It's been 5 months since I got to be Leeanna. I have longed to be female since I was around 4 years old and wondered why I couldn't wer pretty clothes and play with the girls. "Boys don't....." I was told. So this led to a double life. I married and had 3 boys. Now I feel it is too late and I would break too many hearts if I acted on my desires. I remain committed to my male life, which I don't hate. Who is to say I would have been happier living as a female? Back in the 1970's when grew up trans people were treated very badly.

My way of coping is writing when I can and going on, what I tell my family are "fishing trips". I have been dressing on these trips for the last 5 years. At first I was too scared to go out the door. Then I went for short walks in the dark. Then a few years ago I met a wonderful man, Mike.

Mike understands how nervous I am and went for evening walks with me. He walks in front of me to shield from close inspection from large groups. Last year he got me to venture out in daylight. I was very nervous, all went well in some quiet locations. They were my baby steps.

This week we met and he suggested a few places that were going to busier. I feel a little more confident now. He suggested I observe what most women wear this time of year. It was almost 100% leggings or jeans. It was very sunny, but still cold. So I went for a chunky sweater and sunglasses. They glasses help cover the different shape brow males have and the sweater my lack of curves.

We went to a nature walk on the first day and Mike suggested we stop at the cafe for a coffee. I wasn't sure, but we were sitting at bench having a rest and two ladies smiled at us and told what a lovely day it was. There were no lingering glances, I was convinced I had not been read.

I chose an outside table away from some of the crowded tables. While we were drinking our coffee I saw our reflection in the window. All I saw was a man and a woman sitting down having a drink. I felt a lot more relaxed after that. I had never been anywhere with that many people.

The next day Mike took me to the location where The Hay Wain was painted by John Constable. I had a problem with one of my boots pinching. That distracted me from the large amount people that were milling about. After passing so many people without getting any searching looks I felt so relaxed. Mike suggested a pot of tea in the cafe. The only way through to the garden was though the cafe. There was a large queue when we went through the door. I had to say excuse me to several people to get through. This was the first time Leeanna had spoke to anyone in public.

Sitting in the garden drinking tea surrounded by so many people was amazing. It meant nothing to them, to them we were just a couple enjoying a pot of tea. I loved being accepted and ignored. I wished the day could go on forever. When Mike suggested we walked down to the cottage in the painting I jumped at the chance. I felt I could go anywhere and do anything as Leeanna.

This is Willy Lott's Cottage today

I would never have believed that I would have the courage to do anything like this a few years ago. It felt wonderful and opens up possibilities for the future. I never would have done this without Mike's help. Leeanna would still be in the dark. I owe him so much.

I know to many who read this it is your daily reality, to me though it was the first time in my life that I felt my female persona was recognized.