembled crew were stomping and clapping to the music. The duo segued into a series of early 20th century jazz tunes, alternating them with some current pop and a bit of early 21st century trip hop. At the end of a Portishead number, Charlie stood up behind her keyboard and came out to face the assembled crew.

“Now yawl have heard some good music tonight, and some damn fine fiddle playing, but I want Sean to show you the true extent of her skill and amazing talent. You have before you one of the most amazing violin virtuosi of the past 200 years.” Sean was trying very hard to shrink into the jury rigged curtains and disappear. “She is going to play for you a piece that even the composer said might not be possible to play properly.”

She literally dragged a numbly resisting Sean back to center stage. “Gentlemen, I give you Ravel’s “Tzigane”, also known as “The Gypsy”.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JK7yo-lEm-8

Sean stood for a moment, her violin hanging from her fingers. She was terrified, shocked, unable to move or even swallow for an instant of time that seemed to her to last forever. She finally lifted her instrument and almost aggressively clamped her chin down on the pad. She held her bow over her violin as though she was ready to beat the instrument, so it was a surprise when the first notes she wrung from it were so soft as to be almost inaudible. By the end of the first section, she was crying softly as she played. Most of the assembled crew were trying to hide the fact that they were crying along with her.

The only one not trying to hide his emotion was Lief. He was all but sobbing, holding himself back only because he wanted to hear the music that at that moment was touching his soul so deeply, as the first part came to an end and Charlie began to weave her piano into the melody. Now the tone of the music went from mournful to a sort of melancholy joy, something spacers could well understand and identify with, but with an undertow of sorrow. By the end of the performance, Sean’s fingers and bow arm were causing her almost as much pain as her pent up emotions that she had released into her playing, and she was weeping copiously, not even aware of the fact that the fingers on her left hand were bleeding from her furious and forceful fretwork.

Sean wasn’t alone in her tears, the entire crew, including those listening from the bridge, were wracked with emotion. Not one of them had ever heard anything like that, where the instrument became a living extension of the artist’s soul. Anyone listening could have been forgiven for thinking that it was the instrument weeping, crying out its sorrow to the universe. For all of that, there was no doubt in their minds that they had heard the sorrow of a thousand lifetimes and the hope borne of its endurance, all in just over 9 minutes of music wrung from the tortured soul of someone who knew what every second and nuance of it felt.

Unknown to either Sean or Charlie, one of the bridge crew had broadcast the entire performance, including visuals, over ship’s coms on wideband and had recorded it as well. Sean and Charlie had no idea that they had just given a performance that would be the talk of the music world within a week. All they knew at that moment was that they wanted to hold each other and be comforted in the other’s arms.

But first, there was some serious drinking to be done.

Charlie pulled the bloodstained puddle of black silk down over Sean’s hips, kissing her way down the trail from the bottom of her ribcage to the top of her pubic mound, bringing little moans of delight from her lover’s throat. “You like that, huh?”

“Oooh, yeah!” Sean was too far gone in desire and drink to say much more as the gentle butterfly kisses proceeded even further down. They had decided to spend the night together even though it meant none of the crew would have any relief that night, but some things were more important and their love for each other was one of those things. Things proceeded from there and they fell asleep in each other’s arms, thoroughly sated.

“I feel like I should be spending more time with you.” Sean was pensive, her eyes searching Charlie’s face for signs of jealousy or disapproval as she adjusted her kimono. “I mean we only really get one night to ourselves for the week and I feel I should spend it with you and not off playing around with The Hulk.”

“Don’t call Lief that, can’t you just imagine how awful he would look in green body paint!” Charlie broke into a fit of giggling which soon had Sean giggling right along with her. The two hugged, each careful of the other’s makeup, then indulged in a passionate kiss. “Hey, I love you and I know you love me. We’ve had over 40 years to establish that fact. Just because you are falling in love with Lief and I am falling in love with Gunnar doesn’t change anything between us. They both know that we each have screwed and loved almost every single man aboard this ship and enjoyed the hell out of ourselves doing it.”

