Chapter III

 
 
 

     It was almost half past seven by the time Miss Lynn looked at her watch. “I've made you miss dinner, Chris. I'm sorry.”

“I don't mind. It was… worth it.” I said in such a shy way, that it made her grin at me.

“Wait here for a moment while I pop over to my apartment. Why don't you go into the dressing room, and I'll be right back. Okay?”

“Where are you going?” I asked breathlessly, wondering as much about how large my eyes must appear as I was about what she was up to. The thought of finding myself alone in the theater like this made me feel vulnerable, and the thought that someone else might walk in and find me there alone…

She reached out with both hands on my shoulders to turn me around.

“Don't try and take off your makeup, though. Leave it just as it is but you can take off the dress and slip. Just drop it to the floor, and step out of it.” She instructed while unbuttoning me with the speed of a lifetime of practice.

“Do you have your wallet with you?”

Asked suddenly, I had to shake my head in answer. There was no reason to carry a wallet at school. What on earth did she have planned now?

“Is it where I can get it for you?” She asked quickly.

“It's in my room, in the locked drawer in my desk.”

“Do you want to give me the key, or do you want to walk over there with me?”

I slipped her the key, and tried not to look like I was running to the dressing room.

 
 

 
 

     I had spent some time in the dressing room after changing into my pants but I was well into the process of covering up the racks we had looked through before she got back.

I knew that she was only gone a short time really but it had seemed so much longer.

“Here,” she said, shoving another shopping bag in my hands along with my wallet as she pulled out a pack of pantyhose. “Do you know what these are?” She asked in all seriousness.

“Of course I know what pantyhose are.” I informed her. “I go to a boys' school, not a boys’ planet.”

Far from being annoyed, it just made her grin at me. She knew how likely I was to strangle myself with them. It didn’t even need to be said.

“Good, then you should be able to change for me while I finish up here for you.” She dove into the nearest cabinet, the one that was full of shoes.

She said looking down at my boy's slacks. “Did you change your under things?” She asked only to have me nod. “Well put the pink pair back on before you put on the pantyhose, and if you have any trouble, give me a call. For goodness sakes though, don't run them. They are the only new pair I have left.”

I opened the bag, and I found a pink blouse, a grey skirt and belt set, and a small purse, that looked about the size of a wallet and hung on a long strap.

“Here.” She said, handing me a pair of girl's shoes as she pulled me over to the chair, and started to swap the green ribbon in my hair for a pink one.

“Naturally, there's a really cute shoe over there, guaranteeing that I could only find the one of them, but these will look nice too.”

“What?” I mumbled.

“I told you I'd take you out to grab a bite to eat if we missed dinner.” She said flatly.

“Like, in these?” I asked fearfully, even though I was really trying to sound calm. It honestly sounded more like a squeak.

“Just like this.” She smiled. “Don't worry. We are just going to hit the drive through. “Now you hurry and change, because I'm starved, and I really think that we need to take some time for us to talk.”

“Can't you get into trouble?”

It was her turn to blush. “I'm sure I could if the wrong people found out, but I really don't' think so.” She sighed and sat in a nearby chair. “You know I've been trading E-mails with your folks. They sent their permission to take you off campus if you needed to for Christmas, or just to talk if you thought that would help. You can go out on your own during the day on Saturday and Sunday as long as you carry a cell and we know where you are, so it's not that big a deal to be off campus as long as they know.”

“I was thinking more like a teacher dressing one of her student's up in her clothes.” The backs of my knees found a chair too, as what she'd said began to sink in. “What exactly did you tell them, Miss Lynn?”

She sighed again, and examined her hand pretty closely, before her eyes lifted to lock on mine.

“Not too much really. It's not the first time I've traded E-mails with them. I reminded them that I was one of your teachers. I told them that I thought that they had just an amazing kid on their hands. I told them that you were very smart and polite but that you were also a lonely, and a very, very sad kid.”

She looked down at both her hands then. “I also told them that you were dealing with a completely pissed off teacher, who was beside herself at the idea that a kid your age would spend three Christmases in a row at this school. They left you here that first Christmas too, didn't they? Right after they had dropped you off, and flew to Switzerland? The year before last?”

