I accepted magic to fight evil and it turned me into a girl, but I don’t think I really mind?

Jennifer Shannon

Chapter 9

Everyone was just staring at me, seeming unsure of what to say. Then Daniel crouched down and grabbed my shoulder. I felt a strange heat rise in me, but I had other things to worry about right now.

“Please don’t panic, but… yes, you do,” he said.

I tensed up, and I only didn’t get up and run because he was holding me firmly.

“Oh my god! He didn’t realize?” asked Lanelle.

I wondered how this change could be a “blessing”, as Bran called it. I was sure I was going to be attacked for this, and I was going to lose my friends. I tried to escape again, and Lanelle grabbed me too.

“He did tell us he was beaten up by homophobes throughout high school. They probably taunted him for not being ‘manly’, too. This must be like those taunts coming true,” Amy told the others.

“This could also explain the symptoms of trauma that we have witnessed. His inability to cope with the changes could be due to these attacks,” Bran added.

“Well, why is your goddess putting him through this?!” asked Daniel.

“The gods do not always consider human weaknesses. The divine magic will have identified his own subconscious ideal and will be working towards that, no matter what the consequences may be.”

“Then, can she fix it?”

“I will personally return to the Morrígan to request as much on his behalf,” Bran said, before flying off.

I started to calm down a bit. Bran was going to get this fixed. But I didn’t know how long that would take. I was sure it wouldn’t be easy to convince a goddess that there was something wrong with her “blessing”. What would I do in the meantime? Lanelle looked thoughtful, though. I was hopeful that she’d have an idea that could be helpful.

“Matt, this is supposed to be based on your own ideal. Are you trans?” she asked me.

“What?! No! I’m normal!” I shouted.

“Hey! Lanelle’s not abnormal!” Amy shouted back at me, making me recoil.

“It’s OK. That’s his trauma talking. Matt, we’re not mad at you. It’s perfectly fine. But have you ever wished you were a woman?” said Lanelle.

“… No more than anyone else,” I ventured.

“Matt, most people never wish to be the other sex.”

“What? That can’t be right. Girls are prettier and have more interesting clothes. Also, guys aren’t supposed to hit them and I used to get attacked all the time; of course I’d wish for that.”

“That ‘supposed to’ doesn’t stop some guys from doing that and far worse,” Amy responded.

“Yeah, I realize that, but still, who wouldn’t wish to be a girl sometimes?”

“I never have, Matt,” answered Daniel.

“Really? OK, but that still doesn’t make me trans.”

Lanelle sighed, and Amy groaned. I wasn’t sure why.

“Should we call Bran back?” asked Daniel.

“What? Why?” I asked.

“I suspect the goddess knows exactly what’s going on. If she could see this through his shell, she’s not going to be convinced otherwise,” said Lanelle, ignoring my question.

“Wait! You don’t think Bran can convince her to help me?” I asked, focussing on the part that made sense to me.

“… Don’t worry. I’m sure she has only your best interests in mind.”

“You’re not telling me something,” I said, looking around at my friends.

“I don’t think you’re ready to hear it, with what you’ve been through. Can you just trust us, please?” said Daniel.

The others nodded, agreeing with him. I guessed I’d have to trust them. But I was still worried about what I’d do while I was waiting for my problem to be fixed.

“So, what do I do until Bran gets back? People are going to notice this.”

“I’m afraid to tell you this, but some people have already noticed. We were assuming you were on hormones,” said Lanelle.

I started to panic again, but the friends around me helped me to calm down somewhat.

“It’s OK, Matt! Nobody besides me and some of the local trans community had that idea, and none of them will tell anybody! You’re safe!” she said.

“Well, what about using hormones to go back to normal?” I asked.

“… I don’t think you should do that right away,” Daniel said.

“You’d have to explain everything to a doctor, and do you really think hormones are going to be stronger than magic?” interjected Amy.

“Plus, hormones wouldn’t shrink your chest. You’d need surgery to cut off your breasts,” added Lanelle.

The idea of that surgery was disturbing for some reason, and I didn’t want to have to explain magic to anyone I didn’t have to. After a pause, I realized that hormones were likely the only way I’d be able to explain my changes without invoking magic.

“Am I going to have to say I’m transgender to explain this to people?” I fearfully asked my friends, shocking Daniel.

“You freak out every time somebody might think you’re not ‘normal’! Are you going to be OK with that?!” he asked me.

“I don’t know what else I can say, though. This would be more normal than saying magic did it. I guess I’ll just have to learn to deal with it.”

“I think that might be a good idea, Matt. Right now, you’d stand out more trying to look like a guy. You’ll have to deal with some transphobia, but you’ll fit in well enough that it won’t be from random people on the street. Plus, it’ll give you a chance to see what it’s like to live as a woman, like you’ve wished in the past. You can always tell people it wasn’t for you if Bran comes back with a solution,” said Lanelle.

“You mean ‘when’, not ‘if’, right?”

“Right, of course, Matt.”

She was right. If I was going to fit in, this was the best idea, and although it scared me, I didn’t hate the idea.

“I’ll have to do it this way, then, if I don’t want negative attention.”

“If you don’t want attention, you’ll have to change your clothes, pronouns, and name. There’s nothing wrong with transgender people who don’t change these things, but they do get attention.”

I just nodded.

“We can just call you Mattie, if you want,” suggested Amy.

“Heather,” I whispered inaudibly. The name seemed to well up from nowhere, but it felt right. Anyway, if I was going to do this, I could have any name I wanted.

“What was that?” she asked.

“Heather. I want to be Heather,” I said.