Thirty-seven years ago I had just finished a vigorous workout at my club. A friend mentioned that he'd just had lunch with a mutual friend neither of us had seen in several years. That friend had been out of work for over a year and was going back to school to complete his PHD.
I had just started a company and hired that out of work friend, giving him ten percent of the shares in the new business. Three years later he conspired with five other people to steal my business. In the process they tried to publicly humiliate me and destroy my ability to make a living. Those of you who are old enough to remember Tiananmen Square might be surprised that the story they planted about me in the paper was the top story of the day and not what happened in China.
They almost succeeded in ruining me. The setback cost my many $millions, but in three years I had created a new, larger and more profitable business.
Each of the other conspirators had clear motives for what they did. I've never been able to understand his motives. I have not seen him or heard from him in decades.
Last night I had some time on my hands and did a Google search on him. Imagine my surprise to find out that his funeral was last Tuesday.
I just spent a wonderful Christmas with my family. I want for nothing. Yet, there's a part of me that is rejoicing today in that his obituary paints a picture of a man who did very little with his life after his treachery.
Does my happy-dance reaction to his obit make me a bad person?
Jill
Comments
Happy dance? Snoopy comes to mind.
The obvious answer to your question is that it makes you human.
As for the paper - if it wasn't a national paper I'm not surprised at all. The cube of the distance factor coming into play as usual.
Human. . .But Not Humane
Very much Snoopy. Later on today I'll probably down a few Root Beers and dance my feet off to big band music!
I've never been able to forgive him because I don't know why he did it. Today, for the first time, I realize that promises may have been made to him. One of the other conspirators had been duped. It's possible he was as well. Maybe I'll go with that. I can forgive him for being a fool.
Two of the conspirators doubled their incomes. One had been promised he would be the CEO once they ousted me and was hoodwinked. One became a congressman as his reward. The other did get to be CEO but was fired within the year for sexual assault of an employee.
I've mentally forgiven all of those for being weak human beings.
Jill
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
As the old saying goes……
You reap what you sow. Apparently, your “friend” chose poorly, not meaning to mix my metaphor with a movie quote, lol.
I’m glad everything worked out for you in the end.
D. Eden
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus
He Lacked Heart
Perhaps he saw which way the political winds were blowing and lacked the courage to stand and fight. Again, I can forgive him for being a coward. We're all cowards to some degree. If a person has never been a coward, it might be because he hasn''t been tested.
Jill
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
At the Same Time
During the same period I went through my public humiliation, I watched another person caught up in similar circumstances.
He "solved" his problems by sitting at a bar every day and drinking himself into oblivion. I vowed never to let that happen to me.
Jill
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Rejoice not in the suffering of another.
I can support the feeling of relief that he can no longer hurt you. And, I would have to stifle feelings of happiness at his death in spite of the fact that my personal belief system prohibits that. I'm glad that you recovered from his treachery.
Gwen
A different question
Did your reaction cause anyone harm?
Perfect People
Perfect people don't exist. To feel relief or even some joy about the demise of someone that has caused pain and suffering is just human. Thought crime isn't a thing, lots of people think lots of things that they would never act upon or put in public for general consumption. You're feelings are just that, your feelings.
Allow yourself this period of relief, heal as much as you can from that revelation and do the best thing you can do... which is enjoy your life despite that crap that was pulled on you.
There are a few people that I
There are a few people that I'll be happy to dance on theirs graves after they are screwed into the ground. So, don't feel bad about your happy-dance.
Gratitude
I once worked for a boss who said that gratitude was the shortest-lived of human emotions. Your recently-deceased "friend" proved that axiom. I think you have/had every right to be both aggrieved and to hold a grudge. Here was someone down on their luck to whom you offered a lifeline and they betrayed you in the dirtiest possible way.
A little dance on their grave was totally justifiable in my opinion. Occasionally you encounter an individual who deserves it. I can think of a few who I've met during my lifetime.
He Will be Judged
Heard the bible quote often enough from those who are evil or wrong. Matthew 7:1-3 The thing is one isn't judging just because we don't like someone or what they have done. In all my years never has anyone accused me of judging if I praised someone or like them. It is always when I don't like someone or don't approve of what they are doing or have done.
There are a few who have passed on and I was glad they no longer were on this mortal plane to do what they had been doing. In a few instances they didn't die soon enough. Does that make me an evil person? Not hardly unless one wishes to claim God is evil for smiting all the evil He destroyed so far. I didn't make them do what they did nor did I terminate them. It's not in my power to judge anyone nor forgive them for their sins. I may forgive them for what they had done to me, but that has taken years until time and age put them so far in the past they no longer mattered. What they stole from me and mine wasn't mine. I'm only a caretaker here. No material things are coming with me when my time comes. When one steals, they steal from God. My Father is the only one who will judge me. I hope I get a passing grade.
Jill what you feel and think is up to you. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or the way they feel about evil done to them. The only advice I offer is don't carry hate in your soul. Hate is an insidious poison destroying the one who carries it rather than the one it is directed toward.
Hugs Jill
.
Oklahoma born and raised cowgirl
You feel what you feel
I am not you, nor you I. We are all different and can even feel different depending on may factors. In the end, sometimes it is just enough to outlast and outlive your enemies /hugs
ps Wanted to say "I feel with my hands" but didn't want to be sent to the car again /smirk
The heart goes where the heart goes
I don’t have much wisdom to add to the thoughts others have left, or your responses. We can’t help how we feel about things. And anger — especially righteous anger at a personal betrayal — is a very normal emotion.