She was angry, and she was leaving no doubt about it at all. Not too many knew of that. The other kid who had spent that Christmas with me in Mrs. Pierce's home had graduated last year. He didn't really advertise it either.

I nodded.

She already knew this, of course, so her expression only softened a little in sympathy. “My God, Chris, that just sucks.”

“Did you say that to my parents?” I asked, feeling ill.

“I did, Chris. I was polite, but I told them flat out that you were probably more in need of family right now than anyone I know. I told them that I was alone too, and that I planned to spend as much time as I had free in making sure you were okay.”

“You could get into trouble, though, right? I mean this is just your first year?” I was really worried for her. Mrs. Pierce had been here twenty. She regularly told parents off, and could do the same to anyone else, but new teachers didn't do that. Let alone helping in other ways.

“I won't.” She leaned to put her hand on my knee. “I had to tell Mrs. Pierce and the headmaster that you were feeling so down. I had to as a human being, but they are also my bosses, and had every right to know”

I felt so sick again.

“Listen, Chris. We really do care, you know. We may just be teachers, but we see as much of you kids here than any of the parents usually do, and in some cases… one heck of a lot more.”

I understood her point, very well.

“So you see it really is okay. Now, if you want to, you can go in and get changed, and for goodness sakes, don't cry again! That mascara is hardly the best available. I'm a poor teacher after all, and there is a limit to what I can afford.”

It made me smile even as she did.

“I'm sorry I cry so easily.”

“Well, I imagine you do, and that's one of the things we need to talk over, but as far as I'm concerned, it's normal for girls to cry when they have every reason to. Now hurry up, I'm hungry. Besides, I'm sure that getting out of this mausoleum, if only for an hour, will do you a world of good.”

 
 

 
 

     The walk to the car, even though she had pulled it up to the door behind the theater was a long one. I could feel the coolness of the night on my tights, not cold, just different. I pulled at the hem of the skirt, which was a little too big, so I dared not pull too hard; so I just fiddled with it nervously as I waited for Miss Lynn to lock up the amphitheater.

The cool air woke me up too, and cleared my head, which just made me wonder even more frantically what I was doing. The clothes felt wonderful, and looked as nice as I'd imagined. Even the men's short grey army jacket that Miss Lynn found for me while I was changing looked really cool. However, My mind kept saying that I was not ready for this. Not even Miss Lynn knew that I dreamed this almost every night, but was really scared. I couldn't help reminding myself of it till the cold right seat of Miss Lynn's Toyota hit my bum.

 
 

 
 

     The drive through food made me realize how good my school dining room was. I was still just as nervous. I pulled my skirt down a little, again, making Miss Lynn smile at me in sympathy for the umpteenth time.

I threw most of the food away, I'm afraid, but then again, so did Miss Lynn. “We'll know not to try this place again.” She'd whispered.

Pulling out, she said. “I have to pop into the mall to replace some things in there. It will only take a minute, but I'd really appreciate it if you would come with me. The store has an exit to the outside and I'd feel a lot better if you came in. No one from the school will be in the store where I buy underwear, I promise you.”

I just knew it was a trap somehow, and I'm sure it showed on my face. I wanted to tell her that it really felt nice but I was still too afraid to say anything I didn't absolutely have to. I tried to take a couple of deep breaths.

“It really will be alright, Chris. You can stay in the car if you like and, if we can't find a place right next to the store and under the lights, I'll take us back to the school. I can get the stuff I need tomorrow if I have to. I just thought you might enjoy a little air.”

She was thoughtful while we drove a little way.

“Do you want me to take you back? I can run into my apartment to get some stuff, and take the makeup off, and you can go straight to your room?”

She was very patient with me.

“No.” I said a little breathy. “I'm sorry, I'm a little nervous but I'm not that nervous. You can stop at the mall.”

She just nodded, and didn't press me further.

“Oh, and Miss Lynn?”

“What is it, Chris?”

“Thank you. This is very nice of you. I know it's a big risk, and I wouldn't want you to do it again, because you could get into trouble, but I do appreciate it. It's something I've always dreamed about. I'll never forget it.”

She looked surprised for a moment and her voice was pretty soft too when she said. “It was my pleasure, Chris. I never imagined a god-awful fast food burger would be so important to you.”

