Paranoia about going out in public

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I went away for my last "fishing trip" of the year this weekend. I do actually go fishing, but the main reason I go is to have time as Leeanna. The memories I have let me cope with not being who I want to be.

After my mother helping me and pushing me the last time. She wanted us to go into the bar on the site. I refused. I just went for a short walk in the dark with her. She told me not to wear red lipstick and keep my makeup understated. She also told me not to use the red wig I have.

I went for a plain look. I just wanted to look like an older lady out for a walk.

This time I was alone and I dressed as soon as I arrived. I went for a 2 mile walk along the seafront. I was so nervous, I crossed the road every time I saw someone. Eventually, this was not an option. After passing a few people, and not getting a second glance my confidence grew

My paranoia comes from looking in the mirror and still seeing the male me staring back. I never feel I can pass. I always think I look to male.
Is this the same with anyone else? I just think everybody is looking at me, yet I know most people are too wrapped up in their own lives to care.

Either people don't care, or unless you look really obvious, you won't get a second look. On Saturday it rained most of the day, so I stayed as Leeanna all day. I painted my nails and went out during the day. I didn't last long, as my umbrella blew inside out ( had to visit the ladies loo to sort it out) and my skirt kept blowing up.

Just being myself all day felt wonderful. Stuck as the guy version of me until March now. Still have some nice pictures to remind me. .

This was after my first walk on Friday evening.

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This was the second day before I went out.

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This is when I got back looking windswept.

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Comments

Its only paranoia

Maddy Bell's picture

when they aren't out to get you!

The best way to blend in is to look as much like the rest as possible, in 21st Century Britain most women don't wear skirts/dresses on a daily basis, some sort of trousers/leggings are the everyday uniform for women from 18 to 70! And make up, well most women over 25 don't wear any unless its 'an occasion'. As for hair, its a wonder all those salons survive.

Of course there are some women who do wear frocks, makeup and do something with their hair, you can be one of those but expect to get some attention and of course, keep it simple, its very easy to go from well presented to drag queen with just a swipe of glittery eye shadow!

Your other alternative (if you don't want to stand out as a 'tranny', is to take the bull by the horns and make your own style, yes i know its easier said than done and finding 'you' may take some time but if they think your 'weird' for dressing Rockabilly or Goth or, well take your pick, it deflects from the rest.

We probably all worry about how we look far too much, from my observations, most women dress like slobs most of the time.

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Back in the summer on a trip to Sweden, yep thats really my hair!


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Madeline Anafrid Bell

Thanks Madeline. I have to

leeanna19's picture

Thanks Madeline. I have to wear some concealer and foundation to hide my shadow. As I get older most of my hair growth is slow now. My beard still grows quickly. Although recently I have noticed a really good shave makes me a lot smoother, I turned 60 last week. Daft thing is I look younger as a woman than as a guy.

I hope to be a bit braver next time. I hope they aren't out to get me. Where you say " most women dress like slobs most of the time." I was sort of going for that look, plain. Long skirt, thick black tights and flat shoes.

I know not to fall into the typical trap of mini skirt, drag makeup, bright blond wig etc. Then wondering why the 6ft 3 crossdresser is being stared at. I am 5ft 9 , so do not look too tall in flat shoes.

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Leeanna

Passing is overrated

Patricia Marie Allen's picture

I'll start by saying that the pics you posted are great. Knowing who you are allows me to see the "male", but you look easily as good, if not better than I do.

I used to worry about passing and as a result, I didn't... or at least I didn't think I did. I remember an occasion when I first developed the attitude that I didn't care what people think and would go out anyway. My wife (who is very aware of my trans nature - though not embracing of it) were on vacation at the beach. I told her I wanted to get dressed and go for a walk on the beach. She said to go ahead, but to find some place besides right in front of the motel we were in.

So I dressed in a grey turtleneck sweater and mid calf, navy blue culottes together with some navy flats. I drove down the coast about a quarter of a mile and found the next beach access. I was feeling a bit rebellious and walked back toward the motel. For this next part remember, my wife saw what I was wearing. Who should I see walking toward me on the beach, but my wife. She has a habit of looking for interesting shells as she strolls along the wet sand near the water. I moved away from the water about ten feet and kept walking. She passed me by without acknowledging me. When I reached a creek just North of our motel, I walked back toward where I was parked. Again, I passed by her about ten feet or less away. When were were back at the motel, I waited for her to say something about me coming back toward the motel, but she didn't. A little while later, we went for a walk together (me back in drab) and as I noticed my foot prints (everyone else wore more practical shoes so my flats left unique prints) I brought up the subject and she said she didn't believe that I had walked that close to her without her noticing. When I pointed out my footprints, she said those could have been left by cowboy boots.

Now I ask you; did I pass?

I've since quit worrying altogether about passing. I go out en femme often, interact with many people ranging from checkers at the grocery store to other customers in establishments I go to. I even use the women's room when other women are in there. All without notice. Now I'm not so gullible that I believe that everyone who sees me believes me to be genetically female, but everyone I've come in contact with in the past 20 or so years has accepted me as I was presenting in and out of the restroom.

