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Sesame Street used to have a segment where they would say the the episode was brought to you by a letter of the alphabet, and would do all sorts of goofy things involving that letter (See, for example, the Beatles take-off, “Letter B.” Words of wisdom, sure enough).
So, today’s blog post is brought to you by the word “mattress.” There are lots of things that can be said about mattresses, and probably no small number have actually been said, in stories posted on this very site. Why, mattresses figure in lots of plot lines. Some, quite prominently.
But that’s not why today’s word is “mattress.” It appears in Chapter 14 of Always and Forever, though it really makes only a cameo appearance. Insignificant, really. Not like in some stories. It would be easy to overlook.
However, this instance of its use, by random chance, has special significance to me. Near as I can tell, it is the 500,000th word that I have posted in stories on this site. Which, for an insignificant and inanimate object, is kind of a cool thing.
So here’s to mattresses! May they always support us — and the ones we love! May they never grow tired and lumpy, even when we do! May the memory foam versions never forget us!
Hip, hip, hurray for mattresses!
Comments
Unsure how to comment on that
I’ll have to sleep on it.
Grateful and glad you & your stories are here.
Yay!
I knew you would not take this one lying down! Bru is your only dedicated rival in the Pun-ic Wars!
Thanks, Catherd. I am equality grateful and glad that you are here, with your ready wit and eagle-eye!
Emma
Missed sleepovers
And here I missed seeing this in a timely fashion in order to take full opportunity to puntificate! But my schedule this week is rather boxed in; spring visit from a friend is hogging the time. Nevertheless I shall take comfort, err or at least solace, in adding some blanket statements of my own to double down anyway. Hopefully such will not be a painful pill (ow) to swallow, even if I'm too late to be in the running for head of the board, or even becoming a queen of such activities...as the dust from such ruffling may have already settled on this high-count thread. Please forgive if I can't help but pad it out by folding in a few more as I'm on vacation, and therefore a bit loopy though I'm not yet four sheets to the wind! :)
Showdown!
SCENE: The camera pans slowly around a dimly lit dojo. The walls are lined with martial implements and an entire set of the Unabridged Oxford English Dictionary. Three figures stand in an equilateral triangle on a well-worn tatami mat, relaxed, but watchful. They bow, one to the other. “Bru,” says the first figure. “Catherd,” says the next. The final figure flares a remarkable set of six wings. “Erisian.”
CUE NARRATOR (baritone, sounding serious): “I am a Watcher, part of a secret society of men and women who observe and record, but never interfere. We know the truth about Punsters: In the end, there can be only one.”
CUE QUEEN, Princes of the Universe.
Emma
Mistake?
I think you made a mistake when writing this comment.
Instead of "The walls are lined with martial implements and an entire set of the Unabridged Oxford English Dictionary", shouldn't it be "The walls are lined with martial implements such as an entire set of the Unabridged Oxford English Dictionary"?
Bru
Former student of Judo and Kendo who gave it all up for the much more exacting classical ballet.
Concedo!
Your comment, dear Bru, is entirely en pointe. I stand corrected! Other martial implements include Roget’s Thesaurus, Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations, and, of course, the 1911 Encyclopedia Britannica. My kind of dojo!
Emma
One implement is sorely
One implement is sorely missing: the Ultra-Complete Maximegalon Dictionary of Every Language Ever. ;-) Strangely enough, the dictionary omits the word "floopily".
hurray for Zem!
(you have to be a Hitchhiker's guide fan to know about that one )
For ALL Zems, really.
Because all Squornshellous Zeta mattresses are named Zem. “Some of us get killed . . . but we never know which!”
Emma
Here's to simple pleasures
Since it is almost midnight, ill go visit mine.
Ron
Amen, Ron!
I hoped it served you well!
Emma
Dog kennels
If Mr. Lambert puts a bag over his head I'm not standing in the tea chest again!
But you HAVE to, Jenn!
The lyrics are compelling! “Pleasant pastures!” “Dark, Satanic Mills” (a personal favorite, I must say)! “Arrows of desire!!” C’mon!! Once more, with feeling!
Emma
Back Off the Cookies and Milk
Emma my love if you know exactly how many words you have written up to and including "mattress", you outed yourself. From the following take your pick.