She giggled just as soon as I did.

“So, Chris. Do you feel like talking? Student to Teacher, or Big sister to Little Sister? Your choice. I'm listening either way.”

“I'd like that.” I took a much deeper breath, and sighed it out slowly.

“You go first.” She said and she reached over to pat my hand as she turned to the main road that would take us north of the school, and to the large regional mall sited there.

“You said you'd done something like this for your little brother, Ma'am?”

“I did,” She said thoughtfully and pursed her lips. “I was kind of a geek all through junior high, and high school. Like most big sisters, I had a little brother that I thought must have been grown in a Petri dish.

"He had a lot more problems than you do. He was just about a year younger than you are now and, as you can imagine, I was working on the national geek award.”

I smiled a little, even though I tried not to.

“Laugh if you like, but you know it's true. Anyway about the time I discovered makeup and all things Girlie in my Junior year, I heard this news story about doctors in the UK finding distinct morphological differences in a transgendered person's brain. Well, being who I was, I started looking into it. I read what I could get my hands on at the public library and on the internet which back then was mostly one-person websites with a lot of bad information. None of the sites you could really trust but still interesting.

"It was about that time that I noticed that Tommy had a love of all things girly too.

"We were only about as close as average kids were, I suppose, and I have to say now, that I very much regret every time I ever hurt his feelings. It was easy to do, because he kind of worshiped me at that point, in the most annoying way possible.”

I had to ask. “Was he smart like you?”

She smiled and glanced over at me as she pulled up to the stop-line at a red light.

“No. I'd love to say yes, but I'm pretty sure I was a mutation. No one in my family, least of all my Mum and Dad, understood anything I'd say. Sometimes they'd listen politely for a while before they'd flick the channel with the remote, but no.” She sighed.

“In fact, I think that's in part why Tommy had a lot more problems than you do. He was not in as good a school mind you. He was not so lucky.

"Anyway, I suddenly realized one day, after walking into my room right behind him, what his problem was. He almost fell over looking at my things. I think he was a transvestite. He would get pretty excited over my things at that point, being about fifteen and always on the verge of out of control anyway. I just noticed before anyone else. Hence my experience with buying him his own under things.”

I felt embarrassed, but I'm pretty sure I understood.

“I helped him. I don't think it was enough, but I helped as much as I could, and kept him out of trouble till I went to college.”

“After that?”

She looked really reluctant now. “After that he was more on his own. Mum and Dad didn't understand. He made some mistakes, and got into some trouble, but he's better now. He lives far away in New York with some girl I don't really like, but he is taking care of himself now - finally.”

“It was good of you to help him.” I said. For a few moments there, I'd been afraid that I'd opened up some major hurt for her and, I supposed, I probably had but she was very much an adult and could handle it.

“He was lucky, Chris.” She said, accelerating as far as the next red light. “So what about you. Would you like to tell me what's going on with you? And while you are at it, please God, tell me I haven't gotten this all wrong because of my past experiences.”

She was smiling again.

She sounded so genuine in her worry. It helped to make me feel more like Big Sister, Little Sister. I think that's what made me feel best of all… I think.

“You weren't wrong.” I only whispered, but she heard me over the idle of the engine. If I'd breathed twice before doing so, she probably could not have over the engine as we pulled away yet again.

“Well, why not start with Titanic, Cinderella, Shakespeare in Love, Notting Hill… You and Mrs. Laurie are the only ones in that whole school who check out romantic movies every weekend.”

I smiled. “I know. Halloween week she found Roger's and Hammerstein's Cinderella, and I haven't been able to get it since.”

She smiled again as she finally cleared the last light.

“I don't know, I just like those movies, I guess.”

“Why?”

“Wow, you don't make it easy.” I sighed.

“I don't make it either way, Chris It can be as easy, or hard, as you like. If you are talking to your big sister here, then there is no worry if you get it right or wrong. Just tell me what you want to.”

“Okay. I like those movies because they make me cry.”

“Go on.” She said gently.