“More importantly, they both know our history together and we both know them well enough to know they would never want to get between us. I think we’re doing the right thing tonight, both of us. Now you go tell your mountain of a man how you feel and I’ll do the same with my big strong captain, but I want you to know for sure that you have always been first in my heart and always will be. Like you told me” she lifted Sean’s face so their eyes met and kissed her gently, “just because we have room in our hearts for others does not mean we love each other any less.” Sean realized as they exchanged tender kisses that it was true, and that knowledge gave her the courage she needed to continue.

The two women had made it abundantly clear that their duties as Caregivers continued, no matter what feelings may exist. Each of them continued caring for the other members of the crew. Often that did in fact mean sex, but as time went on it became more evident that it really meant caring, whether that caring took the form of just a quiet dinner and the chance to talk about things they couldn’t share with their crewmates, whatever was needed. They became mothers and lovers and more to the crew. In short, they were doing what Caregivers were supposed to do, giving of themselves to their fellow space travelers.

In the time it took to journey from Earth orbit across the entire orbit of earth and on to the orbit of the particular rock they were heading for, the crew went from being an assortment of individuals to being a family.

By the time they had delivered their cargo and proceeded to Mars orbit, they were in fact more tightly knit than any family the old Earth way of doing things had ever conceived of. There was not a single member of the crew who would not willingly lay down their life for any of the others. 6 of the 14 were deeply in love; even though two of them had problems admitting it to themselves.

Simon had fallen fast and hard for Vasily Zaitsev, the reserved and stoic Georgian who did his best to keep to himself . They had shared a hard night of drinking and Simon had shared his secret with Vasily. They wound up sleeping together. There wasn’t any sex that night, but as things progressed between the two, they became nearly inseparable and it was almost inevitable that one night, things would proceed to the next level between them.

Sean had been the catalyst for that, teaching Simon what he needed to know on the hygiene front, how to be clean and so on. Of course things weren’t that easy and Simon came crying to Lief’s cabin, knowing Sean would be there. He hadn’t known how to say what he felt and Vasily had been equally scared. Sean wound up helping the two have their first sex, physically guiding them into place as she murmured reassurance into both their ears.

The emotional aftermath was more than the physical. Simon collapsed in tears at the end of the sexual act. Vasily tried to soothe him and Sean wound up drawing out how he felt.
“Vasily, as much as I wanted it, I just don’t feel like I can give you what I want to give you!” Simon buried his face into his pillow, sobs wracking his slender frame. “I want to be a real woman for you, to give you children like a real woman can!”

Vasily drew Simon into a tight hug. “Look, I don’t care what you look like, I don’t care if you can give me children or anything like that. I know that I have wanted you for a long time and I have never seen you as anything other than a woman. I want you to be my woman and I don’t give a nyekulturney goddamn what anyone else thinks.!” He relaxed his hug enough to free an arm and force Simon to look at him. “I love you, dammit, and whoever or whatever you are it doesn’t matter to me. I will love you no matter what!”

Sean slipped away as they held each other and relaxed into what was, at that point, almost inevitable. The only reservation in her mind was what would happen if they wound up on different ships when Simon had her appointment with the Caregivers.

The Heyerdahl bounced around the belt for almost a full year, carrying various cargoes from place to place and the crew became a great deal more relaxed and friendly, with no small thanks to Sean and Charlie’s efforts along those lines. Finally there came another cargo to Earth that was worth taking.

The captain and his brother had fallen deeply in love, but they both realized that they did not have the money to buy out the contracts of their respective sweethearts, so they longed for a cargo that would give them the option to do what they so deeply desired. When it seemingly dropped in their laps, they jumped at the chance. By this time, the belt refinery had come into operation and the first of the cargoes of semi-refined metals was ready for return to Earth.

So it was that the Heyerdahl was boosting for Earth in May of 2036 with a cargo of 20 million tons of semi refined ore, bound for the refineries in Low Earth Orbit. As soon as the cargo was confirmed, Sean was on the com back to Earth. She had almost 3 months to set things up, but the surprise was definitely worth the wait.

There was a significant delay in communications due to distance, so Sean simply sent off her prepared message to Headquarters and continued her duties at the con. She was not expecting any sort of immediate response, so was surprised when coms relayed a message to her in their cabin shortly after the end of her shift. Surprised turned to shock when the face that took form on her screen was that of Mary Yotori.