Real forgiveness, the type that brings peace to your own heart, comes, if at all, in its own time. There is no reason that time can’t be now, or later. Reconciliation with the other person is a wholly separate issue, and often isn’t either possible or desirable. Sounds like that was true even while he was alive.
The tragedy is when people hold their grievance so tightly that it consumes their life and and devours them. I’ve seen it happen and it’s terrible. It didn’t happen to you, though. If it had, you would not have lived the successful life you have had — much less written wonderful stories and participated so fully in the life of this community.
Schadenfreude isn’t one of the seven deadly sins. Forgive the one who hurt you if you are able, but spare some forgiveness for yourself.
Much love,
— Emma
Celebration is in order, I'd say
When the most negative person in my life died, I felt a sense of relief. No sorrow, no regrets, no guilt. I was happy that they were no longer able to do ill to me and to the people I cared about.
(This person is not featured in any of my stories, btw.)
There was a tragi-comical twist to their life: I read a "what I'm up to now" piece in our alumni newsletter. It was mostly cheery, upbeat, and informative, but managed to include a strange handful of lines in which he talked about only eating food that he'd prepared himself. It strongly suggested that he'd developed a paranoic fear of being poisoned. At first I gaped. Then I laughed. Then I read it three more times and asked someone else if they saw what I saw. They did.
A delicious phrase I saw in one of the recent 1/6 transcripts: "I am a Christian woman, so I will say that X is liar and an opportunist." It was kind of like that for me.
As to motivations: In my ex-friend's case, I'm sure his motivation was power and greed.
In your ex-friend's case? It's unfortunate that he left you with a mystery, but it's possible he was one of those people who resent having to accept help. It does take a little humility, more than some folks can manage.
Congratulations!
- iolanthe
Feelings & Forgiveness ...
We feel what we feel ...
Our feelings may feel tangled up, ambiguous, confusing, ... whatever.
But adding 'should' (from ourselves or others) just tangles us up even worse.
(From 'the East') Sometimes we have to 'just sit' with our feelings. Have some tea, light an incense stick, heck, set a kitchen timer, and sit ... One 'special feeing' though, is Anger. Acting on Anger is almost always a Very Bad Idea, also Anger may have fear underneath, For you, all those years back, fear of losing income, fear of losing reputation, many more.
So yeah, feelings are all tangled up, and other feelings also come up ... sigh. I think that's way feelings are. So have some more tea ...
---
We do forgiveness for ourselves, not For the other person (They need never know, or can't know 'cuz yours is dead.) Not to get all lovey-dovey, not to forget they are/were dangerous, not to forget the lessons learned.
We do it to drop the hate, anger, the burden of carrying around all the baggage.
Use this idea: They hurt and angered you, and you pick up a big rock saying "Next time I see them, I'm gonna bash them with this rock." And then you carry that big rock around everywhere. You even carry the rock into bed with your Beloved ...
Forgiveness is throwing away the rock. Stop carrying it. You don't need it anymore ... Big Relief, eh?)
Excellent Suggestion
Thanks.
Jill
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
No.
It's not always what we think or feel that determines if we are a good or bad person: it's what we do with that information.
You didn't dedicate your life to petty revenge. You didn't spend it hoping to ruin those who ruined you. You didn't spend it seeking ways to pass the cruelty that was shown you on to others.
You spent your life working to make things better for people, in the ways you knew how. Lifting up those you could, even as your own success continued to grow.
You didn't fly out to dance on his grave. You didn't cheer for the pain those who were close to him likely felt at his passing.
No. You felt validated that all the good, all the ways you tried to BE a good person in life, were justified, and that greed, at least in this one instance, seems not to have won out.
There's an old saying: "to err is human; to forgive, divine." The problem with that saying is twofold: one, its typical usage is intended to imply that both erring and being human are negatives, and two, anyone who's read the bible should realize that even the divine err and have their flaws. Throughout the old testament God falls short of overcoming most if not all the Seven Deadly Sins themselves, from jealousy (right at the top of the Ten Commandments, "You Shall Have No Other God Before Me,") to wrath (the great flood,) to greed (demanding sacrifices.)
So, it's okay to feel what you feel, arguably even *moreso* because you question it.
*hugs*
Melanie E.
No. You are not a bad person.
You live your own life and most importantly, you have to believe in your own thoughts and actions. If you believe you acted honorably and did nothing wrong, other people may associate you with the failings of those around you, but that is wrong. You should feel comfortable that you handled yourself and your own business and family. Your partner acted dishonorably and never asked for forgiveness. They were wrong.
The happy dance is an outlet of relief that they can harm you no more either in your own eyes or in the eyes of others. You hadn't thought of them in years and then realized, "Thank God, i don't have to worry about them anymore."
People were dancing around the world when Hitler died. They didn't kill him personally and most were not directly impacted by him. However, they felt relief that he was out of their lives and could never hurt others or hurt them anymore. They had a right to be happy and celebrate.
The Happy-dance was the right reaction.
DD
Schadenfreude is never a good look
I'm glad for you that you survived, overcame and outlived the adversity posed to you. Humility, though, is always appropriate.
Joy at overcoming; sadness at the failure of your erstwhile friend to likewise overcome; recognition of the fragility of human spirit; anger at their weakness and betrayal; gratitude that you have what it took to put yourself in a position of being able to look back on this from strength and success rather than weakness and victimization.
Sadness at being unable to confront and achieve resolution.
I pray you find peace in the fact that while questions may remain with you, it is ultimately a part of your past and not your future.
Love and hugs,
-- Mischief --