“When I watch them I can feel so much. I know what they are feeling. When one of the characters knows how much they want to be loved, and how much they want to be with someone, it's like what I want. They are just stories, but they make me feel a little better for a while. Except for the first time I watched Titanic. That made me feel wretched for a long time, but just the first time I saw it.” I sighed “I suppose that when I watch something that all the other guys like, such as 'Aliens' or 'Predator', I like them too. Especially anything Sci-Fi, but the other movies are different.”

“And what about the magazines, and books?”

“I suppose you don't mean the other science fiction?”

“No.” she smiled in a very reassuring way, before saying: “You little idiot, I'm gonna tell mom if you don't start talking.” she threatened, making me giggle in spite of my fear, while she looked over with a grin.

“I like looking at the girls…” I took a deep breath. “I love their clothes, but it's more. Those girls have the lives that I wish I could have more than anything. They look like they feel pretty, and they look so happy. They get to be models and people help them to look that way every day…”

“That would get old pretty quick for someone as smart as you.”

“Maybe, but it would sure be nice to just try.”

She nodded. We had reached the ramp down to the mall parking lot. Not as many folk as I expected, and we were silent until she found a place close to the store she wanted. A huge high-end department store that monopolized one whole end of the mall.

“You are very pretty. It's easy for you.” I whispered very softly again, so I'm not sure if she even heard that over the sound of the car.

“So you like the girls' clothes too?” she said turning off the car.

“Yes, but that's not the most important part… I don't know, really, but I think it may be how happy they look. It's like they know that someday someone might come along and love them and take care of them, and…”

“Chris, do you know the difference between a transvestite, and someone who is transgendered?”

“Not really. I do know that Transvestites are men who like to wear women's clothes. I suppose like me, if I ever got the chance.”

For several moments I could see her thinking, and was sure that she was going to ask about wearing my mother's clothes or something. I'd only done that once, not long before the incident in the pool. It was one of the things that had kept me up so many nights wondering if it had all been my fault. If she were to ask me about that, I'd probably tell her the whole thing. I already couldn't believe all the things that were coming out of my mouth. I never told anyone any of these things, but I just could not control it, and that scared me more than anything else did right now.

“If this is too personal Chris, I want you to tell me. Okay?”

I nodded.

“Does it excite you to think about wearing women's clothes? Sexy clothes?”

“Yes.”

“Really?” She asked bluntly.

Seems like I actually surprised her for the first time.

“Can you tell me a little, Chris?”

“I'm not sure. It does, a little, but I mostly just love the clothes and the idea of looking nice and even… sexy. Mostly because someone else thinks so. When I dream, I think more about having someone who thinks I look nice would be the nicest thing possible. I'd love to be able to do this with someone I love and who loved me, but mostly I just feel like me. I can't really explain it as much as I feel it in here.”

I didn't know how to go on. Fortunately she did.

“I understand, Chris. I really do. No need to explain further.”

She looked back at the mall doors for several moments in silent contemplation.

“I don't think I can help you as much as I'd like with what I'm about to suggest. For all kinds of reasons I should go to doctor Cross and explain what you've confided, but I won't."

Great, I thought. The school psychologist.

"You have to do that, Chris. I think that one day, very soon, you will have to explain all of this to your Mum and Dad as well. I know they may be M.I.A. now, and I'm having a hard time justifying that, but I've talked to them, and I believe they are basically pretty decent sorts. More importantly though, you need to get it off your chest for your own sake.”

I felt sick, but I could feel my head nodding also. That was all pretty obvious once someone else knew. It made it all seem bigger somehow. Farther from the norm. Like you can't ignore a little secret anymore, because it's not so little, or because it was no longer a secret.

“I know.” I said, finally.

“God, Chris. Please, don't feel so sad. I mean if they want to kill you, which I doubt, they're gonna have to come a long way to do it. I'm pretty sure we have rules to prevent such things at Saint Andrew's either way. In addition, Doctor Cross is a good man, Chris. I'm sure he'll help.”

I felt an almost smile, but I could only watch her now.

“I hope you really do know, Chris. I also want you to go to the library tomorrow, and look up those two words. Transvestite and transsexual. If I need to, I'll authorize special access, but I want you to understand them. It's important. Only you can really tell, but a good doctor can really help a lot, so I don't want you to dare try to freak on me.”

