My day started out very well. The weather was gorgeous - sunny and warm, with just a light breeze blowing; much nicer than February should be in upstate NY. I actually had a reasonably decent night’s sleep the night before, which has not been a given for me since I was a teen and especially moreso over the past few decades.

I had a meeting scheduled for 11:00 AM today, which actually went rather well - but for some reason I was left feeling slightly depressed as I pulled out of the parking lot, although I pushed myself to keep from falling down that hill. By the time I arrived home I thought I had gotten past it.

I was wrong. My spouse, who retired at the beginning of this year, was waiting for me and seemed to be inordinately interested in how my meeting went. I am sure that her questions were simply because she was taking interest in how my day had gone so far - but it hit me wrong. For some reason, it felt like she was grilling me. In the past, she has taken little interest in what I do for a living, so I guess I couldn’t help but wonder why the sudden interest. For whatever the reason, my commenting about her sudden interest resulted in her getting upset and saying a few things which hurt me. A lot.

Because of my time in the service, and then my civilian career after, we have spent more time apart than we have together. Since her retirement, and as I have been working from home, we have spent nearly every waking moment together for the past six months. It has apparently been too much - my wife let me know this afternoon that she is “done with this relationship” and stomped off up the stairs.

So I went for a walk. I left my phone, my purse, my keys, everything behind and just walked out the door.

I took a walk down to a little church that is about a mile from my house; it’s the place I have always gone when I need to speak with God. Which is something I have not done a lot of over the past years, but today I felt the need to do so. I sat on the steps leading to the side door of the church and thought - I thought about my wife and our marriage, I thought about my children and my relationships with them, I thought about where my life has been and is going, and I thought about God and my relationship with the Almighty.

I thanked God for helping me to conquer my cancer, and I asked why? Why save me? Would it not have been simpler to let me die? Why am I still here? I asked for forgiveness for the things I should not have done in this life, and the things I should have done and have not. I asked for forgiveness for the people I have hurt, and I asked God to point my feet along the right path - to show me the way to help those who I love, and to help those who are in need that I have not yet met. I asked God to show me the way forward, to help me to be a better person.

And then I took a walk down to the Hudson River. It’s not far - less than half of a mile or so from the church. I walked down to the city dock along the river, sat down and watched the water flowing by. To my left was a bridge spanning the river, and before me was the cold water of the Hudson. And then I did something I have not done for some time.

I thought about ending it all. I sat there in the warm sunshine and contemplated how tired I am, and how nice it would be to just give up. To climb up the bridge and jump into the cold river water, or to swim out into the middle of the swift current in front of me and let the cold water take me. I spent about an hour watching the river flow by.

And then I stood up, walked to the edge, and looked down along the bank where I saw an old man fishing. I stood and watched him casting out into the river and slowly reeling his line in, and after a few minutes I turned away from the river and walked home.

My wife apologized to me for what she said, and told me that she loves me. Then she made me a very nice dinner - which is mentionable as I have been cooking much more than her lately.

But I am very, very depressed - and honestly I am not sure why. But I will persevere. I have to.

For it is not my time just yet.