I went for a walk this afternoon…….

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My day started out very well. The weather was gorgeous - sunny and warm, with just a light breeze blowing; much nicer than February should be in upstate NY. I actually had a reasonably decent night’s sleep the night before, which has not been a given for me since I was a teen and especially moreso over the past few decades.

I had a meeting scheduled for 11:00 AM today, which actually went rather well - but for some reason I was left feeling slightly depressed as I pulled out of the parking lot, although I pushed myself to keep from falling down that hill. By the time I arrived home I thought I had gotten past it.

I was wrong. My spouse, who retired at the beginning of this year, was waiting for me and seemed to be inordinately interested in how my meeting went. I am sure that her questions were simply because she was taking interest in how my day had gone so far - but it hit me wrong. For some reason, it felt like she was grilling me. In the past, she has taken little interest in what I do for a living, so I guess I couldn’t help but wonder why the sudden interest. For whatever the reason, my commenting about her sudden interest resulted in her getting upset and saying a few things which hurt me. A lot.

Because of my time in the service, and then my civilian career after, we have spent more time apart than we have together. Since her retirement, and as I have been working from home, we have spent nearly every waking moment together for the past six months. It has apparently been too much - my wife let me know this afternoon that she is “done with this relationship” and stomped off up the stairs.

So I went for a walk. I left my phone, my purse, my keys, everything behind and just walked out the door.

I took a walk down to a little church that is about a mile from my house; it’s the place I have always gone when I need to speak with God. Which is something I have not done a lot of over the past years, but today I felt the need to do so. I sat on the steps leading to the side door of the church and thought - I thought about my wife and our marriage, I thought about my children and my relationships with them, I thought about where my life has been and is going, and I thought about God and my relationship with the Almighty.

I thanked God for helping me to conquer my cancer, and I asked why? Why save me? Would it not have been simpler to let me die? Why am I still here? I asked for forgiveness for the things I should not have done in this life, and the things I should have done and have not. I asked for forgiveness for the people I have hurt, and I asked God to point my feet along the right path - to show me the way to help those who I love, and to help those who are in need that I have not yet met. I asked God to show me the way forward, to help me to be a better person.

And then I took a walk down to the Hudson River. It’s not far - less than half of a mile or so from the church. I walked down to the city dock along the river, sat down and watched the water flowing by. To my left was a bridge spanning the river, and before me was the cold water of the Hudson. And then I did something I have not done for some time.

I thought about ending it all. I sat there in the warm sunshine and contemplated how tired I am, and how nice it would be to just give up. To climb up the bridge and jump into the cold river water, or to swim out into the middle of the swift current in front of me and let the cold water take me. I spent about an hour watching the river flow by.

And then I stood up, walked to the edge, and looked down along the bank where I saw an old man fishing. I stood and watched him casting out into the river and slowly reeling his line in, and after a few minutes I turned away from the river and walked home.

My wife apologized to me for what she said, and told me that she loves me. Then she made me a very nice dinner - which is mentionable as I have been cooking much more than her lately.

But I am very, very depressed - and honestly I am not sure why. But I will persevere. I have to.

For it is not my time just yet.

Comments

Uncertainty

Andrea Lena's picture

coupled with the still-recent effects of your health issues. Add that to your already explained bouts with PTSD, and the daunting challenges regarding your gender transition. So difficult even under the best of circumstances.

I am grateful for your friendship and I am very proud of the victories you continue to apprehend day-by-day. All my hopes!

  

To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L'Engle
Love, Andrea Lena

I’m glad you didn’t do it

gillian1968's picture

It sounds like you’ve had a rough time. But I really hope you have at least turned one corner.

Gillian Cairns

Joining the Chorus

Marissa Lynn's picture

I'm glad you're still here.

You made the right choice to walk away from the false promises of the Hudson's waters and return home.

I hope things get better and that it remains not your time for a while yet..

I too

Erisian's picture

I too am glad you are still here.

And I wish I had better words to offer, or could hold your hand so you could feel what the words can't say.

<3

Let Me Start By Saying

joannebarbarella's picture

I too am glad you didn't do it. Not only a tragedy, but a waste of your still-to-come potential and the effect on all those who you know and love would be devastating.

Have you read "Dark Night Of The Soul" a fairly short story here on BC by Cyclist (Steph C)?

It's absolutely appropriate to where you are right now in yourself. It's a story about an old soldier in the depths of misery and despair, about weltschmerz and redemption. It might not sound very uplifting but I happen to know that the author was also in an earlier war and understood exactly what you are going through.

I don't believe your time is here. All relationships go through rocky patches. Things are said in the heat of the moment that can't be unsaid but only regretted and apologized for later. I am also a former cancer sufferer, but after 39 radiation treatments and two minor preparatory operations the beast is in remission. It always comes back, but my wife had ten extra years of life before it reclaimed her. I don't expect ten years (I'll be 82 in less than three weeks) but a year ago I was told I had less than a year to look forward to....unless something else killed me first!

The difference between you and me is that you are far more courageous than me. I'm not talking about your military prowess but the fact that you transitioned and are living as you were meant to live. Dallas, I plead with you not to waste it.

Old soldier in the water

He was real, and I pulled him out, but it was in May rather than in February.

Samaritans, the anti-suicide charity, have just released an ad showing how a little bit of human interaction can change/save a life. The ad shows a woman on a railway station platform ask a clearly unhappy man for simple directions. Mood broken, life saved. A rail worker is seen looking on, implying safety.

A woman asking where the coffee stand is; an old man fishing. Reminders of life and common humanity.

The Samaritans, of course, have been dogpiled by transphobes because "WOMEN AREN'T A SUPPORT GROUP FOR MEN!" and "SAFEGUARDING!". Because the actor playing the woman is mixed race, there are also accusations of racism.

Bigotry rots the brain as well as the soul.

We Are Going Through Depressing Times

You're not a fungible commodity, even though our society makes us feel like we are.

You would be missed bitterly by many, many people.

Sometimes life is a bitch. You know that.

You're a fine person who has done some fantastic things.

Jill

Angela Rasch (Jill M I)

Glad you took your walk … and came back

So glad you did.

I also do the full time work from home thing, and my nonworking spouse will express interest with such hunger for specificity that it becomes grilling. You’re not alone.

How’s your physical activity? Can’t say my suicidal ideation is totally banished, but for me regularity of exercise helps keeping its fetid snout from escaping wherever it hides.

I’m sorry you’re feeling bad. If there doesn’t seem to be a ‘why:” that’s what makes it depression. Do persevere.

Struggling

I also know that feeling of “is it worth it?” that you described so eloquently. For many years I had a quote that somebody posted here on BigCloset in a rather big sized font on the pin-board over my desk. And I believe it is time to re-post it once more for others in this community to see:

Suicide is a very permanent solution to a very temporary problem.

A very big thank you to whoever posted it all those years ago. And I hope that it will inspire many more to keep it somewhere visible to remind and encourage them not to give up in spite of what life throws at us.