It seemed like a good idea.

“So what do you say? I'd love for you to come with me, but only if you would want to too. I promise I won't let anything happen to you. I know Judo, you'll recall.”

She made me feel a little chuckle again. I looked beyond her to the door as several women walked out, and then a man and a woman walked in. It looked awfully bright inside, but I suddenly felt only one way.

“I'd like to go.”

“Okay, but you need to promise me two things. Smile a little. That army jacket with that skirt looks really cute and stylish, but if you mope through that store, you're going to look like someone on the way to prison or something.”

I smiled.

“Excellent. That brings me to the second assignment. Leave your skirt alone. It looks adorable, especially with that army issue jacket, but it's already as adorable as it's ever going to get - so are you. Okay?”

I smiled and nodded as I deliberately smoothed the front of my… her skirt.

“Super! Let's go, Chrissy.” She teased as she moved us out.

“Actually that skirt looks really cute. It's always been one of my favorites, but it's way too short to wear around school, so actually I'm kind of pissed by how good it looks on you. I now understand why my friends always got so annoyed when their little sisters borrowed their clothes.”

I giggled as I walked to the door, taking every one of my butterflies along with me. I’d have thought at least one or two of them would want to stay behind, but no such luck. My tummy was too much fun apparently. I really wanted to reach out for Amy's hand, but I was afraid to do it. Instead, I just tried to smile just like she’d asked me to.

Just before we went through the door, she put her hand on my shoulder and whispered. “You should know that you look just like one of those girls in the magazines now, so let's just have fun little one.”

Of course I was really smiling, then, when I went through the doors.

 
 

 
 

     “How does it feel?” she asked.

“Great. A little scary but great.”

“That's not what I mean Chrissy.”

I looked confused.

“I mean, how do you like going into a girls' department, and looking at everything without feeling really, really, embarrassed!”

I giggled, as she took my hand, and headed for the underwear. She quickly picked up the things she needed, while pointing out all kinds of pretty things to me.

“This is more your color.”

“Really?”

“Yup. The rose color would be lovely on you. You have pretty fair skin, but it has some color too. The rose would look very pretty. White's usually best for girls without any tan, but black can be very pretty and practical too. I wear black a lot.”

“Really?”

“Oh, grow up, Chrissy.” We both really giggled.

She moved on to another rack, to look at some more feminine things. I realized that they were garters and cinchers and things I'd only seen in pictures.

On impulse, she pulled one out and held it up to me, making me freeze while trying to look around out of the corners of my eyes, even while I watched her in disbelief.

“Do you know what this is?”

“It's a corset?” I said feeling silly.

“See there. Book learner. That's a bustier. It's similar, but it doesn't have the strength that a corset does. Still, something like this would still help you try the blue dress, if I could ever afford it. Besides, it would have to be kept somewhere other than your room. Pretty hard to explain when the little animals are visiting and the dirty laundry fight breaks out.”

I raised my eyebrows, and nodded in agreement. I mean the guys were mostly pretty decent, but there were limits.

She picked up two packages off yet another table, showing me a full-length slip with a full skirt. It looked very expensive. “Here, we'll get this for you, so if you decide to wear a skirt for practice, at least this will make it work and feel much better.”

“You shouldn't, it's expensive, and I'll probably never…”

“Hush, Chrissy. Mom said you had to mind.” She grinned. “Besides, if Mrs. Pierce gets her way, you may actually need it. Are you ready to go?”

“I suppose.”

“Is there something you'd like to see?” She asked, giving me that look again, as if she was going to start counting the thoughts inside my head.

“Makeup?” I said, hoping not to sound too needy.

She laughed. “Come one.” She dragged me toward a cluster of counters in the center of the floor.

When I was busy looking at the counters, a very pretty blond girl a little younger than Miss Lynn snuck up on me.

“Can I help you, Miss? Were you looking for something in particular?”

She had one of those very pretty faces, with lots of makeup, even though it was all perfectly done. Because of that, and because I was still trying figure out how to respond to the 'Miss' thing, Miss Lynn answered for me before I looked completely brain damaged.

“We are just looking for some Christmas present ideas.”

