This is a report I wrote up a long time ago, about a real life camp I'd gone to, that was specifically for adults (both male and female) who felt like little girls inside. I hope it's okay to post that memory here. It's very special to me, and I just wanted to share it with my friends at BCTS.

It took me a while to put together this camp report. Part of the problem had been I had lots of memories, but the gaps in the story can make it feel disjointed. It might help if you think of this as diary entries of what I was experiencing from moment to moment rather than a traditional report.

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Tuesday
I've packed and repacked everything, but I still wander around the house, picking up items here and there and tossing them into my already stuffed luggage. The butterflies in my stomach feel like they're having a roller derby. I glance at the clock. Time to go! I toss whatever I'm holding into a bag, zip everything up, pull on my hello kitty backpack, slip the strap to my dress bag over my head and drag the duffel bag out the door.

The duffel bag clicks and clacks as its tiny plastic wheels bump over the cracks in the sidewalk. It's only been a few minutes since I locked the door to my apartment and wrestled my way out of the security gate, but I'm already feeling homesick. My sweetie hugged and kissed me this morning and told me to be good and make sure I ate right. I'm wishing I could have given her another hug and kiss before leaving. The note I left for her on the couch can hardly say how much I'm going to miss her. Still, I know her and she knows me. I think that's enough for her to know what those words really mean.

It's a little bit past rush hour at the Powell BART station, but there's still lots of people coming up the escalator. I'm standing near the ticket booth, scanning all the faces as the crowds climb up out of the subway. Finally, I see her; It's Aunt Holly! Torn between guarding my luggage and wanting to run over to her, I finally close the gap as she walks over to me and give her a big hug. It really hasn't been that long since the last time I'd seen her, but I still missed her.

Limbo ... that's what this hotel feels like. I'm not home and I'm not at camp. I hope the light I left on in the bathroom doesn't keep Aunt Holly up. It's been a busy and confusing night at the airport. We've only got a few hours to rest before we need to rush off into the chilly pre-dawn morning and tumble into the courtesy shuttle. But right now I'm lying in an unfamiliar bed, snuggled under the warm covers, and wishing I could fall asleep.

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Wednesday
I'm sitting at a tiny table with Aunt Holly in a food court at the Denver airport, munching on kentucky fried popcorn chicken nuggets. I can hardly believe I'm already halfway to camp! I've been so excited, everything I drink seems to go right through me. I look at my nearly empty cup of soda and wonder if Aunt Holly will believe I have to go again.

Gaaaah ha haaa! I love our flight attendant. If I weren't already strapped in, I'm sure I'd be rolling in the aisle by now. I can barely catch my breath from laughing so hard at her silly antics and the goofy faces she's making as she goes through the pre-take-off safety instructions.

The road we're riding down is pitch black. The headlights give glimpses of the narrow road and the trunks of the trees around us. I don't see anything that looks like camp, but the tiny red arrow moving around on the monitor of the laptop warming my legs insists we're on Mount Nebo Road. I hate the cold, shaky feeling of being lost.

Lights! Just as we're turning a bend in the road, I see a string of yellow lights peeking through the trees. Next I see the main lodge, brightly lit and full of little girls. Hello Rainbow Mountain and Little Girl Camp! I can barely wait for Aunt Holly to park so I can run inside and give everyone a hug.

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Thursday
The birds in the trees all around me are twittering and chirping their greetings to the sunrise. The pond before me is bubbling like a giant glass of dark green soda. I feel a bit guilty as I raise my ocarina to my lips, but I'd been looking for someplace to say hello to camp, and this feels like where I'm supposed to be.

I start playing softly, trying not to intrude too much on the music already surrounding me. The forest seems to accept my clumsy attempts with good humor and grace. Surprise and wonder make me forget my shyness, and I begin wandering through something light and playful. A cool breeze comes down out of the distant trees and ripples across the pond. Its touch is gentle when it brushes my cheek. Camp has said hello back.

Late morning (or is it early afternoon?) sunshine warms my bare legs, arms, and face. The wind ripples through my hair as I swing up and try to touch the sky with my toes. Fairy puffs (someone said they were some sort of seedlings or something like that, but I like my name better) float up the hill and dance around me and the other girls playing on the swings and the seesaw. I'm so glad the weather report was wrong about it raining today. Otherwise, I might have missed out on the magic of this moment.

I'm late! At least, I think I am. I'd forgotten to put my watch on when I'd changed into the ballet outfit Alice had let me borrow. As I race down the steps behind the lodge, I look up and see someone near the entrance to where we're going to be having our class. Just as I'm wondering where everyone else is, I miss a step and the world slips out from under me.

A pretty girl with rainbow hair is looking over me. Kirsty's frightened expression makes me wonder if I'm worse than I feel. I decide not to look at where my knee and hand are burning. My shoulder aches something awful. I cradle my arm against my ribcage, and then remember my hand and pull it away. I feel dizzy when I see the blotch of red on the pretty outfit I had borrowed and quickly look away.

I'm surrounded by love. Even with the pain I'm feeling, love is what I feel the most. It seems as if everyone at camp is somewhere nearby. Some people cleaning and bandaging my scrapes. Some are running into town for supplies. Some are taking turns holding ice against my shoulder. Some are talking to me or making me laugh. Others are standing nearby, making me feel safe and protected. I feel so lucky to be surrounded by so many wonderful people.