!: You are an accountant
2: You are a bag man for the mafia
3: You are a lawyer with impeccable filing skills worthy of Supreme Court Justice apprentice
4: You work for the IRS and got bored sending out audit letters
5: You're an alien and forgot humans don't think like that (the story wrote was an autobiography)
I am wearing my aluminum foil hat so you can't zap my brain.
Hugs Emma, lay off the cookies, sugar high!
Barb
I was researching alien life forms and this site was mentioned as a hot spot
Oklahoma born and raised cowgirl
Oh, no, no!
No, see, you just thought I was OCD (parenthetically, I get the OC part, but I don’t understand the “D.” Makes no sense to me). Have a look at Eric’s opus below, understand that I’m truly a simple soul, and pass the damned cookies!
Emma
More About 'Mattress' ...
The Search function here indicates that the word has appeared in 1584 posts on the site, 1542 of them fiction. LadyDragon leads the way with 57 posts, followed by Angharad (43), Bailey Summers (42) and Michele Nylons (40 -- 39 of which are marked "explicit content" -- the only "mattress" author in double figures in that category). In all, 35 bylines here have used "mattress" ten times or more; Emma's not one of them.
Using postings that included the word "the" as a surrogate for total postings -- the function wouldn't let me use "a" -- "mattress" has appeared in 2.01% of 78,776 postings here, and 3.11% of 47,969 shown as fiction. On the fiction list, LadyDragon, at 3.13%, is right at the average; Bailey's at 3.67%, Angharad well below at 1.15%. Michele's at 15.74%.
Our other authors with more than 500 fiction postings: Maddy Bell (12/1144, 1.04%), Drea DiMaggio (10/1107, 0.90%), Cyclist (12/1085, 1.11%), Beverly Taff (23/663, 3.46%) and Dorothy Colleen (3/610, 0.49%).
Emma? 1.37% on 5/364.
SammyC (1/45, 2.22%) will tell you that this is what happens when you turn a baseball stat guy with time to kill loose on a post like Emma's ...
Eric
I am not worthy!
As God is my witness, I’ll never try math again!
Hysterical, Eric! I’m actually not displeased to be below average in the mattress department. Don’t get me wrong, I like a steamy scene from time to time, but it’s not exactly my bread-and-butter.
Mixed metaphor alert!
Emma
I honestly don't think I've used the word
what that says about my writing (other than how frustratingly short it is), I am not sure
I suppose it DOES say something about your writing
You don't go to the mattresses!
Me?
I haven't used a mattress either. In my writing, that is. Otherwise it would be rather uncomfortable.
Given the length of my stories it more shortsheeting.
Twofer!
Double puns in one post! Watch out — Eric may run an analysis!
Emma
It might mean . . .
. . . that you prefer to talk about beds, as opposed to their constituent parts? :D
Emma
Almost...
The search function had you with three, but one of them (Help! My Girlfriend is a Unicorn - Chapter 8) was in a reader's comment on your story and another was in one of PersnicketyBitch's anthologies (Irresistible, Kissable: A TG Mixed Tape), and the two stories there that included it weren't yours.
That leaves just one, and the story (Better a Millstone) certainly isn't typical of your work.
Eric
Let me tell ya...
This is what happens when you turn a baseball stat guy with time to kill loose on a post like Emma's.
Is there an echo in the room?
Hope you're doing well, Eric. Evie Rivers says hello.
Sammy
Evie Rivers Stats
Eric should compile data on Evie’s LA batting stats. Since her arrival, how many different things has she tried, and what’s her AVE, BB, SB, OBP and OPS? Tell you what, she’s looking like an All Star!
Emma
Actually
It's probably a mis-spelling of "mistress". They're both things you lie on top of (mostly).
Given the number of BDSM stories
I'm sure you'll find that more often than not it's the mistress who's on top 'round these parts.
*hugs*
Melanie E.
Hmmmm . . . .
I’m substituting “mistress” for “mattress” in my mind, seeing how it works in various contexts. U.S. big-box stores “Mistress World” and “Mistress Firm” sound intriguing, and Carol Burnett’s classic parody of the Princess and the Pea would become “Once Upon a Mistress.”
Oh, this just gets better and better!
Emma
Lets
Not say anything. I was an adult when it came out, no reason to revive it now.
"Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.”
George Carlin