“We've gotten in a lot of gift sets, in all price ranges. I'd be glad to show you, if you'd like.” She was really pretty, but her tone only told us it was just about an hour till quitting time. She wouldn't be glad at all.

Miss Lynn spoke up again. “No, thank you, Donna. We'll just be looking for a few minutes, but we'll call if we have any questions.”

Donna nodded and walked away holding her hands together in front of her.

“Thanks.” I said, feeling like I needed to catch my breath.

“Don't worry. The teenage girls in shopping malls frighten everyone.”

I began to scan the counters, and looking at colors and such. I was drawn to a lipstick display. I knew they had a lot of colors, and types, but I just couldn't believe they needed so many. I picked one up, when I caught sight of Miss Lynn grinning at me in the mirror on the counter. At first I was confused, when I remembered what she'd said about her girlfriend. I put the lipstick back, and she laughed.

Donna was back.

“That would look nice, but I think that this shade is a little better for what you have on now.” She showed it to me. I couldn't help but glancing back to see Miss Lynn raise her brows slightly, and nod her head in agreement as she too looked at the color.

“Would you like to try it?”

I was too stunned. It became very obvious that Donna was one of those girls who could probably make Bozo's makeup look good, even though she'd probably put too much on him too.

“I'm not sure…” I sounded like a little kid.

“It's nothing.” Donna said, walking around the counter. “I have a few more samples of this one left, so I can use a new one. Christine is an expensive brand, but they are worth it. Hold still, these things are too small…”

Before I could shy away, she had me by my face, and was putting the lipstick on me. I wanted to look at Miss Lynn, but the girl had my chin, and my eyes would only turn so far.

“There. If you'll look, I think that's also very nice for that outfit and your skin.”

I couldn't help but turn immediately at the mirror.

Amy moved up beside me to look in the mirror too, and nodded in clear approval.

“You can keep this little sample, if you like.” Donna said, looking interested for the first time.

I knew I should get away from the mirror, but I couldn't help myself.

“You have kits?” I heard someone whisper, who sounded a lot like me.

Donna was very interested now. “They are in a higher price range. My friends almost never buy their stuff, but they have really nice colors, and they work really well. All except for the foundation. It could cover dents in a car, but it's just too oily for me…”

I kept coming back to the two kits that she had pulled out. The first was the top of the line, and even though I had read everything I could get my hands on, I still had no idea what some of the things were. For near two hundred dollars, it probably had an instruction manual.

“… And of course, along with the colorless powdered foundations I showed you, which are much better for every day, I can also say that some of the new lash building mascaras are something anyone would like.”

Donna too was watching me, and feeling that her night might not be a complete waste, I was sure. I looked back for Miss Lynn, but she had moved for a moment to look at something in a jewelry counter.

“What is that perfume you are wearing?” She asked.

We were over at the perfume counter, when I saw Miss Lynn smiling at me, from across two counters. An older woman, in her thirties I'd say had just come over to ring her up. While Donna sprayed another scent on a small slip of paper, and waved it under my nose. It made me want to close my eyes and swoon. It was perfect.

“Here let me put it on your wrist, and we'll see if it smells as good on. I can't wear it at all, but on the right people… Hummm. Very nice.”

It was. I smelled my wrist carefully, and I couldn't believe how nice it smelled.

“Would you like me to get you a bottle? The small toilet water is only Fifty-two.” Donna asked, trying to close a sale.

I sniffed it again, making the bright lights along the counters seem to spin a little.

“Yes.” I could not help myself. “How much is that bottle. the middle one.”

“That's the cologne, at three ounces it's only a hundred and sixty-five.” Donna said, looking down at me with an odd expression. I don't know why, but I don't think I'd have liked it no matter how I was dressed.

“I'll take both.” I said, mostly because the cologne was just perfect.

“Very good.” She said, her expression still having a feel of disbelief.

“Will that be cash or charge?” She said, with both purple boxes in her hands, as she began to walk toward the counter.

“I have a card.” I said, unable to take my eyes off of her, as I began to fish it out of the little purse along with my ID.

“Will there be anything else?” She said not looking at me as she walked around a display, toward the register.

“Yes.” I felt myself say, even though my cheeks were burning.

Donna turned and looked at me.

“I'd like the makeup you showed me too.”