Being accepted trumps passing any day. If your goal is to pass then you spend a good portion of your time worrying about being read. But if your goal is to be accepted, then whether people see you as a woman or a cross-dresser and accept you either way is great.

These days with transgender being in the forefront, most people don't really care either way.

Hugs
Patricia

Happiness is being all dressed up and HAVING some place to go.
Semper in femineo gerunt
Ich bin eine Mann

Thank you Patricia, my

leeanna19's picture

Thank you Patricia, my mothers name too btw.

I want to get to the stage where I am confident to just go for a walk during the day. I am very good a voices and accents I used to fool guys at work with my female Scottish accent. No, it didn't sound like Mrs. Doubtfire. I know if I tried to use it I would just mumble with nerves. I think if I get to go out with my mother a few times I will be less nervous. She wants to do more with her daughter next year.

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Leeanna

Full on Disguise

Lately I wear a pretty head covering and a covid mask. My skirt is floor length and my sleeves are long, like a Muslim woman. So far, I go where I wish, when I wish. In the summer, on my upright eBike with a helmet on top of a pretty head covering under it, I wear leggings and a bike skirt along with sun resistant long sleeve tops. I've been doing all this since 2004 and have gotten used to it.

Wear a loose coat

Angharad's picture

It disguises body shape, ignore any remarks by others, avoid heavy makeup, avoid gangs of youths or girls. Walking after dark makes it easier to be attacked, hence most women don't do it. Try to look confident as if you have a right to be there, look people in the eye unless they are looking to attack you, wear reasonable shoes. It's difficult to run in heels and also to walk after a while, plus you are more likely to fall or twist an ankle. Stand upright and avoid slouching or appearing 'guilty', if you have to do something go straight to it don't loiter it attracts attention. Good luck, remember if you are visiting somewhere it doesn't matter if you're read, you may never go there again.

Angharad

Angharad is right...

Never look guilty or embarrassed, look people in the eye and don't be afraid to smile - when appropriate: i.e. NOT at men unless you are already in conversation with them. The same as most women would do to not invite trouble.

If you behave in a way that sends signals that you are completely comfortable being wherever you are then people will accept that - even if you get read. Obviously men in bars or where there are not plenty of people around is a risk that most women know to avoid - unless they are inviting them.

Act guilty and people will assume you are guilty of something.

Alison

I did most of those things.

leeanna19's picture

I did most of those things. The first evening it was a well lit seafront. Flat shoes, as wearing heels makes me a little too tall. Basic makeup. I looked ahead made fleeting eye contact. What made me more confident was no one stared, just disinterest as you would when you pass any unremarkable person. That was what I was hoping.

Nothing to see here

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Leeanna

Perfection WIll Never Come

BarbieLee's picture

Acceptance will come. Only when one accepts themself will a comfort zone be found. Pain and rejection isn't found necessarily in a dress or skirt. It would shock me to find someone, anyone who wasn't belittled, hazed, maybe in a fight or two in their life. So were we wearing a dress or skirt to invite the abuse back then?
Hugs Leeanna
Barb
Life is a gift, don't waste it looking for perfection in themselves. Accept yourself. One doesn't need the world to accept them..

Oklahoma born and raised cowgirl

No 1 is looking

that close these days, you look passable in my book. I have seen G G who look way more masculine. Go have a good time just be careful.

Thank you. I have been

leeanna19's picture

Thank you. I have been looking the last few days. I realised how many older women wear no makeup or make any effort (their choice) Without makeup some do look quite masculine. Especially with short hair and little too much weight. ( I'm no light weight myself)

I think my fear is I know my face and for 60 years a man has stared back out of the mirror. All I see is a slightly smoother me. Although when I first showed my mother some face pics 6 months ago she refused to believe it was me.

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Leeanna

Androgynous

Patricia Marie Allen's picture

I've found that the older I get the more androgynous my appearance is. I've let my hair grow past my shouldera and wear it with the sides pinned back at the crown with an small barrette. I've also taken to wearing breast forms (I'd have my breasts augmented but my wife is dead set against it) 24/7; even when I butch it up so people will think I'm an average male. I say "butch it up" because I don't own any men's clothes. I do have women's clothes that can appear to be men's... jeans polo shirts and Oxford shirts etc.

My androgynous look has gotten so far that twice while dressed from the butch side of my wardrobe and wearing no make up, people have assumed I'm a woman. This even after I talk to them in my not so feminine voice.

Hugs
Patricia

Happiness is being all dressed up and HAVING some place to go.
Semper in femineo gerunt
Ich bin eine Mann

It is a sad truth. Most older

leeanna19's picture

It is a sad truth. Most older women are almost invisible. Attractive women get people looking. Plain and older women not so much. O never noticed until recently. Most women you see in the street(not near offices or places of work) Do not wear makeup.

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Leeanna