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Friday
Even though I'm too sore to join the ballet class, I'd been invited to come in anyways. I'm sitting in a chair near the wall, wishing I could be standing with the rest of the class. Richelle's bear, Persimons (I hope I got her name right), is in my arms. She whispers in my ear, asking me to help her move her legs like the other girls in the class. Helping her makes me feel more like I'm almost a part of the class. For someone with a head stuffed with fluff (as Winnie the Pooh might say), bears can be pretty smart.

Cool sweetness slides down my throat like a sudden rush of snowmelt sweeping into a dusty, dried up creek bed. As much fun as the hike had been, it's a relief to be able to stop, relax, and enjoy the juice boxes Uncle Frank had brought in the ice chest. I look up at the light filtering through the branches and leaves overhead. My heart aches when I realize how long it's been since I'd been in an actual forest. I'd almost forgotten the way the air smells so light and fresh when you're surrounded by trees.

I smile nervously at the faces looking up at me and try not to fidget too much as Jason rolls strands of hair from my pigtails in a hot curling iron. The weight of the extra lashes on my eyelids still feels odd. I've already been told the makeup he's put on me looks very natural. Even if it didn't, I wouldn't mind. Jason is one of the few men I feel I can really trust. It's just fun being around him. He almost feels like a big brother/sister.

The charm bracelet I'd just made in Ms Ruth's class jangles on my wrist as I reach for a tube of icing. There's already a few cookies-on-a-stick poking up out of the basket at the end of the table. I think someone may have eaten a broken cookie (you have to eat them if they're broken, right?), but for the most part everyone had been good at decorating the cookies without eating them. Ms Ruth is such a neat lady. Who else would have thought of creating a bouquet of cookies?

So many memory stars have been put up this year. There's so many who want to be here, but can't. There's a couple who can't be here, except for the parts of them we bring in our hearts. When it's my turn, I stand up and tell everyone about a couple of girls who hadn't been mentioned yet. At this moment, if I could wish for just one thing, I think I'd wish all those people could pop out of their stars and join us here at camp. Maybe, if I wish for it hard enough, that may happen some day.

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Saturday
I'm standing at the edge of the pond again, this time surrounded by others and listening to Li'l Vickie. Her message is gentle but to the point. I like how she is able to connect mending her dress with mending relationships. If you let things go, things can get a bit frayed. It gets harder to fix things the longer you let them go. I'm going to do my best to remember that.

Pretty streamers are being stretched across the room, just high enough so that nobody will get their hair tangled in them. I'm working with the balloon crew, cutting ribbons to the proper length, which is whatever they happen to be when I pull them off the spools. The feeling of friendly cooperation mixes easily with the playfulness of all the little girls. I'm so glad this is at least one thing I'd signed up for that I didn't have to back out of.

I can't believe how many easter eggs me and Arcee are finding! Maybe it's because we're twins? We probably at least look like sisters with us wearing matching dresses. The basket we're sharing is getting pretty full, so we've been going to other girls who didn't find as much and sharing with them. We're supposed to be doing a game with the bows and ribbons hidden in the eggs, but I didn't really understand the rules. Still it's been fun finding other girls with matching prizes and trading with some of them.

The birthday party has been so fun! We even got Aunt Holly to play Pin the Tail on the Donkey. The sugar from the cake and ice cream are making me feel fizzly and giggly. I love the new (to me) games, especially the new version of musical chairs. The gift exchange is fun too. Even though I think I would have loved any of the other presents, I'm still glad I got to keep my necklace.

So many girls in so many pretty dresses. Even though I had been tempted to join in, I think I'm having just as much fun watching the fashion show. As we start having dinner, something crawls into the back of my mind. I turn my attention away from it and concentrate on the wonderful meal and just being with my friends, doing my best to make the time stretch out as far as possible. The thought at the back of my mind finds a place out of the way and curls up.

I'm in my room crying ... and crying. It's saturday night. Soon it'll be Sunday morning: time to say goodbye. I'm not ready to go. I don't think I could ever be ready. If I weren't eight, I'd probably would be on the floor screaming and having a major tantrum. Just as I'm considering trying it anyways, Aunt Holly comes in the room. I'm not sure what she's saying, but she holds me and lets me cry. It doesn't make all the hurting go away, but it helps.

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Sunday
Breakfast feels like all the breakfasts we've been having over the week. The food is wonderful, the sun is shining, and everyone is chatting. But behind the chatter there's a certain knowing. This isn't like the other times, because we aren't going to be able to see each other for a while. A couple of people have already left, but I go around collecting hugs from everyone else and say my good byes. I start sniffling about halfway through. I'm really gonna miss everyone.

I have one more goodbye. Tears are sliding down my cheeks as I play my ocarina by the pond. Why does it hurt so much to say goodbye to a place? Maybe because it's more than a location you can find with a computer and a gps attachment. Little Girl Camp at Rainbow Mountain is a place where magic happens. It's a place where little girls can truely be themselves and be seen for who the really are. It's magic I hope others will be able to experience.

It's magic I hope to experience again.