The message was short, but very clear. Mama Yotori would be happy to see Simon when they arrived in Earth orbit. She ended her message with best wishes for both of them and even mentioned the insane popularity their performance of Tzigane had gained back on Earth. Apparently there were some rabid fans who wanted to see the performance live and she wanted to know if they would be amenable to scheduling a concert while dirtside. Sean replayed the message for Charlie when she came in a little later. “So do you want to do it?”

Charlie tossed a mischievous grin across the cabin. “Of course I do, and anyway, with Mama Yotori asking, it’s almost like a command performance, isn’t it?”

May 18, 2036

Sean was standing her watch aboard the bridge, shortly after they left the refinery. The cargo of ore was well balanced so there were no concerns on that level. The load was so massive that the engines could only manage 3/4g of boost against the mass. The trajectory they had to follow meant that it would take them almost 3 months to get back to low earth orbit for transshipment. Automated systems were managing the workload and everything was within parameters so when she gasped and went rigid, the bridge crew definitely took notice.

When Gunnar arrived, Sean was still sitting stiffly, not replying to any questions, not even seeming to notice their efforts to get her attention. Gunnar had occupied himself checking all ship’s sensors, ensuring there was nothing wrong with the craft or their course, but before he had time to deal with Sean the growing ponderous thunder that was Leif running on the deck plating came to an abrupt stop. Gunnar did not turn from his examination of the readouts but he knew something was seriously wrong by the way his brother’s ragged breathing hitched for a moment.

“I’m taking her back to her cabin. Make sure Charlie is there too.” With that he lifted her easily and carried her back through the hatch, being very careful not to bang her head on the lip of the opening. Her ankles took a brutal mauling, but neither of them noticed. Sean was too numb to take note of the sharp pain and Leif was just too concerned for her to realize that he had inflicted further pain in his eagerness to help. He dashed through the passageways to crew quarters, arriving at almost the same time as Charlie.

“What’s wrong with her?” Leif just shook his head as she keyed the lock, unshed tears glistening bright in his own eyes. He almost shoved her out of the way in his haste to get her to the bunk, laying her out with infinite care.

“I think she just got a huge shock and you aren’t far behind, so let me get you both a drink before I tell you, Ok?” Charlie fussed around with a marginally responsive Sean for a moment while Leif poured them all three large glasses of straight vodka. He brushed Charlie aside and held the glass to Sean’s lips, tipping a sip into her mouth. He held her as she sputtered and coughed, the harsh liquor burning its way down her throat as she gasped and then broke down sobbing, curling into his strong arms. He did the only thing he could at that point, holding her as she gasped her way back to awareness of the world outside of her own mind.

He turned his attention to Charlie as Sean grabbed hold of the glass and this time took a very large slug of the potent drink, gasping as she swallowed but relaxing a little in his arms as she did. Charlie regarded her glass for a moment and took a large slug of her own before setting the glass down and shoving Leif aside to cradle her love in her arms. “What’s wrong? What happened?”

Sean took a moment, tilting back another large slug of the liquor. “Mama Yotori is dead!” she wailed, collapsing back into the pillows Leif had arranged for her and sobbing. “Somebody killed her, I just know it!”

What had looked to be an uneventful trip back to Earth became something other. After 3 days in their cabin, the two women emerged, determined to put up a front, if not of happiness, then at least of some semblance of normality. Each of them had been tremendously attached to this woman who was so much more to them both than just an employer. She had helped them to overcome some of their most difficult challenges during training and had been the deciding factor in their initial acceptance at CGI, so in their minds, they owed her everything since the life they had now could not have been possible without her.

Gradually things improved aboard ship, but it would be a real stretch to say that normalcy had returned to the Heyerdahl. Sean took to almost obsessive violin playing. She was rarely to be found without her instrument, even playing on duty when she had bridge watch. When that happened, it was usually Vasily at coms and he made a habit of broadcasting while she played. There were some spots of brightness in the music, usually when she was in a manic mood, but overwhelmingly it was dirges, requiems and other music which served to express her grief.

It wasn’t just that she was grieving for Mary Yotori, to say that would have been woefully inadequate. She was grieving for the loss of her newfound innocence. She knew what she was going to do when the opportunity presented itself, and that thirst for revenge brought her back into a space she thought she had left behind for good. This came out in her playing, and as the calluses grew on her fingers, so did they grow on her heart.