“Which one?” Donna asked.

“The big one you showed me. And I'll take the foundation and the mascara as well, if you don't mind.”

I knew I wanted it, more than anything, but I just didn't know what had come over me.

At first, Donna hesitated, but then she saw the color of the card in my hand. She moved to get the items, and I watched her pick up a tube of that lipstick as well.

When she came back. I handed her the card.

“Chris!” I heard Miss Lynn gasp right behind me. “What are you doing?”

She startled me, forcing me to look back at her. She did not look happy.

“Are you sure you don't want to look around first. It's only the first week of December, and I think…”

It only took the second time for her to glance at the card, before I realized what had her so upset.

“I'm sorry.” Donna said behind me, “Is this your father's? We can't accept cards from third parties anymore…” She did not look happy. She looked like she wanted to throw the card at me, but instead she looked like she'd slip it into the register.

Oh, man! She'd be so pissed about the sale, she'd probably call security!

I didn't know what else to do, except for what I had intended all along. “Here,” I said, handing her another card from the small stack, which was a pictured ID I had to carry. “The card belongs to me, but it is my father's account.”

I heard several noises behind me that I couldn't identify, but I couldn't tear my eyes away from Donna.

“Excuse me a moment.” Donna said, before walking over to the other woman with my card and ID. I couldn't look back, and tried to look as casual as possible, as I looked at the counter. I expected Amy to grab me from behind, but she never did.

They were coming.

“Chris?” The older woman asked, as she walked beside me.

“Yes, Ma'am. That's me.” I said as loudly as I could manage, which wasn't very loud at all.

“I just have to verify this card. I'm sure you realize that. Some years ago, my uncle used to hand me his card, and I'd go shopping wherever I wished. It's a different world now.” She smiled as she swiped the card.
“That's a cute skirt.”

“Thank you.”

She smiled at me, but her eyes were looking from me to Miss Lynn and back. I expected them to drift up to look at the cameras, but they never did.

From behind me. “She's just doing a little shopping…”

I could have sworn I heard “Damn it.” follow by “She,” or a hiss.

The little terminal blinked a little word: 'approved.'

The older woman smiled. “I'm Leslie, by the way"; she reached over the counter as she lay down a slip and a pen in front of me.

I signed.

“Thank you very much, Chris.” Leslie said with smile. I couldn't help but glance over at Donna who was just watching and trying not to stare at me too obviously. “Someone is going to have a nice Christmas. Please remember us if you need anything else. Donna is very good with colors and such, and we very much appreciate your business. We hope you'll come back soon.”

She took something out of the large bag that Donna was packing, and wrapped the cologne in two slips of tissue before putting the small items in a smaller bag on their own.

“Thank you, Ma'am. I will.” my voice sound so strangely normal, as I turned to go, but I was sure my face was almost as pink as some of the lipsticks.

No it wasn't. It wasn't as pale as Miss Lynn's either…

 
 

 
 

     “I 'm sorry.” I said, as we sat waiting for the arrow to turn out of the mall.

“You said you wouldn't freak out on me, Chris.” I couldn't even define the tone of her voice.

“I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. That girl…”

“Chris, you have nothing to prove to that girl.”

“I wanted the makeup too.”

“I hope it's for a Christmas present, Chris.” that sounded exasperated.

“Are you mad at me, Miss Lynn?” I could feel my eyes filling up. “I know you took a terrible risk, but I…”

She sighed very heavily, which frightened me.

“I'm not mad at you, Chris. I did that with my little brother, and I understand, but you have to be careful. Either one of those two could have caused problems, and you are right, I did take a terrible risk doing this. I could lose my job. I could even be put in jail if someone wanted to be a complete ass.”

I could see her counting to about a thousand.

“Chris. Listen to me, because this is very important. I believe that people should be able to be however it makes them feel best. I really, really do. Nevertheless, that does not alter the fact that you have to be very careful. You can't just do the same things like you've always done, not because it's not unfair, but because you always have to be careful because some other person may be freaked out.”

“I understand.”

“Do you really?” She asked, looking at me.

It was hard, but I looked her in the eye. “I really do. I didn't really think, but I really do understand. I'm sorry.”

