Its 14:54, Thursday. I have work today and as much as I dread going in, it keeps me from binge eating. I've cut my calorie intake down to 800 a day and I can see the results. All the results. My waist is slimmer, I feel lighter, but I also see the dark circles forming under my eyes. I sometimes wonder how much more my body can take and how much is going to be 'enough'. Will I stop when I reach my goal weight, or will I keep going until they have to hospitalize me? No, I'll stop, but the most important thing now is not letting anyone in my life know about the burgeoning health issues. Why am I doing it to myself? Because I need to leave him behind.
At work there is a long concourse with windows along the side. At night, when I walk past that long reflective mile I see her, Audrey staring back at me through tempered glass, but I also catch glimpses of him. He was hateful, evil, and he didn't care about the pain that he inflicted on others. I've pushed him down as far as I can, and with the help of the estradiol and intensive therapy, I'm going to eliminate him entirely. Still, he's there, and while I have him under control, that can change all too quickly. I still remember my mother screaming "I want my son back, you've killed him!" That was ten years ago, back before I'd led her and the rest of my family to believe I was truly dead. They still believe it. I let them believe it because they killed me long ago. The long, lonely nights locked in my room, the early morning beatings when they had the slightest inclination I'd been masturbating. Even more so those nights bound to my bed so I wouldn't commit the sin of touching myself. I swear I can still feel the bruises on my wrists sometimes. I didn't kill her son; she did.
I've tried to transition before and I've always failed. It hasn't been a straight line, he's always come back, he's always taken over again, and I've hated it every single time. This time has been the most successful, I can feel him going under, flailing, writhing in his death throes. Can Audrey survive this transition? I don't know. I just know that if she doesn't, if he comes back one more time, this will be the last time. She has one more chance and goddess help me if she fails.
Comments
Audry, him is you, the same
Audry, him is you, the same as she is you. I understand the horrifying treatment you have had at the hands of your family would want to distance yourself from your male life. You only have one "soul".
It sounds like you have been abused and "he" bore the brunt of it and became someone you did not want to be. Feel pity for that poor person, twisted by other people's beliefs. Religion can be a powerful source for good, but too often people pick and choose tiny parts and fixate on them to harm others when they do.
To most sane Christians, the Bible teaches love and forgiveness. To others, fire and damnation. It sounds like your family was the latter.
You don't choose who you are born to. Accept and pity that poor abused boy. Forgive what ever he did. Heal yourself by knowing it wasn't your fault. Being trans is what you are now. It s not a sin, it is how you feel you should live. This is your choice.
I would double your calories. 800 is too low. Try to increase your protein and lower your carbs. That has helped me live with my diabetes. When I eat carbs I tend to get hungry all the time. If possible walk 6000 plus steps a day. Walking took me from 23 stone down to 16 stone a few years ago.
Please just know we are all shaped by our past. We are products of our experiences. We can choose to learn and change. I don't know what "he" did, but being tied to a bed and being beaten would affect anyone. Especially a child.
It is not your fault.
Best wishes
Leeanna x
Leeanna