“Okay.” She said, slowing to the lights again. It was almost like a dance, this part of the road, and it took her attention away from me for several seconds.

“How much did you spend?”

“Five hundred and sixty-seven.” I told her.

“You see! I keep forgetting you little buggers have more money in your piggy banks than my parents have in their house.” She still didn't look happy, but she didn't say anything else.

“Amy?” I said, deliberately trying to use her first name.

“Yes Chris?”

“I really am, sorry.”

“Don't worry about it.” She gave one of those deeper sighs, and shook her head. “I'm not mad at you. You can stop apologizing. I really do understand. I was sure you’d be a little nuts, but I just didn't realize it would be something so… high profile.”

“Will you get into trouble?”

She thought about that for a long time, which was even scarier than my lack of any kind of control.

“No.” she finally said.

She didn't offer further, and I didn't ask anything more.

It was later now, and in my wing, you could see several of the rooms had a television glow. That would be very unusual on a weekday, but it was more likely on a Friday. Given the season, most of the rooms were dark anyway.

“Here.” she said, handing me the package containing the slip, and a large bottle of makeup remover from her own bag. “You might as well carry these too. Consider the makeup remover my Christmas gift early. It's the one thing you forgot to buy.”

“Sor--”

“Sorry. I know, Chris. If those really are presents, then you can give it back to me.”

She looked at the door to the House. There were only about twenty rooms in my wing. The place looked dark.

“Do you want to come to my office, and I'll help you with the makeup?”

I looked toward where her office was, and there were way more lights there. That didn't mean that there were more people, but there might be someone there. In the wing where my room was, there were mostly single and double rooms, and I was pretty sure that no one was up there. I don't think there was anyone right near my room at all.

“No, Ma'am. I think it's best if I just go up.”

She looked. “I think so too. Would you like me to come?”

I shook my head, and opened the door as I dug in my purse for the cardkey that would open the door on this end of the wing.

I felt the stupidest impulse to scurry for the door, but I made up my mind to walk as normal as possible. The light in the car came on, and I instinctively pulled the door back toward me a little to turn it off and prevent anyone seeing from inside the dorm.

“Miss Lynn?”

“Are you sure you're okay, Chris?” She asked, putting a hand on my shoulder.

I nodded, I'm sure with my eyes looking like one of those anime Characters. “Thank you, Ma'am. I'll never…”

“I understand Chris. I just hope that everyone else does.”

On an impulse I couldn't believe, I leaned over to kiss her cheek.

She started to laugh, and reached up to click the switch on the courtesy light, before she lightly hit my shoulder.

“Go slow, and be quiet.” She said to me, as I got out with my bags.

“I will.”

I pulled my skirt down all the way to the door I’m afraid, where I paused for only a second before I swiped my cardkey. The green light and the click were immediate. Miss Lynn, I noticed, was still waiting to make sure I got in safely.

'Such a gentlemen', I thought, making myself giggle psychotically for just a moment before the fear of being caught reasserted itself. The psychotic giggles continued inside, only without the actual laughter until I had the feeling of the closed door to my room against my back. That allowed me to take my first deep breath for many minutes.

Across the room, I could see myself in the darkened window. “If you ever do that again, I’m going to need to practice your breathing.” The real giggle released the jumping in my middle.

Even though my legs felt as weak as they ever had, when I realized I was safe, it didn't feel better than when I went into the bathroom to stare into my mirror again.

Looking at the bags, forgotten right in my hand, made me feel odd in a different way. I’d never dreamed I’d actually have them, but here they were. It was a shock, but a nice shock that made me grin.

It felt a heck of a lot better than the makeup remover in my eye, which feels a little like fire before it turns to marching army ants. I thought the big bottle was to remove a lot, but girls probably spill most of it.

It was only ten, when I finished cleaning up, and I was used to being up much later than that on a Friday nights but I just had to lie down. I was feeling so tired suddenly. I just had to lie on my bed for a moment. As I tucked my arm under my cheek, I could smell the perfect perfume on my wrist… The dreams were perfect too.

 
 

 
 

My very special thanks to Geoff for his invaluable time and advice.

 
 
 
By

Sarah Lynn Morgan

[email protected]

 
 

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